Rescue those Elekid! (Ready for grading)

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  1. #1
    Gabite Evolved! Krookodile's Avatar
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    Lightbulb Rescue those Elekid! (Ready for grading)

    Please take into account that I am only ten years old.

    Pokemon I'm trying to get: Elekid
    Character count needed:5-10k
    Character count of story:6,067 (With spaces)

    I woke up to a strange tingling feeling. Something big was going to happen today. I pulled the covers off my bed and screamed. Jake had snuck a Spinarak into my bed! He ran in with his Shinx, who was laughing his head off. Jake was my older brother, but he acted like a five year old. He loved electric types, and if you saw us together, you’d say we weren’t related. He was blonde and was really scrawny. I had brown hair and spent my time lifting weights with my partner, Riolu.

    “Your reaction was priceless!” he laughed. “Anyways, mum wants us both out of the house. Kira and her Chimecho are waiting for us outside.” Jake was still snickering about the Spinarak, which was hiding under the bed. Kira was Sabrina’s daughter. She and her father had to move to Vermillion City when the Magnet train was built. We were really good friends with her, and everybody knew she had a crush on me, but she tried to hide it. We ran outside and greeted her.

    “Hi guys!” she said. We played for a bit, with Jake pranking me a couple of times and Luxio, Riolu and Chimecho chasing each other around. Eventually we got puffed out and laid down on a hill, when I heard a noise.

    “Can you hear that?” I asked Jake and Kira.

    “Nope.” said Jake lazily.

    “I can’t hear anything out of the ordinary.” Kira stated. I began to talk.

    “I’m sure I heard a Skarmor-“

    “Luke! Watch out!” Jake and Kira interrupted, but it was too late. A Skarmory grabbed me in its claws and muffled my voice. I tried to warn them but it came out as “Mmmf Gmf!” Two other Skarmory came from behind and grabbed Jake and Kira. Their grip tightened and we blacked out.

    I woke up in a temple. Kira asked me if I was OK. She told me that Jake had gone off to see what he could find. Jake walked back in a few minutes later.

    “I looked all around the place, but there wasn’t any neon sign flashing “EXIT”. Plus, the sun’s gone down so we won’t be getting any natural light.” Jake reported. Then they heard a noise and Kira traced it to the room next to them. They barged in and a man in a white robe greeted them.

    “Welcome, I am Ze Fyro. We have been… observing you for quite a long time.” The man remarked.

    “You’ve been spying on us?” I exclaimed.

    “Yes, you could put it that way. We have observed your… talents.” Ze Fyro commented. “We need you to help us defeat an enemy.”

    “What?” Jake started yelling. “You take us away from our families, you drop us in a temple and now you expect us to go and battle some person for you?” Kira’s Chimecho whacked him in the face. “Ow!” Jake said, but he stopped talking.

    “Maybe this will coax you, electric lover. We have footage of captured pokemon. They are electric, yes?” Ze Fyro said. He pressed a button on his desk and a TV appeared. Jake gasped. On the screen were a family of Elekid. There were about fifty, with a single Elekid trying to electric shock an off screen target that I thought must be the wicked and twisted person in charge of this horrible caper. Kira looked sad.

    “Who could do such a thing?” She exclaimed.

    “League of superior evil and rebellious, or, as we like to call them, L.O.S.E.R.” Ze Fyro exclaimed with disgust, smirking at the end like he came up with the joke, which he probably did. “And that is your mission, save those Elekid. But watch out, they have a Spiritomb at their disposal.

    “Spiritomb?” I said, looking to my brother for an answer.

    “Dark and Ghost. No weaknesses. Manifestation of 108 spirits.” Jake remarked. This was how he always gave me information, filter out basically everything and give me three incomplete sentences because he knew it annoyed me. “So, anyways, where’s this band of losers?” Jake snickered and Kira’s Chimecho rolled her eyes. I was pretty sure that it was meant to be a pun on the joke Ze Fyro made earlier, but he took it seriously.

    “The desert in Hoenn known as Route 111. They are being guarded by some Trapinch caught by Grunts.” He stated.

    “Just wait, Hoenn?” Jake asked.

    “Correct.”

    “And where are we now?”

    “Sinjoh Ruins.”

    “But that’s over a thousand miles away!” Jake exclaimed!

    “Don’t ask questions, electric lover. Just go!” Ze Fyro and the ruins faded and suddenly they were in a cave.

    “How did that happen?” I asked.

    “I have no idea.” Kira announced, confused and weirded out.

    “I believe we’re in the Desert Ruins” Jake remarked. “We should go south from here.” We headed south and found an army of Grunts, which Kira estimated to be 110, and a bald man in a suit with the letter “L” on his shirt that must have been the leader.

    “How are we going to get past all of them?” I exclaimed, and then the leader started talking.

    “Alright, get to work… NOW!” he yelled, and then they all seemed to do the same thing incredibly fast, except for two of them, which seemed to be going at a human like rate.

