On The Rise
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  1. #1
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    Jun 2011
    The World of Shadows
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    Default On The Rise

    On The Rise!

    “Hey, Woody, you should come down to the Pokemon trainer school with me today.”

    “I don’t want too, you go and have fun,” replied Woody in a sad voice.

    “Oh come on, they’re giving us free Pokemon and training us, what more could we ask for?”

    “Ariel, I don’t want to it just does not sound fun.”

    “You said you would, so you can keep your word, or I can tell your mom and she can make you keep your word, which will it be?”

    “Fine, I’ll do it okay.”

    “Good! I’ll see you after school.”

    {Ring, ring!}

    Time for another day of crap, I didn’t like school that much it was just the same thing over and over again for seven hours a day. I walked to my class and went to the back of the room with any luck the teacher would not call my name today, but that was a long shot. My teacher Mr. Snow didn’t like me so I got called up a lot. But to tell you the truth, I didn’t care much it’s not like I’m stupid or anything I just hate getting called up a lot. I mean, come on, make one of the idiots do something. Most the people in my class never get above C+ but me. I never fall below a B- . But it not like anything ever gets done around here, so saying something about it won’t help. The only thing you can do is get a chair and take a nap, and that’s what I did.


    Wow, I was able to sleep through my class great, I picked up my tape recorder and pushed stop. Yeah, I know what your thinking, if I sleep in class how do I get great grades? That’s easy. I recored what my teacher says the play it when I get home. This was my only class today, it’s now summer, so I have to do a test and turn it in at the end of the summer. I’m sure you can guess what it is? What did you do for summer, now your thinking that’s not a test, Well, that’s what my teacher calls it. Don’t know why, he just does.

    I walked out the room down the hall and opened my locker. I took out all my things and walked home. From school to my house it was about two miles, for me that was a thirty minute walk, which is good because I hate walking for a long time. I got home, went up stairs and put my thing in my room, then I walked back down and wrote a note for my mom, telling her I was going to meet Ariel at the Pokemon trainer school.

    I went outside got my bike, and off I went, most the time I don’t ride my bike but I felt like it today. Plus it was sunny and the warm air felt good pushing against my skin. I loved the way it warmed me up. It didn’t take long for me to get there. I put my bike away and went inside. I didn’t want to get my pants or shirt dirty so I change into some of the trainer uniforms they had, I got the brown cargo pants, and a blue T-shirt with a silver belt. Overall, I liked the way I looked. I brushed my black hair back, and looked in the mirror. Green eyes, black hair, blue shirt, and brown pants. They all when together and the silver belt looked good too.

    I walked back outside to wait for Ariel, and she was already there so I called her over.

    “Hey, Ariel, over here!”

    “Oh, hey Woody!”

    She ran right over to me with a big smile on her face. Her red hair was being carried by the wind. She had on blue pants, and a pink shirt. Her eyes as blue as the outer sky.

    “Wow, I didn’t think you were going show.”

    “Yeah, I was in there for a minute.”

    “I can see that, and what do you have on?”

    “Oh, just a trainer uniform you like it?”

    “Yeah, you look great, Woody. I love the look. Okay, lets go get our Pokemon!”


    I walked back in with her and we both sighed up to get Pokemon. Ariel went first then I got to go. There were a lot of Pokemon on the table. You didn’t see them, but there was a Pokeball with a picture and name on it . Out of all the Pokemon there, I picked the Bug Pokemon Venipede. It didn’t look that strong, but for some reason I liked that one the best. So I picked it up and told the guy next to me I wanted this Pokemon, he said okay then took me to the training field. Ariel was out there. I walked over to her and stood next to her, we didn’t know what was going to happen but I could tell Ariel was happy and could not wait to start training.

    A man and woman walked out and got up on stands, so we all could see them. Then the woman began to speak.

    “Hello, my name is, Lucy, welcome all new trainers. We are so happy that you want to become trainer and be here with us, but I should warn you that being a trainer is not easy, it’s a hard life. That’s why you are here. Me and the other trainer here will teach you how to battle, take care of your Pokemon, and teach you how one becomes a Pokemon trainer.”

