Thread: Rock Fashion

ROCK FASHION






Spires-Beyond-the-Valley was a great expanse of earthen crag situated some kilometers north of Fallarbor Town in Hoenn. It was a remote place, with towers of granite and limestone lining the area like giant fingers, as mud springs form all above the singed earth.

Though nothing more than a wasteland to many, Spires-Beyond-the-Valley was a paradise to the numerous Rock-type Pokémon who have made it their home.

The denizens of the ‘Spires’ were especially busy, too, for tomorrow would be the much awaited Day of Gems. This day-long festivity, as the wise hermit Crustle would say, was “an ancient tradition that dates back to our primitive Kabuto and Omanyte forefathers.”

Everyone would gather wearing their best coats of rock or else adorn themselves with their best crystals as they competed against one another in a grand fashion contest. Some would even paint themselves different colors using Berries, while others polished their hard coats obsessively.

Serving as judge for the contest was Madam Chisel, (who insisted her name be pronounced as though it rhymed with ‘Giselle’) who was a Golem visiting Spires-Beyond-the-Valley from the neighboring mountain range.

Notorious for her wacky get-ups and her unmeetable demands, the Golem lady decided she would replace all her rocks with rubies for this year’s contest, so that she looked like a great, glittering apple. She arrived sitting on a throne of ivory supported by two Rhyhorn—also rubied—so that the pair looked like petrified, bleeding cabbages.

The effect was immediate—Madam Chisel was subject to much “Oohs!” and gasps and whispers and applause as soon as the other Pokémon took notice of her arrival.

“Of course…” the gem-clad Golem said in her hoarse, hiss like voice. “Was there any doubt in my ability to impress those less learned in the intricately woven fabric that is Rock Fashion?”

The question seemingly left the Rock Pokémon stupefied.

“Well,” said Madam Chisel, her reptilian face distorted and threatening. “Was there any doubt?”

One of the rubied Rhydon mouth the word “No” while the other whispered something that sounded like “clap loudly”. A Geodude caught onto this and answered appropriately, and clapped as directed, too, so that the rest of the crowd followed, as a look of satisfaction fell on Madam Chisel’s face.

“Good…” Madam Chisel spoke again, and the Spire Pokémon all fell silent once more, allowing the Golem to begin her next bewildering statement.

“I have come here once again, on request, so that I may crush the dreams of nearly all of you who stand before me…” a dreamlike, cruel enjoyment laced the Golem’s voice, speaking from her throne as though she were some forbidding queen. “And though I find reducing another’s aspirations to dust delightful, I am also forced to fulfill the dream of one of you, hopeless you rustic folk in Rock Fashion maybe…”

At that point Madam Chisel removed the amulet she was apparently wearing—none of the Rock Pokémon noticed she was wearing it before due to it being overshadowed by the Golem’s rubies.

“The Petridallion!” said the Golem lady dramatically. “Coveted by many; acquired only by a select few. If you so happen to desire this sigil of excellence, thinking you are worthy of owning it, then I must advice you to abandon such false notions. There will be one of you who shall win it, yes, but we all know that the rightful winner will always be yours truly…”

There was no denying Madam Chisel’s attitude was venomous, yet the Spire Pokémon did not mind her at all, as though they had been expecting this. Even more curious was that she inspired excitement among the crowd, rather than offending the denizens of Spires-Beyond-the-Valley.

“I already know that none of you will impress me tomorrow,” Madam Chisel continued. “But for the sake of Saint Regirock I hope some of you will at least be decent enough.”

And once again the Spire Pokémon applauded, and all but Madam Chisel and her pair of bejeweled Rhyhorn cheered, “For the Day of Gems!”





Later that evening, the Rock Pokémon of Spires-Beyond-the-Valley busied themselves for tomorrow. As Madam Chisel was escorted to the best cave in the area, the other Rock Pokémon gathered at the foot of Mount Crown, where the contest will be held tomorrow.

There was much talking going around about who will win the Petridallion this year. The rumors seem to point to the Crystal Onix named Pellucidon, who had won the sigil for five years running.

“Of course, I don’t expect to win for sure,” said the thirty-foot long, crystalline serpent. “Madam Chisel knows I’ve got style, though, unlike most of you...”

