Shadow Wars chapter 1 Ready for Re-Grade

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    Default Shadow Wars chapter 1 Ready for Re-Grade


    Shadow Wars
    Chapter 1

    “Where i’m I?. What is this place? I don’t remember going anywhere so, how did I get here?.”

    “The same way you always come here young man”

    “Who are you. Where are you? why cant I see you?”

    “Because you are still learning channel your spirit to this place. It will take some time before you can do anything, why you are here.

    “But what is this place, how do I go home?”

    “Just close your eyes and go back to sleep”.

    I awoke to a beam of light shining on my face I got up and looked out side it was still early in the morning so, I didn’t have to rush out my room to my chores. I put on a pare of pants, and a blue shirt Then I walked out of my room and in to the bathroom washed my face brushed my teeth. Then went down stares to get some breakfast. My older brother Exar Kun was eating some eggs, and toast I got my self some food and began to eat. Now I had two brothers, Exar Kun, the oldies and then there was Revan, he was older then me to by four years. Exar Kun was six years older then me. Age didn’t mean a thing on the farm I was sixteen Exar was Twenty two and Revan Twenty, but we all had a job to do we didn’t know what it was until Mom, and Dad came down stares to give out the chores for the day. I got the good job most of the time so, I didn’t mind if I got a bad one to day. A bad chore was taking out all the cow manure and using it as fertilizer for the crops I never got that job so I was safe on that one, but Exar was not he got that one a lot that's make him mad most of the day but then again if I had to smell cow poop all day I’d be in a bad mood to. Now my job most of the time I was to tend to the flock of Sheep, I think its because my mom thinks I’m weak I can’t do any of the hard stuff. I was not as strong as my brothers, but I was strong enough. Exar was built like a wall he had broad shoulders he was six two and his weight was two hundred pounds. He had thick arms and legs which made it easier for him to knock your lights out, and his fist were the size of two softballs he had on a gray shirt on with blue pants, his hair was Black and his eyes were Blue. Revan, his a stick I mean that guy was thin he was only ninety pounds and six feet tall, but he was just as bad as Exar when it came to a fight he was like a rubber band he could bend his arms in ways you should not be able to he was fast, and if he got you on the ground he wrap around you and lock his muscles so you could not move. But he still had small hands like a baseball his hair was Gray, and eyes were a light Blue color. We each looked like are parents but our hair and eye didn’t match theres why? you ask, well I don't know. Revan had on shorts and a white shirt. Me on the other hand I was a hundred and sixty pounds five eleven I had on green shirt and blue shorts my hair was bleach White, and my eyes were bright green emerald color. Now most people didn’t have shorts they all just wore brown leather pant and white shirts but mom knew how to make clothes so, we didn’t have to spend money on them. Then our mom walked into the kitchen she had on a blue dress and had her hair was thick, and strait. It went down to her the lower part of her back. Moms hair was brown and her eyes were brown she was smaller then all of us standing at just five two.

    “Good morning dears,” Mom was up, and about she was happy as always. She grabbed a plate of food and sat down to eat with a big smile on her face.

    “So, were is dad I didn’t here him,” asked Exar

    “He left out early this morning, to a job he need to get there before it got to hot to work,” Mother replied

    “Oh okay so, what are the chores for the day?” Exar asked in a low voice

    “Well Exar, you will go and finish building the new barn for the cows. Revan, I want you to go with him and help. Luke you take the flock to the creek bed, in the brightwall forest and let them drink and eat some fresh food and water and be careful there have been a lot of pokemon attacks okay”

