The Story of Airik and the Abomasnow

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    Registered User Airik's Avatar
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    Default The Story of Airik and the Abomasnow

    First time really writing anything by the way of pokemon fan fiction so be kind


    It was mid February and the worst of the winter's snow had subsided. For the past two months Dr. Airik Taloran Stormgrad had been locked away in a warm cabin as snowstorm after snowstorm blew outside. His colleagues where animated and jovial, discussing this discovery or that, and he couldn’t really blame them, he would be the same way in their position, however their discoveries didn’t interest him one bit

    “Why do I care about ice type Pokemon, ice is cold! No thank you I would much rather have a stiff spring breeze and warm sun at my back any time over these near arctic conditions” he thought to himself.

    You see Airik was a botanical anatomist and ice type pokemon just didnt interest him. No, Airik was here for different reasons, every year in these mountains the pine tree valley would be cut off from the world by the arctic conditions, he wanted to be the first one in there to document the thaw. During the summer months the valley was over run with wild flowers, rich verdant meadows and grass type Pokemon of all shapes and sizes. However, nobody had before been crazy enough to go in just as the thaw started, conditions would be dangerous and there was still great risk of smaller snowstorms cutting the valley off for days at a time.

    Today was a day of preparation, Airik checked his supplies and double checked them ticking each off the list as he went: Pokeballs … check, potions … check, climbing gear … check. This went on for the better part of three hours he reached the bottom of his list and realised there was one last thing to check. Reaching into his ever present messenger bag, Airik pulled out three small red and white balls and threw them into the air “Come on out guys, we need to talk.” The balls sped into the air, two of them emitted a bright light as they opened and Pokemon appeared, the third fell to the floor and bounced twice before finally coming to rest at the far side of the room.
    “Shiftry don’t be like that I need your help” Airik was not surprised, Shiftry had been with him for a long time now and he knew that the wicked Pokemon detested the cold weather. He walked across the room, retrieved the ball and tried again. This time he was rewarded as Shiftry appeared from its poke ball. Shiftry’s hair was as white as the snow outside, its arms ended in giant leaves that it used for hands.
    “Right now you're all present, I need your support. I know none of you like the weather outside but I’m hoping that Shiftry here can use his sunny day power to keep the worst of the cold weather at bay” Roserade and Torterra nodded and made sounds of approval while Shiftry simply turned his back to Airik.
    “Shiftry, I need you, without you this plan falls apart, we could be the first to see a whole new species of Pokemon, or observe a new type of behaviour, the fame and recognition in the scientific community would all be because of you, please help me Shiftry”. At that Shiftry turned round and nodded slowly.
    “Right, we will take a snow mobile to the entrance to the valley and from there it's on foot, after about a three hour hike there should be a cabin where we can rest and set up our equipment, now all of you return get some rest.” The Pokemon walked over to their balls and tapped them, returning to their dormant state. Airik went and collected them from the floor and put them back into his bag.
    “I best get some rest too” and at that he tucked himself into his bed and eventually fell asleep, dreaming of the long but exciting day ahead.

    Airik awoke to the sound of the birds outside, his eyes adjusting to the morning light while his gaze was fixed upon the clock on the opposite wall. Trying to make his mind work as the numbers came into focus, his brain began to stir from its slumbering state, it registered that it was 5 am. “Earlier than planned” he thought as he started to get up, he slipped his feet into the warm comfortable slippers before heading into the communal lounge and dining room. Empty, no one else was awake yet and ordinarily Airik too would still be sound asleep in his bed, any other day and he probably would of pulled the duvet up over his head and rolled over, but not today.

    He reached the kitchen and went into the fridge, grabbing the eggs, bacon and sausages, setting them down on one side he opened up the freezer and pulled out some chips and began to fill a small oven tray of them. “Today is a day for a hearty breakfast” he mused to himself, thinking of the day ahead. He cracked two eggs into a frying pan and began to cook them, listening to the gentle sizzling sound of the eggs cooking in the fat released from the now perfectly crisp rashers of bacon. The smell of the bacon had the undesired effect of rousing the rest of the cabin and soon Airik’s colleagues where gathering, they knew how important today was for him. For the past two months they had been off conducting their research while he had stayed in and kept the fire burning, today he was going out to progress his research and make his own discoveries, they too were excited at this prospect. After breakfast and the hugs and hand shakes and cries of good luck, Airik climbed onto the back of his snowmobile and headed off towards the valley.

