Revenge (Some violence and language)
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  1. #1
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Revenge (Some violence and language)

    Pokemon Aimed For: Two Wurmple
    Needed Characters: 6k
    Actual Characters: 6338

    Okay, well, this story is semi eco-terroristy, so to go with that vibe, I'm linking you to the International Crane Foundation's site. No, they're not eco-terrorists. They want to help endangered cranes all over the world. Since, I'm the flying type master, I feel like it would be appropriate. SO EDUCATE PEOPLE OR SOMETHING.

    http://www.savingcranes.org/



    Living well is the best revenge.
    -George Herbert



    The sound of a chainsaw roaring to life caused Pokemon all over Petalburg Woods to wake up. Zigzagoon crawled out of their burrows, their scruffy brown fur standing on end, Poochyena howled angrily at the full moon hanging overhead, Taillow soared through the air, screeching like red and blue demons, and in a small hollow log, two young Wurmple whimpered in fear and anger. Someone was attacking the forest. Every Pokemon in the forest cried out in fury as the first tree fell.

    At the edge of the woods, where the logging had begun, one Aqua Grunt turned to another. “I have a bad feeling about this,” he admitted. His blue bandanna was in his hands and he was twisting it nervously.

    “Stop being such a wuss,” the other Grunt replied. “I’d rather deal with a bunch of ticked off Pokemon than Archie if we don’t find the Red Orb.”

    “But....We don’t even know for sure that the Red Orb is in this forest.”

    The second grunt spun around. “It doesn’t matter what we know. All that matters is that we don’t screw up again, or we’ll end up being fed to the Carvanha.”

    “If you say so….” But the first grunt was still worried. He had always had a good sense of intuition and right now, he felt pure hatred coming from the woods. That’s silly, he tried to tell himself, it’s just a bunch of trees. It can’t hate anything. Still, he was uneasy.

    The two grunts returned to their logging. Meanwhile, the forest was awakening. Deep in the heart of Petalburg Woods, stood a huge pine tree. Its trunk was twenty feet in width, it stood at least two hundred feet high, and this was the place where the spirit of the forest had decided to make its home. As the Team Aqua members cut down more and more of the forest, the spirit was pissed. Soon, it would have its revenge. Children, it called, Men are coming. They cut down my trees, destroy your homes, and burn your nests. They will drink the blood of your hatchlings and pick the flesh from your bones. Do not let them. Help me avenge the lives of those who have already fallen. The spirit’s message traveled far and wide so that every Pokemon heard it. And it was true. The Team Aqua grunts had begun killing.

    “Stupid bugs,” one of them said and drove his boot through the shell of a Cascoon. The Pokemon cried out in pain before shriveling up and dying.

    The other grunt was still wary, but when a Poochyena darted out of the undergrowth and began clawing his leg, he pulled out his machete and severed it cleanly in half. The little black lapdog Pokemon made a horrible sloshing sound as the two halves slipped apart. The second grunt suddenly felt a powerful urge to run. His muscles tensed and he thought to himself, I need to get the hell out of here. Unfortunately, he ignored himself, and sealed his fate.

    “Hey,” the first grunt called, “Come look at this.” He was standing next to a hollow log.

    “What is it?”

    “I found some victims,” the grunt said and cackled. He kicked open the hollow log, revealing the two newly hatched Wurmple. The tiny, red caterpillars squealed in fear.

    “Please stop,” the other grunt begged. He didn’t know why he was asking, he just felt it was important.

    “Why should I?” The first grunt snapped back and raised a foot to squish the Wurmple. Then he felt something tickling his nose. He pulled his foot back. “What the-?“ he started to say. Then he collapsed. The other grunt immediately began running, but it was too late. He felt the tickling too and his limbs began to feel too heavy to move. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a Shroomish. It had a wide, manic grin. “Fuck. Sleep Powder,” he said simply, before collapsing.

    The grunts woke up several hours later and found they couldn’t move. “What the hell is this?” the first grunt asked. “I think we’re tied up with something.” Indeed, a group of Slakoth (the only Pokemon in the forest with opposable thumbs) had tied both grunts hands behind their backs with vines and placed them in front of the Spirit Tree.

    HOW DARE YOU ATTACK ME! The forest spirit screamed. Its voice pierced the minds of both Team Aqua grunts. They shuddered and the force of its voice caused both of them to cry out in pain. They were helpless against the power of the forest.

    “Were sorry,” the second grunt whimpered, “Please let us go.”

    YOU COME HERE AND RIP APART MY TREES, MURDER INNOCENT POKEMON, AND DEFY ME AND YOU EXPECT MERCY?! I REFUSE YOUR REQUEST. Then there came a horrible ripping sound as the earth itself cracked open. The roots of the Spirit Tree writhed out of the ground and coiled themselves around the two Aqua grunts. NOW MY CHILDREN SHALL HAVE THEIR REVENGE! With those words, every Pokemon in the forest descended upon the two men. Then the screaming started.

