Scales of Worth (GRADED)

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  1. #1
    Avada Kedavra! Morru Magnum's Avatar
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    Default Scales of Worth (GRADED)

    Title: "Scales of Worth"
    No. of characters: 5970
    Target Pokémon: Magikarp [Easiest Level; 3000-5000 characters]


    *image by SailorChef on DeviantArt


    SOMEWHERE IN JOHTO

    It has been three months since fifteen year old Nick left to begin his Pokémon Journey. And within that certain lapse of time he managed to evolve Scorne into a Houndoom, a bold and rather feisty Pokémon that was his starter; acquire the companionship of a Tyranitar he bestowed the name of Gareth; and capture a Togepi which is now a cheery Togetic by the name of Melisand. Along the way he has met various people and Pokémon alike, he even has a rival now.

    A humid breeze swept Nick’s sable hair, his back carrying a moderately-sized valise, as he and Scorne strolled side by side into a verdant forest. There was a brilliant mixture of emeralds and greens, the lush beauty of the undergrowth exemplified by the numerous twisted vine structures that surrounded the environment.

    Not only were these vines appear to be beautiful, they were strong- like a dense chain nature grew to barricade what is beyond. In order to proceed, Nick had to draw out a machete from his bag to cut the wall of vines. As impenetrable as they seemed, the vines were no match for Nick’s Lairon-steel made equipment that his father gave to him before leaving town.

    Nick’s father was an excellent trainer hailing from the Hoenn Region, and he specialized in raising Dark-types. He was such a skilled trainer of his day that he was even a candidate in becoming one of the Elite Four. However, he chose to raise his family first and decided to turn the offer down. They moved back to the hometown of Nick’s Mother, which was Blackthorn City in Johto.

    Nick’s blade severed the vines with little effort, and within a few minutes he managed to get out of the thicket. The trainer and his Houndoom stood on grassy earth, as they view from afar a quaint, although quite scenic lodge. Nick breathed the fresh air, and Scorne followed him as they began to walk towards the lodge.

    Before they could arrive at Mahogany Town, the two had to pass through a lake that has earned a rather, unique reputation in Johto. It was the Lake of Rage- where the now non-existent Team Rocket in the Johto Region had experimented on the Red Gyarados that has caused a lot of havoc for locals and Pokémon alike.

    Nick and Scorne were walking near the banks of the famed lake as he was approached by a familiar figure. Nick looked upon the person sporting a red hat with untidy hair. It was Jake- Nick’s rival, but even more so, a friend.

    “Nick!” Jake said, panting. “I was trying to catch up to you back there in the forest, but you were too fast. It was hard getting across those vines. Had to make Charizard use Slash on them.”

    “Here for a re-match?” Nick said to his Rival as he pats Houndoom on its head.

    “No, not actually. I’m headed to Mahogany Town, and I saw you were headed towards the same direction,” Jake replied, and Nick confirmed that indeed, he was going to Mahogany Town. “I think I’ll challenge Pryce.” The trainer added.

    The motive for Nick’s expedition to Mahogany was however, not because he sought a gym battle. He planned to go to the icy town in search of a Sneasel, a dark-type Pokémon he had always wanted to own. Jake asked Nick if they could go together, and Nick accepted his Rival’s offer.

    The two along with Scorne then trekked down hill, and they began walking nearer and nearer towards the lodge. The two saw a group of young trainers near one part of the lake. They were huddled up, and they were a rowdy bunch.

    Nick called back Scorne to its Pokéball and decided to investigate, and Jake followed. Nick, being quite stern and at the same time curious, demanded the children to tell what they were all up to. Upon closer inspection, Nick realized that the children were ganged up on a Magikarp that got carried offshore.


    “Worthless Pokémon!”

    “Weakling!”

    “Pathetic!”