    The snow was melting as the sun rose in the sky, Airik knew that in the next week this mountain side would be full of holidaymakers, skiing and snowboarding their way up and down the side of it. Higher up in the mountain, towards the normally lush valley, the snow would take far longer to clear. After a good hour of travelling and witnessing many common species of Pokemon, Airik arrived at the clearing that led into the valley, he reached into his bag and grabbed a Pokeball and through it out into the snow Shiftry appeared and immediately wrapped its leaves around itself to protect from the harsh cold.

    “Shiftry” Airik had to shout over the biting wind, “Use Sunny Day, let's see if we can help the thaw come a little early this year”. Shiftry nodded and began to wave its leaf like hands in the air in a soft rhythmic motion, after a short while the wind died down and the clouds parted and the sun shone through on to last nights fresh snow.
    "Well done Shiftry, but the snow is too deep to continue on the snowmobile we will have to make our way on foot from here, think you can manage it?" Airik said to his research partner, Shiftry shrugged shaked his head and wrapped his leaf like hands around himself for warmth before falling in line behind his friend.

    Airik and Shiftry trudged through the snow, the latter was not impressed. Shiftry had hated the snow ever since Airik had first met him, and it went beyond the natural dislike that all grass type pokemon had for the icy weather. When Airik first met this Shiftry he was a teenager, it had been a long snowy winter and some children, local bullies, were chasing him home from school. One of them grabbed a pile of snow and threw it at Airik, it collided with some force and as the snow fell away it revealed a tiny Seedot that had obviously been hidden by the snow ball. Seedot attacked the bullies and forced them to back off, but it was very ill from the time spent covered in the snow. Airik took it home and looked after it, ever since then Shiftry simply couldn't stand the snow.

    It was some time before the log cabin came into view, and despite the fact that it took closer to four hours instead of the anticipated three to reach, Airik didn’t care, so utterly distracted by life returning to the valley, he was taking lots of notes and pictures. So many new behaviours, from the choice of leaves a Leavanny uses to dress a Seewaddle, to the way Ferrothorn dig into the snow making a mini igloo to wait out the harsher weather, all of it utterly amazing to Airik. Shiftry however was on edge and Airik had noticed it “Does he know something I don’t or is he just sulking because he hates the cold” Airik thought to himself.

    Airik opened the cabin door and was hit by the smell of stale air, as he had suspected no one had been here since the height of the summer season when this was a popular tourist spot. After a short while and with Roserades help he had managed to get a fire going. Soon the cabin was useable and could accommodate Airik and his Pokemon for the remainder of their stay, just in time for some lunch. As he began to open up the food parcels, one marked soup and the other marked as Pokemon food, a dark shape loomed through the one window before disappearing, not long enough to see what it was just long enough to leave an ominous shadow, catching a glimpse of the shadow Airik ran outside and Shiftry followed snow started to fall and the water vapour in the air turned to ice.

    “Shiftry use Sunny Day again” Airik had to strain to be heard of the now rising wind, Shiftry began to do the same rhythmic motion as before but nothing happened.
    “Try again Shiftry” Airk was hoarse now, the rushing wind taking the air from his lungs before he had even swallowed it down, Shiftry tried again but to no avail.
    “Okay, let's get back inside, maybe we can wait it out” Airik shouted taking steps into the wind towards the cabin, losing his footing on the now treacherous snow he slipped and fell hitting the ground hard, the last thing he saw in the distance was an odd shape obscured by the snow.

    Airik came to, his head was sore, his vision was blury, he remembered slipping and falling and the vauge image of a creature in the distance. Looking around he realised that he was back in the cabin shiftry was stood by the fire covered in icicles and badly hurt.
    “Shiftry did you go back out into the ice to save me after I whited out?” Airik asked, the wicked Pokemon flicked its mane like hair before nodding once.
    “Did you see anything out there, did you see it?” Airik was hoping the answer was no but again Shiftry nodded.
    “I believe I know why this area suffers unusually heavy amounts of snow fall each year, I think its home to a group of Abomasnow.” Airik let that hang in the air, from what he could remember from his text books Abomasnow was the evolved form of Snover, a grass type Pokemon. Abomasnow are large white creatures with a thick white fur to protect them from the harsh cold, they have four large spikes on their back that resembled pine cones. Airik grabbed one of his books and didn’t have to look far before he reached the chapter titled 'Abomasnow, The Frost Tree Pokemon' flicking through the details to there behaviour the book said that they where short tempered and territorial.

