Snow Way! A Collab Story. Ready for Grading.
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Thread: Snow Way! A Collab Story. Ready for Grading.

  1. #1

    Default Snow Way! A Collab Story. Ready for Grading.

    Snow Way
    This Story comes after my last, Thoughts. Yet again it’s a festive story, and I hope you like it! P.S: You’d have to read the last story to make sense of some parts. Dermodio.

    Attempting: Snover and Pikachu
    Required number of Characters: 10,000 and up.
    Actual Length: 21928 o:

    Purple means by Dermodio.
    Red Means By Emboarbeque.
    Blue is by Dermodio too.

    A long time ago, throughout all the regions of the Pokemon world, a final battle of a war was raging. The Sky was white, and the ground covered in soft, untouched snow. But it wouldn’t be for long. Two sides: The Aura Guardians and the Hand Of the Alchemist were charging towards each other, some armed to the teeth, others clutching Apricorns to summon mighty beasts that rested inside them. Upon his Salamance, high in the sky, The Alchemist watched as the two sides clashed. He knew neither would win. Both sides would be destroyed after this battle. He looked at the staff he clutched in his grip. He had gained the trust of a mighty legendary Pokemon to get it, and now he was going to betray him. The Alchemist spun the ball on top of the staff, and he glowed, and, with all his Apricorns he currently had, flashed through the time vortex. He was going to commit the greatest crime ever.

    Chapter one
    Merry Christmas

    Scrunch, Scrunch, Scrunch, went the snow under my feet. Scrunch, scrunch, Another Scrunch. I was going to go home to Cerulean City, but I had somehow got lost, and… well, somehow I ended up in Viridian forest. Gremlin the Sableye and Pondy the Poliwag looked slightly guilty after having played Tug-O-War with my map. And then we were hopelessly lost. Like, more lost than a Slowepoke in the middle of a jungle. And THAT’S lost. Very, very, lost. We came to rest by a pile of large boulders, encrusted in ice. I started berating the Pokemon again.

    “I cannot BELIVE, you decided to have some fun with my map while we were navigating our way to Cerulean! I mean, now we won’t be home by tomorrow night, and that’s Christmas eve! I mean-” I halted, because Gremlin had just growled. “Ok, Ok, No more complaining. But Still: it WAS very irresponsible. You could at least have-” Gremlin had closed his eyes, and I felt a tingling feeling, and the bottom of my feet felt that something was missing. Then I started twirling around and around. And then I realised what was missing: The Ground. I looked down and let out a screech. I was glowing and odd shade of purple. And I was about three meters above the ground. Gremlin grinned that creepy grin of his, and Pondy was rolling around, squealing sweet peals of laughter. At least that’s what I took it for.

    “Put me down, Gremlin!” I commanded. So Gremlin did so. THUD. I landed hard on the ground. “OOOUCH…” I groaned. I opened my eyes and looked at the three Pokemon staring down at me. Pondy looked genuinely sorry. But then Again, he can do that. Gremlin was still grinning, making little rattling noises as he laughed. And then I gaped. And counted again. One, Two, Three. Gremlin, Pondy. So who was this last one?

    Chapter 2
    Forrest in the Forest

    "Ha! Ha! Ha!" I chuckled. "Good one Gremlin!" Dermodio scrambled to his feet.

    "Wha? Who... whu... what are you and how do you know Gremlin and why are you here-?!" he said brushing the snow off jacket.

    "Wow, wow WOW!" I cried. "Calm down! My name is Forrest! I'm human like you! I"m here because I always come here everyday! I love these woods! I've come here ever since I was a baby. My parents used to take me here all the time! And the reason I know you're Sableye's name was because I heard you say his name!"

    "Oh..." said Dermodio. "You just startled me. That's all."

    "Sorry... Anyway, I sense that you are lost. I can help you out."

    "How do you know that I'm lost?" asked Dermodio.

    "Well, for starters, you're map is ripped and you're in the middle of the forest and-" Suddenly I was cut short.

    "What's wrong?" asked Dermodio. I raised my hand slowly, my hands were quivering of cold, and fright, and pointed at a large boulder behind Dermodio. Dermodio swiveled round and was disappointed to what he saw.

    "AAAH! It's a boulder!" he smirked. I gave him a nasty glance.

