Shattered Memories (Romance/Feel Free To Grade)
When you wake up, you’re happy to be alive and you have things to do. When you wake up all of your problems and nightmares go away and rid themselves from your mind. There is one person however, that is an exception and this person doesn’t deserve to be that exception and seeks to find a way out of things... so that he can wake up knowing he has a purpose in life as well as actually having one because at the minute, he is dying.
“Doctor where am I?”
“What do you mean where are you? You’re in hospital because of what you did!”
A young man around the age of sixteen with long black streaky hair and light brown eyes with lines under them is lying on a hospital bed surrounded by doctors touching him constantly. He leans over to the left and although his eyes are bloodshot and the corner of his vision is covered with blood he can see his casual jeans and jacket on a chair next to him indicating whatever happened to him was recent.
“We might be losing him!”
The loud and irritating heart monitor begins to increase its volume and the rapid speed makes it hard for him to keep his eyes open as he feels himself slipping away as his muscles weaken. One of the doctors pushes down on his chest with a electronic device and he feels himself energized slightly feeling himself wake up.
“That was too close…”
He feels himself breathing better as all of the doctors sit down in the chairs staring intently at him not sure what to make of the situation. They don’t seem to let go of the stare and instead keep it going until he forces himself to break the awkward silence he has created.
“I still don’t know what happened”
“What good will telling you do?” replies one of the men closest to him in a concerned voice.
An answer to the rhetorical question the doctor threw at him was enough put him off replying as he tries to figure out where all of the blood is coming from with his hands. He gets his answer after clenching his fist and rubbing his knuckles around his eye trying to soothe them but finds blood on one of his knuckles.
“Your eyes the least of your problems kid don’t even try to move your leg,” the same doctor snaps another comment at him.
Instinctively the young man ignores him and tries to lift up his athletically built leg and it works perfect. He tries to lift his other one up and struggles feeling like there’s a dead weight on it and cannot get it to lift up as realization sets in and tells him what’s happened, he’s broken his leg. The sound of the heart monitor plays him back to sleep as he is too exhausted to ask anymore questions…
Memories of a beautiful girl with smooth blonde hair running over her shoulders and blue eyes coloured like the ocean began appearing in this young man’s dreams but the image stayed still. His dreams weren’t processing right and instead the solid picture of this girl stayed stuck in his head for a long time. Hours upon hours the picture just stayed there but eventually after a few twists and turns in his sleep he begins hearing voices…
Don’t say that Brian that’s a horrible thing to say…after all if anything like that happened I’d be right there for you!
Thanks. You mean the world to me you really do…
What?
I said you mean the world to me…
“What?”
Reality forces Brian to awaken as his eyes slowly open to see the person he spent hours dreaming about. The girl looks very shocked talking to one of the doctors outside of the room but Brian could have pulled off a bigger face but he is still too tired. He simply sighs and continues admiring the girl as he lays on the bed scrunched up trying to scavenge warmth from the bed sheet. After a few moments he realises the girl is not in the clothes he imagined her in but instead she is in her school uniform in a way only she wore. Top button of the collar undone and the tie being as short as possible with a short sleeved shirt keeping her slightly tanned skin tone together and most of all the black jeans she wore.
“Oh god…”
Brian can’t hear her well enough and continues remembering little things about her such as the way almost every girl in the summer would wear skirts or something whilst she would stay with her jeans on preferring the look of them. Brian always used to tell her it was a good choice and he thought she looked great in them but he began to get irritated when trying to figure out her name. He sees the door open to reveal her entering his ward and arches his back in a attempt to welcome her expecting a friendly welcome back.
“Hi,” she said in an extremely nervous manner.
“Are you okay? You don’t look like it…” he replies trying to get some answers.
“Yeah I’m fine.”
She looks at him using her body language to try and tell him something. Her mature behavior and serious attitude always allured him to her and he always liked the way she applied her make up and did her hair, it made him feel comfortable to see how relaxed she always was with him but this didn’t feel right.
“You’re usually louder than this…”
“Can you remember anything?” Skipping the question completely she answers with her own.
“I don’t mean to sound silly but the only thing I can remember is you and I can’t remember why I’m in hospital either but whenever I try to recall things you come in mind.,” he says preferring to open up to her.
She has a look of discomfort on her face which she hastily tries to remove before responding. “What you did for me was the bravest thing I’ve ever seen you do and it makes me happy that you’ve been my best friend for over five years now. I’ll never leave you Brian after what you did,” she opens up to him as well smiling afterward.
“What did I do?” Brian says trying to be as careful as possible running through everything he says.
