Rehabilitation (Ready for grading)
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Thread: Rehabilitation (Ready for grading)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Black City

    Default Rehabilitation (Ready for grading)

    You have been brought for consideration. The faults society sees in you will be your greatest asset. Society views you as a outcast while we view you as a elite and take pride in your abilities. Go forth and complete your required initiation. Only then will you be viewed as a full fledged member. You have three days. Begone.
    Psychological Ward: Aeolus 7/29/2012 09:21 A.M.
    Medical Log:Dante

    Patient shows a severe case of dementia along with PTSD from an incident long ago. This is the most advanced case in years. He claims to see his victim, John Veritas Age twenty, approaching him with a knife. We have conducted multiple studies and confirmed the prognosis. His mind is slowly succumbing to the hallucinations and will soon either become critically insane or will revert into the stage of a vegetable, of which reversal will not be possible. We will attempt to try a new shock therapy for him this morning. We, the parents and myself included, pray this does not accelerate the dementia.-

    "I see him! He's standing right there!!" yelled the teenager. They had blindfolded him to ease the tension of what inevitably would happen next.

    Nineteen year old Dante was strapped by leather straps to a medical table, struggling in fear as the black blindfold obscured his vision. A light was shone over him as three scientist approached him wearing stark white laboratory coat. As he continued to struggle, one scientist began to apply a wire to his bare chest. The young adult struggled until the doctors started. The shocks came in slow intervals until they decided to increase the voltage in small increments.

    He screamed and writhed in pain as the volts of electricity flooded his nervous system. He couldn't take the pain and eventually fell unconscious. They stopped the procedure as the parents looked at the boy in horror, wondering what was wrong with him. Was he...dead? The lead doctor instructed the others to cart he boy back to his quarters as he left the room. Walking out into the parents, who were still staring through the glass, he attempted to console them.

    “We are trying the best we can. He'll turn around with a few more shock therapy sessions." he said as reassuring as possible.

    “Will he be alright? Will the shocks damage his body at all?" the mother said as she clutched her husbands arm. The husband is speechless at the sight of his beloved son being submitted such torture.

    “The shocks are transfered into the cerebal cortex and possibly no extensive mental damage."

    “Possibly?" the wife said with a slight anger to her voice.

    “This treatment is fairly new but it is the most effective way to treat this type of dementia. We have exhausted all forms of treatment and nothing stopped or even weaken it."

    “Do what whatever it takes. We just want our son back!" the father demanded.

    “I will do everything in my power to."

    The room was stark white. Padded to prevent any type of ‘Accidents' from occurring. Each member shared a room to help with easing the pain between patients. Friendship is its own type of healing but it cannot heal spite. Dante wasn't muscular but he could hold his own in a fight. His skin was a dark mocha brown and rough like Sharpedo skin, minus the Rough Skin ability. His eyes were black. Always black unless a bright light was shone upon them, then they turn a light brown. His black hair was always cut short. Standing at six foot even, he was a normal looking teenager.

    He shared the room with a man only a few years older than him. He had long shaggy white hair and a very skinny body. His eyes were those of a serial killer yet he never spoke once. That was something to worry about. Never once had he spoken to Dante. The two doctors carted Dante into the room and left him strapped to the cart. They decided that it would best for him to stay and recuperate.

    All rooms were 10X10, almost like a jail cell.The toilet and sink were made of plastic to prevent the suicidal inmates from breaking off pieces and stabbing others in the eyes.The floors and beds was made of memory foam to help ensure tranquility between inmates. They always believed fluffy made everything better. Dante groaned as he was slowly coming to. He still couldn't see due to the blind fold.

    "They.. take you submit you their..testings. Then they..try to make it..seem alright." he said between raspy breaths. It was obviously something mentally and physically wrong with him.

    He stood up and slowly limped towards the cart. Dante could hear the soft patter of his feet approaching was nerve wracking. His breathing raggedly as he heard an unsheathing noise. The sound of a knife. Dante panicked in fear as he was expecting the worse. A few seconds passed by as he felt the cutting of his restraints. Soon his blind fold was pulled off and he squinted his eyes as the bright fluorescent light beamed down on him. After leaning up to look around, he rubbed his head and turned to the man who was holding a black bread knife. The blade was midnight black and approximately 6 inches long.

