Revelations - SWC - Ready To Grade

Results 1 to 11 of 11

Thread: Revelations - SWC - Ready To Grade

  1. #1
    Registered User -Apollo-'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    England
    Posts
    2,370
    Blog Entries
    2

    Default Revelations - SWC - Ready To Grade

    Author Notes:





    Revelations

    Prologue



    A young man staggered down the road, holding a small bottle of whiskey in his right shaking hand. The city was slowly falling to sleep, taxis raced down the road escorting the drunkards home. The smell of kebabs filled the nostrils of the passers bye and the atmosphere was filled with swear words and antagonising taunts to the local people on the other side of the road. The drunkard man continued to walk down the road before taking a sharp left down a small narrow alley. He walked into the darkness, humming a random out of tone tune. Reaching into his pocket, he removed a cigarette, placing it between his lips. He clicked his fingers and a flame suddenly appeared from the tips of his fingers. He lowered the cigarette and dipped it into the blazing lame. He puffed, inhaling the toxic substance inside the cigarette.

    Then seconds later, a loud cry filled the silent sky. The cigarette dropped the floor. The man’s body tumbled to the floor. Blood surged out from the body, filtering down the sewer drain. Then a large unknown boot stamped its heel into the cigarette, extinguishing it, before disappearing into thin air.

    Chapter 1: The Bond



    “We have breaking news about the mystery murders that have been occurring through out the city. We join our news correspondent; Sarah Humming, who is live in the city. Sarah, what is the situation?”

    “We have just been informed by the police that they have found another victim, who has not been named. All the police have told us is that the victim was probably killed by the same killer who murdered the Jonas Family. As with the Jonas Family, the victim’s face was ripped off, by what seemed like claws. I will report back to you when we have more information,”

    “Thank you Sarah, this is Radio Orange, bring you all the latest information and latest music to your homes.”

    A young boy reached out towards the small portable radio and slowly turned the volume dial down. His medium dark hair hanged just above his pale blue eyes. In his huge right hand was a small television remote. He pushed the pushed the buttons down, sending signals at the speed of light towards the television. Then he slowly tilted his head upwards, looking at a small clock pinned to the wall. He sighed and in his head he started to count to three.

    1… 2…. 3….

    Then as predicted, door flew open and three boys stormed in. He turned his head and paid little attention to the boys and jolted his head back to the television. The three boys circled him like vultures about preparing to strike their pay. “What you doing, Michael?” one of the boys said. Michael turned his head and faced the boy again. His white blond hair, infused with cheap gel, stood up and he wore a plain white tank top, exposing his so called ‘guns’. He wore a small thin golden chain around his chubby neck. Michael said in response, “Nothing, what do you want now Gary. You have my weeks pocket money; I’ve done all of your homework for this week.”

    Gary smirked and signalled for the other two boys to grab Michael. Michael sighed and gave in. There was no point fighting Gary, he was the school bully. He had the whole school under his command. The juniors feared him and even some of the teachers felt threatened by him. Unfortunately Michael had to put up with Gary for his whole school life, ever since they were at kindergarten. Gary called the boys forward and led them to the toilet, next door to the television room. Michael, being dragged by the two boys, realized what Gary was going to do.

    “Swirly,” Michael muttered under his breath.

    The toilet door slammed open and the two boys dragged Alex’s tall body into one of the cubicles. Gary stood beside the toilet seat and squatted down beside Michael. He whispered into his ear, “You know you’re my favourite victim.” Michael could reply as his head was quickly shoved into the toilet bowl. Then Gary pressed down on the handle and watched as a surge of water circled around Michael’s buried head. Michael felt the water crash against the side of his head. He opened his mouth, gasping for air. He was relieved when he felt the pressure removed from his head and quickly whipped his head out from the bowl. Water cascaded down from his soaking dark hair and landed on the floor. The three boys bursted into laughter and slowly walked away, praising each other for their recent actions. Michael stood up and walked towards the hand towel. He grabbed the hand towel and started to brush his wet damp hair. As he was drying his hair, a young junior walked in and noticed what Michael was doing. Michael said nothing and left the toilets.

    For the rest of school, Michael laid low, avoiding contact with almost everyone. Whenever he caught a glimpse of Gary, he would see him imitating what he did to Michael, trying to enhance his popularity. Michael skipped the last lesson and decided to head home early. He walked towards the school car park and withdrew a set of silver keys from his pocket. He pointed the keys towards a large red jeep, located at the end of the car pack. The car flashed once and the doors clicked open. He walked towards the car and began to wish that he was different, that he wasn’t the person the bullies picked on.

    He opened the jeep door and threw his day sack onto the back seat. He jumped up onto the driver seat and shut the door. Finally he was in a safe environment, his own personal space. He jabbed the power on button on his cassette player and listened to the relaxing music of Bob Marley. He started the engine and pulled back the clutch, ready to leave this school and the monsters that occupied it. He left the school grounds like a bullet and steamed down the road leading towards the highway. He drove down the road, signing along to the music, “Don’t worry, about a thing. Cause every little thing, s’going be alright.”

    Michael soared down the road, ignoring the speeding limits. The road was empty, people were still working, it was just Michael and three miles of road. Then out of nowhere, the weather changed. The sky immediately changed from the bright blue sky, into a dark grey sky. Rain poured down from the heavens and the wind swirled around like it had a mind of its own. However Michael ignored this strange transformation and simply flicked on his head lights. The lights pierced the darkness, revealing only a couple of metres in front of the jeep. Michael slowly turned down the volume of the cassette player and looked up into the sky. It was completely black and the clouds started to flash with lightning. Alex quickly glanced at his watch, wondering if he had been driving longer than he had imagined. However the watch read 4:00pm; something strange was happening.

    Random storms were not common in Orange City, in fact the last time they had a storm was ten years ago when freak hurricane suddenly appeared out of nowhere. To this day they don’t know where it came from. Michael started to drive cautiously, knowing that in two minutes he would be home and safe from the storm. Suddenly a stray lightning bolt crashed down a couple of metres from Michael’s car. Michael quickly slammed his foot onto the breaks, halting the vehicle in seconds. He poked his head over the steering wheel and looked out onto the road. The light from the headlights revealed a huge indent from where the lightning bolt had come down; however there was something else that was very strange. Next to the indent was a small steel plate, with small turquoise ball bordering the side. Michael opened the door to the Jeep and hopped out. He carefully walked towards the plate, wondering what it could be. As soon as he was standing right next to it, he bent down onto his knee and started to examine the object.

    He slowly reached out his hand and touched the object. It was as cold as ice. He quickly withdrew his hand. He had never seen anything like it. On the back was a crest which resembling an herb. After seconds of wondering what to do, Michael decided to pick it up. He placed both of his soft large hands on both sides of the plate and picked it up. Despite its image, it was relatively light. He flipped the object over and stood in amazement with what he saw. On the other side was a face, with two huge yellow eyes bulging out. The eyes were closed and into between the closed eyes was a small turquoise ball, representing a nose. Michael was truly amazed with what he had just seen, however started to question its origin. He had never seen something like this before and he didn’t know what to do with it. Does he keep it? Does he hand it into the officials? Does he call the National Guard? Then all of a sudden the eyes popped open.

    Michael dropped the object and took a couple of spaces back. The object fell towards the ground however hovered before landing. The living object looked up at Michael. Michael didn’t know what to do and stood still, frozen in fright. The object started to move closer to Michael, circling the human being. It stopped and closed its eyes. Michael sighed and pinched himself, hoping it was all a dream. After pinching himself, Michael looked back up at the object and noticed its eyes were closed.

    “Phew,” Michael said and he turned his back on the object and walked back to the jeep. Then the objects eyes pinged back up and suddenly threw itself towards Michael. The object crashed into Michael, however then disappeared. Michael turned around, wondering where the strange object went. Then he felt a sharp pain in his head and then a voice appeared seconds later from inside his mind.

    “I am Bronzor, a mysterious creature called Pokemon. I have been sent down to stop the destruction of this planet. You will be my host, my guide and my friend. Over time you will start to feel a new power surging through. That will be my power. It is destiny, Michael Simpson. Our bond has been written in ancient scriptures, we must live up to our destiny”

    Michael was speechless. He had just absorbed a so called Pokemon into his body and it could talk. This voice also foretold of the world being destroyed and that Michael will get powers. The strangest thing was that it knew Michaels full name. Michael calmed himself down and started to try and communicate with this voice.

    “Bronzor, what is a Pokemon?” Michael said.

    “We are creatures that live in a parallel universe to yours. Some of us have the power to breathe fire, or manipulate water. Some have the power to control things with their mind or produce sparks of electricity,” Bronzor replied.

