The Secrets of the Pendant
Character Count: 16107
Target: Venonat
Required: 10 – 20k
The Secrets of the Pendant
Rustled, sharp sounds brushed through some dark, dingy bushes. Repeated, panted sounds, sighed deeply through the bushes.
“I must not stop,” a voice whispered to itself. “I must get home fast.” A young boy dashed throughout the forest, which was known as Toxicant Forest. The woodlands were surrounded by massive, king like trees, which shadowed the grassy floor. Overgrow plants, flustered over the walkways and created darkness. The boy rushed eagerly through the undergrowth, and stomped on crusty leaves, along the way.
“It is catching up?” He whispered, and panted. The bushes behind him had violently rustled as the boy was being chased by a dark shadow. What possibly was this shadow? The youngling stomped through more overgrown bush and saw bright sunshine ahead. The bright-blue sky shadowed the young one.
“I need to keep moving,” the boy said, and panted. His name was Koga. Koga was only ten and recently received his first Pokemon from his father. This ten year old wore a long black suit, which had purple sleeves. The purple sleeves represented a poison. A shining, gold pendant flickered on Koga’s neck as he dashed through more kings like trees. The poison lover’s crimson cape flickered through the tainted wind, as something quickly followed him.
“RUSTLE, RUSTLE,” the bushes swayed. Koga quickly dashed in the direction of the bright exit. The new trainer was followed quickly. He could have counter attacked, but his Starter Pokemon had fainted within Toxicant. Suddenly, the shining gold pendant brushed against a low branch and pebbled to the grassy ground. CLANG CLANG it bounced on the murky grass. Koga did not notice and tore away.
“Na,” a creature whispered, whilst hidden in the bushes. It quickly swiped its small, brown hands on the shiny, gold pendant. A sniffed sound smelt the pendant and then it hastened in another direction. The wind flushed the tree’s leaves and they fluttered to the dingy floor. The creature was nowhere to be seen, and the pendant disappeared with it.
Meanwhile, the ninja trainer crept back into his home city of Fuchsia city. Fuchsia city was well known for its Gym and Safari Zone. Many tourists travelled to this city to defeat the Gym Leader or capture many Pokemon within the Safari Zone. Many structured houses were built and surrounded by many tranquil green, gardens. The pleasant atmosphere within Fuchsia City made the loved community smile.
“Qwarkk,” a noise screeched. Outside the Fuchsia Gym was a tall, brown coated trainer with a red cape. Fuchsia Gym’s building was a massive, yellow bricked wall with a crimson, painted banner that said; Fuchsia Gym! Many trainers challenged the old Gym Leader, but failed every time.
There were only ever five winners who held the Soul Badge. (The Gym’s Badge). This meant the leader was tough and could not be taken down easily. The man screeched man stomped the flat ground, and his down, black hair flickered within the cold wind. He waited, and waited as time went by; the sun started to set and darkened the sky…
“Where is he?” The man screeched, and said. “I have been waiting here for 2 hours for my son to return.” He crossed his brown clothed arms and tapped the floor with his foot. The foggy shadows moved as time went by. The Gym Leader waited more hours and nothing.
“Cough,” a voice coughed. A small trainer with a crimson cape appeared within the dust. It was Koga. The ninja boy dashed quickly from out of Toxicant as the trees flushed quickly within the wind. He panted repeatedly because he ran for a long time. Sweat dripped slowly down his face and flickered off his bushy, black eyebrows, and cascaded to the Fuchsia City ground.
“Koga, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!” Koga’s Father shouted, and clenched his fist. “I was worried sick about you!” The Father’s brown outfit creased where he was angry and it tore inside. The Gym Leader of Fuchsia City was furious with his son and stomped the ground with his black shoes. He stomped away back into the Gym’s entrance and lunged the purple doors open.
