Rough New Beginning

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  1. #1
    Stay Classy The Jr. Trainer's Avatar
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    Default Rough New Beginning

    WARNING: poop.

    Sitting on a rock in front of a sparkling pond, I wondered how I would get back on my feet. How would I be able to do anything without a place to stay? I had moved here all the way from Johto only to be kicked out from my job weeks later.

    Worst of all, my Pokémon had also been taken from me. Without a place to stay, without friends, and without my closest companions – I had no where to go, nothing to do.

    I fell asleep sitting on the grass, after the rock became uncomfortable.

    When I woke up it was still dark out, the moon shining in the air as well as being the only source of light. Rubbing off the grass embedded in my shaggy brown hair, I took the path back into the city, or so I thought.

    Going the wrong way, I ventured into a forest. It was not marked at all and the path was just dirt. The trees were so tall they took away the small amount of light that I had before. I began to hear noises from all over; left, right, up, even thinking the ground was shaking beneath me – and maybe it was.

    I sped up my leisure walk, and then being freaked out even more, I went into a full-on sprint, my long hair blowing in the wind.

    As I ran, for who knows how long, I finally saw a light – the light at the end of the tunnel, even – I went into the light, and came out back onto a gravel path, as I had been on near the pond.

    There was a man standing at the exit of the forest, as I collapsed on the ground out of breathe he walked over to me and mumbled something, probably asking if I were all right. I shook my head, signaling that I was okay.

    “Come with me, I will take you to the Poke Center,” he said in his raspy old-man voice.

    With my collared jacket and dark blue jeans now covered in dirt, I patted them off. Then, I took the little energy that I had and stood up and followed him into a city, I think I saw a sign that said… Nacream City, maybe?

    As we walked into town the first thing I saw was a giant steel structure, a building that had not been finished yet. It looked like Castelia and Skyarrow Bridge, before they were finished. I guess this city had been established after Castelia.

    I must have stopped moving and not realized it, as the gray-haired man said something about a museum and gym – but I was exhausted so nodded my head and kept moving on.

    Not long after that, maybe a few rights down the town’s brownstone path, we arrived at the Poke Center, with lights flashing out the windows like a big flashlight. “Nurse?” the old man asked as he entered the counter.

    Noise came from the door, then it opened, a cute pink-haired women walked out. “Yes? How may I help you?” she said, as she quickly put her hair up into one of those things with the stick-like object through it to hold it together, you know the style.

    “This boy here needs a place to stay I believe, he came out of Pinwheel looking freaked out.”

    “All right. Thanks, I’ll take him from here,” she said with a smile, in her overly enthusiastic voice.

    The old man limped out of the building, the walk taking quite a toll on him.

    Flipping over the counter, she made an entrance for me, and then went back behind the door she had appeared from. I followed her through.

    Behind the door there was, what looked like a storage room, a giant room with a many beds scattered all around it. Only one was taken, but a Chansey – the Nurse’s Pokémon I assumed. She told me to pick one of the many beds in the room and get a good night's rest as she slipped back into her bed next to the Chansey.
    _

    I woke to darkness again. Well not complete darkness. I did see and feel a giant blob near me. Which poked me every time that I moved.

    Eventually I got sick of it and got up. There was Chansey, staring at me like I was an idiot. Maybe she was just looking out for her home, who knows.

    I threw on a pair of baggy jeans and a shirt that might have been too tight for my physique from my bag and walked out the door to see the Nurse healing a trainer’s Pokémon. I was surprised to see that the trainer was such a little person. It was not until I looked over the counter that I realized it was a little girl. All I could see from the door was the top of her huge dark hair.

    When the Nurse finished I heard a gasp then a laugh as she handed back the three Poke balls to the little girl.

    “You scared me…”

    “Alexander.”

    “I see. You scared me, Alexander. My name is…”

    “Joy!” As that was the name of all Nurse’s, or the ones I had met.

    She laughed. Her laugh was ridiculously cute; it would make anyone want to just give her a big hug – which I almost did. “Yes. So I guess you’ve been to a place like this before, or many of them, to know of us Joy.”

    “Yeah, been all around Johto and to Castelia here,” I told her of my travels.

    “What brings you to Unova, especially Castelia? That place is full of gangs and whatnot, isn’t it?”

    “Not that I’m aware of, but I’m new to this region – you’d know better than I would. I was offered a job there after beating the gyms in Johto. I thought it would be a nice to place to relax and maybe be done with training. But how I was wrong.”

    “Probably about a year ago many of the people that lived there were pushed out, which is why this town is being created,” she explained to me. “The gangs and groups that run that place will manipulate and steal from anyone they can.”