    "Now come with me. These fools do not know how to treat patients and cure diseases. This facility are only a corporate scheme by the government to keep us from showing our true potential as citizens! THEY FEAR OUR POWER!"

    The man moved his cot to the side and revealed tunnel big enough to crawl in. The man flipped the knife and held it by the blade before handing it hilt first to him. Dante stared at the weapon as if it was illegal. Sharp objects were forbidden by the Head Doctor. Sharp objects caused strife and the leading cause of problems in society. That was just one tidbit of information that they were fed everyday to help make them full functioning members of society.

    "B-but the Doctor said that sharp objects were the bane of societies well placed infrastructure."

    "The Doctor?! The Doctor is dead, AND I HOLD THE KNIFE" the man responded as sirens began to blare loudly. Soon assistants began rushing left and right as they tried to make head or tails of what was going on. Dante glared out the small rectangular window at the mass panic ensuing, something about a death.

    "Come with me if you wish to live. I will provide you with help, warmth, and a home that will raise you like family." he said as his words flowed like a calming river.

    Something moved Dante. His hatred was building. For this facility, for his parents placing him her, and for society deeming him unfit for a normal life. The man turned his head and smirked. All Dante was to him was another soldier under his control. But what could he do? That was the main question.

    "I-I accept." he said crawling into the hole after him.

    Like a moth to the flame, the words of the man drew Dante closer and closer.

    Dante pulled the bed back over the hole and followed the man who crawled before him. Thoughts swirled in his head about where he would live, what he would eat, who would protect him? All of these questions were coming at him faster than a Infernape with a Mach Punch. He felt the need to question him but for now he would see where the man is going. All he prayed for was no more hallucinations. Oddly, the man had not spoken in the several minutes they traveled that long mile. The man stopped and pushed a circular portion of the ceiling up, revealing broad daylight and fresh air. The man climbed out and extended his hand to help him.

    "I am Dominic. I will lead you into a brighter tomorrow starting from today." he said, bright and cheerful.

    Dante hesitated and grabbed his wrist and was pulled from the hole and into the bright sunlight. Fresh are and warmth was all just a foreign commodity to him since he was cooped up in his room for hours on end, only leaving to be submitted to periodic shock therapy treatments but never for fresh air. This was so foreign to him that he staggered from the new feeling, only able to slowly adjust his body to the new surroundings. He leaned against a tree and stared into the azure blue sky. Such a marvel only Arceus could create. The two trekked in the forest for an hour, only stopping every so often so Dante can get adjusted.

    "H-how much farther do we need to go?" he said, catching glimpses of John, coming closer to him and brandishing a knife.

    He got closer, saying that he had destroyed lives, and a family, and that he would kill him to get his revenge. Dante began to panic. He broke out into a cold sweat, then his heart rate quickened, followed by a spike in blood pressure. He dropped to the ground into a fetal position as he rocked back and forth. Dominic turned around and walked back, picked him up by the shoulders and smacked the shit out of him.

    "Get yourself together lad! We only have a bit more to go!" he said as he hefted him over his shoulder and proceeded to walk.

    For a crazy, old bastard, he was surprising strong. For three miles he walked and sang old Celtic warrior songs. Once Dante's hallucinations died down, Dominic set him down in front of an worn down mansion, hidden deep with in the forest. Dante squinted from the sun peaking through the leaves of the trees and gazed upon the splendor of the decrepit home. Dominic walked up to the gate took two steps to the left, four to the right and one back. After scraping the ground, he revealed a key with which he proceeded to open the gate.

    Once inside the gate, the walked towards the front door. The grass in the front lawn had not been cut in years and rustling was heard from it. No doubt wild Pokemon stirred from the metal creaking of the gate. Once at the door, Dominic proceeded with a rhythmic knock and the door slowly opened.