    “Hello my name is, Hei, I took will be one of your tearcher’s. Okay let get started we have twenty five trainers this go around , so we will be pairing you guys up in teams of five. Five people on each team and there will be five teams, got it? Let’s get started. If I call your name, come up!”

    I waited for my name to be called, I was in the second group, and Ariel was in the first. That sucked a lot, but I got over it. I was just happy I got to go home now, we start the training tomorrow for the rest of the day they want us to get use to our Pokemon. And so I went home. Mom was back and asleep. Long days at work make her sleepy. I walked up to my room took my out Pokeball and pushed the butten in the middle. The ball opened up and a red crimson light beam from within, and then Venipede appeared at my feet.

    The red and green Pokemon looked like an armadillo a liilte bit, his shell looked just like one but his head was small and he had two tails. If I was going to battle with this Pokemon I needed to get a feel for it, and I lived near a small pond were Water Pokemon loved to go. So that would be the best place to start training.

    I called Venipede back to it’s ball, got a Pokeball out from under my bed. I had won it at a fair a year ago and never used it, but now I needed it I was going to get me a new Pokemon to help out Venipede. I walked outside. The sun was now going down, but I had a flashlight on me. I walked through thick tall grass that want up to my waist. The pond was down hill from were I was, it took me six minutes to get there. And when I did, I found myself a nice spot on the waters edge, and waited for the sun to go down. I waited about two hours before the sun had finely set. It would not be long now before I saw a Pokemon.

    And I was right, about ten minutes later a Pokemon appeared on the edge. It was a small blue Pokemon. Its belly was white with black swirls on it. With red lips and a flat tail. It looked like a Tadpole a little bit.

    I unclipped Venipede’s ball from my belt, then pushed the button. It opened up and Venipede appeared at my feet again.

    “Okay, Venipede, are you ready for battle?”

    Venipede looked at me and replied, “Venipede.”

    I took that as a yes, and called out my first move.

    “Okay, Venipede, use Poison Tail attack!”

    Venipede ran right for the little pokemon and it saw us, then shouted out “Poliwag!” Venipede two tails lit up a violet color. Then Venipede slammed into Poilwag as hard as it could. Poliwag was knocked back about six feet, it got back up on it’s feet, used it’s tail and scooped up a glob of mud them threw it at Venipede. The glab of mud hit Venipede and blew up, sending Venipede smashing into the ground. My Pokemon got back up and another glob was heading right for him.

    “Venipede, look out man, Protect yourself!”

    I didn’t know if that would help or make thing worse, I waited to see what Venipede would do. Venipede just stood there, then a green aura surrounded Venipede the mud hit the aura and blew up, but didn’t hurt Venipede. The aura had protected Venipede from the blast. I didn’t know how much longer Venipede could hold it self.

    “Venipede use Double Edge attack!” I shouted out. Venipede’s aura faded and he dashed off of fast as he could, his body lit up bright silver Poilwag took a deep breath the let out a blast of water at Venipede. The water attack missed Venipede and then he slammed into Poliwag sending it sailing through thr air, and crashing down into the ground.

    I unclipped the empty Pokeball from my belt, then threw it at Poliwag. The ball opened up and sucked Poliwag into it, then the ball hit the ground and began to wiggle once, then twice, “Ping” I had caught my new Pokemon. I could not believe it. I walked over and picked up the Pokeball from the ground, and clipped it to my belt. I turned back around to my Venipede. “Great job Venipede!”


    I was happy and so was he. I was going to head back but I decided to stay out a little bit longer and do some more battling, and that exactly what I did.

    I didn’t know how long it had been but the sun was now rising, I had battled seven Pokemon. One Paras, two Oddish, one Nidoran, one Ekans, one Zigzagoon, and a Marill. With all that I was done so was Venipede. Time to go to bed. I walked back up to my house. The sun was all the way up now. I got into my room. Venipede sat on my bed and right as I was about to sit down Venipede began to glow. Venipede got bigger and formed a circle then he stopped glowing.


    Venipede had changed. He didn’t look like Venipede he was a light purple color, with red circle all over him, and had two antennas in the front of him his eye were on his side, he looked like a wheel. I was too sleepy to do anything I just lade down and when to sleep....

    Two Hours Later.....

    “Woody! Were are you?”

    “My room!”

