A ripple in time

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Thread: A ripple in time

  1. #1
    I ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʙɪᴛᴇ, I ᴘʀᴏʙᴇ Lovecraft's Avatar
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    Default A ripple in time

    Then stood they on a vast marble temple, outside of time itself; on one side stood the challenger, a young trainer still with naïve dreams of grandeur and delusions of fame, on the other, the defendant, a large dragon covered in marvelous steel that shone light upon every direction.

    The trainer drew forth a purple orb from his bag, determination shining in his eyes, and caught the Pokemon.

    “Yes!” he shouted repeatedly as he bounced, jumped and just generally spazzed around the temple; after a moment of quick reflection he released the deity from its cage.

    “My name is Lucas, and I am your master.” He said with a smug grin on his face.

    “If it pleases to call yourself by that title, then do so,” said the daemon in a voice so obviously inhuman it hurt the ears and displeased the soul “but be warned that you are not my master and never will be. Know also that I willingly let myself be caught, for I have no wish to waste energy with you.”

    His face now brimmed with anger, and he soon degenerated to no better than a children throwing a tantrum “I am your master. I demand your knowledge and claim your powers as my own. And you will give me them for I am your owner.”

    A monstrous metallic grind was heard, and then the it spoke “If you think you can handle it then I will surely give it to you, master.” Despite the lack of tone or inflection the sarcasm was so thick only a fool could not detect it, but sadly, a fool was Lucas. “That’s better, but now get talking, you filthy creature.”

    “If it pleases my master to hear time’s untold secrets, then tell them I shall.” It continued in the same fashion. “First we must turn to the ever distant past, in a time where man and monster lived in eternal feud and the creatures of the land, sea and sky plotted against men and kept their secrets for themselves.”

    [hr]

    In the primitive world, there were not five regions, but one large landmass, for Regigias still slumbered and there were no archipelagos or islands, for Heatran still lived in the depths of the Earth and had not yet created volcanos.

    Men lived mostly by the sea for the land was too harsh for the humankind that lived without the monster’s help, but the bay was no easier place to live for even the weakest of the marine creatures, a being you now call Magikarp, was deadly.

    These I shall to you describe, master, for they are the most likely the only one your human mind will likely understand, unless of course, you wish to know what some other monsters, such as Tyranitar or Gengar for instance looked like, in which case I’d be happy to oblige.

    They were as large as your Dragonites, and their scales were as tough as diamonds, it’s mouth had hideous teeth that pointed at all directions and its eyes were sunken and saw everything around it. The fins were large and thin and hit like razors; merry little things they were, always feeding and gnawing on whatever flesh they could claim as their own.

    But the funny part here is, with all that food they got from the humans, they started to overbreed and well, creatures like that, even if simplistic, are not suited to live in large schools, so as biologic prerogative dictates, they started to adapt.

    They lost their teeth and grew to smaller sizes, and with the base of the marine food chain changing, so did all others, and that’s why all sea monsters are like that you know, and not in their former glory.

    [hr]

    “In fact” continued the dragon, “if you’d like I’d gladly show you them” and with a flash, it did. It was not a pretty sight, and certainly amoral in new standards, but merciful in its own way.

    The hideous monsters fought in carnage against each other for the body of the young human, it’s traces were no longer recognizable, and its clothes in shreds; the only thing on him left unharmed was a purple orb; an orb that when swallowed by a Magikarp, imprisoned it.

    And thus, the capture of Dialga, millennia after the invention of the Pokeball, and the death of a random boy who was born eons after its death created the concept of Pokeballs, and indirectly prolonged mankind’s collective lifespan just long enough that it could thrive and neutralize most dangers of the world.


  2. #2
    Apple juice tastes good CrazyLilChicken's Avatar
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    Default Re: A ripple in time

    Claiming.
    Many thanks to Blue Dragon for this amazing signature.


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  3. #3
    Apple juice tastes good CrazyLilChicken's Avatar
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    Default Re: A ripple in time

    Sorry to took so long for such a short story, but I wanted to give you a helpful grade, so it does require some time. So, without further ado, I give your grade.


    Introduction/Characters~

    Your introduction was very good. The wording was engaging, almost as if you were reading a fantastical story with wizards and such. It really draws a person in and makes them want to read it more and more. So, Lucas starts out by catching a Pokemon. He draws out an orb and catches him. That’s it. The first few sentences are worded so beautifully that reading that Lucas just catches him is sort of a shock because it’s so plain. That description is flat and boring and ruins the allure you had just created with the previous sentences. Sounds harsh, but needs to be said.

    Almost immediately after catching the Pokemon, Lucas releases it from its cage and proceeds to assert his dominance over the Pokemon, which leads to him throwing a temper tantrum. After the tantrum, we get back to the wonderful wording that had ceased after the first opening sentences. The first view of the story is a third person view, but switches to the dragon narrating, then back to third person view. It’s usually helpful to put some sort of divider between the parts where they are switched, which I am assuming the ‘[hr]’ that appear through your story are.

    Plot~

    An odd plot. There’s really no storyline to it, just a Pokemon telling a story, then death. The death then sparks the new world, which was not expected at all when reading through the story. The evolving Magikarp bit was also pretty good, very interesting.

    Grammar~

    Beautiful wording. Really, good job. There are parts where the wording fluctuates, but that isn’t a huge problem. There are some misspelled words, which is distracting. I don’t want to bring up too many problems, just the ones that need the most attention.

    They were as large as your Dragonites, and their scales were as tough as diamonds, it’s mouth had hideous teeth that pointed at all directions and its eyes were sunken and saw everything around it.
    There are a few things wrong with this sentence. Typically, the word ‘and’ and a comma are used at the end of sentence when you are listing stuff, not in the beginning. When referring to something as an ‘it’, it is important that you use the term correctly. “It’s mouth had hideous teeth” is part of the sentence. Since you are referring to something that is alive, there would be no apostrophe. Only inanimate objects require an apostrophe, which wouldn’t apply to this case.

    Description~

    Description is something that you will need more of as you escalate into higher story rankings. Since this is a very low ranking one, the bare minimum is needed, and that was all that was given. When describing the Magikarp, the detail is great, but lacking in other places, such as Lucas. There is nothing given to set him apart from a lamp, if that was in your story, that is. Establishing at least hair color is good, even if that is all you use in the story. Going overboard is not needed at all, but coloring is a useful detail.

    Length~

    Pretty short story, I must say. Length really isn’t everything, so you don’t need to add, say, a thousand more characters to make it better. The longest story is usually the least read.

    Outcome~

    So, all in all, a solid story. I would recommend proofreading your story before posting so that you could fix your grammar and misspelled words. The ending was slightly confusing because of the way you chose to pace it, it felt a little rushed, but that doesn’t really matter. So, my verdict is… *Drumroll please* Magikarp is captured! You have great potential in writing, and I hope to see more of you in the story section. Your words are beautiful, just remember to proofread and you'll be fine.
    Many thanks to Blue Dragon for this amazing signature.


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