Stormy's Capture

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  1. #1
    Droppin' Nerdy References Stormy's Avatar
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    Default Stormy's Capture

    OOC: it's a a bit on the short side, (approx. 10,050 charactors) and it's my first story. Capturing Natu
    Edit: I just realized that it has him capture the Natu at the end, which is a "no-no". Sorry.

    Jake walked between route 30 and route 31 hoping for one of the most elusive of Pokemon- Suicune. Every time he passed between the two he checked his pokedex and sighed. Suicune wasn’t here yet. After another ten minutes of this, Jake got lucky. Suicune was on the same route as him- 31. He walked into a patch of grass and turned in circles, picking off a few Sentret in the process until the Suicune had shown up. Battle music played as he threw the poke ball. It wiggled once. Twice. A third time, and Suicune was caught!
    ------
    “Yes!” Jake yelled, “I caught a Suicune!” Looking back at his gameboy, however, he sighed. If only it was that easy in real life, he thought to himself, I’ve spent two weeks and haven’t even caught a darn Catterpie. Jake saved his game and turned out the lights. Thank god my brother gave me a Poochyena, otherwise I’d be the laughing stock of the school. Jake wasn’t that bad of a trainer, just a young kid. He constantly felt the need to live up to his older siblings high standards: His brother Kyle was a league champion two years in a row, and his sister Erin came close three times. Without being compared to them, he was actually above average. Jake thought about really catching a Suicune while he drifted off to sleep.
    -----
    The next day, Jake gulped down his breakfast and announced to his parents, “I’m gonna catch a Pokemon this weekend, even if it takes me all weekend.”
    His dad smirked, “good luck with that.”
    “Harold!” his mom said smacking Mr. Johnson on the back of his head, “don’t berate the boy.” She smiled at Jake, “I’ll pack you a lunch.”
    Jake walked out the door, and through his suburban town, heading out to the grasslands three miles in the east.
    ------
    At noon, three and a half hours after he started, Jake sat down for lunch. He was tired, Poochyena was tired, and he had wasted three of his six poke balls trying to catch a Weedle. “This sucks.” He said to no one in particular. “I’m tired, and it’s hot, and I want to go home.” But he knew that if he turned back now he would seem even more pathetic. “How did Kyle survive out here for weeks on end? I’m bored and tired after a few hours.” Jake took a bite of his sandwich. “Ugh! Baloney doesn’t taste so good after sitting in the sun.” He forced a few more mouthfuls and fed the rest to Poochyena, who quickly scarfed the remaining half down. Jake finished off his half of the sandwich a warm soda and a bag of chips.

    After they had finished eating, Jake and Poochyena laid down in the tall grass. “We’ll ambush it next time Poochy” Jake told his confused Pokemon, “A Pokemon will come through here because it’s nice and cool and shady, and we’ll pop up and surprise them! I’ll catch a Pokemon now for sure!” However, those characteristic that made this spot desirable to pokemon made it tranquil to Jake. He was really starting to regret staying up late last night to catch Suicune. Between his lack of sleep, the shade, the warmth, and his full stomach, Jake was fighting a losing battle against sleep.

    After he drifted off into dreamland, a man walked past him. The hulking figure was wearing a ratty t-shirt, torn jeans, and dirty cowboy boots, all of which clashed with his new Pokemon League hat, and didn’t notice Jake. Jake’s wonderful hiding place proved to be very good for just that- hiding. The man’s dirty cowboy boots were what greeted Jake- by stepping on his leg. “Ouch!” Jake exclaimed.

    “Sorry,” the man responded, “But what were you doing lying in the middle of the grass?”

    “I was catching, Pokemon, but you probably scarred-”

    The man laughed, “Catching Pokemon,! Can you do that in your sleep?”

    Jake blushed, “I’m not very good at it.”

    “That’s for sure.” The man said, “I’m Luke, by the way.”

    “I’m Jake,” Jake responded. He looked at the man’s belt, lined with six Pokeballs. “What Pokemon do you have?” He asked.

    “With me? Charzard, Hitmontop, Ludicolo, Luxray, Staraptor, and Beedrill. I have about one hundred and fifty more at a Pokemon ranch. How about you?”

    Just Poochyena,” Jake sighed.

    “I can help you catch another, if you want,” Luke said.

    “Could you?” Jake said, trying to conceal his excitement. “That would be great. I definitely need the help.”

