Shadow Wars Chapter 3
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    Default Shadow Wars Chapter 3

    Shadow Wars
    Chapter 3
    History of the Shadow Walker





    “Your majesty.”

    “Justice, what have you found?”

    “We searched the river as you said.”

    “And?”

    “The body of the boy was not found, its gone your majesty.”

    “This is not good. We must find that boy, I want you to send out the Reapers”

    “Yes sir, it will be done at once. I too will join them in locating the boy.”

    “One more thing Justice!”
    five eleven emerald
    “Your majesty?”

    “Let her know we have found him, she might be able to bring him in without a fight.”

    “Yes sir!”

    Two hours later.............

    I woke up and Grandma was gone. I got out of bed and looked around. This house was small. There was a fireplace with a pot over it, a few chairs next to the fireplace, and there were also herbs and vegetables hanging up along with a rabbit. So I walked over to my stuff and got dressed, I put on a dark green shirt and and heavy black pants. I went to brush my hair, when I relized my hair and eye, were not the same color as before. My hair was turning white and my eye were turning green this was weired. On top of that I looked stronger then before, I looked buff. I felt strong to. I was five eleven, but I was now taller to I was now six two it was cool. The fight I had with Justice must have boosted my power some how.


    I heard a noise outside, so I walked over to the door, opened it, and walked out. Grandpa was outside with a young girl. She had green hair and purple eyes. She had a ribbon in her hair and wore a white shirt and blue pants. Boy was she beautiful. I started to walk over to her when Grandpa called out to me.

    Gradpa was six four, and looked great for his age. He was sixty one and had silver hair, with green eyes. he was still strong to buff as a bull it some thing you don’t see in some one his age.

    “Hey there Luke, I see you’re better now!”

    “Yes I feel a lot better then before thanks for the help!”

    “You’re welcome Luke, now what are you going to do?”

    “Don’t know yet I’m just trying to take it one step at a time, so who is this?”

    “Oh yes this is Asa, Asa this is Luke, my Grandson,” Grandpa had a evil grinn on his face

    “Its nice to meet you Luke.”

    “The pleasure is all mine.”

    “Well we’re just have a little battle, you care to join Luke?”

    “No thanks Grandpa I’m not 100% right now you guy go ahead I’ll watch”

    “Okay.”

    I turned around and there was a tree stump with an axe in it, so I walked over, pulled it out, then sat down to watch them. Grandpa had a Tangela and Asa had a Heracross. Tangela was green and looked like a bunch of vines rolled up into a ball and Heracross was blue and looked like a beetle with a long horn. Both Pokemon were nice.

    “Luke!”

    “What the hell?”

    “Luke can you here me!”

    Wait just a second... I know that voice... that’s Sarah! I shut my eyes, then reopened them and there she was. I couldn't make out what she looked like because the Fade makes it hard to do so, but I could see a shadow of what she looked like.


    “Sarah, is that you?”

    “Yes it me are you okay I went to the cave, but you were not there I waited a day for you what the hell Luke?”

    “I’m sorry Sarah, I got out the cave and some guys was waiting for me”

    “Let me guess Justice was there?”

    “How do you know who he is?”

    "Because he tried to kill me, that's how. I was in my village with my family when the king's men came. They started to beat people and kill them. That's when Justice found me. He tried to kill me, but my dad got in the way. I ran away and he killed my dad. I have been running from him ever since."

    “I had no Idea Sarah, but don’t worry I’ll find you okay.”

    “Okay were are you?”

    “I’m safe I with my family right now, when I’m done here I’ll find you for now hide, and don’t came here again unless I call you. Justice can find you if you enter here”

    “Okay I’ll see soon”

    “Good bye Sarah.”

    I opened up my eyes. Grandpa was still battling with Asa. I got up, walked into the house, got my stuff, then walked back out. I went up to grandpa to tell him I was leaving.

    “Grandpa!”


    “What is it Luke?”

    “I have to go I’m sorry.”

    “What?”

    “I don’t have time to explain, someone is in danger I have to help them.”

    “What just a minute, were is all this coming from?”

    “Look I just got out the Fade, there is someone I know and she is in trouble. If I don’t find her Justice, will and then he will kill her so I have to go.”

    “Wait! you’re not well yet, you will need some medicine to help heal the pain”

    “Okay.”

    Grandpa walked into the house. Then came back out he had a brown bag in his hand.