    “That may explain why they took my Pokémon when they kicked me out of the city.”

    “So that’s where your Pokémon went. I was wondering why you did not have any Poke balls in your bag.” She said, then blushed, “Sorry, I get curious.”

    I hate when people went through my stuff, but I found this to be understandable for some reason, keeping my temper down. My round face must've scrunched up in anger because she blushed, then said sorry again.

    Then an awkward silence ensued, as we both lean against the counter, Chansey staring at both of us oddly. I got the feeling it was not the smartest Pokémon in the world.

    The old man came rushing into the Pokémon Center, “Son, follow me! Quick!”

    He ran the fastest I have ever seen an old man run, I thought his hair might fall off… or what he had left of it. I followed behind him; Joy and Chansey followed me out.

    Though this seemed like a dire situation, the air of the city had a nice feel to it. It wasn't stuffy like others I had been to but rather the air was fresh and relaxing.

    I followed the old-timer’s footsteps through the town. This town was unlike others though, there were no skyscrapers or tall buildings. All the buildings were made from wood it seemed.

    Joy and I ended up at the entrance of the creepy forest where my adventure into this town had begun. I saw the man and the little girl who had just got her Pokémon healed standing near where the path collided into the darkness of the forest.

    “A few shady lookin’ guys walked in here,” the little girl said with her squeaky voice as she played with her ponytails nervously.

    “That’s why I got you – you looked familiar to me, a champion of a trainer from Johto,” the raspy voiced man told me.

    I shook my head, “Yeah, I dabbled in battling.”

    “Don’t be so modest, young man!” He replied.

    That left I with some weird half grin smile… thing. I’m sure I looked stupid.

    Nurse Joy joined us right at that moment, “Okay, let’s go in,” I heard from, what I thought was a frightened little girl. Shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.

    Nurse Joy immediately turned around with a face full of fear, which made me crack up again. I instantly felt bad for laughing. But she was gone into the city before I could apologize.

    When we entered the forest there were shrieks coming from all around. It sounded like someone or something was getting slaughtered – a million times over. It was a deafening noise.

    We walked down the dimly lit path, or tried to. It was far too dark to even see the path and all the branches that hung from the trees, surprising as I had made it out in the middle of the dead night.

    The further we went in, the brighter it seemed to get. Following the light, we finally found the source: a house, made out of wood though. Probably from the trees that had been cut down around it.

    Either the man that walked out of the house had supersonic hearing, or we were louder than we thought approaching the building. “What the hell are you kids doing here?” His voice a mixture of grunts and mumbles, hardly audible in the noise ridden forest.

    “… what are you doing in the forest?” I questioned. He looked incredibly familiar with his red goatee and bald head.

    “You sound familiar, boyo.”

    Why does everyone have to call me boyo, I thought. My name is Alexander, dammit.

    “Ah, I know… you’re the kid boss kicked out, a few days ago,” he said arrogantly, his voice finally sounding like he’s speaking to someone.

    “Knew you sounded familiar… Shane,” I said with a laugh. This guy was the mockery of Castelia. He could barely tie his shoes, let alone battle his Pokémon correctly. “Got educated and upgraded, I see.”

    He cowered back now, as if I had released some secret to the world about him. “I don’t need to be smarter, not if I can make the Pokémon smarter,” he snarled.

    “What’s this plump guy talking about?” asked Mr. Old Pants, the little girl nodded her head as if asking the question with him.

    “I think the Gym Leader was thinking of making some kind of device to control Pokémon with the click of a button…”

    Both of them took a stumble back in disbelief with their jaws dropped.

    “Yes! But now that you all know I’m going to need to rid of you,” He laughed mechanically. He gripped a Poke ball from his belt, pressed its button and threw it out into the middle of us. Then he did something, with what looked like a wrist watch, and a string with an aura like light surrounded it popped out and attached to the Pokémon that came out of the Poke ball, a small white furry looking bug.

    I had no Pokémon to defend myself with, but the small girl handed me one of her Poke balls, “Use it.”

    “Thanks…”

    “Lenora’s the name.”

    I nodded, and tossed out the Poke ball, out emerged a small purple rat Pokémon. I knew this one, Rattata, but not the furry bug over there.

    With that our battle began on the once tree filled ground. Our battlefield was covered in the remains of tree trunks.

    “Okay, little guy. Start with a Super Fang!”

    With that he ran full speed towards the opposing Pokémon, showing his not-so-fierce fangs the entire way, but nonetheless made contact. However it looked like it hurt him more than it hurt the larva. His entire snout turned a bright red color from the hit.

