5th May 2010, 09:42 PM #1
Every day was the same; peaceful, wondrous, and calming. A small clearing in a condensed forest made a perfect village for a group of Ralts. They had small huts made of sticks and twigs, and had the ideal workings of a society that none of them could argue with. They listened to their wise and elderly Gardevoir. She was caring, loving, and beautiful. All the Ralts had their own jobs; carrying water, gathering food, or rebuilding, or repairing the huts. The feeling of happiness that fluttered about was psychedelic. Every day was the same; peaceful, wondrous, and calming.
Then, on a grim day, their gracious leader let out one last and final breath. The psychic energy of mourning could be felt throughout the forest. It attracted wondering Pokémon to look and see what it was all about; mostly ghost Pokémon who were very attracted to the death, and the sadness. The Ralts wept for hours as they buried their leaders’ body at the edge of their village. A few days past as the Ralts tried to collect themselves and move on, but it was hard without someone to tell them what to do. If they needed something, they kept to themselves and suffered, if they had a question, they let it die in their brains, if they wanted comfort or someone to listen to, they tried to talk to each other, but it only made things awkward between the Ralts. Food started to become scarce and the streams where they got their water were becoming thinner. They were lost emotionally, faithfully, and spiritually.
When they started to realized their village was beginning to collapse something wonderful happened. One of the Ralts woke up one morning and told everyone that they had a dream where their leader Gardevoir came to them and told them what to do. She told them all to do as they did before and if they ever needed something to just be by themselves and think to her, like praying. The Ralts did and the food became abundant. They prayed more and the streams were flowing with more water, and cleaner at that. The Ralts were overjoyed at this. Some prayed for personal gain, like more food for themselves, a bigger hut, or even to evolve. Some got more food, none got a bigger hut, and a few evolved, but they left the village soon after. Other Ralts got jealous of this and became angry with their leader, but stayed faithful. It was going smoothing, only with a couple bumps until one day a specific Ralts, named Grace, told everyone that their leader Gardevoir came to her in a dream and said that she was suppose to be the new leader. This was the renaissance of extremism in a place that has never seen religion.
I awoke to shouts of exclaiming rebirth. I rubbed my crusted eyes and stretched out of my bed. Yawning, I stumbled out of my hut as my friend Sherry ran by saying,
“Holly, come on. Grace says she has wonderful news about Leader Gardevoir!”
I raised an eyebrow questioning the idea. I walked over to a huddle of Ralts circling Grace. I made my way through the crowd as Ralts shushed one another as Grace spoke.
“Hush now people, hush! I have great news from our wonderful Leader Gardevoir. She came to me in a dream last night saying that she loves each and every one of you, and knows that she cannot give you all want you wanted. She is very busy in the afterlife.” A few Ralts giggled at the comment. “She said that she apologized to me that I didn’t evolve with the others, but she said, instead of evolving me she’ll appoint me to be the new leader of the village!” A few more Ralts ‘oo’d’ and ‘ahh’d’. “She told me she knew how much I cared for all of you, and knew I would best fit the occupation. So from here on out, I am your bran new leader; come to me with your questions, ask me about what’s needed, I will guide you through your life and speak with you when no one else will, or can. But remember, I am not Leader Gardevoir, please, still pray to her like you are now, she still loves you!”
I wasn’t as thrilled as some of the other Ralts. I did not pray like the rest of them, I didn’t believe that Leader Gardevoir could help with food, water, or evolving for that matter. I thought Grace was angry that she didn’t evolve when the rest of them did and decided to not pray anymore. Then suddenly she’s been granted with this… power? I question her integrity and her ability of the whole fiasco. Sherry turned to be in delighted joy and said,
“Can you believe it? Leader Gardevoir lives on in Grace! Oh what a happy day! Now, come on, let’s go get some berries from the forest and then we can go back to your house and eat.”
Sherry grasped my hand and pulled me into the woods. I was still fixated on the thought of Grace become leader. I turned around as we ran off and saw the Ralts around Grace cheering and kissing her feet. I could tell this was going to be a very bad ordeal.
Last edited by Zombie Muse; 9th May 2010 at 07:42 PM.