    “Okay take this powder every six hours, just put it in water then drink it you’re be okay”

    “Thanks Grandpa.”


    “Wait one more thing before you go.”

    “What is it?”

    “Asa, get you’re thing you’re going with him!”

    “Wait Grandpa, I can’t take her if I fine Sarah, and Justice, is there I can’t risk her life. No one will die because of me!”

    “If you find Justice again he will kill you! Luke, Asa, is powerful the two of you should be able to repel him if you find him. Now you not letting me train you, so the least you can so it take her!”

    “I want you to train me, but I have no time I must get my generals Grandpa.”

    “What but you...”

    “Its not what you think I have a plan Grandpa, it might not work but I have to try as for Asa, she can came with me if you want”

    “Good get you’re stuff.”

    Asa went into the house, got her stuff, then off we went. We walked through the forest. There was a path which led to the town. It was about two hours from here, but we were going around it. As we walked on, the forest got thicket, and it was hard to move through it. However, this was the best way to get through without anyone knowing where we were. Three hours went by and the only thing we could see was tree after tree until we came to an open field. In the center of it was a big temple.

    The temple had two large stone pillers in the front which were not attached to anything, they just stood in the front of the temple but the did have writing on them. The temple it self was overgrowen with plant life, but you could still see what it looked like. The temple was a square shape the top of it was flat, but it had four obelisks on it which towered over the land around it. The temple had two large doors both were open.

    “Hey there Luke!”

    “What the?”

    I looked down at my feet and Drilbur was there.

    “Were have you been Drilbur?”

    “I was looking for you, I picked up you’re smell and followed it to you ya!”

    “Oh boy.”

    “Who are you talking to Luke?” said Asa.

    “Oh Asa, this is Drilbur I have a Ghost Pokemon, so I can talk to him and he can talk to me”

    “Oh I get well is nice to meet you.”

    “Well you know how to pick them don’t you. She is hot!”

    “Shut up and lets go!”

    “What into there?”

    “Yes into there we have to check it out”

    “Oh boy, I have a bad feeling about this”

    We continued on to the Temple we walked up the stairs, and into the Temple. The walls of the Temple has carvings in them this language I had never seen it before so I asked Asa, if she knew what it was.

    “Hey Asa, do you have any idea what this stuff is?”

    “Yes I do. This language was use by the Shadow Walker, the ancients Shadow Walker I had no idea this was here. I mean I have been in and out of the forest at least a hundred times, and I have never seen this Temple before I don’t understand at all”

    “I know were this Temple came from,” Drilbur said “You do were?”

    “Well this part of the land belonged to the Shadow Walker way back when, and this Temple was built for the dead Dark Lords”

    “Dead Dark Lords, what do you take me for a fool?”

    “Came on Luke, you don’t need me to make you look like a fool you can do that yourself”

    “Why thank you.”

    “You’re welcome now, if you came with me I’ll show you the the Great Hall.”

    We followed Drilbur to the Hall, I could not see a thing so I called out Vulpix my red fire dog, and it use its Flamethrower attack to light the way. The entire temple was covered in markings, some of looked like Pokemon and some of them were just plan damn weired. I didn’t know how Drilbur knew were to go, there were so many was to go in this place, it had to have a least one hundred rooms in it.

    “Hey Luke, get over here!”

    “What is it Asa, are you alright?”

    “Yes I fine look what I found!”

    I ran over to Asa, she was looking at a stone obelisks with carvings in it, but I could read what the say.

    “Have you ever seen this before Luke?”

    “No but I can read what it says.”

    “Then what are you waiting for tell me what it says!”

    “Okay it says History Of The Shadow Walker”

    In The Beginning
    Twenty five millennia before the time of Jack of Blades, about the time the Republic formed, a group of Fade-sensitive individuals came together to form the order of light. Over time they studied the Fade, learned from it, and refined the order into what it is today. The order of light served the Republic as advisors and peacekeepers. They understood the dangers of the Dark Side of the Fade and stayed primarily to the Light. But not all were content with the Light Side. Although forbidden to do so, a few individuals chose to secretly study the Dark Side of the Fade; Studying the magic's of anger and chaos. Their numbers grew until the inevitable confrontation between the Light and the Dark. This came to be known as the Great Schism; Dreamer against Dreamer, brother against brother. The Dark Dreamers, finally defeated after a century of bloodshed, took their battered ships into exile, crossing the Ocean into the unknown. There the vanquished Dark Dreamers found a primitive civilization, a new people to dominate, the Shadow Walker. With unlimited resources and willing slaves, the Dreamers exiles forged the Shadow Walkers civilization into a powerful Empire.