Nothing but silence responds to him as she sits down on the chair and plays with her hair nervously hoping he won’t say another thing. She does however extend her hand to him and he reaches out to it and holds it until she begins squeezing tightly showing the bond they’ve had. They share the moment together before the door once again opens revealing yet another anonymous doctor in a boring white uniform as all of the others wear.
”It’s time for you to go Brian, we’ve arranged a taxi for you to go home in,” he said.
“Already? You made things last night seem pretty serious…” Brian questions him.
“Oh that ha-ha no worries you’ll be fine!” the doctor responds to him with a slight hint of fake in his words.
Brian chooses to say nothing as is he is handed a pair of crutches and left to work out the rest for himself sliding off of the bed and trying not to put pressure on his right leg and leaning on the crutches for support. He looks at his demoralized friend and asks her to open the door before proceeding to climb in the yellow cab waiting outside of the automatic doors that send him out. He opens the door and the girl says one last thing to him.
“Come to training tonight at 7PM. We’ll catch up and stuff and I’ll explain things to you. Get some rest for now dude it’ll do you good” she winks at him showing a much happier side to herself and then waves him goodbye as the cab leaves the hospital.
The streets of New York breathe life into Brian as he can see kids playing basketball in different parks and buildings as tall as the eye can see. The sunny weather is hot and revitalizes him but the driver decides to open both of the front windows in the car as the cool breeze of thirty miles per hour driving relaxes Brian as he takes in the settings that should feel familiar but have lost their place. The driver also switches on the radio and hears the song “By The Way” by Red Hot Chilli Peppers begin to play as he cheers and turns up the volume causing the drum beats to excite Brian a little leading to him cheering alongside the driver. He enjoys the long drive as the song fades into the background as the cab pulls over right outside his house.
“Thanks man enjoy the rest of your day” Brian thanks the driver with much appreciation in his voice.
“No problem kid,” he responds before shifting gears and driving away from the street and turning a corner leaving Brian’s view.
A single floor house awaits the recovering Brian and after getting his keys from his fresh trouser pockets and unlocking the maple door the first thing he does is turn the burglar alarm off making sure not to cause any noise to disturb the neighbors. He smells the fresh scent the house has probably from the cleaner that comes around every week and almost immediately realizes something. Every light in the house is switched on. The living room, the kitchen, the corridors and even the bedroom lights are all switched on.
“Talk about a bad vibe…what went on last night?”
Trying to ignore the growing fear in his mind he goes to his bedroom covered with mirrors, pictures and a massive bed and flicks the switch. He goes through the opposite door into the kitchen where there is still some food left in the microwave. It’s chicken and he sticks his tongue out when he opens the door letting out the rotting smell and throws it into the nearest bin before hastily flicking that switch as well. He passes through the main corridor and does the same before entering the front room and leaving it on for some reason, turns the television on to the news hoping to get some answers.
“Good morning viewers this is the 12 o clock news report by Joe Chuckle and Tom Tucker! Now for the headlines…”
Both of the men doing the report shuffle their papers around briefly and then begin the report.
“First up La Liga Champions Barcelona had a unfortunate exit in the Champions League quarter finals against Premier League contenders Manchester United in a epic 3-2 win with Lionel Messi bringing home the winner in the 128th minute! United attempted to mount a comeback but ran out of time as the strikers surged into the box.”
Brian chuckles to himself, being a sports kinda person.
“Next up a break in at a local mall resulted in heavy damage as windows were smashed and locked doors were put through as a local gang of hooligans smashed up the place. A few unlucky people were found inside the building at the time and were heavily brutalized according to reports as the gang got away with numerous objects”
Flashbacks begin emerging into his head as all of his muscles tense slightly his body trying to tell him that the story was linked somehow. He tries to ignore the pictures of a gang smashing objects up and realizing it’s only quarter past twelve decides to go to sleep and catch up with his rest. This time his sleep is undisturbed as he crashes out on the sofa for numerous hours before finally waking up at six…
However the television is switched off and the repetitive sound of news reporters has gone replaced by the sound of growling in the front room. Jumping up in fear Brian sees that in front of him is a dog like creature with a red nose and black mane playing with a toy as it roughs it about trying to rip it into pieces. The creature’s long grey swishy tail goes about in circles as Brian’s fear subdues and calms him down slightly. Brian gets up using his crutches to try and play with the creature but ends up stepping on something which causes him to stop and pick it up, curious as to what it is.
“Hmmm…I’m going to guess this is for you little guy,” Brian says to the creature after looking at the instantly recognizable red and white poke ball.
After the creature gets bored of the toy he looks up at Brian despite the fact he is only reaches up to his knee in height and cries out the name “Poochyena!” enthusiastically. The name refreshes Brian’s memory as he puts two and two together realizing that the Poke ball is indeed for Poochyena. He decides against putting the tiny Pokemon into the ball and instead attempts to use it as a method of taking him to training which he didn’t even know what kind of training it was, because she didn’t say what type it was but somehow he didn’t get the feeling that he would be able to train as the feeling in his leg was nothing but pain.