9th May 2010, 11:18 PM #2
A Few Days Later
I was hungrier than ever. I walked over to my scarce food supply and ate the last of my berries. When Leader Gardevoir was in charge we always had enough food, even when the food started running low everyone was okay, but ever since Grace made it so rations were given and the rest went to her and her ‘leadership helpers’, who were only her friends, other Ralts started to go hungry and starve. She made new laws about everything. I looked over at the list of new laws we were all supposed to hang in our huts where everyone could see wherever they were at. I picked it up and read them.
No sharing food or water
No going out and getting excess food
When you are not eating, sleeping, or praying you must work
Keep talking to others to a minimum
Listen to and do what Grace says for she knows all
Pray every day to Leader Gardevoir and twice a day to Grace
Grace get’s ½ of the food ration, Leader’s Helpers get ¾ food ration, and everyone else gets ¼ food ration.
Obey what Grace says for it is always law
Whenever referring to Grace you must refer to her as ‘Grand Feurerh’ or ‘Master’ Grace.
Always work for the greater good, which is always for Grace
I shook my head in disgust. I did not fall head-over-heels for Grace like the others did so quickly. Everyone smiled and giggled on the outside, but in the inside they were all probably going insane. I took in a deep breath and decided to skip working at picking berries and carrying water and just sleep; I was way too tired to work anyways. So I crumpled up the ‘laws’ and cast them aside as I somberly dragged myself over to the bed. I threw myself on top of it as I progressively fell deeper and deeper into sleep.
I opened my eyes in a cloud filled surrounding. They were white, pink, and a golden yellow that were as light as the emotional atmosphere around the area. I stood solemnly as a bright light in a form of a tall, womanized figure shown in front of me. The light dimmed as I awed at the figure. Leader Gardevoir had faded out from the light. I was astonished at first, but then overwhelmed with the warmest feelings. She stood, as I stood. She was the first to speak,
I responded respectfully.
Then unanimously we hugged. It felt more as if I hugged her and she comforted me back, but it was just as nice to feel her warmth and her soothing touch again. Her scent was the same and I flustered in nostalgia. I could feel the tears one by one flow down my check as they crystallized, fell, and dripped to the ground. He spoke again in her calm voice,
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Those words had never been so true in my entire life. They were nice to hear from someone who really cared, and was even nicer to say. She then took my shoulders and set me straight. She looked into my eyes of admiration with seriousness.
“You need to do something about this, Holly” I knew she was talking about Grace and her new ‘leadership’. “You and only you know what’s really going on. I had never come to anyone before, not in their dreams, nor in granting their wishes. They are blinded by ever wanting satisfaction for a leader just as strong. They are a society crumbling to extremism. I should’ve appointed someone into leadership, but there was no one strong enough to handle it; I now nee you to interfere and stop this madness. I cannot reach anyone else other than you because the others had fallen into this… cult. Please, Holly, try and stop this before it gets too out of hand, or any further at this point. I believe in you, Holly.” Then I heard the most fretful words of all. “Goodbye.”
I had nothing else to say, but to respond in saying, “Goodbye.” Then we hugged one more time as everything started to fade into a white flash of light. I awoke in my bed holding a doll I made of Leader Gardevoir a few years back. I leaned forward and rubbed my tear-stained face. I thought about what Leader Gardevoir said to me. I queried about to myself for a moment until I was interrupted by Sherry bursting through my door yelling,
“Holly, come quick! There’s a meeting outside on Grand Feurerh Grace’s preaching stump!”
I dropped the doll and ran outside with haste. The last person who missed one of Grace’s meetings was exiled from the village and had to live on their own.
Crowds gathered around a big stump, which was formerly Leader Gardevoir’s grave site, and were chattering as Grace’s Leader’s Helpers hushed them. They stood next to Grace’s stump and made sure no one passed them, or they would be punished for attempting treason; Grace had become paranoid about someone else rising to power and overthrowing her. As the crowed quieted she spoke.
