The Road To Hell: Chapter 2 (In Progress) Rated PG-17

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    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default The Road To Hell: Chapter 2 (In Progress) Rated PG-17

    RATED R FOR EVERYTHING IT COULD POSSIBLY BE RATED R FOR.

    This is basically me meeting different URPG people on my journey across Hoenn, so yeah, it's everything you've all dreamed of. Just as a warning though, for people who haven't all ready guessed, I drop a metric assload of f-bombs in here, so uhhh, be aware of that. Also. Sex jokes and violence in future chapters. And.....that about wraps it up

    Target Pokemon: Growlithe
    Needed Characters: 10k
    Actual Characters: 11,105

    Alaskapigeon, logging off…

    I sighed as I realized this would probably be the last time I saw those words flash up on my screen for a very long time. I quietly closed my laptop. The house was dead silent. I turned to the alarm clock next to my bed and saw that the time was 2:37 in the morning. Perfect. I looked around my room and felt slightly cheerier when I realized I would soon leave this place far, far behind me. The walls were a sickly green color striped with pink. Books and loose papers were tossed everywhere and I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen my carpet. I tiptoed over the mess and slid open my closet door. I pulled out a scruffy backpack and tipped it upside down, letting years of crumpled up papers fall out, adding to the junk that covered my floor. I began looking around my room for the things I would need.

    I threw some random clothes in the backpack without looking to see what they looked like. I also grabbed a blanket, a lighter, and several Pokeballs. I paused next to my bed, remembering what I had hidden beneath my mattress. After a moment of hesitation, I pushed the mattress back and retrieved the revolver I had placed there. I shoved it deep inside of my backpack. Just in case.

    Finally, after I had grabbed everything I needed, I grabbed a blank piece of paper and a pen from the ground and began to write.

    Hey guys,
    Don’t worry about me. I finally left to go on my adventure. I’m probably not being raped or murdered, seeing as how I have a Pokemon with me. Uh…just don’t worry I guess, see you soon.
    From,
    Alaska

    I knew full well that using my hacker name would piss off my parents, which is exactly why I used it. I smiled grimly and left it on my bed. I would probably regret leaving such a brief letter later on, but at the moment, I was pissed. I grabbed my pack and opened my window. I winced, subconsciously waiting for the beep of the alarm, even though I had rewired it earlier so it wouldn’t go off. I popped out the window screen and slipped out onto my roof. Very carefully, I allowed the lower half of my body to slide off and grabbed the window sill with my hands. My feet found the places where the bricks that made up the outer wall of my house connected. I thanked God that my sneakers still had tread as I slowly climbed down. About five feet above the ground, I allowed myself to drop the rest of the way. I landed in a crouch and smiled. I feel like one badass motherfucker, I thought. Then I ran off into the night.

    At first, I didn’t have a real idea where I was going. All I was aware of was the sound of my own breathing and the darkness around me. Once I was a fair distance from my house, I began to slow down. I was free. Free! Now what to do….I looked around and realized I was in the wrong part of Littleroot Town. I heard the sound of sirens in the distance and noticed the buildings were…well, calling them buildings was charitable. They were more like shacks that had seen better days. The only one that looked even semi habitable was a locally owned shop that looked closed. I felt chills run down my spine….it was almost like….almost as if someone was watching me. Without thinking, I tried the door of the shop and found it unlocked. I quickly ducked inside.

    The store was small but clean, especially compared to the ghetto I had been faced with outside. I looked around and noticed it had a vaguely Japanese feel. The store didn’t seem to have much merchandise, but one display caught my eye, a rack of Pokeballs, each with a ‘mystery Pokemon’ inside. I looked at the price tag in front of the rack. They were twenty dollars each. Fuck. I looked around carefully. Well, if the shop owner was here, he was nowhere in eyesight. I reached forward and wrapped my hand around one of the Pokeballs.

    “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I heard a voice behind me say. Immediately, I stiffened and turned around, trying to look as intimidating as possible.