    “Okay its not like anything ever happens out there,” Replied Luke

    Now I got my job time to get to work. I walked out side got on my horse, and had the horse walk over to the sheep pin. I got down unlocked the gate, and got back on my horse. Now the flock was cool, they never gave my a hard time well they did when I first started to do this but I beat the crap out of them with my rod now, they don’t act like a bunch jerks. The lead ram didn’t like me at first, but like the rest he learned to like me only he did it the easy way Lucky him. I took the flock into the brightwall forest which part of the thing was on my families land. We got to the creek bed, and the flock began eat and drink I got off the horse and took out my grandfathers sword. This part of the forest was peaceful and all but there was still wild pokemon in this forest so, I had to be on guard. I walked over to a bush that sat near the the creek bed, but to close so I could see the entire flock. I took a good look around me to make sure there was no danger then I jump behind it and into the hole that's was cover up by the bush. No pokemon could see me, but I could see all of them since there was a hole that allowed me to see them. This hole was mad by a Pinsir, that burrow under ground because it was chilly and Pinsir does not like the cold. I took one last look at the flock, then I closed my eyes to take a nap.

    “What the? its that dream again, hello is anyone here!?”

    “Hello again Luke, its nice to here your voice again”

    “Okay its nice to here your voice too, umm..... what is this place, and how do I keep coming here?”

    “This is the Fade, were the spirits of pokemon live”

    “Okay that good and all but that tells me nothing and if pokemon spirits live here how did I get here?, and are you a pokemon?”

    “Yes I am a pokemon, and people can come here, but they have to use the power of a ghost or psychic type pokemon, which they have a bond with. Be on that, no human can enter the Fade”

    “But I don’t have a pokemon so, how am I here?”

    “You have a lot of questions, but I can’t answer all of them right now I am sorry But I can tell you this you are a very special young man, and you have a great purpose which you will have to fulfill. Luke that day fast approaches you, and you need to ready you’re self”

    “So wait what.....”

    “Be, silent! danger fast approaches you awaken young warrior, awaken and prepare to defend your self”

    I awoke from my sleep, and grabbed my sword I jumped up to my feet and put my head up to the small hole to make sure everything was alright. I couldn't see any danger at all, then the flock stopped what they were doing, and formed a circle the head ram was out front. I knew then that something was out there. I couldn't hear anything, then the ground shook. I got scared I didn’t know what was out there, nor could I defend my self from something I could not see. Just then heard what was like a slow breathing, I turned my head and looked up to my right. I almost wet my pants, a Tyranitar was standing next to a tree, Glaring at the flock. The look in Tyranitar’s eyes was the look of murder, I could tell that it wanted to devour my flock. The big green and black Pokemon had razor sharp claws, and a mace like tail. Tyranitar, was drooling just looking at the flock I could not fight a Pokemon this big Tyranitar, was as big as the tree and its body was like thick steel armor . I knew I had to get the flock out of there or, it was going to be lunch time for this guy. jumped up out of the hole, and ran over to the flock and slapped the lead ram on his butt with my sword. He turned around, and took off running back to the farm. Then the wild Tyranitar, knocked down the tree, and ran right for us. I ran as fast as I could, Tyranitar’s foot steps were like little earthquakes under my feet. After a minute they stopped so, I turned around to how far behind Tyranitar was and to my surprise he was gone. I got to the end of the forest all I could see was tree after tree just, all green brush and grass . I got to the field and the flock had ran all the way to the barn, my brother Exar was at the front gate waiting for me.

    “What happen to the flock? man, there scarred to death,” Said Exar

    “I was out letting them get some. fresh water and food like mom said, but then every thing got quite. I turned around, and a Tyranitar was there, I didn’t hear it come and I checked the area for wild pokemon, and didn’t see any. Then it come out of know were, and ran after us. For a second there I thought, I was going to be lunch”

    “Wait!, you said it ran after you right? so were is it?” Replied Exar

    “Umm.... I don’t know, it disappeared when I was coming back why?”


    “That's why! go run, and get mom now!” Exar yelled out

    I took off as fast as I could, with my heart racing faster then I was running I got to the house and mom was making some cookies.

    “Mom! mom!”

    “Calm, down what's wrong dear”

    “Its, a Tyranitar! Exar needs help! its on the farm”

    “What! were is it at?”

    “The, front gate we got to go now!”