    Michael paused for a second, taking everything in. He then asked, “What is your power?”

    “I have the power to control objects by telekinesis. I also have the power to withstand temperatures over 500 degrees.” Bronzor said.

    Michael’s face suddenly lit up. If what Bronzor said was true, soon Michael would have the power to move objects with his mind and also withstand blazing temperatures. Michael then said, “You mentioned the destruction of the world, but why would the world be destroyed?”

    There was a pause before Bronzor replied. Then Bronzor quickly said, “We must go, I sense them coming, quick get into the truck.” Michael felt his body moving towards the jeep without his consent. Bronzor was pushing Michael towards the jeep, using his powers of telekinesis. Michael stuttered the words, “What, who’s coming?”

    Bronzor didn’t reply and simply forced Michael into the truck. Michael was no longer in control of his own body; he was simply a puppet with Bronzor acting as a puppet master. Michael looked into his rear view mirror and noticed a white truck quickly driving down the road. Then he felt his foot slamming onto the acceleration pedal. The jeep quickly sped off down the road, slowly getting further and further away from the white truck. Michael was relieved and managed to catch Bronzor off guard, and slammed his foot on the breaks.

    “Now Bronzor, tell me. Who were those people?” Michael said to Bronzor.

    Bronzor didn’t reply. Michael had a small idea why that would be. Right in from of them was the white van. It appeared out of thin air, almost like it had teleported right in front of them. Two people exited the white van and slowly walked towards Michael. Michael decided to talk to these people, hoping to try a diplomatic approach. He looked up at the people and started to analyse them. One was a tall lanky man with his whole right arm covered in tattoos. He had long dark brown hair that covered his eyes. His jeans were ripped around the knee and his jeans draped across the ground. He fixed his eyes to the other figure and noticed that it was a woman. She had blonde short hair that was brushed to the side. She wore a black sleeveless jacket and long trousers, which were tucked into her leather boots.

    “Get him,” the woman cried. The tall lanky man slowly ran towards Michael, raising his right fist. His fist was suddenly set a light and slammed his fist towards Michael. Michael quickly dodged to his left and stared at the man.

    “Who is he?” Michael asked Bronzor.

    “He has the power of Magmar, which means he can generate fire from his hands or mouth,” Bronzor replied.

    Michael quickly dodged another strike. All the time Michael was evading the oncoming attacks, he was gradually being guided back towards his jeep. He jumped back, evading the barrage of punches; however now his back against the jeep bonnet. He was trapped. The tall lanky man raised his fist again and slammed it down onto Michael. Michael protected his face by raising his hands to meet the sweltering heat that was produced from the fist. The fist slammed down onto his arm. Michael cried out loud and repelled the blazing fist. Silence filled the air. Michael glanced down at his arms and noticed that there were no burn marks, no cuts or bruises.

    The tall lanky man started to slowly take a couple of paces backwards. He turned his face to the woman, clueless of what to do next. She said, “Quick get over her. This boy has already started to drain the powers of its Pokemon within minutes of the transformation. They were right, he is the one.”

    The man quickly raced across to the woman and held her hand. She looked up into the stormy sky and suddenly disappeared. Michael was still amazed that he had managed to fend off a blazing punch, and didn’t realize the people had disappeared.

    “Michael, we must go at once. They could send more people after us if we stay here.” Bronzor said to Michael.

    Michael agreed and returned to the Jeep. He opened the door and leaped back into the car. The events of the past five minutes circled through his head. He couldn’t believe it, he managed to withstand fire. Michael pushed his foot down on the acceleration peddle and drove down the empty road.

    “So Bronzor, where are we going?” Michael asked Bronzor.

    “To a friend of mine, there all your questions will be answered,” Bronzor said.


    Last edited by -Apollo-; 26th April 2012 at 05:03 AM.

  2. #2
    Dewgongongongong FrozenChaos's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Louisiana
    Posts
    123

    Default Re: Revelations

    /mine.
    This is now lick.
    I'm not inactive. I'm just hiding in the tall grass waiting for someone to trigger "A WILD FC APPEARED!."

  3. #3
    Dewgongongongong FrozenChaos's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Louisiana
    Posts
    123

    Default Re: Revelations

    Introduction: You had an interesting introduction, murders and whatnot. This trickles into your actual story, where we get a good feel of your main character, Michael, and his environment.

    Plot: Your plot doesn't really become apparent until the end of your stroy, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. However, it makes your story as a whole end on a different note, one that sounds like it would be continued. This is always a good thing if you actually plan on continuing the story, but if not, it's kind of saddening. Makes readers like. "EHH, NOO D:" Which is totally a good thing, because that makes them want to come back for more. Gold star. <3

    Description: Holy moley, your story has unbelievable amounts of description everywhere. All I have to say about it is to make sure that it doesn't become TOO much. However, where it's at right now is like, near perfect. Gold star. <3

    Characters: Your characters appear to have some actual thought put into them, especially your main antagonists. A well developed character makes a story easier and more fun to read. A whole story full of well developed characters is even better. Your story is quickly turning into one of those stories, and I really do hope you decide to continue it lol. GOLD STAR. <3

    Dialogue: You don't have a whole lot of dialogue in your story, which just happens to work out for you. The dialogue more comes in at the end of the story, which makes sense if you're looking at the rest of it as if it was the introduction. Which, in a sense, it is, because this really feels like the beginning of a longer story. Your dialogue really ties up the ending you have well, but leaves enough information that you can continue it if you wanted. Words are magic. Gold star to you. <3

    Grammar: HEYHEY NOW.

    [The smell of kebabs filled the nostrils of the passers bye]
    NO SPACE NO EEEEEEE. passersby. :3

    [The three boys circled him like vultures about preparing to strike their pay.]
    Pay? Is that supposed to be prey maybe? o-o And about preparing what? XD

    uhh, if there was anything else, i forgot about it, or it wasn't that big of a deal. like "ohyah thats totally just a typo" or something. Anyways, gold star. <3

    Climax: HERPDERP Your climax was really entertaining, I just wish it would have went on a little longer. Also, something that I guess I could mention here, the whole thing you have going on in your introduction never quite comes up again. It makes me wonder if the murders have anything to do with Pokemon randomly appearing or not. Kind of upsetting, but not enough for me to forget the fact that the ending was definitely climatic. WHAT IM TRYING TO SAY IS OKAY GOLD STAR. <3 (and totally secretly hoping for more.)

    Length & Plausibility: ya ok.


    Flavour:
    I'm not inactive. I'm just hiding in the tall grass waiting for someone to trigger "A WILD FC APPEARED!."

  4. #4
    Registered User -Apollo-'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    England
    Posts
    2,370
    Blog Entries
    2

    Default Revelations

    Chapter 2: Two Weeks Before


    “Hey Kadabra, you sure it was this way?” Magmar asked as they walked down a long dark corridor. The bright flame pierced through the darkness, lighting up the path.

    “I’m sure of it. The master gave me a map before he left, leading the way towards the portal,” Kadabra said as he looked down at the map. “Looks like it’s just a couple of metres ahead,” Kadabra stated as he raised his head up from the map. Magmar turned around and looked at Machoke, whose round muscular arms tugged a small sleigh; carrying their supplies for the journey.

    Kadabra looked ahead and then suddenly halted. Magmar took a few steps forward, clearing the darkness, which was obscuring the group’s vision. Carvings on the wall slowly appeared as the light passed over. Kadabra ran his hand across the stone cold wall, feeling a small indented hole in the middle. He turned around and signalled Machoke to come forward. The huge superpower Pokemon approached the wall and removed a small stone from the sleigh. The carvings on the stone exactly replicated those which were inscribed on the wall. Machoke handed the stone to Kadabra and watched as the psychic Pokemon place the stone in a small hole.

    As Kadabra inserted the stone into the wall, he watched as the wall lit up. Light ran down through the cracks and carving. Then the wall exploded like a nuclear bomb and produced a bright white light, blinding the three Pokemon. The white light slowly faded. Magmar looked up from the ground and noticed a swirling circular portal in front of the wall.

    Kadabra turned to the other two Pokemon and said, “Remember what we have to do. Kill the boy before the connection is made, then we can start to commence on the main mission.”

    The three Pokemon slowly walked forward and into the portal.

    Chapter 3: A Family Visit


    Michael continued to drive down the road; rain drops slowly trickled down from the heavens. He was still speechless to the events that happened five minutes ago. After turning off from the highway, Michael headed down a long empty road, which leads to his house. Michael glanced down at his digital watch which read 4:15. Michael turned left down the road and arrived at his house. He parked in the garage located behind the house and jumped out of the large red Jeep. Whipping out his keys, he locked the jeep door and walked towards the back door.

