The Shellos Crew (NWC)

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    Default The Shellos Crew (NWC)

    Notes: This storyline is set 40 years after Diamond and Pearl. The character in this story known as Paul has no relation to animé Paul. I'm not sure about age limits on this story, but to be on the safe side, don't read if you are under 12. I don't own any of the Pokémon or locations in this story, but most of the characters are mine. This is my NWC entry.

    Pokémon intended: Shellos (East Sea Form)
    Category: Simple 5-10k characters
    Actual length: About 30k


    The Shellos Crew
    by TGT


    ~Prologue~
    30 years earlier

    It was late afternoon in the Sinnoh region. Two boys were playing in a beautiful meadow which sat between Hearthome city and Mount Coronet. The meadow was surrounded by trees and next to a flowing river. Warm beams of sunlight shone down, and the entire area was bathed in a warm golden glow.

    The names of the playing boys were Keith and Paul. They were 8 year old fraternal twins, but although not identical, they did share some common features (fluffy black hair, long pointy nose) which they inherited from their parents. Right now, the two boys were filled with excitement, as there father had given them their very first pokémon. They had no idea what pokémon they were getting, as their father had told the boys not to open the pokéballs until they had reach the meadow, which was his idea of dramatic tension. After playing a few of their favourite games in the long grass, the boys could wait no longer, so they went over to the two pokéballs sitting on Keith’s gray jumper and picked one each at random. In unison, they tossed the pokéballs into the air. There were two identical flashes of white light and in the blink of an eye, the young boys were faced with two pokémon. An west sea Shellos for Keith, and a east sea Shellos for Paul. They stared in silence at their pokémon for about 2 minutes, before Keith said:

    “Mine is better than yours.”

    That was the one single, powerful sentence that would spark a rivalry between the two boys which would one day evolve into a full scale crime war.


    Chapter One



    Sinnoh has fallen into despair. It has been one year since the economy crashed and the government fell, and since that time, the region has been ruled by crime bosses, who have the food to stay alive and weapons to keep the ordinary citizens inline. Support from the other countries of the world came at first, but now they have all closed their borders, and only the crime lords smuggling operations keep food on the tables. The food is smuggled in vast amount from the still fertile Hoenn.

    Obviously, the criminals have enough food for themselves but they are willing to trade food with the people who haven’t already starved to death, because there is something they want that the common people have. Pokémon. Of course, the criminals already have pokémon, but not enough. In this world, the three things that still had any value were weapons, food and pokémon. Money is worthless. Pokémon are much rarer now, due to an influx of new trainers and the 2 year war between Sinnoh and the Dusk Archipelago. Due to the near extinction of many species of pokémon, they have become far more valuable. For the criminals, Pokémon means power. For the normal people one rare pokémon means that you could eat for a week, maybe even two. Although, some pokémon are prized in particular by crime lords for their power, beauty and other personal reasons. These pokémon are normally made the mascots of the crime syndicates.

    Oreburgh city was reduced to about one 20th of its original population, and ownership was split between two rival criminal gangs. One was called the West Shellos Crew, they were cruel and ruthless, and ruled over the west side of the city, and the other was the West Shellos Crew, who owned the west side. The ESC was generally nicer than the WSC, and they tried to make the world a slightly better place to live in for everyone except their sworn enemies: the WSC.

    Obviously, each member of the WSC have at least one east sea Shellos and each member of the ESC had at least one west sea Shellos. But only the leader of the gang was aloud to evolve their Shellos to Gastrodon.

    People weren’t often accepted into either of the gangs, but sometimes were, and today was one of those days.

    It was a grey day, and the air was close. The sort of day that could be expected to break out into a full scale storm at any moment.

    A 15 year old boy by the name of Oliver Argenta Atam was sitting at the top of a three story half destroyed residential tower block, gazing out over the ruined city. He had pure red hair which was badly cut short and ocean grey eyes. He wore a dark purple jumper and black jeans that were tattered and covered in various stains (mud, blood, grass ect) he also had on a pair of brown shoes which looked like they were about to fall apart.

    “Oli!” A voice rang out from behind. It was Jake, a man in his mid fifties wearing a moth eaten green trench coat and a brown cap covering his shaved head. He lived on the same floor as Oliver, and talked to him often. “Have you decided what you’re going to do yet?” Jake was referring to the fact that Oliver was the only tower dweller with a pokémon left, and food was running low.

    “Decided?” Oliver asked coldly “How can I give up the Pokemon that my dad gave me before he died?!” he turned away from Jake, facing the city again. “How can I give up my best friends that I’ve had for 10 years?!” Jake wanted to interrupt, but knew it was better not to. “But then… How can I let a whole building full of people die just because I was too selfish to give my friends to the East Shellos Crew?!”

    “Well, you better decide quick, the enforcers are already here.”

    “WHAAAAAT!!!” Oliver practically screamed.

    “CALM DOWN DAMMIT!” Jake roared. “THAT WON’T HELP ANYTHING!!!”

