The introduction was pretty interesting, despite the grammatical errors. What made this introduction stand out was the mental description of Luke. This just doesn’t include the pain, but the dreams as well. These things together make the reader wonder what direction the story will be taking. Having mystery in a story is something readers like, they don’t like to know exactly what is happening.
What could have made the introduction stand out was the addition of a few things to the story. I’ll discuss this more later, but it would have been nice to have some description on the people in the story. They were blank spots throughout, I had no inkling of what they looked like. It’s never a good idea to conceal the features of a character without a reason to. For instance, they wear a mask and we later find out that they wear a mask because of facial scarring, or something along those lines. Now, while including description of the main character in the beginning is something that it’s required, it can be included later, but by including the detail immediately the reader can start to get an image of who the character is and how he or she acts.
Furthermore, the reader being thrust directly into the story isn’t always a bad thing, but when you do so you really have to add a few things afterwards. What could have worked here is that after Luke was heading towards his dad you could have included a few things about his character’s life up to this point. I don’t mean that you need to launch into a complete story about Luke, but included things like his age, what he does, what he plans to do. Just things that can make the reader like the character better, and so that they get to know him better. The point behind this is that if the reader likes the characters in the story they are more likely to stick around and finishing reading, which is one of your goals as a writer.
Another point is that what I talked above can be applied to Exar and Reven during this part of the story. They weren’t really mentioned afterwards other than to say that they had to do their own quest. Because you chose to include you should really have some information on them. As of now, they could have been deleted from the story and it wouldn’t have mattered in the slightest. If they are in the story they should be a part of it, just a passing mention about them isn’t good enough, especially for a story of this rank.
In review, most of the elements of a solid introduction were present in the story, but somewhere missing and some needed to be further developed. Because this is a complex rank Pokemon the introduction really needs to be developed. The reader should be able to read the opening and be informed about the important points of the story, and they weren’t here.
I both liked and disliked the plot. The idea behind the story of the Shadow Walkers and Dreamers is interesting and original, but your execution of those elements was lacking. The main thing was that neither of these ‘entities’ was completely explained in the story. It felt like that as a reader I was given a quick rundown on what they were without fully satiating my curiosity of the issues.
For instance, during the opening of the story when you first start explaining the Shadow Walker concept you talk about the powers of those gifted. You didn’t explain what those powers were though, there was absolutely nothing that told me of their capabilities. Your story focused so much on the Shadow Walkers that by missing this piece you really hindered one of the important elements of the story. This has to be explained, there is no excuse for it not having the information needed. A second piece that ties into this one is the Fade. We don’t know what the Fade is either. It’s clear that Luke can go there when he is sleeping, but beyond that we nothing about this either. All these elements needed to be explained in some fashion because you are the author using these terms that aren’t in common usage and aren’t real. You shouldn’t assume that the reader automatically knows about the things you are talking about, this pieces should all be explained ot the best of your ability.
Another piece of the future of this series is the generals. In this chapter Luke must set out to find Galbatorix, which he doesn’t this chapter. However, the problem lies in that the ‘father’ said Luke had to find the generals to battle and overthrow the King, but you don’t explain this generals. If the Shadow Walkers were defeated after a long period of ten years, how do six generals remain in power? Maybe they are generals of the King, but you never say who they represent. For all we know the generals belong to a former army, we just don’t know. Since Luke is setting out to find these people we need to know about them, and we just don’t know anything about them.
Now, this is a lesser point, but one that still has traction. You have Luke traveling to Duxon to find the general, which is all good, but don’t have a layout of the land. What I mean by this is that we don’t need a detailed map of the kingdom or nation, but we should have a general picture. For instance, is Duxon in the south or north? Also, where exactly does Luke start his journey from? The reader should be able to get their bearing, just knowing where the main character is going isn’t enough.
This seems to be a trend, but another section of the story that wasn’t explained was Justice, a knight of the old republic. You never once explained what the old republic was. Far as we aware, the land was once ruled by Dukes, who would essential make up the laws for their own territories. A republic is a party run by the people who elect their leaders, that was never the case here from what I can read. This can mean that Justice hails from another nation, but just like before it has to be explained as well, you don’t want to leave the reader guessing about this things.
The ending of the story was well explained about the true origins of Luke, which did help the story make more sense, and that was a really good thing. I also liked how you ended the story with a conversation between a Justice and the King, it made for a decent cliffhanger of the story. You do need a break between the end of Luke’s viewpoint and the start of the conversation between the bad guys of the story. You had other breaks in the story that said ‘two hours later’ or whatever, but you didn’t have one here when one was needed.
