Rise of a legend

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  1. #1
    May the force be with you BK201's Avatar
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    Default Rise of a legend

    Rise of a legend



    Far in the mountains of Johto is a town called Wildwood. It is home to some five thousand people, all of which love Pokemon. You will find that everyone with in the town has a Pokemon, rather it be for battling or as pet, and sometimes just as a friend. However, there was one person in the town who did not have Pokemon, or enjoy them as others did, and his name was Apolonius.

    Apolonius was twenty-one years of age, he lived in a log cabin home which was given to him when his grandmother died. Up the road from him on a big farm lived his childhood friend, Archimedes. Apolonius was a big man unlike most of the people of wildwood. Apolonius was six foot three and he could lift up to a hundred pounds easy. He had white hair and blue eyes. Today would be the start of a journey for Apolonius, one which he would not see coming.

    And it all started on one beautiful monday morning. Apolonius had just woken up and gotten out of bed. He put on a pair of brown pants and a white shirt. He walked over to the mirror and looked at himself for a minute, then rubbed his short white hair. He then turned to the door and walked out into his kitchen and stared his breakfast. Then there was a knock at his door.

    “It is open!” called Apolonius and in came Archimedes. Archimedes was also a big man. He was the same height as Apolonius and just as strong. He had black hair and brown eyes. He had on a pair of blue pants and a dark green shirt.

    “Apolonius, my friend, it is good to see you!” Archimedes had a great big smile on his face, for he was very joyful to see his friend.

    “Archimedes, it is good to see you too. How are thing going at the farm?” Apolonius ask with a smirk across his face.

    “Very well, I should think. However, there is one thing. It is why I came.” said Archimedes with a calm voice.

    “What do you need, my friend?” replied Apolonius

    “I’m leaving, and won’t be back until late tonight, and my little cousin is at the farm with my mother and aunt. Problem is, I have some new Pokemon that just hatched as you know, and little Lucy likes to harass the Pokemon. Now the bigger Pokemon will be fine, but I would like to know if you would take care of the others until I get back?”

    “Yeah, sure. I’m going into town so I can take then with me since they will be in the Pokéballs.” said Apolonius

    “Thanks a lot. Here you go. I got to get running now. I’m leaving you the four basics, and Alakazam since he hates Lucy. Also, I have one more Pokéball that has no Pokemon in it. Feel free to use it if you like. And if you run into any wild Pokemon that might want to fight, let some of the Pokemon have a go, none of them have ever been in a fight and it could be good for them.”

    Apolonius turned and sat down at the table before saying anything else.

    “Alright, not a problem. I have seen you battle and it’s not that hard. Anyway, get going, I’ll take care of them.”

    “Thanks again, Apolonius.” Archimedes walked out the house with a big smile on his face, more than happy with Apolonius.

    When Apolonius finished eating, he picked up the black belt that had the Pokéballs on them and put in on. After which Apolonius walked outside and made his way into town. Apolonius loved to walked into town for one reason. The dirt road which he walked cut right through forest and he loved to stop and eat the wild berries, which grew all the way from his house to the edge of the town. The large berry bushes were one of many things Apolonius liked. On his way through the forest, he had always loved to look up and the tall trees which seemed like they could reach the sky, so big so beautiful. All around the forest you could find and see wild flowers of all shapes and sizes. Big, small, twisted. Blue, red, yellow, and, sometimes if you were lucky, black roses.

    It was these things which made Apolonius smile as he walked through the forest. With the sun shining over head, it was a perfect day. As Apolonius was getting to the end of the forest and into town, a Pokemon came out of the brush. The little Pokemon was a brown color with a small barb on its head and tail. It had six little legs. This Pokemon was called Weedle.

    Apolonius looked at it and it looked back. He wanted to leave the Pokemon but knew this was a good chance to let the new Pokemon have a battle. So he unclipped a Pokéball from the side of his belt and threw in into the air. The ball open up and a red crimson light beamed from within. At Apolonius’s feet appeared Growlithe, a Fire type Pokemon. Growlithe was red with black stripes, his bushing tail was white as was his belly and top part of his head. This little puppy Pokemon was perfect for fighting Bug Pokemon.

    “All right! Growlithe, I want you to use Flame Wheel. Go!” Apolonius called out.