    Mom took off as fast as she could, and boy was she faster then me. I turned the corner, and Exar was Fighting the Tyranitar I stop at the gate. Exar put his hands to gether and a blue Orb forumed in the palm of his hands. Exar pushed his hands forwards and a blast of water shot from his hands and hit Tyrnitar, the Pokemon was pushed back that’s when mom walked in the way Exar ran back to me.

    “Mom got’s this one Luke, stay back,” Yelled Exar

    Mom just stood there I thought she was going to kill her self then she lifted up her right arm, and it began to turn green. She looked right at Tyranitar, then made a fist. Then there was a slight breeze in the air and the grass shot up like long vines, and slapped Tyranitar right in the face. The wild pokemon fell on its back it let out a mighty roar, and got back up on its feet. The angered Tyranitar lifted up its left foot, and slammed it in to the ground. Tyanitar use his earth power nothing happen at first, then the ground began to quake under my feet, it got worse and worse I fell off my feet as did Exar, but mom staid on her feet. The ground was still shaking, when mom turned her arm, in to a vine she slammed it into the ground, and it come out under Tyranitar's feet. Her vine wrapped around Tyranitar’s body and dragged it to the ground, then she let go and lifted her vine high in the air, and smashed it right into Tyranitar’s body. The big green pokemon let out a cry “Tyranitar!,” Then fainted.

    Mom come over the make sure we were all right, then she told us to go back to the house. We all when back in and mom called Ranger Gaius of the National Park he come over right away with some other Rangers, they hit Tyranitar with a tranquilizer dart. The wild Tyranitar was put in the back of a van, and shipped away to the National Park were it would be safe to run free without doing harm to people. I knew I was in trouble, mom was just waiting for dad to get back so, she could tell him what happen and. Then his horse come strolling up the dirt path, he got off it and mom was waiting for him on the front porch. I waited in my room for dad to come up stares, and give me a talk but he did mom did she come in to my room and sat down on my bed and just looked at me it her big blue soft eyes, then she spoke TO ME IN A soft voice.

    “So, are you going to tell me what happen out there today Luke?”

    I knew right then, I was a goner for sure.

    “Well I was watching the flock like you said, and I didn’t her it come when I turned around it was standing next to a tree, I got the flock out of there and then ran for it and it chased me and on my way back it disappeared!. I didn’t know were it had gone so, I what back to the barn and Exar was there, and I told him what happened then the pokemon just came out of know were and Exar had me go get you”

    “Oh so, you didn’t fall asleep?” Mother asked

    “Umm... maybe, I might had for a second, or two”

    “Luke, you could have been killed out there you can’t just go to sleep what would you have done if you didn’t wake up, and the flock got eaten then what would you have done?”

    “I know its not like I had done all this on purpose, I fell asleep and then she told me that danger was coming my wa...”

    “Wait, she? who is she?”

    “The, girl in my dreams we were talking when she told me that danger was coming, then I woke up and that's when Tyranitar came. I’m sorry mom”

    “Don’t be now, just tell me about this girl in your dreams when does she appear to you?”

    “I don’t know when ever I go to sleep at first I didn’t know were I was, but the she said I was in the Fade and when I learned to channel my spirit there I would be able to move around, and all that stuff But I needed to learn how to channel first before I could do anything why?”

    “Are you sure she said the Fade?, you need to be clear about that son”

    “Yes she said I was in the Fade, and that some humans could go there but they needed powers from Ghost, and Psychic type Pokemon”

    “Okay you just wait here, and I’ll be right back”

    Mom ran out my room, I didn’t know what she was so worried about I didn’t do anything wrong other then fall asleep. Then mom and dad walk in to my room they sat down on the foot of my bed then my dad spoke.

    “Okay son now, your mom said you were in the Fade what do you mean when you say you were in the Fade?” asked father

    “I don’t know when I go to sleep I wake up in this darkish place, and there is a girl there well I think its a girl. She was the one that woke me up, she said the danger was coming”

    “Okay what else did she say to you?”