“People, people, I was come to conclusion that some of you are plotting against me.” A wave of shock swept the crowd. I rolled my eyes. “I know, I know. That is why I am disbanding the Leader’s Helpers and exiling Gloria of the Leader’s Helpers and Hope from the Leader’s Helpers.” The crowd was stunned as both Gloria and Hope both turned, mouth agape, at Grace. “I have reasons to exile you that are too grueling for the rest of the commoners to comprehend. As for the rest of the Leader’s Helpers you are now a commoner and the rations that were previously given to you are now all for me, please pay up and add to the piles.”
I peered up front at the stump and saw piles of berries juxtaposed in front of Grace. It was pretty much all of the food. I looked around and saw Ralts shacking in starvation, to weak to keep themselves still, others were too weak to clap as the rest of them applauded Grace. These waves of clapping went on for a very long time because no one wanted to be the first one to stop clapping in fear that Grace would exile them. I couldn’t take it anymore. I shook in fear of the outcome, but was too enraged to care. I stood up on a nearby rock and shouted,
“No! How can any of you applaud her for throwing away two of our dearest friends! You’re all seeing past what is really happening, don’t you see ‘Master’ or 'Grand Feurerh' Grace is just using you. She’s power hungry and she’s using her power to strip others of what power they had, that SHE gave them! She’s slowly starving all of you to death and making us her slaves for food and water! Her zealous ways of torturing us into believing that praying to her is praying to Leader Gardevoir is plain insanity! She built her preaching stump over the site where we buried Leader Gardevoir, not as a symbol of them working together, but as a symbol of covering Leader Gardevoir up and making sure she stays covered up so no one can say anything against her! She’s brain washed you all into believing that she is our prophet when she is really our ticket to hell!”
I looked at the crowd as they mumbled. They were stunned and were thinking about everything I just, but were still confused about it all because Grace had promised them everything. Grace looked shocked of all; at first she was awestruck that someone spoke up against her, but then she was irritated and debated back at me.
“How can we trust you? You barley do the work you’re supposed to do! Leader Gardevoir specifically asked me to become leader and I did, if she didn’t think it was the right thing to do, then why did she do it? And if I’m doing a terrible job, then why doesn’t she come to me in another dream and tell me? Remember I am the chosen one, she came to ME in a dream!”
“She never came to you in a dream!” I retorted. The crowd was silent as the wind picked up, scrapping against the tension that was heavy in the air.
“How dare you, how would you even know that she never came to me in a dream; your logic in flawed!”
“Because, Grace, she had just came to ME in a dream. She told me that she had never come to anyone in any dream before and she had never helped out with anything that happened. She told me she’d come to someone else in a dream, but the rest of them are blinded by your totalitarian religion that’s utterly single-minded and extremely hypocritical. She told me that I must stop you, you will destroy all of us, you will run this village to ground zero, and you will not stop until everyone is dead and you are alive and well and can live off of what we labored for you!”
A crack of thunder boomed as lightening struck and Grace fell to her knees. She held her arms open wide as she screamed. I was startled as the crowd screamed. Grace stopped in the middle of her screaming to yell out,
“Oh, Leader Gardevoir is coming to me in a vision!” She started weaving back and forth as Ralts from the crowd jumped onto the stump and spotted her so she wouldn’t fall and hit the ground. Some Ralts in the crowd danced wildly in place as others started ‘wooing’ and speaking in tongues. Grace continued, “She’s telling me there is a traitor amongst us, someone who is trying to tear our fragile society apart for their own selfish needs, unlike I, who does everything for the people of the village! She says she’s going to point her out for me…” She stopped shacking and looked up at me. “You! It’s you she’s pointing at, you are the evil one who is attempting to desecrate and disintegrate and demolish our preciousness that we call home! Please, Leader Gardevoir disambiguate your thoughts to me, what should we do to this external infidel!... Yes…yes! She wants your blood spilled for us! You shall no longer live to threaten our ways! People, sacrifice her to Leader Gardevoir and to me, Grand Feurerh Grace of this fine village!”
I was appalled at this action. The crowd cheered and turned toward me with murderous thoughts. I had to speak I had to say something, this mental instability could be my way out; it’s either that, or Grace has them wrapped around her finger so badly that they won’t even hear what I have to say. It was worth a shot.
