The Saga of Crimson (Ready to be Graded)

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  1. #1
    URPG Combantant The Crimson Rose's Avatar
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    Default The Saga of Crimson (Ready to be Graded)

    This story will be a multiple chapter story and I will detail what Pokemon I am attempting to capture at the beginning of each one.
    The Crimson Rose Garden
    Pokemon UFT: Blastoise, Dewgong
    Pokemon Possibly UFT: Zubat, Gyarados
    Ask me to battle or ref on AIM: Razgrizlead2


  2. #2
    URPG Combantant The Crimson Rose's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Saga of Crimson (Ready to be Graded)

    Attempted Pokemon: Nincada (Simple)


    Chapter 1: A Rude Introduction


    Crimson was trudging along a long, dark dirt path. Unfortunately, it had just rained not even 30 minutes before, and the dirt path had become more of a mud bath. With each passing step, his black pants disappeared under yet another layer of wet and sticky mud. His usually perfectly clean sneakers had vanished in a cocoon of mud within five minutes of his trek. With each step, his eyes were focused dead ahead of him. What was the reason Crimson was trudging in this unforgiving sludge? Even he did not know that answer. He was a transient, alone for much of his life and without any memory of his past self. He wasn’t sad about not knowing his past; in fact he was almost glad he couldn’t remember. The only possessions he owned that gave him the impression that he was suffering from memory loss were: a note written by an unknown person dated three years previous, and the six Pokémon he carried with him around his black leather belt. Other than these almost insignificant pieces to a puzzle with no answer, he was essentially a faceless stranger to everyone who crossed his path.

    Eventually, Crimson stopped in front of a fork in the path. He glanced over to the left and saw nothing but dirt and rocks scattered for miles and miles it appeared. He then glanced over to his right and to his not so surprised eyes; he saw an almost mirror image of the left side. “Since I started walking this morning, this is all I have seen. Is there any form of civilization anywhere?” he thought to himself with a deep, long sigh. He left the little run-down village he had called home the past two weeks in the morning, hoping to find clues towards who he really was. The villagers had discovered his seemingly lifeless body approximately three miles from the village, along with the note and Pokémon he now carries with him. The only difference between how he was two weeks ago and now, was that he was found wearing a purely crimson red suit. “That’s how I got my current name funnily enough,” he thought with a small, inaudible laugh. The suit had been scorched and fairly well shredded, so the villagers hauled him quickly into the town and administered first aid on him and got him into cleaner, more intact clothing. For some strange reason, the black pants and plain blue shirt they had given him did not feel natural even after two weeks. “Although I know most average people wear this type of stuff, I just don’t feel right at all. I almost feel like a louse,” his mind projected while he was busy scratching an area which was particularly uncomfortable; “Still, it is better than walking along without anything so I shouldn’t complain too much.

    While debating which seemingly endless wasteland he should hedge his bets on, Crimson heard an almost silent buzzing sound. Looking around to pinpoint where it was coming from, his weary eyes finally stared at the ground at the edge of the fork. During the time it took for him to locate the buzzing, its volume level had reached the level of filling the entire immediate area with sound. Crimson’s eyes did not break from the spot he had begun staring at, as little splatters of mud were beginning to fly into the air. He slowly reached down for one of his Pokeballs, ready in case an attack was to happen. The mud splatters got bigger and the buzzing sound got louder and more high-pitched, while Crimson’s breathing got deeper as his nerves began to twitch. His hand was covering one of the Pokeballs now, ready to pull it off his belt and unleash the beast inside. Just as his hand wrapped around the capsule, a blur flew out from the ground and sent mud flying in every direction. Crimson was hit in the eyes and he frantically tried to wipe them off so he could see his attacker. After around five seconds of disorienting rubbing, he could finally open his eyes and see that his aggressor was not what he had imagined it being. Silently sitting about 20 feet in front of Crimson, was a bug that was staring at him with wide eyes. It used its claw to wipe some of the mud from its face and in the same high-pitched sound that had been emanating for the past minute or so, it screeched, “Ninacaddda!”