    Growlithe dash off for the little bug Pokemon, Growlithe then opened his mouth and fire came forth and engulfed his body in a great flame. Weedle tried to move out the way of the attack, but Growlithe was far to fast. He slammed into the little Bug Pokemon and set him flying into the air. It landed next to a tree.

    “Finish it off with an Ember attack!”

    Growlithe opened up its mouth and little red embers came shooting out. They hit Weedle and threw it back. The little Bug fell over on its side and fainted. Apolonius looked at it for a second. . . then he took out the empty Pokéball and threw it at Weedle. The ball sailed over Growlithe and hit Weedle right on the head. Then it opened up and the red light sucked up the little Bug Pokemon and fell to the ground. It wiggled twice before the little red dot on the ball stop and beeped once.

    The battle was over and a new Pokemon was captured. Apolonius walked over and picked up the Pokéball with a smile on his face. He called back Growlithe, and continued on until he got to the town. Off the dirt road and on to the pavement. The sun was still shining bright. Apolonius could hear a small commotion in the square, so he went to see what was going on. When he arrived he saw a Pokemon battle had just got over. A little boy had a frown on his face. Apolonius guessed he’d lost. But Apolonius turned to the other kid which, he knew who it was. Bob the punk of the town. This kid had a Pokemon and liked to beat up other kids, then laugh at them, and make them feel bad.

    Apolonius looked at the kid and called out, “You suck, Bob!”

    The little boy looked around, confused, trying to find who said that.

    “Who said that? Come on out and face me like a man!” The little boy screamed

    “What’s the matter? You don’t like that? You going to cry, little baby?” Apolonius said as he walked out to Bob.

    “You got some nerve saying I suck! I’m the best damn battler around here!” He continued to yell.

    “If that’s so, why don’t we battle? A master like you should have no problem beating little old me.” Apolonius knew Bob would go for it, but what Bob didn’t know was that one of the Pokemon Apolonius was watching was Onix, a Rock Pokemon, and the only Pokemon Bob had was Electrike, a little green and yellow Electric dog Pokemon. Onix would crush this Pokemon.

    Bob took out his Pokéball and threw it into the air and out came Electrike, then Apolonius called forth Onix. The ball which had the Pokemon in it opened up, and the gray Rock Snake Pokemon appeared in front of him. Onix was more then 18 feet tall. Just the size of this Pokemon was enough to make a trainer back down from a fight. However, this was not the case. Bob was a stupid kid and didn’t know how to back down.

    “All right, Electrike, use Spark attack!”

    Electrike started to glow yellow, then a yellow ball of electricity shot from its body. It hit Onix, but did not do a thing to him since Onix was a Rock and Ground Type Pokemon Electric attacks did nothing.

    “Use Tackle attack!” Onix dived at Electrike and slammed into the little dog Pokemon. Hit hard, Bob tried to get Electrike back in the game.

    “Use Quick Attack, Electrike!” Bob called.

    “Onix, use Rock Throw!” Apolonius countered.

    Electrike dash off at full speed and, right as he was about to hit Onix, the Rock Snake Pokemon jumped into the air. Time itself had slowed down. Apolonius and Bob both watched as Onix rolled into a ball and, like a meteor, she hit the ground, causing a shock wave. It was so powerful, it knocked Apolonius off his feet, as well as Bob. Electrike was sent into the pavement and now was unable to dodge this attack. The incredible force from Onix hitting the ground caused it to buckle and heave, small boulders flew up from the ground and came crashing back down right on top of Electrike.

    Electrike was covered in rocks. Bob ran over to dig him out. And when he did, Electrike had almost fainted. bob took out a potion and sprayed Electrike with it, the little Dog Pokemon got back up weak but still able to fight however I could see that this pokemon was done for.

    “Alright, Electrike, use Iron tail!”

    Iron tail was a steel move, steel which is super effective on rock types like Onix. Electrike dash off at Onix it tail glowing silver it jumped into the air and slammed in tail down onto Onix’s body.

    The attack was not all the strong coming from a Electrike but it still hurt him. Onix backed away from the little Pokemon this being it first time in battle he was off from taking a attack like that.

    Apolonius was about to end all of this.

    “Onix, Sandstorm!”