    “Fine. I guess we just have to go and face them.” Oliver said, trying to keep a straight face. “What else can we do?” He stood up and walked down the cracked stone stairs onto the third floor. The third floor was one large room, with small “walls” made from rubble. People’s possessions were scattered about the room on rough thin blankets and propped up in corners.
    The rooms inhabitants were people from all tracks of life, lawyers, farmers, trainers, doctors… They were all the same when everything was stripped from them.

    “You!” He barked at Oliver. “Get in line with the rest of them!” Oliver hurried to obey, taking a place at the end of the line of people.

    “Today, we’re doing something a little different.” The chief enforcer said. “Anyone here with Pokemon is getting recruited to the ESC.”

    “But only Oliver has pokémon at the moment!” an old woman screeched.

    “Then only Oliver is getting picked.” The enforcer growled, straightening his black skull cap. “Which one is he?”

    “That… Is me.” Oliver said, stepping forward. He felt a sudden rush of hope. If he became a criminal with the ESC, he would get regular food, clean water and a BED. He smiled at the thought as he remembered what it was like to sleep on a mattress… with a PILLOW
    “I’m in!” he shouted.

    “Good. The boss likes enthusiasm. Now come with us.” the enforcer walked down the stairs, and was quickly followed by Oliver and the other three enforcers. They came out onto the street, which was cracked and even completely gone in some places. Ruined buildings lined the edges of the street, and rotting corpses could even be seen dotted around, as people often ran out of ways to eat and drink. Oliver felt a sudden stab of guilt when he noticed a starved young man lying dead not far away. He glanced back up at his home. Was he leaving his friends, the only ones who had cared for him since this whole nightmare began, to the same fate as the rotting body not twenty feet away?

    “Get you head out of the clouds and start walking!” The rough voice of the chief enforcer jolted him from his thoughts. Without a word to his possible new “employer,” Oliver set off down the road, following the lead of the ESC man in front of him.

    After a 15 minute walk though Oreburgh, the small band arrived at the old Oreburgh pokémon gym, which was the H.Q. of the ESC. All the dirt that was in there during Roark’s time as leader had been dug out, and extensive passages had been made under the foundations. Oliver was bundled into the gym in the rough hands of one of the enforcers, and the next two minutes were a blur of people, east sea Shellos, and underground passages.
    Before he knew it, he was standing a flimsy room under the gym lit by a flickering gas lamp. The room had little furniture save a battered desk and an equally battered swivel chair which was turned away from the approaching group.
    Hearing their arrival, the man in the chair spun around. He had short fluffy black hair, bright green eyes which were only just visible over a pair of round glasses with purple tinted lenses and a long pointed nose. The man was wearing a black suit with rips in the elbows, and his feet (which were now up on the desk) were shoeless and covered in cuts and mud.

    “The new recruit, I presume.” The man spoke.

    “As requested. Sir.” The lead muscleman answered.

    “Good. Now get your ugly face out of my vision before I blow your head off.” He said, brandishing a pistol. The enforcer squeaked slightly and left the room in a hurry. “Now kid, I don’t have time for this, but tell me just a little about yourself.”

    Oliver straightened up and began to speak. “I was born in the Johto region. I lived there until I was five. Then my father died. He… was killed… along with three of his pokémon. The other three he managed to pass on to me before… Before it happened. Then I moved to Sinnoh with my mother and sister… We lived happily for ten years until the government fell. My mother was killed in a riot and my sister went missing. And then I liv-”

    “WHOA THERE!” The chief yelled. “Did I ask for you official biography, kid?”

    Oliver, who was looking sad and reminiscent now, jumped about a foot in the air when the chief shouted at him, and then looked very angry.

    “HEY! I WAS POURING MY HEART OUT TO A COMPLETE STRANGER JUST AS MEANS OF GETTING A DECENT JOB!!!”

    “DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO OUT SHOUT ME!!!” The man roared



    Oliver admitted defeat. In that area.

    “Fine.” he said. “But now I’ve given you my life story, it seems like you should give me yours in return.”

    “Mine?” The chief sigh, brushing his fringe with his left hand. “There is nothing to tell.”

    “Fine.” Said Oliver. “But at least tell me your name.”

    “My name would be Paul.” Paul replied.

    “D-do I get the job?” Oliver asked.

    “GET?” Paul shouted. “You don’t just “get” a job like this.” He brushed his fringe again. “First, you must complete one test….”

    “What a rip.” Oliver muttered angrily.“WHAT DID YOU SAY!?”

    “Nothing… Sir.”


    Chapter Two



    Oliver stood in the street outside the ex-Oreburgh Gym. Paul was facing him at the other end of the street, with a curious look in his eyes. Other members of the ESC were hanging around, apparently with the intention of watching.

    “Are you going to tell me the nature of my first test?” Oliver asked, glaring at Paul, still slightly angry. Paul made no move to inform Oliver of anything, but a girl of around thirteen wearing the rough blue uniform of the ESC stepped forward from the crowd and began reading from a card.