    He opened the door and called out, “Mum? Mum?” There was no reply. He poked his head through the blinds and noticed that the front drive was empty. He turned around and walked upstairs towards his room, throwing his rucksack at the base of the stairs. He slammed his bedroom door shut and jumped onto the bed.

    “Alright Bronzor, where is your friend?” Michael asked Bronzor.

    “He lives in the old windmill, a couple of miles from the city. However before we can meet him, we need to develop your powers. Normally, it would take a week for host to show signs of developing their Pokemon’s power. However it took you within minutes for you to show signs, which is why I believe you could have all your powers within a couple of hours.” Bronzor replied.

    Michael paused for a second, taking in all the information. He couldn’t believe how in a matter of twenty minutes his whole life changed. Then Michael asked Bronzor, “But why me?”

    “I don’t know, I could say the same about myself. Slowpoke will have the answers to your questions. Anyway, let’s get to your training. You’ve already showed signs of fire resistance and now its time for you to move objects with your mind. Firstly I want you to move that clock; focus you mind on the clock and slowly move your hand upward,” Bronzor said.

    Michael agreed and scrunched his face up as he concentrated on the small analogue clock. The clock started to shake, like shelves during an earthquake tremor. Then Michael slowly raised his trembling hand. However the clock remained on the table and stopped shaking. Michael sighed, lowering his hand and slumping back onto the bed.

    “Try again,” Bronzor asked.

    ***


    “Yes mother, I’m on my way home as we speak,” the teenager replied. His short mud brown hair swept to one side and a pair of dark tinted glasses rested against his small slick ears. He threw the phone down on the passenger seat and slammed his blue new shoes down on the accelerator. The red BMW soared down the empty road, passing by the vacant and dull landscape. Before the drought, this highway was very popular and a lot of passersbye would pull up by the side of the road. There they would relax on the bright green grass and listen to music as they ate their lunch. However that was all destroyed when a rare freak drought suddenly appeared ten years ago. Ever since, not a raindrop has ever fallen in this area. The teenager winded down the window and stuck his head out. The wind blasted against his face, giving him an exhilarating feeling. Then suddenly he looked ahead and noticed something strange.

    The wind suddenly increased and started to gather up the small sand granules from the ground. Sand filled the air and smacked into the face of the teenager. He quickly brought his head back into the car and raised the window. He quickly placed two hands on the car wheel and started to drive carefully through the sandstorm. His vision was obscured from the thick sandstorm and he felt the car jolt to the left. He quickly turned the steering wheel in the opposite direction, trying to counteract this strange force. Suddenly, the teenager flew through the air. The gales completely knocked the car over, sending it flying into the ditch adjacent to the road. The car flew down and crashed into the ditch. The driver smacked his head on the ground, blurring his vision.

    He slowly opened his eyes and saw a feint small figure standing a couple of metres away. The figure slowly approached the destroyed car. The driver couldn’t feel his hands or feet, a numb pain surged through his body. As soon as the figure reached the car, it bent down one knee and stared into the eyes of the driver. The driver stared back into its face. The bright white skin reflected the suns rays and the two black pupils were as dark as the night sky. This wasn’t a human, it was something the world was not yet accustomed to. The figure raised his hand and slammed it down on the chest of the driver. The driver gasped out loud, he had no energy to moan. He raised his fist up and watched as the driver’s chest slowly started stop.

    The figure looked down at the dead man and placed his hands on the pale expressionless face. It was cold, like ice. The figure quickly removed his hand from the dead man’s face and lunged for his right hand. He intertwined his fingers and suddenly disappeared from sight. Then the eyes of the dead man suddenly blinked open. He rose his hands and watched as the cuts and bruises started to heal. He could feel his heart beating normally and he could feel his legs again.

    “This will do just fine,” said the man as he crawled out the car.



    Chapter 4: Escape



    “Try one more time,” said Bronzor.

    Michael held out his hand and focused on clock placed on bedside table. The clock started to shake, almost like a small toddler was playing with it. Michael’s hand started to imitate the clock however Michael ignored it and raised his hand into the air. The clock was slowly lifted off the bedside table and into the air. Michael’s face lit up and with his spare hand, he threw it into the air; celebrating his recent feat. The clock stopped shaking and fell to the floor, smashing up into little pieces.

    “Focus, Focus all the time,” Bronzor shouted. Michael leaped up from his bed and walked to the window. He rested against the radiator and started to imagine what he could accomplish with his new power.

    ‘I could get all the girls I want at school, by showing them what I could do. Or I could get Gary back for all the things he did to me since I’ve known him. Maybe…’

    His thoughts were interrupted by Bronzor, who seemed to have the power to read his thoughts. “With great power comes great responsibility, just remember that.” Michael smiled and turned around, looking out of the window.

    Michael noticed something very strange. A large black van suddenly pulled up outside his house. Michael pressed his face against the cold window, trying to get a better picture. Two people exited the van and looked at the house. They looked familiar, however Michael couldn’t identify them.

    “That’s them,” Bronzor said and forced Michael’s body towards the door. Michael suddenly recognized their faces. They were the two people who attacked him earlier. Michael walked towards his bed room door and looked down the stairs. He heard them slamming against the door, like police cops ready to storm a drug house. Michael turned around and ran towards the window. He opened the window and reached out towards the old tall oak tree, which was planted meters from his window. Michael hoped up on the windowsill and leaned out to grab the tree. His fingertips brushed the slippery leaves. He was inches away from the branch. Then he heard the sound of the front door suddenly destroyed. The sound of footsteps slowly grew louder. He retracted his hand and jumped towards the tree. He felt like he was flying for ages, when in fact it was for a couple of seconds. He threw his hand for the branch and held on. After looking down at the ground, he let go and fell through the air. He landed on the ground and quickly ran towards his Jeep.

    Michael reached the car and started to shuffle through his baggy jean pockets. “Shit my keys,” Michael swore as he realized he left his keys in his bag. He looked around for anything that could help him break into his own car. He noticed a small shovel and picked it up. He guided the shovel through the glass, shattering the glass in the process. Jumping through the window, he started to fiddle around with the wires underneath the steering wheel. His friend taught him how to start a car without keys, since Michael forgot his keys regularly. Michael breathed a sigh of relief as he heard the sound of the engine ignite and slammed his foot down on the accelerator pedal. He exited the garage and sped down the road, constantly checking if he was being followed.

    “Damn it, we lost him,” exclaimed the young man as he slammed his hands on the desk. Flames erupted from his hands and quickly faded. The young woman looked down at a small picture frame and picked it up. She ran her fingers across the picture and then said, “He will have to come back when we take his mother.”

    ***


    The young man climbed out from the ditch and walked along the long empty road. He hands were planted into his pockets and he kicked a small stone across the road like it was a football. He lifted his head up and looked into the distance. A small building slowly appeared across the horizon. The young man quickly picked up his speed and broke into a jog. As he got closer, the building became clearer. A large sign, with the words ‘Orange Fuel’ imprinted on the front, erected up from the ground. The building gradually got bigger, with a couple of large cars parked in front. The young man slowly opened the door. Everyone inside turned their attention to him, fixing their beady eyes on him. He walked up to the checkout and said, “Can I use your bathroom?” The shopkeeper nodded and pointed to his left, directing the way. The young man turned around and walked into the bathroom.

    He opened the door and quickly pinched his nose. The smell inside the toilets smelt like rotten eggs left in a small plastic bag for three months. He fixed his eyes to a small black rucksack with some clothes hanging out. He quickly snatched the clothes and entered the cubicle. He removed the blood stain T-Shirt and replaced it with a dark purple top. He swapped his torn muddy trousers for some dark blue jeans. He opened the door and threw his clothes into the bag. As he threw his clothes into the bag, he noticed a pair of dark sunglasses. He grabbed the sun glasses and exited the toilets.

    The whole room froze as the young man walked back in. He walked up to the cashier again and grabbed a small piece of paper. He started to draw a picture, hoping that the cashier had seen him. He handed over the paper and said, “I’m looking for this, have you seen it?”

    “No I haven’t, why what is it?” he replied, handing back the piece of paper. The young man sighed and replied, “It’s a family item.” He threw the piece of paper in a bin and left the shop. The cashier picked up the piece of paper and unravelled it. He stared at the image. He had never seen this item before in his whole life. He ran his finger across the plate-like shape drawing. He then looked closer at the two huge eyes in the middle, which stared back at the cashier.

    “That is one weird thing,” he said as he ripped up the piece of paper and threw it into the bin.

