Remoraiding the Lake

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Thread: Remoraiding the Lake

  1. #1
    Registered User derian's Avatar
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    Jul 2009
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    Post Remoraiding the Lake

    Mon to capture: Remoraid
    Length: 10209 (yeah, I write just enough. sue me.)

    Flying through the air like a wave of color they leaped, out of the water and then back into the depths they crashed. A dazzling rainbow of fish shined out across the pool. Almost immediately following with a luminescent splendor rose up a wave of Finneon, almost putting the Staryu to shame. They hovered there a moment, seemingly suspended in midair, though they moved very slowly. Slipping back into the water with such elegance, with hardly a splash. A cheer erupted from the crowd, and they begged and pleaded for more. More they would get, and the best was still yet to come. Out of the clear water emerged a leviathan of beauty, a diamond amongst the water. Milotic raised up its serpentine neck and bellowed out a beautiful tune, that would put the sirens of myth to shame. All but the majestic creature seemed to go silent, and the audience was entranced by its stunning song. It dove back under, and the finale was about to begin.

    At one end of the pool, a dozen or more Staryu burst out of the water, and spun in midair, several feet above the water. They remained there for a few moments, seemingly defying gravity. Suddenly at the opposite end of the pool, a Remoraid shot out of the water, and at an immense speed propelled water at the starfish Pokémon, taking them all down crashing into the water in a matter of seconds, before falling back in itself. The audience let off a roar of cheers and applause. The show was over, and they were content.

    He awoke suddenly and uncomfortably. That same dream again... it tormented him so, like a carrot dangled only feet in front of a Ponyta and yet out of reach. He had heard of the ones that walk on land coming to his lake and taking those of his kind and others like him, but he had yet to see it himself. Perhaps if they did, maybe he could live out his dream. But what was it? It was so strange. Why were the ones that walk on land seemingly so entertained by the strange antics of his fish kin? All he knew is he wanted to inspire that reaction out of others, and he knew this would not come from living where he was. The lake he was in was small; though it provided all of his needs it left little room for exploring. It sat detached from the rest, lacking any means for him to escape. He would not survive on land long enough to seek out another home, and he doubted if he could even move about on land. So he was stuck, and he waited and hoped for the day someone would come and take him away from this place. It wasn't all bad though, there were plenty of others of his kind. Dull gray, like himself, and dull in personality. And the Magikarp, of course. They were even less interesting, and seemed to have an affinity for flopping around. He'd even seen one hop onto land one time, but that didn't end well. Magical they were not! Red bodies with golden fins atop and below their oval body, a constant blank expression on their faces. And who could forget the Poliwag! Their relatives the Poliwhirl as well, which seemed to remind him of those who walked on land. They had legs and arms, and hands resembling white boxing gloves. Not that he had any idea what a boxing glove was. A white swirling pattern encompassed the bulk of their breast, though the rest of their blubbery skin was blue. The lesser Poliwag were largely the same in appearance, though smaller and lacking arms. As well, they had a large fin-like tail that the larger Poliwhirl lacked. None of them seemed in the least bit interested in making the most of what they had, either. So he did what he could; ate what he could find, and tried to keep in as high spirits as possible. The Poliwag were pretty cheery as well, though they wouldn't let him join in on their fun. In fact, the different fish mostly stayed with their own kind. He was stuck with his fellow Remoraid, and even though they were known for swimming in large groups, was largely left to his own devices.

    He wasn't quite an outcast, but they weren't throwing him any parties any time soon. But that was how he liked it, he secretly hated the lot. Mostly because they reminded him of the futility of his existance. He wanted to see more! To get out there, in front of an audience of the ones who walk on land, and entertain. He'd often practice, just in the chance he would ever see the outside of the lake. Late at night he'd swim up to the land and practice shooting bursts of water at the trees, or as he knew them the tall brown things. He was decent, not an expert by any means. But he was getting better: one time he even hit a tall brown thing so hard, several flat green things fell down from the sky and landed on the ground. He stopped doing this for a while, afraid he may be hurting the tall brown thing. He soon noticed that there were already a large number of the flat green things on the ground however, and attributed their falling to be a natural occurence.

    Something felt different today, a mood on the air, like a smell that feels familiar that can't quite be placed. It was not unlike the feeling the air gets before a large storm, but it was different somehow. He ran into a group of his kind, and inquired about their thoughts on the feeling. Much to his surprise, they didn't even noticed. Even when he described the feeling as best he could, they didn't even seem to be aware that anything did feel different. Perhaps it was just him, and only a feeling. Nonetheless, something felt off about the day. He kept his distance more so than usual, not feeling much in the mood for conversation. He was also a little suspicious of them, not noticing what he noticed. He wasn't the sort for paranoia, but it all stunk of a plot against him. Whenever he'd mention it, they'd all address it as though he was crazy. No matter, he didn't dwell on this thought too much, only so far as to keep a safe distance. If they were plotting something, they didn't seem to be. They hardly showed any interest in him, as was the norm. He went about his daily activities like normal; swimming around, searching for food, more swimming around, and resting. The day passed largely uneventfully, until around early evening.

