Thread: SLC's Fairy Tales [NEEDS GRADING]

Hello, and welcome to my book of fairy tales. I will be adapting some classic tales to my own accord for both your own pleasure and mine. I hope you enjoy reading these as much as I enjoyed writing them. Stories in red are stories in need of grading and critique, so please take your time to look at them. Please click the stories for a link to them.

BOOK 1: Kings and Queens
I: The Princess and the Magikarp Prince

THE PRINCESS AND THE MAGIKARP PRINCE

There once was a beautiful princess who went by the name of Megan. Megan had the most beautiful face you could imagine; long, blonde hair which was always flowing down the back of her neck like a river, stretching all the way down to her torso. She had the most sunning pair of eyes in the world; the same shade of blue as a Gyarados. She was extremely pretty, and she knew she was, too. The only problem that she seemed to have in the world was that she wasn't allowed out of her castle to meet anyone - she was doomed to be alone for all of eternity.

Her father, being the king and all, was a rich man. He, again, being the king, always got his own way, and this didn't only stretch across the whole of the kingdom, but inside his own household. He had around fifteen maids to do his bidding; clean the cellar, polish his shoes, make his dinner. You name it, he made them do it. He loved commanding people to do things, which is why he imposed such strict rules on even his own family.

This had always been one of the negatives to being a princess – you couldn't go out and party, meet new people. Pretty much, you couldn't even live your life to the fullest. This had always greatly upset Megan, almost to the point which she wasn't sure whether to stay alive at all – she was contemplating suicide, due to the fact that she had no friends or anyone to talk to – her father was too busy ruling the kingdom with an iron fist, and her mother was away on royal business. Even when she was here, there was nothing new or interesting to talk about.

One day, when Megan was feeling particularly bored, she decided to get a little bit of fresh air and go for a stroll in the castle grounds. They were very pretty – the green grass was always very lush and fresh, and was mowed regularly to make everything look perfect. There were multiple trees, of many different varieties – oaks, elms, birches - to keep the look somewhat varied. So anyway, the beautiful princess was walking alone by the back of the castle, when she walked past a small fountain. It was a new feature that was recently bought by the king just the other day, and it was the first time that Megan had ever seen it. It looked brilliant – it was made of a smooth marble and had multiple tiers. Water was gushing from the top like a volcano. It surely must have cost a small fortune – it was about the size of an elephant, if not slightly bigger.

Megan looked into the lower tier of the fountain. An interesting sight – it was full of large, orange fish. The princess recognized them as Magikarp. They weren't the most pretty of fish – a comparison would be to see a human being trampled in the face by a horse and carriage. Megan turned her nose up in disgust, before continuing on her way. She took a few steps, before she heard a voice.

“Princess!” It called. “Hey, princess! Come back! Hey!”

It was an unusual voice, one that Megan had never heard before. This was curious; it was definitely a male voice, and the only man in the entire castle was the king himself. So how did someone else get in? Megan turned around, and saw no one. She had thought that it was just her mind playing tricks on her, and was about to turn back when-

“Princess! Come here! To the fountain!”

Still extremely confused, she took a few light steps over to the fountain, when she saw what creature was talking to her. One of the Magikarp was speaking, beckoning Megan to the fountain. “It's a trick of the mind,” she thought to herself. “Fish cannot speak!”

“Help me, fair lady! A terrible witch put a curse on me, and turned me into a Magikarp! Only the kiss of a princess will turn me back into the human I desire to become once more!”

Megan was caught off-guard. One moment, she was wishing that a prince would take her away from the strict rules of her father, and now, one appears!

“Please, princess,” the Magikarp spoke. “I'll take you away from all of this if you just help me with a kiss!”

Megan thought carefully to herself, and then decided to risk a kiss on the fish. She drew her face closer to the scaly being, before pecking it on the lips with her own pair. And to her disbelief, it was lying. It had an extremely smug look on its face, and decided to jump out of the water into Megans hands – it was in love!

However, Megan had a different plan. She was very annoyed, and began to beat it against the edge of the fountain once, twice, thrice. In anger, she had decided to keep it locked in the castle dungeons for the rest of eternity, alone forever, banished to the same curse that the Megan had been forced to live with - forever.

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For: Magikarp
Characters - 4580

Sorry it took so long.

