Shadow Wars Chapter 2
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    Default Shadow Wars Chapter 2

    Shadow Wars
    Chapter 2
    I am Justice!




    The pain, terrible pain. It’s what I dream, it's what I see when I close my eyes, but why? I don’t understand. I have a purpose in this world, a great purpose. So why do I feel this pain. I try my best not to think about it, but I can’t help it. These dreams are on my mind, and I can’t get rid of them. Maybe there is something I can do about them. Maybe that’s my purpose; to stop this pain and suffering before it comes true.

    “Hey, Luke, are you okay over there?”

    “Yeah, I’m fine ,Exar, it’s nothing to worry about.”

    “Okay, by the way, dad is looking for you.”

    “Okay, I’ll go see him.”

    I jump down out of the tree I was in. I liked this tree, it had a lot of leaves so it was easy for me to hide if I wanted too, and it was easy climb. Plus, if you are going all the way up to the top you can see the valley. I was starting to like it here. The trees are bigger than houses, and the fresh air smell you get every morning, practically divine. It was all so nice, but there was a down side.

    Since we got here I have been having dreams, and in all of them it’s the something: pain and suffering. People dying, cites destroyed, it’s all I feel anymore. I can’t help but feel like all of that is my fault. I don’t know how, I just do.

    Well, I had better go see what dad wants, I though to myself as I began to walk back to the house.

    The ground was nice and soft from the rain, and the sun was shining bright in the sky. I was down hill from the house. Walking up to the house is fun. There is a Teddiursa that lives around here, and every day I walk back up to the house the little brown bear Pokemon follows me. I feed it sometimes just for the fun of it, but I know its mom is around. I’ve seen her once, and that was when she was chasing Exar for going near her cave.

    I got up the hill, and the house was in sight. It was just a small little thing, with a front porch and fireplace. The house is surrounded with long, thick, green grass just the way I like it, and we have a small stream which runs down the hill on the side of the house. On the left side of the house there is a tree stump, which we use to chop wood. We have a little house built on the side were we put the wood so it does not get wet. Other then that it’s just a normal wood house, brown of course.

    I walked in the house to see what dad wanted, and mom was there also in the living room sitting down. I could tell by the look on their faces that something was wrong. Exar and Revan walked in behind me. I went into the room and Exar and Revan followed me. We sat down, and dad stood up then spoke to us.

    “Okay I guess you want to know why you are here? and the answer is simple. It’s now time for you to go, and before we continue. I need to tell you who you are and what is going on so, let us start from the beginning. A long time ago Shadow Walkers lived in peace with people. We had a Guild where people like you ,Luke, went to train and learn to use you’re powers all was good, but there were some people that didn’t like the Guild, they wanted to destroy it and with it all Shadow Walker.

    They didn’t care how old you were, nor who you were they wanted all Shadow Walker dead, but the people wanted Shadow Walker we help the people and they helped us, and because of that were safe. Or so we thought, It wasn’t long before Dukes, and land owners came together and decided they wanted a King, one that could get rid of the Guide once, and for all. But we weren't stupid when the Dukes and land owners went to vote we told the people what was going on, and they were not happy with it at all. The land owners which were just Rich people at the time found out what we had done, so they took it before the people and said that the king was for them so, instead of having a bunch of people disagreeing on one thing the King could have over all say. So the people agreed, but they said that if this was a way to get rid of the Guide they would not allow it to happen.

    This made it a lot harder to get rid of us, but they didn’t give up six years went by, and the new King was doing well, and the people liked having a king around as did we. A lot of stuff got done with the new king in power until a man they called Jack of blades, showed up were he came from we don’t know, but he made lot of trouble for the Guild. Jack of blades started to cause a lot of chaos in the land the Guild was done with him once and for all. The Guild was going to kill him but the king said would could do nothing about it so, we didn’t move on him. One night the Guild was set on fire at first we thought it was accident, that was until a woman from the outer village went to the Guild, and told us that the fire was not a accident. When we ask what she had saw she told us she was out that night, and that ,Jack of blades, did it. This woman saw Jack do it so now we had reason to kill him. We took if before the king and he said we were lying that this was just a way to get rid of him, no one in the Guild liked what the king had done.

    So we took it before the people to let them know what was going on, but it was too late. Jack had killed three Shadow Walker and destroyed a city, and then said we did it the king declared us to be outlaws, then he ordered the Guild to be destroyed, and with it all Shadow Walker. We were now at War the people tried to get rid of us, and the king had his own Shadow Walker that were obedient to him. This war went on for ten years before we lost. With the people against us there was no hope of winning so, the Shadow Walker went into hiding and the last of the Shadow Walker were hunted down and killed, or so they thought. And that is were you come into play Luke.”

    “I don’t get it? how do I come into play here. If the Shadow Walker were hunted down how am I a Shadow Walker?”

    “Good question, you are born a Shadow Walker son its in you’re blood all farther pass there gift down to there sons. My dad was it you ,Exar, and ,Revan, are all Shadow Walker too.”

    “Bu,t Exar, and ,Revan, don’t have powers like I do.”

    “Yes they do son, they just have to learn how to use them. Now like I said before its time for you all to go.”

    “Go were dad?”

    “Exar, and ,Revan, will go too Varrvazarrv. I have told them what to do already. As for you ,Luke, you will go too Duxen, its a city built into a mountain there you will find one of you’re generals there. His name is ,Galbatorix, he is also a Shadow Walker and a master of ground Pokemon now, I have a map here it will tell you how to get to Duxen. But know this its not going to be a walk in the park. There are six generals you must find once you find ,Galbatorix, send him back here. From there you will have to look for the others by yourself do you understand?”

    “Yeah I guess so dad, but what do I need generals for?”

    “Your purpose is to restore the Shadow Walkers and the Guild, but to do that you have to fight the king for power and when you win, peace will return to the land. Now, go you’re stuff is waiting for you outside. Get going, son, and be carfuel out there. your mother and I will be waiting for you to return.”

    “Alright, good bye mom and dad.”