    Inside was still rundown but had more of a home feel to it. Cobwebs were placed around the rooms, some occasional sparking. Even the slightest sight of electricity scared Dante. As they reached the back room, he pulled a book from a bookcase and it miraculously slid to the side to reveal a hidden passage way. They began to walk down the spiral staircase and with torches that lit the tight staircase as it was a very steep walk.

    It filed out into a wine cellar where there was a group of people sitting around a table, conversing about matters and such. He cleared his throat and they all stood in an instant then bowed low.

    “Hail Saint Dominic, catalyst of the savior!" they all chimed in as he approached the table.

    “Hail my brethren! Today I bring you a new acolyte; one who is troubled in need of assistance. He is the one I rescued from that accursed asylum. I bring you Brother Dante."

    They all stared at the boy, wondering what was so special about him. Was he strong? Was he a genius? Could he take on a Pokemon with his bare hands? They all surrounded him and examine him over. This perturbed him quite a bit. He was called ‘Brother' by Dominic but what did that mean? He sighed and turned to the people.

    “Umm h-hello?" he said softly, never one to be observed.

    “Dante is here to seek healing and that is what we will provide. Then he will join our sacred brotherhood," said Dominic.

    “Brotherhood..wait you are a cult!!"

    They all stopped and began to laugh in an uproar. Two members held their sides while the others leaned against the wall for support. Even Dominic laughed a bit.

    “My boy we are no ‘cult'. We are what society has thrown away and labeled unfit to be among the so called sane. We are just followers of the light and scholars of the darkness."

    Dante looked at him confused. What was their main goals? He kept on listening to find out more, but he said he could cure him. If Dominic can do what he said then he would care less if he was a part of this cult. He sighed and nodded.

    "Okay Saint Dominic. Please help heal my sickness and make me useful."

    Those were the words Dominic wished to hear. He lead Dante to a room on the opposite end of the cellar. It was a thin door but when opened, it was a room the size of an auditorium. He was pushed in as the door slammed behind him.

    "If you wish to learn to beat your fear then you must do it head on!"

    Dante could barely see his hand in front of his face let alone John. That would make him even more dangerous. John could slit his throat at anytime or worse! Dante immediately dropped to the dirt floor and curled up in a corner. He couldn't take the anticipation. It was overwhelming. Suddenly he felt a poke against his thigh and yelped. Leaning back, he looked down and examined a small hole in the untouched earth. Something was in the room with him and it was close.

    "H-hello? Who’s there?" he said as he backed closer into the corner.

    Feeling a little tap on his shoulder, his back instantly hit the wall. A tiny grey Pokemon with a long, thin tail. It tapped its shoulder and bounded up and down.

    "Mina! Minccino!" it chimed in a happy voice.

    "Wh-what are you?"

    The Minccino smiled and hoped up once as it scratched the wall, only to hit concrete. They were in a cell and they were not getting out. Dante crouched as the Minccino frantically scratched the concrete, hoping to break away somehow but its weak claws could barely scratch the surface. Smiling, Dante stopped the Minccino and shook his head.

    "I'm here on my own free will. I can't have temptation get to me."

    The Minccino looked back and nodded, wondering who he was and why he was in here. The Minccino was just digging around until it reached a hard surface. It kept digging until it reached this cellar. The floor was dirt but the walls were concrete. It was troubling to it but once it saw Dante rest against the wall, it decided to follow suit and relax. They both had no form of sustenance or any clean water to drink. It was going to be hell.

    By day four, the north and south corners were filthy with indescribable waste. The smell was overwhelming as the two trudged to the corner in the west. They had to find and skin whatever scurrying Pokemon crossed their path. By day six, there was multiple Rattata bones scattered around him and tufts of purple fur hung from their mouths. A Pokemon eating a Pokemon was normal, but a human? Oddly, it tasted like chicken. Weakly turning his head to the Minccino, voice rasping, he muttered.

    "N-not sure how much longer I can do this. I already drank enough Rattata blood to turn me into a Crobat."

    "Min. Minccino." it said as it waved its paw weakly in the air.