“Training boy?” Brian asks the Pokemon in an attempt to get it to take him. The Pokemon barks back at him in an enlightening manner and scampers towards the door playing along with Brian.
Brian sighs a little dismayed that he couldn’t run in the same manner and pushes down on his crutches trying to keep his balance right lifting himself up and down until he was at the door. Keys already in the door he takes them out and limps outside before turning the key to lock the door. Poochyena looks at him in a happy manner and insists on walking slower with its four fluffy paws so that Brian can keep up with him. He exits the front lawn feeling the plants should have been watered but he leaves that nonsense out of his mind as his thoughts are replaced with the girl he saw not only in his dreams but in the hospital as well. After a few minutes of their journey Poochyena stops completely forcing Brian to do the same thing.
“What’s the matter boy?” Brian asks, wondering what the hold up is.
Poochyena barks at him and then proceeds to advance on a bush as it shakes hearing the Pokemon’s growls. The dog like creature lunges at the bush and lands inside it and reveals a mushroom like creature escaping from the bush trying to flee sensing it is prey for Poochyena.
”Dude stop a minute,” Brian commands his Pokemon trying to figure out what the creature has unveiled.
Nearby a older man is sitting on a bench opposite to the bush and has seen what Brian and the Pokemon are doing and reveals a red console like accessory, the Pokedex. Brian senses the need to go over to him and tells Poochyena to keep the creature at bay which it does by pinning it down with a paw insisting the brown mushroom creature to stay there and it will remain safe. It willingly does so and tries to relax a little breathing in the air all of the emerald green foliage has to offer which is shade and a calm atmosphere. Brian decides to take a look at the older man’s Pokedex trying to ignore the fact his long grey hair is swishing from side to side and blocking his view slightly.
“Shroomish, the mushroom Pokemon. If it senses danger it scatters spores from the top of its head to protect itself and if inhaled they will cause problems for both yourself and your pokemon,” the robotic voice of the Pokedex called out.
“Why not capture it fella it shouldn’t be too hard for you!” The man tries to urge Brian to attempt it.
“I’m…not really that kind of person. I don’t like harming other things,” Brian replied nervously.
“Nonsense Pokemon are meant for capturing!” He answers back.
“Yes but you have to hurt them and if you can’t already tell I’m on crutches” Brian tries to argue his case.
“Yes but answer this boy is it you hurting that Shroomish over there or is it that Poochyena instead?” He answers with a rhetorical question clever enough to convince Brian.
“Alright why not I’ll give it a shot,” Brian chuckles to himself after noticing the rhyme he produced.
Shroomish shuffles about awkwardly on the smooth grass as Brian approaches it making a loud noise with the crutches.
“Alright then Poochy it’s time to make a catch,” he declares.
Taking in one last look of the man on the bench he brushes his hair to the side slightly trying to clear his view and looks down at the brown figure of his prey. It has little groves of green on it and underneath he can see two tiny little legs at the bottom underneath the big brown exterior which keeps all of the spores in.
“Give it a bite,” Brian tells his Pokemon.
Testing out how strong the creature is Brian sinks its sharp teeth into the soft rubber like skin Shroomish has and manages to dig them in enough so that Shroomish jumps slightly, flinching. The grip of Poochyena’s paw keeps it in place and he holds the bite for a while until Brian tells it otherwise.
“Give it a bit more pressure, try a…Crunch!” Brian calls out.
Poocheyena loyally obeys and releases its grip and sinks its teeth back in a lot harder this time causing Shroomish to squeal sending a little fear in Brian’s mind warning him that the Shroomish could send out poisonous spores. Poochyena keeps the grip however as both friends feels the pain the Pokemon is going through but neither gives up. The damage is evident as Poochyena lets go feeling sympathy for the tiny creature.
“Time to catch it then,” Brian insists.
The Pokeball he had for Poochyena comes out of his pocket and into his big hands as he prepares to catch it…but sees something. Shroomish is trying to limp away even with the pain as Poochyena glares at it intimidating it slightly. It moves at an agonizing pace which makes Brian uncomfortable watching.
“You know what Poochy comfort it a little it can hardly walk,” Brian suggests.
Relaxing itself slightly the Pokemon lies down next to the injured creature and pants slightly trying to play off its exhaustion to the injured animal. All of that changes however when Shroomish leans over and sprays a Spore directly into the vulnerable Poochyena’s face as it passes out on the ground not able to move.
“Aw crap he’s asleep!” Brian worries trying not to look at the man behind him on the bench.