    The children shouted the insults at the helpless fish, and to this Nick heavily frowned. Nick halted the children, and brushed them aside as he picked up the Magikarp. He got the fish and carried it; its vibrant red scales touched his skin. Nick asked the children why they wouldn’t help the Magikarp and instead just stand there and insult it. To this, they responded, that they heard of other adults claiming those nasty things about the Pokémon, and that made their idealism about the Pokémon change.

    Nick let Jake take a hold of the fish as he then began to search for money in his pocket. Then he showed the bill to the children.

    “Who would like twenty Pokédollars?” Nick asked.

    Jake was confused as to why Nick would want to give away money at a time like this. Nevertheless, Nick appears to know what he’s doing, so he played along.

    Many hands went up, but the Trainer said: “Before I give it to you, I have to do something to it first.” Nick then creased the bill and crumpled it into a ball. “Who still wants this bill?” He said.


    The hands stayed up like before.

    “And what if I do this to it?”

    Nick dropped the bill on the ground, shouted at it, stomped on it, and yet again he showed them the bill, now filthy and puckered. He restated the question, and the hands remained up.

    “Never fail to remember this scene,” Nick began to speak. “It doesn’t matter what I do to this money. It is still a twenty Pokédollar bill. So often in our lives, we are crumpled, trampled, ill-treated, insulted, and yet, no matter what happens, we are still worth the same.”

    To this, both Jake and the children were struck in a sense of profoundness. Nick took back the Magikarp from his Friend’s hands, and he inspected it. He found that the Pokémon’s fin was injured, and he took that as the cause of being set ashore. Nick took the obligation of seeing that the Pokémon recovered, and he decided to capture it.

    The lakeside air began to blow, as Nick drew out a red and white sphere from the latches of his belt. He gently poked the fish with the Pokéball, and the red light sucked the Pokémon in. In his hands, the sphere started to rock, from left to right and back again...
    Last edited by Morru Magnum; 29th December 2010 at 01:41 AM.

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  2. #2
    Dance in the ashes Dragoness's Avatar
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    Cool Re: Scales of Worth (Ready to be Graded)

    'cause you asked me very nicely and 'cause its for an adorable little Maggiekarp...I HEREBY CLAIM THIS PUPPY
    Faith
    ...
    Siggie by Dragoness, aka me | Married 2 Noble One

  3. #3
    Dance in the ashes Dragoness's Avatar
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    Default Re: Scales of Worth (Ready to be Graded)

    Brought to you from:
    SOMEWHERE IN THE UNITED STATES...


    Introduction:

    Started off slow, which is fine. It introduced me to the main character and a little of the plot, so it served as a good purpose. It didn't quite hook me, though I was intrigued enough to keep reading so I could learn a bit more about Nick.

    I'd also like to nitpick something:

    Quote Originally Posted by From Scales of Wrath
    Along the way he has met various people and Pokémon alike, he even has a rival now.
    That bolded part of the sentence should be probably not be set off my a comma. A comma is only a slight break in a sentence and you need more of a break if you are going to structure the words like that. "He even..." 'Even'. See, that word tells me that whatever is following that word is special, like "I even managed to get tickets to the Sabers!" or "I even got an A+ on that report." So using a line break (which I can't do properly in this word program, so I just use two dashes) or maybe a semicolon is more appropiate. They break up the flow just enough to get your point across. So it'd be like this:

    Quote Originally Posted by From Scales of Wrath; edited by Dragoness
    Along the way he has met various people and Pokémon alike--he even has a rival now.

    OR:

    Along the way he has met various people and Pokémon alike; he even has a rival now.

    OR, maybe even another sentence:

    Along the way he has met various people and Pokémon alike. He even has a rival now.
    -

    Grammer 'n Structure:

    And now I'm bringing up something important: throughout the story, there seemed to be what was--to me--a confusing change in present and past tense. For example:

    Quote Originally Posted by From Scales of Wrath
    ...the two had to pass through a lake that has earned a rather, unique reputation in Johto.
    "Has". Has can be a little tricky, as it is often paired with a word in the past tense, but 'has' actually belongs to the present tense. Tech. you were correct b/c you made a present-perfect, but it's still present tense and most of your story was written in past tense.

    Quote Originally Posted by From Scales of Wrath
    “Here for a re-match?” Nick said to his Rival as he pats Houndoom on its head.
    The above is another quote where you switched tense. "Pats" says the action is going on now while "patted" says it happened in the past.

    In some stories, it works fine if you switch tenses. Usually though two things are involved when someone switches tenses: 1. The author has a pretty clear reason; and 2. There is a notable break between the tenses. I don't know why you switched tenses and I wasn't expecting it at all. It happened a few times throughout the story and was a bit...disconerting. And a little confusing. So in short be careful of tense switches when you are writing.

    FYI: One other thing is that I noticed some of the language you used was treading on the poetic side. Like "upon" and "sable hair" and all. It's cool. I am simply letting you know this because some authors use a certain style of language without realizing what they are doing.

    Quote Originally Posted by From Scales of Wrath
    Nick took back the Magikarp from his Friend’s hands...
    Friend shouldn't be capatilized in this instance as it isn't a proper noun or title.
    --

    Plot:

    It was about right for a short story. It didn't leave anything really dangling or have any gaping plot holes. As you go for higher tier Pokemon, you will have to add a bit to the plot. Whether its something that affects the main plot line or a little side plot, or whatnot.

    As for personal feelings about the plot...it was interesting. Even though it was short, it had a special meaning to part of it, which is that a person is still a person and a Pokemon is still a Pokemon and should be treated with dignity. Cool.
    -

    Use of Description:

    This section answers the question of "Can I imagine what is going on? & What can be improved upon?"

    Overall, I could "see" what was happening in the story. I could imagine the forest and the vines and all fairly well. One thing I'd like to see more of though is thought on the feel of the story. Like when Nick was going through the woods. I could imagine a forest, but not much else. I couldn't imagine if Nick was excited, or happy, or in a hurry, or if the forest was calm
    and peaceful, or spooky or what.

    Also, identify important moments in your story. If the moment is fairly important, then usually you should spend your time talking about it.

    For example, that time when Nick comes up on the children picking on the Magikarp, that is an important moment. It is the confrontation and resolution of your story.

    But instead of showing me what happened, you told me. I enjoy that moment where Nick uses the money as a metaphor--you did well. But I don't know exactly what the children said to Nick before hand or how any of them behaved while he was questioning them. That was a moment where you should have showed the reader what was happening, rather than telling the reader.

    And this:

    Quote Originally Posted by from Scales of Wrath
    To this, both Jake and the children were struck in a sense of profoundness. Nick took back the Magikarp from his Friend’s hands, and he inspected it. He found that the Pokémon’s fin was injured, and he took that as the cause of being set ashore. Nick took the obligation of seeing that the Pokémon recovered, and he decided to capture it.
    'They were struck in a sense of profoundness'. O rly? :P HOW where they struck with a sense of profoundness? Did the kids jaws drop? And why was Jake being profounded? He might admire his friend, but I don't see him as being shocked by this demonstration. But if you do imagine Jake being smacked in the face by enlightenment, then describe it! This is an important part of the plot.

    And one more thing: don't forget the five senses. You don't have to use them all at once to describe every situation, but you usually scatter them throughout the story. Those five senses are: hearing, smell, sight, sound & touch.
    --

    Length: 5973. Great =)
    -

    Outcome: You did pretty well on this story. It was a solid story and better than I'd usually expect for a Magikarp. I have no problem whatsoever in saying Magikarp captured! Congrats!
    -

    Other: How much do you think about your characters personalities? Every character, even minor ones that come and go, should have a little personality to them. That personality is then shown through that character's actions, words, thoughts and observations from their peers.
    Faith
    ...
    Siggie by Dragoness, aka me | Married 2 Noble One

  4. #4
    Avada Kedavra! Morru Magnum's Avatar
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    Default Re: Scales of Worth (Ready to be Graded)

    I've learned a lot from this, and I'll strive to do better. Thanks for the Magikarp!

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