    “Idiot!” He shouted sounding cocky, “I’ve got Flame Body. Now your little rat is burned and hurting every second! Larvesta attack!”

    With that Larvesta seemed to decide which attack to use by itself, but the device on Shane’s arm beeped, then the light flashed, and Larvesta began to attack. A heavy flame burst from its tiny mouth, rushing towards my burned Pokémon. The flames flew everywhere, uncontained. Some found themselves flying through the branches of above trees.

    Then I got a great idea: If this device is letting him be better, then I’ll just break it.

    “Rattata, c’mon buddy, use Quick Attack on his wrist!”

    Rattata paused for a moment, looking deep into my crystal eyes and for that second felt he could trust me.

    He gathered the little energy he had after being burned and dodged the balls of fire that were aimed his way. He skidded left and right across the ground, hurdling the fire and tree trunks – all to get to his wrist. And he did it. Then he bit the machine with his fangs.

    It exploded, Shane flew onto the ground. The string disappeared from Larvesta, and it scattered away quickly into the deep brush.

    Shane got up and ran into the house, locking the door. With no windows, it was impossible for us to get in – the wood seemed to either be reinforced with steel or just ridiculously strong.

    After what seemed like hours of sitting and chatting with my two new companions, the door opened. Shane sneaked out, thinking no one was there. However, there were us three waiting… then an unlikely hero came out of no where.

    From above us a burnt net fell. Then a white blob came slightly after, using its small leaf like wings to float down safely from the tree. It smacked Shane right in the groin, he fell down right away grabbing his… you know what.

    “Cot! Cottonee!” It yelped happily.

    Jordan, the old man, picked up the net and dropped it over Shane. Then Lenora proceeded to sit on him, which ended with a whimpering man under her.

    “All those cries we’re hearing, it’s Pokémon up in a nets.” I figured.

    They nodded, agreeing with me.

    “And good job, you little fluff ball!” Congratulating, what I found out moments later to be a Cottonee.

    We began walking out, going to alert people to help of save the Pokémon when Cottonee slapped at my ankle with his leaf-arms. “What, do you want to come with?”

    It nodded.

    “All right, but you know what that means, buddy?”

    Again, Cottonee nodded.

    “Could I borrow another Pokémon?” The old man gave me his this time. I tossed the ball out, and out came a little magnet. “A good ole’ Magnemite! Let’s battle, Cottonee!”

    “Okay Magnemite, use Thunder Wave!”

    Wiggling its magnet a wave of electric burst out, shooting across the forest blowing over anything that it hit, and shaking the wooden house. However, Cottonee had put up a barrier that deflected the attack, luckily not strong enough to come back and hit me.

    Little did I realize that he sent back balls of cotton with it though, which did get back to us. They stuck all over Magnemite, confusing and slowing him down.

    “Try a Metal Sound now!”

    Once again Magnemite wiggled his little magnets, another wave of energy blasting out. It created a gust like feel, my hair blew in the wind. After the gust came a screeching noise, it hit Cottonee who tumbled back against a tree. Cottonee was obviously hurting from the barrage of sound.

    It began to cry, so I grabbed an empty Poke ball from my bag, thinking it was already done, but was I wrong.

    It sent a whirl of leaves racing towards us, razor sharp – as if they’d cut right through Magnemite’s metal armor. Luckily Magnemite surrounded itself with a charge of electricity, stopping all of the leaves in their track.

    The battle was a dead stalemate – this Pokémon was giving me a run for my money.

    “Let’s try one last move. Zap Cannon!”

    Magnemite scrunched itself into a ball, rubbing together its magnets. It got surrounded in a force field of pure electricity. Then it released all of this energy and directed it towards the still fatigued cotton ball.

    The cannon of electricity made a direct hit, square on. Sparks flew from Cottonee and the ground.

    “Now’s my chance!”

    I still had the Poke ball in my hand. I tossed it at the hurt Pokémon, a red light emerged - absorbing Cottonee.

    It began to shake…


    ------------
    Cottonee
    Medium; 10-20k
    ~14,000 characters
    Last edited by The Jr. Trainer; 9th May 2011 at 06:08 PM.

  2. #2
    the vibration pokemon Nitro's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rough New Beginning

    Plot: Interesting plot, but not particularly exciting. If you plan on continuing this, then the lack of excitement would be more acceptable as you are trying to build the foundation for the rest of your story.

    If, however, this is a standalone story, then I feel the storyline was too boring. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, but it wasn't a very engaging plot. I feel you could've tried to make it a bit more exciting because this plot was bland to me.