    “Wow I had know idea all this was here Luke, keep on reading there still a lot left.”

    The Golden Age of the Shadow Walker
    After many centuries the Shadow Empire grew to a vast, rich realm spanning several great cites. This was the Golden Age of the Shadow Walkers. The Empire was led by many Shadow Lords and one supreme ruler, the Dark Lord of the Shadows. This title was passed from one generation to the next, with only one Dark Lord at a time. Although little is known of the first several Dark Lords, 5,200 years ago Karness Muur defeated Vodo-Siosk Baas for the title and ruled during the pinnacle of the Golden Age. The Dark Lords built huge stone temples to house the remains of their Dark Lords, and used their magic to create creatures of unspeakable horror to guard the tombs. The Shadow Lords crafted many things on the backs of the Shadow people, many architectural wonders. The Dark Lords also created many artifacts in this time, items infused with their malevolent Dark Fade power. Some enhanced the wielders power in the Dark Side, others were made to focus Dark energy into a certain effect. The Shadow people and the Dark Lords intermarried, and some of pure Shadow Walkers blood gained the status of Dark Lord of the Shadow Walker.

    “I don’t get this Asa, Grandpa told me the story of the Shadow Walker, but this does not sound like the story he told me?”

    “Look at this it shows when these were made Luke, and if I’m right this were made long before Jack of blades was around.”

    “What does that mean Asa?”

    “I don’t know, keep reading it and we will find out.”

    The Great Sea War
    Two hundred years later, at the funeral ceremony of Karness Muur, the title of Dark Lord was once again in dispute. This time it was between Marka Ragnos and his arch rival Desolous. Marka was part of the elite priesthood of pure Shadow blood and said that the Shadows had grown too complacent, and that they should expand their empire and conquer new territory. Content with the current glory of the Shadow Empire, Desolous vehemently opposed Marka and accused him of practicing forbidden magic. The confrontation escalated into a duel, but the ghost of Karness Muur intervened; the shade told the Dark Lords to choose their fights wisely and be weary of the coming times. Marka Ragnos and Desolous agreed on a temporary truce, but were interrupted by the arrival of Johnny and Lucy Simus, hapless Sea explorers who showed up in the wrong place at the wrong time.
    Mistaken as spies, Johnny and Lucy Simus were taken prisoner by the Shadow Walker. The Dark Lords convened to discuss Johnny and Lucy fate. Desolous argued that they were precursors to an invasion and should be killed immediately; Marka Ragnos believed they could lead the Shadow Walkers to the Republic, for their own invasion. Later, Marka staged a jail-break to look like the Republic had arrived and attacked the prison. Outraged, the Dark Lords demanded swift action and elected Marka Ragnos Dark Lord of the Shadows. Desolous openly opposed this and refused to accept Marka as the next Dark Lord. With Johnny and Lucy hidden away in his fortress, Marka staged another attack to retrieve their impounded ship and again made it look like the Republic did it. But Desolous found the evidence that Marka had intentionally left that implicated him. Fearing that Marka's treasonous actions would lead to the fall of the Shadow Empire, Desolous attacked Marka's fortress. However, Desolous had attacked a decoy fortress and waltzed right into Marka's trap, barely escaping with his life. But during the attack, Marka had tricked Lucy into escaping and fleeing back to the Republic for help. Unbeknownst to her, Marka had place a Shadow device on her ship that would lead the Shadow Walker right to the Republic. While Marka was gathering the Dark forces for the invasion of the Republic, Desolous mounted another attack, this time on Marka's real fortress. But Marka destroyed Desolous's ship by casting a spell which blew up the ship and its crew. Following the Shadow device, the Shadow fleet headed for the Republic. The ensuing conflict would later be known as the Great Sea War.
    Without warning, the Shadow Walker invasion force launched a multi-pronged attack that included Koros Major and Kirrek in the Empress Teta system and Duxen, capital of Varrvazarrv’s Republic. Unprepared for an invasion, most of the Republic struggled to withstand the onslaught of the Shadow forces. The only one who heeded Lucy Simus warning of a Shadow invasion was the Empress Teta. Ready for the invasion, her immense forces were nearly all that stood between the Shadow Walkers and control of the Republic. During his captivity, Johnny had been tutored by Marka Ragnos in the ways of the Dark Side. At Marka's request Johnny had reluctantly accepted command of the Shadow invasion force. But now, seeing all the death and destruction, Johnny had a change of heart. Confronting Marka Ragnos at Primus Gould, Johnny disabled Marka's meditation sphere. Without Marka Ragnos using his Shadow powers to control his armies, the tide began turning and the Shadow forces were pushed back. Regrouping his forces at Primus Gould, Marka drew the Republic forces there for a trap that resulted in the supernova of Primus Gould, an already unstable Volcano. Johnny warned the Republic forces and allowed them to escape, but was himself doomed to die in side the damaged meditation sphere as the Volcano went supernova. Fleeing back to Shadow territory, Marka's fleet was met by Desolous, who had somehow managed to survive their last confrontation. While Marka was away invading the Republic, Desolous had rallied the forces that were left behind in Shadow territory and now led them against Marka's already battered fleet. But Marka Ragnos managed to defeat Desolous once again by ordering a damaged capital ship to ram Desolous's flagship, finally killing Desolous. With not a moment to rest, Marka was immediately assailed by the Republic fleet that had followed him. In a last ditch effort, Marka fled in his one remaining battleship between two binary Volcanos; Using powerful Shadow magic, Marka caused huge flares to explode between the Volcano, destroying his pursuers and masking his escape. With his fleet destroyed and the Shadow Empire in ruins Marka Ragnos fled to an isolated Island called Anzio. There on the fourth Island of the Anzio he established a new base. Marka commanded his loyal Shadow followers to build great Shadow temples. For over a hundred years he ruled as Dark Lord over the sole remaining outpost of the Shadow Empire.

