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Thread: SCUM

  1. #1
    no Tyranitex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Well, I can tell you somewhere that I'm not

    Default SCUM

    This story is dedicated to Alaskapigeon. Though this isn’t exactly what I had in mind when I thought of you, if I had put down what I really wanted to, it wouldn’t be forum appropriate. Hope you enjoy this, vengeful one.

    Oh and disclaimer for language. But it’s the righteous kind, so you won’t mind

    Pokemon: Remoraid, Combee
    Required Characters: 15,ooo-3o,ooo
    Actual Characters:19,418





    “Okay, back up a bit.”

    “You asked me what I was thinking about.” Jane leaned against a sink staring into space while Gracie focused on her face in the mirror, checking her make-up.

    “Well, yeah.” Gracie rolled her eyes with a small waver in her voice, and wiped an invisible imperfection away from the bottom of her lip. “But what do you expect me to say to that?” She stared for a bit and then stood up straight. She made a pouting face and then, deciding that it was passable, snapped close the compact and replaced it in her purse.

    “Well, you asked me what I was thinking about. She was thinking about sex.” Jane was still staring into space. She sighed. Gracie snapped her fingers in front of her face and said,

    “Well, I guess we can talk about that. Anything, well anyone, in particular?” She was rummaging in her purse now, avoiding Jane’s gaze by looking for some perfume sample that she had stolen from a store.

    “No, not really. I was just wondering what it’s like.” Gracie found the sample and sprayed it in front of her before walking into it, eyes shut. The sun streaming in from the opaqued window illuminated the small droplets of alcohol and petroleum byproduct floating in the air to the subtle wind patterns of the bathroom. For the first time since she leaned against the sink, Jane moved. She scrunched up her nose slightly and sniffed.

    “Well, it’s awesome, apparently. I mean why would people do it if it didn’t feel good. The only other reason is to populate the earth with more screaming balls of fat, and god knows we don’t want that.” The waver remained in her voice, but it was well disquised as an angry quaver.

    “Hmmm... Yeah. I guess, I just want to know.” She stood up and flattened out her green skirt and tights. She was tall and thin. Her face was pale but soft. It looked as if it had no dimension, like if you tried to touch it, your hand would sink through and you’d realize that it was really just an illusion. She blended perfectly with the crowd of high-schoolers, especially since they were forced to wear uniforms; forrest green, black, and white.

    “Whatever. Let’s just go.” Gracie bounced out of the bathroom with her light brown curls following suit behind her.


    After school, they drove home to Gracies’ mom’s house in Gracie’s car. They were supposed to be doing a project for English, but it could wait; they would just finish it over the weekend.

    It was a sunny afternoon in Veilstone. The girls were getting ready for the beach. It was rare for the mountain city to have warm weather and the girls were taking advantage of it.

    In Gracie’s room, Jane had fitted herself with a bright blue bikini and was sporting some dark sunglasses on top of her wavy black hair.

    “You look a lot like Anne Hathaway when you don’t straighten your hair. I like it.” Gracie pulled up on her own flower print swimsuit and threw two towels into the bag. Jane stared at herself in the mirror. She like what she saw as well, but she wouldn’t go so far as to say Anne Hathaway. Gracie probably just felt guilty for going to the beach looking like a model. Jane smiled and they walked out into the room, sandals slapping against their feet.

    “Kay, mom. I have my phone,” Gracie called into the kitchen as they walked to the front door.

    “Be back by nine. Family dinner. Jane’s invited,” her mom commented without looking up from a magazine she held while eating a bowl of cereal. They walked ou the door.


    They had to drive through the city to get to the beach. On the way, they decided to stop by a mall and grab some snacks for the beach.

    “Be right back,” Gracie commented as she grabbed her purse and walked into the convenient store. Jane leaned back in her seat and pulled on her sunglasses. She dismissively tapped the power button on the radio and tuned to a station.

    Sin-noh-Reg-ion girls, they’re unforgettable! Fine, fresh, fierce they got it on lock!

    She rolled down the window and let the temperate breeze roll in to the car. She caught her reflection on the side mirror. She sighed again.

    What is it with us girls? Why do they always think about our bodies so much? she thought annoyedly. She knew all about the societal pressures and and shit. She wasn’t really fucked up like the bulimic and anorexic girls, but she still felt the way she did about her body; especially next to Gracie. She didn’t mind, they had been best friends since seventh grade, but it was a bit repetitive to always get second best of the groups of boys that hoarded around them. She glanced over at Gracie and rolled her eyes.

    Gracie was talking to some boys in the shop. Of course, Jane thought. She leaned over to the drivers seat and beeped the horn. They all whipped their heads around and Gracie made a face that said “Just wait, ok?”

    After about another minute Gracie returned from the shop holding a giant bag of chips and four sodas. She sat in the driver’s seat and backed out.

    “So? What was that?” Jane said pulling a chip from the bag.

    “Well, She talked to them and they’re from our school. So, I invited them to come and hang out with us on the beach. They said they’ll bring some fun.” Gracie was grinning as she pulled out of the parking lot and out on to the street again.

    “Gracie!” Jane cried to the amusement of Gracie who turned up the music and sped off into the next intersection, barely making the yellow light.


    They pulled into the beach at about four and set up. Gracie insisted on putting their stuff next to the rocky cliff at one edge of the beach. This beach was not a public beach. It didn’t have a lifeguard and wasn’t regulated by the local government and such. It was just a spot for teenagers to hang out when they didn’t want adults breathing down their necks.

    The beach was already pretty crowded. After they put their stuff down, Jane noticed a friend of hers playing soccer. Curtis was sweet. She had been his friend since elementary school; before she even knew Gracie.

    “Hey, Curtis!” she called. He turned back and smiled. He waved her over.

    “Hey, Janey. Wanna play some?” He kicked the soccer ball to her. She was on the school soccer team so she felt fairly confident about the sport. Still… She glanced back at Gracie to see her already falling into a conversation with another girl.

    “Sure,” she said and dribbled around Curtis. He had been playing with another girl and a few other boys. Jane passed to a boy she knew whose name was Jeremy. They passed it around for a bit and then divided into teams to play some 4v4. Curtis was pretty good, but he had quit the men's soccer team at the school halfway through freshman year. Apparently, he just didn’t like how competitive it was. He always came to watch the women’s games, though. He said that they were so much nicer; they were motivated less by the satisfaction of winning and more by the love of the game.

    Jane had to admit, she would quit too if people started freaking out at every ref call against her team. She saw Curtis dribbling past her teammate and smiled; he deserved a team like he wanted. She was definitely better than him, though. She had been in soccer before he started, and continued longer than he had. She was on the same soccer team as Maylene, though Maylene was on every sport team available at the school. Speaking of which, Maylene had joined the game and was dominating.

    They kept adding people to the team against her until it was just her against everyone. She was screaming with joy as she kicked the ball over peoples’ heads and sped up to catch it in its way down. She was so hilarious with her bright pink hair and short stature. They ended up breaking as many rules as they could to get at her. She just squealed with delight as people attempted to tackle and trip her. She ended up head butting the ball into the goal before being dog piled on the ground. They all were out of breath and laughing crazily. They got off and decided that was the best place to stop.

    She walked back over to Gracie and checked the time on my cell phone. It was 5:30 and Gracie was catching some rays.

    “Having fun?” She said putting my cell phone back in to the bag. She stuck her tongue out and smiled.

    “I can see that you were.” Jane laughed.

    “Yeah, I love Maylene.”

    “Oh, yeah because that’s who I was talking about,” said Gracie.

    “What are you talking about?”

    “What am I talking about? You know what, nevermind, just ignore me.” Gracie grinned harder.

    “You are so weird,” Jane said and laughed. She was tired from the long game. She smiled and laid down next to her friend. The sun was warm and with her sunglasses on, she so fell asleep to the sound of the surf.


    When she woke it was to the light of a bonfire. The people had gathered drift wood around the beach and piled it into a sizable stack. The wood was ablaze and it was a comforting to see as the first thing to see as she woke up. The day was nearing an end. Smears of color stacked like age lines on the horizon. Some Combee buzzed over the surface, playing games with eachother. A spurt of water flew up and playfully came close to hitting one of the bee Pokemon . Jane smiled at the small Pokemon. Above the gorgeous, blue water, it was practically a light show, with the vivid colors smeared across the background. She sat up and stared into the beautiful sunset. Something suddenly occurred to her.

    She stood and began to look for Gracie. She found Gracie wading in the shallows with some boys. Jane pulled her aside to ask her the question.

    “Remember the boys you invited?”

    “Hmm? Oh, yeah, at the convenient store. What is it? Are they here?”

    “When were they going to arrive?”

    “Oh, just whenever.”

    Jane rubbed her cold, wet arm. She looked into the shallows contemplatively.

    “I’ll be over here,” Gracie said as she walked back to the boys.

    Jane waded out of the water and sat next to Curtis at the bonfire. It was warm and she felt the droplets evaporating off of her skin.

    “Hey, Curt. You wanna help me bring me and Gracie’s stuff over here?” Jane poked him and he poked back. They stood up and began to walk toward the cove on the side of the beach. A car drove up, playing loud music, and both people turned their heads to observe as they walked. Some boys piled out and stumbled towards the beach, smiling and laughing. Jane raised an eyebrow in skepticism.

    C’mon, these can’t be them. But the boys threw down their stuff when they reached the beach, pulled off their shirts, and splashed loudly towards Gracie. Jane turned to the cove and kept walking. Curt was about to say something, but instead let out a sharp, accusing breath. Jane knew what he was talking about.

    When they had all been in 8th grade, Gracie had become quite the sexual spectacle. She had gotten used to the attention boys, and got power hungry. She became really risky, doing stupid things for the sole attention of boys. One night she went to a party at a high-schoolers’ house and got pretty drunk. She was the youngest one here, but she had always looked older than she was so no one noticed. As the story goes, she was taken into a back room with a senior. They were there for fifteen minutes before someone walked in. The senior had pulled off her shirt, but she was too drunk to stop him. She protested, but he had continued. The boy that walked in on them stopped the senior and called Jane’s number in Gracie’s phone; it had, then, been listed as ‘BestieJanie’. It was fate that saved her that night. Since then, Jane made Gracie promise that she would come with her anytime she went anywhere. It was hushed up and her parents never found out.

    Looking at those boys rush at Gracie made Jane sick. Curtis knew it wasn’t his place, but he still wanted to show his concern somehow.

    “Gracie doesn’t need those douchebags.” He settled on that.

    “Ya think?” Jane said irritably not looking back at them, but hearing Gracie’s voice ring out, higher pitched than normal. She snatched up the stuff and Curtis bundled up the two towels. As they walked back to the bonfire, she was forced to look at the boys circling Gracie in a splash fight. She was stiff. She decided firmly, then, that she wasn’t going to have sex ever. Boys were just too stupid to deserve her. They sat back down at the bonfire and Jane pulled out some of the chips that were in her bag and began to eat them furiously. The two sat in silence, unnoticed by the laughing, chatting, unsuspecting crowd of teens. It was silent, screaming blasphemy.


    Jane had now mostly forgotten about the boys. She was immersed in a conversation about soccer tactics with Maylene and Curtis and the angry worry was now no more than a small pebble in the bottom of her stomach. She laughed for the first time in the last hour. Maylene was describing a move that she had used when she was in elementary school. She had used the other players’ shin-guard as a backboard for her to get the ball into the goal. It was ruined by a shriek of laughter coming from the area of the surf. The three whipped their heads around. The boys were crowded around Gracie and they were tickling her.

    “No no! Please stop!” Gracie shrieked weakly, laughter inhibiting her voice. Jane marched over to the water as if she had a wake of fury spreading away from her. Before she could get there, though, the boys were blown backwards in a giant spray of water and wind. Knocked back, Jane now had a clear route to Gracie. A Combee was hovering above Gracie’s head and a Remoraid floated next to her in the water. Jane stormed to Gracie and helped her up. Jane felt a wave of nausea and fury wash over her as she saw Gracie’s bikini shifted from its original place. She whipped around after she was sure Gracie was standing up straight. She was seeing red now.

    “Who the fuck do you think you are? What in the world makes you think that it’s fucking okay to do that? You better run, maggots.” The boys looked at Jane, sizing her up.

    “We were just messing around,” one called out uncertainly. It seemed to reinvigorate the confidence in the rest of them.

    “Yeah, what are you going to do anyway? You’re just a girl.” They laughed.

    “Oh yeah?” Maylene splashed in and stood next to Jane. “I think you meant girls. Now get lost, scum, or you can say goodbye the hard way.”

    They just laughed more. Apparently, they were from out of town and not familiar with Maylene. Unfortunately, her small stature and bright hair didn’t do much for intimidation for those that didn’t know her my reputation.

    “Well I guess it’s a battle they want,” one of the boys called and pulled out a Poke ball. Maylene looked at Jane with rage in her eyes. They both knew that these punks were in for a beating. Jane looked back at the two Pokemon that had originally repelled the perverts. The Combee and Remoraid looked at her confidently and took new and defensive positions to the front of her. This battle wasn’t about to be a normal, by-the-rules 1v1 or 2v2, but since when had anything having to do with these boys fair or by-the-rules.

    Maylene yanked a Pokeball off of the necklace at her chest and released her Lucario. Confident that there was no way to lose this fight, Jane gritted her teeth.

    The boys, collectively, only had four Pokemon: a Scyther, a Klang, a Marshtomp, and a Vibrava. The boys that owned the Pokemon each called out their corresponding attacks as Jane and Maylene did so to theirs.

    “Bullet Seed, Remoraid, and Air Slash with Swift to back it up, Combee." The Pokemon jumped into action. Fastly pounding, rock-sized seeds sprayed like shotgun fire at the other Pokemon and pushed them back. Maylene's Lucario was charging an Aura Sphere, so Combee had to make time for the move to be ready.

    Combee flew in a blinding loop with her wings at her side in such a way that it folded the air into a subtle blade. The blade flew out horizontally at the defending Pokemon with the same effect as a sideways slash with a samurai sword. The Pokemon were all buffeted. Next the bee Pokemon waved its wings powerfully and released razor sharp stars which battered against the now fearful Pokemon.

    "C'mon! Get them!" cried one of the now fearful boys. "Marshtomp!"

    The Marshtomp had been pretty battered by the Bullet Seed, but it still had enough energy to follow this direct command. It dipped down and welled water in its mouth. When it stood back up, the water had frozen and it began to glow. It spat a beam of glittering ice in Jane’s direction. Jane held up her arms, but didn’t feel anything. When she opened her eyes, she saw the Remoraid struggling to help the Combee up out of the water with one side of its body iced over. The Combee also had a side that had been iced. Jane pulled the Combee out of the water with haste and pulled the Remoraid up with her other hand. They had jumped in front of her.

    The sacrifice had not been in vain though. As Jane looked over at Maylene, she saw that her Lucario was finished with the Aura Sphere.

    “Now, Lucario!” Maylene called. Lucario pushed out with his hands and released the glowing blue ball of Aura. It made its way to every Pokemon on the field, smashing into each one as it reached them. All of the Pokemon were knocked out by the attack. The boys were forced to return them to their Pokeballs and struggle back out of the water.

    “Don’t ever come near any of us again.” Jane said just loud enough for them to hear. They looked backed at her briefly and then quickly gathered their stuff and left in the car in which they had come.

    Jane turned to Gracie, whom was sitting in the shallow water and crying. Jane waded over to her, releasing the two Pokemon.

    “Don’t ever let anyone do that to you.” Jane shifted Gracie’s head to look up at her. “I know I won’t.” Gracie nodded and stood with Jane’s help. Jane walked back to the Pokemon, handing Gracie off to Curtis as she did. Maylene stood in the water with Lucario and Jane next to the hurt Pokemon.

    “Thank you for that,” Jane said, trying to pull away the ice that was crystallized on the two Pokemon. Maylene placed a hand on Jane’s, pulling it back.

    “Lucario, Heal Pulse.” The blue Pokemon’s hands began to glow bright pink. He pushed them under the surface of the water and they pulsed outward. Other than beautifully illuminating the sand underneath the shallow water, it melted off the ice on the two Pokemon and sent a warm wave through Jane. It felt like friendship and strength and loyalty. It strengthened everyone at the beach.

    Soon, people were back at the bonfire and laughing. Everyone except for Jane had left the water. She looked at the two Pokemon, standing in the dark tide.

    “Thank you for your help. I don’t know what would’ve happened if you hadn’t done that.” They smiled and the Remoraid squirted water up at her. She laughed.