    Crimson immediately pulled the Pokeball that he had been clutching in his hand off his belt and prepared to throw it. “So you’re just a little Nincada huh? Well, I think I can deal with you fairly easily,” Crimson joked with a smile on his face. He threw his Pokeball and shouted, “Go, Starmie!” The ball burst open, and a ten armed figure emerged from the bright, white light that encapsulated it. Even in the setting sun, the red jewel in its center shone brilliantly as it stood ready to face the Pokémon that had attacked its trainer. Due to his memory loss, Crimson was unsure of how he had gotten Starmie but he knew it was a great ally to him.

    Almost immediately however, the Nincada launched the first move by charging at Starmie with silvery, metallic claws. Before either Starmie or Crimson could react to the speed of which the attack was coming, Nincada slammed both of its claws into the Starmie’s jewel; sending it flying backwards and landing hard in front of Crimson’s feet.

    Crimson growled under his breath, “That little thing has a lot more speed than I gave it credit for, especially that Metal Claw.” Starmie hopped back up and shook itself off, the jewel seemingly undamaged in the attack. Nincada was sitting motionless again; waiting it seemed to dare Crimson into trying to attack. “I have to take the bait if it’s the only way I can get this little guy”, he thought precariously as he shouted to Starmie, “Use Ice Beam and freeze that thing solid!”

    If Nincada was quick, Starmie was even quicker as it sprang into the air and shot a thin, crystalline beam from the uppermost point of its body. Just as Starmie could not react to the sheer speed of the Metal Claw, Nincada seemed unresponsive as the beam connected with Nincada’s head and a blue light immersed the little bug soon afterwards. Just a few painstaking seconds later, a thin layer of ice had surrounded the little bug rendering it immobile.

    Crimson wasted no time in taking a spare Pokeball he had on his belt and throwing it quickly at Nincada. As soon as the capsule touched the bug’s body, it opened up and the little Nincada disappeared inside and the ball began to wiggle….

    Total Characters: 6,337
    The Crimson Rose Garden
    Pokemon UFT: Blastoise, Dewgong
    Pokemon Possibly UFT: Zubat, Gyarados
    Ask me to battle or ref on AIM: Razgrizlead2


  3. #3
    He Sees You... Dog of Hellsing's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Saga of Crimson (Ready to be Graded)

    Sorry ths took several days to get up, I’ve been a little busy with work lately and sick on top of that @__@. Anyways, here we go lol.

    Introduction:
    Simple yet effective, the intro does a pretty good job of keeping the reader interested in what’s going on. Anytime someone is trudging down a long dark muddy road, I, at least, would like to know why. It speaks of someone who’s been having a hard time of things, which wouldn’t have seemed to be the case if the character had been walking upright and with purpose. Good job on this.

    ===

    Plot:
    So this guy with some form of acute memory loss is walking down a road one evening, going who knows where and coming from a village where he’d been taken care of. Suddenly, the man is attacked by a random Nincada.

    To be honest, even for a Simple Pokemon, the plot doesn’t feel…solid. It seems more like random occurrences thrown together, really. It might have been better if Crimson had a destination in mind as opposed to his wandering; it would have also been nice to know why Nincada abruptly popped out of the ground. Was it time for Nincada to begin emerging from underground, or did Crimson stumble upon Nincada’s territory without realizing it?

    It may seem like a small thing, but these details can mean the difference between a seemingly random story and one that was planned carefully. Keep that in mind when planning your stories, even for easier Pokmon like a Nincada.

    ===

    Length:
    Good enough for a Simple Mon.

    ===

    Description:
    This was good for a Simple Mon, but even in shorter, less complicated stories, I prefer seeing description for most, if not all, of a person’s senses. You got visual and audio, but what about tactile (was the mud cold and wet on Crimson’s pants? Was it a hot or cool evening?), smell (were there flowers nearby? Was the air full of the scent of freshly-cut grass?), and if given the chance, taste (the mud hit Crimson in the face; if it got in his mouth, was it slimy and full of an earthy flavor, like a mushroom?).