    "Shut up!" I cried shoving Dermodio. "That just moved!" The boulder shook. It started to crack. Dermodio, Gremlin and Pondy all rushed next to me. The boulder suddenly cracked and a huge Rhyperior jumped out.

    "WAAAAAAH!" we screamed. The Rhyperior locked it's cold, red eyes with me.

    "GIVE ME BACK MY OAK NECKLACE!" it roared.

    "Never!" I shoted. "It doesn't belong to you! It's mine!"

    "THEN I SHALL HAVE TO GET IT BACK USING ANY MEANS NECESSARY! ROCK SLIDE!" A truckload of rocks fell on top of us badly injuring the lot of us.

    "C'mon!" I screamed, shoving rocks out of my way. "Let's go!"[/COLOR]

    Chapter three
    Yet again, an evil monster

    We ran. We ran so fast, because we had to. A few minutes ago, the giant pile of frozen boulders was a giant pile of frozen boulders. Now, it was most certainly NOT a Giant pile of frozen boulders. It was a giant monster of a frozen Rhyperior. How it talked, I do not know. The strange boy who called himself Forrest was running with me, and he grabbed a Pokeball and let out a little crocodile.

    “Toto!” It gurgled gleefully. “Now is not the time!” Forrest shot at him. “Come on!” He picked up Totodile-because that is what it was- and turned around. “Go for a Hydro Pump, and aim for his neck!” Forrest called. Totodile opened his mouth as wide as can be, and blasted out a large jet of water straight at the pursuing Rhyperior. Rhperior stopped momentarily, shook himself, and charged at us, faster than before. I gasped. The water that hadn’t slipped off had frozen.

    “OK, Bad idea. Keep running.” Forrest muttered. He ran on, still holding Totodile, and I ran as well. We all ran, except for Gremlin. Gremlin growled. And not his usual growl. An angry growl. Then he snarled. And flew straight at Rhyperior. Rhyperiours crimson eyes widened, and then narrowed. Gremlin slashed at the monster with claws that left a trail of purple as they cut through the air, a Shadow Claw if I’m not mistaken, but Rhyperior shrugged it off, and let down the rain. A rain of Rocks. This creature was good with Rock slide.

    “Pesky little vermin. You always were.” It rumbled. I recalled Gremlin into my Pokeball, and we continued running. Rhyperior let out a blast of ice from one hand, and fire from the other. The flames hit a tree, and a small yellow rodent skidded out. “Pikachu!” it called out, searching for a way out from the ring of blaze that had developed around him, his home, and a few bushes. Forrest stopped, and called out to Totodile, “Hydro Pump those flames!” I glared at him while I halted.

    “Come ON!” I yelled. The Rhyperior had slowed down, and was lumbering triumphantly towards us. “We don’t have time!” Forrest dashed in as soon as the flames died out, and grabbed the Pikachu. “We have to get it to safety.” I turned to Rhyperior, and saw Pondy unleash a Double Slap on his face. This seemed to have pained him, as he stopped and held his face in pain for a moment. That’s all we needed. We broke into a run, and got away.

    Later, Forrest put the Pikachu down. “There. You are safe now.” He told it. Pikachu looked longingly at him for a moment, and dashed off. We came into a clearing, and was about to berate Forrest even more, when a little Pokemon tugged at my leg. It was small, white with buits of green and seemed to be wearing a hat. I looked around, and saw the place was full of them. “Snover snii!” The little one pulling my leg said. I looked around, amazed. We seemed to be in a clearing belonging to a migration of Snover.

    Chapter 4
    Snover in the hole!

    "We'll be safe here, hopefully" I muttered. "I can make up a shelter with this hollow trunk. All I need is some string, some leaves and a whole lot of Snovers?!" I gazed out over the clearing watching the Snover waddle through. I saw Totodile and Pondy jumping around with some Snover, laughing. I also saw Dermodio shaking hands with a Snover wearing a hat? I forced a smile, but then frowned again.

    "I hope that Pikachu is okay," I murmured. "I'm gonna check and see if that pile of pebbles is gone!" Dermodio gave me the thumbs up and I scrambled up the side of the clearing. I scanned the area. Nothing. All was silent. That's what worried me, I thought. Suddenly, I saw something move. I glanced over to a large tree trunk in the distance. A rock seemed to be poking out the side of it.