“Your race has been run, Pellucidon,” growled a massive Rhyperior, who was ‘decorating’ his plates with some charcoal. “I’ll be winning this year.”

“Not if I can help it!” said the harsh voice of an Aggron, flaunting his new coat of golden steel.

The night pressed on with more boasting and polishing of rock, metal and jewels. But none of them wanted to win the contest more than a young Roggenrola, who now turned to look back at the busy Rock Pokémon before setting out for his journey.

The Mantle Pokémon planned on going inside Crystal Cavern in the hope of collecting some rare and beautiful gems to decorate what would otherwise be his bland, blue-colored sphere of a body. The cavern was the only place left within the Spires that harbored magnificent stones and gems, as most of the crystals had been over-harvested by the Rock Pokémon. The only problem about going there was that a mean, hostile Glalie had claimed dominion over it; past attempts only resulted in Pokémon bringing back frostbites with them rather than gems.

But that did not deter the Roggenrola; if anything he was determined to win the contest more than ever. Walking with his two mud-colored feet, the Roggenrola proceeded with his journey.

The ore-like Pokémon walked over the cracked earth of Spires-Beyond-the-Valley, using magnetic waves to guide his way. Not long after, the Roggenrola found himself in front of a large opening on the side of a mountain. Strange, multicolored lights seemed to emanate from the crack.

Relinquishing all fear from his tiny rock body, the Roggenrola entered. The cavern was cold and damp, and the Roggenrola saw that the rainbow lights were coming from a deeper part of the cave. He advanced towards the lights, hoping that the Glalie wasn’t there.

But alas, lying on a bed of assorted gemstones was the round body of the Glalie, its conical horns shining different colors reflected onto it by the crystals it was lying on... Fear paralyzed the Roggenrola down to his core, but then he realized that the Glalie remained unmoving—it was asleep!

At once the Roggenrola made quick work of any gemstone he could find, attaching to himself bits and fragments of sapphires, emeralds and rubies. He looked over the Glalie to check if it was still sleeping, and it was then that he realized that there was a large diamond among the stones which made up its bed… And the Roggenrola knew…the diamond would be the key to his victory…

Carelessly he approached the sleeping Ice Pokémon and tried extricating the diamond from the pile of crystals, but it wouldn’t budge. So the Roggenrola tried pulling the diamond hard with its rock feet—snap!—he had managed to get the diamond but had also awakened the Glalie.

The Glalie’s cold, blue eyes focused on the Roggenrola, and before the Mantle Pokémon could react, the Ice-type let out an Ice Beam—a gush of ice materialized from the Glalie’s mouth, hitting the Roggenrola with great force so that he was knocked aside. The Glalie’s attack had frozen the Roggenrola’s left side, so that he looked like he had a wing made out of ice.

Without warning the Glalie attacked again, this time with Aurora Beam. Rainbow colors hit the Roggenrola, further knocking him away.

“You should not have come here!” exclaimed the Ice Pokémon.

The Mantle Pokémon took this as his chance to get up and send a Rock Slide towards the Glalie. Immediately, rocks and crystals from inside the cavern started falling onto the Ice Pokémon, burying him under piles of debris. The Roggenrola then ran as fast as he could, away from Crystal Cavern and back again into the open. He realized that it was already morning, meaning the Day of Gems would have started. He ran towards the direction of Mount Crown, hoping that he wasn’t too late for the awarding.

Some minutes later he arrived to see Madam Chisel critiquing Pellucidon, the Crystal Onix.

“Well, if there really isn’t another…” the Golem lady said in her hoarse voice. “OH MY!”

The Roggenrola had presented himself to the rubied Golem, who had gasped at his sight. On his left he had a wing made out of Ice, while the other half of his body radiated bright rainbow colors due to being hit with the Glalie’s Aurora Beam.

Pellucidon growled angrily, because he knew his chances at the Petridallion had just been dashed by the Roggenrola. To the relief of the two Rhydon supporting the Golem, Madam Chisel got off from her ivory throne and declared,

“Finally, here we have someone who has some rock-solid fashion sense!”