    I got up and walked out side with ,Exar, and ,Revan, they got there stuff and left. I began to walk down the southern path, I was going to miss the big oak tree, and the freash air. As I walk away I took my time to enjoy the thing around me, there were some dead tree, but most of them are huge and thick with big green leafs on them. The sun was still shining that made the tree, and bushes sparkle because of the rain water which gathered on them. Seeing the sun light reflect off tree to tree lit up the forest, which was nice because you only get to see something this beautful once maybe twice, in a life time.

    I got to the end of the forest, from here its nothing but field of grass which is not so bad. The grass is about five feet tall, well in this part of the land it is. As I walked through the field a calm breeze blows by me, and boy did I enjoy it as, I walked the grass got smaller, and smaller. I got to the eastern part of the feilds and the grass here was shorter, it was about one foot now. This was a perfect place for grass Pokemon to play in, and with any luck I might find one I like Vulpix it was a good Pokemon, but I wanted something more me like a rock Pokemon. Rock were my favorite type. I heard a sound coming from up ahead, I went to see what it was when I got their I saw a pond, with Tympole in it splashing about, but that was not the sound I heard. I looked around one more time and I spotted a Buizel, diving into the pond.

    The little orange weasel Pokemon was having fun in the water, which must have been the sound I heared. So I left the Pokemon to play with its self, and continued on pass it. The sun was now setting it was time to make camp, I stopped picked up some rock and make a circle out of them, I then went and got some fire wood and took it back, put it in the middle of the circle. I closed my eyes and concentrated as hard as I could I put my hand over the wood, made a fist after a few second I opened my eye the my fist, and a small flame was in the palm of my hand. I’v been working on that a lot, but my wind power is better and easier to use. Dad said because it a defense I got so if I have no Pokemon, I could still fight and that all Shadow Walker get a power like that.

    I put my hand under the wood and set it on fire, I unpack my food and began to eat some bread and meat. I have a long journey ahead of me plus I had to go through Meteor falls, and I didn’t like the idea of being in a cave by myself. Which now that I thing about it Vulpix was fire so, I would have light to get through it, but for now it was time to sleep. I closed my eyes and drifted off into a slumber.

    “Hello, who’s there?”

    “Who are you?” asked Luke.

    “I asked first.”

    ”That you did, I’m Luke and you are who?”

    “I’m Sarah, who are you, and how did you get here?”

    “Well, this is the Fade, right?”

    “Well yes, but normal people can’t come to this part of the Fade. So I’ll ask again, how did you get here?”

    “I’m a Shadow Walker so, I can move through the Fade when ever I want now, how did you get here?”

    “A Shadow Walker umm... Well I’m a Shadow Walker too. Who would have thought I would run into another one haha!”

    “Okay, well its nice meeting you but I gotta go, bye!”

    “Wait! umm... can you stay a little longer, I mean there’s no rush right?”

    “Well, I guess I can. What do you want do?”

    “Just talk, it’s not every day you meet some one like us.”

    “Its not all fun trust me”

    “I’m all by my self, hey maybe we can find each other two Shadow Walkers is better then one”

    “Well I don’t see the harm in it”

    ”Okay, were are you!”

    “Well if you can make it I’ll be in Meteor Falls tomorrow”

    “Okay I’ll be at the end of it waiting for you, this will be fun”

    “Yeah sure it will, see you tomorrow”


    I woke up to rain falling on my face, the sound of thunder roar through skys as the rain poured down on my head. I packed my stuff when something caught my eye, but I had no time I started heading for Meteor Falls, I was about ten minutes away from it so I ran as fast as I could. I didn’t want to get hit with lighting, and with my luck there was a high chance of that happing. The thunder continued to raor through the skys, and it began to hail. Grass lands like this could use heavy rain like this, but I wanted to stay dry. The cave was in my site, I made a final dash for it when I a flash of light shot in front of me. The light was so bright and the smell of it was like burning hair, I jumped back just in time for the lighting to missed me. I got in to the cave and I was soaked so, I use my Vulpix’s power and heated up my body. Within seconds I was dry.


    Now I could see what was wrong with me, I slammed both hands together and forumed wisp of fire, the wisp was blue but bright. I then took out a mirror and looked at my hair, and it had white streaks mixed in with the black, I didn’t know what to think. I put down the mirror and that’s when I realized. My hair was not the only thing that had changed about me, I had gotten a little taller and I was stronger my muscles, were no longer little I was buff now I didn’t even realize It. this was cool. But that’s enough with me I had to keep going.

    The cave was pitch black, so I concentrated my power. My fist began to flash red until it was engulf in a flame, which I used to light my way. The cave walls were nice, and smooth and the ground under my feet was loose you could see tracks on the ground were Pokemon were digging tunnels. Problem was these tracks were freash which means what ever Pokemon made them, might still be here so I will have to be more careful. Plus some Pokemon looked like rock, so watching were I stepped would be a nice idea for me. I got too a split in the cave there were four ways I could go, so I went to the far right side. And there was a deap slope I slid down right in to water, it was shallow water I picked myself and walked on. There were spikes sticking out of the water, but just barley one trip and I would be done for, I didn’t mind being here by myself, but I could here nothing but my own foot steps it was like no one was in here, but me.

    That was until I saw a shadow in front of me, I stopped to hear what it was but there were no foot steps. There was a ledge a few feet in front of me, I went over to it and pulled myself up out of the water, when I heard a voice “Gastly!” I stopped and turn to my side. And there it was a floting purple ball with a face on it. It was just looking at me. “Gastly!” the Pokemon called out to me, I had the feeling that this Pokemon wanted to battle me. I tried to move pass it, but it block my way, then a purple ball of dark energy with yellow forks of lightening pulsing through it forumed in front of it.

    Which took only a second before the Pokemon launched it at me ,I had no idea what it was but I didn’t want to find out. I moved out of the way when the ball hit the wall it blew a hole in, I knew then it did want to battle, I put up my hands and fired a ball of fire at it the Pokemon didn’t move out of the way, but when the fire ball hit it did nothing. The ball went right through it, and hit the cave wall. I was now in trouble my attack could not hit this Pokemon, I remember dad said Ghost Pokemon are hard to hit because they can let an attack pass right through them, which made them hard to battle. I had a idea would it work? well I was about to find out, I forumed two wisps in the palm of my hands then, tossed them into the air were they hovered over my head. Gastly didn’t seem to care about them it began to forum another dark energy ball this one was bigger then the last.