    "Rhyperior!" I whispered. I slid back down to greet Dermodio. "He's out there! Waiting." Dermodio gawked and sent out Gremlin.

    "We have to fight!" he said gripping his pokeball.

    "No! We don't!" I spat. "I do! He's after me no you!"

    "I've heard this speech on loads of movies before and you know what? It gets old Forrest. If it hadn't been for you, I'd be fine. Pondy would be fine and so would Gremlin, but we're not. Okay?" I gave him a guilty look.

    "I'm sorry..." I choked.

    "Nah!" said Dermodio. "Just kiddin'!"

    "Honest to god Dermodio!" I cried. "Do that again and you're dead! Hear me?!" Dermodio frowned.

    "Yes... I'm sorry..." he said.

    "We could do this all day!" I laughed.

    "Yeah!" giggled Dermodio. "But we're wasting time! We've got to get all these Snover out of here! And keep... whatever that necklace is, safe!"

    "Yup," I said. "We need to make a plan before he gets to us how about we-"

    "Dig ourselves out?" Dermodio pointed to a large hole in the ground in the clearing with a Snover in it waving to us.

    "This gets better and better doesn't it?" I groaned. "A big, dark, scary to crawl in. Great!"

    "C'mon!" cried Dermodio. "What's the worst that could happen?"

    Chapter Four
    Tremor Trouble

    The worst thing that could happen, it seemed, was the fact Rhyperior was a ground type and could dig AND control quakes. Forrest kept guard, watching the giant rhinoceros creature, occasionally throwing snowballs at it. I dug, with the aid of Gremlin and the Snover I had met. Pondy would have helped, except he had no arms. Instead, he watched with Forrest.

    “Why isn’t he coming into the clearing?” I called out to Forrest. “He must be afraid of the large number of Snovers here.” He replied. The Snover helping me puffed out his chest in pride. “Yes, Fedora, the Rhyperior is afraid of you and your buddies.” I told him, calling him a name I thought of on the spot, thanks to the Hat he wore.

    Soon enough, thanks to Fedora getting his friends to help, we dug into the ground that even numb human hands could dig through unaided. Forrest jumped down, and, before he went under the level of the ground, he thought he saw Rhyperior’s eyes glint.

    Soon, we stopped for a brake. I rummaged through my bag for some Poke Food, and ended up touching something incredibly hot. I pulled out the book the man in Lavender town had given me on Halloween. It opened automatically on a page showing a large, ice covered Pokemon- a Rhyperior. Our eyes widened, and when Gremlins eyes did the same, he shot light out for us, enabling us to read.

    “This twisted creature is one of many that was owned by the Alchemist,” I read. “A Foul monster, capable of Ice and Fire attacks. He was left as a Rhyhorn in the freezing conditions of the Ice Age-“ I
    paused. “The Ice Age? Wasn’t that, like, 3000 years ago?” “Go on,” Forrest replied. “Ok. The Alchemist had the power to weave through time by gaining the trust of the Pokemon that controlled it. So, the Alchemist used this power for evil, and created the beast. The Rhyperior can be foreseen if ice starts appearing out of nowhere. The Beast was captured by the Alchemist to find his enemy, the leader of the Aura Gaurdians, and the object he kept, called the Oak Necklace-“ I stopped. The Page had frozen over. Then there was a rumbling noise. A whirring noise. A Roar.

    Then Everything shook. We were thrown all over the place. And the whirring grew louder. We scrambled backwards, and then- CRASH! A giant silhouette was at the end of where we were digging. It rotated, and drilled towards us. Rhyperior had seen us go underground.

    Chapter 5
    Dig or Die

    As the Rhyperior accented towards us, part of the earth next to us started to rumble. It crumbled and a yellow hand popped out.

    "Pikachu?!" I gasped. I grabbed the arm and pulled Pikachu out. He had a large scar across his face. He was wearing a red bandana around his neck. He clutched his face in pain

    "What happened?!" I cried. Pikachu didn't answer and he signalled us to get out of the hole. The was a good idea as the roof of the hole seemed to be caving in. Dermodio told the Snovers to retreat and we crawled as fast as we could to the surface. We all managed to get out safely yet Rhyperior was still on our tail.

    "Dermodio!" I shouted. Dermodio turned round panting with dirt all over his clothes.

    "What?" he gasped.