Shroomish can be seen attempting a Mega Drain onto Poochyena’s smooth grey fur trying to absorb the healthy nutrients in his body in a way that would help Shroomish to recover while at the same time causing Poochyena pain.
”I can’t hurt you myself…” muttering to himself Brian softly throws the Poke ball and hits the nail on the head and watches as Shroomish becomes a bright read aura going into the ball which shakes and shakes…
Aiming For: Shroomish
Length Needed: 10-20K
Length Currently: 17,441
Note: I know the battle only has a pair of moves each side but I'm trying to play off Brian's unwillingness to hurt creatures and also the fact he is not a experienced Pokemon owner and struggles at battling a Shroomish because of his lack of confidence. Thank you to anyone who grades this, I've spell checked and read it through.
Re: Shattered Memories (Romance/Feel Free To Grade)
Just in case you're wondering I'm from Pe2K posting it here because the grader activity's been so bad...
EDIT: Cheers Alaska, much appreciated.
Re: Shattered Memories (Romance/Feel Free To Grade)
Claimed. I'll probably get it done tomorrow.
Re: Shattered Memories (Romance/Feel Free To Grade)
Intro: Right away, I can see this is going to be an interesting story. You do a good job hooking the reader in. I want to know why Brian was in the hospital. I want to know what gave him such serious injuries. It makes the story more interesting, so good job. Also, you did fine getting Brian's appearance and personality across, so yeah.
Plot: A kid wakes up in a hospital, nobody will tell him what's going on, there's a cute girl involved, he goes home, has a Poochyena he doesn't know about, then goes into the woods to tran it and catches a Shroomish. This is a good plot, but it seemed like the jumps from the hospital, to his house, to the forest were kind of.....messy might be the word. It would have been nice to have something connecting the scenes better, though there wasn't anything particularly wrong with them. Also, I have dibs on grading your next chapter, because I really want to know whats going on. The only real problem is that you didn't mention anything about Pokemon until the very end and even then, it felt like it was just thrown in there kind of randomly. Meh. Either way, you did a fine job with the plot, so kudos, kid.
Dialogue: Your dialogue wasn't overly complicated, but it got the point across. It didn't seem to interrupt the flow of your story and it works, so I don't have too much more to say here. It wasn't amazing, but it wasn't terrible. It was all right, which is just fine.
Grammar: Please excuse what may appear to be rage over the next section.
I have a serious question. Do you know what a comma is? The reason I ask, is because your story is full of run on sentences and tons of places that need commas. I'm not going to post all of the places you need commas, (Since that would be most of the story) but I'll post some of the more glaring examples.
Quote:
When you wake up, you’re happy to be alive and you have things to do. When you wake up all of your problems and nightmares go away and rid themselves from your mind. There is one person however, that is an exception and this person doesn’t deserve to be that exception and seeks to find a way out of things... so that he can wake up knowing he has a purpose in life as well as actually having one because at the minute, he is dying.
The sentence structure is awkward and you're lacking in commas. Let's see how it looks when I fix it up.
Quote:
When you wake up, you’re happy to be alive and you have things to do. When you wake up, all of your problems and nightmares go away and rid themselves from your mind. There is one person however, that is an exception. This person doesn’t deserve to be that exception and seeks to find a way out of things so that he can wake up knowing he has a purpose in life, because at the minute, he is dying.
Yeah. I rewrote that just a bit, but do you see how it flows better now? A lot of your paragraphs need some serious clean up. Let's move onto the next one.
Quote:
A young man around the age of sixteen with long black streaky hair and light brown eyes with lines under them is lying on a hospital bed surrounded by doctors touching him constantly. He leans over to the left and although his eyes are bloodshot and the corner of his vision is covered with blood he can see his casual jeans and jacket on a chair next to him indicating whatever happened to him was recent.
This one isn't as bad, but it still needs some fixing up. Specifically, you need to break some of these sentences up.
Quote:
A young man around the age of sixteen with long black streaky hair is lying on a hospital bed surrounded by doctors touching him constantly. He leans over to the left and although his light brown eyes are bloodshot and the corner of his vision is covered with blood, he can see his casual jeans and jacket on a chair next to him indicating whatever happened to him was recent.
Other than sentence structure and commas, you didn't have too many other problems, but still....I'll be watching for your grammar next time I grade one of your stories. :evil:
Detail: You did pretty good describing your two main characters and the Pokemon in your story. However, I would like to see you describing the setting a little bit more. Honestly, I'm not going to dock you too many points, because you did do a really good job describing Brian and his lady friend. :party:
Length: You needed 10k and you had 17.4k, so you're well within the boundaries of what you need. Good job.
Reality: There was nothing terribly unrealistic, except that why wouldn't the doctors tell him what the hell was going on? I think they're required to by law. You can't keep secrets from your patients, or at least you're not supposed to.....Just something to think about.