    The young man walked out side and slumped down against the building. He slammed his hand down on the ground and cried out loud. “It’s like finding a needle in a haystack,” he said to himself. Then he looked up and noticed a large black bus pull up in front of the shop. He stood up and slowly approached the bus. Walking up to the front door, he knocked on the door with his large knuckles. The door opened and a large round man stood in the entrance.

    “Where is this going?” the young man asked the man.

    “Orange City Central,” he said as he jabbed his finger inside his nose, plucking out a thick green gooey substance. He rubbed the substance against his large blue trousers.

    “Alright,” the young man replied as he tired to get in.

    “Umm, I’m going to need a payment, a name and what you’re going to do in Orange City. Sorry son it’s customs,” the man replied, licking the remaining liquid off from his finger.

    The young man turned around. He didn’t know his human hosts name. Panicking, the young man said, “Martin Fisher, and I’m searching for someone in my family.” The round man coughed, reminding him about the money. Martin fished through his pockets and removed some green paper, handing it over to the round man. The man took the money and let Martin in. He quickly found a seat and placed himself next to a window. Resting his head against the window, Martin slowly closed his eyes.


    Chapter 5: Titans


    “Just ahead Michael, it’s the windmill on the top of the hill,” Bronzor said to Michael, as he drove down the road. Michael glanced up at the windmill and noticed that it was very tattered. The windmill itself was frozen still and the building frames of the building were visible. It seemed like this windmill had been around for a long time. Michael turned off the main road and onto a track. The car bounced up and down from as it travelled across the stones and rocks. After enduring the track’s condition, the car pulled over in front of a large old fashioned courtyard. Michael leaped out from the Jeep and stood in front of a large gate-like door. He knocked on the door with his knuckles and took a step back. The door slowly opened and voice sudden appeared from the darkness inside. “Who goes there?”

    “Answer, Amicus,” Bronzor said to Michael.

    Michael passed on the message and said out loud, “Amicus.” There was silence from the darkness. Then moments later, the voice replied, “Come in.”

    Michael carefully walked into the dark house. As he took a step into the house, half of his body was devoured by the darkness. He looked ahead and noticed a flickering flame with a shadow figure sitting beside it. Michael stuck his hands out in front, guiding himself through the darkness. The darkness slowly parted as he gradually got closer to the flame. He looked up the figure and said, “Slowpoke?”

    The figure burst into laughter and replied, “That was my Pokemon name, I go by the name Angus.” Michael approached the table in which the flickering candle was placed. He sat down opposite Angus on a stool and looked at the figure more closely. Strands of white and grey hair drooped down to the side of his face. His hand continually shook from side to side, unable to keep it still. He wore a long dark black robe, which scrapped across the floor. He wore thin black glasses which were attached to a string around his neck.

    Angus broke the silence and asked, “And you are?”

    Michael replied, “Michael, Bronzor is my Pokemon.” Angus’s eyes lit up. He looked at the open door. He swished his hand and forced the door shut. He turned back to Michael and said, “Prove it.”

    Michael stood up and looked at the flickering candle. He plunged his hand through the flame and kept it there. The flame burnt the skin, removing the tissue on his hand. Angus nodded in satisfaction but waited, hoping Michael would show more of his power. Michael removed his hand from the flame and pointed it towards Angus. He clenched his hand and slowly pulled it towards him. Angus’ glasses slowly slipped off the nose of Angus and started to float in the air. Michael slowly moved his fingers forwards and backwards, reeling in the glasses. The glasses slowly drifted closer to Michael. Then Michael gently placed the glasses in the palm of his hand.

    The old man slowly stood up from his chair and walked towards Michael. He placed one of trembling hands on Michael’s shoulder and said, “I think you’re here for answers, am I correct?” Michael nodded in agreement; there were so many questions he wanted to ask.

    “Ok, but first I want you to ask them to myself, not a host. Hold my hand child,” the old man said as he grabbed Michael’s hands. Then suddenly, Michael disappeared from the face of the earth.

    Michael woke up and looked around. He seemed be inside a large purple box, with no way out. He stood up on his feet and ran towards one of the walls. He dropped his shoulder and slammed it against the wall. The wall absorbed all the energy inside and reflected it back, sending Michael flying through the air. Then out of nowhere a familiar voice appeared, “Michael, don’t worry.”

    “Bronzor?” Michael asked, wondering where the hell he was.

    “Yes, it is me. If you walk forward you will see me,” Bronzor’s voice replied. Michael quickly got back up onto his feet and started to walk towards the voice. His feet plodded against the hard purple floor. He looked ahead and noticed two small images slowly appear across the horizon. He picked up his pace and small water droplets started to dance down his body. Michael stopped and looked at the two creatures, metres away from his beating chest. He recognized one as Brozor however his eyes shifted to the other creature. It a large pink body with four stubby legs pricking out from the side. At the end of the body was a long crescent shaped tail with a small white tuft at the end. Towards the front of the body was a small head with two bold white cat-like eyes staring at Michael. The creature opened its large mouth and said, “Michael, I wanted you to see me in my Pokemon form. I am Slowpoke, one of the Guardians.”

    Michael froze for a second in confusion. He opened his mouth and asked, “A Guardian? What are you an guardian of?”

    Slowpoke looked at Michael and replied, “A Guardian is a Pokemon whose role it is to protect a certain area in the human world. I am one of the many Guardian’s of Orange City.”

    Michael paused for another second, taking all the information in slowly. He then asked Slowpoke, “There are other Pokemon in this world?”

    Slowpoke nodded and added, “There are many Pokemon in this world; however they are hiding behind a host, protecting their identity. However lately there have been some evil Pokemon visiting your world.”

    Michael butted in and looked at Bronzor, “Like the people who we saw at my house?”

    Bronzor nodded and allowed Slowpoke to explain. Michael turned his head back to face Slowpoke and awaited his answer. “I have a reason to believe that the reason the evil Pokemon have suddenly entered your world is because they are trying to resurrect the three titans,” Slowpoke said to Michael, taking it slowly.

    Michael’s face scrunched up into a ball with confusion and he asked, “Three titans?”

    “Yes, they are the three Pokemon that have the power to destroy cities and continents. They destroyed many cities in the Pokemon World and were responsible for millions of deaths. King Gallade at the time decided that the only way to stop these monsters was to put them into a deep sleep and burry them in a place no-one would find out. However King Gallade died before he could carry out these ideas and it was up to us, the guardians, to bury the bodies of the Titans. We burred the Titans in a tomb located under the earth's surface and we split the key into six parts, handing one part to each guardian. The Titans can only be revived with the keys," Slowpoke replied.

    “So you think someone is going to try and resurrect the three titans?” Michael asked, intrigued by what Slowpoke is saying.

    Slowpoke cleared his throat and replied, “An escaped criminal called Zoroark escaped from the Zone a couple of weeks ago with some other Pokemon. Zoroark managed to unlock the Grey Portal, allowing him to travel into this world. He has been killing other Guardians for their keys, trying to obtain all to unlock the vault.”

    “There is one thing I don’t quite understand yet. Why are there evil Pokemon following me? I surely don’t have a key.” Michael said in a confusing tone.

    “You, Michael Simpson, are to prevent Zoroark from unleashing the titans. Those Pokemon that are following you are his minions, set out to kill you. It is foretold in the ancient scriptures that a young boy and member of the royal family will prevent the destruction of both worlds.”

    ***


    Rain pounded down the window of the bus and the bus slowed down. Martin looked outside and watched as hundreds of people rushed into buildings, protecting themselves from the falling rain. The small round man stood up and called out, “Orange City. This is a stop for Orange City.” Martin stood up and walked out of the bus. He turned around and watched as the bus quickly drove away from the bus stop, into the distance. He looked up into the sky and watched as small rain drops tumbled down from the dark grey clouds that hung over the city. He took off down the street, looking out for any unusual activity.

    Martin walked down the street, looking down the alleyways as he passed bye them. He could smell the smell of a warm hot dog van up ahead, revitalising his senses. As he walked by, the smell intensified and he could almost feel the soft skin of the sausages in his dry mouth. Martin quickly returned back to reality and continued walking. The all of a sudden he heard the scream. The rain intensified and now the rain drops were falling down like waterfall. Martin quickly turned to his left and ran down the long damp alleyway. At the end of the alleyway were a group of two men pushing around a younger child. Martin stood a couple of metres away and watched both men. One was a tall man with ice white hair stuck up. He wore a long trench coat with hung across his dark black boots. The other man was smaller and rounder compared to the other man. He wore a small leather jacket and a bright grey T-Shirt underneath. A pair of black tinted sunglasses hung across his eyes and a woollen beanie was formed around his head. Then his focus turned to the little boy. He was pinned against the wall and was surrounded by these menace monsters. He had short blonde hair and wore a bright orange jacket.