    “That’s it” Airik said, “This must be its Territory, Using Sunny Day probably didn’t do us any favours, we have disrupted its habitat it must be making all this snow fall.” So wrapped up in this notion Airik failed to spot the obvious, he had only brought three pokemon with him, so why was there a fourth pokemon sat by the fire, slowly Airik reached for his pokedex and the small mechanical voice began to rattle off facts 'Snover the frost tree pokemon. Snover live mainly on the snowy mountains with little human contact, but are known to approach people out of curiosity.' Airik sat for a moment “So that’s what this is you must be that Abomasnow’s young and you have come in here with us.” Airik chuckled, he now knew how to solve the situation.

    Airik approached the Snover and bent down, "It'll be ok, i don't want to hurt you" he said as he reached into his pocket pulling out some Pokemon treats, the Snover came closer and inspected the food before taking one and running away. It sat and ate the food before coming back for a second helping, this time it stayed by Airik's hand and he began to inspect the Snover. It was small probably fairly young and no where near evolution, it had a mark on it's back, it looked similar to a wood rot. Airik had seen something like this before and realised that this was most likely the work of a poison type Pokemon who had attacked the Snover.
    "Its okay pal I will be right back" Airik tried to reassure the Snover as he went to his pack and fished out an antidote.
    "The danger with grass Pokemon and poison types is, that if the poison can penetrate into the pokemon it can sucked up and absorbed into the sap and then my little friend you would rot from the inside out." Airik sprayed the wound on Snover with the Antidote and watched closely as some of the discolouration faded, "that i think should do it and have you on the mend" Airik patted the Snover on the head, before motioning it to rejoin the others by the fire.

    After a few hours had passed and both Airik and the Pokemon had time to rest, Airik scooped up the snover and put on his cold weather gear and walked towards the door, but before he could get there Shiftry got in the way, turning towards the door the wounded Pokemon wanted to go to make sure Airik would be safe. Such a show of loyalty despite the harsh conditions was to be commended, Airik patted Shiftry on the head and pointed towards the door.

    Airik, Shiftry and snover headed into the cold, they had only taken a half dozen steps before the Abomasnow appeared from behind some trees. Shiftry immediately sprang in front of Airik and the Snover to protect them from harm, although its movement was slowed by the icy conditions, it would be hard pressed to put up a fight against this Abomasnow, but it would try anyway.
    “It's okay Shiftry” Airik said side stepping in front of his battling partner, he reached into his jacket and placed the Snover on the floor, a few steps later it had toddled off to it's Mother, Airik and Shiftry turned around and headed back towards the cabin.

    A tugging at the ankle caused Airik to turn around and Snover was there, it seemed to want to go with Airik but the Abomasnow didn't seem to want to abandon its young.
    "Looks like she wants to fight Shiftry" Airik said "and this one.." looking down at the Snover as he spoke "..wants to come with us, I want you to use a Fake Out, make it flinch and maybe scare it into backking off." Shiftry moved in, darting back and forth before bringing its leaf like hands hard down on the Abomasnows face. It blinked and shook its head and before it could reach out to punch Shiftry he had gone and was back by Airik's side.
    "Good work Shiftry, now its grass type like you, but isn't slowed down by this ice like you, you should be able to hurt it using your Whirlwind, whip this winds up into a twister and send it at the Abomasnow". Shiftry began to spin around on one foot, arms outstreched, leaves flat to catch the wind and before you could blink he was at the center of a tornado, he brought his hands together and a loud thundorus clap could be heard like lightning splitting the heavens before the tornado was sent spiraling off into the direction of the Abomasnow.

    The Abomasnow was pushed back by the tornado striking it hundreds of pieces of ice and debris cutting at its form as the winds whipped around it before finally dissapating.
    "Good Work Shiftry" Airik shouted, the Abomasnow lurched forward stiffly and awkwardly, but still faster than one would think possible before it lashed out punching Shiftry to the ground and pounding it repeatedly. Each time Abomasnow made Contact with Shiftry small patches of its body froze over, however the hail was begining to let up and the weather clear slightly. Airik knew that Shiftry couldn't stand much more of this and had to quickly think of a plan.
    "Shiftry try Sunny Day again" this had to work Airik thought as he called his next move to his partner, Shiftry began to dance the same rhythmic motion as before. For a second it looked like it wouldn't work but then the clouds parted and small rays of sunshine peirced down like lances, after a few more turns the whole area was bathed in light.