Personal Feelings: I thought your story was interesting, but if I'm being honest, reading it was like this: :bheart:
If you've seen the shows Persons Unknown or Lost, you'll know what I'm talking about when I say that something that starts out interesting can quickly become a bit unbelievable or even rediculous. Now I know this is a multiple chapter story, so there might be answers for some things in the next chapter, but don't pull a Lost and make more questions than you can answer. Either way, I'd like to find out more about your story and also, I love you for using present tense. Not enough people use it and it is difficult to write stories with it probably. ANYWAYS, I know what you're really looking for....
Outcome: Your story had some problems that hurt it, but I think you'll be a great writer with a bit of practice so....
Shroomish captured. Have fun with it, kid.
Re: Shattered Memories (Romance/Feel Free To Grade)
It continues shaking as Poochyena stays in place, the effects of Shroomish’s spore still preventing him from waking up. The old man on the bench begins smiling happily at Brian inferring that he’d pulled off the catch.
“I did it?” Brian says as he cannot believe his eyes.
“Yeah kid, you did…” he answers him slowly.
Brian smiles back at him, and picks up the red and white Pokeball and squeezes it with the palm of his hand, as it is small enough to fit in his hand. He throws it in the air, and catches it a few times happy with what he has accomplished.
“I wouldn’t exactly call it battling skills but you stopped something that could have been pretty nasty you do realise that,” he replies sternly killing the mood a little.
“I get where you’re coming from but…that was my first ever catch”
“Your Pokemon could have been seriously hurt,” he argues his point against Brian.
“Well this isn’t even my fault…you talked me into this anyway!” Brian begins to get angered.
“You won’t get far with those scrappy battles…” the old man retorts.
Biting his lip Brian proceeds to tend to Poochyena, who is slowly waking up. Brian strokes him for a little while, to try and wake his companion. After a few awkward minutes of the old man staring at Brian trying to intimidate him, Poochyena wakes up and stands on all four sturdy legs smiling cheerfully at Brian. He smiles back, relieved that the Shroomish he had captured hadn’t hurt him too much because it would have been his fault.
“If I were that Pokemon I’d be choosing a new trainer!” The old man begins laughing.
“Alright just leave it okay?” Brian asks slightly embarrassed buying into his words.
“Why when you’re supposed to be a Pokemon Trainer?”
“Poochyena’s a friend not a slave used for battles,” he answers back.
The old man takes a second, before responding once more. “You think that’s what he wants? What are you going to do when he evolves into a Pokemon born to fight and hunt,” he questions Brian.
“He won’t evolve because I won’t be talked into battles again,” he tries to argue back.
A few more tense seconds go by, as Poochyena steps in front of his trainer proving his loyalty to Brian. He is forced to look up however, when the dark grey clouds begin to form colourless transparent rain drops. They begin hitting the ground and seconds go by, as they drip off of the foliage surrounding the Pokemon, who watches as the grass becomes moist and slippery.
“Well I’ve gotta go to training to meet up with someone…see you later!” Brian says trying to ignore the fact the old man was just belittling him.
“Where do you think you’re going? You need to learn how to battle…”
Brian tries to ignore the old man’s comment and continues on his crutches having Poochyena lead the way until a robot like creature halts his tracks levitating in the air. It is coloured chrome black with two tendrils presumably used to help it with flight and in the cente4 of it is a massive white eye with a very small black and intimidating pupil in the center of it.
“It’s not about what you want…it’s about what you need,” the old man’s tone of voice becomes deeper and intimidating trying to pressure him into another battle.
Taking a second to choose his words, he looks towards the Pokemon and realizes it looks like some sort of hieroglyph however, he can’t seem to pick out what it is.
“You’re threatening me with this thing?” Brian questions the old man in a sarcastic manner trying to make himself a little more confident.
“Yes,” he retorts trying to send fear into Brian which works as the old man is still on the bench looking comfortable.
Seconds go by, as the rain continues to fall onto the trees surrounding the area, as they catch every drop and pick their moment to drop them from their leaves. Brian surveys the situation, and sees an old weak looking man sitting on a bench in the soaking rain, and a small levitating Pokemon blocking his path. Poochyena looks ready for another fight but deep inside his emotions are telling to leave the confrontation be and take his Shroomish with him, to meet the girl that was there for him at the hospital.
“This is an Unown and it may look deceiving…but there is hidden power in this creature. I warn you not to leave…” he continues in another attempt.