This came up a few times in the story, and that is that you switched from first person to third person perspective a couple of times in the story.
This is an example of switching perspectives. The main view of the story is that of the first person, with Luke being that person. But in this sentence you suddenly switch to third person before going back to first person. It is not recommended for writers to switch in the middle of a story like this. While you can do it, you shouldn’t unless you have a specific reason of why you want too do it. Until you understand this concept more you should stay away from thing for now and just use one in a story.
”Who are you?,” asked Luke
Something else to consider, was that during the end of the story Luke started to recap a bunch of things that happened previously. This was fine, but it was such a large block of text that it looked ugly. When going over past events you want to make previous events in a short and concise manner. During this case, it would flow and look better if you broke some of the sentence down, cut out any extra pieces, and shortened it. Another thing that could consider is that you change the explanation from dialogue to some simple description of the past events. You don’t have to use a large block of dialogue to convey what happened.
One final thing, Drilbur wasn’t in enough of the story to warrant a capture. It was only in three thousand characters, which is essential ten percent of this story. Ten percent does sound like a lot, but when you are going for a Complex level Pokemon at its only mentioned during one section, that cause me to pause. If you had battled the Drilbur and it was only three thousand, that would be something else because battles can be long or short. But because there wasn’t a battle and only a short section, Drilbur should have something more for it.
You some parts well in this, but other areas were lacking in what was needed. The main problem that this story faced in terms of description was the absence of human characteristics. Let’s take for instance the main character of Luke. There was zero description on Luke in the story, he was literally words in the story, nothing at all relating to him. I understand this is a series and that he was probably described in the previous chapter, but you have to put that detail in this story as well. If you ever read a novel series with recurring characters you’ll notice that in each book the characters’ description is retold. This is because each book should be able to stand alone, any important information should be retold in some fashion. This is needed here now for the characters. The details of the first chapter, which I haven’t read, doesn’t seem to apply here, so that’s not important, the people are. In short, every character must be described in some fashion, there is no excuses for not doing so, especially at this level.
Now, what you did well was the environmental detail and the Pokemon attacks. We’ll start with the Pokemon attack section first as it is the shortest of the two. In this chapter the only Pokemon battle took place between Luke and the Gastly.
Here’s an example of the attacks during the battle. This scene is described in a simple, but telling manner. It’s easy to envision what is happening, there isn’t any confusion on the part of the reader. However, now that you are in the complex level of Pokemon writing your battle description should really be taken a step further than what it is now. What I mean by this is simple, you can go past this thing by including such things such as senses and word choice to make a better action scene.
Gastly shot the energy ball at my again I countered attack with a Flamethrower, I put my hands together and forumed a ball of fire then fired the long stream of fire at Gastly’s energy ball.
Each series of attacks doesn’t need to and shouldn’t be as long as the one I just typed out, but you’ll see the different between the two paragraphs. Having more detail isn’t all that is in my paragraph, it’s a different way of describing the attacks. The idea is have the reader imagine themselves in the same situation, and a way to do that is through your detail.
The next part is that of the environment detail. It was good, everything was well described that I knew where the character was at all moments of the story. I do appreciate this because a lot of writers tend to forget this stuff or do it halfway and forget more than a few areas. Environment detail isn’t as important as other pieces, but it is still a piece that should be paid attention to. Detail is a layer of words put together that paint a picture of the reader, and environment or background detail is one of the starting pieces. Other detail should be layered upon it, because without it all you have is characters wandering around in a black nebula.
Despite this area of your detail being solid, there were two different parts of the story that were lacking in this part. Both those pieces related to houses that Luke was in twice during the story. The first piece was when Luke was talking with his ‘father’ and told he had to go away. You never described the room he was in at all. There was nothing there, he just entered the room and left. For this thing you don’t need a long paragraph, just describe the general layout of the room and maybe include a few important pieces, like a headmount. Just some general information. The same thing needs to be done when Luke is rescued by his grandparents. There was nothing about where he was, this sort of things needs to be addressed and corrected in any future attempts.
Another area that was done well was the Pokemon descriptions. They were all described well enough that if I didn’t know what the Pokemon were I could have easily come up with an image. That’s exactly what should be done in all Pokemon stories, good job.
One final thing I would like to point out is the inclusion of the five senses. You managed to have most of them in the story and they were done well. I don’t really have anything to say on this portion other than to say that remember to include them, and you’ll do fine.
Alright, prepare to buckle up. This is by far the worst part of the story, and completely inadequate for a complex level Pokemon, not even a hard rank would pass with the grammar. There is just too many errors relating to punctuation that it really made the story a pain to read. Having to go back and reread sentences because the grammar was off is one thing, but in every paragraph you had multiple errors. That coupled with some of the longer paragraphs was just nightmarish.