    He snickered a bit and smiled. These two had bonded under the most strangest of circumstances, a meeting of fate. It seemed like they were going to die but it was worth it. Meeting a friend was all he really wanted, with his sickness it could never be done. Now he had one, and was going to die with him. Couldn’t really complain though.

    Suddenly footsteps were heard, but him and Minccino the only ones in the room. He looked towards the darkness as Minccino jumped up and started chattering. Soon a man wearing a white suit and black sunglasses stepped closer and closer as he held a knife between his index and forefinger. His movements were sporadic, weaving back and forth until he was only a few meters away.

    "I told you I'd come back. I told you I'd return to kill you!" he cackled in maniac type way.

    "N-no! S-stay back!" he shrieked as the man got closer.
    The Minccino weakly stood in front of Dante and snarled at the man. The chinchilla raised its claws in a defensive stance. The man chuckled, almost as if he was in a trance. Smiling, his movements got faster and the hilt was now in his hand. He raised above his head while Dante saw Minccino attack the man using its sharp teeth to pierce through the man’s left leg. He screamed in agony as he brought the knife down into the Minccinos back. Dante yelled as he tackled the man, digging his shoulder into the man’s sternum. He fell backwards, attempting the catch his breath and trying to tend to his wound while the Minccino whimpered sadly. Dante crouched by him and began to cry softly.

    “Wh-why did you do that. You put yourself in danger to save me.”

    “Minccino,” it replied as the clenched and popped the knife out.

    Dante took the knife and held his friend close, realizing just exactly what he had in his life. A friend. He gripped the handle tightly and trudged towards the man.

    “You took my sanity. You took my freedom but you will not take my friend! I ran from you for five year but I’m done. And you are too!” he said as he raised the knife above his head and brought it down on the man’s face.

    Dante didn’t stop. He couldn’t help himself. He had stabbed the face so many times it became unrecognizable. After the fifteenth stab he stopped, panting and blood spattered all over his person. It felt good though. Risking yourself for another, that’s a true friend. He turned to Minccino and smiled. The Minccino smiled and nodded, understanding what he had to do.

    “Let them out now. He is cured.”

    Dominic sat in a lavish office, one a business attorney would use. He drummed his fingers on his desk, one arm propping his face up. In front of him was a hog tied man, whimpering in fear as two other men held rapiers, both tips at his neck. Dominic smiled his toothy smile and stood up. Putting his arms behind his back, he turned to the window and spoke.

    “You think stealing from the brotherhood is acceptable? Well it seems your brother has suffered a bit of an…accident.” he said as he turned his computer monitor around and revealed a bloody corpse in the guise of his younger brother.

    “It’s quite easy to control a person once Hypno gets enough control. His fate was pleasant actually. Yours? Not so much. But hey, you’ll see your brother. REAL soon.”

    The man was gagged but that didn’t stop him from screaming. The men tilted the hilts ever so slightly and yanked their sword arms back. The air was stained with blood.

    “Get a pokemon with Sweet Scent in here. Does the job right up.” he said cheerfully, as if he had done this before.

    As he left the room, he was beaming. This boy had actually conquered his fears through sheer nothing. That wasn’t even John yet he went to kill him anyway. This is going to be a prodigious young man..with some training. He walked into another room, one with medical equipment and gurneys. Dante was hooked up to an IV while Minccino was getting stitched up right next to him. He groaned a bit and babbled but that was from the dehydration. Dominic smiled and patted the boys hand.

    “You did well. Now you will be trained in our ways. Ways that will grant you amazing abilities and show you are not an outcast. Training will begin soon so get to it.” he said as he turned to walk away.

    Dante nodded but then leaned up, groaning from the strain on his body. He looked at Dominic with frantic eyes, wondering what would become of his friend.

    “Sir! What becomes of Min-I mean, my friend?”

    “Your friend?”

    Dominic stopped and thought for a second. Having a pokemon that can drill would make things go smother in his operation and especially when it evolves. He pondered this more and turned to him, decision made.
    Last edited by MaverickKaiser; 12th March 2011 at 04:04 PM.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Rehabilitation (Ready for grading)

    AIM: ZapPika

  3. #3

    Default Re: Rehabilitation (Ready for grading)

    The grade looked much longer on Word. o_o

    Introduction: I thought that this was very good. You successfully lured me in with it, and I was enjoying it. I like that you started the story out with some interesting events; it’s good to draw the reader in. You explained what was going on and described Dante, which is also great. There’s nothing that I can really say about this besides that it’s great. Good job.