“Leave me alone I have a better place to be right now!” Brian shouts back at the man trying to fight his fears. The Unown seems to have moved back slightly leaving him to follow Poochyena’s path, which he continues to do. As he follows the Pokemon walking through the damp and moist grass, he doesn’t look back deciding to not let the fears inside of him make the decision. His companion does look back however, and sees the Unown next to the man as if they were plotting something…the Pokemon thinks nothing off it and leaves Brian to try and enjoy the moment of catching his first creature.
“Thank you pal that battle meant a lot…” Brian mutters under his breath, quiet enough so that his friend was the only one who heard.
Barking back at him the creature smiles at him, its shiny white teeth being revealed. Minute by minute the pair’s energy level gets lower and lower, but the six legs between them would continue to go on in the hope they would find “her”. A lake can be seen from a far distance as Poochyena stops for a moment, letting Brian follow suit. They’re both at the lake which seems to have had the entire energy and colour drained from it, and instead it is replaced by reflections of the trees, and the scenery surrounding it. Taking in the view for a while, they look all around it not seeing anything that moves at all, as if the lake and everything around it were frozen for some reason.
“Wow this place…it’s familiar. I feel like I’ve been here before dude,” he speaks to his companion although he doesn’t really expect a response.
All of a sudden a wave of negative energy seems to go through his body. He picks out a tree that is separated from all of the rest in the center of the lake, that at first didn’t really stand out, but he notices a pair of well built legs dangling from one of the branches…he assumes the worst, and walks down slowly, leaning on his crutches, getting closer to the water. The ripples are coming from the area of land in the middle, and give Brian the urge to go over to the enormous foliage that looks like it goes into space.
“You feeling good for a swim?” he asks his Pokemon. “I’m going to have to leave my crutches here…”
He looks at Brian in a very questioning way, but realizing it could be important, he nods his head at his trainer, and leaps into the freezing cold water, and floats confidently with its natural doggy paddle. No one had even taught him how to use it, but Brian just guessed it was instinct, and stepped into the water a foot at a time before throwing his entire body into it letting go of his crutches. The shock of the cold temperature sets off all of his nerves, forcing him to begin his strokes, as quickly as possible. Right arm, left arm…he continues the process keeping his head underneath the surface holding the air in. He takes his head out quickly to see how far he is and sees that he is just about halfway there before putting his head back under to keep the pace consistent. His hands connect with a piece of dirt which stops him in his tracks as he slowly floats towards the island and reaches the isolated area. He rolls over onto his back and there he sees the same dangling legs but this time things are a lot clearer…
“I knew you’d make it!” A feminine voice cried out recognizing Brian instantly.
“Yeah…you…owe me answers!” Brian finishes his last three words as fast as possible panting heavily trying to rest his lungs. He hears some more splashing and looks up to see Poochyena arriving as well soaking wet but he isn’t concerned, and decides to lie down on top of Brian.
“I know,” the girl responds as Brian manages to track where her voice is coming from. She is sat on top of the second branch of the tree hidden by leaves but her smooth blonde hair sticks out and brings colour into Brian’s eyes. “You wanna know why I chose this place for us to meet then?
“Of course I do…that swim wasn’t for nothing,” he answers back hoping for an explanation.
“Well…this place. It was where we had our first kiss,” she explains to him, her sea blue eyes shining at him.
“I knew this place was familiar…I’m not going to ever forget our first…” Brian responds, consumed with thoughts. The grey clouds don’t have any sympathy for him as they both sit there thinking…
A piece of the puzzle has been revealed and fallen into place…whoever this girl is she is romantically linked with Brian and must have been with him in the incident that put him in the hospital. Wherever she was when the break in occurred she must have been with him, he was sure of it. She seemed so concerned for him at the hospital…
“Sorry but I er…suffered a bit of amnesia from whatever happened before I was in hospital…I’m not gonna ask you everything at once but please can you tell me your name and why my leg was broken?” He smiles at her in a convincing manner desperate to find out.
She looks uneasy as she takes a second to try to respond, as if her mind just paused. “Just call me Abi and if you really want to know…something you did set off a sequence of events that lead up to your injuries. Needless to say some of it was my fault and that’s why I feel I can’t love you anymore after what happened…” the pain in the words she spoke, clearly evident.
Brian let the silence do the speaking, and it gets the desired reception from Abi.
“I’m sorry Brian, so…so sorry,” the emotion pours out from her voice leaving Brian to try and work things out.
“I caught my first Pokemon today…maybe you’d want me to catch one for you?” Brian asks, trying to shift the subject quickly.
”That’d be nice I’ve been wanting a nice Ponyta for a long while now to do some riding with and that” she answers.
“Well do you want me to catch one for you, we could ride together…me being on crutches that would be great!”
“Sure…that’d mean a lot.” Abi responds, seeming a little tense.