    Gastly shot the energy ball at my again. I countered attack it was time to use some force with a Flamethrower. I slammed my hands together shut I then forumed a red orb of fire in my mind. I focused my energy in my palms, I could feel the energy pulsing throughout my body gathering in my hands, I could now feel the fire within me. I then opened my eye and my, arms and hands were all on fire but my skin didn’t burn I opened my hands, and a orange flame burned in my palms. I pushed forwards and that orange flame turned into a long stream of fire. It roared through the cave like a great best hungry for it pray, and it headed right for Gastly’s energy ball.

    Both moves crashed together, my Flamethrower, attack was more powerful it went right through Gastly’s attack and hit Gastly. “Gastly!” The attack was weak because it hit Gastly’s energy ball first, but it still did some damage and that’s when I realized, that Gastly could make my move pass through him, but when it wanted to attack it was opened for me to attack. I made two balls of fire one in each hand then waited for Gastly to attack, the Ghost Pokemon glared at with its piercing eyes then, I began to get dizzy and sick that when I realized that, Gastly was use a Confuse Ray attack on me. I didn’t feel good and I couldn’t move to good, Gastly took the opportunity to make a Shadow ball then fired it at me. It was like time slowed down I could see the attack coming, butI could do nothing about it I put up my hand to try a block it, but I was moving to slow the ball hit me. I felt a burn in my belly as the attack hit me, I was lifted up and thrown back into the cave wall then, it was like a time snap I felt the pain in my lower back, and belly Gastly was coming for me, and had forgot about the wisps which were now behind it. I took my hand and made a swinging motion at Gastly the wisps shot through the air and hit Gastly in the back, “Gastly!!” the Pokemon cried in pain.

    I then put together both hand for the last time, and concentrated all my power into the palms of my hands then launched my Flamethrower, attack at the Ghost Pokemon. The flames raored through the cave like thunder in the sky. it only took a few seconds for the attack to hit Gastly, the Ghost Pokemon hit the ground and fainted I had no strength left, but I pulled myself and walked over the Gastly I fell to my knees and put my hands on the Ghost Pokemon, the bond began I held on as much I could but I didn’t think I would be able to much longer, but I didn’t have to. The bond was done that Pokemon wanted to bond with me. I could feel it in side me happy to be here, but I was done for I need to rest I lade down and went to sleep right there. ........................

    Two hours Later...........

    “Hello, are you alive? Hello!!!!!!!”

    “Meh, damn I fell like crap.”

    “Well look at that, you are alive hahaha!”

    “Who are you?”

    “Me? well that’s easy, I’m Drilbur who are you?”

    “I’m Luke, wait just a minute!, you’re a Pokemon?”

    “Yeah, what did you think I was a fish? come on.”

    “Am I in the Fade?”

    “No, your in the real world why?”

    “Then, who am I talking to you?”

    “Well, my guess is you bonded with a Ghost, or Psychic, Pokemon why?”

    “Oh that how so, I can now talk to Pokemon?”

    “Yeah, as long as you want to, You can use the power of you’re Pokemon to communicate with other Pokemon.”

    “Well I feel a little better now, hey do you know the way out?”

    “Yeah, I can take if you want?”

    “That would be great lets go!”

    The little gray and white mole Pokemon led the way happy as could be. My energy way returning to me, and I felt better then before guess that nap did a lot of help. The little mole Pokemon began to tell me its story as we walked.

    “I have one brother you know, he gets to have all the fun he go’s out and plays with friends, and do cool stuff. Plus mom won’t let me leave to cave, but I do when ever I want too don’t say a word okay I don’t want to get in trouble. You know I almost got eaten by a Fearow, I was outside and I wanted to go into the wood down by the river, but it would take to long for me to walk so, when I found the Fearow he tried to eat me!. Do you know how I stopped him?”

    “I have no idea.”

    “I have a Gem, flying Pokemon love shinny things that way they can make there nest look better then other nest, with them the better nest gets the mate so I give Fearow the Gems, and he does not eat me plus he gives me rides on his back so I can go were ever I want its cool!”

    “I’ll bet it is.”

    As we walked through the cave I looked like we were in the same as we were before, if I didn’t know better I would say we were going in circles.

    “Dribur.”

    “What’s up?”

    “Are we going in circles?”

    “No, why do you ask?”

    “Becuase this tunnle looks the same as before, I can’t tell were we are.”

    “That okay most people get lost in here to unless, they have been here before, plus this is not the normal way to go.”

    “What do you mean by that?”

    “This tunnle was made by a Onix, he has two of these over here.”

    “Does Onix use this tunnle?”

    “Well, yeah that’s why he made it, but don’t worry he want to go see his mom today and she is way down under so we are cool lets go.”

    We marched on until we came to a hole in the ground Drilbur looked at me then jumped down, I jumped as well we landed in some water, then swam to shore I got Drilbur pointed at a light “ There’s the end” he called I was done with this cave on I go.

    “Okay Drilbur thanks for you’re help.”

    “I’m coming with you.”

    “What! no you’re not.”

    “Yeah I am I got you out of the cave now, you owe me I want to come with you.”

    “Look I just bonded with a Pokemon, I don’t know if I can do it again right now.”

    “I don’t want to bond with you, I said I was coming with you how to you get bond out of that?”

    “So you don’t want to bond, you just want to travel with me?”

    “Yup!”

    “Well I guess its okay.”

    “Good I’m going to get a rid from Fearow I’ll meet you down the hill got it?”

    “Yeah sounds good to me.”

