Shedinja's Secret (Graded, hurrah!)- Comments welcome (A bit graphic)
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Thread: Shedinja's Secret (Graded, hurrah!)- Comments welcome (A bit graphic)

  1. #1

    Default Shedinja's Secret (Graded, hurrah!)- Comments welcome (A bit graphic)

    Pokemon being Captured: Nincada
    Suggested Length: 5k - 10k
    Actual Length: 5943

    -----

    I am an outcast. I always have been.

    It was that Halloween night, where I walked out of my house without the need of costumes. It was the only night I was accepted... by people who haven't met me before. My ice-white hair glowed in the dim moonlight, and my snowy, elegant dress trailed. My pale skin just added more to the effect that I looked like a ghost, and so was my deep, soulless white eyes. I would trail the street, and people yelled 'Nice make-up!' I felt normal. But I shook it off immediately, knowing who I really was is not socially accepted by the modern world.

    I saw the small, innocent children dressed in cheesy costumes, holding buckets of candy of all kind. Mints, gum, lollipops... their buckets were littered with them. They knocked on the door of adults, yelling, "Trick or treat!" Most of the time, these houses were decorated with what was considered 'Scary' decorations. I sighed. I was scarier than any of these decorations, yet some children cried and screamed when they saw them. I wasn't raised to be so soft. I bet if they realized what I did, they would faint out of horror and won't wake up.

    I continued walking on the road, and noticed a small cave in the distance. In it, I could smell something no ordinary human could. I walked towards it, curious and grim. I didn't know what to expect. But what I saw would make the toughest of men scream, and the most bravest human faint- though, it might probably just be from the smell.

    In the cave was a very large table, with large, brown leather chairs. Plates were arranged in a neatly order on top of a clean, white tablecloth. Glasses were prepared, filled to the brim. Lit candlesticks stood on the table, and it looked like a nice, normal table- if it wasn't for the feast that was prepared on the plates.

    Human arms were neatly placed in the middle of some plate, sometimes with a side dish of eyeballs. The glasses were filled with human blood, and I could see a toe bobbing out of one. Heads filled some other plates, the expression of horror still kept on the rotting flesh.

    I looked under the table and noticed, hidden by the chairs, piles of legs, mostly skeleton, though some were still fresh. I also saw a little Nincada, completely still. It then munched on the bones of the legs. I didn't know it liked bones. It then jumped up and thumped its tiny head on the table above it, supposedly a delayed surprise reaction at the sight of me.

    My attention was redirected towards the noise of air moving. The person who was in here moved with extreme silence; only I, who has super strong hearing, could detect these movements.

    "Go! Shoo!" Something said, and the Nincada scurried away into the shadows.

    I noticed a bug-shaped thing, floating towards me. It had torn, golden wings, and a white body. Its eyes were empty. I remembered that thing as a rare Pokemon called Shedinja, the shed skin of a Nincada evolving into a Ninjask. I noticed something I haven't before. Piles and piles of Pokeballs, right next to the table.

    "Why does my brother always try to ruin everything." The voice said. It didn't seem to come from the Shedinja. It was going through him; like a tape recorder. The Shedinja stopped rambling and turned its attention to me.

    "Welcome... to my feast, my dear friend." The Shedinja said in a sort of creepy kind of voice, haunting, in fact. I stared at it cautiously, before replying.

    "Your... feast? You can eat?" I said, and the Shedinja laughed. The strange thing was, it did not move its mouth.

    "I can do things most Pokemon can't... take, for example, communicating telepathically," The Shedinja said, almost as if it just read my mind. "But I cannot eat."

    "Then what is this laid out for?" I asked.

    "Oh, to... scare my next victim, I suppose. You see... trainers venture into caves looking for Pokemon. They find me, and they attempt to capture me. I immediately turn my back, and the mere looking into my back will cause the sucking of their soul. The Pokeball? I keep them in this pile here," The Shedinja floated over to the pile of Pokeballs. "But tonight, I try a different approach. I find the panicking human soul... tastier. So, they see this, they freak out, I come over and show my back to them. It's worked once, who says it won't work again? But I don't think it works on you."