“I am sorry daddy,” Koga whimpered, and slowly walked into the Gym. Inside, the walls were plastered with purple tiles, which gleamed brightly. Koga tilted his young head and saw two ninja Trainers who were battling on the stadium. The stadium was a giant rectangle, which was covered in grainy sand. The two ninjas were both dressed the same because they were twins. Both wore dark-blue suits, which covered their whole body from head to toe. All anybody would see was their eyes, which had different colours between them. One had red eyes and the other had green eyes.
“That was a great battle brother,” the green eyed ninja said. “Master Yoshi will be pleased with our training.” The green eyed ninja was named Hu. Hu was the eldest of the two brothers, and has trained along his brother Go with Yoshi.
“Yes brother,” Go said, and placed his Pokeball into his blue pocket. “We could become Twin Gym Leaders one day instead of Yoshi!” They both thought nobody heard them; however Koga heard them from the purple doorway. His father was stood quietly in the kitchen area of the Gym. Yoshi made sandwiches for himself and then dropped his silver knife, onto the grey work surface. TINGLING it crashed to the white, tiled floor.
“Daddy,” Koga said, as he walked into the doorway. “Can we talk about something?” Koga placed his small hand onto the wooden door frame and stared at the floor. His Father turned slowly and glared at Koga. Suddenly, he reached up to the brown, wooden cupboard above and opened it.
“Hmm, where is it?” Koga’s father said, and rummaged through the cupboard’s contents. “NO, IT HAS GONE!” Suddenly, Yoshi was upset and got very loud. He glared at Koga.
“Daddy, I took it on an adventure for luck,” Koga said, whilst he knelt to the ground. “Mother’s pendant, I thought it would give me luck, but I lost it whilst running away from a Pokemon.” Koga placed his hands together tightly, and closed his eyes. His black hair flickered as Yoshi glared angrily at him.
“I TOLD YOU NOT TO TAKE YOUR MOTHER PENDANT OUT OF THIS CUPBOARD!” He shouted, and it echoed throughout the Gym. Hu and Go both had heard the argument.
“It fell off in Toxicant,” Koga whimpered, and opened his eyes. “Zubat had fainted to a Wild Pokemon attack.” Hu and Go both snuck out of the Gym across the grainy Stadium. Yoshi raged, and stomped out of the kitchen. He slammed his knife to the ground in temper.
Hu and Go were both near the entrance to the City, and they watched the trees of Toxicant shadow the sky from above. They snuck slowly across the murky grass and into the forest area. They planned to find the pendant because it had a special being inside. Nobody knew what was inside the shiny, gold pendant except Yoshi. The twin brothers knew it was special and decided to snag it for them. Go stood forward and searched the bushes next to him. The leaves rustled violently and pebbled to the murky floor.
“This will be tricky,” Hu said, and scratched his head. “I will look near that giant tree over there.” Hu tread slowly in the direction of the massive, king like tree, which soured through the warm air. Leaves sprinkled slowly, as the wind blew across it. The green eyed ninja said. Suddenly, a small creature appeared from the emerald-like bushes. This Pokemon was a Venonat.
“Nat, Venonat,” It squeaked. Venonat stared at both Hu and Go as they stood still. Venonat had a round body covered in purple fur. It has a pair of clodhopper feet, and stubbly forepaws. The bug Pokemon had a pincer-like mouth, red compound eyes, and white antennae. This creature was able to hear footsteps from miles away.
“Look at the ugly looking Pokemon,” Go said, and sniggered. Go walked slowly towards Venonat. The fuzzy fur ball was frightened and dashed away. Suddenly, as it turned around it heat butted into Hu who stood in the way.
“You think we are that stupid bug,” Hu said, as he stretched his hand in the direction of Venonat. “We can clearly see that shiny, gold pendant in your hands.” Hu quickly swiped at the fuzzy creature, and Venonat quivered in fear. Suddenly, sprayed air waves sliced into the direction of Hu and sliced his clothing. His dark-blue suit cut open and he was flown into the murky grass. Go quickly turned around and could not see where the attack came from.