    “The first challenge.” She said nervously. “The rules of the test are simple. Win a pokémon battle against the group leader to pass. It shall be a single battle, and you will use two pokémon each. Let the battle begin.”

    Oliver smiled outwardly. Battling was most certainly his area. He had never shown much interest in leagues and gyms, but neither had his father, and that never stopped him owning all the trainers he happened to meet, which Oliver had also done as soon as he was old enough to battle.

    “Pokémon may now be sent.” Said the oily voice of the tall thin man who was serving as referee.

    Oliver raised his Pokéball .

    “Sneasel, go!” There was a blaze of white light from the centre of the ball, and Oliver’s Sneasel appeared in front of him. The ice/dark pokémon had been with his Oliver for 10 years, and Oliver’s dad for much longer, so it was now a very powerful pokémon.

    “Lets begin.” Paul responded. He launched his Pokéball high in the air, and a Hitmonlee erupted from the interior.
    The brown kicking pokémon flexed its leg muscles, ready for combat.

    “Start.” the ref called.

    “Hitmonlee! Use Meditate!” Paul had ordered the command before the ref had even finished speaking. His Hitmonlee crossed its legs and began sitting on the ground with its eyes closed in a tight focus.

    “Use Fury Swipes!” Oliver’s Sneasel leapt though the air, ran down to the Hitmonlee and slashed it once the face. Then it vaulted over one of Hitmonlee’s weak arms, slashing it on the back in the process.

    “Rolling Kick!” Paul commanded. The Hitmonlee whirled around on one foot, and kicked Sneasel at just the right angle, which sent him spinning through the air. He hit the floor, and skidded a little way.

    Sneasel leapt up, and spun on the spot to face his opponent, but Paul had already ordered a Blaze Kick. Hitmonlee’s foot glowed red, and its leg stretched out and delivered it perfectly into Sneasel’s chest. A large amount of flames erupted from the point of impact, and Sneasel was knocked flat on its back once again.

    “END IT WITH HI JUMP KICK!” Paul roared.

    “USE ICE BEAM” Oliver screamed. Hitmonlee sprang high into the air above the near fainted Sneasel, but before it could deliver its finishing attack, the oval on Sneasel’s face glowed white, and a thin, concentrated beam of ice shot from it and hit Hitmonlee. The kicking Pokémon was thrown off course and crashed into the ground. But in a flash, it was up and running towards Sneasel.

    “Mega Kick!” Paul told it. It slammed its foot into the side of its opponent’s head, causing instant K.O.

    “We’re not done yet!” Oliver said, grimacing. He held out two Pokéballs and pointed one at the unconscious Sneasel and one into the air. More light jets, one red and one white, as Sneasel was recalled and Crobat released. Crobat was Oliver’s only other pokémon, having inherited it from his dad at the same time he got Sneasel.

    “Croooo” The purple bat pokémon screeched. It was as ready to fight as it always was. Oliver sometimes felt that the fiery battling spirit of his father lived on through his two remaining pokémon.

    “Begin with Air Slash.” Oliver said. His eyes were shining with blazing passion for victory, but his voice was extremely cold.

    “Double Team!” Paul said, trying to return the coldness of Oliver’s tone. Hitmonlee split into eight identical copies of itself, surrounding the Crobat. The purple pokémon folded its wings. Then it opened the swiftly, sending a wave of glowing white wind at one of the Hitmonlee. The attack merely passed though the illusion and almost hit some of the watching ESC members.

    “It’s confused,” Paul yelled. “Use Mega Kick!”

    “Protect.” Oliver countered, not even looking up. Hitmonlee leapt into the air, as a translucent green bubble formed around Crobat. The brown kicking pokémon slammed its foot against the bubble, but was repelled back to the ground. “HYPER BEAM!!!” Oliver shouted. The shield faded and a rainbow beam quickly formed a Crobat’s mouth and shot at Hitmonlee. It hit the long legged pokémon right between the eyes, knocking it out for the count.

    “Hitmonlee! Come back!” Paul said, his face showing no emotion. “Go Gastrodon!”
    The blue and green sea slug exploded from its ball in a blast of white light. “Use Brine!” Gastrodon shot a powerful blast of water from its mouth right at Crobat.

    “Agility.” Oliver commanded. Crobat disappeared and reappeared behind the Gastrodon. “Now use Zen Headbutt!”

    “Muddy Water!” Paul countered. Gastrodon began to rotate on the spot, firing spiralling brown water from its body. Crobat took a direct hit, and keeled over backwards, failing to execute its attack.

    “Use Supersonic!” A blue circle flew from Crobat’s mouth, which grew in size before it hit Gastrodon. The sea slug had a dazed look in its eyes, and instead of performing the next command (“Use Surf!”) it used Brine on the referee. The unfortunate ref/criminal flew backwards and hit the wall of the gym.