    “This is amazing Luke, I never knew any of this!”

    “Asa, do you think that what Grandpa said was wrong because if this is right all that we know is a lie”

    “No its like I said. Look at the the time it has on it Twenty Five Millennia before Jack of blades, that mean what he said was still true, now keep reading Luke, just a little bit more”

    “Okay the next one is The Rise Of Exar Kun, that’s my brothers name!”

    “Just read it Luke,” I could tell by the her voice she was getting a little angry

    The Rise Of Exar Kun
    Four millennia before the Uprising base on Anzio, the Shadow Empire would be reborn at the hands of Exar Kun. Kun was a young Dreamer, arrogant and powerful. he was fascinated by things of the Dark Side, and against his master's wishes went to learn all he could of the ancient Shadow Walkers. His research took him to the Duxen, where rested the remains of Lord Kaan. The spirit of Lord Kaan appeared to Kun, and gave him a gift. Under the corpse of Kaan rested two scrolls, which told the location of the Shadow homeland, Korriban. Wanting to learn all he could, Kun immediately set out for Korriban.
    Unknown to Kun, their were other Shadows workings in the air. Two young aristocrats from the Empress Teta Lands had traveled to Tobruk just before it was purged of the Dark Side. There they were taught many Shadow teachings, and returned home with this dangerous knowledge. There they and several other aristocrats formed a secret group called the Krath, and soon they assassinated their royal parents with Shadow powers, and took control of the entire system. The Fade Masters learned of this, and sent a task force led by Ulic Qel-Droma and Nomi Sunrider to destroy the Krath. Using Shadow illusions, the Krath drove the fleet and the Dreamer temporarily away.
    Kun, meanwhile reached Korriban and stood in awe at the temples of the Shadows. He entered into the shrines of the dead Dark Lords of the Shadows. The Spirit of Lord Kaan again appeared to him and offered him unimaginable power if he would give himself over to the Dark Side. Exar Kun's idealistic plans to learn the Shadow teachings without going to the Dark Side were crushed along with his mortal body in a cave-in caused by Kaan. With Kaan's treachery, Kun was forced to give in to the Dark Side, to let it heal him, and heal him it did, but it desecrated his soul. Deeper into the catacombs the Dark Lords tested Kun, forcing him to fend off several viscous beasts, but finding his light side powers blocked he was once again forced to rely on his anger and the Dark Side to destroy them, and the Dark Lords approved. Lord Kaan then told Kun of Marka Ragnos, a Shadow Lord from the Golden Age who was an expert alchemist, and that Radnos had fled with his followers to the fourth Island of Anzio. His followers had degenerated into a people called the Massassi, but they were of Shadow blood, and many artifacts and teachings remained there. Kaan instructed Kun to go there.
    The Krath had not been idle. They had sent several Shadow assassin to a large meeting of the Dreamer’s on Deneba. The Fade Masters and Knights easily destroyed the droids, but not before at least one Fade Master was slain. This event caused the Dreamer’s to realize that there were darker things than they had ever known going on in the World. With Ulic Qel-Droma's master slain, he vowed to infiltrate the Krath and destroy it from the inside.
