Soaked By a Buizel! The Kris Chronicles Part 1
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Thread: Soaked By a Buizel! The Kris Chronicles Part 1

  1. #1

    Default Soaked By a Buizel! The Kris Chronicles Part 1

    After leaving the comfort of his own home in Johto to come be a trainer in Kanto, Kris have found himself in a pickle!

    "Ok so I'm right here...or am I here? OH THIS FOREST MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL"
    Kris has found himself deep within the Viridian forest with no way of telling how to get out! But thats not the worst part he still hasn't cau-

    "Yeah, Yeah, Yeah and the worst part is I caught any Pokemon yet. I've been a trainer for 2 days now and I still only have my Togepi. Seriously I feel bad enough about it with out you talking to the whole world about it"

    What do you think your doing Kris? You can't just break 4th wall like that. I have a Job to do and you talking directly to me doesn't help things. People will get confused and wonder if I'm a real character or not. I'm the narrator, I help the story move along. I am not a buddy that you can talk to. Plus its just down right confusing.

    "Yeah I see what you mean, but try to keep the snarky comments about me to yourself. After all it is my story."

    Fine, fine. My I continue now, without any interruptions?

    "Be my guest."

    Good. Now as I was saying Kris hasn't had much luck on his first couple of day training Pokemon. He arrived at Pallet Town and got his pokedex and ran off to the Viridian Forest first thing. Why you may ask?

    "Because I didn't want to catch Rattatas or Pidgeys."

    Its because hes a horrible trainer.

    "Wait wha-"

    But by some unholy act of god Kris will actually be given a chance to catch a pokemon.

    "No seriously what did you say before?"

    Kris continued to walk aimlessly through the Viridian Forest for hours and hours, and he continued to do so until it was dark. In a rare moment of brilliance, he decided to set up camp. While setting up camp he heard a stage noise come from the bushes behind him.

    "What was that?"

    He said with fear in his voice. What a pansy.

    "....Whatever...I'm going to investigate this."

    Suit yourself. Anyways back to the story. So our Not-so-noble hero ventures into the bushes in search of what was making the noises he heard. Thats when he stumbled upon a Buizel Sleeping by a pond

    "Oh wow a Buizel! I didn't even know the where native to these parts!"

    Seeing how the Buizel was sleeping he decided it would be a good Idea to capture it, so he decided to send out his Togepi.

    "Lets Go Katie! Attack that Buizel using your Double Edge!"

    Togepi starts to go in for the attack but stops and seems to be alarmed. This puzzled our dimwitted hero who couldn't seem to see why his own Pokemon would betray him. Personally I think Its because they don't respect him. I mean how could you? Honestly hes hopeless.

    "KATIE! DOUBLE EDGE! NOW!"

    His Togepi shook her head no and motioned for Kris to come look at the Buizel. Upon his closer look at the Buizel he noticed that it was injured. After pondering what he could do for the poor thing, he remembered that the bushes that he had past had berries on them. So he returned his Togepi and went back to them he pulled a handful of berries of of the bush and brought them back to the fallen Bulbasaur. He tried to give them to the Buizel but it sneered and growled at him. I would too If he was trying to feed me anything. I just don't trust him, he seems kinda shady to me. But I digress as this on moment of failure didn't stop him from trying to help this poor Buizel.

    "Come on Buddy you have to eat these. They'll make you feel better."

    At first Buizel still refused the berries but after awhile of Kris pestering him, he decided to eat them. But I guess he could have seen that Kris was sincere and decided to eat them. In which case you should have probably been listening to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFUi9DITLRI&feature=related while reading this part. I guess for story purposes we'll say that the Bulbasaur did in fact see that Kris was a good person. So Kris stayed with Bulbasaur though out the night feeding it berries and neutering it back to good health. Kris did start to notice that the wounds where much worse then he originally thought, and he knew if this Bulbasaur didn't get medical attention soon it could die. I mean it can only eat so many berries.

    "If I can't get medical help for you soon you'll die...but I cant find my way out of this forrest..."

    That's when it hit him. Buizel are not native to the Viridian Forest. This Buizel had to have found its way in here and may be able to help him find his way out of the forest.

    "Hey Buddy, can you help me find a way out of this place? I promise to help you feel better after we get out of here, but I can't give you the help you need until we do."