    “Now it’s time for a Cross Poison!” Crobat flew over to the befuddled Gastrodon and crossed its lower, less developed wings. They began to glow purple, and it uncrossed them, slashing Gastrodon at the same time. The sea slug pokémon knew it was losing, so it acted with command by using Giga Impact. Unfortunately for it, Oliver and Crobat were ready.

    “Protect.” The green bubble shield formed once again, and Gastrodon’s bounced right off. “Now end it.” Said Oliver. His voice was so cold it could have frozen Gastrodon right there. “Use Giga Drain.” Crobat and its opponent glowed green, and a beam of light connected them both. It was over for Gastrodon and its criminal master. Oliver caught sight of Paul storming away, and then ran to hug his faithful Crobat.


    Chapter Three



    It was one hour after the battle, and it wad raining now. Oliver was standing outside of what used to be the Oreburgh coal mine. The mine had been shut down years ago, after the coal ran out. Now it had been declared dangerous, but that didn’t stop anyone going down there. With Oliver were three bulky enforcers, and the young girl who had read the rules for the Paul vs. Oliver battle. While one of the enforcers was kicking the wooden boards that stopped idiots from getting themselves killed, the girl took out another battered card and
    threw it to the floor.

    “Never mind all that card rubbish. The gist of it is you have to go into the mine and catch one pokémon. And I have to go with you to make sure you don’t cheat.”

    “I can do that.” Oliver replied.

    “I am meant to give you this.” The strange girl replied. She held out a singular ultra ball. Oliver took it from her hand, and then stopped to look at her for a moment. He realised that she reminded him a lot of Paul. Same fluffy black hair (although hers was a lot longer), same pointed nose. Was it possible that they were father and daughter? He thought it was likely. He noted that her blue and green dress was hardly battered at all, unlike anything he had seen over the past few months. Fortunately for Oliver, she didn’t notice him staring at her, as she was gazing down into the mine, which was now open completely. The dark gaping hole in the rock face looked cold and uninviting.

    “Get moving already!” one of the enforcers shouted, pushing Oliver forward. He stumbled, but then regained his balance and whirled around, looking angry. But he didn’t look as angry as his new companion. She pulled a pistol from her dress pocket and shot the pushy man in the shin. He fell over, screaming.

    “You don’t mess with the boss’s daughter, Pablo.” She told him. “How many times must my gun and I remind you before the message sinks in?” She saw the look of surprise on Oliver’s face, and turned to him. “That’s right. Paul is my dad. And I shoot people when they act like idiots.”

    “G-good policy.” Oliver replied, not making eye contact.

    “Anyway, my name is Maya. Technically. Long story. Now lets go. You have a pokémon to catch!”

    “Yes. I have a pokémon to catch.” Oliver answered. He seemed slightly dazed, and still wouldn’t look directly at Maya. The girl turned to him and gave him a prod.

    “Get your head out of the clouds!” She snapped at him, before walking into the mine. He followed her slowly, leaving the enforcers behind.

    The duo entered the first chamber. It was dark, except for the light pouring in from the entrance, but that failed to reach the rooms corners, leaving them cloaked in shadowy mystery. The high tech coal shifting equipment had been removed or looted a while back, so there was nothing here but miles of empty caverns that stretched under the sea floor.

    They walked on. There was no sound, save for the occasional dripping of water, and the slight sounds of Maya chalking arrows on the walls so they could find their way back. The place was a complex maze, and without guidance, there was no way back.

    On they went, cavern after cavern, narrow thin passages, large rooms with stalagmites and shallow pools of water. No sign of the pokémon they were chasing. They barely found anything that suggested there was ever life in this forsaken place. Oliver began to wonder if he was ever going to fine a pokémon here, as he and Maya bypassed a collapsed tunnel. Maya stopped to make a chalk make on the wall, handing the oil lamp that was guiding them to Oliver.

    Just as Maya had finished her chalk mark, there was a low rumbling from deeper under the ground.

    “That could be a pokémon!” She said excitedly

    “Lets go then!” Oliver said, sounding slightly unenthusiastic. Maya broke into a jog, turning corners at fast rates. Oliver had to jog himself to keep up. About 16 minutes later, they emerged into the largest cavern yet. The ceiling was at least forty feet high, and even though the room should be pitch dark, it was somehow…not. The whole place was lit with and eerie orange glow which seemed to be emanating from the walls. But Oliver and Maya paid this no attention, as they were too busy staring at the thing in the caverns centre. It was a Steelix.
    Oliver looked at the huge 32 ft iron snake for a moment, and then got ready to battle it. That is when he remembered. His battle. Against Paul. He hadn’t healed. Sneasel was down. Crobat was weak. A Steelix was enough of a handful when he was at full power.

    “Whatcha panicking about?” Maya asked, putting her hand on his shoulder. “D’you think, just because we’re not supposed to cheat, we’re not going to? I am going to battle that Steelix, and I am going to catch it. And then we’ll say you caught it.”

    “We can’t do that!”

    “Do you want to pass this test?”