Introduction: On some level, it works. Your first paragraph is pretty much snap-bang “this is what’s going down, so there.” Orients us within the story, introduces the character and her goals, and gives a vague sense of the setting. However, I’m hesitant to say it was fully effective. This, for two reasons: One, an extended description of a princess is pretty dull in and of itself. Makes me think that this’ll be a big ramble about princessy things. Now, you say, aren’t fairy tales princessy things? And the answer is, no, not really. The princesses are convenient vehicles to create mysticism and wealth and pretty girls and other such things, which bend themselves easily to what the stories are actually about. Usually, when fairy tales start out with a description of the princess, they use that description to hint at what they’re actually gonna be doing.

TWO. Now, because you used such a “uh… yeah…” sort of intro description topic, you needed to make it really, really gravitating. You actually did a pretty good job of adding that ethereal, fairy-tale-esque feel to it, but I didn’t quite get the next level of “ooh, where’s THIS going” that an introduction needs. To pull that off, you could’ve perhaps played up that whole “Fate” thing that’s present in fairy-tales, or do some massive foreshadowing that plays off of the “she wasn’t allowed to meet anyone” statement. Something that gives it a bit more of a sense of direction.

Plot: This amused me deeply. It was a pretty brief, straight-forward setup. You could definitely have used a bit more of a build-up to the kiss, so that when he doesn’t change, the reader has this moment of jolty shock. That’s kindof the climax of the fic, ‘n it wasn’t climaxy at all. It was more a brief moment of, “…oops,” that was almost a little boring, than the moment of “BAHAHAHA, SHE GOT TRICKED” or “EWWW THAT’S DISGUSTING” or “What a deceitful little prat! I can’t believe he did that!” (or what have you) that a climax should have.

Megan thought carefully to herself, and then decided to risk a kiss on the fish. She drew her face closer to the scaly being, before pecking it on the lips with her own pair. And to her disbelief, it was lying. It had an extremely smug look on its face, and decided to jump out of the water into Megans hands – it was in love!

So for this paragraph, you might’ve considered drawing out the buildup—describing the fishy scent, its puckered lips, Megan’s hesitation. Then you have “And to her disbelief, it was lying”… which really isn’t that impactful. “It was lying, to her disbelief” would’ve made the moment more “ohdear.” Or even something as simple as, “Nothing happened. And she waited, and waited… and… still, nothing happened.” Something brief, slap-bang, “OH MY GOD” is pretty necessary for a story like this.

If you lack a well-done climax, it’ll be hard to get captures at higher levels, ‘cause graders won’t be as entertained by your story. SO PAY HEED TO THIS.

Grammar: You had a couple of basic accidents you would’ve caught with some avid proofreading (ie, her eyes are stunning… not sunning, I would assume? XD) Beyond that, your grammar is more than solid enough for a Magikarp. Not gonna talk more about it.

Description: Your description is there, and was actually pretty awesome at moments.

They weren't the most pretty of fish – a comparison would be to see a human being trampled in the face by a horse and carriage.

This is probably one of my favorite descriptions of a Magikarp, ever. Your description of the gardens was also pretty sweet—really painted a picture of this regal, well-manicured place of stuffiness and grandeur.

HOWEVER. There were a few things that you probably should’ve described… that you didn’t. You give a good “character looks, writing shows” sortof description, but you don’t have a super solid grasp on anything other than the basic “sight” element of description. There are times when actions are pretty important—not just “the princess leaned toward the fish,” where you paint an exact picture of what she’s doing… but something like “the princess leaned toward the fish, slowly, hesitantly, nose held high, eyes screwed shut and watering against the Magikarps’ stench”—with a little more detail to paint a little more picture. Instead of just telling you what she’s doing, it shows you how she’s doing it and a little bit of how she feels about it. That can be important in description. Showing a character’s feelings without stating them is pretty powerful. So consider that for the future.

Battle: No idea how you could’ve fit one into this. XD Keep in mind what I said about the climax, though, because it ought to be pretty recognizable in a more complex capture… and a battle is a pretty easy way to get that done.

Length: Mmyup.

Verdict: Magikarp Captured. You could potentially have a tough time at higher levels because of your description methods, and the way they effect the plot progression (see climax stuff I discussed earlier). But for a Magikarp fic, you're pretty darned good to go.