    The Buizel nodded and began to lead the way, but its pain was too much and it fell flat on its face. Kris then picked up the Buizel.

    "Your still too weak to walk, just point out the directions that I have to go in order to get out of here."

    The Buizel nodded and pointed straight. Kris ran straight ahead and then noticed that this entire time he was right near the exit he was looking for. See I told you he was stupid.

    "Oh can it."

    Kris then ran through the door of the exit and was in Pewter City. He quickly scanned the rocky terrain of Pewter city for a Pokemon center and foun one which was located right next to the gym. He quickly ran toward it, holding the Buizel close to him.

    "Don't worry Buddy, I won't let you down."

    You now he said that to all of his girl friends? But once again I digress. He eventually got to the Pokemon Center and ran Up to the front counter.

    "Nurse! I have a fading pokemon here that needs you immediate attention!"

    "Uhhhgggg, this Job is so depressing. You know I never one see a Pokemon in perfect health? Its always 'Hey my Pokemons been hurt' or 'Hey this Pokemons dying'." Said the nurse

    "Doesn't that come with the territory of working at a hospital?"

    "Ehh your probably right. Buizel, huh? Such a cute Pokemon too. I'll have a Chansey take him to the back. But It might be toolate for this one." Said the Nurse

    "Wow your a real optimist huh Nurse Joy."

    "Joy? Oh no thats my step sister, I'm Nurse Press. But everyone calls me by my first name, Dee."

    Kris sat in the waiting room for hours, waiting for any news on his befriended Buizel. He feared that maybe Nurse Dee Press was right and that it wouldn't pull though. Or maybe its going to have to live on life support. Or maybe he was gay after all.

    "What?"

    Never mind. And after waiting for 3 agonizing hours the nurse Finally came out.

    "Is it alright?"

    "Oh your still here? Well yeah its fine. We healed it and released it back into the wild 2 hours ago." Said Nurse Dee

    "Oh....ok"

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFUi9DITLRI&feature=related
    It fits the mood once again. So Kris walked out of the Pokemon Center looking blue because he didn't even get to say goodbye to his friend Buizel. but then Kris heard a sound.

    "BUIZEL!!"

    Kris turned around to see Buizel running towards him. Kris light up like a Christmas tree and held out his arms to catch Buizel who just leaped into his arms.

    "Buizel, your alright! Now I want to ask you something Buizel. Do you want to join my team?"

    Buizel was about to answer but felt an unable to as if some higher force had an answer and would answer for Buizel. And they caaaaaannnn NOW.
    Pokemon Black FC: 0175 3227 6801

  2. #2
    'Lax in lederhosen Elrond 2.0's Avatar
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    Default Re: Soaked By a Buizel! The Kris Chronicles Part 1

    Introduction:

    Let me just say, that as I started the story, I was not pleased. I mean, when the first sentence has such an easily-fixed grammatical error in it, it immediately makes me not want to read any further. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the only grammatical error, either, but I’ll come to that in a minute.

    Actually, my biggest problem with the introduction was the perspective you wrote from. It was an omniscient third-person point of view (in other words, the narrator knows everything), and, on top of that, the narrator interacts with the main character throughout the story. Sometimes, this can be really funny, like in a cartoon, or something. But in a story, it’s terribly confusing… which you yourself acknowledged in the story.

    As far as the introduction itself goes, writing style aside, it wasn’t really very unique. Getting lost in a forest may lead into the plot well, but it doesn’t really make me want to read more. If you had written from a more limited third-person point of view, you could have gone more into Kris emotions and his fear at the beginning of the story, which would’ve made the beginning more exciting and realistic. Unfortunately, your narrator wasn’t realistic at all.

    Plot:

    The plot was pretty simple. I mean, the only “surprise” in the entire plot was that instead of battling Buizel, Kris discovered it was injured and took it to the Pokemon Center instead. For a simple Pokemon like Buizel, there doesn’t really need to be a complicated plot. However, you do need to know that for anything much harder, you need a more developed plot. If you start out a story and tell the reader that the trainer is looking for a Pokemon, then the reader can pretty much predict that the main character is going to look for and try to capture a Pokemon. However, in a story, being predictable isn’t a good thing. Instead of just starting off with a new trainer looking for Pokemon, you can create a different reasonfor Kris to be in the forest, and then bring a Buizel into the story somehow. Something as simple as looking for berries and discovering that the Buizel has been eating them all because he’s injured would be grounds for a more unique plot.