    "We can't escape with all these Snovers! Rhyperior can spot us all clearly with them. We're basically giving him a helping hand! We have to get them to safety!" Dermodio nodded. He signalled for them to run away, as far as they could away from Rhyperior and they did. We looked around and all we could see were Snovers fleeing in different directions. Soon they were all out of sight. Execpt for one, yet we still didn't notice that it had gone.

    "Great!" I panted. "Now, we have to hide." Dermodio nodded and we scarpered to a large tree. I seemed to be hollow so we all huddled inside.

    "What the?!" said Dermodio. One of the Snovers was hanging onto Dermodio's trousers.

    "You were supposed to have fled with the others!" he said. Snover looked away guiltily.

    "I think somebody has taken a liking to you!" I said stroking Snover. "You should keep him!" Dermodio smiled at Snover who smiled back.

    "Welcome to the gang Fedora!" Fedora giggled and brushed some dirt off his hat. But I focused back on Pikachu.

    "But why are you still here? And how did you get that scar?! And why are you wearing my bandana?!" Pikachu wiggled his ears and started to speak.

    "Pika pika! Pika pika pika! Pikachu!" he said. Dermodio stared at him.

    "What now?" he said.

    "He said, Rhyperior spotted my bandana and tried to pick up my scent so Pikachu grabbed it and ran off with, but just as he started to run, Rhyperior clawed him in the face! Then he burrowed underground into our tunnel!" Dermodio looked at me as if I was an alien.

    "You got all that from pika pika?" he said. I chuckled, but then a large arm swooped down and cut the tree in half. He stared at us with his chilly, red eyes.

    "PARTY'S OVER BOYS!" he roared.

    "Oh brother," said Dermodio.

    Chapter Six
    The Power of a Few Hundred
    Rhyperior snarled at us, and scrunched his hands together. We scrambled out of the tree, and backed away, slowly. “What do you want?” I called out at it. “Two things, mite.” It blared at us. “One: The Sableye. He’s gonna learn his manners. And two: The Oak Necklace. You took it from my master. Now you’ll give it back.” Rhyperior leaned over, and snatched Gremlin. Gremlin struggled, and started biting the monster, but the colossal Rhyperior simply froze him.

    “Now… I’d like the Oak Necklace.” It barked. “Yeah, and I’d like a flat-screen TV for Christmas, but it ain’t gonna happen.” I retorted. “You won’t get it!” screamed Forrest. “It belonged to my ancestors, and it let’s me do much more than look cool!”

    Rhperior gazed at us. Then he picked something off the ground. A rock. No, I realized, it was more than just a rock, I realized. It uncurled, and let out a screech. It was a Geodude! Rhyperior clicked it into its palm, then aimed at us. BRUM! A puff of dust scattered, as Rhyperior blasted the Geodude at Forrest, missing by the fraction of a centimetre. Rhyperior roared, and we ran. Now Fire blasted through the sky above them, As Rhyperior charged. By now, some of the Pokemon that lived in Viridian Forest had heard the commotion, and watched us run.

    We were cornered. After a few minutes running, Rhyperior caught us in a Dead end. Our backs to the wall, Rhyperior grimaced. Rhyperior put its hands together, and small chunks of grey stones came out of the holes on Rhyperior's hands and formed together into a large grey rock that glowed red. The glow faded, and Rhyperior launched the rock at Forrest. “No!” I screeched, and jumped in front of Forrest. Then- WHAM. The world turned to mush upon impact. Forrest was turning to jelly. Jelly. Mmm. Everyone is jelly now! My head hurts. My thoughts were going crazy as I fell to the ground.

    Everything went black.

    The following is the point of view of Pondy The Poliwag.

    Dermodio fell to the ground. The Nasty Pokemon had thrown a reeeeally big rock at him. I was angry. I blasted my Hydro Pump at him, because he was a big bully.! And Nobody likes big bullies. But when my attack hit the Bully, it wasn’t water anymore! It turned into a transparent suit, like a nice woolly jumper. The transparent woolly jumper fell to the ground and smashed. The bully looked at me, and I scittered behind my friend, Totodile. Totodile hid behind the funny boy. The Funny boy understands a lot, and he understood we were scared.