    “Sure, thing.” Luke answered, “We were all rookies once.”

    --------

    A few hours later, Jake was so close to having his first Pokemon. Close, however, only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, as Luke constantly told him. But still. He Barely missed that Ratatata, and Almost had that Tailow, in fact, Jake had done things he hadn’t thought possible, like getting a Pokeball to glitch and capture an apple, or caught in his hair.

    “Don’t lose heart,” Luke reminded him, “Keep in there.”

    Easy for him to say, Jake thought to himself, he hasn’t been failing at catching Pokemon for twelve hours. Then, another pokemon came into his vision, a Natu. “Sweet!” Jake exclaimed, “lets see how badly I can mess this one up.”

    “Don’t say that.” Luke said, “just try your best, and you will succeed. I know it sounds really corny, but it works.”

    Jake rolled his eyes. “Whatever, you say, Luke”. He commanded Poochyena. “Go! Poochyena.” Poochyena growled. The Natu shook. “Poochyena, Bite!” Jake yelled, but the Natu merely hopped to a higher branch, one barely to high for Poochyena to jump up towards. Jake swore. “I thought I had it. Even a stupid Natu can beat me.” The Natu was obviously happy with itself. Every once in a while it would jump down and give Poochyena a peck on the top of the head.

    I can’t even come close to hitting the darn thing with a tackle, not to mention biting it. Jake reasoned with himself, Wait a second, he didn’t need to come close if… “Poochyena, Sand attack!” Jake ordered his Pokemon. The confused Poochyena whipped sand up towards the Natu, flying towards him. The befuddled little bird tried to flap it’s wings, which didn’t work at blocking the sand heading towards it. Unfortunately (for Natu), concentrating on this made it lose focus on flying towards Poochyena’s head, no doubt to peck it again. “Now, Poochyena, while it’s still on the ground, Tackle it!” Jake yelled.

    Poochyena charged toward the tiny bird like a freight train. Still dazed from the Sand attack, the Natu just watched as Poochyena got closer, closer, closer, WHAM! The Psychic Pokemon went flying. Jake smiled. The Natu was starting to get angry. It flew towards Poochyena and an odd ray leapt from it’s body.

    “That’s Confuse Ray” Luke told the novice, “might not want to attack for a while. Poochyena might do more damage to itself than it does to the Natu.

    “I will,” Jake said. “Poochyena, stay still. Pokeball, GO!” Jake threw the Pokeball. It caught the Natu in a beam of red light. The ball dropped to the ground. It wiggled around once, twice, and Natu broke free. Jake said every bad word he knew in every combination he could think of. “That was my last Pokeball,” he said, almost in tears.

    “Calm down kid,” Luke said, tossing Jake a container, “you can borrow some of mine. You’re rocking this battle, just a little bit longer and you’ll have it.”

    Jake opened the container. In it he saw poke balls of all kinds, many that he shouldn’t have access to as a novice. Great balls and Ultra balls were pointing up at him as if to say, “Take the easy way out, pick us!” But Jake went with the standard. He put one red and white Pokeball in his hand, ready for when he needed it.

    The Natu was gloating over Jake’s dizzy Poochyena. “The confuse Ray is wearing off now Jake,” Luke said, “Finish Natu off.”

    “Poochyena, use bite while it’s not looking,” Jake exclaimed.

    The Natu stopped gloating just in time to see itself trapped between Poochyena’s strong teeth. “Release Natu now, Poochyena,” Jake yelled. Poochyena spat Natu out on to the ground. The wet, shaken, and tired Physic Bird Pokemon looked about to fall over. “Lets try this again. GO! Pokeball!”

    The Pokeball released from Jake’s hand. Again, a brilliant flash of red light shot out of it. This time, however, the wild Natu seemed to have less of a fight left in it. The red light engulfed the Natu as the Pokeball fell to the grass. “Second time’s a charm, I hope,” Jake joked. The poke ball wiggled around once, twice, a third time, and then, after an agonizingly long amount of time (that was probably really only thirty seconds at the most), the red glow in the Pokeball faded to white. “Yes!” Jake yelled! “I did it! I Caught a Pokemon.! IcantbelieveitdidyouseewhenItoldPoochyenatobiteitandthenitdidandIthrewthepokeballanditflashedredthen whiteand…”

    Luke smiled. “Yes, I saw it, you did great out there. Your first Pokemon caught. I’ll bet that you remember this day for a long time.”