    Onix’s eyes started to glow green, Onix was using his earth power to make sand from the ground he was standing on. part of the ground started to turn as if it was being mixed a whirlpool of dirt. All the minerals in the ground started mix and fuse together as one, sand was made.

    Before Bob could say anything, a full on sandstorm was raging. The battle field was covered in this.

    Apolonius could hear Bob calling out a attack, “Iron Tail!”

    “No you don’t, Onix, Sand tomb!”

    At that moment Apolonius saw Electrike, the little Pokemon had to be no more than four feet away, if the attack hit Onix would be hurting. But in the blink of an eye Electrike body was covered head to toe in a tomb of sand, Electrike tomb fell to the ground unable to move this was be Apolnius’s last move.

    “Onix, FISSURE!”

    Onix smashed his big tail into the earth, silence filled the air. Then a boom sound, the earth started to quake under Apolonius’s feet the sandstorm had faded just like that, and all watch as the earth was spilt in two. The tomb Electrike was in fell into the Fissure then it shut crushing Electrike the tomb broke and all the Apolonius couls hear was the scream of Electrike. Onix pull the little Pokemon out of the ground and sat in in front of it’s master.

    The battle was over. In tears, Bob ran away with his Pokemon. Apolonius called back Onix, and the small crowd that was there all left. Apolonius took one last look around then started to walk again, this time on his way to the Pokemon center to heal the Pokemon that had been used in battle.

    Not caring about anything else, Apolonius walked through the town. Kids ran by and were playing with their Pokemon. Mothers were all out doing their laundry. Everything had gone right back to normal in a matter of minutes. You would think that nothing just happened, no Pokemon battle or anything. This always made Apolonius a little down. The one thing he hated about this place was everyone was like a robot, always doing that same thing over and over again, never trying to have fun or change the way things were to make it a bit more alive around the town.

    This was the main reason he never went to town, and the only real reason he did at all was because his mother and father lived in town, and he would see them every now and then. With just a short time of walking Apolonius made it to the Pokemon center, he walked through the big white doors and up to the front counters where his mother was.

    “Hello, I need my Pokemon healed, please.” Apolonius said

    His mother turned around, not even realizing it was her own son until she looked at him.

    “Yes, not a pro. . . Apolonius! Oh, my boy, come here!” Artemis called out, smiling happily.

    She walked around the counter and hugged her son. A big smile and tears gliding down her face, she kissed him on his cheek.

    “Mom, I’m just as happy to see you. Now, could you knock that off? You act like you have not seen me in years,” Apolonius said with a sarcastic voice .

    “You never come to see me or you father anymore, so no.”

    “What are you talking about? I come see you twice a week!” Apolonius protested.

    “Yes, well, that’s just not enough. If you came over every day, that would be so much better, don’t you think so?” Artemis said with a big smile.

    “No, mother. Now really, I need to to heal my Pokemon.” Apolonius sighed.

    “Oh, you have Pokemon! My baby got his first Pokemon! I’m so happy!”

    “Mother!”

    Artemis took the Pokéballs and went into the back room. Apolonius went into the waiting room and sat down, waiting to get the Pokemon back. As he sat, he started to think to himself. Why don’t I just leave? He thought. He always wanted to go see Nerine in the big city. If he borrow some of Archimedes’ Pokemon, he could get there in no time, he thought to himself.

    Then again, if he left he would not want to came back for at least for a few years. It was a lot to think about and, truth be told, he had already made up his mind about it. All he was really trying to do was fine a reason to change it, but as he sat there he could not think of one reason why he should stay. He hated this place and wanted to go see the world and if he became a Pokemon Trainer, he could do just that.

    “Apolonius!” A man called.

    Apolonius looked around and saw Haze, his little cousin, running towards him.

    “What is it, Haze?” Asked Apolonius

    “It’s Vick! He is outside looking for you. Bob told him what you did! Now he is really mad and says he is going to beat you! Run Apolonius!” Haze yelled.

    “Haze! Get a hold of yourself, boy! Vick is a little worm. I can take him any day of the week! Stay here, I’ll be back after I take care of him.” Apolonius smirked, very confident. He walked outside and Vick was there. “Vick, I hear you are looking for me!” Called Apolonius with a grin on his face.