Now, while grammar may not be my strong point as a grader, I do know my way around it more so than your average person, so let’s get down to business. For the purpose of you correcting the mistakes I’m not going to point out every error or even half-one reason being that it would take too long. Instead I’m going to go over the first couple pages or so and point out some reoccurring errors that will have to be corrected along with the ones not pointed out.
The opening paragraph is full of errors, and many other pieces are just as bad as this one. The main problem is that there are too many run-ons in the paragraph. You tried to make the thing too long. Besides having the comma errors you spelled a word wrong (it has brackets around it) and I noticed you spelled this same word wrong repeatedly throughout. Another word surrounded by brackets ie because the word is completely wrong. One final thing in this sentence is that you kept having ‘its’ when you meant ‘it is or it’s’. The way to tell which one you need is to use the basic form of ‘it is’. If you have ‘it is’ then chance it to ‘it’s’.
The pain[,] terrible pain[.] [i]t[‘]s what I dream[,] it[‘]s what I see when I close my eyes, but why? I don’t understand[.] I have a purpose in this world[,] a great purpose[.] [s]o why do I [fell] this pain. I try my best not to think about it, but I can’t help it[.] [t]hese dreams are on my mind[,] and I can’t get rid of them[.] [m]aybe there is something I can do about them[,] [m]aybe that’s my purpose[;] to stop this pain and suffering before it [cames] true.
The first thing that should be noticed is that the names need to be surrounded by commas. Because the person is being spoken to, that person needs the commas. Also, you need commas before ‘yeah’ and ‘okay’ because they are answering a question. If you had used ‘yes’ or ‘no’ you would still need the commas. You also failed to put the periods at the end of the sentences when the dialogue was also. You also had ‘its’ wrong again, and since this happens repeatedly you need to correct it.
“Hey, Luke[,] are you okay over there?”
“Yeah[,] I’m fine [,]Exar, it[‘]s nothing to worry about[.]”
“Okay[,] by the way, dad is looking for you[.]”
“Okay, I’ll go see him.”
Because this is such a large collection of sentences that are full of errors I’m not going to go over every single errors because it would take too long and wouldn’t be worth reading in the first place. Instead, I’m going to correct the sentence myself and put some reason in there to show you what needs to be done.
I jump down out of the tree I was in. I liked this tree it had a lot of leafs so, it was easy for me to hide if I wanted too and it was easy clime plus if you going all the way up to the top you can see the valley. I was starting to like it here the trees are bigger then houses, and the freash air smell you get every morning it was all so nice, but there was a down side. Since we got here I have been having dreams in all of them it the samething pain, and suffering people dying cites destroyed its all I fell anymore. I can’t help but fell like all of that is my fault I don’t know how I just do. Well I had better go see what dad wants I began to walk back to the house the ground was nice, and soft from the rain and the sun was shining bright in the sky I was down hill from the house. Walking up to the house is fun there is a Teddiursa that lives around here, and every day I walk back up to the house the little brown bear Pokemon follow me I feed it some times just for the fun of it, but I know its moms around I’v seen her once and that’s when she was chasing Exar for going near her cave. I got up the hill and the house was in site it was just a small little thing with a front porch and fireplace, the house is surrounded with long thick green grass just the way I like it and we have a small stream which runs down the hill on the side of the house. On the left side of the house there is a tree stump which we use to chop wood we have a little house built on the side were we put the wood so it does not get wet, other then that its just a normal wood house brown of course. I walked in the house to see what dad wanted him, and mom were in the living room sitting down I could tell by the look on there face something was wrong. Exar, and Revan walked in behind me I went into the room Exar, and Revan followed me we sat down, and dad stood up then spoke to us.
So, big difference between the two. Not only were the misspelled words corrected, punctuation corrected, but I broke this clunky paragraph up into smaller ones. People don’t like to read a block of text, it should be broken up. What you need to do is go back and compare the two paragraphs to see the changes that were made, and there was a lot.
I jump down out of the tree I was in. I liked this tree, it had a lot of leaves so it was easy for me to hide if I wanted too, and it was easy climb. Plus, if you are going all the way up to the top you can see the valley. I was starting to like it here. The trees are bigger than houses, and the fresh air smell you get every morning, practically divine. It was all so nice, but there was a down side.
Since we got here I have been having dreams, and in all of them it’s the samething: pain and suffering. People dying, cites destroyed, it’s all I feel anymore. I can’t help but feel like all of that is my fault. I don’t know how, I just do.