“Ouch, I was schooled,” Hu said, and shivered. Go shook his head quickly around the shadowed forest area and saw no one. Venonat lay on the floor and shivered. Suddenly, from the tree above, Koga swept down and landed next to Venonat. His hair flushed in the wind and breezed across his face. He placed his arms away from the purple creature and stood like a no entry sign. The leaves cascaded from the giant trees and scattered in the direction of Go.
“What brings you here, Koga?” Hu asked, and grinned. “I thought you upset your father so much he punished you.” Hu brushed his navy-blue outfit and patted his short-brown hair. He giggled and pointed at the pendant.
“That Pendant Venonat is holding,” Go said, and pointed. “We want it for our own personal gain; it is worth $1,000,000,000 dollars!” Hu and Go only wanted the money for the Pendant.
“Leave now, before it gets ugly,” Koga shouted, and pierced his eyes. Suddenly behind him fluttered Zubat from the covered sky. A small blue, bat creature flew out from the giant, woody trees. Zubat fluttered its purple wings and squeaked. This bat creature had no eyes but could use its ears to locate the enemies. It squawked loudly as it saw Venonat. The bat creature remembered Zubat protecting it from other poachers before it got Knocked Out.
“Oh a Pokemon battle eh?” Hu said, and laughed. “Go, Grimer.” He tossed a ball and it shafted out from it a Grimer. The purple sludgy creature materialised on the murky grass and slimed its arms in a circle. Go also tossed a ball through the hot air. It shadowed across the forest and crimson light flashed out. Another Grimer appeared, twin Grimer.
“Take our double, Grimer, Onslaught,” Go said, and laughed. He pointed at Koga, and designated his attack. “Grimer, use Ice Punch on Koga!” Grimer slithered quickly in the direction of the young ninja, and clenched its sludgy fist. Shiny, ice cubes solidified around its bubbled fist and struck at Koga. The young ninja trainer shut his eyes and hoped to not be struck. Suddenly, a giant burst of sludge bubbled through the murky, warm air and dazzled at one of the Grimer.
“Take my Sludge Bomb,” a voice shouted, and stomped in. “I understand what you meant by these so called Gym Trainers being thieves.” It was Yoshi; he was hidden behind a tall tree for about 15 minutes and heard what happened. Yoshi angrily stomped the ground and placed a thumbs up to his son. Beside the poison master was his Muk. Muk was a much larger, grey pile of sludge with a giant mouth. It bubbled all over the murky floor.
“Nat, Nat,” Venonat screeched and took off with the pendant. It ran through some bushes and rustled away. Koga and Zubat quickly dashed after Venonat.
“No, you do not!” Hu shouted.
“Forget it! You two are mine,” Yoshi said, and laughed. “Go, get that pendant Koga!” Yoshi clenched his fist and Muk slithered at both the Grimer. They both prepared for battle in the shadowed forest, with the warm air. The Gym Leader of Fuchsia City relied on his son to find that pendant from that Venonat. This was because his wife had disappeared, and left the special jewellery behind in her place. It caused a lot of sadness and arguments between Koga, and Yoshi in the past.
Venonat dashed through more bush and Zubat swooped in the direction of the tree’s branches. The poisonous bat swerved between them like an acrobat and Koga rushed behind it. Venonat came to a stop and turned around. The charm flashed them both and blinded them. The pendant was a sparkled heart shape with a brown string around it.
“You are now cornered,” Koga said to Venonat. “Zubat, are you ready?” Zubat fluttered in the direction of Venonat who was cornered next to a tree. Leaves cascaded down the hierarchy and landed next to the purple bug.
“Zubat, use Air Cutter,” Koga shouted, and pointed. Zubat flapped its wings back and forth whilst sharp kunai of air sliced in the direction of Venonat. The air cutting effects sliced all over the fur ball’s coat. Venonat flew carelessly in pain and crashed into the murky floor. The bug creature struggled to get up and then reached to its small, brown feet.