    I hear someone runnnig up the stairs, I was still asleep so I could not tell who was calling my name but I was about to find out. My door slammed open and in came Ariel.

    “What are you doing?”

    “Sleeping, what does it look like?”

    “You, being lazy now get up time to go to the trainer school , you will be walking me their!”

    “Do I have a choice?”

    “No, why do you think you have one?”

    “Be there in a second.”

    “Great, I’ll be down stairs!”

    I got went into my bathroom and took a shower, I put black pants and shirt went down stairs. Ariel had on blue jeans and a white shirt, we both went outside I got my bike she got her’s and off we went. We were the first trainers to get to the school right behind us were the rest and so started the the day. Over the next month and a half we learned how heal our Pokemon, and how a battle, with then also we learned what types are weak against each other, and how Pokemon can evolve into new Pokemon. I loved being a trainer I never liked doing things before, but now that I have a Pokemon I love do thing. I don’t just go to the Pokemon trainer school now I rid my bike into town, and battle real Pokemon trainers which I got money for winning and and I bought two more Pokeball, three potion, and a TM so my Wirlipede could learn SolarBeam, I was love this summer and my Poilwag had evolved too I now had a Poliwhirl .

    On top of all this I learned there was a Elite Four, and if I got eight Badges I could go challenge them and become the Pokemon League Champion of the world!. So that what I was going to do and the fiest thing I needed to do was get a Badge, and this town had a Gym leader his name was Marth he had the Coal Badge, and I was on my way to challenge him today. Now we had some stuff to do at the Pokeon trainer school, but I didn’t go there a lot anymore maybe twice a week but that was all I like it there but the way I see it, you can trainer for all long as you like but you will never get better unless you battle a real trainer. It’s all about winning some, and losing some but that didn’t matter right I needed to keep my head on. I got to the Gym and walked in, the inside was nice the walls were a navy blue with picture of Rock Pokemon on them. The floor was granite, and the ceiling had a glass chandelier hanging from it, this really was a nice place.


    “Oh, hello.”

    “Who might you be?”

    “I’m, Woody.”

    “Woody, well what are you do here?”

    “I’m here to challenge, Marth, to a Gym battle.”

    “Well now, I haven't had a Gym battle in a long!”

    “Wait, your, Marth?”

    “Why, yes I am I accept your challenge, Woody.”

    This was it I followed Marth into a room were the battle was going to take place, there was a man in the room it was the reff. Marth went to the far side of the gym, I stood at the other end waiting to began.

    “Okay, Woody, here are the rules. 2v2 you my switch out your Pokemon at any time were I can not, you can’t use any items on your Pokemon to heal them or boost a stats. The first traner to knock there appoints Pokemon wins, got all that?”

    “Yes, I do!”

    “Very well, Let the battle begain!” the reff called out.

    “All right, come on out Gigalith!”

    The Pokemon Marth called out was was red and blue It was one big rock with four limbs, and what looked like crystals growing out of it.

    “All right my turn, come on out Poliwhirl!”

    Poliwhirl looked just like Poilwag, but he had arms and his eyes were bigger, he still had the white belly with a swirl on it.

    “Let get this started Gigalith use your Sandstorm!”

    Gigalith shut it’s eyes then the ground began to shift, the sand under our feet started to fly all around us before a knew it, I had sand smacking me in the face.

    “Poliwhirl, use your Rain Dance!”

    Poliwhirl eyes turned blue and a cloud formed in the dome, and it begain to rain. The rain cleared the sand away which is going to make this battle easier for me.

    “Gigalith, use Bulldoze!”

    Marth’s Pokemon charged Poliwhirl, and he could not dodge the attack because he was still using his power to make the rain dance. Gigalith slammed into Poliwhirl, trampling over him. But he did finish the Rain Dance, and now he could heal thanks to his ability Water Absorb, which heals Poliwhirl when he in rain.

    “Poliwhirl, use your Hypnosis!”

    Poliwhirls swirls on it’s belly began to move in a circle, Gigalith looked right at them, after a few seconds it fell over asleep.

    “Good job now use your Hydro Pump attack!”

    Poilwhirl took a deep breath, then let it all out a blast of cold water shot from his mouth and hit hit Gigalith head on. But the pokemon didn’t wake up.

