A Song to Sing

Results 1 to 2 of 2

Thread: A Song to Sing

  1. #1
    The Rockin Crocin Trainer RockinCrocodile's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    66

    Default A Song to Sing

    A Song to Sing

    "…and in first place," announced a tall man wearing a full suit and tie on a small, brown-framed box-style TV as a 7-year old girl with red shoulder-length hair done up in a ponytail, blue eyes, and tanned skin watched laying on a round, red and white rug, "Is Elsa Garcia!" At that moment, there was a roar of applause as the camera moved over to view a teenaged woman with long, golden hair wearing a bright blue dress as they handed her a microphone. However, a different voice reached the little girl's ears as the woman on the TV was about to speak.

    "Chelsea!" it called out, coming from a woman that was little older than the one on TV, "Lunch is ready!"

    Picking up the TV remote from the floor next to her, she pushed a large, green button and watched at the woman shrink as the TV turned off. With a little huff of air, she placed her hands on the floor and started pushed herself back onto her feet. Once standing, she quickly brushed her hands across her blue shirt and black shorts to get some rid of some of the brown spots of dust.
    "Chelsea!" the voice called out again, "It's getting cold!"

    "Coming, Mom!" Chelsea called back before heading towards the door and twisting the knob to open it. Once outside of the room, Chelsea started to make her way down a blue hallway and then into a large, bright, open kitchen where a bowl of pasta and chicken along with a cup of red juice sat waiting.

    "Oh…Chelsea," sighed the mom, who was wearing a dark red dress with shoulder-length hair as well, looking at her daughter's shirt, "Look how dirty you are!" with that she started to bend down with a wet cloth and rub at the dirt still on her shirt.

    "Momma!" Chelsea called out, giggling a little bit before being allowed to sit down and eat the meal. Once she was done, she giggled as she saw a picture of a red creature that had two black antennas and a white collar and belly the bottom of the bowl, "My Kricketot bowl!" she exclaimed before trying to hum a tune only to stop and ask, "Do you think I'll ever be like somebody on PokéIdol, Mommy?"

    "Sure you can, dear," responded the Mother sitting down and tapping the bottom of the mostly-empty bowl, "You see all you need to be is like a Kricketot and find a song to sing."

    "What do you mean?"

    "Well, you know how when Mommy sings you your good night song? I learned that from a Kricketot a long time ago, haven't I ever told you?"

    "No, can you tell me now!?"

    The mother giggled a little bit, "Sure thing, I know it hard to believe but Mommy used to be a little girl like you, with a dream of singing for other people. However, I never knew what to sing so I would go to different shows with my Mommy and Daddy, listening to whoever was on stage and trying to hum along. Sadly, every time I tried to sing the songs they did, it always came out funny, and I was about to give up. If I remember correctly, I was in the park swinging when I heard a lovely song coming from a tree, as I approached the tree, the song sounded just as lovely as it could be. Once I made it to the tree, I was able to see the little black feet of the Kricketot, but wound up scaring it higher in the tree."

    "Awww…Mommy!"

    "Well, I was upset too as I wanted to hear it sing some more and do you know what I did?"

    "What Mommy! What Mommy!"

    "I started to sing back to it, trying to match its song," she took a deep breath and started to whistle a short, high-pitched series of notes, "Like that, and as I started to sing it. It took some time but slowly it started to come down, and, once it finally got back to where he was, it started to sing back to me, a few notes at a time. I then sang the tune right back and it jumped a little bit before singing more notes. After a while, he started to come down to the grown and sing to me even more. I do not know how long it was we sang together, but it was something that became part of my daily life. However, when I had to go to school again and the trees were bare, I found myself a little sad cause it meant I could not sing my song with my friend as much. Eventually, I was able to visit the park again, I found my Pokémon friend being picked on by some of the neighborhood bullies, and I do not know what happened to me. However, your Mommy got so mad at them that I started to barge over there to protect my friend from them by getting the middle of them and taking all of their insults and punches.

    The next thing I know, I felt something behind me as the boys started to back off and the once quiet Kricketot started to change into another creature. This one was slightly taller than the one I knew but it started to sing a loud, long screeching noise that made the boys cover up their ears and run away. Then, it started to turn to me and sing our song, in the same soft, sweet voice I remember and I took care of him every day ever since as we worked on our song together."
    Thank you Reader for my avatar!
    The Rockin Crocodile's URPG Stats
    Friend Code: 1161 - 1073 - 7386
    GRASS-Type Safari: Sawsbuck, Quilladin, Pansage

  2. #2
    the vibration pokemon Nitro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    2,935
    Blog Entries
    1

    Default Re: A Song to Sing

    Introduction-Story-Plot: You started strong with a good hook to your story. It set an ambition for your character, in that she wanted to be a singer. Having that type of focus is what gives a story its purpose, and you did a good job of establishing that focus right away. A legitimate goal like that is often a focal point missing from many newbies when they start their stories, so it's great that you already have that done.

    The plot event of the mom talking about her past experiences to her child had a really nice feel to it. It felt homely, and I really appreciated the mom-daughter dynamic in that context. Being able to evoke emotion or a feel to your story is nice, and something every good writer should put an emphasis on. You'd be even better off making that feeling even stronger, because the mom's story was the meat of the story. Things you could've added were interactions between your two characters as mom retold the story (even an gasp in awe from the daughter would've worked wonders), or something like a pet to further that feeling of "home" or "family". Continuing to improve the emotion and feel to your story will go a long way towards your future success as a writer, because every good story is one that makes you feel something.