Suddenly, Venonat shook its body rigorously and a Psychic attacked warped out. A blur of blue energy hazed at Zubat and turned it blue. Zubat was constricted by the absorbed psychic attack and slammed to the ground. The poisonous bat swept downwards in a circle quickly and head butted the grassy land. It squealed in pain and the flapped its wings again and gained flight. The pendant still remained around Venonat’s neck and sparkled once more. It was as if someone was stuck inside it…
“Zubat, use Bite!” Koga shouted, and clenched his fist. Zubat fluttered across the shadowed forest and clanged its sharp teeth onto Venonat’s purple body. It screeched a little and then counter attacked through the air with a Tackle. The Venonat’s Tackle bumped Zubat right on the noggin and it darted through the warm air. It screeched in pain as it pebbled into the sapped tree. Emerald leaves fluttered from the impact and scattered like rain.
“Almost there, Zubat!” Koga said, and cheered. “You can do it!” Zubat cackled to itself and flapped its wings violently. The bat swept over Venonat from a high altitude and then dived downwards. Venonat shivered with nerves and then rolled out of the way. Zubat’s mouth slammed into the dingy meadow and churned up the mud. It panicked because it ate the ground.
“Zubat, watch out,” Koga said, and warned. Venonat’s crimson eyes sprayed out a long, grey blast. It shined brightly and flashed at Zubat. The bat creature swerved in a circle and retaliated with a Sludge Bomb. A bubbly, poison bomb flooded out of Zubat’s sharp mouth and was impacted in the direction of Venonat. The fuzzy creature was bombed and poisonous attack bubbled around its purple coating. The individual fell to the ground and the pendant dropped off and onto the floor.
“The pendant,” Koga said as he picked up the pendant. Suddenly, a heavenly light emerged from the pendant and arrayed around Koga. The ninja trainer opened up his eyes and saw a female figure. The vision was not blurred from his eyes… This beautiful woman had dazzling, long red hair, which stretched to her shoulders. She blinked her oceanic-blue eyes and looked at Koga.
“Where am I?” Koga said, all he could see was this female. Her vivid, crimson dress covered her whole body and matched her rosy red heels.
“It’s me,” she said. “It’s your mother, Kurenai.” Koga saw his mother and his eyes widened.
“Mom,” Koga said, as tears drenched his eyes. He ran over to hug his mother and jumped straight through her.
“I am not real anymore,” Kurenai said. “I was trapped inside the pendant and would only be awakened if held by a Venonat. Therefore, I tricked this Venonat to steal it from you and that is why I communicated with you.” Kurenai started to cry and smiled at her son. She was so proud of him, and for starting his Pokemon journey.
“Mom…” Koga stuttered.
“Capture the Venonat,” Kurenai advised. “You can always talk to me then via the pendant, just like your father did. Now I must go before Venonat escapes.” She disappeared within the heavenly light…
“Zu-bat,” Zubat squeaked. Zubat fluttered around Venonat and grabbed Koga’s attention. He was zoned out like a zombie and the bat got so frustrated. Zubat flew at Koga’s pocket and grabbed the Pokeball with its mouth. It carried it with problems and then released it in the air. It dropped at Venonat, and sealed it up. The ball’s crimson light consumed the purple bug and dropped to the ground… It wriggled. Koga was still stunned by his mother being alive inside the pendant. Is there a way of getting her out of the pendant? Why was she trapped there in the first place? Did Yoshi defend himself from Hu and Go? Find out in the next chapter.
Re: The Secrets of the Pendant
Claimed. :) It'll take a couple days to grade, FYI.
EDIT: This is ATF here, because of the absence of Dragoness I'm putting this story back up for grabs unless otherwise stated by Dragoness, Kat, Scourge, or myself.
Re: The Secrets of the Pendant
Claimed. Up tomorrow or day after.
Re: The Secrets of the Pendant
Introduction:
Pretty good introduction, lots of suspense that kept my attention as a reader. Your detail painted a desperate picture of the trainer fleeing from his pursuers because his Pokemon was knocked out. You described Koga and the environment so that I had no trouble picturing what was happening and how everything worked.
I only had one problem with the introduction, but it’s not really a problem. I think the opening would have worked better had it been dark inside of a bright sunny day. It did work as a sunny day, but it would have created a scarier picture as Koga fled from some unknown monster. Just consider that for next time.