    “It’s Ok,” he said, “We will be alright.” The Big bully made a snorty noise, like this: HURonk. See? And he said, “Hardly.” Then he picked up another rock and put it in his hand and it went- TSOOM! It made a really loud noise like that. Then he shot fire at us. We jumped out of the way, but it hit a bush and started spreading across the clearing. And all the Pokemon that lived there were shouting and screeching. I shot a Bubble Beam at the closest fire, and started putting it out. The Big Bully couldn’t move, but he was grinning.

    My friend Fedora was cross. He shouted out in our language, to all the Pokemon there. “Every one!” he called, “This big bully has hurt us, and broke a lot of the forest! But he can’t move, because he is tired from the last attack! If we team up, we can beat him!” A Weedle and a Caterpie just beside us nodded, and soon everyone was shouting out in agreement. The big bully started moving slowly. He was going to be able to move soon! Then, a flock of Spearow and a Fearow zipped past us, and landed a few Peck’s on the bully. Then A Beedrill buzzed towards it, and started shooting Twinneedles at him. The Bully’s hand glowed, and he hit the Beedrill with a Hammer Arm. But now everyone was attacking. A couple of Wurmples let out string Shot at his legs, and tripped him up. Gremlin by now had got out of his transparent cage, and let out a pretty Shadow Ball. Then the strange Pikachu did something. His cheeks glowed, and he let out a burst of very zappy electricity. The Funny Boy gasped. “A High Voltage Thunder?!” The Bully was defeated by the Pokemon of Viridian!

    Suddenly, I felt something. It wasn’t nice. Totodile felt it too, and we looked around. Suddenly, there was a flash of black, and I saw a big man, wearing a cloak and holding a long pretty stick. He looked at the funny boy, and smiled. The Funny boy said something. “The Alchemist…”
    “A What?” I asked Totodile. He shrugged. Then the man looked at us. He pointed the stick. A strange stream came out of it. Then everything was slow. The Funny Boy looked as if someone had stepped on his toe. That does hurt, for Pokemon like Carnivine reading this. Then there was a bright light, like someone using flash, and it wooshed us away. The man was angry, then he wooshed away in his own flash.
    We landed back in Viridian Forest.
    Then Dermodio woke up. “What happened?” he groaned.

    Chapter 7
    A hello and a farewell

    The pokemon around us we're cheering and jumping around while large smiles stretched out on their faces. I couldn't help, but laugh. The the inscription on my oak necklace was glowing. I had always noticed that mark, but I never knew what it meant. It was getting brighter and brighter until it blinded me. My hearing became all muffled and my sight was blurry. I stumbled about the bracken and I toppled on to the floor next to Dermodio. I clutched the pendant tight in my hands. Then, something caught my eyes weaving in and out of the trees. It had a green glow about it and my senses came back, but they only focused on that object. Soon I managed to make out what it was. Celebi. It looked down at me and smiled.

    "Thank you Forrest," it said. "Tell Dermodio and the whole forest, thank you." I nodded then it nodded back. Celebi then flew into the distance until I couldn't see it. Soon the fog around me cleared and I could see and hear clearly. The cheers, the laughter all came back. Dermodio cast me a curious look.

    "Are you okay?" he said. Pondy, Gremlin and Fedora all gathered round him.

    "Yeah," I said. "Im fine." He helped me up and Pikachu jumped up onto my back.

    "Heya Bandit!" I said.

    "Bandit?" asked Dermodio.

    "What? He does look like a Bandit with that bandana and that scar!"

    "Oh yeah!" he replied. "He does a bit!" We all laughed. The forest pokemon all cleared and we sat in the snow and talked for hours. I then took a moment to look at my necklace. I finally figured out the inscription. It was Celebi. Then Totodile pulled at my bag. He was shivering with cold. I pulled out a scarf from my bag and wrapped it round him. I then stood up.

    "I better be going now," I said. "I'll see you round guys!" They all waved goodbye and I walked out of the forest. I looked back and took in the view of the trees and the sunshine. I could just see Celebi waving to me from behind the branches. I waved back and walked away. Totodile's stomach rumbled and so did Bandits.

    "Are you guys hungry?" I asked. They all nodded.

    "Then I'll race you to the nearest cafe!" I then sprinted off with my new pokemon and my old friend running behind me. We rushed over the hills and across the land.

    "God!" I cried. "Is there a cafe here or what?!"