    “You guys are sweet. Do you want to come with me?” Combee circled her head with a buzzing sound like laughter and Remoraid jumped out of the water with another squirt to the face. She laughed again and splashed to the shore, grabbing two Pokeballs from her bag and returning. She pressed both of their silver buttons and the two Pokemon flashed into a bright light before flowing into the spheres.

    She held the balls in her hands. They shook slightly. Once, twice...

  2. #2
    Leader of the Autobots Dinobot's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010

    Default Re: SCUM

    Introduction/Plot: Your story begins with sex. Not the action itself, but two girls talking about it. This could draw the attention of some people, so it’s a good start. It sort of kept my attention a little, but just barely. You introduced who to the main characters physically, but not mentally which is a bit of a problem.

    The plot is okay. I wouldn’t go as far as to say original, but definitely something interesting. Girls go to beach. Spot some cute guys along the way and invite to go with them. They play a soccer game and one of the girls falls asleep. She wakes and sees a bonfire. She later notices her friend is being harassed so goes to protect her. They fend off the boys with help from a random Remoraid and Combee.

    This story could’ve have gone many ways in my opinion. For example, at some point I thought one of the girls was going to be raped since it was after sunset, I guess it was the mood of the story that led me to think that. I also thought Gracie was going to get raped being around all those boys. I think a lot more could have been done with this story, but for the Pokémon you are aiming for is fine.

    Dialogue: Didn’t see much of a problem here. Was pretty much easy to read and I could tell when one of the characters was saying something.

    Grammar: Didn’t see much of a problem here either, just a couple of typos and such, don’t rush it:
    They walked out the door.
    “Hey, Curt. You wanna help me bring me and Gracie’s stuff over here?”
    Should be “Hey, Curt. You wanna help me bring Gracie’s and my stuff over here?”

    Detail: Detail isn’t really that strong in this story as I couldn’t really feel myself there. You didn’t describe the two main characters well enough for me to see, and that is a problem since I couldn’t see the ‘beautiful’ girls the way you saw them. We know one of them may look a little like Anne Hathaway, but let’s say I had never seen her before. I would still not know what she looked like. Tell me specific features. What color are her eyes? How tall is she? Does she have a tan? Small details like that really help the reader picture more of what your characters look like and will make your story much more… alive so to say.

    You did a good job describing some of the scenery. For example, the quote below was one of the best descriptions I got throughout the story. You should definitely do more of the following as it will help make your story that much better:

    When she woke it was to the light of a bonfire. The people had gathered drift wood around the beach and piled it into a sizable stack. The wood was ablaze and it was a comforting to see as the first thing to see as she woke up. The day was nearing an end. Smears of color stacked like age lines on the horizon. Some Combee buzzed over the surface, playing games with eachother. A spurt of water flew up and playfully came close to hitting one of the bee Pokemon . Jane smiled at the small Pokemon. Above the gorgeous, blue water, it was practically a light show, with the vivid colors smeared across the background. She sat up and stared into the beautiful sunset. Something suddenly occurred to her.

    Story – Simple + Medium = 15k – 30k

    You – 19k+ = Pass

    Reality: The only thing I had a problem with was a Combee at the beach. It didn’t really fit in my opinion. My initial thought was why is there a Combee here at the beach?

    Battle: The only battle in the story was the battle against the boys who were harassing Gracie. That battle itself was a bit disappointing since it didn’t last very long and wasn’t all that interesting. The boys sent out Scyther, Klang, Marshtomp, and Vibrava. The girls had on their team a Lucario, and two wild Pokémon, Combee and Remoraid. The girls are already at a disadvantage since they are outnumbered. The battle could have definitely been longer. Perhaps make the boys hurt more for what they did. You did however do well in describing the attacks that they used, like here for example:

    Combee flew in a blinding loop with her wings at her side in such a way that it folded the air into a subtle blade. The blade flew out horizontally at the defending Pokemon with the same effect as a sideways slash with a samurai sword.

    Outcome: The outcome is…

    Both Pokémon captured. I was a bit skeptical on this. Your description wasn’t that great (though it had its moments) and the battle wasn’t very interesting, but for a Medium and Simple Pokémon, I think its fine. Keep in mind what I said though.
    Even in death, there is no command but MINE!™°|
    White FC: 0776 8732 5101
    3DS FC: 4914 3333 8109 IGN: Jerome


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