    He was swimming about near land, when he heard a rustling sound in the short pointy green things on land. There was a tall figure walking through the grass, carrying a long stick of some sort and a strange rectangular object that the creature began to be holding by a handle. It was one of the wants that walked on land! Well, obviously as it was very clearly walking on land. This one wasn't like the ones he normally saw though, some would walk on four legs and others on two, though most were much closer to the ground. No, this one was taller, and reminded him greatly of those he saw in his dream. He floated there quietly, no more than a couple feet below the surface and watched. The tall one who walked on land apeared to be doing something odd, retrieving a thin long thing he could barely even see from the rectangular object and putting it through a small hole on the long stick. If this wasn't unusual enough, he took out a small round object from his rectangular device. It had two sides, one was red like the Magikarp while the other was white. In the middle it had a small white circle where the two sides met, and it appeared to be a button of some sort. He had no idea what a button was or could possibly be, however. The tall land walker took the round object and somehow attached it to the thing thing on the tall stick. Setting the rectangular device down, the tall land walker flung the stick back behind him causing the round object to loosen and distance itself from the tall stick, and with a sharp motion he thrust the stick forward, and the round object went with it. It moved too fast for him to follow the movement of the round object, but he heard a plop of it landing in the water nearby. It was easy to find, and he approached it slowly. It was a curious thing, even stranger to behold close up. It appeared to be by itself, slowly descending into the water with no visible sign of the thin thing it had been attached to. He figured it may still be there, but if it was it was impossible to see in the water. He got up next to it, and waited to see if it would do anything. It didn't, and he figured it must be harmless. He prodded it with his nose, and with a flash of light he was gone.

    There was little sound for a while, but he could almost feel himself being lifted out of the water. He wondered if he would be able to breathe, but he could. Actually now that he thought about it, he didn't appear to need to breathe. In fact, he couldn't see, breathe or hear. Or if he could hear, there were no sounds to be found. Was he dead? Perhaps the light was the light of oblivion. Maybe the tall land walker had been the ones his kin speak of, that would show up when your time had come. Perhaps he had been dead all day, and the odd feeling he had was because of that. His interactions with the others, were they only illusions? If this was the afterlife, it sure sucked. As if life wasn't bad enough already! A whole lot of nothing, leading to even more nothing. He must still be alive, he felt alive enough after all. What was that? A sound? It sounded almost like a conversation, though he couldn't make out the words. It was in some strange language, totally unlike what he was familiar with. The only way he even guessed that it was language was that it appeared to be an exchange of ideas between two individuals, with ranging intonation and expressions apart from the vocabulary itself.

    "Yeah, I got me another Remoraid. This one seems a might shrimpier than the last one, but he'll do."

    "I dunno how you keep managing to find them! All I see in this damnable lake is Magikarp. Well, and the occasional Poliwag. But they a'int no good unless you need someone to help you move!"

    "Well don't that be the damn truth. I've caught so many of those useless things by mistake, only to send 'em back. You've just gotta know when to come out, and how to nab 'em."

    "Well, that'd be why you're the best 'round here Edgar."

    Challenge the Snowpoint Gym and get iced!

  2. #2
    YOLO Fossil Fusion's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009

    Default Re: Remoraiding the Lake

    Plot: Right, this was very different to your usual, average story. I liked reading the different perspective from something else. This is because it makes it more interesting for the reader and they can feel like a Remoraid for the day. But nonetheless good work here, I think this a strong area for you and I cannot really say how to improve your plot tbh. However, you could always look into places such as "Does Remoraid have any friends?" Because I remember once in the anime Remoraid seem to go around in packs and help each other not to be captured. That could be just an idea to throw out their, but fine as it is.

    Detail: Your detail was fine for this kind of story. I would have liked to see some more depth if it was a more difficult Pokemon target. For example, you could expand on the atmosphere more or introduce more battles. Who knows what you might do because it's your story. The detail, like I said is fine as it for this kind of story. So good job!

    Grammar: Your grammar was fine. The reading style was in a different perspective and your stuck to it. Therefore, a good thing so well done. Just a few things I noticed as I read through. For example:

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    He was swimming about near land, when he heard a rustling sound in the short pointy, green things on land.
    Be careful because most of your double adjectives needed a comma inbetween them of some sort. I used to do this all the time in my stories. However, it's no big whoop.

    Spelling Errors:
    Existence -> Existance.
    Occurence -> Occurrence
    Apeared -> Appeared

    I am not sure if that's a different country's spellings, but I thought I would point it out. If they are... ignore this little section.

    Also. Words like "Didn't" and "He'd" look better if they were split into their seperate words. I used to always get told off for things like this in my Business classes! ._.' But not too much of a big deal. It's fine in dialogue though. Also some words could of been made different but it was a small number so do not worry about it. I know you worked hard on this story.

    Length: Eh you reached the minimum and I would of suggested nearer the center point. However, I do not really worry about this much. So YES I WILL SUE YOU FOR YOUR MONEY!

    Last edited by Fossil Fusion; 16th June 2011 at 03:17 AM.
    WinterVines 3:53 pm
    im sorry women are difficult
    i understand why some should stay in the kitchen


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