    “Come on, Gigalith wake up!” marth called.

    “Use your Hydro Pump attack one more time!”

    The Hydro Pump attack hit once more smashing into the rock Pokemon, the Hydro pump woke the sleeping rock. “Gigalith!!” The Pokemon called in pain, the inpact of Gigalith hitting the ground made it quake beneath our feet.

    “Good job, rest now Gigalith.”

    Marth called back his Pokemon, I could tell by the look an his face he was not happy at all.

    “All right, Crustle your up!”

    Marth threw his Pokeball and out came a rock bug Pokemon. The Pokemon had a big rock on it’s back, it was orange and brown. It had two pincers and six legs, I could not see it head only it’s eyes they were small.

    “Use Earthquake Crustle!” Marth called in a angered voice.

    I decided to to fight fire, with fire.

    “Poliwhirl, use Mud Bomb!”

    The ground was wet from the rain, and the dirt and sand made it easy for Poliwhirl to use it attack. Poliwhirl picked up two globs of mud, and infused earth power into it so upon contact the mud globs will explode. Then thew them at Crustle.

    After here the order, Crustle jumped into the air and and with a roar came plummeted to the earth with such a force that the Earthquake attack caused the ripple with such force that the ground buckled and heaved at the force exerted on. A wave came smashing against Poliwhirl, sending into the air and into a wall. My pour Poliwhirl fainted on contact.

    Crustle didn’t see the Mud Bomb attack coming for him, so the attack hit it right on the face. It didn’t do to much damage to Crustle, but mud did get into it eyes make it hader to see.

    “Alright, this is it your up Whirlipede!”

    I threw my Pokeball and out came my purple and red Pokemon, ready for battle.

    “It’s all up to you Whirlipede, let’s do! clear away the rain with Sunny Day!”

    Whirlipede used it power to clear the rain and create a small ball of light which, looked like the sun. It shind down right on top of us, givng Whirlipede power to use a move we had been try to perfect.

    “I can play this game, Crustle use your Aerial Ace attack!”

    “Whirlipede, use Protect!”

    Crustle right claw lit up as it was about hit Whirlipede, but Whirlipede used it’s power to create a aura around it self. The aura block Aerial Ace from hitting Whirlipede, Crustle backed off waiting for it’s next attack.

    “Crustle, use Stone Edge attack!”

    “Whirlpede, use Swagger now!”

    Crustle jabbed it’s claws into the ground, and pulled out a bolder. But before she could throw it, Whirlpede, rolled in self in fromt of Crustle and looked strait into it’s eyes piercing it’s very soul which gave Crustle more power, but confused it as well. The rock Pokemon drop the bolder right on top of it’s head, this was the perfect time to use the new attack and eand this battle.

    “All right, let’s end this Whirlpede use SolarBeam!”

    With the sun shining down bight as ever, Whirlpede charged it attack. Then using all it power let loose it SolarBeam attack.

    “Custle lookout dodge the attack!” Marth called out in a panicked voice.

    But Crustle did not. The SolarBeam attack was was green with yellow sparks pulsing through it, it bright beam shot through he air and collided With Crustle. The Bug and Rock Pokemon just stood there for a second then, fell over on it’s side and fainted.

    “Crustle has fainted Woody and his Whirlpede win!” Ref called out.

    I couldn't believe it I had won the battle, it was all over. Marth walked over too me with a smaile on his face.

    “Well, I have not had a battle like that in a long time, good job, Woody, you have earned this Coal Badge, take it and with you the pride of a true Pokemon trainer,” Marth had a big smaile across his face.

    “Thanks, I still can’t believe I won.”

    “Well, you have I want you to take this TM too, it Rock Polish it will make your Pokemon fatser it should help you.”

    I walked up to Marth and took the Badge and TM , then I shook his hand and we both walked out the Gym. When we got out there Hei, and the rest of the trainers were there.

    “Well, look who it is, Woody, you decided to show up after all!” said Hei.

    “What do you mean?”

    “The field trip tot he Gym, you know the one you just came out of.”

    “I didn’t came for a field trip.”

    “Then, why are you here?”

    “He came to challenge my Hei!”

    “Hello, Marth, it’s good to see you again!”