    “Thank you so much for your help,” Jake said, finally having calmed down enough to speak in coherent sentences.

    “It was nothing.” Luke replied, “Say, did you say your last name was?”

    “Johnson.”

    “You wouldn’t happen to be related to either Kyle or Erin Johnson, woild you?”

    “Yeah I am,” Jake sighed, “They are my older siblings and are better than me at everything.”

    “Nonsense.” Luke said, “You are what? Five years younger than Erin, and seven years younger than Kyle. It’s not that your bad, they just have had more years to practice is all. In fact, you seem to be pretty good”

    “You really think that?” Jake asked.

    “Yeah. In fact, I battled against Kyle when we were both eleven, and he had already been journeying for weeks. Do you know how many Pokemon he had?”

    “Probably at least six.”

    “Nope,” Luke said smugly, “One. A very weak Caterpie given to him by a friend. I creamed him with my very weak Weedle, theat I had caught outside my school. So, in fact, you might be better than him someday. I mean, you still haven’t started your journey and already know how to use your environment to help you win battles. Just remember your old buddy Luke when you are rich and famous.”

    Jake laughed, “Will do.”

    Jake ran home. He couldn’t wait to show his dad what he had caught!
    Last edited by Stormy; 22nd April 2010 at 07:59 PM. Reason: edited up to 10000 charactors

  2. #2
    Droppin' Nerdy References Stormy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Stormy's Capture

    edited and ready to grade

  3. #3
    Avatar by FullMetal Rocky28940's Avatar
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    Default Re: Stormy's Capture

    Sorry, if I'm not supposed to say this here as I'm not grading, but it's not on the short side, you're supposed to have 10,000 to 20,000 characters not words

  4. #4
    I'm back <3 Coasting Wingull's Avatar
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    Default Re: Stormy's Capture

    Hey delete this after im very sorry for commenting. But I had no idea it was characters! Man that helps out alot.
    Pokemon LeafGreen Nuzlocke: Viridian City


  5. #5
    Droppin' Nerdy References Stormy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Stormy's Capture

    Quote Originally Posted by Rocky28940 View Post
    Sorry, if I'm not supposed to say this here as I'm not grading, but it's not on the short side, you're supposed to have 10,000 to 20,000 characters not words
    It's supposed to read charactors. I hate it when I type and the wrong elephant comes out.

  6. #6
    Droppin' Nerdy References Stormy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Stormy's Capture

    Not to be rude or anything, but this is the oldest story without a grade
    "Jean is shorter than Brutus, but taller than Imhotep. Imhotep is taller than Jean, but shorter than Lord Scotland. Lord Scotland is twice the height of Jean and Brutus combined, but only one-tenth of the height of Millsy. Millsy is at a constant height of x − y. If Jean stands exactly one nautical mile away from Lord Scotland, how tall is Imhotep?"-Look around You

    Answer: Imhotep is invisible.

  7. #7
    URPG Lurking Official Jack of Clovers's Avatar
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    Default Grade

    The Good

    Plot:
    You have a nice story about the youngest brother, Jake, wanting to be like his big siblings and catch Pokemon. You've given him a great weakness with lack of confidence in himself, which, over time, he can earn through his adventure. This weakness can give him some great stories to write as he learns he really is good for his level.
    The story is easily set up with a simple hunt-for-Pokemon idea. This is a good level to start at in the URPG and as you write more, you'll be able to expand on this simple idea.
    I'm glad Luke showed up when he did, because Jake really needed some motivation. Without Luke, this story would have been even more basic and uneventful. So I'm glad you threw in an extra character.

    Detail:
    You have the general idea of describing the surroundings and actions. Luke certainly had an interesting attire!
    As far as the story, it flows evenly from the beginning to the end and was easy to follow the plot. You do a great job circling back to your intro. What I mean by this, you start the story with a battle in game, then later Jake mentions that it isn't as easy in real life. This is a good story element because it helps emphasize just how difficult it is for him.

    Effort for Pokemon:
    This will be the battle. I really enjoyed your use of the environment rather than standing on the ground and running at each other. Both Pokemon get an equal number of hits at each other. Poochyena was lucky that Natu couldn't gust away the Sand Attack, heh.
    I guess part of the effort is also Jake not giving up the whole day and remaining positive. His choice of the Pokeball rather than taking the Ultraball showed me that no matter how much he wanted to catch a Pokemon, he wanted the challenge to be his own with a mere Pokeball to test his skill as a Trainer.