    Packs of Poochyena and Zigzagoon bit and clawed at the grunts, ripping their skin, while Taillow perched on them and pecked out their eyes. Millions of bug Pokemon swarmed over them, paralyzing them and injecting them with lethal venom. After about an hour, the Pokemon dispersed.



    Over the next few months, Petalburg Woods healed itself. The trees grew back, the Pokemon laid new eggs, and the undergrowth repaired itself. Archie sent in two more grunts, but they also disappeared. Time passed.



    It was a beautiful morning, the sunlight reaching through the leaves to the forest floor. The hot August air was broken by a gentle breeze.

    “You can’t catch me, you can’t catch me,” the little boy ran as fast as he could away from his sister. His shaggy brown hair was blown back by the wind.

    “Just you wait, Andrew,” called his sister chasing after him. They both had the same hair and the same bright blue eyes. They were twins after all.

    Suddenly, Andrew tripped on a tree root and fell. His sister immediately ran to his side. “Are you okay, Andrew?” But Andrew didn’t respond. He was staring at the ground in horror. “Andrew, what…” His sister trailed off. Then she started to scream. On the ground in front of the both of them were four skeletons, the bones a bright white color. No flesh or clothing seemed to be stuck to them. They were completely clean. They ran away so quickly, they didn’t notice the rare site of a Dustox and Beautifly sitting in the same tree watching them. The two Pokemon glanced at each other and grinned. No humans would bother their forest again. Their revenge was complete.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

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    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
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    Default Re: Revenge (Some violence and language)

    CLAIMING FOR I AM OCTOMOM HERE ME ROAR.

  3. #3
    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
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    Default Re: Revenge (Some violence and language)

    Introduction:

    I have to say that I found this quite a powerful introduction. We are introduced to several woodland Pokemon, all in fear for their forest and their lives. The Team Aqua Grunts have come in search of something known as the Red Orb. This may seem a tad vague, but trust me, it wasn't. How you introduced the Pokemon was certainly effective and it becomes clear that these Pokemon want to exact revenge.


    Taillow soared through the air, screeching like red and blue demons
    This right here, was extremely effective, in my opinion, for several reasons. Taillow are normally seen as plain bird Pokemon. Nothing stands out too much about them but you've changed them drastically. Through the use of the word 'demons' they are no longer the cute little creatures, but they become dark creatures of the night.

    This introduction certainly grasped my attention and encouraged me to read on. This is exactly what an effective introduction should do, so good job there.

    Plot:

    Yes, the plot too, was done quite well. We found out the true atrocities that these grunts do and in the callous manner that they do them.

    “Stupid bugs,” one of them said and drove his boot through the shell of a Cascoon. The Pokemon cried out in pain before shriveling up and dying.
    That sentence shows just how cruel these men are. I really like how it was phrased too. This standard is more than good enough for an Easiest capture. But, we soon find out that it isn't just the humans that are so horrible. The Pokemon are just as bad, if not worse. We don't know what this Spirit of the Forest is, but it's quite an intriguing creature. It appears to have control over the other Pokemon, almost as though they were his minions.

    Detail:

    Detail, also known as description, played quite an important role in this story. It helped to show how annoyed the Pokemon were (read: Zigzagoon's fur standing on end), display the innocence and fear of the Wurmple (how they cowered in fear), and so on. This not only creates a vivid image in the readers mind but it also helps them to get a true feel of the story. All in all I feel the amoount of detail was just about right and contributed to the story. Improving it no doubt.

    Length:

    6,000-10,000 is the recommended length. 6,338 falls just about in their.

    Grammar:

    For the most part, the grammar was fine but I did notice one or two small things.

    As the Team Aqua members cut down more and more of the forest, the spirit was pissed.
    that should read

    As the Team Aqua members cut down more and more of the forest, the spirit was getting more and more pissed.
    Another something I noticed wss with your elipses (...). They should generally consist of two or three 'dots' and may or may not have a space spearting it from the next word. So this

    “But....We don’t even know for sure that the Red Orb is in this forest.”
    would generally look better as this

    “But.. we don’t even know for sure that the Red Orb is in this forest.”
    One final thing I noticed was when you seperate a spoken sentence without ending it, you shouldn't really have a capital letter. Here's an example

    “Hey,” the first grunt called, “Come look at this.”
    so that should read as

    “Hey,” the first grunt called, “come look at this.”
    It isn't anything major but just watch out for these :P

    Personal Feelings:

    This story had a powerful introduction, an interesting plot and it was a pleasure to read. It was certainly enough for two easiest captures so


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