    “If you can’t tell, I’m stealing your fucking Poke-“ My words were cut off as I found myself face to face with a black dude holding a huge sword. He looked a little bit older than me and a hell of a lot bigger. My eyes widened. “Ugh….” I said brilliantly. “I was just putting this back.”

    He smiled at me, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Too late for that,” he said as he stepped out of the shadows. There was something incredibly odd about a dude wearing boxers and a t-shirt holding a katana, but at that moment, I was more focused on the edge of the sword a few inches from my neck. I dropped the Pokeball and took a step back.

    “Okay, crazy dude, I dropped the Pokeball,” I said in a slow voice, but he continued walking towards me. That’s when I backed into a wall. “Oh for fuck’s sake,” I mumbled to myself. I closed my eyes and felt the ice cold steel at my throat. I clenched my teeth and waited for the end, but…it never came.

    “All right, bitch,” he said, “You’ve got two choices. Either you’re going to lose your head, or…you can do exactly what I tell you to.” And that’s about when my head filled up with porno music.

    “Sure,” I said with a wink. “I’ll do EXACTLY what you ask me to.”

    He looked slightly confused. “That’s…good then.” He pulled his sword back away from my throat. “Now, tell me why you were stealing my Pokemon.” The porn music in my head stopped.

    I hesitated, but he continued to glare at me. “Well….” I told him my entire story, or at least, an abbreviated version. There were some things I just wouldn’t talk about.

    “So basically, your parents are over protective douche bags that wouldn’t let you go on your journey or have a Pokemon, so you ran away and planned to make the gym circuit to prove that you could do whatever you set your mind to?”

    “Basically….”

    “And you didn’t have a Pokemon, or any idea of how to get a Pokemon, even though the main part of your plan required a Pokemon?”

    “Well, when you put it that way….”

    He sighed. “Well…I guess you can keep the Pokemon…under one condition.” The porn music started again.

    “And what would that be?” I said leaning closer to him.

    “I want to come with you.”

    “That can be arr-“ I stopped. “Oh. OH. You mean on my journey. Uh…sure.”

    He gave me a long, hard look. "I have a feeling traveling with you will be interesting."

    "Most likely. Anyway, what's your name?"

    "None of your damn business. But you can call me Maverick."

    I smiled. "My name is...Alaska," I decided. Why not use my screen name? It fit me better than my own…. “Anyway, if you want to come with me, we have to get the fuck out of here tonight.”

    Maverick nodded. “Sure. Just grab your Pokeball and let me lock up the shop.”

    I realized I had completely forgotten about the Pokeball. I bent down and picked it up. I wondered what was inside….

    “Hey!” My thoughts were broken by Maverick. I looked up to see he was holding several large pieces of plywood. “Let’s go,” he said and pushed me out of the shop before following me. Once outside, he began to nail the plywood over his door.

    “Dude, I thought you were just going to lock up!?”

    “I am. We’re going to be gone a while.”

    I just rolled my eyes and nervously tapped my foot. I wanted to leave as soon as possible. Finally, he seemed to be done. Then something caught my eye.

    “Are you bringing that fucking sword!?”

    He smiled. “Why wouldn’t I? It’s not like you don’t have your own weapon.” I subconsciously patted my backpack.

    “How did you….?” I shook my head. “Never mind. Let’s just get the fuck out of here.”

    Luckily, the area we were in was on the outskirts of Littleroot Town and within ten minutes, we were in a deeply forested area. Pine trees rose up into the night sky, looking like shadowy obelisks in the darkness. I had never been outside the city before and had certainly never experienced such total darkness. I could barely see my own feet. Once again I had the feeling someone was watching me. I looked over to where I assumed Maverick was.

    “Hey, bro?”

    “Yeah?” he responded from the other side of me. I jumped around in surprise and faced him.

    “Uh…it’s pretty dark….”

    “Yeah?”

    I couldn’t think of any way to phrase my question without sounding like a wuss, so rather than ask him, I reached into my pocket for the Pokeball. It was no larger than a pebble in its shrunken form and I could feel it almost slip through my fingers as I pulled it out.

    “Here’s hoping you’re something that can make a little bit of light,” I muttered to myself. I squeezed the button in the middle of the Pokeball and felt it grow to the size of an orange. I dropped it to the ground and saw a flash of red light as it popped open. I yelled in alarm as I was momentarily blinded by the bright light. “GAH! IT FUCKING BUUUUUUUURNS!” I yelled.

    Maverick ignored my screams of pain. “Looks like you made a good choice. Take a look.”

    Cautiously, I peered through my fingers and saw a much softer light. I took my hands away from my face and was immediately knocked to the ground. Whatever knocked me over barked in my ear and began to lick my face. I climbed back to my feet and stared at the adorable red and black puppy Pokemon in front of me. It’s fur seemed to be actually glowing slightly. “Sweet! I got a Growlithe. That’s fucking awesome.” I bent over and started petting the little guy. “Hi there, sweetie,” I cooed in baby talk.

    “So what are you going to name it?” I jumped up in surprise. I had kind of forgotten he was there. He smirked at me. “Don’t feel the need to stand up while you’re telling me. I was kind of having fun looking at your ass.”

    I growled deep in my throat, but he just laughed. I decided to ignore him, though he had a valid question. I turned back to my Growlithe (while making sure that my ass wasn’t facing Maverick) and murmured, “What should I call you…?” After a moment’s consideration, I had an idea. “How about Isamu?” The Growlithe barked happily and I smiled.

    “Nice name,” Maverick said. “He does seem like he’ll be brave.”

    I turned back to him. “You speak Japanese?”

    “More or less.” He paused and looked up. “The sun is rising.”

    I looked up. “Nice subject change….” I grumbled, but I was happy to see the sun. Looking around, I noticed we were near a small pond. There were no ponds nearby, which meant that somehow, we must have walked around Oldale Town. I walked over to the pond with Growlithe nipping at my ankles and looked in. I looked….tired. My normally straight brown hair had become unruffled and at some point during the night my ratty band t-shirt had gotten torn. My jeans had all ready had the holes in the knees. “…Goddammit,” I said loudly, but it was more out of happiness than anything. I had finally started my journey, had a kickass Pokemon, and a possibly deranged traveling partner. This could be fun. Growlithe wagged his tail as we looked into the rising sun.

    “Having fun?” Maverick asked. He must have walked up behind me while I wasn’t paying attention, but I was starting to get used to it.

    “Not yet,” I said, “But we’re going to. I think our next stop is Petalburg.” I began to walk in the direction of the rising sun.

    “You’re going the wrong way.”

    I stopped in my tracks and began walking back the other way.







    Hopefully that wasn't too cheesy. If this goes over well, I'll write more chapters. And I meet Siless and Monbrey in the enxt chapter, so IT HAD BETTER GO OVER WELL.
    Last edited by Alaskapigeon; 3rd November 2010 at 07:24 PM.
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  2. #2
    Prince of All Blazikens! Magikchicken's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Road To Hell: Chapter 1 (Done) Rated PG-17

    Warning: This Grade is Also Rated PG-17.
    (WTF do you expect? xD)

    Introduction, Characters, Backstory: You may be wondering why I'd bother commenting on the introduction and characters of this story, given that we all know who the characters are, but I'm going to be grading this as a reader who isn't necessarily tapped in to the URPG's flow of gossip (and shipping.)
    Basically, this chapter lacks a definite introduction, but gives the feeling of being an introduction itself (as might be expected of a short Episode 1.)

    Keeping that in mind, it's clear that the necessary information is more or less present over the course of this little narrative: Maverick is described and introduced; your Growlithe is revealed and named; and at least some of your backstory is summarized (in your character's internal monologue in the beginning, and in Maverick's concise summary of her concise summary.)
    The one thing I would point out is that you only briefly described your character's ('your') physical appearance beyond the clothes. I'll assume that's intentional: the reader knows you have (normally) straight brown hair, but the rest is left up to the imagination.