    “Who is your master,” shouted the taller man. The young boy said nothing and slowly descended down towards the floor. The tall man picked up the boy with his right hand. The young boy started to tremble with fear. The man held his left hand and watched it as it started to solidify. The fist slowly turned blue and after a couple seconds it suddenly turned into ice. Martin quickly acted and started to run towards the boy. The small round man noticed Martin and quickly slammed his hands into the ground. Out from the ground appeared a huge steel sheet, blocking off Martin and the others. Martin quickly halted and drew his fist back behind his head. Then, Martin threw his fist forward and slammed against the iron wall. The wall shattered and small metal pieces were scattered across the alleyway. The tall man noticed this and turned around, dropping the little boy.

    “So who are you? Guardian or Agent?” the tall man asked Martin.

    Martin looked forward and simply replied, “Royal Family.” Martin quickly ran up to the small round guy and planted his fist into his stomach. The force of the punch sent him flying into wall. The round man smashed into the wall, creating a hole, before slipping down to the ground. The tall man drifted his eyes from his companion to Martin. He raised his hand and guided it towards Martin. Martin quickly dodged the punch and threw a quick right jab to the face. His hand collided into the ice cold skin of the man. He quickly took a few steps back and tumbled down to the floor. Martin stood over the tall man and said, “Who do you work for?”

    There was no response. Martin looked down at the tall man and grabbed him by the collar. He repeated his question again. The tall man suddenly bursted out with laughter and threw salvia into Martins face. He placed his hand on Martin’s stomach and suddenly started to spread the ice from his hand onto the surface of Martin’s stomach. Martin quickly clenched his stomach and released the man. He could feel the burning sensation throughout his body. He looked up and noticed the tall man hovering over, pressing his finger against his head.

    “Night Night,” He said and started to freeze the top of Martin’s head. However out of nowhere a gush of water sent the tall man flying into the brick wall. Martin looked in the corner of his eye and noticed the young boy holding out his palms, which were facing in the same direction as him. The young boy quickly ran across to Martin and said, “Thank You for saving me. What is your name?”

    “Martin,” Martin cried in pain. He pressed his hand against his stomach and eased the pain. The young boy looked at the wound and said, “It’s Ok, I’ll take you to my Master, he know what to do.”

    “Who’s your master?” Martin asked. The pain had intensified and now he couldn’t feel his whole stomach.

    “Why it’s Slowpoke, the wisest Pokemon in the human world. He knows everything and everyone.” The young boy replied as his raised Martin up from the ground. Martin looked at the boy and asked, “So what Pokemon are you?”

    “Poliwag. My family have served as messengers for the Slowpoke’s for years and now it’s my responsibility to continue that tradition,” The young boy replied as he started to apply some cool water to the ice burn, “and what Pokemon are you?” he asked.

    “I am Meditie, I am looking for my cousin Bronzor. Have you seen him?” Martin asked. The cool water eased the pain however it never healed it.


    The young boy looked up at Martin and said, “I’m sure Slowpoke would know.”


    ***


    “Master, we have found the fourth key. We are going to report back at once,” a voice said down the radio. The radio was suddenly thrown across the room into the corner. A man sat down in a large black leather chair and started to examine a small ring. It had the letter Z inscribed on the front in red paint. He placed the ring down his finger and examined it.

    “Fetch me Zero,” the man barked down the tannoy. A trembling voice replied, “He’ll be with you in one second.” Suddenly a figure appeared in front of the desk. His wide white grin stood out through the darkness.

    “Zero, I want you to kill the boy,” He commanded.

    “Yes master,” replied Zero as he suddenly disappeared from sight.


    Last edited by -Apollo-; 14th July 2012 at 06:05 AM.

  5. #5
    noble roar Buoy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    olivine city, johto.
    Posts
    2,105
    Blog Entries
    12

    Default Re: Revelations

    Hi, Mr. Man. I'll have this graded at the weekend, most likely.

    /claimed

  6. #6
    noble roar Buoy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    olivine city, johto.
    Posts
    2,105
    Blog Entries
    12

    Default Re: Revelations

    Introduction: Hey, I can dig it. Your introduction relies heavily on the fact that whoever's reading it should have already read the previous chapter so that they know what's going on, which sort of put me at an immediate disadvantage since I don't really have much time on my hands to go through both. I'm not saying that you have to re-introduce the entire story again, but you can at least pass on some sort of information while you're writing out the next chapters -- however small, it's bound to help someone even if they're not me. For example, someone could've missed a detail in the first chapter, so doing some kind of recap can help, especially if the first chapter's long and the following are a little on the short side. This part is really just me being a little selfish, though -- realistically, you're fine regarding this.

    'Chapter Two' was quite effective in bringing in an element of mystery and conflict -- Kadabra stating simply that the 'boy' must be killed, and for unknown reasons. It's this sort of mystery and unresolved conflict that really will hook a reader and keep them reading on. You could have done it even better by, like, keeping the identities of those perpetrators a secret -- that way, later on, you can reveal and resolve the conflict in an even more dramatic way. You don't have to do that, of course, and there're some other ways of making it better, which is where your imagination comes in. I've given you one idea -- for future stories, perhaps you could expand on a similar idea. If you're going to try and make things mysterious, might as well go the full hog, yeah?

    The starts to the other chapters aren't really classified as introductions in themselves -- they seem to serve more like interludes. But anyway, what introductory stuff you did have was neat, although there wasn't much of it -- which is acceptable, seeing as there was a chapter (and a prologue) before you wrote these parts to the story. Those would serve as your main introduction for the entire story anyway, presumably, unless new subplots, ideas, characters or locations were being woven in. Good job. ^^

    Plot: Well, it's sort of hard to decipher since your narrative does jump locations a lot. Evil Pokémon are plotting to kill 'the boy', Michael is learning to control his abilities and Martin, a member of the 'Royal Family' is introduced. I think these parts of the story are mainly when things are starting to come together -- Michael is practising his powers for the possibility of a 'final confrontation', the revelation that Michael is Martin's cousin, the whole thing about the Titans, etc. I like the way you've written it a good deal, like puzzle pieces are beginning to be put into their proper places. It's definitely a good way of building tension -- and in that, excitement, as the readers want to know what the meeting between Michael and Martin will be like, or how the Titans plot will play out.

    At this stage, it's more of a transgression kind of plot -- things aren't beginning, and they're not ending. This feels like maybe the middle of the story, and things are slowly building up to the climax. In that sense, your pacing is quite good -- the story isn't going too fast so that it seems rushed, but it's not trundling along, either. However, even though the progression of the plot is going at a reasonable pace, your narrative jumps a lot from one place to the other -- I'm used to this, because a lot of novels move from one character to the next from chapter to chapter, but they'll generally spend two chapters at a time on a certain character unless there isn't that much that they have to contribute towards the story. I'm aware your story isn't as full-fledged as a novel and your plot isn't as developed, but try to avoid jumping around too much with what's going on. A way to improve this, perhaps, is to try and provide a smoother transition into the next chapter, instead of abruptly ending one chapter diving straight into the next. Or, you could try putting the two chapters about Michael together, and then the two about Martin together.

    The way you split your chapters -- y'know, the three asterisks or whatever to signal a new scene -- is also contributing to the jumpiness. Since they're all chapters and not one continuous story, you need to be careful about how relevant the scenes you place into a chapter are to the subject that the chapter is about. If you see a scene that seems a little out-of-place compared to the rest of the chapter, then consider giving it its own chapter later on, or simply omit it if it doesn't contribute to the plot overall. For the most part, you were fine on this, but I'd look through your chapters in future stories for scenes that don't seem to belong.

    Your plot, though, overall, was solid. There wasn't anything that needed explanation that seemed out-of-place -- mainly because you used a lot of dialogue to explain things through your characters. There weren't many blatant errors or weird things going on either, things that didn't make sense, but there were a few. Why are there humans who have powers of creatures from parallel universes? Why was Martin not surprised that the young boy knew what Pokémon were? Questions like that do trouble a lot of readers if they pick up on it, so it's better to get explanations like that out of the way -- when Michael was learning to control his powers, you could have had Bronzor explain the answer to the first question. For the second question, you could have included a surprised response or a small interrogation in Martin's answer.

    Grammar/spelling: I think you know that you fall down a little in this area.