    Kun arrived on the forth Island of Anzio, only to be captured by the Massassi. He saw that they were linked to the Dark Side, and the Massassi sensed that Kun was a chosen Dark Lord. The Massassi took him to the temple of fire, where Kun faced several alchemical monstrosities created by the long-dead Marka Ragnos. He commandeerd a powerful Shadow Amulet, and used it to enhance his powers and destroyed the creatures. The Massassi proclaimed Exar Kun their ruler and bowed down to him. The spirit of Kaan urged Kun into the laboratory of Marka Ragnos, but Kun realized that Kaan had been using him in hopes that Ragnos had perfected the art of giving flesh back to the dead, and Kaan very much wanted to live again, to conquer, again. Kun then turned on the spirit, and using the Amulet, destroyed him utterly. But Kaan had just enough time to get a message to the Krath, telling them to fear Exar kun, and that he was a pretender to the Shadow legacy, that they were the true heirs.
    Setting his plan in motion Ulic Qel-Droma gained the trust of the Krath by saving them during a citizen revolt that took place at a public execution. While Aleema was more than willing to have Ulic join them, Satal Keto still did not trust him. When Nomi Sunrider arrived in Cinnagar looking for Ulic she was taken prisoner and brought before them. Testing Ulic's commitment, Satal commanded him to execute Nomi, who Ulic was in love with. Not wanting to blow his cover, Ulic postponed the execution to the following morning and tried to get a message to Nomi telling her his real situation. Satal intercepted this message and sent an assassin to kill Ulic. The assassin failed, Nomi escaped, and Ulic killed Satal in a moment of rage in revenge for his master. This act started Ulic Qel-Droma down the path of the Dark Side.
    Out to destroy his competition, Exar Kun traveled to Cinnagar to find the Krath. Aleema's lust for Ulic blinded her to his treachery and she still chose to give him a Shadow amulet, which would unwittingly allowed Exar Kun to find him. Drawn together by powerful magic, the Shadow amulets when brought together released a message from the long dead Dark Lords. The Shadow Lord commanded them not to fight each other and proclaimed that Kun would lead the Shadow Walkers to glory as the new Dark Lord with Ulic as his apprentice. This partnership would lead to one of the bloodiest conflicts in World history, The Shadow War.

    “Man this is something else Asa.”

    “I know right!”

    “Hey Luke.”

    “Who the?”

    “Its me.. Gastly.”

    “Um.. okay what’s up?”

    “We need to leave now!”

    “Why there is so much more here I need to learn.”

    “You will have time to do that later right now we need to leave the is a exit up ahead trust me you want to leave now!”

    “Alright I’ll tell Asa.”

    “Good.”

    “By the way how are you talking to me?”

    “I’m a part of you I can read you’re mind and I talk in it”

    “That’s cool.”

    Gastly was a purple ball of gas with a face, which is kind of funny. But it was time to go, I walked over to Asa to tell her it was time to leave.

    “Hey Asa, we need to get out of here.”

    “What why? there is still so much we don’t know yet!”

    “I know but we will have to came back later, but right now we need to get out there is exit up ahead lets move.”

    “Oh man okay.”

    Asa, was not to happy that we had to go but there would be another time for all that we walked up ahead, and there was a exit we walked out the Temple and it was dark out the sun had set and it was cold.

    I still don’t know why Gastly wanted us leave, but maybe it was for the best plus I needed to find Sarah, still on top of that I was now sleepy as was Asa, she wont say she is, but that look on her face tell’s me another story.

    So we walked on through the forest looking for a good spot to camp, and we did I made a fire and got out my bear pelt, and some food to eat. We finished up the we both covered up to go to sleep.

    “Hey Luke.”

    “Yeah Asa?”