    Plot Content, Plot Flow: There's not much actual plot content here, but that's expected of a Medium catch: your character sneaks out of the house to go on her (delayed) Pokémon journey, acquires a Pokémon and a traveling companion (albeit in a rather unorthodox way,) and sets off.
    As an introductory episode of a series goes, that's both sufficient and effective. I, and your other readers, look forward to seeing where you go with this! xD

    The only major thing I would point out is that there is very rarely a sense of movement in your story. Phrases like "As I walked, I looked around at..." serve to pad out a narrative, to make it seem like more time is passing, as well as to add in necessary descriptions of scenery. You didn't have many such sentences; for instance, immediately after your character happened to notice Maverick's shop while looking around, she was suddenly 'trying the door of the shop,' without any indication that she hadn't been standing in front of it the whole time. Maybe before the sentence, "Without thinking, I tried the door and found it unlocked," you could add, "I went over to the front of the shop. Without thinking, I tried the door and found it unlocked..."
    Again, later on, the passage of time seemed jerky because of your tendency to not acknowledge it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Alaskapigeon
    Luckily, the area we were in was on the outskirts of Littleroot Town and within ten minutes, we were in a deeply forested area.
    Immediately after that, you get knocked down by an affectionate Growlithe. You name him (Isamu), talk with Maverick a bit, and then get up... and suddenly, it's morning and you're near Oldale town. To me, it seems unlikely that a) four hours or more have passed since the beginning of the story, given how few things have happened and that you've only been walking for ten minutes that I can tell... and that b) you've managed to get all the way from one town to another in ten minutes.
    Basically, I can assume that you walked uneventfully for a few hours, but that's never explicitly mentioned in your story. A quick and easy fix for this is, for example, to change the sentence:
    Quote Originally Posted by Alaskapigeon
    Once again I had the feeling someone was watching me. I looked over to where I assumed Maverick was...
    to:
    Quote Originally Posted by Example
    We walked in an awkward silence for a long time, as I got more and more uncomfortable with the total blackness. I kept having the feeling someone was watching me, and the impression got stronger and stronger. After what had to be at least three hours of this, I decided I couldn't take it any more. Screw this stoic shit. I looked over to where I assumed Maverick was...

    Grammar, Sentence Flow: Tsk, tsk, language. But you did warn us. =P
    The sentences you use are generally simple, but they carry just enough of an edge of opinionation (in the choice of adjectives and adverbs) to make them seem connected to your character's internal monologue, rather than being a neutral narration.

    Grammatical Quibbles: One thing you did... a lot... in the first few paragraphs of your story was 'grab' stuff. It got to the point where I was envisioning your character flailing about with her arms and yanking things into her backpack, which may or may not have been your intent...
    Quote Originally Posted by Alaskapigeon
    Finally, after I had grabbed everything I needed, I grabbed a blank piece of paper and a pen from the ground and began to write.
    This is an example of where, over and above the imagery it gets across, you might want to switch the word for a synonym such as 'seized' or 'swept together,' just to avoid repetition of the verb in two concurrent sentences.

    Also, you might want to distinguish slightly more clearly between the protagonist-voiced narration and concrete thoughts running through your character's head, by using italics or single quotation marks. For instance:
    Quote Originally Posted by Alaskapigeon
    I landed in a crouch and smiled. I feel like one badass motherfucker, I thought. Then I ran off into the night.
    The quote box adds italics to everything, but my point here is that you could put 'I feel like one badass motherfucker,' in single quotes like that, or structure it as: "I landed in a crouch and smiled. I feel like one badass motherfucker, I thought."
    Finally, also regarding that quote... URPG shipping: Alaska x Mother... Plausible?? O_o
    *shot*


    Detail, Description: There could have been more detail to some of your descriptions. Even though it's dark, it's clear you can at least see the houses of Littleroot Town, which you describe as 'shacks that had seen better days.' Could you give some examples of how these shacks are run-down? Peeling wood in the walls, window shutters hanging half off their hinges...? I'd also like to hear more about your forested surroundings when the sun comes up and you can actually see those surroundings.
    The lack of detail wasn't omnipresent, fortunately: the items littering your room are described and listed, and the interior of Maverick's store is detailed enough.