Brian used to be able to feel time and be in control with it. He used to have it right in the palm of his hand, but trying to find his memories and suffering a little heartbreak from Abi, has left Brian in despair which he refuses to reveal. Instead he accepts that time is slipping through his fingers and there was nothing he could do about it.
“BARK!BARK!” The sound of Poochyena’s cry can be heard from both Abi and Brian as they both look up to look at the edge of the lake. The familiar Unown is floating and looking very sinister on the surface, silent and creepy. The thing that catches the most attention however was a purple coloured creature with dry and rough skin. Resembling a scorpion with pin sirs for hands and a sharp pointy tail, the only thing that’s different is the streamlined thin wings it has, attached to its arms. What it was doing however was much worse as Brian’s crutches were dismantled and destroyed in mere seconds by the vicious claws of the creature.
“This doesn’t look good…you got one leg and two ground based Pokemon that can’t fly like they can…” Abi says, worried.
“Thanks for being so enthusiastic don’t you have any Pokemon?” Brian asks out of desperation.
“Do two empty Poke balls count?”
Brian chooses not to answer and watches as the Unown slowly levitates across the surface of the water its eye focused on Brian, staring at him. He taps Poochyena on the back waking him up and readying him for the encounter that was almost guaranteed to happen, the Unown looking increasingly threatening as it inches closer. Brian looks up at Abi who looks a little scared but makes nothing of it and stays focused as Poochyena begins growling at the top of its voice trying to scare away the Unown but it doesn’t affect it at all, as it continues its journey.
“Looks like I have no choice…why does this keep happening to me…get ready pal…” Brian, consumed with despair asks his friend.
Unown reaches the edge of the land as Poochyena looks up at it and stops growling realizing the size difference. The creature looks ready for an attack as it size increases temporarily firing red orbs in a circle as it shrinks back down to size, using Hidden Power. Poochyena is hit directly by the move as he is pushed backwards by the force. He begins limping slightly just like Brian would when he had his crutches.
“Don’t worry pal Bite him!
Poochyena follows up on the command and catches the Unown off guard by lunging at him with impressive speed landing a critical hit latching his teeth onto the metal like surface of Unown. He keeps up the hold and cracks the surface as Unown flinches hard and rises up in the air lifting Poochyena higher into the air. Unown moves down however and tries to drop the dog like Pokemon onto the ground but Brian’s one step closer.
“Crunch with all your power!” Brian calls out at the top of his voice.
As Poochyena is falling he reaches out with his paws and uses his down force to take the Unown down with him, crunching the surface that already had a crack in it. He takes himself out along with Unown, but he deals massive damage and knocks the pair of them out the impact too much for Poochyena, and the severe force of his crunch too much for Unown.
“You got a Gligar coming for you as well Brian! Use that Pokemon you said you caught!” Abi calls out.
“Use that empty Poke Ball you said you had then and catch the Unown!” Brian counters and watches ash she draws one out from her pocket. She gives herself a second to make sure the shot’s on target and proceeds to throw it.
It hits Unown on the center of its eye pupil, which causes it to transform into a red silhouette before disappearing inside of it, and letting the lid close. Brian turns his focus to the Pokemon now revealed as Gligar, after shouting its name to him. It glides menacingly quicker than Unown was, and it is headed towards Abi who finally reveals her fear, as her eyes suddenly widen as the Gligar comes straight at her…Brian however, is still looking at the ball. He picks it up and decides to open it up releasing the Pokemon inside...is the Unown on his side?
Aiming For: Unown
Length Needed: 5-10K
Length Currently: 14,001
Note: I was going to aim for a double capture with the Gligar but I felt the quality wasn’t good enough for a double capture and the length would be the minimum. So, questions/plot holes covered up? Also...read through this entire part again and filled in the commas I felt were needed...there was a lot of missing commas at first haha.
Re: Shattered Memories (Romance/Feel Free To Grade)
I got this done earlier than I thought I would (:
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Introduction:
Even though it was a carry-on from the last part of the story, I must say that it interested me. That came mostly from the dialogue between the old man and Brian. Introductions are #1. meant to catch the reader's attention; #2. to introduce characters, plot, setting, ect. to the reader. It did introduce me to the characters personalities and the plot just kind of went on from there.
When you doing a story in parts though, remember that the new grader may not have read your last story. Because of this, I suggest you slip in details of your characters. Don't just throw in a whole paragraph of their description all at once, but do drop in details of how the already introduced characters look. Their skin color, their general age, their build, ect.
Just like how you mentioned in this chapter that Brian had crutches. You just worked that little tidbit into the story smoothly. Just keep doing that.
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Plot:
Since this is a continuation of the last posted story, then I can really give you a complicated grade here. Not that I should anyway, not when you are aiming for a simple 'mon.
So far, it's rather good. The amnesia, the old man pushing for a battle Brian doesn't want, the girl not telling Brian why he was in an accident, then the Pokemon attacking.