    “She said I was a very special young man, and that I had a great purpose which I would have to fulfill, and that day fast approaching”

    “Okay well we can umm... I don’t what we are going to to dear” said father

    “Wait, what is going on what wrong with me?”

    “You are a shadow walker son” Replied mother

    “What’s a Shadow Walker?”

    “A Shadow Walker is some one who can enter the Fade without using the power of a Pokemon, you can enter and can go through any part of the Fade that you want to. You can control it which is a problem” Replied father

    “I don’t see what the problem is so, I can go in to the Fade who cares?”

    “A lot of people do if some one knew you were a Shadow Walker they would report you to the king, and he would have you killed”

    “What! why, what did I do to anyone?”

    “Nothing but you can a Shadow Walker can go into other peoples dreams, and do a lot of damage they can steal your memories give you nightmares and if they are powerful enough, they can Kill you with out being in the same room. You can enter other peoples mind and do all that, and that is why we must hide you. You must not say a word to anyone do you understand” my father asked

    “Yes dad, I understand what about you and mom plus Exar, and Revan what about them?”

    “You don’t worry about them. We all are going to pack up, and go away now start packing”

    Mom and dad went down stares to pack, Exar, and Revan, had started to pack to. I got all my stuff and then dad come and got me. We when out side put are stuff on the horses. Mom went next door to ask the neighbors to watch to farm for us, she told them we were leaving to go see our grandparents for the summer. After that we got on the horses, and took off for the mountains. It took us four day to get to safe house it was built so, that if anything happened to mom, and dad we had a place to run and hide. We got off the horses and unpacked our stuff. I went to my room I had to share with Exar, and Revan, but that was okay. I finely got all my stuff unpacked, when dad walked in to talk with me.

    “Okay Luke, I have something for you this is a Pokemon its name is Vulpix”

    The little red pokemon was cute, it looked like a little fox with nine tails on it.

    “Now son I’m going to teach you how to use you’re powers, but before I do I want you to have this Pokemon. You need to bond with it once you do you will be able to use its Fire powers do you understand?,”Asked father

    “Yes I do, but I have one question?”

    “And that would be?”

    “How do I bond with a Pokemon do I play and make it my friend or what?”

    “If it was only that easy son, but no what you have to do is battle it. Prove that you are worthy of being it master, and you will be able to bond with it once you do it will do as you command,” Replied father

    “How do I battle Pokemon I have no powers that thing will roast me alive!”

    “Have faith son now, get some sleep tomorrow we train”

    I put my head on my pillows and closed my eyes I then concentrated as hard as I could. When I opend my eyes they was fog in my room I knew were I was, and its time to find that girl I began to walk I could not see all that well still, but I was getting the hang of it. The more I walked through this place the more I could see and feel, I began to hear a voice from afar I turned around and there she was the girl I could tell it was her by her voice alone.

    “Luke, what are you doing her all by you’re self you can get lost”

    “I was looking for you, but I could not find you until now”

    “Well I’m here now, what do you need”

    “I need to no more about what’s happening, one minute I’m enjoying my life the next minute me and my family have to leave our home now if I’m this Shadow Walker I want to know more now!”

    “You left why?”

    “My dad said that we had to leave before anyone found out I was a Shadow Walker, because if some one found that out the king would have me killed. Funny how you left that part out right”

    “Look Luke, you have to understand me”

    “No I don’t because if you had never told me what I was I would not be here right now, I had to leave my home because of you this is all you’re fault! and since you can’t tell me anything why are you here!”

    “If you will give me a chance I will tell you”

    “No I don’t want you to tell me anything more look at all the trouble I’m in now, because of yo, just away I don’t want to talk to you I’m leaving!”

    I opend my eyes and it was morning. I got up Put on my shirt and pants then walked outside Exar, Revan, mom and dad were out there already all of them had Pokemon with them. All of the Pokemon were Fire type Litwick the Vulpix and others. Dad called me over I guess it was tim e to bond.