    Plot: Dante is a 19 year old boy with severe dementia, which causes him to become hospitalized. He is put into rehab, but is convinced by another man, Dominic, to follow him to freedom. The other man seems to be in a group with other crazy people. He locks Dante into a dark room to conquer his hallucinations, where he finds a Minccino. They survive on the Pokemon they find for a week before the man who Dante “hallucinated” attack. Minccino and Dante kill him before they are saved by Dominic.

    This plot was pretty creative, but the story took a turn for the confusing near the middle.

    Dante could barely see his hand in front of his face let alone John. That would make him even more dangerous. John could slit his throat at anytime or worse!
    When I read this, I was utterly confused. I had to go back a bit to remember that John was the man that Dante hallucinated. This isn’t good; you should have mentioned that John was the man that Dante hallucinated. You only stated his name once in the beginning, so you can’t expect every reader to remember it. Another thing is this:

    "The Doctor?! The Doctor is dead, AND I HOLD THE KNIFE"
    When did this happen? Dialogue shouldn’t be the thing that tells the reader events like this. To keep the reader caught up, and to overall make the story more interesting (the story is interesting, though. [x), you could have showed the reader how the doctor died. I personally would have loved it if you added things like this to your story.

    Lastly, I’m very confused on the whole cult thing. What is the purpose of this group of people? What do they believe in? You give no background whatsoever to this “brotherhood”. All we know is that they all had a mental problem and that Dominic seems to be the leader.

    Anyway, the plot itself was pretty interesting, and I liked it. Just keep these things in mind and you’ll be all good.

    Grammar/Spelling: This needs a lot of work. There were plenty of typos that I caught, so I suggest that from now on that you use a spell check. Even reading over it twice could improve your typo problem as well. Now onto the continuing errors: You had a bit of a problem near the beginning with your sentence flow.

    The room was stark white. Padded to prevent any type of ‘Accidents' from occurring. Each member shared a room to help with easing the pain between patients. Friendship is its own type of healing but it cannot heal spite.
    This was that. This was that but that was this. That was this. You have a bunch of small sentences after another. Instead, you could combine these sentences together to make everything flow.

    The room was stark white and was padded to prevent any types of “accidents” from occurring. Each member shared a room to help with easing the pain between patients, because friendship is its own type of healing. However, it cannot heal spite.
    Meh, maybe I didn’t choose the best example..

    Anyway; you have another problem with your commas. You seem to have some trouble with sentence structure.

    He got closer, saying that he had destroyed lives, and a family, and that he would kill him to get his revenge.
    There doesn’t need to be a comma after lives, and the comma after family should be changed to a period. If you’re using ‘and’ more than once, then it’s a run-on sentence. Keep this in mind.

    There were more minor issues, but a spell check and a grammar check could solve it easily. Your main issue here is typos, so make sure to read your story over to catch these.

    Length: The recommended length for a Minccino, which is a Medium category Pokemon, is 10 – 20K characters. The length of your story was about 19,000 characters, so good job on that.

    Detail/Description: The story was, overall, pretty well described. You managed to describe the setting of the events in the story, and I got a mental picture of the characters in the story. Though this isn’t TOO much of a problem for you, you could use different words to describe things. Don’t just use the same dull words over and over There’s not much else I could say here, so good job.

    Battle: There wasn’t a Pokemon battle in the story, which isn’t bad unless the story itself isn’t good enough. There was a part in the story where Minccino saves Dante from being killed by John, and it was well written. I like that Dante and Minccino gain a friendship rather than Dante just wanting to capture it, which is the usual for stories at this level. So yeah, that’s all there is.

    Outcome: Despite the massive amount of typos, the story was very good for a Medium category story. Minccino was captured! Have fun with the thing. C:
    AIM: ZapPika


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