Plot:
Well, before I start with everything, I do want to say that I have lots of questions, but I can’t really delve into them because of your disclaimer at the end. I use that kind of stuff alot, but I’ve never been on the receiving end until now. While it does create an interesting story, it’s annoying for the reader to be left in the dark. I would only caution you that you don’t leave the reader too much in the dark.
Now, I really did like the concept of the story. Despite the many question buzzing through my head I did enjoy what I actually read, I was caught up in wondering what happened that I felt that I breezed through the story too fast. Props on that, if you can fully engage the attention of the reader that's a major part of making a successful story.
Because of your disclaimer at the end I’m having trouble really critiquing everything because most things relate back to the issues that you plan to explain in a later chapter. There is one thing that I can question though, why exactly was Koga in the forest in the first place? You said he was on an adventure, but that doesn’t really explain what he was doing. Every adventure has a goal, so you should have put something to explain this section of the story.
Also, something I nearly forgot, but you don’t need to have quotation marks around sounds and treat them as speech, you can just use them like detail. You didn’t have quotation marks around all the sounds so it wasn’t completely consistent, and to me it felt like it disrupted the story.
Description:
Really well done all around. You described everything I look for in a story pretty damn well that this could have easily been for a hard rank or higher. All the Pokemon were described so that if I didn’t know what they looked like I would have no trouble conjuring up an image of them. Despite all of us being people who play Pokemon, not all of the people who will look at your story will know what every Pokemon looks like. So your detail should be so that if a reader doesn’t know the Pokemon they can jump right in.
Your Pokemon attacks were well done also. Quote:
Zubat fluttered across the shadowed forest and clanged its sharp teeth onto Venonat’s purple body.
I liked this Pokemon attack because some people would only said that Zubat bit the Venonat, but wouldn’t have gone as far as to describe the Zubat biting into the Venonat. It’s little stuff like this that seems insignificant, but can really help the story. Plus you did this for all the Pokemon, so I can’t complain here also.
Because I don’t want to go down everything you did right, I do want to put something in here that I think you can work on. Your human description and personality was well defined and consistent throughout the story, but something I thought you could have done was to add facial features. This means to describe people’s faces by adding specific things to each person, like a scar or a sharp nose, that kind of stuff. This stuff can be hard to do, but well worth it for Complex level and higher stories.
Grammar:
Good grammar throughout, it looked as if you only had a few typos in the story. I pointed out a couple of them for the sake of pointing them out. But there was also a few other things that made more than a couple sentences confusing.
Quote:
The woodlands were surrounded by massive, king[-]like trees, which shadowed the grassy floor. Overgrow[n] plants, flustered over the walkways and created darkness.
A couple basic errors you probably overlooked, but you need a hyphen between ‘king’ and ‘like’. You are also missing a little in one of the words.
Quote:
“It is catching up?” [H]e whispered, and panted.
Whispered is still a dialogue tag so ‘he’ is not capitalized.
Quote:
The man screeched man stomped the flat ground, and his down, black hair flickered within the cold wind.
If you read the beginning of the sentence you can see what’s wrong, it doesn’t make any sense. I think I know what you are trying to see, but one of the words needs to be replaced or deleted.
Quote:
“You think we are that stupid[,] bug,” Hu said, as he stretched his hand in the direction of Venonat.
You need a comma before stupid, otherwise it seems that the brothers are calling themselves stupid bugs, when they clearly are trying to say that the bug is stupid.
Quote:
“Leave now, before it gets ugly,” Koga shouted, and pierced his eyes.
Koga pierced his own eyes? Clearly something is wrong with this sentence.
Quote:
The bat creature remembered Zubat protecting it from other poachers before it got Knocked Out.
Another mistake like the one above. How can Zubat remember knocking out Zubat?
Length:
Veno!
Conclusion:
Venonat Captured. Well done, you have developed much since I graded one of your stories months ago. Those mistake I saw then I no longer see now, and that’s a good thing.
@Fossil Fusion