    Drilbur took off, and I started walking on when I remenbered That girl her name was Sarah, and she wanted to meet with me out side the cave. I would wait around but if she didn’t show I was moving on without her. I waited for a half hour, but she still didn’t show so I moved on the landscape around here was all rocky with a few trees, but that was all I moved down the hill slowly with all these rock there was no telling which one was loose. And I didn’t want to caused a rock slide. I finally got down the hill their was a cliff on my right side, below it was a river, I took out my map on it was the river and a bridge, which was little further up ahead. So I walked on the only thing I saw was trees boulders, but I got to the bridge at last from here it was a strait shot to Duxen. I was about to cross when someone came across it the man was in white armor, and he had a large hammer in his right hand. The armor had marks in it that I didn’t recognized, but if I had to guess I would say he was a knight of the old republic based on the way he looked and walked. The man got across the bridge then spoke to me.

    “So, we meet at last Luke!”

    “Who are you? and how do you know my name.”

    “I am Justice! and you shall not leave here alive.”

    “What ever get out of my way, I don’t have time for this freak.”

    I started to walk for the bridge when, Justice lifted up his hammer to the sky then slammed in into the ground. The force of that hammer hitting the ground was like a sonic wave, the ground moved like a wave I didn’t have time to move out the way it hit me and it felt like someone dropped a boulder on me. The force of the wave picked me up and through in to a tree which got knock over, I got up and he was walking over to me this guy wanted me dead, but I wasn’t going out without a fight I put together both of my hand, forumed a flame in my palms I pushing my hands forward and from it came a great fire which burned bright and it roared the the air like a dragon, it hit Justice and did little damage to him if any at all. I couldn’t stand that much the wave had broken my ribbs, and my leg. Just then a little black thing hit Justice in the face. It was Drilbur, I didn’t know were he came from but I was glad to see him.

    “Why, you little!” Said Justice

    I could tell he was mad now, Drilbur jumped into the air then came back down using his earth power he made a Earthquake. The ground opened up and Justice fell into it the Drilbur used his power and shut the gap he made, the began to attack Justice slashing at his face and part of his body, with his claws. I got up and used my wind power. I had learned how to make my wind into blades I could cut through stuff using it. my wind power cut Justice a few times then lightening shot from the sky, and hit right on top of Justice and broke him free. He got up and took his hammer, and slammed it into Drilbur the pour little guy went flying off the edge screaming in pain. Justice then turned to me and, used a thundershoke attack on me I fell to the ground in pain, but I still had a fight in me. Justice walked over to me, grabbed me and through me in the air, then he aimed his hammer at me and the sound of thunder filled the air. I saw a flash of light then A sharp pain in my side, I flew over the cliff and fell to my death, this was the end of me I could fell it as I fell I got cold and numb, then it when black. Justice walked over to the cliff to make sure I was dead.

    “Well that was easier then I thought, Justice is now served!”


    One hour later..........

    “Oh dear! what has happen to you child, we best get you in side.”

    I opened my eyes, and there was a woman next to my bed she had on white dress her hair was long and brown, her eyes were blue I had never seen her before so, I asked he who she was.

    “Hello, who are you? and where am I?”

    “Oh good your awake, it good to her you’re voice ,Luke, I didn’t think you would make it through the week.”

    “Okay, that still doesn’t tell me who you are?

    “I’m you’re Grandmother Luke.”

    “Grandma, but I don’t remember having one.”

    “Well if you want to know more about that, talk with your Grandfather, but for now you must rest dinner will be done soon.”

    I didn’t understand mom and dad never told me I had Grandparents, why would they keep that from me?. A old man walked in the room I guess that was Grandpa, it had to be, his hair was white just like mine was turning, and his eyes were a bright Green emerald color just like me, if I had any doubts that these were my Grandparents they were going away and fast. The old man put down his thing and walk over to my bed he sat down next me and spoke.

    “Hello, Luke, are you feeling better?”

    “Yes I am, but were am I how did I get here?”

    “I pulled you out of the river, you’re lucky too, when I found you there was only a little life left in you’re body. If I had not found you when I did you would be dead right now, which is why I need to know what hapen to you and who did this to you?”

    “Were do I start.”

    “From the beginning.”

    “Okay, about one month ago I went to sleep I thought I was in a dream but there was some girl there talking to me. She told me I was in the Fade, and that I was a Shadow Walker, then she told me I had a great purpose in this life and that one day I would have to fulfill it. She told me that day was fast approaching.”

    “Okay what happen that day, did you go into the Fade again?”

    “Yeah I did I was taking the flock out the brightwall forest that’s when I fell asleep again, but when I was talking with the girl she told me danger was coming, and that I need to wake up and defend my self. I woke up and the was a Tyranitar right next to me I got the flock out of there, and it chased us, I got back to the farm and told mom what had happen my brother ,Exar Ku,n was out side being chased by it until mom got there. I had no idea she had powers, her arm turned into a vine and that’s when the battle began, the Tyranitar lost the fight the park Rangers came and got Tyranitar and took it back to the park, dad came home I told him what happen and then he told us to pack up our stuff, because we were leaving.

    So we took off to the safe house and we have been there training dad got me a Vulpix, and I battle with it I won of course then bonded with it. And that how I got here dad wanted to talk with me ,Exar, and ,Revan, he told us it was time to leave he sent them to Varrvazarrv, and I was going to Duxen, to get one of my general he said once I found him I was to send him back, and go look for the rest of them I’m this leader and he wants me to fight a war, and I don’t know what to do. So I did what he wanted I set off to Duxen, I had to go through Meteor Falls.

    But once I did I would have a straight shot to Duxen, easy as that or so I thought when I got in the cave I ran into the Pokemon called Gastly, it wanted to bond with me so I battled it and it was hard, but I won I had no strength left, so i went to sleep. That when I went to the Fade again this time there was another girl there she told me her name was Sarah, so I was going to just leave her but she asked me to stay so, I did I told her I was a Shadow walker, she seemed surprised by it to then it took her a few seconds before she said she was one too, and that she was all alone, she asked me if she could meet me at the end of the cave and come with me.

    I didn’t care so, I said yes when I got out the cave I waited for her but she didn’t show, so I started walking to the bridge near the cave and when I got there a man was walking across the bridge he was in old armor to tell you the truth he looked like he was from K. O. T. O. R. and his hammer was big. When he got across he looked at me and said, “ So, we meet at last Luke!” I had idea who he was but he knew me, I asked who he was and he said,”I am Justice! and you shall not leave here alive!” I thought he was joking until he attack me. I didn’t stand a chance against him he crushed Drilbur and me the last thing I remember. I was thrown through the air then I heard thunder after that I felt a sharp pain in my side, then I blacked out, and woke up here and that’s all.”

