Sable Eyes (WIP)

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  1. #1
    Gabite Evolved! Krookodile's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Sable Eyes (WIP)

    Pokemon: Magikarp
    Recommended:3-5k
    Actual: 3520 (with spaces)

    Note: I give my chapters Japanese names because usually they don't use a pun.

    PROLOGUE - ヤミラミエスケープ!クルーズ船に乗ってコータス?

    The first time I left my cave was yesterday. I couldn't stand not knowing what was out there any longer. I ran out of the cave and into a world of light. The sun reflected off my gem eyes, creating a small beacon of light. My sleek, purple body was not adapted to the sunlight. It burned my skin creating pain like none I had known before. I screamed in agony and ran back into the cave. I smashed the rock leading to the pool where my brethren used to come. The water used to be a pure place, but now it was a stagnant swamp dangerous to drink even for the muddy creatures known as Muk. The only creatures who lived there were the pathetic fish called Magikarp. I waited patiently, then drove my hand into the water. The puny morsel came out stabbed on my hand, red blood trickling down my arm. I took a bite and the guts poured out. I finished eating the flesh and dug in to the organs, making sure to chuck out the liver. The liver is always poisonous, no matter what it comes from.

    Later on, the sun set and the moon broke over the forest. I tested this new darkness, a world much more like my cave. I slashed some trees, and ran out onto the beach. There were humans with strange rods. When a human brought one of the rods up, it had a pathetic Magikarp on it. Instead of eating it, the human took out a strange ball and sucked the Magikarp inside. I gazed, confused, when the humans started turning around. I panicked, and jumped into a bush.

    "Did you hear that?" asked one of the humans.

    "It was probably just a Zigzagoon." answered another. They walked into an expanse of buildings, and I followed them. A lot of juvenile humans wearing costumes were knocking on houses. I didn't know what was going on, so I went up to a house and knocked on the door. A human was there and he gave me something wrapped in a material. I bit the wrapper and spat it out. It was disgusting! The thing inside was brown and prismatic. I took a bite and it was delicious. It was sweet and tasty. So tasty it nearly made me feel OK. Nearly.

    A bit later I had a craving for another. I couldn't remember which door it was so I came up to a child and took one out of his basket. He pointed at me and yelled something. A bunch of other children came. They looked big and strong. Then they started chasing me. I ran faster then the humans, but they knew I would eventually tire out. I raced to a building that many sea vessels were attached to. Just as I was tiring out, I noticed that one of the vessels were leaving. I jumped on board and the children couldn't reach me. I was safe.

    After an hour or so, I got bored and decided to look around the vessel. I investigated a hall with lots of rooms. There was only one window and that was for a room with one human sitting with a Wingull. I ignored that room. I had had quite enough with humans for one day. I decided to open one door and stay inside it. I had to climb up the door with my claws to open it. I turned the knob and jumped in. The door slammed shut. I felt relaxed. I was about to fall asleep when I heard a noise.

    "TOORKOAL!" A tortoise-like Pokemon came out of the wardrobe and started blasting fires everywhere. I easily dodged them, then hit back with Fury Swipes. He took this opportunity to douse me with flames but I used Payback and blasted him into the air. He hit the roof and got knocked out. I locked it in the wardrobe and fell asleep. The pounding in the wardrobe didn't bother me. Compared to sleeping in the cave, this was the quietest night of my life.
    Last edited by Krookodile; 18th February 2011 at 08:05 PM.

  2. #2
    Stumped Turtwig A's Avatar Bulbapedia Junior Administrator
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    Default Re: Sable Eyes (Prologue ready for grading)

    I haven't graded an Easiest story yet, so claiming this.

    (20:56:57) Luxis: All y'all are a bunch of Silly heads.
    RIP Giruja. Why must you have been fake?


    (17:58:01) daytwon: why am i watchin ot turtwig
    (17:58:03) ±Dratini: daytwon was muted by Heather Star for 30 minutes! [Reason: inappropriate] [Channel: Trivia]

    [15:26] Synthesis: he ain't godkilled
    [15:27] Ebail: Zam was Syn
    [15:27] Synthesis: it was an agreed sacrifice to the gods

  3. #3
    Stumped Turtwig A's Avatar Bulbapedia Junior Administrator
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    Default Re: Sable Eyes (Prologue ready for grading)

    Introduction: This story begins with a strong introduction. The main character is about to leave the cave for the first time. Now, I've got nothing against this intro, because it made me want to read the rest of the story. Thing is though, it looks like something that would be a bit after, when the rising action starts to begin, debuting after a back-story of some kind. Still though, good job here.

    Plot: I like the plot of this story. A being that has lived in a cave its whole life is learning elements of the outside world. It shows a twinge of originality, even more so than what would be needed for a Magikarp story. You're doing well here as well.

    My only problem is how fast paced it is. Try slowing it down a little, maybe give a little back-story to the main character.

    Grammar/Spelling: You did well in this category for the most part, so I'm not calling you out much here. Another good job here as well.

    Reality: I feel you had one problem in this category. Such as how does the main character know what houses are if they've been living in a cave their whole life? It doesn't really seem like something you would just know. Maybe you could say something like 'shelter', a word people usually would associate with an animal (or Pokémon in this case) saying. It would fit with the whole context, thus making this story a little better. That's all I have to say here.

    Description: Your description is fantastic to say the least. You, despite not revealing what species the main character is, makes it easy for us to infer them (they're a NOT SAYING right?). Not much is given about them, but that's most likely because this is just the prologue. I'd say you did a good enough job here.

    Dialogue: You did good here for the most part, but I just want to note one error. Right here to be exact:
    "It was probably just a Zigzagoon."
    Here, you put a period instead of comma, since they did answer. Nothing major though, so besides this, you're good for the most part.

    Personal Feelings: I feel that the large amount of simple sentences here made the story a bit harder to read. Maybe try to combine them into a couple of complex sentences with still a couple of simple sentences left? Either way, I really liked this prologue. I also liked how you use Japanese names for them. My favorite part though was how you didn't mention what species the main character is of yet.

    Outcome: Magikarp is definitely Captured. You did really well with this story, with few errors besides some in dialogue and reality, so congrats with getting the little fish that is NOT pathetic!
    Last edited by Turtwig A; 18th February 2011 at 09:54 PM. Reason: censoring something.

    (20:56:57) Luxis: All y'all are a bunch of Silly heads.
    RIP Giruja. Why must you have been fake?


    (17:58:01) daytwon: why am i watchin ot turtwig
    (17:58:03) ±Dratini: daytwon was muted by Heather Star for 30 minutes! [Reason: inappropriate] [Channel: Trivia]

    [15:26] Synthesis: he ain't godkilled
    [15:27] Ebail: Zam was Syn
    [15:27] Synthesis: it was an agreed sacrifice to the gods

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