    One thing (not a good thing) was that the events of the story seemed almost random. Like, this guy mistakenly walks into a forest, gets lost, gets taken to a Pokemon Center, and by absolute chance times his appearance in the healing room to hear that there's something going on outside. Also, the ending where the Pokemon meets the trainer seems completely out of the blue. It's way too random, and random stories typically don't make for great reads unless you can sell them well.

    However, I did enjoy the end of the story. You introduced a nice little conflict that tied into a backstory you brought up earlier, and that's always a good thing to do. It gets the reader thinking "Oh, hey, I remember that from before.", and when you get the reader thinking, then you get them more connected into the story.

    I also think this concept of "controlling Pokemon" is intriguing, and I would like to see it built on. That sounds like something that would make for an engaging plot.

    However, this particular story, be it a chapter or a full story, simply wasn't engaging enough for me.

    Length: Clearly, you're in the clear.

    Grammar: I found a couple typos, quite a couple of comma mistakes, and some other mistakes.

    Sitting on the rock, in front of a sparkling pond, I wondered how I would get back on my feet.
    That first comma is unnecessary because though you are correct in thinking that a comma is needed to indicate a brief pause, there is no brief pause there and you can just continue saying "Sitting on the rock in front of a sparkling pond,". Also, saying "a rock" as opposed to "the rock" makes more sense here as well.

    “Don’t be so modest, young man!” He replied.
    You made this mistake a few times where you had the word in front of the quote incorrectly capitalized. More often than not, you had it right, however. I'm not sure why this mistake occurred so many times, but I'll assume it was carelessness.

    Nurse Joy joined us right at that moment, “Okay let’s go in,” I heard from, what I thought was a frightened little girl.
    You're missing a comma after "Okay", but that one's less important when compared to some of the other comma mistakes you made. I think you want that first comma after "moment" turned into a period because that's not a time where you use the comma to introduce a quote. You also don't need a comma in between "from" and "what", you can just continue the thought.

    It exploded, Shane flew onto the ground.
    To connect the two thoughts, you probably want to insert an "and" after the comma.

    However it looked like it hurt him more than it hurt the larva.

    Larvesta attack!

    Congratulating, what I found out moments later to be a Cottonee.
    A couple of comma related mistakes here. If you're going to start a sentence with "However", you want to put a comma after that "However". You need one in between "Larvesta" and "attack" because you want to show that Larvesta is being commanded to attack as opposed to the man yelling "Larvesta attack!" which would make no sense. You do not need the comma after "Congratulating" because that comma interrupts something that could stand up as a single thought by itself without the comma.

    Also, a few other typos I spotted: 'breathe' instead of 'breath', 'Nacream City' instead of 'Nacrene City', 'nets' instead of 'net' and 'of' instead of 'to'.

    Overall, this was a little too messy in my opinion. I'm not happy with the amount of mistakes I saw here. Make sure to do a quick proofread next time to reduce the amount of mistakes. Perhaps reviewing the comma rules at the bottom of this post may help as well.

    Description: Subpar. You didn't describe a couple of key things to the extent I wanted them described to. For example, the main character. No clue what his name is, and hardly a clue what he looks like (I got shaggy brown hair and round face, as well as some clothing items). As he is the main character, you absolutely need to describe him. We need to know what he looks like.

    Places were also a bit of an issue. Though you did describe settings a bit, I didn't really understand exactly what the scene looked like. Your descriptions weren't complete, and I couldn't picture the entire scene in my mind. You want the reader to be able to picture the scenario in their mind because it helps them understand the story better.

    For the most part, a lot of your descriptions didn't stand out. When you described things (and you did, I'll give you that), your descriptions didn't stick in my mind. The way you described things made your descriptions seem almost irrelevant. For example:

    Then a white blob came slightly after, floating down, as if a feather. It smacked Shane right in the groin, he fell down right away grabbing his… you know what.
    You also mentioned the Cottonee having leaf-arms later on, so I'm not reprimanding you for that. However, you tried to describe Cottonee in one sentence while also having it do something. This description seemed rushed, and it was just a bit hard to notice as a description. As I said earlier, this is an example of a description that didn't stick in my mind.

    I might be overreacting a little bit here, however. Though it was hard to notice, you did describe things, and most of the time, I did have a decent idea of what you were trying to get across. This was actually not as bad as I may have made it seem. However, this wasn't particularly great, either.