    “Well, that I did not expect, but first thing you should know is that you are not a Shadow Walker.”

    “What do you mean I’m not a Shadow Walker, my dad said I was.”

    “That is the other thing you need to know, that man is not you’re father. Your father was killed when you were just a baby. The night your father was killed your mother tried to protect you, but she could not Shadow Walker took you away from her and she has been looking for ever since that night, hoping that one day she will find you. Now, I take it this dad of yours told you about Shadow Walker and the guild?”

    “Yes.”

    “Well, I know what they tell people so, if you want to know the truth I will tell you it?”

    “Yeah, I want to know!”

    “Okay then. What that man told ou was not a lie, but it was becuase he didn’t tell you everything. It true that some people didn’t want us around, but that was because we didn’t allow them to take advantage of the good people so, they wanted a King to get rid of us as you know, the people allow a king and things were going good the same people that wanted the king asked if he would get rid of the guild, but he didn’t he liked having us around but there were rules every one need rules, but some people in the guild didn’t wanted ruls they wanted to do want ever they wanted to do.

    That was not going to happen a man named Jack of blades was once a Dreamer which is what were are called, but he got tired if following the rules he convinced a lot of Dreamers that he should be in charge and that the people were against us, and that order needed to be restored. That’s how the Shadow War begun, Jack tried to kill the king but he failed to do so, that’s when Justices showed up, he battled Jack and killed him. What we didn’t know at the time was that Justices, was a Angle sent here by the Lord, and he was not the only one they are eight Angles on this world which were sent by the Lord, Justices and the other Angles have been here longer then anyone so why he helped us, I don’t know but that’s the long story cut short.”

    “But I want to know more who is my mom, were is she and how do you know all this?”

    “Questions you will get you’re answers, but not from me you will have to find these thing by you’re self its better that way. Now, if you want I can show you how to use you’re powers and you can become a Dreamer, or you can stay here and when you get better you can finish what you were doing but for now, I want you to go back to sleep and think about what you are going to do, but remember this you can stop those dream or you can make them came true.”

    Grandpa got up and walked away, I knew what he said was true some how I just knew, but wait just a second how did he know about the dreams I’m having? I didn’t tell him. That does not matter, Grandma walked over to me she had a bowl of soup in her hands, she sat down and gave the she talked to me.

    “Are you feeling better at all?”

    “Yeah, but I want to know more that’s not enough.”

    “I know it can be hard to understand, so just go with it for now, when you’re ready he will tell you what you want to know, have some patient. And eat that soup Chansey will be over here in a minute to change you’re bandages okay?”

    “I understand, thanks for all this.”

    “Your welcome now, eat up you need you’re strength.”

    I started to eat the soup it was amazing I loved it, but I couldn’t help but about what Grandpa said about my dreams. Was I the cause of all that pain and death I didn’t want to think about it. Just the thought of that mad me sick to my stomach so, I finished my soup put bowl on the night stand next to the bed closed my eyes and went to sleep.....



    Castle Varrvazarrv, the throne room.......

    “Your majesty, it is done the boy is now dead.”

    “Are you sure Justice, because if you’re wrong and that boy gathers all of his generals we may not be able to stop him so, I will ask one last time are you sure he is dead?”

    “I watched him fall over the cliff side and I hit him with my thunder attack which blew a hole right through him so, yes I am sure he is dead you’re majesty.”

    “Okay but I want you to send a team out, and get the body just in case.”

    “I understand you’re majesty it will be done.”............................




    Last edited by Black Reaper; 16th August 2012 at 01:33 PM.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Shadow Wars Chapter 2

    Mine.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



  3. #3

    Default Re: Shadow Wars Chapter 2

    Introduction:

    The introduction was pretty interesting, despite the grammatical errors. What made this introduction stand out was the mental description of Luke. This just doesn’t include the pain, but the dreams as well. These things together make the reader wonder what direction the story will be taking. Having mystery in a story is something readers like, they don’t like to know exactly what is happening.

    What could have made the introduction stand out was the addition of a few things to the story. I’ll discuss this more later, but it would have been nice to have some description on the people in the story. They were blank spots throughout, I had no inkling of what they looked like. It’s never a good idea to conceal the features of a character without a reason to. For instance, they wear a mask and we later find out that they wear a mask because of facial scarring, or something along those lines. Now, while including description of the main character in the beginning is something that it’s required, it can be included later, but by including the detail immediately the reader can start to get an image of who the character is and how he or she acts.

    Furthermore, the reader being thrust directly into the story isn’t always a bad thing, but when you do so you really have to add a few things afterwards. What could have worked here is that after Luke was heading towards his dad you could have included a few things about his character’s life up to this point. I don’t mean that you need to launch into a complete story about Luke, but included things like his age, what he does, what he plans to do. Just things that can make the reader like the character better, and so that they get to know him better. The point behind this is that if the reader likes the characters in the story they are more likely to stick around and finishing reading, which is one of your goals as a writer.

    Another point is that what I talked above can be applied to Exar and Reven during this part of the story. They weren’t really mentioned afterwards other than to say that they had to do their own quest. Because you chose to include you should really have some information on them. As of now, they could have been deleted from the story and it wouldn’t have mattered in the slightest. If they are in the story they should be a part of it, just a passing mention about them isn’t good enough, especially for a story of this rank.

    In review, most of the elements of a solid introduction were present in the story, but somewhere missing and some needed to be further developed. Because this is a complex rank Pokemon the introduction really needs to be developed. The reader should be able to read the opening and be informed about the important points of the story, and they weren’t here.

    Plot:

    I both liked and disliked the plot. The idea behind the story of the Shadow Walkers and Dreamers is interesting and original, but your execution of those elements was lacking. The main thing was that neither of these ‘entities’ was completely explained in the story. It felt like that as a reader I was given a quick rundown on what they were without fully satiating my curiosity of the issues.