Well, I had better go see what dad wants, I though to myself as I began to walk back to the house.
The ground was nice and soft from the rain, and the sun was shining bright in the sky. I was down hill from the house. Walking up to the house is fun. There is a Teddiursa that lives around here, and every day I walk back up to the house the little brown bear Pokemon follows me. I feed it sometimes just for the fun of it, but I know its mom is around. I’ve seen her once, and that was when she was chasing Exar for going near her cave.
I got up the hill, and the house was in sight. It was just a small little thing, with a front porch and fireplace. The house is surrounded with long, thick, green grass just the way I like it, and we have a small stream which runs down the hill on the side of the house. On the left side of the house there is a tree stump, which we use to chop wood. We have a little house built on the side were we put the wood so it does not get wet. Other then that it’s just a normal wood house, brown of course.
I walked in the house to see what dad wanted, and mom was there also in the living room sitting down. I could tell by the look on their faces that something was wrong. Exar and Revan walked in behind me. I went into the room and Exar and Revan followed me. We sat down, and dad stood up then spoke to us.
Okay, now onto some other grammar related things I wish to point. Running into typos is to be expected, but throughout the story there was a lot of words that were misspelled that could have easily been caught by running this thing through a spellchecker. This sort of errors shouldn’t be found in a story, especially for a complex level. Also, you have multiple large blocks of text that should be broken up into smaller paragraphs.
This is one sentence where the words are misspelled. ‘You’re’ means ‘you are’. That is not what you’re saying, you actually mean ‘your’ to indicate possession. This happened three different times here alone, and there was other spots in the story that had these exact same problems.
“[You’re] purpose is to restore the Shadow Walker[s] and the Guild, but to do that you [have to] fight the king for power and when you win, peace will return to the land. Now[,] go [you’re] stuff is waiting for you outside[.] [g]et going[,] son, and be car[e]ful out there[.] [you’re] mother and I will be waiting for you to return.”
This large quote is full of errors that would need to be corrected. The main problem that I saw was that you kept leaving off the ending punctuation marks that are required at the end of the dialogue. Also, you should have put some extra things after the sentences to help the reader tell who is talking. Use dialogue tags or movements to achieve this.
“Hello, who’s there?”
“Who are you?[,]” asked Luke[.]
Here you have a comma that needs to be deleted. You don’t need a comma since a question mark is added. You also missed the period at the end.
“I asked first[.]”
Missing the period here as well.
”That you did, I’m Luke and you are who?”
“I’m Sarah, [who are you doing here and how did you get here]?”
I think you mean ‘what are you doing here?’
“Well[,] this is the Fade[,] right[?]”
Pointed this out before, missing the comma after ‘well’, and because you are confirming your answer (this one is hard for me to explain). Finally, the question mark was missing at the end.
“Well yes, but normal people can’t come to this part of the Fade[.] [s]o I’ll ask[ed] again[,] how did you get here?”
Better, but this sentence needs to be broken into two. Also, the ‘ed’ on the end of ‘ask’ is incorrect and needs to be deleted. Then add the comma.
“I’m a Shadow Walker so[,] I can move through the Fade whenever I want[.] [n]ow, how did you get here?”
The comma after ‘so’ is incorrect and needs to be removed. Also, the bracket between the two words means that they need to be combined into one word. Finally you can split the paragraph into a couple of sentences.
“A Shadow Walker umm... [w]ell I’m a Shadow Walker too. Who would have thought I would run into another one [haha]!”
’Well’ needs to be capitalized because it is the start of a new sentence. ‘Another’ is one word, not two. Finally, having the words of laughing up here isn’t needed. You could have simply put ‘she laughed’ at the end or something.
“Okay, well its nice meeting you but I gotta go[,] bye[!]”
A few more things wrong here.
“Wait! [u]mm..[.] can you stay a little longer, I mean there[‘s] no rush right[?]”
’Umm’ still needs to be capitalized. You need a minimum of three periods, not two. Then you missed the word [is] and the question mark at the end.
“Well, I guess I can[.] [w]hat do you want do?”
A period needs to be added here.
“Just talk[,] it[‘]s not every day you meet some one like us[.]”
More comma problem, plus the issue discussed before. Finally, the period at the end.
Now that will conclude the grammar section for this story, but I want to be clear on one thing. I could have gone on much longer than this with errors and could still have some left over. I went for all the major things that I saw and remembered to type out. You really need to focus on learning better punctuation.
Near the lower end, but who cares.
Drilbur Not Captured. We both knew this was coming, the grammar is just too bad for me to overlook on any level. Before we can even talk about the capture of the Drilbur you’ll need to go back and fix at least half of the errors found.