    Dialogue: Aaaand the sex jokes begin. At least they're funny sex jokes, not the kind you only laugh at because you've suddenly got a boner. *rolls eyes*
    I'll give the dialogue a thumbs-up not only because of its lack of stupidity, but also because it goes a long way towards setting up and transmitting the (admittedly somewhat cynical) atmosphere of the story as a whole.


    Battles: Not really. I'd say, if there's a 'climax' to this story (DON'T EVEN START), it's when Maverick's holding a frickin' katana to your character's neck. The dramatic tension is then defused (transformed?) in favor of... sexual tension. Duh. While it's very much what we might expect of you, Alaska, that falling-off of tension kind of leaves the story without a distinct high point action-wise.
    On the other hand, this is an introductory chapter, so it's not as if it needs to be particularly adrenaline-inducing.


    Character Count: 11,160.


    Overall: A very strong introductory chapter overall, it does everything an introduction should do, but not much more than that. The charm of this story comes from the fact that every reader who knows who you are will be wearing a disbelieving grin as they read it.
    Exceeding of expectations or not, it's definitely a story worthy of a Medium catch.


    Result:
    Growlithe: Caught.

    P.S. I'm disappointed the post of 'katana-wielding maniac' is taken. I expect you to at least give me a japanese-themed something: a humongous mecha I control with my psychic powers would be acceptable (even if it promptly breaks down, to laughter and applause from all present.)
    Last edited by Magikchicken; 23rd December 2010 at 09:12 PM.
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  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Road To Hell: Chapter 1 (Done) Rated PG-17

    Heh. Thanks, Magik. ^_^ I'll make you proud when your chapter rolls around.
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  4. #4
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Road To Hell: Chapter 1 (Done) Rated PG-17

    “I don’t know where I’m goin’, but I sure know where I’ve been!”

    “Alaska, if you don’t stop singing, I’m going to kill you.”

    I paused. “Will it involve-“

    “No, it will not involve rape,” Maverick said, cutting me off.

    “Gotcha.”

    Now that I had been travelling with Maverick for a while, I was fairly confident he wouldn’t kill me (at least without warning) and I had jumped at the opportunity to get on his nerves. I still tried to be somewhat courteous to him, but why miss out on a chance to have some fun? We walked in silence for a while and I started taking notice of my surroundings. Route 102 was fairly beautiful. The sunlight trickled down between the tree branches and I could occasionally see Pokemon moving about in the undergrowth. I wanted to catch one, but when I approached them, they always seemed to run away. The sound of crunching leaves on the trail alerted them to my presence before I could get close enough to battle.

    “Hey! Are you a Pokemon trainer?”

    Maverick and I turned around. I saw a bitchy looking girl in a tight white see-through blouse and a mini skirt glaring at me.

    “Yeah, why?” I said loudly, then muttered under my breath, “Slut…”

    “Speak for yourself,” Maverick murmured.

    The girl smirked. “If you lock eyes with another trainer, you have to battle.”

    “We’re both looking at you, which of us do you want to battle?” Maverick said.

    She turned to look at Maverick for a moment. Her eyes widened when they saw his katana. “Um…I’ll battle her,” she squeaked.

    I expected her to be more polite after seeing a fucking sword, but when she turned back to me, she was grinning again. “I’ll defeat you to help further my career!”

    “Your career?” I said incredulously. “I hope you mean being a trainer, because your hooker skills will not improve by beating me in a Pokemon battle.”

    “Nice.” Maverick high-fived me.

    The girl’s eyes seemed to glow demonically. “You bitch!” She shrieked.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
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