    Vick was small, only five foot seven, and was not strong as one would say. Someone like Apolonius could beat him down without any problems, but he was just like his little brother, never knowing when to back down from a fight.

    He walked over to Apolonius, his face red with anger.

    “Why, Vick? What ever is wrong?” said Apolonius very sarcastically.

    “You know damn well why I’m here! My little brother told me what you did to his Pokemon today!” He shouted.

    “Aww, the little baby had to run home. That’s so cute” Apolonius said, making fun of him.

    “You think you’re real funny, picking on little kids don’t you!?!!” He shouted again.

    “Oh, you mean like you and your brother do to other people. But I guess it’s not so cool when someone does it right back. In fact, you got balls coming up to me, shrimp. What is stopping me from pounding you into the ground right now?” Asked Apolonius

    “You don’t have no balls!” yelled Vick

    Apolonius cocked back his right arm and swung at Vick, punching him right in his red face, and knocking him to the ground.

    “So, still think I don’t have the balls?” Asked Apolonius

    Vick got up off the ground. He was a little shaken and surprised that Apolonius hit him.
    “All right, we will settle this the old fashion way! With a Pokemon battle!” He called.

    Apolonius really didn’t want to battle again. but in this case he would have no problem with it since it meant beating the crap out of Vick.

    “All right, I’ll start this off first. Go, Gen. . .”

    To Be continued...

    Last edited by BK201; 25th March 2013 at 05:21 PM.

  2. #2
    i'm wide awake Felly's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rise of a legend

    Claiming since I'm on spring break & what is a social life? :3 Grade should be up by Tuesday at the absolute latest, but I'm shooting for sometime tomorrow night.


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  3. #3
    i'm wide awake Felly's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rise of a legend

    Huzzah! It's done! @Saesee tiin;

    Introduction
    So this is an interesting start to what I feel like is going to be a great series of stories. We have Apolonius, who doesn't really enjoy Pokemon but tolerates them (at least that's the vibe I'm getting from him), & we have his neighbor, Archimedes, who owns a Pokemon farm. Archimedes is going off to do something or other, & he leaves some newly hatched Pokemon and an Alakazam in Apolonius' hands to watch for the day so that Lucy doesn't get her hands on them. Thus this starts the Pokemon journey Apolonius never saw coming. But more on that later.

    It's an interesting introduction & an interesting plot, and I can't wait to see where it goes.

    Detail
    The detail was pretty good, so nice work here. There's just a couple things I wanted to point out.

    Firstly, you say Spark attack and Tackle attack in the Onix vs Electrike battle, and there's Ember attack in the Growlithe vs Weedle battle. The attack after Spark, Tackle, & Ember isn't necessary as "attack" isn't really part of the move's name. The Pokemon would know that Spark, Tackle, & Ember are moves they're supposed to know, so they would just obey their trainer (unless it was a stubborn Pokemon or something). Plus, and I'm probably just being picky here, having attack after a move makes it sound kind of awkward. I dunno, might just be me.

    Secondly, there's a part where you mention someone named Nerine, who Apolonius wants to see in the city. Who is this Nerine person? How are they significant to the story? You wouldn't really need to get too specific as to what she looks like or anything like that, but some detail on who she is and why Apolonius would want to see her would be nice. Minor details since she's only mentioned once in the whole story, and I assume she'd come more into play when the sequel to this story is put up.

    Grammar
    The grammar in this isn't half bad. I'm not sure what you did, whether it was open a Word document (which is what I'm assuming you did since those quotes look like they're from a Word document) or you got a beta reader or what, but whatever it was you did, keep doing it! Your grammar's definitely improved since the last story of yours I graded, but there's still some mistakes. Not as many as usual, but just some that have popped up that I feel like should be pointed out.

    It is home to some five thousand people, all of which love Pokemon.
    Whom would be used in this case since you're referring to people. Which would be used when describing inanimate objects, such as paintings or trees. Whom would be used when describing animate objects, such as people or Pokemon.

    Archimedes had a great big smile on his face, for he was very joyful to see his friend.
    It might just be me in this case, but I think joyful sounds awkward here. Maybe change joyful to something like happy or excited, or even something along those lines? But joyful just sounds awkward to me.