    Meanwhile back in the forest, Dermodio was setting off for his home town.

    "That Forrest kid was cool..." he said. "BUT HE DIDN'T EVEN HELP US OUT OF THE FOREST!" Whilst he was fuming, in the hole we escaped in, a Riolu climbed out. He then ran off through the tall grass off into the horizon. The legend of the Aura Guardians... continues...


    also, this is entered in the WWC
    Last edited by Mister Insufferable; 21st December 2010 at 01:27 PM.

    Read Soul Light, a comic by me about spooky stuff!
    Call me Derry, Dermodio, Modio or Sir. Actually, scratch the first 3.
    Formally one of the best dag-nab roleplayers on this website yo.
    Winner of the 2011 Winter RPG Awards for Best Academy RP (Ampiomach Academy),
    Best Character in a Pokemon RP and Best GM in a Pokemon Roleplay

    Friend Code- 3067-5323-3960

  2. #2

    Default Re: Snow Way! A Collab Story. Ready for Grading.

    URPG Statistics
    Running Through Daisies

    kers x alaska x zak x derian x scourge x ireign

  3. #3

    Default Re: Snow Way! A Collab Story. Ready for Grading.

    Woah, Nearly forgot 'bout this till I saw it in new posts. If it is graded, I can get to writing a new story!

    Read Soul Light, a comic by me about spooky stuff!
    Call me Derry, Dermodio, Modio or Sir. Actually, scratch the first 3.
    Formally one of the best dag-nab roleplayers on this website yo.
    Winner of the 2011 Winter RPG Awards for Best Academy RP (Ampiomach Academy),
    Best Character in a Pokemon RP and Best GM in a Pokemon Roleplay

    Friend Code- 3067-5323-3960

  4. #4

    Default Re: Snow Way! A Collab Story. Ready for Grading.

    Long wait, bad grade. Sorry…

    Introduction and Plot (with splashes of description): You have the basic concept of an introduction down pat. Interesting setup, introduction of funky plot elements that come up later, a bit of excitement… On a purely mechanical level, you picked a very workable method to start out your story. The execution, however, didn’t take full advantage of the elements you have.

    Firstly, massive battle scene. Beasts running towards each other, breathing fire, electrocuting man and monster into singed lumps of flesh, slashing each other to pieces side-by-side with their human partners… Battle is pretty gruesome. Even if you want to take a less grisly approach, you’re describing a battle scene, and you write it like you want it to be intense. But it wasn’t, because you didn’t really show us what was happening. Are they screaming? Are men falling over, tripping on corpses? And what are these two sides? Is one marked by a particular culture, a particular strategic style? Did they know the Alchemist? There are a lot of details you could include, or omit, deliberately. There just needs to be some deliberation, and far greater attempts at setting the scene, for this to be an effective introduction.

    Secondly, prose. Throughout the rest of the piece, you have some grammatical errors, but your prose is pretty accessible. The prose in this passage is loose, and kindof hard to read. You need to give it a good thumb-through and edit to tighten it up. Your sentences are awkwardly phrased, especially towards the end of the paragraph. If an introduction seems flimsy, you lose a lot of the appeal to your story early on. It’s pretty important that your writing be at its best at the beginning (and the end) of a story, because those are the parts that are going to leave the most impact, from both a story and an audience perspective

    Thirdly, continuity. You bring up some questions. What is “the greatest crime ever”? Who is this Alchemist? Why does he want to destroy these people? How did he “befriend” a legendary? You have to be sure to make us confident you’ll answer these questions in the story itself, if you’re going to raise them. You kinda just left us hanging.

    So, recap: Nice conception, iffy execution. For this reason, the Prologue was only a partially effective introduction.

    Collaboration: As collaborative writers, you’re expected to edit each other’s works for consistency. As such, the next two sections will be written under the assumption that you did so. You’re getting one section for both of your parts.

    Plot/Description: So, your plot. It was interesting. That is, what parts of it I could actually decipher. Even after reading its predecessor, I found it very hard to follow your story—partially because of the writing style, partially because of the grammatical errors, and also partially because the plot itself felt like it was kinda stuck together and not very well addressed. Those questions I asked in the introduction question? You never really answered all of them. You also didn’t make me think that you would (in future chapters).