    “Okay son are you ready to fight?” asked father

    “Yes I’m ready when you are”

    “Okay Vulpix attack!”

    I didn’t have time to think about what I was going to do when Vulpix opend its mouth, and let out its Flamethrower attack I jumped out the way of the attack then my brother Exar through me a sword I picked it up and before I could move again the Vulpix had use its Flamethrower again. I moved as fast as I could, but was not fast enough part of the attack had hit me and it didn’t feel good at all. “Use the sword,” Yelled Exar, I didn’t want to hurt this little guy, but from the way it was attack me I could tell it didn’t feel the same way about me. So I lifted up the sword, and ran for it before it could use Flamethrower again. I slammed it down and the Vulpix dogged the attack it then opened its mouth again, and in the middle of it mouth was a red Orb it lit up and from it came the Flame, I felt the heat of the attack as it come right for me. I didn’t have time to move I was a goner for sure, but just then I felt a cool chill run through my body. My body lit up green and when the Flamethrower hit me. I could not not feel the Fire it was like a force field was around me. I don’t know why but I lifted up my right hand and made a swiping motion at Vulpix then come a great wind it picked up Vulpix, and hurled it at a tree the Fire Pokemon hit the tree and knock it over. I walked over to the little fire Pokemon and it was done for.

    “Great job son I new you could do it,” my father yelled to me

    “Okay now you need to make the bond, put you’re hand on its head and bond!”

    I looked at the little red Pokemon, and focused on it as hard as I could then my body started to heat up it was like I was near a fire I looked into the eyes of Vulpix, and I could see in side of it all of its emotions and thoughts I could hear and see them like they were mine. I reached out and touched it when we both began to shine, my body it was like I had two people in me all those thoughts then I heard my dads voice.

    “Son don’t push it away become one with the pokemon son, clear you mind and focus”

    It was so hard, but the I felt good happy it was a great joy I had come over me.

    “Wow! this is great, I fell unstoppable! oh hell yeahhh!”

    “You did it son! your blood is awakening with some training you will be able to use your pokemons powers, and summon it. Pokemon can fight with you this will be hard for you. And you’re pokemon is only as strong as you are. So you will have to start battle wild pokemon to make your self stronger”

    “Okay, but what can I do how do I summon Vulpix, and use its powers?”

    “The first thing you need to know is its power. You can use all of it power, but they will drain your strength and leave you weak after a battle each move will take its toll on you some move more then others like ember attack, it will make you weak after say two attack, but if you use a move like flamethrower the attack can leave unconscious and if use a move like Fire Blast before you’re ready it can kill you. Do you understand?,” Asked father

    “Okay, I didn’t know that but yes I understand, some move I can use and some I can’t use right now”

    “Right, now take a break and rest its time to start training.”

    CC : 21,257
    CC needed 10k to 20k
    Pokemon going for: Vulpix
    Last edited by Black Reaper; 30th April 2012 at 02:39 PM.

  2. #2
    YOLO Fossil Fusion's Avatar
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    Sep 2009

    Default Re: Shadow Wars chapter 1

    I shall claim this sexy
    WinterVines 3:53 pm
    im sorry women are difficult
    i understand why some should stay in the kitchen

  3. #3
    YOLO Fossil Fusion's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009

    Default Re: Shadow Wars chapter 1

    Firstly, I will apologise for your Story to be graded so slowly!

    Plot: The story was begun with a mysterious voice who came to the main character. This was pretty interesting and not your average “Omg derpy trainer walks into room,” which is good. Love the originality of this. It mentions in this conversation about channelling your spirit to ‘this place’ which is pretty interesting because as a reader we do not know what this place it yet. Therefore, good opening here. Then the plot shifts to the other character introductions of Exar Kun and Revan.