“No! Don’t do this!” They got closer and started to grab me. “She’s using you, can’t you see? Leader Gardevoir was all about peace, and love, why would she ever tell anyone to kill?!” The crowd of Ralts pulled me away as Grace continued.
“Yes my children, do as I say, I am the word of Leader Gardevoir, I know what’s best and what’s best is to slay this culprit then pray next to my sacred preaching stump! Pray to me, I am your savior, I am your ruler, I am all-knowing and everlasting, I am your master, grand feurerh, and I am your God!”
“No! She’s brain-washing you! Don’t listen to her!” I struggled as I watched my friends carry me off to be killed. ‘Well,’ I thought, ‘It was worth a shot.’
Ready For Grading
27th May 2010, 02:24 PM #3
Well, that was…. Something. XD
What a creepy and depressing way to end the story. XD It was so dark, so eerie, so disturbing; I liked it. >:D
Anywho, now that the initial shock is over, I suppose there’s a few things I want to say about it. The first is that I noticed this story is composed of heavy dialogue, as in the story is told the majority of the time through speech. And while there is nothing necessarily wrong about that, it makes it very difficult to set a mood. The mood is very important because it sets a tone for your entire story; how the reader interprets and feels about it while reading. I think with a story as grim as this one, you could have really benefited from some more direct story-telling through your own eyes (you, the author), and less through the voices of your characters.
To elaborate, each character has a distinct personality, purpose, and “voice” to the story. For your readers to understand and relate to your characters, their personalities need to be built through your writing. How do you want them to be perceived? This cannot be accomplished through dialogue alone.
Now I realize your writing wasn’t completely consisting of dialogue, it just seemed that the story was told mostly through the words of your characters. And this made it hard for my mind to wrap itself around the scenes and setting.
As for the second thing I wanted to mention, somehow I’ve forgotton what it is now. X_x I’ll come back and edit this if I remember. Hate it when this happens…
Grammar/Spelling: Apart from a handful of typos (tsk tsk!), the only thing that kinda stung my eyes was that you often separated the speech from the speaker into separate paragraphs. Made it a bit confusing to follow sometimes. Each new voice does warrant a new paragraph, but the actual dialogue should remain with that strand’s description.
Also, the colors were a little painful. XD
But other than that, your grammar is great. Nothing else to really say about it, other than it’s PRETTY AWESOME.
Detail/Description: This kinda loops back around to what I mentioned before. There was very little to picture here. It felt as if almost nothing was actually described because of the lot of dialogue. My imagination had to wander on its own to visualize what I thought the scene might look like, not what you wanted me to see. And naturally, I’m thinking sunshine, rainbows, and dandelions prancing around, which is why I found the ending to this story to be so startling. Whereas, if I was envisioning your world, I probably would have seen a setting entirely different.
Think of the emotions and scenery you picture when you tell a story and push them into words.
So those are my thoughts on this subject. The literal descriptions you did give were enough to give me a taste, NOW I WANT THE ENTIRE BANQUET.
LENGTH: A SECTION IN ALL CAPS, THAT’S HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS. YOUR STORY WAS LONG ENOUGH. THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW IN CASE YOU DIDN’T ALREADY KNOW.
Battle: I now consider the “battle” to represent the part of the story that involves the biggest obstacle for the main character to overcome. Which in your case, was stopping Grace. Which in this case, she didn’t. XD But it was handled so unusually, and inventively, I really enjoyed it. I think you did a fabulous job putting a spark into this story, and I applaud you.
Outcome: This story easily warrants the little freak. Ralts sacrificed! I mean... captured! Write more stories, and write them proudly. :3
And reading this back through, I don't want you to get the idea that I didn't enjoy this story, because I very much did. I was just trying to put every relevant critique I could think of into this, and as you can see by its length, there weren't that many.
Last edited by EmBreon; 27th May 2010 at 02:30 PM.
30th May 2010, 06:59 PM #4
I'm glad you enjoyed it! I'm thinking about going on and making a second chapter/section/victim (huh-huh? foreshadowing? NEVER!... [maybe?]) But I will fo sho take your critique into consideration (or in other words: I'LL DO WHAT YOU SAID TO DO!) and thanks I appreciate the grade. :]
Originally Posted by EmBreon