    For instance, during the opening of the story when you first start explaining the Shadow Walker concept you talk about the powers of those gifted. You didn’t explain what those powers were though, there was absolutely nothing that told me of their capabilities. Your story focused so much on the Shadow Walkers that by missing this piece you really hindered one of the important elements of the story. This has to be explained, there is no excuse for it not having the information needed. A second piece that ties into this one is the Fade. We don’t know what the Fade is either. It’s clear that Luke can go there when he is sleeping, but beyond that we nothing about this either. All these elements needed to be explained in some fashion because you are the author using these terms that aren’t in common usage and aren’t real. You shouldn’t assume that the reader automatically knows about the things you are talking about, this pieces should all be explained ot the best of your ability.

    Another piece of the future of this series is the generals. In this chapter Luke must set out to find Galbatorix, which he doesn’t this chapter. However, the problem lies in that the ‘father’ said Luke had to find the generals to battle and overthrow the King, but you don’t explain this generals. If the Shadow Walkers were defeated after a long period of ten years, how do six generals remain in power? Maybe they are generals of the King, but you never say who they represent. For all we know the generals belong to a former army, we just don’t know. Since Luke is setting out to find these people we need to know about them, and we just don’t know anything about them.

    Now, this is a lesser point, but one that still has traction. You have Luke traveling to Duxon to find the general, which is all good, but don’t have a layout of the land. What I mean by this is that we don’t need a detailed map of the kingdom or nation, but we should have a general picture. For instance, is Duxon in the south or north? Also, where exactly does Luke start his journey from? The reader should be able to get their bearing, just knowing where the main character is going isn’t enough.

    This seems to be a trend, but another section of the story that wasn’t explained was Justice, a knight of the old republic. You never once explained what the old republic was. Far as we aware, the land was once ruled by Dukes, who would essential make up the laws for their own territories. A republic is a party run by the people who elect their leaders, that was never the case here from what I can read. This can mean that Justice hails from another nation, but just like before it has to be explained as well, you don’t want to leave the reader guessing about this things.

    The ending of the story was well explained about the true origins of Luke, which did help the story make more sense, and that was a really good thing. I also liked how you ended the story with a conversation between a Justice and the King, it made for a decent cliffhanger of the story. You do need a break between the end of Luke’s viewpoint and the start of the conversation between the bad guys of the story. You had other breaks in the story that said ‘two hours later’ or whatever, but you didn’t have one here when one was needed.

    This came up a few times in the story, and that is that you switched from first person to third person perspective a couple of times in the story.

    ”Who are you?,” asked Luke
    This is an example of switching perspectives. The main view of the story is that of the first person, with Luke being that person. But in this sentence you suddenly switch to third person before going back to first person. It is not recommended for writers to switch in the middle of a story like this. While you can do it, you shouldn’t unless you have a specific reason of why you want too do it. Until you understand this concept more you should stay away from thing for now and just use one in a story.

    Something else to consider, was that during the end of the story Luke started to recap a bunch of things that happened previously. This was fine, but it was such a large block of text that it looked ugly. When going over past events you want to make previous events in a short and concise manner. During this case, it would flow and look better if you broke some of the sentence down, cut out any extra pieces, and shortened it. Another thing that could consider is that you change the explanation from dialogue to some simple description of the past events. You don’t have to use a large block of dialogue to convey what happened.

    One final thing, Drilbur wasn’t in enough of the story to warrant a capture. It was only in three thousand characters, which is essential ten percent of this story. Ten percent does sound like a lot, but when you are going for a Complex level Pokemon at its only mentioned during one section, that cause me to pause. If you had battled the Drilbur and it was only three thousand, that would be something else because battles can be long or short. But because there wasn’t a battle and only a short section, Drilbur should have something more for it.

    Description:

    You some parts well in this, but other areas were lacking in what was needed. The main problem that this story faced in terms of description was the absence of human characteristics. Let’s take for instance the main character of Luke. There was zero description on Luke in the story, he was literally words in the story, nothing at all relating to him. I understand this is a series and that he was probably described in the previous chapter, but you have to put that detail in this story as well. If you ever read a novel series with recurring characters you’ll notice that in each book the characters’ description is retold. This is because each book should be able to stand alone, any important information should be retold in some fashion. This is needed here now for the characters. The details of the first chapter, which I haven’t read, doesn’t seem to apply here, so that’s not important, the people are. In short, every character must be described in some fashion, there is no excuses for not doing so, especially at this level.

    Now, what you did well was the environmental detail and the Pokemon attacks. We’ll start with the Pokemon attack section first as it is the shortest of the two. In this chapter the only Pokemon battle took place between Luke and the Gastly.

    Gastly shot the energy ball at my again I countered attack with a Flamethrower, I put my hands together and forumed a ball of fire then fired the long stream of fire at Gastly’s energy ball.
    Here’s an example of the attacks during the battle. This scene is described in a simple, but telling manner. It’s easy to envision what is happening, there isn’t any confusion on the part of the reader. However, now that you are in the complex level of Pokemon writing your battle description should really be taken a step further than what it is now. What I mean by this is simple, you can go past this thing by including such things such as senses and word choice to make a better action scene.

    Quote Originally Posted by me
    Gastly formed a dark orb of energy with purple forks of lightening pulsing though it. A predator smile spread across the face of Gastly, revealing its sharp, white teeth, which stood in dark contrast to its purple gaseous body. As Gastly flung the powerful Shadow Ball my way I decided to respond with a forceful attack of my own. I slammed my hands together and held them closed as I whispered a few words. I felt some energy leave my body and go between my hands, where a small tendril of heat pulsed. I slowly spread my hands to reveal a small ball of red and orange flame. The fire licked at my appendage, but I felt no pain. I slowly concentrated on the ball of heat in front of me and fed it, slowly increasing its size. Once it had swelled to the size of a football, I imagined a long stream of fire rushing from the ball of flame to meet the Shadow Ball. Less than a second later I felt the movement in the air as the fire rushed to do my bidding.
    Each series of attacks doesn’t need to and shouldn’t be as long as the one I just typed out, but you’ll see the different between the two paragraphs. Having more detail isn’t all that is in my paragraph, it’s a different way of describing the attacks. The idea is have the reader imagine themselves in the same situation, and a way to do that is through your detail.

