A Shocking Day(grader dropped;need grader)

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    Registered User Tris79's Avatar
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    Default A Shocking Day(grader dropped;need grader)

    A Shocking Day

    Pokémon being captured: Shinx.
    Required amount of characters: 5k - 10k.
    Actual amount of characters: 5,299.

    It was an ordinary day when Tristan heard a loud screech .He thought "Maybe I can help whatever this is?"He started to run where he heard the screech. When he got there, he was surprised. There was a tribe of Shinx, and their leader a Luxio that the tip of its ear was gone and had unusual red eyes, was beating on a smaller Shinx."Go FlamePig!" he said as he threw the pokéball releasing his Tepig."Now Flame Charge! ,"he said as his Tepig started to cloak itself with flames and started to run toward several Shinx. As Tepig hit some of the Shinx, the Shinx that was getting beat on got up and started to hit some of the Shinx."Now FlamePig, Roar!", as his Tepig gave a very loud roar. Because of that, all the Shinx ran away except the one that was being beaten on, and Luxio. And then, the Shinx started to use Thunder Fang on Luxio. Tristan thought for a moment then said "Flare Blitz," he yelled. He knew Tepig was going to take some damage, but it was enough to overthrow Luxio. Tepig started to hit the Luxio with a fiery attack, but the Luxio ran away.

    After, we defeated Luxio, the Shinx started to run away, but I started to give chase. A few moments later, we found the Luxio, but it had evolved into Luxray. We knew because the tip of its ear is gone and still had red eyes. It started to attack with Thunder Fang, but I then said “Dodge it, and then use Heat Crash.” As his Tepig jumped up and started to cover its body with flame and then started to slam into Luxray. Then the Shinx started to hit the Luxray with Tackle. Then suddenly a big rock flies and crushes Luxray. Tristan looked for who threw the rock, and he then saw a Steelix had helped him by throwing the rock. Then, Tristan noticed something on his face, and he saw the tip of Luxray’s other ear on his face. He quickly threw it off of his face, and he saw that the Luxray and the Shinx were gone, but he did see Shinx tracks, so he decided to follow them.

    When he finally caught up with him, there was a tribe of Snivy and their leader, a Servine with also red eyes, that started to hit the Shinx. He then said “FlamePig, Use Rollout and Flame Charge together!” as his Tepig started to turn into a ball and then cloak itself in flames and then started to roll toward all the Snivy. When she was done, the Servine was getting shocked by the Shinx, and then it ran away.

    Then the Shinx started to follow it, so he decided to follow it, but he was the blinded by a huge flash. He quickly rubbed his eyes and started to run toward where he saw the light. He then saw the Shinx encountering the Servine, but the Servine just evolved into a Serperior. I knew they would start to fight, so I ran be in the battle.”FlamePig, Use Heat Crash on Serperior” he said. Then, his Tepig started to cover its body with flame and then started to slam into Serperior. The Serperior quickly dodged and then started to use Leaf Tornado. Tristan thought “If he takes another hit, he could be done for."He then came up with an idea."FlamePig, run up to the tornado and jump on top of it and use Flamethrower!"he said. The Tepig ran and jumped as hard as she could and then flames busted out of her mouth and hit the Serperior. She then came down only to see that she had defeated his substitute. The real Serperior was fighting the Shinx."Now let's finish it, Flame Charge!"Then his Tepig started to cloak itself with flames and started to run toward the Serperior. It was done, but then before she could hit the Serperior, it ran away.

    We followed it and then saw that an Alakazam was controlling the Luxray and Serperior, so we started to fight it."FlamePig, use Heat Crash,” he said. Then, his Tepig started to cover its body with flame and then started to slam into Alakazam. Alakazam hit back with Psycho Cut. It almost defeated Tepig, but she held on."Now Flamethrower!” he said. Then a blast of flames went flying out of her mouth, but the Alakazam was not finished yet."Give up now, or be hurt very bad!"the Alakazam said using telepathy."Now, Take Down,” but the move wasn't finished because a giant rock was thrown at Alakazam, but it was lifted by Alakazam, but he fell to the ground cause the rock took all of his power. Then a voice said” Alakazam! Great work Steelix!” “Are you this Pokémon’s trainer?”Tristan said. The mysterious trainer said “Yes, he’s mine. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Joey.” “My name is Tristan and this is FlamePig.” He said.”Tepig!” she said cheerfully. “Why was Alakazam attacking me,” Tristan asked. “Alakazam and I got into a fight and then he left to attack trainers who had young or small Pokémon. I’ve been trying to find him for months now. Now Alakazam, say you’re sorry.” “I’m sorry Tristan, I thought you were torturing the Tepig.” “Only a few trainers torture Pokémon. I forgive you.” “See ya later.” said Joey.

