Silenced Fury

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  1. #1
    The Curious Lord of Time Thanatos's Avatar
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    Default Silenced Fury

    “Come on Bolt!” said Leon as he and his partner walked down the battered path. Leon looked around and saw towering trees and dense bush. He loved Viridian forest and everything in it. The lush greenery, the peaceful hum that seemed to never end, all of it. He stopped. “I’m hungry Bolt,” he said as he gently sat down. He took off his backpack and unzipped it. Leon reached in a pulled a sandwich out. He broke it in half. “There you go Bolt,” he said as he handed half of the sandwich to his Shinx, Bolt.”Shinx, shinx!” cried Bolt as he attacked his half of the sandwich. Leon eagerly bit into his jam sandwich. “Yum,” said Leon as he tore of some bread and stuffed it into his mouth “Nothin’ like good ol’ homemade jam sandwich, right Bolt?”
    “Shinx!” cried Bolt as it tore off another chunk of sandwich.

    Leon stopped eating and looked up. He could have sworn he had heard something. “Did you hear that Bolt?”
    “Shinx,” Together they stood up. There it was again, a weak splashing sound. “It’s coming from over there!” cried Leon. He bounded towards the source of the sound with Bolt right behind him. In front of them a vast lake appeared. In it was an orange thing flapping around. “What’s that?” asked Leon as he took out Dexter, his Pokedex. He aimed Dexter at the bouncing object. Magikarp Dexter read in the distant past, it was somewhat stronger than the horribly weak descendants that exist today. These days all it does is Splash around. Suddenly the water erupted a towering figure erupted from it. The creature had a huge red and cream serpent-like body covered in scars. Atop its head looked like what was a webbed crown. It roared and shot a blast of water out of its mouth.

    Leon and Bolt jumped back. “G-G-Gy-Gyarados!” stammered Leon. “Run!” Shouted Leon as he and Bolt ran for their lives. They stopped rapidly as a bunch of thorns appeared in their way. They quickly spun around. “Bolt, wild charge!”
    “Shinx!” Bolt glowed yellow and charged towards the lake. Bolt skimmed over the water faster than lightning, covering more distance with each bound.”SHIIIIINXXXXX!” cried bolt as it slammed into the Gyarados.”Raaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrr!” The Gyarados reared back. It started twisting rapidly. Eventually a tormenting twister took form. The Gyarados dived into the lake and the twister stormed forward. Leon and Bolt stood there, unable to move. Suddenly, a strand of white string. Others started coming out to, all a different shade of a different colour. The twister slowed gradually slowed to a halt. Leon looked back and saw hundreds of bug-like pokemon. “Thanks guys!” called Leon to the pokemon that had saved his and his partners life. He watched as they launched their strongest attacks at the Gyarados and watched it sink to the bottom of the lake, falling into a deep slumber.

    ”Magiii…” gasped something below them. The pair looked down at the weak Magikarp lying on the floor. Leon grinned. He saw many possibilities if he caught the Magikarp. Leon took out his pokeball stood up and threw his pokeball. It bounced of the Magikarp and a red beam shot from its center. The pokeball wobbled once…twice… and the Magikarp shot back out. “What! Bolt spark!” an orb started growing in its mouth. It shot the orb forward and it hit the Magikarp. “MAAAAAAAAGIIIIIII-!” screeched Magikarp. Leon threw his pokeball at the Magikarp. Again the ball wobbled back and forth as the Magikarp tried to escape. The ball stopped and glowed for a second. It then dimmed and leaned on its side. “We caught Magikarp!” cried Leon “We really caught it!”

    Together they walked back through Viridian forest all the way to Viridian city knowing that generations would wonder how the frozen-in-time tornado ended up in the middle of a lake.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Pokémon attempted: Magikarp
    Characters Need: 3K - 5K
    Character Count (including spaces): 3,737
    Character Count (without spaces): 3,086
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Last edited by Thanatos; 16th September 2011 at 01:02 AM.

  2. #2
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Silenced Fury

    Claimed.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Silenced Fury

    Hi there and welcome to the URPG! I believe this is your first story, so take notes :P

    Intro/Plot/Characters: First off, the plot, the introduction, your character development, and all that good stuff: Your plot as a whole is pretty basic. You've got a kid and his Pokemon running around the woods, eating sandwiches, and then RAWR a wild Pokemon attacks! After the pair defeat it, they capture the Magikarp it left behind, and then head for the next town. There's nothing wrong with a plot like that for an Easiest or Simple Pokemon, but be sure that when you start hitting up the harder ranks you try something different. In any case, this is executed alright, and is perfectly fine for a Magikarp. Let me point out a couple small flaws though:

    How did a kid with one unevolved Pokemon defeat a Gyarados? It won't count against you too much for this story, but it's Fridge Logic and can hurt you when trying for Pokemon of higher ranks. Even with a double weakness to electric moves, a Gyarados would almost certainly be able to beat the crap out of a poor little Shinx.