    “One hundred and ten minus two…” Then I remembered what Jake had said about Spiritomb. It was a manifestation of 108 spirits! “Guys, those aren’t workers,” I whispered, “That’s a Spiritomb!”

    They seemed skeptical at first, but then Luxio accidentally set off its sparks and hit one of the workers and they started morphing together until they became a purple glowing matter.
    “SpiRITomB” it had a hundred different voices and kept on switching them around when it spoke.

    “I’ll handle this one guys, psychic is weak to dark and fighting is bad against ghost.” Jake said.

    “That is true…” Kira’s voice trailed off and Jake stood up. He ran out into the open and challenged the leader to a battle.
    Luxio started with a barrage of tackles which barely did anything to Spiritomb. Then it grabbed Luxio with ghastly hands and spun it around. Then Luxio shocked Spiritomb, making it paralyzed and unable to move. Discharge after Discharge came next, and finally, Spiritomb fainted.

    “Oh no!” the leader said, then fled with the two grunts and the Trapinch. The Elekid were free! The one that had been trying to escape ran over to Jake. It was obviously pleased with how he battled. Then Jake asked the inevitable question.

    “Will you come on a journey with me?”
    Last edited by Krookodile; 28th December 2010 at 03:36 AM.

  2. #2
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rescue those Elekid! (Ready for grading)

    Claimed. Cause backlog is teh sux.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rescue those Elekid! (Ready for grading)

    Intro: Not too shabby, kid. Spinarak in the blankets. Classic. It also does a good job of introducing the reader to your characters. Jake is a prankster. That's apparent. Maybe his brother has arachnophobia. It makes your characters realistic and interesting. Also:

    I woke up to a strange tingling feeling. Something big was going to happen today.
    Nice start. Get the reader excited for the story. Not too much to criticize. Some background info about their house and family would've been nice, but this is for a simple Pokemon, so I can't expect too much from you.

    Plot: Your plot is pretty good for a younger writer. If only this had been a longer story. T.T A magical dude that can teleport people anywhere and has access to a highly trained Skarmory is an AWESOME character...and in all likelihood, we'll never hear more about him. I'm not trying to tell you to keep your plots simple, just....not so many loose threads. Also, your story jumps around a lot and the scene changes aren't super smooth, though they could be worse. On the brighter side, it IS an intriguing plot: Kids get kidnapped by a Skarmory, weird magical guy wants them to save a family of Elekid from an evil organization, the evil organization uses a Spiritomb as an ENTIRE ARMY. That's a win idea. Make an entire story about THAT. Anyways, it also seems like you rushed it through at the end and there wasn't a bunch of plot resolution. Oh well. Hopefully, you'll do better next time.

    Dialogue: Your dialogue isn't too good or too bad. You had a few problems with dialogue tags, which I pointed out below, but other than that you were fine.

    Grammar:

    I woke up to a strange tingling feeling
    .

    Needs more commas.

    I woke up to a strange, tingling feeling.
    “Your reaction was priceless!” he laughed.
    You can't laugh dialogue, so your dialogue tag should be changed so that 'he' is capitalized.

    We played for a bit, with Jake pranking me a couple of times and Luxio, Riolu and Chimecho chasing each other around.
    A comma is needed after 'Riolu'.

    “Nope.” said Jake lazily.

    “I can’t hear anything out of the ordinary.” Kira stated. I began to talk
    Here, you need to change the periods at the end of the dialogue to commas, for the dialogue tags. You had this problem in a few other places, so you might want to pay attention to this.

    Detail: You described Jake and Luke, but other than that, your description was....sparse. Now that there are well over 500 Pokemon, it's good to have descriptions for each of them, since some people might have a hard time remembering what each one looks like. Also, a bit more description of your other characters would be nice. DESCRIPTION OF THEIR SURROUNDINGS WOULD BE AMAZING. Tell me how the hot, sandy desert air made them feel like the water was being sucked out of their lungs. Or how Luke felt the icy cold, steel grip of the Skarmory. Really, anything would be nice.

    Length: You needed 5k and you have about 6k, so you're fine.

    Reality: The only thing that struck me as incorrect in this story was:

    Luxio started with a barrage of tackles which barely did anything to Spiritomb.
    Normal moves don't affect Ghost Pokemon....

    *facepalm*

    Other than that, you were fine.

    Personal Feelings: Your story had an interesting plot and you show that you're capable of some pretty creative story ideas. I think this story is the base of a loooong writing career for you. It's still a beginner's story, but it's got potential. To be honest, I'm a little on the edge about whether or not to give you this Elekid, but I think I HAVE made up my mind finally.

    Outcome: Elekid.....captured.

    DON'T LET ME DOWN. Also:

    Maybe this will coax you, electric lover.
    Permission to use that as a pickup line?

    Enjoy your new Elekid, by the way:

    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  4. #4
    Gabite Evolved! Krookodile's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rescue those Elekid! (Ready for grading)

    Permission to use that as a pickup line?
    Granted.

    Thanks for the grade!

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