    UM. Let's start with homophones. These are words that sound the same, but are spelled differently and mean different things. 'Your' and 'you're' is pretty much the prime example that people get confused with today. You know, I'm actually getting worried that, one day, 'you're' is just going to be thrown out of the English language entirely because people either do not know it exists or don't know how to use it. IT'S SCARY. Anyway, yeah. The difference between most of these things are pretty simple -- for 'your' and 'you're', remember that YOUR denotes possession, while YOU'RE is 'you are'. It is your pen, and not you're pen. Your not silly, but you're not very good with grammar. The following are also things you need to remember about common homophones:

    There/their/they're -- 'there' denotes location, such as 'over there'; 'their' denotes the possession of 'they'; and 'they're' is 'they are'.
    It's/its -- 'it's' is 'it is', used in description of something; 'its' is something that belongs to an 'it'.

    The next major thing: Addressing in dialogue. I don't blame you, since this is a fairly common error -- in fact, I have corrected so many people on this. I don't know why, but people seem to forget about the necessary commas when addressing someone. Eat this grammar gripe post. It may help you understand. After all, it can explain things much better than I can... even if it was posted by myself.

    You also love semi-colons. LOVE THEM. Your story is like a walking advertisement for semi-colon abuse. There should be a helpline for them or something. A lot of the sentences you joined together, such as 'There are many Pokemon in this world; however, they are hiding behind a host, protecting their identity' or 'Michael continued to drive down the road; rain drops slowly trickled down from the heavens' should be separated by full stops. The actual proper use of semi-colons is a hard thing to explain, since the difference between those and colons is pretty much negligible, but I think you'll find that this might help you.

    There are others, of course, but all the grammar problems in your stories are not worth pointing out all at once. You'd just become overwhelmed and barely absorb any of it. This was one of your poorer areas, but once you've written and been corrected a good many times, you begin to pick it up on your own. Grammar's easily memorised and, when you're used to using proper grammar enough, you barely even think about it. Just keep working at it!

    p.s. Pokémon species names like 'The Superpower Pokémon' and 'The Psychic Pokémon' are capitalised.

    Detail/description: Hey, I really don't have many problems here. The first major problem is that you're only really incorporating visual and touch description -- sound and smell are sort of out of the window in this. Of course, you use things like 'shouted' or whatever, but that doesn't really do much for the description of a sound. I dunno, really. Try to work on incorporating more senses into your description. You do have a hell of a lot of it though, and it's not even too much -- you have a knack for spreading it around where it's needed, although there are areas in your visuals where you lack details. Not everyone knows what a certain Pokémon looks like -- describe! Kadabra, Magmar? Things like that can boost up your description a little. Otherwise, the description is mostly well done.

    Also, in your description, you seem to describe things a little weirdly -- giving details to something that makes it exhibit features that it would never actually have. I just don't know if you're able to word things the right way -- just be careful of the verbs or adjectives you use, otherwise what you're visualising might not come out right in words. Like saying that the light from the flame 'pierced' the darkness is creative enough, but light doesn't really pierce anything. It's just small things like that that can make small errs appear.

    Length: You're a little on the low scale for the three 'mons you're trying to capture. Not under, but only a small amount over. It could do with some beefing up, I guess, but I'm not going to complain, really. You've put in a fair effort.

    Outcome: All of the Pokémon are captured. I feel that the effort put into this story outweighed the faults in grammar and description, and the creativity and flow of the story cancelled out the small problems you had with strange, small plot-holes that had popped up. Have fun with these new Pokémon! :>

  7. #7
    Registered User -Apollo-'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    England
    Posts
    2,370
    Blog Entries
    2

    Default Re: Revelations - SWC - Ready To Grade

    Since this part of the series is going to be featured in the SWC, I have created a short summary explaining what has happened.



    Chapter 6: 10 Years Before



    “Sir, you must leave. The Titans have breached the city walls,” cried Slowking. Gallade glanced at Slowking and remained unmoved. He sat on his throne, overlooking the whole city. Flames engulfed the walls and the houses of the peasants. He watched as the three Titans destroyed everything in their paths. Streets were filled with the debris of the fallen houses, the senator’s house was crushed and demolished. Gallade sighed and said, “I will not leave this palace. This has been the home of my fathers for generations. I was born in this place, and I will die in this place.”

    Slowking glanced up and replied, “But what about your son. Surely he doesn’t want to see his own father die like this.”

    “My son will never see me. I have arranged for him to be sent to the monks at Illakosh.” Gallade replied and looked up into the dark sky. It was empty like the stomach of a hungry Snorlax. Slowking looked up at his king and asked, “Sir, how are you going to stop these Titans then?”

    Gallade smiled and replied, “As the Titan’s get closer to the palace, their power are radically weakened. For, the previous kings created a small device which restricts the enemy’s strength and power as they breach the palace walls. We have adapted to this change and it seems normal to us. As soon as the Titan’s breach the palace walls, we will finally attack.”

    Slowking looked ahead and watched as the Titans approached the palace walls. “Everyone, take your positions!” cried the King. Then swarms of guards flooded the palace keep, taking aim on the oncoming titans. The Titans advanced forward, destroying the palace walls. Debris flew across the palace courtyard like shrapnel from a grenade. A small light flickered on top of the palace keep and then suddenly, a huge wave created a dome around the palace.

    “Fire!” shouted Gallade. A mixture of fire, water and electricity flew out from the palace keep and collided into the Titans. The Titans tried to retaliate, however their movements became slower and their attacks were weakened. Soon these huge Pokemon, overcome by their wounds, crashed into the ground. A loud cheer erupted from the guards along the palace keep, they finally defeated the three titans.

    "Sir, do you want me to preform the ritual?" Alakazam asked as he walked up to the king. Slowking glanced at Alakazam and then looked away, trying not to make eye contact. The King nodded and Alakazam slowly walked away.

    Slowing confusingly looked up at Gallade and said, "What ritual is this sir?"

    "There is no way to simply defeat these Titans, therefore we are going to put these titans in a deep sleep and burry them in a secret place. I thought you already knew that?" Gallade said to Slowpoke. Gallade attention changed as he fixed his eyes on Alakazam as he walked down towards the three titans preparing for the ritual.

    Slowking looked up at Gallade, making sure Gallade attention was else where. Slowking’s image slowly changed. His pale salmon pink hands transformed into a pair of deadly claws. He small legs changed into a pair of long dark legs. Then his face transformed, revealing his true identity. His fangs were white as the stars and his crystal blue eyes fixed onto to his prey.

    "Where is Slowking then Zoroark?" Gallade asked, still looking ahead at the ritual which was about to take place.

    Zoroark laughed and replied, “Dead. It's Ok, don't worry you'll join him soon.” Suddenly Zoroark plunged his claws into the back of Gallade. Gallade cried out in pain, attracting the attention of the guards. Zoroark laughed and held his hands up in the air, surrendering to the guards. His mission was complete, there was no point retaliating. Blood surged from Gallade’s body and cascaded down the palace stairs. The guards quickly pinned Zoroark down, while the officals tended to the wounded king. One offical tried to save the King's life, however it was too late. Gallade lay on the palace threshold and uttered, "My son... will... fulfil...."

    Meanwhile, at a distance, a young Meditite watched as the King was announced dead. Some tears trickled down his face and landed on the floor, creating a quite sound.

    Drip. Drop. Drip



    Chapter 7: The Upset


    Drop. Drip. Drop.

    The icy cold rain poured down from the sky like a waterfall. It crashed upon the umbrellas of the pedestrians passing by. Martin walked forward, advancing through the passing pedestrians. He halted immediately and glanced down at the small boy, standing by his side. His golden brown hair was now soaked and his clothes soaked the rain up like a sponge. “Let’s take shelter by this bus stop,” Martin said. The young boy nodded in agreement and followed Martin as he marched towards the bus stop. As they arrived, they watched as passengers hurried into the bus, evading the falling rain drops. Martin smirked and sat down on the bench.

    “So, what is your human name?” Martin asked as the young boy sat down beside him.

    “Jake. Slowpoke gave me the name,” Jake replied. He looked up into the dark sky and asked, “Does it rain from where you come from?”

    “Don’t you mean where we come from?” Martin stated. The young boy smiled and anxiously fiddled around with his hands. Then he replied, “Well, I was born in the Pokemon World, however as soon as soon as I was 4 weeks old, I was sent to Earth to live with Slowpoke.”

    “Interesting. Well, it doesn’t rain a lot. In fact most of the time, the sky is always dark with only the stars lighting up the world, it's quite beautiful,” Martin replied.

    Jake, intrigued by Martin’s words, replied, “Aww, I plan on going back to the Pokemon World and becoming something different. Maybe you could take me back with you?”