    The Farm was mentioned throughout the story, however… How long has this family been at this farm? What other problems did they have? Sometimes answering these simple questions clarifies the reader these answers before they keep questioning. However, because this is a Chapter 1 of the story I will let this slide a little. But, more would be nice. I love back story and so do other people as well! Similarly, with the farm you mentioned the flock. I know this a Pokemon expert, but do we mean a flock of sheep? Or a flock of Mareep. I know this may sound silly, but knowing is better than guessing in a story.

    Later on throughout your story, your main character enters Fade. Fade seems to a mysterious shadowy dimension your main character disappears into every so often. Next, a Tyranitar comes in to destroy your ‘flock’. I question why the Tyranitar had been wildly running around on its own and so on. Which is fine, but like I said before need more clarification.

    Becoming a Shadow Walker. You said that a Shadow Walker can drift between the Pokemon Spirit Dimension without needing a Ghost or Psychic Pokemon. I question why your main Character became a Shadow Walker. Was it from the beginning when he was born, or do we find that our later? :O This could be ambiguous for the next chapter I am intrigued.

    Dialogue There was lots of dialogue and it started from the beginning. I had to read over the speech quite a few times because it would confuse me. This is because there was no “said mum” or “ I said” and stuff like that. Most of the speech could be just a stone voice saying it. This is because without the emphasis on the character saying the speech how is the reader going to know what they are like. DO THEY SAY IT LIKE THIS WHILST SHOUTING or do they say it in a calm, tranquil voice.

    When I did a lot of speech in my Stories in the past, I must admit I never read them out loud. I was taught this by another Grader because speaking your speech helps you a lot. So, I suggest speaking your speech out loud and then you can change any mistakes or errors you might have. This will make your speech more effective and be a better read for the reader (me).

    Grammar Erm, there was quite a number of simple errors within your story. I will list a few of them here. Also, there were a number of capitalization errors of names.

    In a number of times you would type cant without its apostrophe. I know this may be nagging but I always look for these. Similarly, words like I’m and I’d will also need capital “I” because they have the word “I” by itself.

    … ways you shoulded be able to, he was fast and if he got you on the ground he wrap around you, and lock his muscles so you coulded
    Now, I copied this part of the text over because I think you need to proof read it. “Shoulded” and “Coulded” are not real words. Shoulded should be “should” here, to make it more readable. Also, “Coulded” is better put as “couldn’t move.” Therefore, these simple errors can be costly in stories. I suggest proof reading your stories.

    You put make instead of making: I took off as fast as I could, with my heart racing faster then I was running, I got to the house and mom was making some cookies

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    We got off the horses and unpacked are stuff

    We got off the horses and unpacked our stuff
    Simple error, it was probably because this has not been graded in a long time, however you can do it.

    Tyranitar is not spelt Tyrannitar
    Pokemon, Flamethrower, Ember, Ghost and Psychic types all need capital letters because they are nouns.
    Worrier should be Warrior.

    Description There was some description but not much of it. I think this is where your story lacked the most in areas. For example, most of the characters had no description really. Like the mother and father of the main characters. Did they have hair? What were they wearing? I could not picture anything on these characters and therefore they were stick men to my mind.

    a Tyranitar was standing next to a tree, looking at the flock.
    So Tyranitar was standing next to a tree? Was it a tall tree? A busy one? Also, was Tyranitar looking at the flock with piercing eyes or gentle lovely eyes? Adding detail and elaborating a little more is what your story needs to be more exciting for the reader. I am going to list just the one description example here, and hopefully you can use it for examples in the future.

    The monstrous, rocky Tyranitar stomped across the sharp grass. It stood next to a tall tree, which had bundles of emerald leaves. Tyranitar glared evilly with red eyes like daggers at the flock.

    This above is what makes the stories better with some simple extras on it.

    Similarly, you mentioned Vulpix was a little red Pokemon, if I was no Pokemon fan and had never heard of a Vulpix. Would I think it is a red ball of fur?