    Next, you forgot to tell me what Leon and Bolt look like (I'll yell at you more for this later). This may seem trivial, but in the case of a human, that first bit of description can tell you about their personality. Is Leon running around the forest in a tux? That'd be not only odd, it'd also imply that either he's an upper class snob, not supposed to be in the forest, or completely insane. More likely, however, he's dressed in some shorts, a t-shirt, and tennis shoes, which tells us that he's a trainer on his journey. BUT. You can do even more with that. If his clothes are torn and dirty, he's probably been travelling longer. If his shoes are still squeaky clean, he's a greenhorn that's just left home. See how important that can be?

    Lastly, in the future, you should spend more time building a relationship between characters. Now I know that this is a Magikarp story and that that's not even close to being required, but at the same time, it's one of the fundamental building blocks of story telling. Entire stories have been told based on just what goes on in somebody's head, let alone a rich, realistic relationship between two people. Pokemon gives us a particularly interesting relationship to work with. If a Pokemon trusts a trainer who makes bad decisions, they could be badly injured. If a trainer captures a Pokemon that doesn't like them, they could be killed. Imagine the bonds they would have to form. Bonds that are almost spouse-like in their depth and magnitude. But yeah. I'm done rambling, now, just giving you things to think about XD

    Detail: Well I did tell you I'd yell at you here for not describing your main characters :P I think you sort of got the point of why you should describe Leon, but what about Bolt? Everyone knows what Shinx looks like, right? Right?! Well, if you think about it, there are now 649 Pokemon, and not every reader is as devoted to Pokemon as you and me. *elbownudge* Not everyone has a perfect picture of every Pokemon memorized, so a brief description can be quite helpful. Plus, Bolt might have a distinguishing mark that sets him apart. He could even be shiny (like the Gyarados). Speaking of which, your descriptions of Gyarados and Magikarp are pretty good, so kudos there.

    The forest itself could also use some fleshing out. You did pretty good, but this is a vast expanse of trees, stretching between two cities. It should have a bit more character. Also:

    In front of them a vast lake appeared
    Did the lake appear out of thin air or did they come up over a hill and see it? :P

    Anyways, I'm just being nitpicky now. You did alright, just need to expand on a few things a little more. ^_^

    Grammar: Righto, your grammar's looking pretty good, but you have a couple problems I'll point out here.

    He loved Viridian forest and everything in it. The lush greenery, the peaceful hum that seemed to never end, all of it.
    Nice description, but unfortunately, that second sentence is really a sentence fragment. "Sentence fragment?" you say, a look of worry on your face as you recall incredibly boring English classes from your youth. No need to fear, I'll break this down nice and easy for ya.

    First of all, there are two types of clauses: Independent and dependent clauses. A complete sentence is either an independent clause OR an independent clause with one or more dependent clauses attached to it.

    Example:

    Independent Clause: Alaska's bad at teaching things.

    Dependent Clause: And she scares me.

    See how that word 'and' turned it into a dependent clause? That's because it's a conjunction and makes it so it has to be attached to something else.

    Combined Independent and Dependent Clause: Alaska's bad at teaching things and she scares me.

    Ta dah! So here's what your original sentence should look like:

    He loved Viridian forest and everything in it: the lush greenery, the peaceful hum that seemed to never end, all of it.
    I didn't use a conjunction (since I wanted to keep it as close to what you originally had as possible), but instead, I used a colon, which is used for list type things like that.

    Next, this might be an accident, but I included it anyways:

    “Yum,” said Leon as he tore of some bread and stuffed it into his mouth “Nothin’ like good ol’ homemade jam sandwich, right Bolt?”
    You need a comma after the word 'mouth' to connect both of the times Leon is speaking. Sort of related to this is:

    “Shinx,” Together they stood up.
    Which is also incorrect. This has to do with something called dialogue tags. Dialogue tags are the little verb you sometimes see attached to the end of a piece of dialogue, for example: 'he said', 'she shouted', 'it screamed'. These are used to describe how something is said. They should always be connected to the dialogue by a comma (or if the situation calls for it, a question or exclamation mark) and they should NOT be capitalized. 'Together they stood up' isn't describing what Shinx said, so it should say:

    “Shinx.” Together they stood up.
    Also:

    Magikarp Dexter read in the distant past, it was somewhat stronger than the horribly weak descendants that exist today. These days all it does is Splash around.
    What Dexter is saying is dialogue, so it needs to be in quotation marks.

    Finally, whenever someone new starts speaking, the dialogue should get its own paragraph and not be connected to all the expository stuff. Other than that, everything looks pretty tidy. :D

    EDIT: Just noticed this, but:

    I’m hungry Bolt,
    You do this several times. When you're addressing someone or telling someone something, you need a comma after the word before their name. Okay that's it now xb

    Length: You've got 3.7k, which is enough. *_*

    Outcome: Magikarp... captured. You're not off to a bad start, kiddo, keep up the good work.

    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

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