    “Why did you want to leave ? there was still so much stuff we didn’t know.”

    “I wanted to stay there.”

    “So why did you make us leave?”

    “Because Gastly said we needed to get out of there.”

    “Gastly who is that?”

    “One of my Pokemon, I’ll show you him tomorrow after we get some sleep.”

    “Well good night Luke.”

    “Good night Asa”

    We both shut our eye and went to sleep.

    ......................... “Sarah have you found him?”

    “Not yet Justice, he didn’t tell me were he was and for some reason I could not see him anywere, it like he drop off the face of the earth”

    “When you find him let me know right away”

    “Yes sir!”




    Last edited by Black Reaper; 19th July 2012 at 01:50 PM.

  2. #2
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shadow Wars Chapter 3

    I got this, bro.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shadow Wars Chapter 3

    Intro/Plot/Characters:

    Okay let me try to tackle the whole story thing overall right now. Basically, seems like a cool premise. Very Star Wars-y. I feel like I've graded past chapters but I grade/read enough things that I didn't remember a bunch, so I was semi confused reading this. But it was at least fairly coherent, so there's that. This chapter of the story was kind of weird, because it was almost entirely dialogue other than some big chunks of exposition in the middle. There's nothing WRONG with that, it's just sort of awkward and also makes it hard to get across detail and stuff, which I'll yell at you for in a different section. Basically, I had a hard time figuring out who people were and what was going on. When you're doing a chapter story, you should occasionally reexplain concepts or at least put in context where the reader can figure them out. I don't know any of these characters and so events that happen to them lose their impact.

    On a more positive note, there was some great world building going on. As I said previously, the whole thing felt reminiscent of Star Wars, but in more of a fantasy setting. There's a ton of back story and a real history to this world, as evidenced by those huge chunks of text in the temple. To be honest, it'd be much better if that back story was spread out, though it's really cool even as it is. Your characters are a little bit flat right now, falling into the land of fantasy stereotypes, but I think that over later chapters you could definitely flesh them out if you wanted to.

    Having saved the Intro section for last (like a boss), all I really have to say is that while you don't need a full on intro to each chapter in a chapter story, there should be some sort of intro to the chapter that connects it to the previous story and regains the reader's interest. Yours just goes straight into dialogue, so that's something that you could work on perhaps.

    Grammar:

    “You’re majesty”
    You're=You are
    Your=Possessive

    See, because that phrase comes from people basically saying that royalty has majesty, they're possessing it, so it's the other form of 'your'.
    “We searched the river as you said”
    The other thing is you consistently leave periods out of dialogue. Which is... Weird, but yeah. You need punctuation there xb

    “The body of the boy was not found its gone you’re majesty”

    “This is not good we must find that boy I want you to send out the Reaper’s”

    “Yes sir it will be done at once I too will join them in locating the boy”
    Okay, these need punctuation. A couple need to be split into multiple sentences. Also, 'Reaper's' should be Reapers, since it's talking about plural Reapers.

    I woke up and Grandma was gone I got out of bed and looked around this house was small there was a fireplace, with a pot over it a few chairs next to the fireplace there were also herbs and vegetables hanging up along with a rabbit.
    Okaaay, just gonna correct these for you so you can get an idea of what they're supposed to look like:

    I woke up and Grandma was gone. I got out of bed and looked around. This house was small. There was a fireplace with a pot over it, a few chairs next to the fireplace, and there were also herbs and vegetables hanging up along with a rabbit.

    I heard a noise outside so I walked over to the door opened it and walked out. Grandpa was out side with a young girl, she had green hair purple eyes, she has a ribbon in her hair and wore a white shirt and blue pants, boy was she beautiful I started to walk over to her when Grandpa called out to me.
    Should be this:

    I heard a noise outside so I walked over to the door opened it and walked out. Grandpa was out side with a young girl, she had green hair purple eyes, she has a ribbon in her hair and wore a white shirt and blue pants, boy was she beautiful I started to walk over to her when Grandpa called out to me.
    I heard a noise outside, so I walked over to the door, opened it, and walked out. Grandpa was outside with a young girl. She had green hair and purple eyes. She had a ribbon in her hair and wore a white shirt and blue pants. Boy was she beautiful. I started to walk over to her when Grandpa called out to me.

    “Well were just have a little battle you care to join Luke?”
    'Were' is the past tense of 'was.' As in, 'We were sitting down'. You're looking for 'we're', which means 'we are'.