    Pokemon Battle & Capture Attempt Well the main character was given the Vulpix. I do not think that was a very good idea to be honest. Unless, you added in a lot about the bonding it took for the main character and Vulpix to become friends and fight together. This could be done quite easily in a few paragraphs and so forth. Most stories do not need battles and therefore should make up for it in bonding and a lot of it.

    Length Sure, why not. You were perfect here for Vulpix

    Overall It was a pretty interesting plot idea with the Shadow Wars and I enjoyed the concept of it, however… It lacked a lot of detail and left me needing to comment on grammar errors. Therefore, it is a tough choice… But wait for it…

    I am sorry to say the fuzzy fox is not captured. I feel you have a lot of improvement to do to this story. I know you can do it Mr Black Reaper because I have faith in you. Sorry the Story took so long to get Graded, however I have some basic improvements below for you.

    Firstly, I would like you proof read your story and speak out your dialogue. That way it can become more readable. Even if its with somebody else too, it all helps for future stories.
    Second, you could add some more description throughout you story of the Tyranitar, the farm, the characters some more. I know you can do this too because of your story’s plot! You had a lot of ideas here, and I know you can do it.
    Finally, you should add some more on the bond between the main character and Vulpix. You would not simply capture the fox by “receiving it”. I want to know more, MORE I TELL YOU! I mean awaken with your Vulpix some more I would like to see some more training.

    If you need anything, don’t hesitate to PM me! You can do this, good luck!
    WinterVines 3:53 pm
    im sorry women are difficult
    i understand why some should stay in the kitchen

  4. #4
    Virbank Gym Leader WinterVines's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010

    Default Re: Shadow Wars chapter 1 Ready for Re-Grade

    @Black Reaper;

    Okay, since Chris didin't continue this and you asked me, I took a look at this for a regrade.

    I kinda wish you had bolded (or something) parts that you changed, because it's hard to judge what it originally looked at, so my perception of what has been improved on might be a little skewed. I'm going to base my decision off of what Chris asked you to do.

    He mentioned three things for you to work on:
    -Proofreading and Dialogue

    The second two I think you did. The bonding process before, from what I read of his grade, was just Luke receiving the Vulpix. Now it seems you've added in a battle with it, making it more of a 'defeat me and only then will I lend you my strength' sort of thing, which makes the story stronger.

    Where he had mentioned needing description for the people and the Tyranitar, I saw some added in places it had probably been needed. Areas like that were his brothers and the Tyranitar scene.

    The grammar is still really shaky. I really really suggest having someone else proofread for you, since some of the errors make the story hard to understand sometimes, and that's not what you want for readers. Some of these errors are simple things, like using the wrong word, (here instead of hear) putting double punctuation (you don't use both ? and . to end a sentence, one is enough), and not having punctuation at all in places, like to end a sentence.

    I'm gonna suggest a few things for your next story too. One of these is dialogue tags or modifiers to speech that Chris talked about. It really helps to make it clear who is doing the speaking. An example of this is at the beginning, when Luke hears strange talking. We don't find out it's a girl's voice until near the end of the fic. The whole time I thought it was some wrinkly old man XD. Without including some of that stuff right off the bat, it throws off a reader's perception of parts of the story. It also clears up who is speaking. For example, when both parents were talking to Luke in his room, it was hard to tell who was saying what.

    Another thing to keep in mind is paragraphs. Some of yours were much longer than they needed to be. In general, similar ideas are bunched together, but when you start a new one, it should go into a new paragraph. That makes the story flow much better and it's easier for someone to read. Big blocks of text scare some people off. Just be wary of that.

    Since you fully did do 2 out of the 3 things Chris asked, I'm going to say the Vulpix is now Captured. Sorry you had to wait so long. Just keep in mind the things Chris talked about for your next story, and feel free to contact either him or me if you have any questions.
    ChainReaction 6:09 pm
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  5. #5
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    Jun 2011
    The World of Shadows
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    Default Re: Shadow Wars chapter 1 Ready for Re-Grade

    Okay thanks! ^_^


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