    “Now there is one battle left, Shinx battle me!” The Shinx agreed. They then went to a battlefield. “Now FlamePig, Take Down,” as FlamePig rushed to hit the Shinx, he quickly counterattacked with Thunder Fang. “Now, Flame Charge” he said, as his Tepig started to cloak itself with flames and started to run toward Shinx. He then tried to hit with Thunderbolt, but FlamePig quickly dodged and used Heat Crash. As the blazing attack hit, “Great, now Head Smash,” he said. Then, the Tepig smashed her head into Shinx, but Shinx came back with a Thunder Fang Attack. It hit and Tristan knew that two more attacks would finish her. Tristan thought quickly of what he could do. “Now, Rollout,” he said as his Tepig turned into a ball and started to roll quickly toward Shinx. Shinx tried to hit with Thunderbolt again, but Tepig was rolling too fast. It hit directly. The Shinx quickly attacked with Thunder Fang. “Dodge it, and use Flame Charge” he said, as his Tepig started to cloak itself with flames and started to run toward Shinx. The Shinx counterattacked with Thunder Fang. The attacks collided and Tristan was almost thrown to the ground, but FlamePig and Shinx weren’t done yet. The Shinx tried Thunderbolt, but FlamePig quickly dodged. “Now use Heat Crash,” he said. Then his Tepig started to cover its body with flame and then started to slam into Shinx. It hit perfectly. “Now, Flare Blitz!” The attack almost finished both of them. “Go Pokéball!” as he threw the pokeball at Shinx. As the pokeball hit, he thought “I need to capture Shinx.” When he heard the click of the pokéball, he celebrated because he captured Shinx.
    Last edited by Tris79; 22nd March 2012 at 09:40 PM.
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  2. #2
    no Tyranitex's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Shocking Day

    BAAAAAM!!!
    claimed

  3. #3
    Registered User Tris79's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Shocking Day(grader dropped;need grader)

    Grader dropped due to inactivity.Its been three months.
    Candy Mafia...JOIN NOW!!!

    I have claimed my favorite Pokemon,Shinx!! Also Silver and Blaze!

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    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Shocking Day(grader dropped;need grader)

    Fine.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



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    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Shocking Day(grader dropped;need grader)

    Introduction/Plot

    There are many effective ways to start a story, but the goal of an introduction is to get the reader interested in what you are writing. You chose to start this battle off with a fight scene. I consider this a good spot because the reader is now reading about one of the more exciting elements, action. There is a reason action movies and books are popular, it’s because they are exciting. So congrats on starting off with on a positive note.

    Now, when starting a story with a battle scene there are two issues that can often arise. One of them is making the battle exciting, otherwise you’ll bore the reader and they’ll stop reading. The other problem is that is sets the tone of a story. Battles are hgih strung and usually fast paced affairs. That means if you start with a battle and then there isn’t a single one for the rest of the story you’ll leave the reader wondering what happened. Fortunately for you this was essential three long battles (we’ll talk about this soon).

    Now that the introduction is out of the way we can focus on the plot. Your plot is very simple: boy in woods hear noise, finds a Pokemon battle, fights, gives chase and the process repeats. This is bad. Having the boy enters woods and finds Pokemon isn’t a bad method for capturing a Pokemon of this rank, the problem is that you have three different battles in a very short amount of time using only one Pokemon. There is nothing exciting because you have the same thing happening thrice, only with different Pokemon. To be honest, you could have only had one battle and still thrown the elements of the Steelix, Alakazam, and trainer into the mix. By adding the battles with the wild tribe Pokemon you didn’t really accomplish much, except filler.

    Here’s a diagram of your story:

    Hears disturbance > fIghts alongside Shinx against Luxio > fights Luxray > fights alongside Shinx against Servine > fights Serperior > fights Alakazam > fights Shinx.

    As you can see above it’s pretty much the same thing over and over again. For future stories never do this, it’s boring.

    Beyond that the next problem is that of realism. This may be a Pokemon site and Pokemon aren’t real, but you have to follow the basic laws of Pokemon. What I mean by this is that Pokemon can’t speak human language unless a reason is provided, they can’t use attacks they don’t learn, and a Pokemon can’t face all those Pokemon that closely grouped without getting healed. It’s not possible, even a fully evolved Pokemon would have problems with it.