    The next part is that of the environment detail. It was good, everything was well described that I knew where the character was at all moments of the story. I do appreciate this because a lot of writers tend to forget this stuff or do it halfway and forget more than a few areas. Environment detail isn’t as important as other pieces, but it is still a piece that should be paid attention to. Detail is a layer of words put together that paint a picture of the reader, and environment or background detail is one of the starting pieces. Other detail should be layered upon it, because without it all you have is characters wandering around in a black nebula.

    Despite this area of your detail being solid, there were two different parts of the story that were lacking in this part. Both those pieces related to houses that Luke was in twice during the story. The first piece was when Luke was talking with his ‘father’ and told he had to go away. You never described the room he was in at all. There was nothing there, he just entered the room and left. For this thing you don’t need a long paragraph, just describe the general layout of the room and maybe include a few important pieces, like a headmount. Just some general information. The same thing needs to be done when Luke is rescued by his grandparents. There was nothing about where he was, this sort of things needs to be addressed and corrected in any future attempts.

    Another area that was done well was the Pokemon descriptions. They were all described well enough that if I didn’t know what the Pokemon were I could have easily come up with an image. That’s exactly what should be done in all Pokemon stories, good job.

    One final thing I would like to point out is the inclusion of the five senses. You managed to have most of them in the story and they were done well. I don’t really have anything to say on this portion other than to say that remember to include them, and you’ll do fine.

    Grammar:

    Alright, prepare to buckle up. This is by far the worst part of the story, and completely inadequate for a complex level Pokemon, not even a hard rank would pass with the grammar. There is just too many errors relating to punctuation that it really made the story a pain to read. Having to go back and reread sentences because the grammar was off is one thing, but in every paragraph you had multiple errors. That coupled with some of the longer paragraphs was just nightmarish.

    Now, while grammar may not be my strong point as a grader, I do know my way around it more so than your average person, so let’s get down to business. For the purpose of you correcting the mistakes I’m not going to point out every error or even half-one reason being that it would take too long. Instead I’m going to go over the first couple pages or so and point out some reoccurring errors that will have to be corrected along with the ones not pointed out.

    The pain[,] terrible pain[.] [i]t[‘]s what I dream[,] it[‘]s what I see when I close my eyes, but why? I don’t understand[.] I have a purpose in this world[,] a great purpose[.] [s]o why do I [fell] this pain. I try my best not to think about it, but I can’t help it[.] [t]hese dreams are on my mind[,] and I can’t get rid of them[.] [m]aybe there is something I can do about them[,] [m]aybe that’s my purpose[;] to stop this pain and suffering before it [cames] true.
    The opening paragraph is full of errors, and many other pieces are just as bad as this one. The main problem is that there are too many run-ons in the paragraph. You tried to make the thing too long. Besides having the comma errors you spelled a word wrong (it has brackets around it) and I noticed you spelled this same word wrong repeatedly throughout. Another word surrounded by brackets ie because the word is completely wrong. One final thing in this sentence is that you kept having ‘its’ when you meant ‘it is or it’s’. The way to tell which one you need is to use the basic form of ‘it is’. If you have ‘it is’ then chance it to ‘it’s’.

    “Hey, Luke[,] are you okay over there?”

    “Yeah[,] I’m fine [,]Exar, it[‘]s nothing to worry about[.]”

    “Okay[,] by the way, dad is looking for you[.]”

    “Okay, I’ll go see him.”
    The first thing that should be noticed is that the names need to be surrounded by commas. Because the person is being spoken to, that person needs the commas. Also, you need commas before ‘yeah’ and ‘okay’ because they are answering a question. If you had used ‘yes’ or ‘no’ you would still need the commas. You also failed to put the periods at the end of the sentences when the dialogue was also. You also had ‘its’ wrong again, and since this happens repeatedly you need to correct it.

    I jump down out of the tree I was in. I liked this tree it had a lot of leafs so, it was easy for me to hide if I wanted too and it was easy clime plus if you going all the way up to the top you can see the valley. I was starting to like it here the trees are bigger then houses, and the freash air smell you get every morning it was all so nice, but there was a down side. Since we got here I have been having dreams in all of them it the samething pain, and suffering people dying cites destroyed its all I fell anymore. I can’t help but fell like all of that is my fault I don’t know how I just do. Well I had better go see what dad wants I began to walk back to the house the ground was nice, and soft from the rain and the sun was shining bright in the sky I was down hill from the house. Walking up to the house is fun there is a Teddiursa that lives around here, and every day I walk back up to the house the little brown bear Pokemon follow me I feed it some times just for the fun of it, but I know its moms around I’v seen her once and that’s when she was chasing Exar for going near her cave. I got up the hill and the house was in site it was just a small little thing with a front porch and fireplace, the house is surrounded with long thick green grass just the way I like it and we have a small stream which runs down the hill on the side of the house. On the left side of the house there is a tree stump which we use to chop wood we have a little house built on the side were we put the wood so it does not get wet, other then that its just a normal wood house brown of course. I walked in the house to see what dad wanted him, and mom were in the living room sitting down I could tell by the look on there face something was wrong. Exar, and Revan walked in behind me I went into the room Exar, and Revan followed me we sat down, and dad stood up then spoke to us.
    Because this is such a large collection of sentences that are full of errors I’m not going to go over every single errors because it would take too long and wouldn’t be worth reading in the first place. Instead, I’m going to correct the sentence myself and put some reason in there to show you what needs to be done.

    I jump down out of the tree I was in. I liked this tree, it had a lot of leaves so it was easy for me to hide if I wanted too, and it was easy climb. Plus, if you are going all the way up to the top you can see the valley. I was starting to like it here. The trees are bigger than houses, and the fresh air smell you get every morning, practically divine. It was all so nice, but there was a down side.

    Since we got here I have been having dreams, and in all of them it’s the samething: pain and suffering. People dying, cites destroyed, it’s all I feel anymore. I can’t help but feel like all of that is my fault. I don’t know how, I just do.