    The Abomasnow responded by focusing a small ball of silver white energy in it's palms before launching it at Shiftry, as it travelled the water vapour in the air froze and as the beam made contact with Shiftry he doubled over. It had managed to partially freeze the wicked Pokemon from the waist down. Shiftry concentrated on moving it's hands in time with some unknown beat fighting through the pain as it tried to keep the sun out. Airik reached down to his bag and pulled out a Pokeball, throwing the ball it opened and in a spark of light Roserade appeared.
    "Roserade, gather the sun's rays and use your Weather Ball" Airik shouted, he needed to end this soon or Shiftry would faint from the intense cold of being partially encased in ice. Roserade pointed one of its boquet like hands towards the Abomasnow and a small firey orb began to grow in size, hovering just an inch away from it before the fireball, a miniature sun, was launched at the Frost Tree Pokemon.

    At that the Abomasnow retreated into the forest behind it and Airik grabbed Roserade and Shiftry's Pokeballs, "Good work you two, return" he said as red light shot from each ball, coliding with the corresponding Pokemon and returning them to their respective balls. Airik reached around in his bag and found what he was looking for, an empty Pokeball.
    "It's up to you little one, you can come with us or make your own way in the world " Airik said this while resting the Pokeball in the now rapidly melting snow, Snover approached it and seemed to sniff at it before charging at the ball before it too was sucked in by a beam of red light.

    And that is the story of Airik, Snover and the Abomasnow.

    Last edited by Airik; 14th May 2012 at 11:05 AM.

  2. #2
    (See what? Hear what?) Akinai's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Story of Airik and the Abomasnow

    Claiming~

    Will try to have a grade up by this weekend.


  3. #3
    Registered User Airik's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Story of Airik and the Abomasnow

    Thanks trouble as you know no laptop so no rush

  4. #4
    (See what? Hear what?) Akinai's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Story of Airik and the Abomasnow

    Alright, let's begin shall we?

    Introduction

    Your intro paragraph manages to give the reader the time and area this story is taking place quite clearly. Within the first few sentences we are told who the main character is, his reason for being in such a frigid area during one of the coldest months of the year, as well as his thoughts on the matter. For being both your first story and the target being a Medium-level Pokemon, this seems solid enough.

    My only complaint in this area is, save for the Doctor surname, it is uncertain just who Airik is supposed to be. Scientific study is mentioned later on, making me assume that he is indeed a scientist, but in the beginning this is still unclear.

    Plot

    The story focuses on Airik Stormgrad, who is documenting the spring thaw in a mountain valley. With the help of his Shiftry, he manages to document the many different ways the local wildlife are enduring the cold before reaching a cabin located in the valley. While preparing food, he spots a figure looking through one of the windows. As he exits the cabin to discover what it was, he slips and blacks out.

    Once Airik comes to, he discovers that his Shiftry retrieved him and brought him safely back to the cabin. However, this time they have a visitor; a Snover. Deducting that the reason this area was hit so often by snowstorms was because of a nearby pack of Abomasnow, Airik exits the cabin to reunite the young Snover with its parents.

    I have to admit, this is a change compared to the whole “Trainer explores a route, encounters a Pokemon, and battles said Pokemon before throwing a Ball” story that is common among new writers. The fact that Airik is researching the local wildlife and conditions instead of either battling or training alone makes this out of the ordinary. Despite this, there are still a few areas that could be worked upon. The first part that comes to mind is the rather abrupt ending. The story ends immediately as Snover is reunited with his family. While this could work for the much shorter tales found for Simple and Easiest stories, ending any story with “and that was the tale of (insert situation here)” do not tend to fit with the more complex plots found in harder level stories.

    Another area that was left untouched was Airik himself, as well as his Pokemon. Save for their mutual dislike of the cold and devotion to one another, I know nothing else about them. Do they have any quirks, and does Airik have any other likes or dislikes, as well as hopes and dreams aside from his work? All of these are questions to ask when weaving characters into a story.

    One part that seemed off was the sudden disappearance of the snowmobile.

    Airik climbed onto the back of his snowmobile and headed off towards the valley.
    Airik and Shiftry trudged through the snow … It was some time before the log cabin came into view
    While minor, watch out for plot holes like this in later stories.

    Grammar

    This is where your writing begins to falter. While a few of these errors can most likely be fixed by proofreading your story or reading specific sections out loud to hear if they sound right, I'll point out a few major parts to watch out for.