    "You know, not many people would call this a meal. It would be... quite disgusting towards them. Only a selected few will dare to devour this." I said, seating myself to the table.

    "Yes. Only... a few," The Shedinja said, edging closer. "Any last words?"

    "You wouldn't want to call it the last." I said, and the Shedinja replied with a scowl in its voice.

    "People only rarely come here. I make use of everyone."

    "Exactly my point," I said. "You see... I am one of those people."

    I picked up any arm and bit into it, tearing off the flesh with my sharpened teeth. I swallowed, licking the blood off my lips. I smiled and put it down.

    "I have an offer to make you. I will be the person to trick humans into coming here. You steal the souls, I eat the remains. It's a win-win situation." I said, and the Shedinja was slightly surprised.

    "Very well."

    Suddenly, I heard a scratching sound. The same Nincada from before rushed through the chamber, running back and forth. The Shedinja howled in anger.

    "That Nincada has been bothering me since I was created!" The Shedinja scowled. "He is my twin brother, in a sense. Two eggs were laid, one containing him and another Nincada. The other one evolved, and I was one of the creations- DON'T YOU DARE!"

    The Nincada jumped on the table and overturned several plates. The overturned cups stained the white tablecloth in red. "Your lucky I can't absorb Pokemon souls!" The Shedinja said.

    "I can take care of that as well." I said, and I grabbed a Pokeball and threw it at the Nincada. It glowed bright red before being sucked into the ball. The ball shook once... twice...
    Last edited by Timpeni; 5th February 2011 at 01:02 AM.
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  2. #2
    Gabite Evolved! Krookodile's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shedinja's Secret (Ready for Grading)- Comments welcome (A bit graphic)

    It was kind of creepy but it was a really great concept. I didn't find any grammar errors, but that might be because of my age.
    Last edited by Krookodile; 8th January 2011 at 12:54 AM.

  3. #3
    Tyrannos beware! Morru's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shedinja's Secret (Ready for Grading)- Comments welcome (A bit graphic)

    I would like to say that this is a story deal. ^_^
    Dinovolvin' since the Late Triassic

  4. #4
    silence and sound MuddyMudkip's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shedinja's Secret (Ready for Grading)- Comments welcome (A bit graphic)

    That was quite creepy, but it does fit the plot after all. I did notice an error.
    Quote Originally Posted by Timpeni View Post
    "Than what is this laid out for?" I asked.
    "Than should be "Then". Than is used for comparison, then is something like "Next" or "So".

    That last part about the Nincada bothering the Shedinja seemed quite forced and sudden.
    ..::Active URPG Ranger::..
    A Poem I Wrote
    >>learning through the downs, living for the ups<<
    Quote Originally Posted by Kai-Mei View Post
    Stuff died. Apparently Typhlosion > Chandelure.

  5. #5

    Default Re: Shedinja's Secret (Ready for Grading)- Comments welcome (A bit graphic)

    Edited a bit- thanks for feedback!
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  6. #6

    Default Re: Shedinja's Secret (Ready for Grading)- Comments welcome (A bit graphic)

    I really enjoyed reading that it was really original, I've never really thought of Shedinja being evil before. You write really well, the only thing I found was this which was probably just a typing error:
    They knocked on the door of adults, yelling, "Trick of treat!"
    I think you meant "Trick or treat!" right?
    Anyway keep up the good work. :)

    You can read my fic; A Deadly Breach here.

    Platinum FC: 2321-2981-5085

  7. #7

    Default Re: Shedinja's Secret (Ready for Grading)- Comments welcome (A bit graphic)

    Darn my grammar checker.
    Thanks!
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  8. #8
    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shedinja's Secret (Ready for Grading)- Comments welcome (A bit graphic)

    I'mma claim this one.

  9. #9
    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shedinja's Secret (Ready for Grading)- Comments welcome (A bit graphic)

    Introduction:

    I am an outcast. I always have been.
    This is the first line of the story; a very powerful one at that. The use of short, snappy sentences that say something as though it is a fact, is very effective as an opening line. The fact that it's seperated from the rest of the introduction (and the story, itself) helps to convey the significance of this line. What I'm saying is it intrigued me and almost forced me into wanting to read more. Very well done.