    What I really wanted to see was a bit of… down time. Slow down. Take a moment to pause, describe the environment, explain what just happened, explain exactly what your character thinks about it… Give a glimpse of the situation. Not in the middle of a battle, or the climax—nothing that needs to be fast paced. But find somewhere. Introductions, especially. Explanations, even when they’re on the run. There are moments of peace—use them. Give us perspective. Explain things out.

    First person point of view exists so that you can not only tell a story, but tell us what, exactly, is going on in your character’s head. So give me a bit more of that, too. He runs into the Alchemist, who’s a big huge shadowy figure. Then everything gets slow. How does he feel about this? Scared? Disturbed? Everything’s just too slow to tell, and he thinks he should be feeling something but he just plain can’t? And then he shows up far, far away, and safe. Does he worry about this? Does he just take it for granted?

    The plot itself worked, on a conceptual level. You just need to make all the parts stick together and make a bit more sense. Maintaining an air of mystery is good, but you have to be willing to explain a few things and leave a few teasers. Try to clear up confusion about the Alchemist and the necklace, if you can—your explanations weren’t very clear, as-is. Add some more perspective from your characters. You’ll be good.

    Grammar: Your grammar was enough of a mess that I couldn’t tell what errors you were genuinely making, and what errors were just un-proofread flubs. Both of the writers need to go over both sections for basic proofreading. You often substituted apostrophes for quotation marks and vice versa… There were missing letters, added letters, missing words… Go over and find that stuff.

    Because of all the dandruff floating around with that stuff, I’ll just talk about the bits I know need to be addressed.

    I raised my hand slowly, my hands were quivering of cold, and fright, and pointed at a large boulder behind Dermodio.
    Mmkay. Sentence structure. Basic sentence structure is an independent clause. That means subject, verb, object. Or, in other words, “The dog bit the cat.” Dog is subject doing something to a fellow noun. You can add bits and pieces to this (ie “The black dog bit the small cat really hard”) but it’s still essentially the same sentence structure at the heart. (I know this is probably insultingly rudimentary, BUT IT’S IMPORTANT, SO.) When you get a structure that stands alone like this, the grammar needs to provide a strong degree of separation. You can’t link this to the surrounding sentences with a comma. You have to use a stronger linking method—a dash (—), a semi-colon (;), or a period.

    When you get into more complex sentence structures, you have a dependent clause attached to that independent clause. “The dog bit the cat, snarling as he did so.” Snarling has no true subject/object composition; if you cut it off from the independent clause, it makes no sense. That means it needs to be attached via comma. Comma often indicates subordination. There are quite a few other constructions, but those are a few of the very, very basic ones that got a little confused throughout the course of this piece. Go through and look for that structure setup, and see how you can patch it up.

    Battle: The battle had a very nice feel of being harried and hurried and otherwise speedy and awkward. That was good. However, as I said with the plot, make sure you take a few moments to slow down, give a little perspective, show us exactly how devastating the Rhy-thingy’s moves are, how hard the ground shakes, how terrifying it all is… Talked about this in the description section.

    Verdict: Normally, this would merit one capture, and just need a bit of editing and clarification for both. However, this is a collaborative work…. I don’t really want argument between which one of you gets the ‘mon, especially if you decide not to edit it. So, for now, Pikachu and Snover not captured. First thing you need to do is fix silly errors. Then, go back and try to clarify some of the plot by fleshing out that description and slowing some of it down. That'll be enough to nab 'em both.
    URPG Statistics
    Running Through Daisies

    kers x alaska x zak x derian x scourge x ireign

  5. #5

    Default Re: Snow Way! A Collab Story. Ready for Grading.

    Thanks for the Grade!

    Unfortunatley, I doubt there is any merit right now in actually correcting all these errors that we made, as Emboarbeque hasn't been on for months, and I doubt in the firseeable future. Plus, I havn't really been active on URPG recently... So... I guess I'll leave the story in a grave. *grabs spade*

    Thanks again!

    Read Soul Light, a comic by me about spooky stuff!
    Call me Derry, Dermodio, Modio or Sir. Actually, scratch the first 3.
    Formally one of the best dag-nab roleplayers on this website yo.
    Winner of the 2011 Winter RPG Awards for Best Academy RP (Ampiomach Academy),
    Best Character in a Pokemon RP and Best GM in a Pokemon Roleplay

    Friend Code- 3067-5323-3960


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