    First of all, beware run-on sentences. If a sentence has to be said in more than one breath there is a good chance that it should be separated into two or more parts. Adding commas make an appropriate pause in the sentence, but they do not replace periods. For example:

    It was mid February and the worst of the winters snow had subsided, for the past two months Dr. Airik Taloran Stormgrad had been locked away in a warm cabin as snowstorm after snowstorm blew outside.
    Would be corrected to:

    It was mid-February and the worst of the winter's snow had subsided. For the past two months, Dr. Airik Taloran Stormgrad had been locked away in a warm cabin as snowstorm after snowstorm blew outside.
    Next, be careful when dealing with words that sound similar yet mean something entirely different. A few of these can be spotted be reading over the sentence once more, though some (weather/whether, their/they're/there, and then/than for example) can be tricky. These are dependent on the sentence they are being used in.

    Also, Pokemon names, moves, their species classification, and items always start with a capital letter. Using the previous explanations above, the following excerpt:

    Airik scooped up the snover and put on his cold weather gear and walked towards the door but before he could get there Shiftry got in the way turning towards the door the wounded pokemon wanted to go to make sure Airik would be safe, such a show of loyalty despite the harsh conditions was to be commended, Airik patted shiftry on the head and pointed towards the door.
    Would read as:

    Airik scooped up the Snover and put on his cold weather gear and walked towards the door. Before he could get there Shiftry got in the way, turning towards the door. The wounded Pokemon wanted to go to make sure Airik would be safe, such a show of loyalty despite the harsh conditions was to be commended. Airik patted Shiftry on the head and pointed towards the door.
    Be wary of spacing. If the focus of the story is being placed on another character, be sure to make a separate paragraph to show this.

    Airik ran outside and Shiftry followed; snow started to fall and the water vapour in the air turned to ice. “Shiftry, use Sunny Day again.”Airik had to strain to be heard over the now rising wind.

    Shiftry began to do the same rhythmic motion as before, but nothing happened.

    “Try again Shiftry.” Airk was hoarse now; the rushing wind taking the air from his lungs before he had even swallowed it down.

    Shiftry tried again, but to no avail.

    “Ok, Lets get back inside, maybe we can wait it out,” Airik shouted, taking steps into the wind towards the cabin.
    Description

    You manage to capture the excited atmosphere of the main cabin in the beginning, as well as give a short description of the world outside and the actions of the wild Pokemon. Even smells are explained in detail as breakfast is cooked for the day; for being one of the main senses, smell is often one of the most overlooked when writing a story.

    Unfortunately, save for describing Shiftry's actions and a short summary on the appearance of an Abomasnow, there is nothing describing Airik himself. This is a little jarring considering he is a main character. Roserade and Torterra are never described as well; while most Pokemon look similar among their species, they also have unique traits or even different markings or scars depending on their past. Adding descriptions to the characters in a story, as well as the area, can help make the tale more entrancing to the reader.

    Battle/Climax


    While most stories include a battle of some sort, a few can remove this section entirely. In this case, the climax, or the building point of the story, is looked at. For this tale I'm assuming this would be when Airik travels outside of the cabin to discover who or what is sneaking around. Shiftry's inability to perform a Sunny Day adds a degree of suspense, as well as the howling wind giving a hint that something is amiss. This section comes to an end as Airik slips on the slick ice and blacks out.

    This is an interesting turning point in the story, as well as giving a reader reason to worry as they wonder just what is going on outside. The main drawback is though while it is a break from the normal pace of the story so far, it is also extremely short. The entire situation takes place in the span of roughly a paragraph, and ends rather quickly. For most Pokemon battles, there tends to be at least a couple of moves traded back and forth between the attackers (or even more, depending on the level of the story). The climax should be a similar size as well.

    Length

    Snover is a Medium-level Pokemon, making the minimum limit around 10,000-20,000 characters. According to OpenOffice, your story falls at 12,223 characters. This falls comfortably inside the limit, so you're good.

    Conclusion



  5. #5
    Registered User Airik's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Story of Airik and the Abomasnow

    Still some grammar stuff to do but the story has an actual ending now instead of that rubbish I had written before and I hopefully have cleared up the snowmobile problem, take a read and tell me what you think and I'll work on the grammar issues

  6. #6
    Registered User Airik's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Story of Airik and the Abomasnow

    Ok Updated again grammar errors corrected (I think) and just generally tidied up

  7. #7
    (See what? Hear what?) Akinai's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Story of Airik and the Abomasnow

    While a few errors are still lurking inside the story, there is definitely a huge improvement overall. Snover Captured! Be sure to keep an eye on grammar, and once again if you need any help in the future feel free to contact me.


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