    Improve Upon

    Grammar:
    Note- these aren't terrible mistakes, just helpful corrections. I went a bit overboard. Oops.



    Plot:
    As I said before, this is a very simple capture story, where the main character goes out and searches for a Pokemon. For your first story, this is fine. As you continue to write more and develop a larger plot, you'll be able to create different ways to catch Pokemon. For now, you're headed on the right track and there's nothing wrong with it. Just remember, the higher up you go in difficulty, the more the Graders will be expecting better stories.

    Details:
    The reader needs to see and feel the world you write. Give a sense of taste. How does the forest smell? Maybe it smells different at noon than in the afternoon. Visuals are the biggest need: What does Jake look like? What is he wearing? What city is he in, if it's even in the city? Remember these questions when writing your story: who, what, where, why, when. Who- Jake. What- Catch a Pokemon. Where- city? Forest somewhere. Why- to be like older siblings. There can be many reasons why someone does something. When- Is this fall? Spring? Friday? For each character you think about these things.
    What about Luke? Is he just randomly appearing in the forest or does he have some purpose to be there? How about the parents- we don't know much about who they are, even if they aren't a part of the story. What do they look like?

    Answering these questions and thinking about your senses will fill your story ripe with detail. This is fine for your start but we will look for improvement in this area. All it takes is a little practice and patience. Write your story one day, stop, then the next day re-read it again and add more descriptions. Watch what can happen with a simple edit to the intro of Luke:

    The hulking figure was not a very tall man, but still massive enough to put fear into Trainers that wished to fight him. He wore a ratty crimson t-shirt underneath a small brown vest, a ripped pair of blue jeans, and a slick pair of pointed cowboy boots made of a beige type of leather. The boots, which once shined from over polishing, were now covered in dirt from weeks of traveling in the wild. As any cowboy might have, he had a gold colored belt buckle with a picture of a Pokeball surrounded by what appeared to be an explosion. His entire outfit matched except for his hat, which was the new Pokemon League hat. It was black and had a simple and creative design of a Rapidash head on the front. Over his back was a fat, gray backpack that looked about 50 pounds. He walked as if it was only 10.
    He didn't even see Jake in his wonderful hiding place, sleeping in the middle of the tall grass. As he walked through, the man’s cowboy boots, thankfully without any spurs on the end, stepped on a fleshy body part. Jake quickly flinched his body inward and sat straight up, screaming at the top of his lungs.

    Something to think about for your next story. ;)

    Effort for Pokemon:
    Keep in mind, Natu is at a level for more experience writers. Two direct attacks and you catch a Natu. That would barely qualify for a Simple capture. What we need to see in a battle at this level are more attacks/turns used. These Pokemon aren't going to be easy and you really have to battle hard to catch them. Plus, you are working at a huge disadvantage with flying vs a ground based Pokemon like Poochyena. I can see that both Pokemon are low leveled, but that doesn't mean they can't fight harder than this.
    A battle is the big climax for this part of the story, you should make it exciting. Try to go as many round as you can, not just stop when you get close to the character limit.
    Second, describe the battle and the moves being used. You do a good job, but you can always go more.
    [[It flew towards Poochyena and an odd ray leapt from it’s body.]]

    What kind of ray? Thin, thick? Color? Usually the Pokemon's eyes glow... did the rest of its body glow too? What color was that glow? What did Poochyena look like while it was confused? Maybe it was confused and rather than listen to Jake, attack a tree. These descriptions make the battle more interesting to read and shows the reader exactly what is going on.

    Personal Review and Tips

    From an URPG standpoint, a basic start. Had you started with something more Simple, this outcome would be easier to determine. Natu level, however, this is below requirement even for a starting story. Just not enough battle and not very interesting. Part of me disagrees with the outcome below, and I hope you'll prove it was the right choice by making sure your next story is improved.

    I see your edit, but I get to say it anyway! Never say you caught the Pokemon. That is up to the Grader.

    You have a good idea for a story where Jake can prove he's better than he thinks. You have a lot of room for improvement and I hope you jump down a level or two on the difficulty scale to earn more practice. I think Jake needs an easier time, too. Start small and work your way up, you'll find this a lot easier. Re-read your story, carefully. Out loud if you have to. This way you'll catch those Comma mistakes. Take a couple days, or even a week: you don't have to type it all up at once. Good luck with Jake's future.



    ~Jack~
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