    Detail/Description:

    Your story really didn’t have much description at all, I’m sad to say. I learned a little bit about Kris’s personality through his banter with the narrator, but that was really the only detail that existed in this story. One of the problems with using a narrator that is aloof from the story is that you can’t really include a lot of detail. Stories need sensory descriptions, but you didn’t really include anything about appearances, let alone textures, smells, sounds, or tastes. Not using description just makes the story bland and unstimulating, which will not draw in readers. For your next story, I would suggest writing it from your main character’s point of view instead of using this narrator. You can use third person or first person, but make sure you describe everything that stimulates the main character’s five senses.

    If you can use descriptions to set a mood, you also won’t need to intersperse your story with Youtube links, which, in my opinion, is really kind of a dumb idea. Words can make readers feel sadness and happiness, anger, peace… You don’t need music to do that.

    Grammar/Spelling:

    I don’t know whether you’re just not good with grammar or were in a huge rush and didn’t pay attention to your writing. The problem is that the grammar and spelling problems were completely inconsistent. You capitalized random words, spelled random words wrong, and clearly did not proofread at all. However, I’ll point out some problems I saw throughout.

    "Ok so I'm right here...or am I here? OH THIS FOREST MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL"
    All quotations must end with punctuation. Since this quotation isn’t a single part of a longer sentence, it needs a period, or, more fiiting, probably an exclamation point.

    "Uhhhgggg, this Job is so depressing. You know I never one see a Pokemon in perfect health? Its always 'Hey my Pokemons been hurt' or 'Hey this Pokemons dying'." Said the nurse
    1) Job shouldn’t be capitalized.
    2) ‘You know I never one see’ makes no sense whatsoever. It could be “You know, (you need that comma there) I’ve never once seen” or “You know, I’ve never seen one” or something like that. Also, you shouldn’t end that sentence with a question mark, since it’s actually not a question. If it was “Did you know that I’ve never once seen… etc.” then it would take a question mark.
    3) ‘Its’ should be ‘It’s.’ You also need apostrophes to make ‘Pokemons’ into ‘Pokemon’s,’ since it’s a contraction, not a plural noun.
    4) Punctuation always goes inside the quotation marks. That includes ‘ and “ marks.
    5) Since the quotation is only part of a larger sentence, i.e. …

    “Hi there,” said Jane.

    … The quotation should end in a comma, not a period, like I’ve bolded in my example.
    6) You don’t capitalize the first word after a quotation unless it’s a proper noun (like someone’s name) or the first letter of a new sentence. So your ‘Said’ should be ‘said’ just like in my example.
    7) You didn’t end the actual sentence with any puncuation. You need a period after ‘nurse.’
    So, here’s how the full sentence should look, grammatically correct.

    "Uhhhgggg, this job is so depressing. You know, I’ve never once seen a Pokemon in perfect health. It’s always 'Hey, my Pokemon’s been hurt,' or 'Hey, this Pokemon’s dying,’" said the nurse.
    Honestly, that sentence stands for all of the grammatical errors in your story. You absolutely need to proofread, because the terrible grammar in your story makes it hard to read at times and looks like you just don’t care. I’m pretty sure if I corrected them all, I would go over the character limit for posts and have to make a second post. Seriously. Proofread.

    Length:

    It was enough.

    Battle:

    There wasn’t one. I mean, there’s really nothing I can say here. The battle simply didn’t exist. Yeah, it’s possible to write stories without them, but you’ve gotta be a good writer to pull it off. Since this is your first story, I’m going to ask you to write a battle. It’s not hard; you can tack it on at the end by having Buizel challenge Kris instead of that ending “And they caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan now!” Only when you know the rules can you break them, and you don’t know the rules yet. Please write a battle with three to four attacks from each side, and use as much detail as you can to describe each attack.

    Overall:

    Buizel not captured.

    Please go back and proofread. You need to decapitalize all of the random words you accidentally capitalized, find your rampant spelling errors, and put in punctuation where it’s needed. Then add the baattle at the end. When you’re done, PM me for a regrade. I think you can get better, but you need practice, so I can’t just let this stuff go.

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