    Now, onto the rest of the introduction. You did several things that really helped to make it so effective of an introduction. You introduced us to a character, a freak of sorts. Not only do they (she?) have an odd appearence, but they come across as very creepy. You gave the principal character very memorable features, such as "souless white eyes" and make them come across as a seriously freaky person... or ghost. Whatever the person is supposed to be, it was done well, in my opinion. Nice. You also put a lot of emphasis onto the setting, Halloween night, and how only then was the main character normal.

    Also,

    I felt normal. But I shook it off immediately, knowing who I really was is not socially accepted by the modern world.
    Mysterious, much? Very interesting. MUST. READ.

    Plot:

    Things start to get a little, no, very weird as the plot progresses. The main character heads towards a cave ahead, attracted by an odd smell. Odd in the sense that no mortals could smell. When our "hero" reaches the cave, an odd sight greets them. It looks just like any regular house, except for one small thing--the table is set with human body parts (dun dun dun). We learn about a Shedninja that lives here and feeds on the souls of humans and his brother, a Nincada, who lives with him. Something extremely peculiar happens next. Our main character takes a bite out of one of the arms on the table. CREEEEEPPPPYYYY. Then they do something arguably worse and makes a pact with the Shedninja. They'll lure in some humans for the Shedninja to steal their souls, as long as they get the flesh. This is one creepy plot.

    I have to say though, that is one unique plot. Rarely do I see such a twisted plot, which is certainly a positive. Different is generally good in my books. The story was a tad ridiculous. If the creature (ya know the main character) can lure humans there, why don't they kill them themselves? Eh, it's just a little quibble just watch out for these kind of things in future. It seems as though you have just about everything you need in this story, so there isn't much more I can really say.

    Detail:

    The detail, for the most part, was excellent. You described everything that needed to be described quite well. You told us what the main character looked like and about the Shedninja, helping to give us a very vivid image in our minds. This is important so we can visualise what they look like. Good job with the detail. As for outside of the characters, everything that needed to be described was described (read: location). Another thing to watch out for is that two adjectives side by side is not as effective as one, more powerful adjective. Let's take this

    clean, white tablecloth.
    Having just "clean" or just "white" is more effective, I find.

    Grammar:

    The grammar section was quite well-done but there were, however, some small things you should watch out for.

    "Why does my brother always try to ruin everything." The voice said.
    This is just one of the many times I noticed this dialogue mistake. There should be a comma (,) after "everything". So, it should look like this

    "Why does my brother always try to ruin everything," The voice said.
    This...

    Scary'
    should just read 'scary'. Might have just been a typo but there shouldn't be a capital letter mid-sentence, unless it's at the start of a person, place, name or thing. Quite a vague rule but it still helps.

    Length:

    The length of this story is 5,943, which is just the right length. For a Simple 'mon you should aim to have between 5,000 and 10,000 characters, so you're just the right length.

    Personal Feelings:

    This story was quite well done. There was a lot of effort put into the introduction, the detail and the plot itself, as it was quite original. There wasn't really much to fault about this story but I feel that you should work on those small grammatical mistakes that I have listed. Nincada... to catch or not to catch?


  10. #10
    Gabite Evolved! Krookodile's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shedinja's Secret (Ready for Grading)- Comments welcome (A bit graphic)

    Enjoy your new Trainee bug, Timpeni!

  11. #11
    Tyrannos beware! Morru's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shedinja's Secret (Ready for Grading)- Comments welcome (A bit graphic)

    Quote Originally Posted by Gabite View Post
    Enjoy your new Trainee bug, Timpeni!
    Wish shall be traded to me for a Lapras. :D
    Nice job, Timpeni!
    Dinovolvin' since the Late Triassic

  12. #12
    Gabite Evolved! Krookodile's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shedinja's Secret (Ready for Grading)- Comments welcome (A bit graphic)

    Quote Originally Posted by Morru Magnum View Post
    Wish shall be traded to me for a Lapras. :D
    Nice job, Timpeni!
    Enjoy your new Trainee bug, Morru!

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