    “Indeed, I have to say you have trained, Woody, well he just beat me in my Gym.”

    “Is that right, hahah well that great!”

    “Good luck to you, Woody, I hope your dream of being Pokemon League Champion cames true farewell!”

    “Good bye Marth.”

    “So, what are you going to do now, Woody?” Hei ask.

    “I’m leave to go fight other Gym leader, and become champion.”

    “This is good bye see later.”


    I walked off into the sun set, down the road on a new journey.

    “Hey, Woody, wait up!”

    I turned around, and Ariel was runnig to me.

    “Okay let’s go!”

    “What do you mean?”

    “I’m coming with you, you can do all your Pokemon battles and become champion, but I have things I want to do so I’m caming with you.”

    And that, was that off we went on a new road were it would take us? only time would tell.....

  2. #2

    Default Re: On The Rise

    Claiming by request, the grade should be up as soon as possible.

  3. #3

    Default Re: On The Rise

    Sorry this took so long! I was backed up with school work, the WW Awards, and several other responsibilities that I had. Anyway, here's your grade!



    Introduction: We're thrown into the lives of a boy named Woody, and we're exposed to all the things that we should be exposed to. You fulfilled the requirements of your introduction by basically telling us all that we needed to know. We saw what Woody looked like. We were able to get a first peak at his personality. It set up the other events for the story, which is exactly what an introduction should do.

    One thing that I noticed that I think helped your story out a lot was the description you used at the beginning. We were exposed to what Woody looked like, what Ariel looked like, and a general overview of Woody's town. It definitely set up for other, more important parts of the story.

    However, this was also something that made your introduction somewhat harmful for the rest of your story. I've seen countless writers do this over and over again; clump all the description of the story into one or two paragraphs at the beginning and then drop all description for the rest of the story. While it might make sense to get the character's appearances out of the way before you dive into the actual story, it does sometimes make the story hard to understand. If we're constantly referring back to that single paragraph to understand what Woody looks like or some other aspect of the story, the flow of the story is jagged. However, if we're occasionally reminded and our thoughts are reinforced, it makes the story flow incredibly smoother, making the story itself better.

    Plot: This story's plot is pretty simple, but it makes sense, considering the fact that you're writing for two simple pokemon. Basically, Woody and his pokemon are trying to be the very best by becoming pokemon trainers and eventually taking on a gym. Again, pretty simple, but it works.

    I thought that the way you told the story was interesting. It was first person, and it almost seemed like it could be a diary entry combined with some real speech excerpts from Woody's actual life. It was like Woody was giving his own personal opinion to the reader, which was pretty interesting to read. Normally, the character expresses his or her opinions to the other characters which makes the reader infer, but you directly addressed the reader about Woody's feelings/opinions.

    One thing that I think could have been corrected was the spacing and timing of events. We spent a lot of time on the battle between Venipede and Poliwag and even more time on the gym battle, which were definitely important points in your story, but we also apparently skipped a month and a half in the span of two sentences. It actually confused me for a little, and I had to read back through the paragraph in order for it to make sense. If only a little more time had been spent to distinguish the time skip (sort of like what you did when Woody was woken up by Ariel, saying '2 Hours Later...') the flow and time skip would have been easier for the reader to comprehend.

    Climax: It's a little hard to grade this section for your story. There are either two climaxes -- the capture of the Poliwag and the gym battle -- or there are no climaxes, as this story could be classified as merely a telling of events. Like I said earlier, your story doesn't really have too much of a plot. It's mainly a boy trying to become a pokemon master. Because of this and the fact that we're never exposed to Woody's conflicts to reach his goal, there isn't really a massive, action-y climax in the story, which makes grading it hard, and we're back to where we started.

    However, if there is one thing that could be classified as the climax, it could be Woody coming to the realization that he wants to become a pokemon master and the champion. Even though it's extremely rushed, and we're first exposed to his goals in roughly 200 characters, it is what the story's purpose is, in my opinion. Like I've said above, there isn't much that I can critique on. This is a general climax that thousands of URPG stories have. There isn't anything wrong with it, but I was hoping we would get more of a solid climax than him embarking on his journey.