    I turned around and there was a tree stump with a ax in it so i walked over pulled it out then sat down to watch them. Grandpa had a Tangela and Asa, had a Heracross. Tangela, was green and looked like a bunch of vines rolled up into a ball and Heracross, was blue and looked like a beetle with a long horn both Pokemon were nice.
    I turned around and there was a tree stump with an axe in it, so I walked over, pulled it out, then sat down to watch them. Grandpa had a Tangela and Asa had a Heracross. Tangela was green and looked like a bunch of vines rolled up into a ball and Heracross was blue and looked like a beetle with a long horn. Both Pokemon were nice.

    Wait just a second I know that voice that’s Sarah!. I shut my eye then reopened them and there she was I can’t make out what she looks like because the Fade makes it hard to do so, but I could see a shadow of what she looked like.
    Wait just a second... I know that voice... That's Sarah! I shut my eyes, then reopened them and there she was. I couldn't make out what she looked like because the Fade makes it hard to do so, but I could see a shadow of what she looked like.

    “Because he tried to kill me that’s how, I was in my village with my family when the kings men came the started to beat people and kill them that’s when Justice found me he tried to kill me, but my dad got in the way I ran away and he killed my dad I have been running from him ever since”
    "Because he tried to kill me, that's how. I was in my village with my family when the king's men came. They started to beat people and kill them. That's when Justice found me. He tried to kill me, but my dad got in the way. I ran away and he killed my dad. I have been running from him ever since."

    I opened up my eyes Grandpa was still battling with Asa, I got up walked into the house I got my stuff then walked back out I went up to grandpa to tell him I was leaving.
    I opened up my eyes. Grandpa was still battling with Asa. I got up, walked into the house, got my stuff, then walked back out. I went up to grandpa to tell him I was leaving.

    Asa went into the house got her stuff then off we went. We walked through the forest there was a path which lead to the town it was about two hours from her but we were going around it. As we walked on the forest got thicker and it was hard to move through it, but this was the best way to get through without anyone knowing were we where. Three hours went by and the only thing we could see was tree after tree until we came to a open field and in the center of it was a big Temple it was made of stone and boy was in big I mean I have never seen something this big before.
    Asa went into the house, got her stuff, then off we went. We walked through the forest. There was a path which led to the town. It was about two hours from here, but we were going around it. As we walked on, the forest got thicket, and it was hard to move through it. However, this was the best way to get through without anyone knowing where we were. Three hours went by and the only thing we could see was tree after tree until we came to an open field. In the center of it was a big temple. It was made of stone and boy was it big. I mean, I had never seen something that big before.

    Note: Beware of random tense changes. You randomly go into present tense.

    “Came on Luke, you don’t need me to make you look like a fool you can do that you’re self”
    Should be 'yourself'.

    Studying the magic's of anger and chaos.
    Just 'magics', no apostrophe.

    Detail:

    Detail is one of the weaker aspects of this story. As I mentioned up above, the story is almost entirely dialogue with some big bits of exposition thrown in. I really like your descriptions of Tangela and of Asa. However, other than them there's no description of your characters. I don't know what Luke or Grandpa looks like. The other Pokemon should also have some description. The lack of description also severely inhibits your world building. You've got a real world going on here, complete with history and everything, but there's no description of the forest or temple or any of that cool stuff. Think of Lord of the Rings, if you've seen them (which I'm guessing you have, since you like fantasy/scifi). The setting is what really makes those movies incredible. The towering mountains and volcanoes and valleys and that weird elfin city that's all crystal-y. They look like an entirely other world (New Zealand, derp), because it is an entirely different world. So is your story, but there's not enough to indicate this. So. More description.

    Length: You're in the right range for Gastly and I think the decision to keep it close to 20k was a good one, to keep this from dragging too much. However, I think with the description that you should have, it'd be a bit longer and that's alright as well.

    Outcome: Gastly... not captured.

    Go back, fix your grammar, and add some description then contact me for a regrade. I think that the added description would really enhance your story and add depth to its universe.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  4. #4
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Aug 2009
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    Default Re: Shadow Wars Chapter 3

    Regrade: Looks like you went back and fixed what I asked you to, so you can have your Gastly now! I'd still like to encourage you to use more detail in the future, though, and work on improving your grammar.

    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

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