    Well, I had better go see what dad wants, I though to myself as I began to walk back to the house.

    The ground was nice and soft from the rain, and the sun was shining bright in the sky. I was down hill from the house. Walking up to the house is fun. There is a Teddiursa that lives around here, and every day I walk back up to the house the little brown bear Pokemon follows me. I feed it sometimes just for the fun of it, but I know its mom is around. I’ve seen her once, and that was when she was chasing Exar for going near her cave.

    I got up the hill, and the house was in sight. It was just a small little thing, with a front porch and fireplace. The house is surrounded with long, thick, green grass just the way I like it, and we have a small stream which runs down the hill on the side of the house. On the left side of the house there is a tree stump, which we use to chop wood. We have a little house built on the side were we put the wood so it does not get wet. Other then that it’s just a normal wood house, brown of course.

    I walked in the house to see what dad wanted, and mom was there also in the living room sitting down. I could tell by the look on their faces that something was wrong. Exar and Revan walked in behind me. I went into the room and Exar and Revan followed me. We sat down, and dad stood up then spoke to us.
    So, big difference between the two. Not only were the misspelled words corrected, punctuation corrected, but I broke this clunky paragraph up into smaller ones. People don’t like to read a block of text, it should be broken up. What you need to do is go back and compare the two paragraphs to see the changes that were made, and there was a lot.

    Okay, now onto some other grammar related things I wish to point. Running into typos is to be expected, but throughout the story there was a lot of words that were misspelled that could have easily been caught by running this thing through a spellchecker. This sort of errors shouldn’t be found in a story, especially for a complex level. Also, you have multiple large blocks of text that should be broken up into smaller paragraphs.

    “[You’re] purpose is to restore the Shadow Walker[s] and the Guild, but to do that you [have to] fight the king for power and when you win, peace will return to the land. Now[,] go [you’re] stuff is waiting for you out[]side[.] [g]et going[,] son, and be car[e]ful out there[.] [you’re] mother and I will be waiting for you to return.”
    This is one sentence where the words are misspelled. ‘You’re’ means ‘you are’. That is not what you’re saying, you actually mean ‘your’ to indicate possession. This happened three different times here alone, and there was other spots in the story that had these exact same problems.

    “Hello, who’s there?”

    “Who are you?[,]” asked Luke[.]

    Here you have a comma that needs to be deleted. You don’t need a comma since a question mark is added. You also missed the period at the end.

    “I asked first[.]”

    Missing the period here as well.

    ”That you did, I’m Luke and you are who?”

    “I’m Sarah, [who are you doing here and how did you get here]?”

    I think you mean ‘what are you doing here?’

    “Well[,] this is the Fade[,] right[?]”

    Pointed this out before, missing the comma after ‘well’, and because you are confirming your answer (this one is hard for me to explain). Finally, the question mark was missing at the end.

    “Well yes, but normal people can’t come to this part of the Fade[.] [s]o I’ll ask[ed] again[,] how did you get here?”

    Better, but this sentence needs to be broken into two. Also, the ‘ed’ on the end of ‘ask’ is incorrect and needs to be deleted. Then add the comma.

    “I’m a Shadow Walker so[,] I can move through the Fade when[]ever I want[.] [n]ow, how did you get here?”

    The comma after ‘so’ is incorrect and needs to be removed. Also, the bracket between the two words means that they need to be combined into one word. Finally you can split the paragraph into a couple of sentences.

    “A Shadow Walker umm... [w]ell I’m a Shadow Walker too. Who would have thought I would run into a[]nother one [haha]!”

    ’Well’ needs to be capitalized because it is the start of a new sentence. ‘Another’ is one word, not two. Finally, having the words of laughing up here isn’t needed. You could have simply put ‘she laughed’ at the end or something.

    “Okay, well its nice meeting you but I gotta go[,] bye[!]”

    A few more things wrong here.

    “Wait! [u]mm..[.] can you stay a little longer, I mean there[‘s] no rush right[?]”

    ’Umm’ still needs to be capitalized. You need a minimum of three periods, not two. Then you missed the word [is] and the question mark at the end.

    “Well, I guess I can[.] [w]hat do you want do?”

    A period needs to be added here.

    “Just talk[,] it[‘]s not every day you meet some one like us[.]”

    More comma problem, plus the issue discussed before. Finally, the period at the end.
    This large quote is full of errors that would need to be corrected. The main problem that I saw was that you kept leaving off the ending punctuation marks that are required at the end of the dialogue. Also, you should have put some extra things after the sentences to help the reader tell who is talking. Use dialogue tags or movements to achieve this.

    Now that will conclude the grammar section for this story, but I want to be clear on one thing. I could have gone on much longer than this with errors and could still have some left over. I went for all the major things that I saw and remembered to type out. You really need to focus on learning better punctuation.

    Length:

    Near the lower end, but who cares.

    Conclusion:

    Drilbur Not Captured. We both knew this was coming, the grammar is just too bad for me to overlook on any level. Before we can even talk about the capture of the Drilbur you’ll need to go back and fix at least half of the errors found.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



  4. #4

    Default Re: Shadow Wars Chapter 2

    Hm. Well, I don't feel the need to do a full grade on this since ATF already gave you a really strong one. It looks like you did go back and fix a lot of the grammatical errors he pointed out. But, there are still quite a few grammar flaws in this story. ^^; I also don't know how this story looked before, but it doesn't seem like much of the plot issues were expanded on. ^^; Drilbur is Complex, it takes a very strong piece to capture it. Your character count sits right over the minimum, which is fine if the story hits its mark in all the other sections, but that's not the case here. I don't feel this is quite ready yet, sorry. :(

    Proofread this a couple of times so you can fix up a lot of the obvious typos, and look over ATF's grade again. Effort is just as viable as skill, so lengthening your story will help you if you're having trouble coming up with solutions to some of your problems with reason and history.

    Also, you really need to include dialogue tags with large chunks of dialogue. It's hard to grasp who is speaking if you go through an entire conversation without mentioning who said what.

    This is a promising story though, I think one more good edit-over should do it. But for now, Drilbur not captured. Let me know when you've fixed this up a bit more.

    @ki adi mundi

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