    “…”

    “Exactly.” Maya smiled, raising one of her own Pokéballs. “Your battle against dad was nothing. You are about to see a real trainer in action!” She threw the Pokéball. “Go Venusaur!” The giant pokémon emerged and roared. “Use Razor Leaf!”

    “Saaaaur!” Maya’s pokémon cried, unleashing a wave of green leaves from the plant on its back. They spun through the air and bashed against the sleeping steel pokémon. Needless to say, it wasn’t sleeping for much longer. It reared up and roared. Then it slammed Venusaur with its enormous tail. The grass type skidded along the fall before crashing into a mass of stalagmites. Stone pillars which took thousands of years to form were shattered like glass. The Steelix then began striking the ground multiple times with its tail.

    “It’s using Earthquake!” Oliver shouted. Clumps of dirt and soil fell from the ceiling as the whole cavern shook. Venusaur took significant damage, but there were other effects. Crobat’s Pokéball fell from Oliver’s belt and burst open. The injured bat pokémon appeared, and began flying around nervously.

    “Earthquake!” Maya said, grinning widely. “Venusaur! Use Earth-”

    Oliver knew what would happen even before it happened. “MAYYYYYA!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” He screamed at the top of his voice.

    “-quake!” Maya finished, and then she turned to Oliver with a look of surprise and panic on her face. “What is it!?!” She shouted back, but it was too late. Venusaur leapt into the air and came crashing down on the floor, causing the cavern to shake once more. The ancient ceiling cracked and fell, and a 1000 tons of rock and soil fell into the cavern. Not one single living thing save the Steelix could have survived being in the path of the rocks. And the Steelix was the only thing that did.


    Chapter Four


    Oliver however was not in the path of the rock fall. A combination of luck and the quick thinking of Crobat was all that got him out of the large natural cavern. At the last available moment the bat pokémon had used Giga Impact on his master, sending both trainer and pokémon hurtling back into the corridor out of danger. Oliver hit his head on the solid rock wall or the underground passageway, but he was safe from death by crushing. As his consciousness slipped away, all he could see was the shape of his beloved Crobat.

    ***

    Four hours later, Oliver woke. His chest, legs and head were all bruised, and his memory was hazy. He lay in the darkness trying to organize the thoughts buzzing around his mind.

    I got selected by the enforcers to join the East Shellos Crew.
    I defeated their leader in a pokémon battle.
    I came down to the mine to catch a pokémon.
    I was with Maya.
    Maya.
    MAYA.
    MAYA.
    O
    Oh
    Oh god
    No.
    No.
    The ceiling.
    It fell.
    MAYA…
    Dead?
    Dead…

    The full realisation of what had happened swept over him like a Surf from his dad’s Feraligatr. The Feraligatr was dead now. Just like his Oliver’s dad. And his mum. And (maybe) his younger sister. And now Maya and her Venusaur. Oliver himself looked like he was going to go the same way. He was trapped deep underground. It was pitch dark. All of his determination and quick thinking had deserted him and left behind only pain and sadness.

    I’m going to die. He thought.
    I’m going to die here.
    I’ll starve in the dark and cold.
    It could take days…Maybe weeks.
    Alone.
    Completely alone.


    There was a fluttering of wings, and Crobat flew off the ceiling where he had been sleeping and started flying around the narrow passageway. It placed one of its lower wings in Oliver’s hand. The boy realised what his pokémon was doing for him. It was saving him.

    “Crobat?” Oliver said.

    “Crobaaat.” It replied. And they began to walk.

    It was an exceedingly long and arduous climb, and Oliver thought of Maya the whole way.
    If I ‘d moved fast, could I have saved her?
    Or would we both have gotten killed?
    God
    I still can’t believe I’m getting so sad about this
    I barely knew her
    I’ve seen plenty of death over the past year
    But losing Maya feels like losing my parents all over again.
    Why?
    This is ridiculous
    I need to-


    Oh no
    Paul.
    Maya was his daughter

    Will he blame

    Me?
    If I go back to him
    He will

    Crap.
    Maya is dead
    And soon I will be.
    Maya…


    He could see nothing. Just the endless darkness. In the absence of sight, Oliver’s other senses were working harder to compensate. But there was nothing to hear except the crunching of his own feet and the almost silent beat of Crobat’s wings. Nothing to feel but physical pain. Nothing to smell except…

    Oliver took a deep breath, and smelt a pleasant and familiar smell. It was the smell of fresh air. He let go of Crobat and stumbled blindly forward. He spotted the exit and dashed though into the cool night air. A wave of happiness pushed all thoughts of Maya and Paul from his mind. He smiled widely, the collapsed with exestuation on a grassy bank near the front of the mine. He was asleep in minutes.

    ***

    Oliver was shaken awake a few hours later by a blurry figure. His sight focused and he realised that it was the tall thin man who had been referee in his battle against Paul. He was lying on a straw mat in what the recognized as the ex-Oreburgh gym. Paul himself was standing next to the mat, his eyes focused intently on Oliver. His face didn’t exactly say “Happy”.