Target Pokémon: Roggenrola, Simple, 5-10k in Characters.
Character count: ~9,200

*Aggressively claims your story*

Introduction
Your introduction pulls the reader directly into the setting, providing us with good exposition and background details on the Spires, their denizens, and their grand ritual. I especially liked the way you worked the necessary information on the Day of Gems into Madame Chisel's speech. Turning monologues into info-dumps is not a bad move, but it is used very often. Fortunately, you pulled it off without making it feel at all forced, and you spiced it up nicely with Chisel's acidic commentary. Well done!

Plot
Even though I myself am not a fashion-oriented person, I have to say that I did truly like your plot. It was quite original, especially for a Simple story. You had a good cast of characters; I liked Roggenrola's obvious tenacity, even if he was a silent protagonist. Madame Chisel's obnoxious dialogue also made her quite amusing. Roggenrola's underdog victory was overall a happy and upbeat read, which is something I don't ever mind. But the one thing that I was curious about was Glalie's presence. He was just there, guarding his horde. All of the other Spires Pokemon are Rock-types, so the Ice-type stood out. It's not anything crippling, but in a stricter rank you may want to address something like this.

Description
Your description wasn't bad, but it did have some highs and lows. For instance, the Petridallion itself was not given any sort of description. Obviously, it wasn't grand - otherwise it wouldn't have been unnoticeable - but was it made of crystal? Rock? Cheese? A short sentence or two would have been helpful here.

I enjoyed your description of Madame Chisel and her entourage. Your words made it very easy and comical to picture, and I felt bad for the poor bedazzled Rhydon. But I was confused for a moment when I read Madame Chisel's description. Your word choice - that she had 'replaced' all of her rocks with gems - puzzled me. After all, most people assume that a Rock-type's rocks are their skin and bones. You can't replace your skin with rubies - or at least, I wouldn't recommend it. I do suggest that you examine your word choice. Perhaps she could have accented, augmented, or adorned her rocks with precious stones. 'Replacing' sounds a lot more drastic and unrealistic.

Your battle scene was enjoyable, and for a story of this rank it wasn't bad, but when you move into the higher ranks I strongly recommend you flesh battles out with more detail. 'Rainbow colors' hitting Roggenrola is fairly vague - perhaps a flash or a beam of rainbow light. On the topic of Aurora Beam, I was a bit confused as to how Roggenrola could still be glowing all different colors after having been struck by light. I think I understood what you were trying to do - but, again, this seems to be a phrasing issue. If you had added some clarification - whether there was rainbow ice stuck to Roggenrola, or whether there were still wisps of colored light rolling off of him - it would make the flow a good deal easier.

Grammar
Like your description, your grammar wasn't horribly bad, but it could have stood a bit of improvement. For instance, this sentence:

“And though I find reducing another’s aspirations to dust delightful, I am also forced to fulfill the dream of one of you, hopeless you rustic folk in Rock Fashion maybe…”

I understood the point that you were trying to get across. However, the sentence itself confused me endlessly. I suspect that a word or two ended up missing - a common mistake, one that I often make while I'm writing. The best way to right this kind of mistake is proofreading. Most of your other errors - I noticed some pronoun confusion - Before you post your work, don't merely skim it - give it one last, honest, word-for-word read. It won't make your writing instantly perfect, but it's immensely helpful and can prevent confusing gaffes such as the one above.

There is one other, more stylistic, thing that I wanted to point out:

[...]there was a large diamond among the stones which made up its bed… And the Roggenrola knew…the diamond would be the key to his victory…

That is a lot of ellipses. My advice would be to take out the first ellipsis and replace it with a comma (adjusting capitalization, of course) and replace the second ellipsis with a 'that'. Also, you may want to switch up one of the instances of 'diamond'. Repeating verbs and nouns isn't the best idea, as redundancy tends to bore the reader.

Length
MS Word counts 9160 characters. That's almost more than the target range, and none of it felt like filler, so excellent work!

Conclusion
Drumroll please...

Roggenrola is captured!

While you certainly had room for improvement, I did feel that overall you put in a very worthy effort. I enjoyed your amusing cast and general lighthearted style, as well as your refreshingly inventive plot. You hit all of the requirements - just make sure that in the future, you flesh out your action with a bit more description and proofread to weed out some of those grammar flops. Enjoy the living geode!

(Also, many sorries for the long wait!)