I would be careful though, because the 'amnesia from a mysterious accident that nobody wants to talk about' is almost cliche. I think you might be able to pull it off, but make sure to use specific and strong details when talking about this mystery (specific = specific about what you are talking about; strong = vivid details)
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Detail:
Now, you really did do well here.
Quote:
Seconds go by, as the rain continues to fall onto the trees surrounding the area, as they catch every drop and pick their moment to drop them from their leaves.
That actually made me envision a crowd (do trees crowd?) of trees, steadily dripping rain.Though I am not sure if I like the double use of the word 'drop'. You also did a memorable description of the reflective lake.
You used sight and touch a fair bit throughout the story, but I think you should use all, or almost all the senses:
Hearing
Sight
Smell
Touch
Taste
Now, don't use them all at once. Just try to use at least four of them in the story. I also suggest that you use a simile or two (example of simile: "Big as a bus.")
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Grammar/Spelling:
You've improved your use of commas since the previous story and I wish to congratulate you for that (: It shows you are putting work and effort into your story and are improving!
However, I will not beat around the bush: there were still several instances during the story that showed a lack of proper grammar.
Now, when I first started writing this grade, I made a huge list with several of the grammar errors and my advice. Then I looked at it. And I looked. And I thought of Nemo or Kat, or Taras giving out wages and coming to my grade...and then SLAPPING ME WITH A COLD FISH ACROSS THE FACE! So, instead of giving you a wall of text, I am going to focus on two general areas for you to improve on and a couple examples.
Quote:
I wouldn’t exactly call it battling skills, but you stopped something that could have been pretty nasty, you do realise that,”
The bolded commas are my own doing. According to rule #3 of Jack of Clover's trusty writing guide, the first comma should be there because...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clever Jack's Writing Guide
# Rule 6- Use a comma to indicate a contrast in thought in the middle of a sentence ( not, but, instead).
Attending class regularly will help to achieve a good grade, but it won’t ensure it.
The second comma should be there because of the following rule:
Quote:
# Rule 2- Use a comma - or commas if in the middle of the sentence - to set off information that may be extra and not essential to the whole meaning.
My friend, who is an award-winning author, is the mother of seven children.
There were several instances during the story that you did not use commas where they were needed and you broke more than just these two rules. I am giving you this example so you will have an image to associate with the advice.
Quote:
After a few awkward minutes of the old man staring at Brian trying to intimidate him, Poochyena wakes up and stands on all four sturdy legs smiling cheerfully at Brian
Run-on sentences. They are called that because the sentence incorrectly puts together two or more sentences into a gigantic thing-a-ma-bob. You fix them by: adding punctuation, usually in the form of periods.
Also, this is a case where reading something aloud may be helpful. Even after you add a period after the first usage of "Brian", the words "...trying to intimidate him..." kill the flow.
My Suggestions:
I strongly advise looking over the Lil' Leprechaun's <<clicky guide. It's short, but quite helpful. Particularly read the section regarding the proper use of commas.
Even if I bombarded you with an mudslide of your mistakes and my advice, it still would not be quite as helpful as reading Jack's guide. If you want to know more about comma usage, then hit me up or use Google to find you a good grammar guide.
Also, this guide <<clicky is a long, but decent guide to run-on sentences. I strongly suggest you not try to read it all at once; trying to digest all that info in one gulp never works well for me. But do glance over it, perhaps take that ten question quiz at the end and see if you gain any new knowledge.
(Note: Firefox's add-on, Web of Trust, tells me that those two links I gave you, Pokemon Elite 2000.com and MyEnglishTeacher.net, are both virus free)
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Length: Approx. 14k. It was fine. I felt that perhaps you could have gone on a bit longer and finished the battle with Gligar, but that's nitpicking.
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Battle: Eh. A bit too short. It was only a couple attacks. If you are going to do a battle, then really put some effort into it, make it an interesting battle. I do like how you've left the story hanging, so you can easily adjust the plot if you fail or win.
Also, don't forget to use the environment when doing battles.
Conclusion: *Drum roll* Annnnnd...Congratulations! You have caught an Unown. The grammar errors and the short battle aside, you really have some talent and overall, the story was interesting and fun to read.
Other:
I'm so very not used to dealing with this style of writing. I don't know the exact name for it, but I am referring to your style of writing in the present, instead of the past or future. It was a bit of a shock and I'm still getting used to it.
I like the change of colors you use while writing, though I'm not sure exactly why you are changing colors.
Also, you do well when it comes to characters. I can really get a kind of sense of who the old man is and Brian's reluctance about battling and his curiosity about his condition. You might want to express more emotions though, really delve more into how Brian is feeling right now.