    Grammar/Conventions: Okay, I'm just going to be honest here: grammar and conventions are some parts where you struggled. Normally, I wouldn't really have that much of an issue with this due to the fact that you're writing for two simple ranked pokemon. However, at the end of your first post, you directly said that you didn't go over your story. I'm sorry if I sound frustrated or discouraging or anything, but you need to go over your work before you post it. Regardless of how strong your grammar skills are already, nobody is perfect. Proofreading is one of the most important steps of publishing your work, and it really can have a key role in the success/failure of your story.

    So, without further ado, I'll get into the actual, hands-on aspects of your story and continue from there.

    One error that seemed constant and definitely is important is your usage of commas and periods. Commas give the reader a break in the sentence which allows them to distinguish different pieces of the sentence. Similarly, periods allow the reader to distinguish sentences from other sentences, another important feature in writing to keep the flow of your story smooth.

    One way I'm able to distinguish a comma from a period is by simply reading the sentence through as if they were two separate sentences. If the two sentences work individually, meaning they have both a subject and an action, then either a period or a comma/conjunction should go between them. If one sentence relies on the other for it to make sense, only a comma goes between them. If the sentences don't make sense separated in any way, you either leave the sentence without a comma/period, or your sentence is fundamentally built wrong. It's kind of hard to explain, but I'll point out some examples in your story to better express my point.

    “What are you doing?”

    “Sleeping, what does it look like?”

    “You, being lazy now get up time to go to the trainer school , you will be walking me their!”
    The first two sentences of this quote works fine. The commas and periods question marks in this exchange of dialogue are used correctly. However, in the third sentence, the commas are being used incorrectly. These commas are trying to separate independent clauses (sentences that can stand on their own), which isn't their role unless they have a conjunction following them. Likewise, the dependent clauses (clauses that can't stand on their own) aren't separated at all from your independent clauses, which makes reading it very confusing. Again, this is kind of hard to formulate into words, so I'll simply just write the corrections to demonstrate what I'm trying to say.

    “What are you doing?”

    “Sleeping, what does it look like?”

    “[It looks like] [y]ou being lazy[.] [N]ow[,] get up[.] [T]ime to go to the trainer school[.] [Y]ou will be walking me [there]!”
    The corrections are in brackets, and they make the dialogue flow much more smoothly. (The first one I added makes the sentence correct, but other phrases could take its place.)

    Another thing that I think would definitely make your story better is utilizing the tenses. There are three major tenses: past tense, present tense, and future tense. Basically, these are determined by when the action is taking place. If I did something in the past, the verb should be in past tense. Likewise, if I'm doing something now or I'm doing something in the future, the verbs should be in present and future tense respectively. People try to keep constant in their story's tense, as it makes reading it much easier if the reader only has to remember one time period. However, there are always exceptions, including flashbacks and visions of the future. Even then, it's purely situational, and switching between tenses without a purpose can confuse the reader.

    You seem to have the basic knowledge of this down, but I have to remind you to stay constant throughout all your story unless you have a specific reason to switch. I really don't think that pointing out examples will help, as I can't really tell if this story is supposed to be written in past or present tense, but I'll remind you that you should decide what tense you're going to write in and stick with it.

    Length: The minimum character requirement for two simple pokemon is 10,000 characters. You almost doubled the requirement with about 19,000 characters. You're definitely okay in the character requirement section. However, like I said up in the plot section, the pacing of this story did seem a little off, and we were exposed to an almost 7,000 character long gym battle while a month and a half breezed by in less than 200 characters. Because of this, the flow of the story did seem a little spotty in places, but it could easily be fixed by a simple thing: moderation. If you're going to write a 7,000 character fight scene, I have no problem with that. However, try keeping up this standard; it will make the story seem more natural and will be more understandable for the reader.

    Results: After thinking about this for quite a while, I've decided that Poliwag is captured, but Venipede is not. You gave us an interesting read with a pretty simple plot, but the errors in this story simply outweighed the successes in it. With the remark about how you didn't look over your story, as well as general sloppiness that I know you could fix because I've read some of your other work, I could tell that you were being lazy with this story. If you correct the flaws I pointed out, go over your story again with a fine comb, and ask for a re-grade, I will have no problem giving you one. Enjoy your new Poliwag, take my advice in, and I hope you'll try again for the Venipede!


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