    Overall, good job. I really think if you can improve on some of what you've shown in your plot elements, you could be a really good writer.

    Grammar-Spelling: off to a bad start, man. (kidding) FIRST SENTENCE.

    "…and in first place," announced a tall man wearing a full suit and tie on a small, brown-framed box-style TV as a 7-year old girl with red shoulder-length hair done up in a ponytail, blue eyes, and tanned skin watched laying on a round, red and white rug, "Is Elsa Garcia!"
    a) No capital letter to start off your story?! Even though "...and" is continuing part of a sentence, since you're using it as the first shown part of a cut-off sentence, you'll have to capitalize it.
    b) On the flip side, "Is" doesn't have to be capitalized. Unlike earlier, it's a situation where you actually are continuing the sentence you've already started, so you can leave it as just "is Elsa Garcia".
    c) More to deal with sentence structure, it really didn't feel that natural for you to try and pack that much information about the announcer as he was halfway through the sentence. If you want to describe him to that depth, do it in a separate sentence so you don't have one really long and unnatural sentence.

    But for the most part, your grammar was good. There were very few problems like a) and b) above, which are to with boring grammar rules. I'd say your only problem to worry about is sentence structure. You had multiple cases, such as c), where you tried to pack in information in situations where it just felt forced and didn't feel like important-enough information to include in a situation that didn't really fit for flavor text. For example:

    sighed the mom, who was wearing a dark red dress with shoulder-length hair as well, looking at her daughter's shirt,
    Literally the same thing as c), where you're just trying to fit in too much information.

    responded the Mother sitting down and tapping the bottom of the mostly-empty bowl
    Nice to know the bowl was mostly empty, but if you try saying that sentence aloud, it's going to sound like you're rambling. If you're ever rambling with sentences, cut out information and put it in a separate sentence. Small sentences are totally cool if you mix in them with regularly-sized sentences.

    Last thing I'll point out is unnatural word choice. You picked words in some cases that made sense and got your point across, but if somebody ever said to me in conversation, I'd stare at them and be like, "yo thats a weird way to phrase it bruh"

    "Well, I was upset too as I wanted to hear it sing some more and do you know what I did?"

    Eventually, I was able to visit the park again, I found my Pokémon friend being picked on by some of the neighborhood bullies, and I do not know what happened to me.
    You picked some awfully formal language, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. It just hurts the relaxed, homely feel this story had been building up. If you're at home, you're speaking casually. You're probably using contractions (don't, isn't, etc.) and informal terms. In dialogue, don't be afraid to talk like that! It adds realism and personality to your characters, and just seems natural.

    Detail-Description: I liked it. You fleshed things out nicely, and describing things certainly wasn't a problem for you (TOO MANY THINGS IN ONE SENTENCE THO). I could picture things pretty well, which is the starting point for getting detail in your story.

    From here, there's two things you can add to get better. One is, non-visual descriptions. For example, the smell of the meal or the crackling of a nearby fireplace. Those types of descriptions are never as important as visual descriptions, but they spice things up a bit for the reader. I'd recommend working on that for all new writers. Secondly, be more picky with what you choose to describe. Understand what the tone of your story is (in this case, it's homely), and describe objects that add to that tone while choosing your words carefully. Compare my sentences:

    I walked into the kitchen. Mom was dressed in an apron and cooking away, stirring ingredients in a pot and reading her cookbook carefully.

    I walked into the kitchen, and blissfully inhaled the scent of mom's good cooking. She was wearing her favorite red-and-green apron, and humming happily as she stirred something that smelled an awful lot like tomatoes in a pot.

    --things to notice: second paragraph used other senses, chose fun words, described certain things more to add feel (the apron) and took away information that didn't help the tone (the cookbook)
    Good stuff overall, and I'd like to see you build on it.

    Length: you're good.

    Climax: Mom retold the story, and it was exactly the type of story you'd hear a mom tell her child. It fit your story very well because of that, furthering that tone I've been talking about this whole time. It was an interesting story too, and it did a good job of building on that ambition that hooked the reader in.

    What I'm most concerned about is how the mom retold the story. She kind of just stated it, and it's clear your priority was getting the events that happened out there when you were writing it. My advice: Don't be in any rush. The climax is the part of your story that should affect your reader the most. Put special care into spacing out the events you have to include, and building around them with words to inspire emotion. Talk about feelings, like how the mom felt or her daughter's reaction. Build towards something (which you did) and make me care about it.

    These are quirks that separate new writers from experienced writers. You can take your time with improving on these type of things. This section is important, so take your time, soak everything in, and work on it over time. Just like the climax itself.

    Outcome: Kricketot Captured. No question about it, you flashed me plenty of good writing ability here. You had an interesting plot that got me to buy in to reading your story, and did a fundamentally good job of making sure I could picture everything and understand what you had going on.

    From here, I want you to work on making something special of that tone you were starting to develop. Things like details and plot events are all building blocks you can use to create something that inspires me with emotion. I see the makings of that in this story, so keep working on that when you write your next story!

    I GOT MONEY IN MY BANK ACCOUNT, FUCK A BANK ACCOUNT - SOULJA BOY

    [18:11] [Ranger Alliance]: (webdragoon1337) nitro, you in here?
    [18:11] Nitro: hello
    [18:12] [Ranger Alliance]: (webdragoon1337) knew there was another cool guy in here

    [URPG Chat]
    3:44:43 (silverxchrome) Nitro is attractive. Source: I'm a girl.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •