The Secret Desert (WWC)(Ready For Grading)

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    Registered User -Apollo-'s Avatar
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    Default The Secret Desert (WWC)(Ready For Grading)

    Ok This is a story for the Winter Writing Competition. I might base this story as a sequel and write more about these adventures. Hope you enjoy





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    The Secret Desert



    It was a nice cool day today, the wind wasn’t to strong and the sun wasn’t too hot. Well today is the day that I set out towards a new adventure. I was pretty nervous to be honest but I guess if you want to become the next great adventurer you will be nervous. I set off towards the port of Yovale and I grabbed two of my Pokemon balls and headed towards the Port. As I was walking towards Yovale, I had thought to myself what the new area would be like, would I be welcomed or will I be running away from ancient tribes. I was very interested in Ancient History such as the Aztecs, Mayans and Egyptians and I knew that this trip would be of great significance.

    As I walked into Yovale, I smelt the freshly caught fish. I was bombarded by the sheer noise of the market with people bartering with customers who were unwilling to buy. I would miss the smell and noise because where I was going to my whole lifestyle would change. I walked towards the ship and flashed a small grey card and boarded the ship, once safely aboard I headed to the accommodation to get settled in. I walked down the corridor and scanned the golden numbers on the doors. I kept walking until I reached a door with three gold numbers shinning brightly. I looked down at my card and then looked up at the door, this was my room.

    I opened my door to reveal a small room with a bunk bed placed into the corner, a simple white sink and a tiny porthole, from which the mid-afternoon sunlight shone into the room, dancing across the room as the gentle motion of the waves reflected the light. As I stared out of the window, the view took my breath away. Ocean as far as the eye could see, with sunlight glimmering off the pale blue surface and in the distant horizon beckoning me to my new journey. I started to look through the brochures lying on my table when I was interrupted by the telecom.

    “Hello, I would like to inform you that our estimated time of arrival is in 2 hours time. Aboard our ship you will find a vast array of facilities to ensure you have an enjoyable journey. Take a dip in the open air pool or relax beside the bar with our ship cocktails, for more information all rooms contain our brochure. Alternatively you can ask anyone of our friendly and helpful crew members, who will be glad to assist in anyway. I hope you have a lovely day and enjoy your trip with us.”

    I picked up my bag which lay on the floor and started to look through to find my music player. After picking out my Pokeballs, a map and a bottle of fresh cool water, I found my music player. I lay on my bed and started to listen to the Luther Vandross signing Dance With My Father’ It had been a favorite song of mine and it reminded me of my favorite childhood moments. I started to close my eyelids and the open them trying to resist the temptation of falling asleep but, eventually I gave in and closed them.


    ***


    “We have arrived at our destination; please find your way towards the exit to depart the ship. We hope that you have enjoyed the trip and wish you a great holiday”

    I woke up to the sound of the telecom ringing through my ear. I got out of my bed, with my music player falling to the floor, and quickly looked out of the window. I noticed a huge volcano in the centre of the island and a small town ahead of me.

    “Crap, I slept in” I said with a panicking tone

    I heard a knock on the door and answered it.

    “Sir, we have reached the island, you must hurry” said a young blonde women.

    “Umm I am coming now…” I replied nervously. I quickly turned back to my room and grabbed my bag and turned towards the door. I quickly closed the door and headed out through the small corridor. As I reached the end of the corridor I was struck by a bright white light. I shielded my eyes from the bright sun and headed towards the exit. When I reached the exit I was politely ushered off the ship. I was surprised at how nice the crew was, these cheap short distance ferries weren't known for their brilliant hospitality. I looked ahead towards the small port town, the huge volcano, located in the middle of the island.

    As soon as I reached the town I noticed one thing that was different. There was no noise; it was quiet with the odd ship coming in to drop of tourists. This place was a stop of location for tourists because the Cruise needed fuel to continue it voyage. So people sat down at café enjoying a nice cup of tea whilst enjoying the suns rays. This wasn’t the case for me; I had found out that this island had a secret desert. It may seem weird that there is such thing as a secret desert and I thought that when I heard about it. Now I am starting to think that there is actually a secret desert. There was letters from very famous explorers claiming that they had discovered the desert but after that none of them were seen again.

    I continued to walk through this quiet, peaceful town and headed towards the huge forest behind the town. As I reached the edge of the forest I grabbed a small red and white ball and threw it into the cool air. The ball landed on the ground and a flash came from the opening ball. Out came a large bat that flew towards my shoulder.

    “Whoa!” Crobat started to lick my face to show it happiness “Ok Crobat calm down, Ok we’re here to find the treasure” The Crobat smiled and flew ahead of me towards the forest. I guess it was as excited as I was.



    ***


    “I think we are here, the great secret desert, it’s beautiful.” Said first explorer to the other one who was standing shaking the torch he was carrying.

    “I don’t have a good feeling about this place” replied the second explorer.

    Suddenly there was a loud bang from behind them and both of them turned around. The second explorer shone his torch looking for the cause of the noise.

    “It’s nothing, must be the wind, come on you nervous wreck” ordered the first explorer.

    “Something is wrong about this place” nervously replied the second explorer.

    ***


    As I walked through the dense woods I noticed wild Pokemon continuing with there everyday lives. I saw an Aipom swing from tree to tree, several Kakuna resting up on the trees before they become Beedrill. I looked up and saw Crobat enjoying the surroundings. This was the habitat that Crobat’s enjoyed, along with caves and mountain areas. I looked ahead of me and noticed a small incline of the ground. Were we getting close to the treasure? As soon as I reached the end of the forest, I was amazed by what I saw. There were hundreds of small Aztec pyramids, all covered in overgrown shrub. This view was amazing. I could picture what it would have been like back in the Aztec years. Everyone helping to build these pyramids, then when they are built they watched sacred rituals. I continued walking ahead towards the small hill. As soon as I was walking up the hill I was hit by a gust of cool refreshing air. When I reached the top of the hill I saw a massive temple ahead of me. Could the temple lead the way towards the secret desert?
    ***


    “Aww that stinks, you could have warned me” exclaimed the first explorer.

    “That wasn’t me, I promise” replied the second explorer, still nervously holding the torch.

    Both of them reached a room with a tomb in the center. The second explorer shined the torch towards the tomb. The plaque upon the tomb was clearly very old; the letters were faded to the point where few words were legible. The two explorers walked closer and examined the words.


    'Beware of the........
    ........ will protect this ...... from ...... '



    ***


    I walked towards the Temple, unaware what I would find. I reached the entrance to the temple and scanned the surroundings. I felt the small stone men carved into a pillar which held up the entrance roof. I noticed that Crobat had gone ahead into the temple. I quickly hurried into the entrance calling Crobat’s name. What I didn’t notice as I ran into the temple was the half broken sign which read.


    “Explorers must ......
    These ruins are very ........”



    “Crobat, Crobat. Where are you boy, come back to me” I shouted as I was walking deeper into the temple. This place looked very deserted; there were ancient drawings on the wall of tribes fighting massive mammals from Ice Ages. As I turned round I noticed an empty oil light lamp flickering in the corner of the room. As I walked towards it I could feel the warm flame glowing with its last amount of energy. It was an Explorers lamp as I had seen it in the catalogue “Zack’s Grateful Explorations” Had someone already been here or even worse is someone already here?

    ***


    “Kadabra use Confusion” ordered the first explorer who looked very scary of what was in front of him.

    The Kadabra closed it eyes and suddenly opened them and stared at his opposition. It grabbed the spoon and pointed it towards the opposition. A multicolored wave came out from the spoon and smacked the other Pokemon.

    “Nice shot boss” replied the second explorer who was still carrying the oil lit lamp.

    Then the other Pokemon cried out loud as if it was calling to others. After the small Pokemon cried out loud a group of Pokemon came out. They all looked mad and started to prepare a powerful attack towards the Kadabra.

    “This isn’t looking good sir, shall we head back to camp?” nervously asked the second explorer.

    “I think that’s a good idea, Ok come on out Pidgeot and use Gust on the floor to create a distraction” replied the young man. He reached down his belt and picked a Pokeball and threw it into the air. Out came a huge bird with colorful feathers on its head-crest which is nearly as long as its body. It started to flap its wings towards the ground creating gale of wind towards the gravel floor. The small room was now completely full with dust particles mixed in the gust of wind.

    “Ok time to get out of here. We have to go back to the boardroom and work out a better plan. Kadabra get us out of here with Teleport” ordered the first explorer

    Kadabra turned round and nodded and started to focus on the spoon which both hands were placed on. Suddenly it cried out loud and suddenly disappeared in the dusty air. The wild Pokemon floated out to where the Kadabra was standing and cried out loud

    “Balllttoy.”


    ***


    “Crobat, Crobat where are you?” I was still searching for my Crobat after it flew off into the temple. I looked around the room that I had walked into. It was a very cramped room and the only light was coming from the old fashioned oil lantern. I scanned the room for any tunnels or doors till I noticed that there was a hole in wall, its cracked and scorched edges bore evidence to the pure power of the attacked that had caused it. I headed through the hole and gasped at the sight which was in front of me. I had found the secret desert that so many explorers had tried to find, or they had found it and hadn’t come back. I remember that people don’t come back from the desert that was in front of me. I was standing on a platform that overlooked the desert with an old stone staircase leading to the base of the desert. The desert was very big with sand dunes erecting from the base of the desert which were covered in sand, which was a different colour to the sand you see on a beach, it was very white. I noticed a couple of small sandstorms in the distance which moved from side to side picking up grains of sand. Suddenly I heard a feint cry that sounded like Crobat. It came from a small building that looked like an entrance to a further room.

    “I am coming Crobat, just stay there” I shouted as I ran down the stairs towards the desert and headed towards the small building. As I started to run through the desert I felt a gentle wind come from behind me. This gentle wind started to build up and within a few seconds I was standing in a middle of a sandstorm. I started to run faster towards the building but it felt like someone was pulling me back. I looked behind me and saw that I was going nowhere and that the sandstorm was getting bigger. I lunged for my belt and grabbed the last Pokeball.

    “Go Pokeball” I shouted as I threw the small red and blue ball up into the musty, sandy air. A white flash came from the Pokeball and out came an insect like dragon with rhombus shaped wings. It was my Flygon which I had for a very long time now. They call them ‘Spirit’s of the Desert’ because they flap their wings and create a sound which warns other Pokemon of a sandstorm.

    “Help me, Flygon!” I yelled

    She flew down and covered me in her wings. Whilst inside protected by the sandstorm I could hear the sandstorm swirl against the wings of Flygon and a sweet melody coming from the wings. This must be her trying to warn any other Pokemon to flee away from this place. The sound began to stop and I could hear the sandstorm getting quieter and then Flygon lifted her wings.

    “Thanks a lot Flygon, I would have been a dead man without you” I patted the insect like dragon and reached for its Pokeball. I bent down and pick it and point it towards Flygon, and then it disappeared into a red beam and went into the Pokeball. I quickly turned towards the small building and started to run. I hope Crobat’s alright I said to myself. Then suddenly I heard a familiar sound come from that small room.

    “Crobat I am coming” I shouted as I ran towards the room.

    As I ran towards the small room I noticed a small purple thing flying in the opposite direction. I stopped to try and get a better picture then I realized what it was. It was Crobat but he seemed very weak and tired by flying up and down. It looked like it was hurt by something.

    “Crobat come here, you alright” I said in a soothing tone. Crobat fell into my arms right in front of me. It had scares and bruises that looked very painful. Crobat looked into my eyes and tried to move his wing in a direction where he had been hurt.

    “Who was it Crobat?” I said calmly trying to get another jester or point. Crobat tried to get up but didn’t have the ounce of strength. I looked again where he tried to point to and noticed that he was pointing towards the small building.

    “Ok, you have a rest Crobat, I will see what’s in there” I grabbed Crobat’s ball and placed it near it body, seconds later Crobat disappeared into the ball.


    ***


    As I walked towards the small building, I was thinking why Crobat was scared? After 5 minutes walking through the desert I reached the small old building. I looked into the building and noticed an old stone staircase. On the outside the building was inscribed with Pokemon that look like letters and what looked like two trainers having a Pokemon battle. I carried on and walked down the stairs into the dark looking room.

    As I walked into the room I noticed another warm oil lit lamp. It looked like someone was already here, and the question why did they leave? I walked into the middle of the room and noticed a small tomb. I walked closer, not knowing what would happen, and bent down and tried to read the ancient writing that was written on the tomb. It read:


    'Beware of the .......
    ........ will protect these ....... from .......'



    Suddenly I heard a faint sound from the corner of the room. I shone my lamp to the corner and noticed a hole in the wall. I got back up onto my feet and slowly walked towards the hole. Before I reached the hole I heard another sound, this time it was louder. I quickly ran back towards the tomb and kept the light fixed to the hole. Then I noticed a small tan-and-red figurine lying in the corner of the room next to the hole. I walked towards the figurine, with the lantern still fixed to the hole. I bent down and looked at the small figurine then suddenly It started to move and float into the right next to me.

    “Ballltooyy” screamed the small Baltoy.

    Had this been the Pokemon that scared Crobat? Had this been the Pokemon that also scared away the other people? If so then I must capture it. I then remember that my only Pokemon that is fit enough for a battle is my Flygon. I reached down and grabbed the small ball and threw it into the air. Out came the desert dragon and cried out loud, it looked like Flygon was in the mood for this battle.

    “Ok Flygon use Dragonbreath on Baltoy.”

    The Flygon flew up into the air and opened it mouth and produced a ray of blue and yellow flames towards the Baltoy. However Baltoy started to spin around towards the flames. It cut right through the flames and smacked Flygon in the stomach. Baltoy still looked like it took damage but Flygon took the most from that vicious attack.

    “You ok Flygon?” The desert dragon nodded towards me and flew back to its original position. “Ok Flygon use Heat Wave.”

    Flygon flew higher and at the peak of the flight it turned around and flapped its wings together. It produced a wave of heat that soared towards Baltoy. I shielded my face from the sheer heat of that attack. Before the wave reached Baltoy, Baltoy clapped both hands together and produced a green wall that reduced that power of the wave.

    “Damn, umm ok Flygon use Dragon Claw and then Dragonbreath.”

    Flygon started to fly down towards Baltoy and all of a sudden its claws began to get bigger. It swooped over Baltoy and scratched Baltoy with a powerful Dragon Claw. Flygon flew back up and opened it mouth to perform a Dragonbreath attack but Baltoy started to raise boulders from the ground. It spun round in a circle and then stopped straight in line with Flygon and fired the floating boulders towards Flygon. I tried to order Flygon to dodge but the boulders hit Flygon before I could think of the words. I looked across at the Baltoy and noticed that it was spinning towards the path of Flygon, picking momentum as it traveled closer to Flygon.

    “Flygon use Draco Meteor now!” I commanded.

    Flygon fired a small red ball up in the air and it split into thousand of small red balls and landed across the room. Baltoy was hit by a couple of these balls and spun out of course towards the pillar holding up the room. The pillar started to fall but managed to hold itself up on some of the fallen debris. It wasn’t going to hold itself for a long time; I had to end this battle. I looked across at Baltoy and looked pretty tired. I grabbed my rucksack and grabbed another Pokeball from it.

    “Go Pokeball” I threw the ball towards the grounded Baltoy. It disappeared into the small ball and rolled twice, thrice and finally for the fourth time. I grabbed the ball and hurried out of the building.

    “Come on Flygon hurry” I called to the desert dragon who look bewildered at what had happened. I rushed up the stairs before the small building collapsed on us. I looked behind and noticed a pile of debris. It was a quick getaway in my opinion I then looked at the Pokeball which was lying in my hand.

    “Flygon take us home” I shouted to Flygon. She flew down towards me and lay parallel to the ground. I quickly jumped on her back. “Let’s get out of here” I exclaimed and with that she flapped her rhombus shaped wings and took off into the direction where we came from.
    Last edited by -Apollo-; 8th December 2010 at 10:58 AM.

  2. #2
    Dance in the ashes Dragoness's Avatar
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    Pumpkin Re: The Secret Desert (WWC)(Ready For Grading)

    I am breaking this grade into different sections, but you'll find that each section overlaps with each other. Just an FYI.

    Introduction - In Which I Shall Answer These Questions:
    Did the intro interest me? Did it introduce me to important characters, settings or hints of the plot?

    The first few paragraphs introduce the story to the readers. It is their first glimpse of what is to come. You eased me into the story, introducing me to the main character (who is telling this story in 1st person) and went on from there. Kewl =)

    It caught my attention. It wasn't quite the content that was the hook, but more so that you kept things fairly concise and on subject.

    I'd be careful of repeating yourself. It's obvious to say "Omit needless words", but it is also something to keep in mind as you are writing. It is tricky: you need to think after & as you are writing if what you are saying is actually needed, which means you need to decide what is needed and what is not. Example:

    Quote Originally Posted by Secret Desert
    I set off towards the port of Yovale and I grabbed two of my Pokemon balls and headed towards the Port.
    There are a few different issues with this sentence. The first eight words of that sentence tell me that our hero is shooting off to the port; yet you repeat that fact in the last four words of the same sentence. Not needed. It came off as a bit rough and blunt. Go off to the port already :P

    Also, readers read things in order, so unless otherwise noted, they will assume that whatever you bring up first is going to happen first. A better fit for this sentence might be: "I grabbed two Pokemon balls and headed off to Yovale Port."

    Which brings me to another point. "Pokemon balls." Umm...that's a bit off putting. Usually they are calling Pokeballs and yes, I guess they can belong to Pokemon, but whether they belong to the Pokemon or the trainer doesn't matter. Pokeballs is not only standard, but is also one less word. Win-Win.
    --
    Whaaaat? Grammar, Baby, Grammar:

    When the sentence after dialogue is dependent on the dialogue, use a comma. Put the comma in the quotation marks. Example:

    Quote Originally Posted by Secret Desert
    “Crap, I slept in” I said with a panicking tone.
    Becomes:

    Quote Originally Posted by Secret Desert; bolded comma by Dragoness
    “Crap, I slept in,” I said with a panicking tone.
    "Too" = in addition or in excess, i.e. 'He's dancing and she is too.' or 'I ate too much pasta!'; "to" = a preposition, in the direction of, i.e. 'We took the road that goes to town.' or 'They came to our rescue.'

    Spell out words under a hundred (with the exceptions of dates and times). So "We leave in 2 hours." Would be "We leave in two hours."

    Use a comma before a coordinating conjunction. Coordinating conjunctions join independent clauses (an independent clause is a sentence that can stand by itself). Six coordinating conjunctions are: but, and, for, or, nor and yet.
    Example:

    Quote Originally Posted by Secret Desert; bolded comma by Dragoness
    I was pretty nervous to be honest, but I guess if you want to become the next great adventurer you will be nervous.
    And yes, I don't actually use a comma before the conjunction "and". I should and you ought too as well >.<

    "There" = at a place, like 'I dropped the pen over there.'; "their" = a person/being, like 'The Pokemon continued on with their super-licious and cunning lives.'

    I spotted a few typos. I'm not one to point all or even a few out. Even when you proofread multiple times, typos still slip by. I suggest going over future stories at least three or four times and giving yourself at least a few days to proofread/relax before posting a story. I also saw some switches in tense ('is' instead of 'was' or vice versa, for example). I do that too; I'd keep an eye out for typos like that.
    --
    Plot and Writing Observations:

    "Omit needless words." What is needful and what is needless? (I'm asking you; it's your story after all). There are a couple types of needless sentences/paragraphs: grammar needless and story needless.

    Groups of words that I personally call 'grammar needless' are bulky in sentence structure. Example:

    He is a man who...
    Can usually be turned into this adequate sentence:

    He...
    Or:

    In a hasty manner...
    Can be:

    Hastily
    'Story needless' are details that are not needful to your story. As you're writing and/or after you're writing, ask yourself if the words you are using are doing what you want them to? You don't want to bore your readers with endless amounts of detail, but you do want to set up the right atmosphere and you want to set up a clear image in the reader's mind of what you see. I don't have a concise and concrete set of rules to give you, just a reminder to think about your story as you're writing it.

    About the actual plot, I found it interesting. A secret desert, maybe some serious mojo goin' on. The temple houses a kind of desert, sweet. There are several questions left: exactly how does our hero know know about the desert? What about the explorers? And the tomb + Baltoy?

    --
    Can I Have a Shoutout for Dee-Scip-Sin?
    Description is important for fictional stories; important enough to merit its own glitter coated cubby.

    When you are introducing important characters, or interesting scenes, then description becomes important too. Like when you introduced the explorers. I mean, c'mon, its explorers. And I think their digging for buried treasure! Or at least exploring in hopes of something good, special, awesomely-awesome. Maybe precious dreams, maybe a waterfall of magic, perhaps little pineapples dancing under the harvest moon? You never know.

    Also, are we looking into the past and observing dead explorers or explorers that are still alive? It did not occur to me that the explorers weren't alive until I reached the end of the story. Might wanna make that clear to the reader.

    More importantly, you built up this great secret desert, which turns out to be housed in a temple (presumably a pretty big temple 'cause deserts are huge). But you don't really go deep in the details or effects of the details. I'd expect more ohhs and ahhhs and wows! I'd expect more details on how everything looks. I felt there wasn't enough description of this desert/temple.

    I noticed many times you said what was happening, but not how it was happening or how it made the characters feel. It's fine to sometimes simply list things, but generally you should try and add some feel to the descriptive process.

    Keep in mind clarity. For example, that scene where Kadraba is fighting a Pokemon. Bit confusing. I'm not sure if it was Baltoy who Kadraba was fighting or not. Later it became clear, but for a while I was mildly confused.

    Also, you slipped in how this horde of angry Pokemon came and started to attack in the space of two sentences. It was very quick, it was very short, but it was important 'cause it chased our explorers off. I did not know much about how Kadraba and the explorers felt or how the Pokemon were really behaving--screeching, stomping, snarling, ect.

    You often overused words--'desert' for example. If you find yourself using the same word multiple times in a few short sentences, then whip out your Thesaurus (or Google one) and find a synonym. Or rearrange the sentences so you can avoid having to use a variation 'desert' or whatever word.

    It was Crobat but he seemed very weak and tired by flying up and down. It looked like it was hurt by something.
    Is Crobat a he or an it? She-he? Sh-male? Shale? You did the same with Flygon; calling Flygon a girl and an 'it'.

    Ah! Final note: what is our hero's name? The first person style does not necessarily mean that the author is the main character.

    --
    Battle:

    The battle was decent. You described the attacks, which is great :) You remembered the environment. Coolio. I felt maybe it was a little one sided, but that's nitpicking. No, my main concern is...

    The setting. Yes, there was a pillar and boulders and dirt, but I really didn't have a clear idea of what the environment was. You don't need to--and shouldn't--describe every boulder, twig and pebble. However, a couple sweeping descriptions can take care of the problem nicely. I know it's a tomb, but if I knew a bit more about it and how it made the character/Pokemon feel--scared, spooky, comforted, old 'n dusty, ect. Something to think about.
    --
    Length: Approx. 18,980 characters. Sweet.

    --
    Outcome: Overall, it was a pretty neat story. I liked it. There are still questions left unanswered and at points it felt a little hurried. If this is a stand alone story, then you'll need to answer some of these questions (what is up with the tomb? What is up with the explorers mentioned? And the Baltoy?). If it's part of a series, then you will have to answer these questions later on.

    Hmm? Oh yes. Baltoy captured. Congrats! :) You earned the little bugger.
    Faith
    ...
    Siggie by Dragoness, aka me | Married 2 Noble One

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