Sight

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  1. #1
    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
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    Default Sight

    Sight saves us from evil. Sight protects us from the horrors the darkness brings. Sight comforts us and keeps our insanity at bay. But, without sight, we are plunged into the fear and the unknown...

    I was born prematurely. '7 months' the doctors said, 'it was a miracle I survived'. I didn't feel too lucky, however. I was born without eyes. I wasn't even granted half-formed eyes. Each socket was just a gaping abyss. However, despite common belief, I could see. I knew everything that was happening. I was not handicapped while my friend was there. My friend is not like others. He would never betray me. He would never leave me to wander around. Alone, scared...

    My hand rubbed against his green dish-like head. He purred with affection as I stroked his yellow scar that stretched from his cheek to his mouth. A wet tongue licke the palm of my hands, giving me reason to giggle. He nuzzled against my leg and I felt a joy of relief. What could I do without him?

    "Mom, Riley's taking me for a walk," I said.

    Ah, yes. That was the joke in my family. Instead of master taking dog for a walk, he took me on one. Although, I could probably find my way without him. I tried to be as independent as I could.

    "Okay, Jake. Just make sure you are back for dinner," my mother smiled. I didn't need to see her to know these things. "We'll be having she-"

    "No," I cut her across. My nose wrinkled as the smell reached it. "Shepards pie again," I moaned. "Come on, Riley, door." There was the familiar rushing sound as Riley brushed past my legs and to the front door. The creakinv sound of the knob turning informed me that the door had opened. I walked forward and out the front door. My right hand rose to my eyes and I placed a pair of sunglasses on me. The world didn't need to know that I was a freak.

    The sun baked down on us as we walked along the park. I could practically see the green pastures. I sighed and we kept walking. The ground beneath shifted from being the soft grass into tough, cracked pavements. Car horns blared as we reached the city centre. I stumbled a little on my laces. Riley shot forward to tie my shoe laces. He was always eager to help me.

    "No!" I snapped. "I can do it," I added, bending down. I fumbled at my laces for no more than a few seconds and I was shoved forwards roughly. My leg twisted awkwardly as I fell. My sunglasses fell off and smashed into hundreds of tiny shards. My nose bent upwards and I roared with pain. Blood spattered all o er my face. I could hear Riley yapping at someone in the background.

    "Shut up, you stupid mutt!" the man shouted at Riley. There was a whoosh of air as the man kicked at Riley. I could hear Riley whimpering.

    "What do you want?" I shouted. "Have you got nothing better to do than to pick on blind kids!" I shouted. "Get out of here!" The silence unnerved me a little and I could feel my confidence dwindling as the seconds passed.

    "I don't give a fuck what you say," the man spat. I shuddered as the cold hilt of a gun pressed against my neck. "If you want to live you shut that mutt up and you do what I say. Is that clear?" he sneered.

    "R-riley, stop it," I whimpered and Riley stopped barking immediately. "There, no can you please leave use be?"

    "No can do, sunshine. Now, I'll give you a chance, how about/ that? Now, how much money do you have!?" he demanded. I pulled out a few pennys from my coat pocket and held them out for the intimidating man. "Are you being serious?! That's hardly worth my while, is it? he roared. I gulped and my throat grew dry like sandpaper. "So, I'll give you exactly one day. At five o' clock tomorrow evening you are to meet me here, except, you are too bring me five hundred euro. Is that clear!?" I started to protect, but I shuddered as he adusted the nozzle. "I'm gonna follow you home kid. You're blind so you won't know if I do or don't. So, I will know where you live, and if I don't get that money it's game fucking over! What is it?" he shouted in my face.

    "Game over," I mouthed as I slumped to the floor. I could hear Riley whimper in the back of my mind as I fell unconscious. It was some time before I woke up. The moon was out and the night sky was pressing against my face. I hesitantly rose to my feet as I felt dread and worry take ahold of me. "Riley, are you there?" A mind-numbing silence ensued and I felt panic grip at my heart, silencing me. But, I heard a bark to my right and bent down to have a familiar head scrathing against my hands. "Come on, boy, we gotta get home or else mother will be worried sick. She'll think we were mugged or-" I stopped talking when I realised what had happened earlier. I took a deep breath before beginning the long trek home. Riley at my side.

    *-*

    "Hello... anybody home?" I called out, pushing the open door inwards and walking in. "Hello!?" I shouted. Silence. "Riley, I've got a bad feeling about this. Go ahead and make sure no one's here that shouldn't be." I commanded my loyal hound. Riley rushed forward, sniffing at everything. He returned in a flash, unable to detect a foreign scent. "No one else is here? Good... but where are Mum and Dad? It must be dreadfully late. Perhaps they went tosleep. Or,, maybe the thief broke into here and stilled all of our money and then killed Mum and Dad," I choked. Riley couldn't tell what was wrong with me so he rubbed his wet nose against my bare legs in order to try and comfort me. I dragged myself upstairs and as soon as my head hit the pillow, I fell sound asleep.

    *-*

    Something wrapped firmly around my neck and I fell out of bed, gasping for breath. The thing crushed my windpipe and I tried to scream as it constricted even more. "Please..." I croaked, trying to see my assailant. The room was dark, but I could make out a billowing serpentine creature before me, twisting an turning as it wrapped around my neck. I shoved my hands between the chord and my neck in an effort to rid myself of this creature. Success! The assailant retreated and I saw my hand reach out to grab it. My palms gripped the soft fabric and I pulled on it hard. There was a ripping sound and I froze as I realised what my attacker was. The torn curtain lay limply on the bedroom floor and I backed up, scared of the trouble I knew that I would be in. As I took a step back my foot caught on something hard and I fell to the ground. A dark creature leapt out of the shadows and on to me. I struggle as the beast attempted to pin me to the shaggy carpet.

    "No, get off of me!" I shouted as I kicked my feet out in the hopes of connecting with the opponent. I whacked the multi-limbed creature with my fists, but I struck something soft and padded. "Hold on a second," I started as I took in my surroundings. "You're just a chair and not a monster. I don't know what I was thinking. I gazed around the room, curiously taking in my surroundings when I noticed the room looked much smaller. Perhaps half of the size it was beforehand. That couldn't possibly be the size of my room, I mused. I blinked and when I opened my eyes once more, the room looked much smaller. Infact, my head brushed against the ceiling and the wals were just about twice the width of my body. I felt an odd sensation, almoat as though the walls were closing in on me. I stretched out a hand to feel some slight pressure building up from the other side. The room was closing in on me! My neck was shoved downwards, forcing me to duck and I could feel the walls scratching against my stomach. A terrifying moment later my body felt as though it was being squeezed through a really small hole and I saw the end approaching. "Help me! Somebody, help me out of here!" I frantically searched for the door but it had disappeared without a doubt. I felt one last painful squeeze before my body was crushed in my own room.

    My eyelids slipped open. Sweat dripping down my body and tearstains on my face. I was dreaming. It was just the usual night terrors I happened to get most nights. Although. There was one good thing about my night terrors... in my nightmares... I could see.

    *-*

    I was shaken roughly from my sleep. A relieved voice was shouting at me, but I couldn't make out what she was saying for some time. As I came to my senses I realised it was my own Mother.

    "... had us worried sick. I didn't know where you went. Promise me you will never run away from home again," my Mother pleaded, "promise me..."

    "Yes, I prom- wait- no, I didn't run away from home. I went out with Riley for a walk and.. we lost track of the time that's all."

    "Please don't lie to me. I've been out most of the night searching the streets for you. Was this some sort of attention stunt!?"

    "No, I swear it wasn't, Mother. We got really lost and were too shy to ask for directions. It won't ever happen again. I swear to you," I said solemnly.

    She pressed her hand on my shoulder and squeezed firmly. "Okay, I believe you." With that, she got up and left the room. Exhausted, I slumped back onto my pillow and started to brood. I was sick and tired of being picked on. It was about God damn time I Stood up for myself. Slowly, I got up to my feet and whistled. I could hear Riley's racing footsteps as he caught up with me, panting. I crept into my Mother's room, running my hands along the walls. My hand came to a picture frame and I knew I had to right spot. I pressed in on it and it opened up, revealing a makeshift safe. My hand grabbed some cash before yanking it back. I don't know how much I took. Was it enough? Too much?

    -*-

    Several hours later I arrived at the same spot as before. Despite being blind I could sense he was already there but pretended I couldn't see him. My hands were shaking uncontrollably as I advanced.

    "Hello there, little buddy," the man jeered. "I'm surprised you made it here alone... I was looking forward to visiting your lovely house," he said. The familiar sound of a baseball bat slapping off of a hand filled my ears and I shuddered. He grabbed a hold of me. "That's a good boy, now hand it over!" he shouted. My hand fumbled in my trouser pockets for a second. I was not going to take this crap. My hand came out of the pocket, knuckle clenched and I swung at him hitting his stomach. He doubled over, winded.

    Riley needed to protect his good friend. He leapt up at the mans face, sharp pointed teeth at the ready. I cringed as I heard the horrible ripping sound and the mans scream. "NO! MY EYES! WHAT DID YOU DO?!" he screeched falling to the floor. "I can't see. I can't see. Please, you have to help me," the thief begged, hands covering his face as crimson blood dripped onto the pavement. "You're dead, you little fucker," he threatened but I was oblivious to his threats. "Looks like my good old friend, Riley, just about evened the playing field. Now let's see you mess with me!" I spat, turning around and heading home. Riley wagged his tail in happiness as we started the long journey back home.

    Moral of the story is pick on someone your own size or you'll get your eyes ripped out ^^


    Last edited by Synthesis; 4th January 2011 at 08:47 AM.

  2. #2
    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sight

    Pokemon for capture:

    Length: 11k
    Req length: 10-20k

    Ready for grade. A fun little story to write :D

  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sight

    To claim or not to claim? That is the question. The answer is:

    Claimed.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  4. #4
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sight

    Intro:

    Sight saves us from evil. Sight protects us from the horrors the darkness brings. Sight comforts us and keeps our insanity at bay. But, without sight, we are plunged into the fear and the unknown...
    Starting the story out with a quote (either real or fictional) is one of my favorite ways to start a story. It sets the theme and helps give the reader an idea of what they're in for. From this the reader can tell you're probably writing some kind of horror story. It also makes the reader wonder what you have in store and pulls them in. Very nice.

    Plot: Yay. Revenge driven violence plot! Me like. A little blind kid uses his other senses to find his way around along with his guide-Electrike. He gets held up at gun point while on a walk, goes home, gets the money the guy demands, and the next day has his Electrike rip out the guys' eyes. [I]Yes.[I] This is like, if Daredevil was a much, much better movie, and he had a little green dog that could shoot electricity out of its ass. Um. Anyways, a couple weird plot problems. Seeing as Electrike IS an electric Pokemon, why didn't it just fry the dude while his gun was pointed away from Jake? Is it because he's low level and doesn't know any? You should at least put some kind of explanation in there....Also, it's never clear exactly how much Jake can see/sense/whatever. It's a bit vague, but this is a short story, so I'll let it go.

    Dialogue: Nothing much to say here. It worked, didn't mess with the rest of the story, etc.

    Grammar:

    '7 months' the doctors said, 'it was a miracle I survived'
    Comma after 'months'

    "Okay, Jake. Just make sure you are back for dinner," my mother smiled.
    You can't use 'smiled' as a dialogue tag, because you can't smile dialogue. So it should be like this:

    "Okay, Jake. Just make sure you are back for dinner." My mother smiled.
    "Riley, I've got a bad feeling about this. Go ahead and make sure no one's here that shouldn't be." I commanded my loyal hound.
    Now you need a comma, because 'commanded' IS a dialogue tag.

    Although. There was one good thing about my night terrors
    That period should be a comma.

    Most of the grammatical problems in your story were typos. I mentioned on AIM to you that this is probably because you use your ipod to type up all your stories. >> Just read through your story a couple times before posting them in the future.

    Detail: Seeing as this story is about a kid who couldn't see anything, you had a fair amount of detail. You described everything he heard and more importantly, felt. Touch is one of the senses that is left out a lot in stories, so it's nice to see you included that. Try to carry that over to your other stories when possible.

    Length: You needed 10k and you had roughly 11k, so you're fine.

    Reality: Nothing terribly unrealistic. Only that the real definition of night terrors is slightly different. People who have night terrors don't remember them. They only know they had them, because they wake up and are pumped full of adrenaline, or other family members notice them screaming during the night.

    Personal Feelings: I enjoyed your story, thought you had a cool, creative idea, and didn't spot too many problems with it, so....

    Outcome: Electrike....captured.

    Have fun with your new Pokemon!

    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

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