    This leads me to my next point, godmodding. Godmodding is where you act as if your Pokemon is God. All your attacks hit and do more damage, while the enemy Pokemon sucks. That isn’t fair. When doing a battle scene it must be fair between the two Pokemon. Your Pokemon winning is fine, but don’t make an unfair fight, put yourself in the shoes of the wild Pokemon. This makes a more exciting fight, godmodding just makes it boring and very bully-ish.

    Let’s use the battle between Tepig and Luxio as an example of what godmodding is. During the battle Tepig used a total of three attacks, the SHinx used one, and the Luxio uses zero. As I pointed out this is very bad. A rule of thumb is that all Pokemon pretty much are allowed the same number of attacks. Just remember this for future stories.

    Okay, I noticed on numerous occasions that your character often switched from first-person to third-person. This is a no-no, you pick one and stick with it for the duration of the story.

    It started to attack with Thunder Fang, but I then said “Dodge it, and then use Heat Crash.” As his Tepig jumped up and started to cover its body with flame and then started to slam into Luxray.
    This is a prime example of what I mean. Here you say ‘I’, but go on to say ‘his’ when it should be I because of the first person point of view. So in the future pick only one style and use it for the story.


    Grammar

    This was a mad house of errors, many of which were consistently wrong. I have an example of every type of mistake you made during the story. Take heart though, there is a lot of them, but they are all easily fixed through knowledge and a read-over.

    It was an ordinary day when Tristan heard a loud screech .He thought "Maybe I can help whatever this is?"He started to run where he heard the screech.
    In these very first sentences you make a plethora of errors. The good thing is that they are all similar and can be solved with a little work.

    It was an ordinary day when Tristan heard a loud screech[.] He thought[,] "Maybe I can help whatever this is?"[ ]He started to run where he heard the screech.
    This is the grammatically correct version of the sentence. You had a couple spacing errors and a comma error. The spacing could have been fixed with a simple read-over, something every author should do. As for the comma, you need it because you are using thought, even if it isn’t outspoken. Also, using the word ‘where’ above makes the latter sentence confusing. I know what you are trying to say, but your execution of it is off. Simply solve this problem by exchanging the words. You can switch to:
    He started to run to the spot where the sound originated from.
    There was a tribe of Shinx, and their leader a Luxio that the tip of its ear was gone and had unusual red eyes, was beating on a smaller Shinx.
    Okay, this sentence is also confusion because of a combination of things. One, you used the comma incorrectly, secondly, because you are clearly missing some words or you need to rewrite the sentence. The sentence should resemble something along this lines:

    There was a tribe of Shinx there, and their leader, a Luxio with a section of its ear gone and red eyes, was beating on a smaller Shinx.
    By using the commas I’ve separated the essential information from that of the extra, the detail of the Shinx. Because the detail of the Shinx has no bearing on the sentence, it must be enclosed with commas.

    "Go FlamePig!" he said as he threw the [p]okéball releasing his Tepig.
    Here, you need to capitalize the word Pokeball. When referring to all things Pokemon, this includes Pokemart, Pokemon attacks, and Pokemon, they all must be capitalized.

    "Now Flame Charge! ,"he said as his Tepig started to cloak itself with flames and started to run toward several Shinx.
    In this sentence both the spacing and the comma spacing is off.

    "Now Flame Charge!" he said as his Tepig started to cloak itself with flames and started to run toward several Shinx.
    As you see I’ve eleminated the space and the comma. The comma was not needed because you have the exclamation point. You do this more than one occasion, this is not correct.

    "Now[,] FlamePig, Roar!"
    You need a comma here because you are addressing the Tepig, therefore the name most be surrounded by commas.

    Because of that, all the Shinx ran away[,] except the one that was being beaten on, and Luxio.
    Same thing as I pointed out, the information isn’t essential to the sentence so you need to surround it with commas.

    And then, the Shinx started to use Thunder Fang on Luxio.
    Okay, never start a sentence with the word ‘and’. It’s incorrect, and in this case, entirely not needed. You could have simply used the word ‘then’ and all would have been good.

    Tristan thought for a moment then said[,] "Flare Blitz," he yelled.
    This will the last time I show you this mistake, there must be a comma here because said is a dialogue tag and the words are coming after it.