    These details bring a story to life, making it more realistic and easier for your reader to picture exactly what’s going on. Don’t forget to describe characters themselves in more detail as well; we didn’t really got much of a description at all for Nincada or Starmie. Remember; this is a Pokemon forum, but there are people who may not know what a particular species looks like. Never force your reader to have to look up a Pokemon to get an idea of what it looks like. Being the writer, it’s your job to tell the reader everything they need to know.

    Also, keep in mind description doesn’t just mean sensory details. It includes metaphors, similies, and the overall “tone” of the story (horror, comedy, drama, action, and so on). If your story is a horror, in most cases using humorous descriptions or comparisons to depict things won’t work very well.

    ===

    Spelling and Grammar:
    Not too many things here to comment on, which makes me a happy panda :3. It’ll be a short section, so let’s get it out of the way:

    Unfortunately, it had just rained not even 30 minutes before…
    *”30” should be spelled out; generally, you only write numbers in number form when you hit 100, or for things like route names, dates, and things like that. This could, however, be counted among the things that are more of a personal opinion. So long as you pick a way and stick with it, you should be fine. Spelling numbers out tends to not break up the writing so much, though, at least in my opinion.

    The only possessions he owned that gave him the impression that he was suffering from memory loss were: a note written by an unknown person dated three years previous, and the six Pokémon he carried with him around his black leather belt.
    *The colon here should be removed, since this isn’t really a list of things Crimson has in his possession.

    …Nincada slammed both of its claws into the Starmie’s jewel; sending it flying backwards and landing hard in front of Crimson’s feet.
    *The semi-colon should be a comma. Generally, semi-colons are used when you want a harder pause than a comma but a softer one than a period. A semi-colon doesn’t really work here, as a regular break is all that’s needed.

    If Nincada was quick, Starmie was even quicker as it sprang into the air and shot a thin, crystalline beam from the uppermost point of its body.
    *The wording for this is a bit weird, really. Try it like this to make what you’re trying to say more clear:

    Quote Originally Posted by Me
    If Nincada was quick, Starmie was even quicker as it sprang into the air and shot a thin, crystalline beam from the tip of its top arm.
    Other than those and a few missing punctuation marks that don’t really need mentioning, I didn’t see much that needed to be pointed out. Great job here, I always like when this section is short :3.

    ===

    Battle:
    Meh, even for a Simple Pokemon, this wasn’t really a very strong part of the story.

    For one, each Pokemon only used one attack. Now this isn’t something everyone has to follow and therefore is nothing but a guideline, but for my battles I try to have the target Pokemon use a number of moves to match the number of its rank. In this case, Simple is the second rank, so that means two attacks from it (another example would be, say, a Rotom using six moves, since Demanding is the sixth rank). That being said, the battle was too short in my opinion. Nincada could have used one or two other attacks without making the story too much longer, but the battle would have been more interesting.

    Also, try to make use of your surroundings in battle. This can make attacks sees more realistic and just make the battle more engaging overall. In this case, Nincada could have used Mud-Slap or maybe Dig, taking advantage of the muddy area. Starmie could have used Water Gun around Nincada, performing a makeshift Muddy Water attack.

    Keep Abilities in mind as well. They can make a battle more fun to read and write without adding too much length to a story, since they open up more possibilities as a battle plays out. Maybe this Nincada had the special Dream World Ability Run Away; upon seeing the Ice Beam coming after it, it could have attempted to flee.

    Just a few things to keep in mind for your battles. Remember, stories may not require them for a pass, but when you decide to include one, it needs to be given the same consideration of any important aspect of the story, such as the plot.

    ===

    Outcome:
    You’re only going for a Nincada and overall, the story is good enough. In the future remember to include more detail, don't let the plot feel too random, and make the battle a bit more engaging and you’ll be good to go. Nincada Captured.

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