    Battle/Climax: I actually enjoyed this a lot. I don't exactly know why, since the battle happened by chance after Cottonee literally appeared out of nowhere and then the battle itself was nothing special, but I liked it a lot.

    Though I enjoyed it, there were some clear problems with the battle. First of all, Cottonee was only struck by a Zap Cannon. Even though Cottonee's not a particularly strong Pokemon and Zap Cannon's a pretty strong attack, it's simply too short if you're going to end if after the Pokemon only gets hit once.

    One of the things I did like about this battle, however, was how you used non-damaging attacks to your advantage. With Thunder Wave, Cotton Spore and Metal Sound, this battle was not as ordinary as some other writers may have made it. You also did a lot of counterattacking, which is something I like a lot in Pokemon battles. Since it can't happen in games, counterattacks are a lot more exciting than say, having an attack miss. It encourages the anime-style of battling, which you always want your stories to encourage in my opinion.

    Also, the one line where you said that the battle was a dead stalemate, I loved that. It added a bit of drama to the battle, and it was just great. Quick, dramatic one-liners in the midst of a battle can always help add flavor to the battle. It's something you should do often, but not to the point where you overuse it.

    Overall, this battle was far from perfect. Despite that, I really liked it. So while you may want to improve it in some areas for next time, you also want to keep your style similar. As I read it, I just found the battle really enjoyable, though a bit short. Lengthen your battle a bit, but keep it exciting. A good (but not great) job done here.

    Outcome: As I look back at this Grade, I realize I may have been a bit strong with my points. This story wasn't as bad as you may think I think. It was enjoyable, and though parts of it were weak, it was a good read.

    However, I'm going to say Cottonee Not Captured! Some of your story-writing fundamentals were weak (i.e. grammar, description, etc.), and I know you can do better. Patch it up a bit (I'm not expecting a superhuman effort because it is not necessary), and you'll get your Cottonee.

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  3. #3
    Stay Classy The Jr. Trainer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rough New Beginning

    I added in some descriptions 'n other stuff for you, bud. Hope it is enough. I wasn't 100% sure what you really wanted me to add in other than what the town was like and how the main character looked, so I threw in some other things as well.

    I'd also like to clarify a few things you said I did wrong in the grade. First off "Nacream City" was a joke of some kind, as he was tired and just had a glance at the sign, not able to fully read it. Secondly, I did state his name, two or three times actually.

    With that, I'd like a re-grade or somethin'.
    Last edited by The Jr. Trainer; 9th May 2011 at 06:16 PM.

  4. #4
    the vibration pokemon Nitro's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rough New Beginning

    Regrade: First things first, I'll address some of the things you mentioned in your post.

    When you're describing things, you just want to make sure everything is described so that the reader can imagine what's going on. For all intents and purposes, you're aiming to create a world inside your reader's head when you write a story. Your descriptions should make that world more realistic and easier to imagine. In other words, you should be describing everything that's relevant.

    Also, yes, I did make a few mistakes. I had no idea about the Nacream thing, and I apologize for that. Same for the names. I recall reading those now, but I guess I was so tired that they didn't stick. I'm sorry about that, Jr.

    Anyways, to the outcome! You added some good descriptions. Though there's still room for improvement, there was encouraging progress made, and for me, it was certainly enough for Cottonee.

    I GOT MONEY IN MY BANK ACCOUNT, FUCK A BANK ACCOUNT - SOULJA BOY

    [18:11] [Ranger Alliance]: (webdragoon1337) nitro, you in here?
    [18:11] Nitro: hello
    [18:12] [Ranger Alliance]: (webdragoon1337) knew there was another cool guy in here

    [URPG Chat]
    3:44:43 (silverxchrome) Nitro is attractive. Source: I'm a girl.

  5. #5
    Stay Classy The Jr. Trainer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rough New Beginning

    Quote Originally Posted by Nitro View Post
    Regrade: First things first, I'll address some of the things you mentioned in your post.

    When you're describing things, you just want to make sure everything is described so that the reader can imagine what's going on. For all intents and purposes, you're aiming to create a world inside your reader's head when you write a story. Your descriptions should make that world more realistic and easier to imagine. In other words, you should be describing everything that's relevant.

    Also, yes, I did make a few mistakes. I had no idea about the Nacream thing, and I apologize for that. Same for the names. I recall reading those now, but I guess I was so tired that they didn't stick. I'm sorry about that, Jr.

    Anyways, to the outcome! You added some good descriptions. Though there's still room for improvement, there was encouraging progress made, and for me, it was certainly enough for Cottonee.
    It's fine. I won't hold any grudges for missing small details.

    Thanks for the grading and advice. :D

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