    Then suddenly a big rock flies and crushes Luxray.
    Okay, this sentence was weird. Let me explain why. First off, you don’t need the word ‘then’ here, just using ‘suddenly’ would suffice. Secondly, because of your wording the rock is flying. Rocks can’t fly. What you mean to say it that the rock went flying through the air. So try something along these lines:

    Suddenly a large rock came flying out of nowhere to hit and crush the Luxray beneath its bulk.
    Okay, besides all the stuff written above you have a big problem of paragraphing, you have none. In order to make the story readable you need paragraphs to separate the story.

    “Are you this Pokémon’s trainer?”Tristan said. The mysterious trainer said “Yes, he’s mine. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Joey.” “My name is Tristan and this is FlamePig.”
    Take this comglomerate for example. It is wrong, it needs to be broken up to signal that a different person is talking.

    “Are you this Pokémon’s trainer?” Tristan said.

    The mysterious trainer said, “Yes, he’s mine. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Joey.”

    “My name is Tristan, and this is FlamePig.”
    Besides the spacing I added a few commas to fix your errors. The way you had it is bulky and difficult to read. But if the spacing is added it is clear who is speaking to whom.

    After you get the spacing between dialogue down, you need to learn how to space your other paragraphs also. When separating paragraphs you should follow one basic rule: when switching the main idea or thesis, you should start a new paragraph.

    When he finally caught up with him, there was a tribe of Snivy and their leader, a Servine with also red eyes, that started to hit the Shinx. He then said “FlamePig, Use Rollout and Flame Charge together!” as his Tepig started to turn into a ball and then cloak itself in flames and then started to roll toward all the Snivy. When she was done, the Servine was getting shocked by the Shinx, and then it ran away.
    Here’s what you had above. Now I’ll show you what it should resemble with proper spacing.

    When he finally caught up with him, there was a tribe of Snivy and their leader, a Servine with also red eyes, that started to hit the Shinx.

    He then said, “FlamePig, Use Rollout and Flame Charge together!”

    As his Tepig started to turn into a ball and then cloak itself in flames and then started to roll toward all the Snivy. When she was done, the Servine was getting shocked by the Shinx, and then it ran away.

    Description

    You had the buildings blocks for the basic elements of description, but you still need some work for them to be proper. Because this is early in your writing career I’m going to introduce to the things you want to have at the very least in terms of detail.

    First up in your lesson is character description. Well, you have none. In your story there was a total of two human characters that you could have described, but for now we’ll concentrate on the main character. Because you had nothing on him I can’t build upon what you had. Therefore, I will give an example of some simple character detail.

    The young man swiped a stray piece of his sandy-blond hair away from his. Once the errant hair was tucked away one could see the shine of intelligence in his cystal-blue eyes. Since it was a hot day outside he had dressed his whip thin body in a simple white t-shirt and tan shorts.
    There is a simply character detail. You can add more advanced detail as you gain more experience and get a feel for it, but for now just have the basics done.

    Secondly, Pokemon description. Just as before you had zero in this section, except for the red eyes bit. When writing about the Pokemon it’s always a good thing to have at least a sentence or two about what a Pokemon looks like. This is for a few reasons, such as a reader may not remember or know what a certain Pokemon looks like, and because you many want to have something different on the Pokemon (like your red eyes).

    The example I’m going to use here is that for the Alakazam:

    As we followed the fleeing Shinx we ran into an Alakazam. Alakazam were a golden humaniod Pokemon. I was a bipedal Pokemon with brown patches on its chest, arms, and thighs that acted like an armor of sorts. Clutched in its grasp was a pair of silver spoons, which it used as aids in its Psychic attacks.
    The final part I want you to work on is that of Pokemon attacks. Unlike the last two parts you had some here:

    Tepig started to cloak itself with flames and started to run toward several Shinx.
    This is how you described your Flame Charge attack. Basic detail here, so good job. As your writing experience expands you learn other way to add to it or tweak it a little, but for a Pokemon of this and up to the rank fo medium it’s fine.

    However, what you need to work on is doing this for all your attacks. Only a few of your Fire attacks had some detail, when in fact, all of your battle moves should have something about them. The idea behind this is that you show the reader what happens, not tell them.

    Overall for detail, you have some work to do, but I feel that you’ll be fine here. Just take it one step at a time and remember what I pointed out. Do that and you’ll be that much a better writer.

    Length

    You met the length requirement, nicely done.

    Conclusion

    Not Captured. I’m going to not captured because before I give you the Pokemon I want you to fix some basic grammar things. If you want the Pokemon I would ask that you fix the spacing errors and add some detail about the main character. Do that, ask for a regrade, and you can have the Pokemon.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



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