    “Maya.” Paul asked. “Where is she.”

    “M-m-m-m-m-m” Oliver stammered, suddenly at a loss for words.

    “Oliver.” Paul addressed him by his name for the first time. “Where is my daughter.”

    “She…Died.” Oliver replied “A cave in…There was nothing I could do….”

    Paul’s face was unreadable. “Gather the troops and arrange them outside. The boy will face his final challenge come daybreak.” And with that chilling statement, the two men left the room. Oliver slowly drifted back into a troubled sleep…

    ***

    Oliver was faced with another rude awakening about an hour later.
    This time it was a huge man with a big bushy beard.

    “Come to the street outside.” The man said, obviously attempting to keep his voice down for some reason. “You final test awaits you.”

    Not seeing that he had a choice Oliver followed the bearded man out into the dawn. The golden circle known to human as the sun was slowly rising over the roof of the gym. The street was once again encircled by ESC members like it had been for the battle. Paul was standing at the far end of the street. He had a strange look on his face, and he was hold a pistol. The tall thin ref guy took Oliver by the shoulders and led him towards Paul as the bearded man took his place with the spectators. Oliver knew there was nothing he could do. All these men and women were armed to the teeth, so there was no chance of running. He just had to face what was coming to him.

    They stopped when they were about five feet from Paul. Oliver’s greasy hair escort took his place with the others, but not before he pushed a pistol into Oliver’s shaking hands. The boy looked at the man questioningly, but he simply walked away.

    “Allow me to explain the rules.” Paul stated. “I am tired of life. I have lived…Too long.” He paused for breath. “The only thing that made my life worth living was my Maya. And now she is gone. Oliver, I had intended you to become her lover. It was my wish that you would one day rule the East Shellos Crew together.” There were actual tears in Paul’s eyes now. “But I would not see my daughter with some nothing that crawled straight from the gutter. So I devised three test to prove your worth. During your second test, my Maya died. The full circumstances are unknown to me, but I believe that you did what you could for her. I believe you are not only worthy to work with the ESC, but lead the ESC. But there is one thing you must first do.” Paul’s tears were in full flow now. Oliver was visibly shaking, and not one single member of the crowd could keep their eyes of their current leader.

    “What would you want from m-m-me?” Oliver asked. He was determined not to show to much emotion.

    “ Two things. One, swear that you will rule the ESC correctly and that you work to destroy the WSC.” The man stopped. He stared directly at Oliver. “Two. You must end my life.”

    Oliver had seen it coming. So had all the others. And right then and there, the boy know he must respect Paul’s last wishes.

    “I swear on my parent’s graves that I shall be an able, willing, and capable leader for the ESC as long as I am alive.”

    “Then it is time.” Paul replied.

    “One thing first.” Oliver said. “Why did you pick me?
    Paul look sadder still. “That is something you may never know.”

    “Then I shall respect that.” Oliver said, his voice merely a whisper now. “Goodbye Paul.”
    He raised the gun and fired.



    It was several moments before anyone spoke. They just stared at the body. But then the greasy haired man came forward.

    “All hail the new leader.” he said blankly. Then he looked Oliver straight in the eyes. “My name is Mav.” Oliver realised that the man was holding out a Pokéball. “This is for you.”
    Oliver took the red and white capsule and held it up. It glinted in the morning sun.
    The teen already knew what it contained.

    “Hello Shellos.” he said quietly.

    Oliver then took one last look at Paul’s body. Paul was in the past now. Like Maya and his mother and father.
    Paul’s time had ended, and now many things would change.
    His own life, and the ESC and Oreburgh city itself.
    Oliver Argenta Atam was in control.
    Last edited by The Golden Tyranitar; 9th May 2010 at 03:52 PM.

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    Default Re: The Shellos Crew (NWC)

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    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

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    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Shellos Crew (NWC)

    I note that you are an English writer. I will grade knowing the English spelling, but in my actual grade, please note, that I am an American writer.

    Also, I'm going to shorten Oliver to Oli.

    Intro:
    Section 1: The Hook
    Great, original hook: two simple twins becoming crime lords. It really got me interested in your story, and it caught me off guard when the focus was switched to someone on the outside of the crime war.

    Section 2: The Characters
    I liked how you differentiated between the two brothers by making the more aggressive one that says “Mine is better than yours.”

    Giving the full name of the boy didn't really mean much to me. It’s one of those things that can easily be replaced with any other generic middle and last names. However, if the character had a Kamina from Gurren Lagann and announced his name like a catch phrase, it would have made this name more memorable and less of a passing detail. Even at the end of the story, I didn't understand why you told me the kid's name. I had to go back to the beginning to try to find some kind of significance. The only reason why I'm mention this is because this story is pretty long and when you don't give a detail enough time to ferment in the reader's mind, its not going to matter much and maybe confuse the reader when you mention it at the very end, like me.

    However, you detailed the outfit well, and with dialogue, you helped me understand more about the mind of Oliver.