    “I might not be coming back. It's my mission to find my cousin and help him and who knows what might happen.” Martin looked up and watched as the rain drops slowly started to fade away. Martin turned to Jake and said, “Common, let’s go.”

    ---


    “So let me get this straight, I’m supposed to stop a murder from unleashing three Titans, who have the power to destroy cities, which puts many people's lives at risk?” Michael asked.

    Slowpoke looked at Michael and nodded in agreement. Michael sighed and slouched against the purple hard wall. He held his hands in his head and replied, “I didn’t want any of this, why me?” Michael cried.

    “Michael. I do not have an answer for your question. I believe that there is a greater power directing you,” Slowpoke replied. Michael stood up and looked at the two Pokemon. He turned around and said, “I just want my normal life back. I'm out of here.” Michael walked ahead, fixing his eyes to ground. Soon, Michael vanished into darkness.

    “What are we going to do, he was the chosen one,” Bronzor stated with a worrying look. Slowpoke glanced up at the small floating metal Pokemon and said, “So are you. Don’t worry, he’ll be back.”


    Chapter 8: The Friend From Another World




    Jake and Martin progressed down the busy street, full of pedestrains rushing from place to place. The rain had faded and the sun’s light started to break through the dark clouds. Martin couldn’t stop thinking about the night he witnessed Gallade’s death. Images of his body tumbling to the palace floors filled his mind and the face of the killer haunted him in his dreams. Jake looked up at Martin and noticed that he was zoned out. He leaped into the air and started to wave his hand in front of his face, trying to grab his attention. Martin blinked and snapped his neck to face the young boy.

    “What is it now?” Martin snapped. Jake slowly withdrew away and blurted out, “You were going to walk into that lamp post.” Martin quickly evaded the lamppost at a blistering speed. Everyone’s eyes were fixed on Martin, like an audience watching a solo opera singer. Jake quickly grabbed Martin’s arm and dragged him away into an alleyway.

    “What was that about?” Jake questioned. Martin shrugged and said, “It was a reflex. I haven’t adapted to this body yet.”

    “Adapt soon or they will figure you out. I’ve seen people whisked off from the streets because they showed their true colours. Rumour has it that they take them away to secret buildings and perform tests on them.” Jake said, glancing over his should to see if anyone was watching.

    Then from a distance, the sound of clapping bounced off the walls of the alley way. A young woman leapt off a red brick wall landed in a small murky brown puddle. She continued to clap and slowly advanced towards Martin and Jake. She had long green hair which swayed at her hips. She wore a black trench coat, which rested a couple of inches above the ground. As she walked forward, the sound of her heels could be heard as the connected with the ground.

    “Bravo, bravo,” the young woman said, still clapping her hands.

    Martin smiled and said to Jake, “This is Ralts, an old friend.”

    “Oh, but you can call me Sarah,” replied Sarah and she outstretched her hand, inviting Jake to kiss her hand. Jake lowered his head and planted a quick peck on her cold pale skin.

    “What pleasure is it that we may be in your presence, ma’am?” Martin asked, looking deeply into her dark grass green eyes.

    Before Sarah could reply, two men suddenly appeared at the entrance to the alleyway. They were both tall and muscular and both wore a long cloak. Sarah quickly turned around and faced the two oncoming men. Martin looked at Jake and said, “Take shelter behind that small waste bin.” Jake agreed without any hesitation and squatted down beside the bin.

    The two men slowly removed their hoods and revealed their true appearance. One man had short golden yellow hair which was glued back with jell. The other man had long purple hair which was swept across to one side. They stood opposite Martin and Sarah and said, “Which one is royalty?”

    Martin and Sarah looked at each other and then said, “Both of us!” Both men roared with laughter and then cried, “Not for long.”

    The yellow haired man raised his palms to the sky. Suddenly, the sunlit sky started to turn grey and flashing clouds started to fill the skyline. He lowered his hands and then threw them in the direction of Martin. Thunder suddenly appeared from the clouds and crashed down towards Martin. Martin quickly leaped back evading the attack.

    Meanwhile, Sarah quickly dodged a large slime ball, which was fired out from the purpled haired man’s hands. He started to spin around, staying in the same place. He raised his hand in the air and suddenly thick purple liquid started to erupt from his hands. The thick purple liquid was scattered across the back alley, some colliding into Sarah. Sarah quickly wiped the liquid off her clothes and stared at the purple haired man. She held her hands out in front of her and started to create a small glowing purple orb. Then, she fired the orb towards the purple man, watching it glide through the air. He quickly raised his hands and created a thick runny purple wall in front of him, absorbing the attack from Sarah.

    Michael continued to dodge the lightning attacks, leaping from left to right. The yellow haired man smiled and fired a bolt of lightning to Martin’s left. Martin quickly dodged to the right, however was quickly met by another lightning bolt. He couldn’t evade this one and absorbed the attack. Thousands of volts flowed through his body, inflicting a lot of pain on Martin.

    Sarah quickly turned her head towards Martin, taking her eye of the battle. As she turned around, a large purple liquid sprayed across her face. Sarah crashed to the floor as the acid started to burn her face. Jake, who was watching these events take place, quickly came out from hiding and fired a jet of water towards the two men. The men were caught off guard and endured the attack. Jake quickly stopped and rushed towards Martin. Martin was hurt however he slowly made his way back onto his feet.

    “Argh, Jake, go help Sarah.” Martin ordered. Jake nodded and quickly rushed towards Sarah. He face was covered in a purple liquid, burning the skin underneath. Jake held his hands above her face and started to wash the acid away with water. Sarah’s eyes started to widen and she suddenly coughed from all the water. She lifted her head and watched as Martin took on both of the two men.

    “Give up now, it’s no fun beating up weak people,” cried the yellow haired man. His friend belted out with laughter and fired a large purple ball towards Martin. Martin quickly dodged the attack, rolling along the ground. Sarah slowly got back up onto her feet and walked across to Martin.

    “Let’s do this,” Martin said and quickly ran up towards the yellow haired man. The yellow haired man threw his large fist towards Martin, however Martin quickly dived under the punch and leaped up into the air behind him. Martin quickly created a small blue ball in his hands and launched it into the back of the grunt. The man crashed into the ground. Martin landed on the ground and quickly ran up to him and placed his foot on the back of him. Sarah and Jake quickly surrounded the other man before he could do anything to retaliate.

    “Who sent you?” Martin asked the man on the floor. He groaned from the pain and then bursted out laughing. Michael grabbed the man’s collar and picked up with one hand. “Tell me again, who sent you.”

    The man continued to laugh, unwilling to talk. Michael shoved the man’s face into the ground. A loud cry of pain echoed out from the man’s mouth. Michael looked down at the man and shouted, “Last time, who sent you!”

    “Zoroark,” replied the man and then he bursted into laughter. Michael grabbed his neck and twisted it, snapping the spine. Martin turned his attention to the
    other man. He was slowly being forced back against the wall. Sarah walked forward and grasped her hand around his throat. "Where can we find Zoroark?"

    He started gag and Sarah slowly released her grip, however still having her hand planted on his neck. He cleared his throat and replied, "I don't know. Zoroark just gave us a map leading to the Grey Portal and a piece of paper with some errands to do. That's all I know seriously." Sarah threw the man against the wall and let go, watching as he slid to the floor.

    Martin looked at the man and said, "Your coming with us. I assume that their is a drop off location for your next set of orders?"

    The man nodded and planted his hands in his coat pockets.

    "Ok, and what is your name and your Pokemon?" Martin asked.

    "Tentacrool and Fisher," Fisher replied.

    "Ahh so you're from the Aqua Toxic Tribe, no wonder your working for Zoroark," Martin replied and grabbed Fisher by his arm. "We don't want you suddenly disappearing now, do we. Let's walk down the alleyway and walk along the river. At the end of the river, you will tell us where the drop off location is."

    "Bronzor, I'm coming for you," Martin said to himself, as they were walking down the alleyway. He knew that if Zoroark was sending men after the royal family, he would be sending the best he's got to come after Bronzor.


    ----



    Michael looked up into the sky and watched as the dark rain clouds started to disappear. He stood outside the small house and looked inside, noticing the old man still asleep. He turned around and started to walk down the hill towards his van.

    “Not so fast Michael,” said a mysterious voice. Michael turned around and noticed three men standing behind him.

    “Just leave me alone,” Michael said and turned around and tried to walk away. However the three men suddenly appeared in front of him, teleporting. “Do you know who I am?” said one of the men.

    “No, enlighten me,” Michael half heartedly replied.

    “Zero, the most deadly assassin in the world. It is my job to kill you, Michael Simpson,” replied Zero.