    “Very well, I should think. However, there is one thing. It is why I came.” said Archimedes with a calm voice.
    Where the first period is, after came, it should be a comma. Commas go after the last word in a line of speech instead of a period unless you're using an exclamation point or question mark. The instances where you use an exclamation point or question mark at the end of the dialogue are fine, but the ones where you have the periods after the last word in the dialogue should be commas.

    “Who said that? Come on out and face me like a man!” The little boy screamed
    "The" after the dialogue and the closing quotation marks doesn't need to be capitalized. The only time you'd capitalize something after dialogue is if it was someone's name like "Apolonius said" or "Archimedes said."

    Other than what's above, just watch for the little things when proofreading. Spell checkers and grammar checkers won't be able to catch everything you do wrong in your stories. (:

    Climax
    So there's a couple battles in this, so I'll gloss over those, and then I'll get into the ending parts of the story.

    First battle is Growlithe vs Weedle. I can see why this would be so one sided. Weedle's kind of a useless Pokemon. xD Well, not entirely useless, but as a Weedle, it kind of sucks. Plus Growlithe had a type advantage, so a battle like this being one sided is okay, in my opinion.

    Second battle is Onix vs Electrike. This one's a little eh. There wasn't really any explanation at to why Onix wasn't affected by Electrike's Spark. I know why, since Onix is Rock/Ground, but someone else reading this might not, so that's a little detail I would include in there. I can kind of see why this one would be one sided since Onix is a Rock/Ground type, and Electrike's an Electric type, so it wouldn't really be able to do much to the Onix. I think if Bob was as "great" as he said he was, he would've put up more of a fight or something. I'm also curious as to how Apolonius knew that Archimedes had given him an Onix. Only two Pokemon were officially revealed, one being the Growlithe from the earlier battle with Weedle and the other being the Alakazam that Archimedes told Apolonius about. It's a little plot hole that should probably be fixed.

    So on to the ending, we have Apolonius catching a Pokemon, in this case Weedle. It doesn't really occur to him until later that he could be a Pokemon Trainer and get away from Wildwood and go on a grand adventure. He's already done two battles, and technically, he does have a team of six Pokemon. He's about to do his third at the end of the story against Vick, and you leave us on a cliffhanger as to what's even sent. The battle will make for an exciting start to a sequel to the story~

    Conclusion
    For Weedle, an Easiest ranked Pokemon, and Electrike, a Medium ranked Pokemon, you need a minimum of 13k. You have 13622, so you're clear on the length. (It's less than what you say you have, but either way, it's over the 13k, so you're good.)

    I liked the plot, and the detail was pretty good. Your grammar's definitely improved. The battles were decent, and the climax was good. However, you're going for an Easiest ranked Pokemon, and a Medium ranked Pokemon. For Weedle, I can see it being glossed over since it's an Easiest rank, and if you mention it in the story and describe it right, which you did, it's pretty much yours. Electrike, on the other hand, only really showed up in the battle, and it seemed like its only purpose was to battle Onix. Though the rest of the story is pretty much good for something of Medium rank, the amount of Electrike in the story is not. The higher ranked the story is, the more significance the Pokemon you're going for should have.

    So I'm going to have to say Weedle is captured, but Electrike is not captured. Weedle's an Easiest ranked Pokemon, so this pretty much goes above and beyond the requirements for something of that rank. For Electrike, since it's barely mentioned outside of the one battle it's in, I don't really think it's had any chance to shine, so I'm going to have to say no to that, unfortunately. If you fix it up and give Electrike some more significance, I'll be happy to regrade it for you! (: Until then, enjoy your Weedle!


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  4. #4
    i'm wide awake Felly's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rise of a legend

    @BK201;

    I apologize for taking forever to regrade this. It sort of slipped my mind, so now I'm looking at it. I don't feel like getting super fancy with my regrade, so I'll keep this short and sweet. You've raised your character count by a little over 2k, so you're still in the range for the Pokemon you wanted. After thinking about it for a bit, the battles are pretty much the main focus of this story, or so it seems, so I'm going to go ahead and say Electrike captured, but I do want to warn you that the higher ranked Pokemon you write for, the more of a part it needs to have in the story.

    Nevertheless, enjoy your new Electrike!


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