    Plot/Reality:
    You hooked me, but many plot elements confused me to the point of wanting to stop reading:

    1. 38 year old ESC leader loses to a 15 year old boy.
    Even though he has led a criminal organization that steals Pokemon, he loses to some kid off the street. If he wants the kid to succeed him, he wouldn't hold back, so that argument is out. Paul seemed genuinely mad that he lost which just adds to my confusion.

    I suggest that you mention that the leader has gotten rusty or something or make the boy older.

    2. Maya's personality changes from chapter 2 to three
    At first it you say that she is nervous about reading a card in chapter 2. Then in chapter 3, Maya has a take-charge, do-what-I-want attitude. She shoots at an enforcer. It seems like she doesn't know her father's plan as well. If she did, it would explain why she was nervous in the Chapter 2, but then, why would she help the kid out in Chapter 3. It seems like she doesn't like Oli from her reactions to things he does.

    I suggest making it either she knows or she doesn't know and stick with it. Also, decide whether she wants to forced into the union.

    3. Everything Paul says in the last chapter
    A. He's lived too long.
    He's 38 (Intro 8, 30 years in the future). How can that be considered too old in the Pokemon Universe.
    B. Intended Oli to be his 13 year-old daughter's lover and his successor
    I don't understand the logic behind him finding some random kid that had a Pokemon and then saying that he plans to hand his company over to him. Also, since its never revealed why Paul picked Oli, it just seems random and contradictory to the story, since again, Oli was just a random kid that decided to join them instead of giving up his Pokemon. Also, why wouldn't someone that knew the working of the organization be better suited to succeed Paul? All of these questions could have been answered, but they aren't.

    I suggest dropping hints of some kind of connect between Paul and Oli, like he knew his father or something. But just don't make them related for obvious reasons.

    Length:
    It does meet the requirements of a simple Pokemon. Yet, the plot points I mentioned held me up from smoothly reading this story.

    Grammar:
    Paragraphing. You should paragraph whenever a new person speaks, or acts. However, if the same person speaks right after they act, you should keep them in the same sentence if you don't later refer that they are speaking. Here is an example form your story:
    “Yes. I have a pokémon to catch.” Oliver answered. He seemed slightly dazed, and still wouldn’t look directly at Maya. The girl turned to him and gave him a prod.

    “Get your head out of the clouds!” She snapped at him, before walking into the mine. He followed her slowly, leaving the enforcers behind.
    It should be:
    “Yes. I have a pokémon to catch,” Oliver answered. He seemed slightly dazed and still wouldn’t look directly at Maya.

    The girl turned to him and gave him a prod. “Get your head out of the clouds!” She snapped at him, before walking into the mine.

    He followed her slowly, leaving the enforcers behind.
    This helps the reader associate actions and dialogue with their intended user. Also this brings up another common mistake you make. You tend to not use comma correctly in dialogue. When a person says, speaks, tells, told, etc., you should use a comma as the dialogue is a part of the sentence. However, if the person commits some other act not involved in talking, like smirking or winking, then close off the dialogue with a period. Here are some examples from your story:
    “Today, we’re doing something a little different.” The chief enforcer said. “Anyone here with Pokemon is getting recruited to the ESC.”

    “Fine.” Said Oliver. “But at least tell me your name.”


    “Exactly.” Maya smiled, raising one of her own Pokéballs.
    The first two are wrong while the last one is correct. You can't smile a piece of dialogue.

    Also, other mistakes:
    There were two identical flashes of white light and in the blink of an eye, the young boys were faced with two pokémon. An west sea Shellos for Keith, and a east sea Shellos for Paul.
    The bolded is not a sentence. A good way to fix this is to use a colon. Colons are used in this instance because it is an explanation of the pokemon: a description of the two pokemon. Also an "east" and a "west."
    There were two identical flashes of white light and in the blink of an eye, the young boys were faced with two pokémon: a west sea Shellos for Keith, and an east sea Shellos for Paul.
    The third floor was one large room, with small “walls” made from rubble.
    The comma is not need because with is a preposition not a gerund. The "with" is describing the room.

    “Anyway, my name is Maya. Technically. Long story. Now lets go. You have a pokémon to catch!”
    "Lets" should be "Let's" because it is a contraction.


    Lastly, at least in the same paragraph, you should keep the same tense. Example:

    In this world, the three things that still had any value were weapons, food and pokémon. Money is worthless.
    "Had" is past and "is" is present.



    Details:
    Edit: Here's a good tv trope that explains what I'm trying to get across: Chekhov's Gun
    You have a lot of detail, some times too much. Like I mentioned in the beginning, the name, at least the middle name, isn't really needed since it seems like he isn't related to anyone from the Pokemon Universe or anyone else in your story.

    Also this:

    Oliver straightened up and began to speak. “I was born in the Johto region. I lived there until I was five. Then my father died. He… was killed… along with three of his pokémon. The other three he managed to pass on to me before…
    Then you say:
    More light jets, one red and one white, as Sneasel was recalled and Crobat released. Crobat was Oliver’s only other pokémon, having inherited it from his dad at the same time he got Sneasel.
    Oli only has two pokemon in your story: Sneasel and Crobat. Be careful and remember to look over your story a few times, esppecially if it is as long as this.

    Also:
    “Anyway, my name is Maya. Technically. Long story. Now lets go. You have a pokémon to catch!”
    Since she dies and it seems like we'll never know the long story, it seems superfluous. Too much detail tends to raise questions or bored, both not wanted when writing a story.

    “You!” He barked at Oliver. “Get in line with the rest of them!” Oliver hurried to obey, taking a place at the end of the line of people.
    You introduce the person, chief enforcer, after this. It isn't proper to use pronouns when you don't even mention the person it is modifying. You actually don't mention that he enters the room with the enforcers in it. You say he goes to a floor, then describe the floor. If you included the fact that the enforcers were sizing up the people as Oli came in, this would be less confusing.

    I understand that you like to use lower-case "pokemon." However, you do capitalize it once. Just little things you need to beware.

    Additionally:
    Oreburgh city was reduced to about one 20th of its original population, and ownership was split between two rival criminal gangs. One was called the West Shellos Crew, they were cruel and ruthless, and ruled over the west side of the city, and the other was the West Shellos Crew, who owned the west side. The ESC was generally nicer than the WSC, and they tried to make the world a slightly better place to live in for everyone except their sworn enemies: the WSC.

    Obviously, each member of the WSC have at least one east sea Shellos and each member of the ESC had at least one west sea Shellos. But only the leader of the gang was aloud to evolve their Shellos to Gastrodon.
    You mentioned 2 West Crews. Also, wouldn't the ESC have east coast Shellos like their leader? Paul got an East Coast Shellos in the prolouge.

    Personal Feelings:
    “Mine is better than yours.”
    Favorite quote from this story.

    I have mixed feelings about this story. I liked the initial concept, but then it started not to make sense (see plot/reality section). I liked the energy the Oli gave.

    But the biggest thing was that your character was just handed a Shellos. This was the deal breaker. I know that Galleon said that you just need to mention the intended Pokemon, but this seemed too little. Oli doesn't even have to battle it or try to catch it.

    However, I must make this clear: You can write an interesting story. This was one of the more original plots I've seen.

    Verdict:
    Last edited by sorocoroto; 3rd June 2010 at 03:40 PM.

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

  4. #4
    Is Golden. The Golden Tyranitar's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Shellos Crew (NWC)

    Allow me to clear up some of those points for you.
    I used his full name because it is a vague hint to his father was.

    And Paul is kinda insane. He feels he has lived to long, because he's been living in a war torn world that he has practically helped make worse. It is my opinion that his guilt is catching up on him.

    Maya has a weak, submissive personality in chapter two, because she wants to give her father the impression she is weak and useless. Why would she want to do that? She had her reasons.

    Why Paul chose Oliver-
    There is a reason, which I was actually planning to clear up in a second story.

    Oh, I'm glad you pointed out the detail errors
    I expected some of them, since I kept changing things half way through the writing process. I'll be sure to fix them before the re-grade.

    Anyway, I'll wait and see if I lose the NWC, then maybe I'll re-edit to get a harder Pokémon or something.

    Thank you!
    Last edited by The Golden Tyranitar; 4th June 2010 at 03:06 AM.

  5. #5
    Chocolate Bear Galleon's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Shellos Crew (NWC)

    Well, I'm two months late, but hey, guess what? I'M OVERRIDING THIS SHIZZ.

    @Golden T-tar, just take your freaking Shellos.

    @soro, as a sidenote, a Chekhov's Gun is more a literary device than a tv trope. Since, y'know, literature has been around a lot longer than tv.

    And to any other graders reading this, if you haven't guessed yet, then yeah, this means I'm finally getting around to doing grader wages. I'm not gonna be giving advice this time, though, I think. 's too much a pain in the ass, 'n I don't feel like it.

    If you like people who yell a lot, then you're going to love me. OR MAYBE NOT. I DUNNO.

  6. #6
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Shellos Crew (NWC)

    Quote Originally Posted by Galleon View Post
    Well, I'm two months late, but hey, guess what? I'M OVERRIDING THIS SHIZZ.

    @Golden T-tar, just take your freaking Shellos.

    @soro, as a sidenote, a Chekhov's Gun is more a literary device than a tv trope. Since, y'know, literature has been around a lot longer than tv.

    And to any other graders reading this, if you haven't guessed yet, then yeah, this means I'm finally getting around to doing grader wages. I'm not gonna be giving advice this time, though, I think. 's too much a pain in the ass, 'n I don't feel like it.
    Yeah made this grade well before i was told that the intended mon was, well not needed to be the main focus, just a side thing, so i totally agree with this (i was told just to wait for you to override it anyways since i didn't know at the time of this grade)

    but yeah will be doing better in the future boss

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

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