    Last edited by -Apollo-; 23rd July 2012 at 04:51 PM.

  8. #8
    Dewgongongongong FrozenChaos's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Louisiana
    Posts
    123

    Default Re: Revelations - SWC - Ready To Grade

    Mine! <3 I'll get to it within two days. I remember that I liked this story and I want to read all of it lol. So it'll take a bit, but I'll get it done. ^_^
    I'm not inactive. I'm just hiding in the tall grass waiting for someone to trigger "A WILD FC APPEARED!."

  9. #9
    Dewgongongongong FrozenChaos's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Louisiana
    Posts
    123

    Default Re: Revelations - SWC - Ready To Grade

    I thought things had calmed down enough here that I'd be able to focus a bit more on my online life (cause it's so much fuckin better than everything else >_>) but it hasn't. @_@ I don't know when I'm going to get the time to grade this since I'm moving into a different place before August, so it might be best to get someone else to grade this. >: I'm reeeally sorry. <3
    I'm not inactive. I'm just hiding in the tall grass waiting for someone to trigger "A WILD FC APPEARED!."

  10. #10
    Head of Stories Princess Crow's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    URPG!
    Posts
    1,400
    Blog Entries
    6

    Default Re: Revelations - SWC - Ready To Grade

    I've claimed this by request, and the grade should be up as soon as possible.

  11. #11
    Head of Stories Princess Crow's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    URPG!
    Posts
    1,400
    Blog Entries
    6

    Default Re: Revelations - SWC - Ready To Grade

    Introduction: Usually, I follow a structured format for the introduction, which includes the four W’s of the introduction, which I use to better portray my thoughts. However, I couldn’t really incorporate that method into your introduction, because, honestly, we didn’t really get an introduction. Of course, this is understandable, as this is one of the later parts in the series. The closest thing we got to an introduction was the brief summary in the beginning of your story. I’ll explain my viewpoints on this, rather than the near non-existent other introduction.

    Let me first say this: giving us a summary, however briefly, was a very smart decision. I would have been completely lost in this if you hadn’t. I’m sure I’m not the only first time reader either, so it was useful for more people than one. With this complicated and intricate universe that you’ve created through these stories, I think that not having a summary would be a mistake.

    However, I feel that you could have given us a little bit more than what we actually got. Yes, the information you gave us was invaluable for your story, but I still felt a little lost. You gave us only excerpts from the previous sections of the story, which was cool, but it didn’t have as big of an effect as it could have. A straight on description of the universe would have made me a little less confused as I was reading it.

    We were introduced to some of your characters in this process, but I didn’t really have any introduction to the characters that your story focused on. Sure, the characters in the first chapter were introduced in the summary, which was why it was so much easier to follow than the others, but Sarah and Martin? I didn’t read about them before, so it seemed like they were thrust into the universe instead of slowly introduced. It made it harder to understand their personalities, their appearances, and many more things about them. Even if they were new characters that didn’t belong in the summary, we couldn’t have known, seeing as we didn’t get an introduction to them at all.

    Plot: This is definitely the part of your story that you excelled at. You’ve created an awesome universe that is loads of fun to read about. You didn’t only create this universe, you portrayed it well in your writing. While I was a little confused by the relatively short summary, I enjoyed reading the content of the story, and my confusion from the summary soon faded away into pure awe at the intensity of your story.

    You did a nice job describing the battle. From Sarah’s face practically melting off from the purple sludge, to the Thunder attack that the enemy summoned, to the Aura Sphere that Martin ended the battle with, I was able to visualize it in my mind the entire time, which is another success as an author. The battle didn’t seem to have too much description either; it had just the right amount of length, description, and plausibility for me to fully appreciate your story.

    My only complaint is this; the chapters seemed a bit broken. If I hadn’t known this previously, I would have assumed that each of these chapters were individual stories. The first (or rather, 6th) seems to take place in a pokemon-only universe, while the second chapter (rather 7th) seems to take place in a pokemon/human hybrid world, and the final chapter seems to take place in a pokemon/human coinciding world. A simple description of the universe would have helped me see the connections between them all; perhaps you could have included it in the summary.

    Climax: Going along with the praise that I’ve given you above, your climax was just as intense and amazing as the plot. The battle between the two villains and the three heroes was a very cool and creative battle that I enjoyed reading greatly.

    However, a major wrench in the climax, while it was both small and brief, was an apparent typo. The battle was interrupted when you accidentally typed ‘Michael’ instead of ‘Martin’.

    “Who sent you?” Martin asked the man on the floor. He groaned from the pain and then bursted out laughing. Michael grabbed the man’s collar and picked up with one hand.
    Since Michael is another important character, I was instantly confused, as I thought that Michael had either been there the entire time or had just recently appeared. I caught myself a few moments later, but it interrupted the entire mood and tone of the scene. The scene was derailed all because of a single typo. I’ll go more into depth with this topic under the ‘Grammar/Conventions’ area.

    I loved the way you ended on a cliff-hanger. It made me want to read more about this, which can be pretty hard to do. How does Michael react? Does he fight back? Who wins the fight? I found myself asking all of these questions to myself just because of the way you ended it. It definitely is going to make readers come back for more, which is an awesome thing for a writer to be able to do, especially for an ongoing story like yours.

    Grammar/Conventions: The easiest way to say this is the most simple: most of the time, you know what you’re doing. All around, you’re pretty good at this. A few more complicated mistakes here and there which take an experienced author to spot, but other than that, you did well.

    One of my only suggestions is to always proofread through your work. There are things that not even a word processor can find as errors for you. Tense errors, incorrect usage of homophones, and even some spelling mistakes often don’t show up with just spell-check. Because of this, your story had some mistakes that could have easily been avoided. I pointed one of them out under the ‘Climax’ section, but I’ll point out more, different flaws. But I’m pretty sure you’ll get the idea after just a few of them.

    Martin looked at the man and said, "Your coming with us. I assume that their is a drop off location for your next set of orders?"
    Here, we have some homophone errors; words that sound similar but have different meanings. They can be spotted when you comb through your story, but not so easily spotted when you simply spell check. The correct version is this:

    Martin looked at the man and said, "You’re coming with us. I assume that there is a drop off location for your next set of orders?"
    Another one that I spotted is this:

    Jake said, glancing over his should to see if anyone was watching.
    I’m assuming you’re intending to say shoulder, but you actually said ‘should’. Spellcheck won’t catch this mistake either; should is a word, but not the word that you wanted. A simple read-through would have caught your eye and corrected this.

    Lastly, there were some grammatical errors that you didn’t correct. I know you know how to do these things correctly, seeing as you got them correct at other points in the story, so this just shows that you made some mistakes and didn’t bother to find them and solve them. Again, for a story of this caliber, it’s not that big of a deal. However, it will make a bigger difference as you get into more complicated writing. I’ll point out a few of the things I spotted so you’ll know to fix them in the future.

    “Not so fast Michael,” said a mysterious voice. Michael turned around and noticed three men standing behind him.

    ...

    “Zero, the most deadly assassin in the world. It is my job to kill you, Michael Simpson,” replied Zero.
    There were only a few brief sentences between these two that I have selected, but you made a grammatical mistake in one and corrected it in the other. This tells me that you know what you should be doing, but you don’t go back and make sure that you are doing it. You placed a comma in the second sentence when you addressed the person, which is correct, but you didn’t in the first sentence. Like I’ve said before, if you had gone back through your work, your eye would have caught this mistake and you would have corrected it.

    Length: The minimum character requirement for both a Ralts and a Tentacool in the same story is 15,000 characters. You place just above it at about 15,600 characters. Whether this is the case or not, I kind of feel that, particularly with stories of this length or shorter, many people are only writing these stories so that they can obtain the desired pokemon, rather than writing these stories for the sake of writing them. There’s nothing really wrong with this, but I just think that it doesn’t really portray your dedication to your story, which I can already tell that you have.

    Going along with my points from above, some of what happened could have been extended more to give us more detail and a better viewpoint of the story. For example, we could have gotten an introduction to the two characters, Sarah and Martin, which would have made your story easier to visualize as well as adding in characters to show your dedication to your story. Even if it was something brief, like adding in a slightly longer description of the Titans, it would have added even more characters to your story.

    Results: Ralts and Tentacool are captured! While there were some confusing aspects of your story that made it hard for me to fully comprehend your story, the nice plot, awesome climax, and intense cliff-hanger greatly outweighed the bad parts. Even though Ralts and Tentacool weren’t the main focus of the story, the story was still a great read and you definitely deserve these two pokemon. Just remember to proofread next time and there won’t be a question. Enjoy your two new pokemon, and good luck to you in the SWC!

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •