Thread: Refusal (Ready for Grading!)

Alright, here we go.
Pokemon wanted: Ralts
Category: Medium
Characters: 17519
Chapter One

Drake frantically ran in the freshly fallen snow. As he ran, he would quickly jerk his head back, to see if there was anyone following him, or even if there were a new pair of footsteps in the cold powder. Every time he looked back, however, he only saw the newly carved footprints of his shoes, pounding on the ground. He was starting to get cold, for when he had started to run, he did not bother to put on his jacket. Of course, he wouldn't have had the time to, anyway.
Drake was about fifteen, and had started his journey about three years ago. He usually wears a black muscle shirt and gray, baggy army pants. He had slightly tanned skin, which he had gotten from his home in the dense jungle. He wore the glasses, imported to him from the city a long time ago, to his father. They were given to Drake, for he had poor vision. He also had dark brown, almost black hair. It was a little short, but that didn't bother Drake.
Drake has nine Pokemon, and one of them is the reason he was running. His first Pokemon was a Buizel, which was a gift to him. He later caught an Ekans, which was now an Arbok. His primary Pokemon was his Infernape, which he had bought from a black market. And then there was Honchkrow. Honchkrow wasn't originally Drake's Pokemon. Instead, it was that of another trainer. You see, this "other" trainer wasn't very fond of his earlier trade with Drake. Here is the story.....

"Ugh...Come ON...Almost there...." panted Drake as he climbed an extremely steep hill. It was in the middle of winter, and the coldness of the harsh weather didn't make the climb easier. Drake was on his way to another trainer's mansion, on an invitation to a trade. A trade for Drake's Vigoroth, to be more exact. Drake was not very fond of Vigoroth, since it would only eat and sleep, unlike the rest of its species. It was very clear that it didn't change its Slakoth way of life when it evolved. Vigoroth was ecstatic to belong to a new trainer, instead of its current, seemingly boring trainer.

"Yup, Vigoroth, I can't WAIT to get rid of you," thought Drake happily. "This climb is going to be worth it."

And, as though Vigoroth had heard from its ball, it had thought the same thing. "I bet this new trainer is gonna bathe me in all the sweet things in life!" Drake felt its Poke-ball bounce up and down on his belt.

Drake continued to climb the snowy hill, carrying his heavy backpack on his swollen back. He thought that he should have packed lighter when leaving Corona Town.

At last, Drake saw the giant mansion at the top of the hated hill. It was really tall, perhaps four stories. It had a long, golden fence surrounding it. The sunlight gleamed off the building, going directly in his eyes. He winced at the humongous mansion in front of him, thinking what kind of trainer who lived here. Would he be a snot-nosed brat who got everything he wanted? As Drake rang the doorbell on the gate, he was hoping that this trainer wasn't.

The gigantic gate slowly swung open in front of Drake, as though it was beckoning him to proceed. Drake, for some reason, nodded and followed inside, where the gate closed behind him. He gingerly went up the stone stairs to the big, wooden door. As soon as he got to it, though, it quickly swung open, hitting Drake in the face.

"Ouch!" exclaimed Drake as he dizzily opened his eyes to see who opened the door. It was a tall, old man. His face was wrinkled with age, and he had a curvy moustache on his face; the kind you usually see on cartoons. He wore a faded tuxedo, which looked as though it was worn many times before.

"You must be Sir Drake," said the man. "I am Mr. Jerveson, but Sir Reginald calls me "Jeeves"."

"Err...Hello...Jeeves," replied Drake nervously. "Nice to meet you..." Drake put out his hand shake Jeeves', but he did not put out his. He just turned around and walked away.

"This way to Sir Reginald's room, Sir Drake," said Jeeves. "Reginald only lives by himself. His mother and father are gone to a far away place, and said for me to look after their 14 year old son."

Drake nodded and followed. "Wow," though Drake, "it must be pretty hard to live by yourself."

They kept moving along for what seemed like hours. The shimmering hallways which they were taking were very long, and made Drake wonder why a fourteen year old guy would need such a big house. They passed about five bathrooms, seven bedrooms and three kitchens, until they finally arrived at their destination. Reginald's room was almost as big as the house, with it extending to almost two stories. There was many Pokemon memorabilia in their, from a huge Rhydon doll to a bed shaped like a Snorlax. At the very edge of the room was Reginald, who looked bored.

"There you are, Drake! My name is Reginald, but you can call me Reggy! Now, let us begin this trade, shall we?" Reggy was a tall boy for his age, maybe a couple inches taller than Drake. He had thin blond hair, and a face covered with blemishes. He wore a blue suit, which unlike Jeeves', looked brand new.

Drake nodded his head. "Yeah, you don't know how much I have been looking forward to this," beamed Drake. He thought he was smiling so hard that his face was red.

"As have I, Drake. You see, my father had a Vigoroth such as yours, and when I saw your battle on television with it, I simply just HAD to have it."

They walked over near the entrance to the room. A couple of feet beside the door was a Trade Machine.

"Just put Vigoroth's Poke-ball in the slot here," pointed Reggy.

"Um, Ok, Reggy," said Drake. Drake had never traded before, so he was unsure of what was about to happen. "Hold on a sec, what Pokemon are you trading to me anyway?"

"Well, Drake, I was thinking of trading you my Honchkrow," replied Reggy. "If you want, you can call it off..."

"Oh no, thats fine with me! I needed a Flying type Pokemon anyway!"

Both trainers placed their Poke-balls into the slots. Drake watched the screen as two silhouettes of the Pokemon passed each other. One was that of Vigoroth, and the other of a Honchkrow. And, at that instant, the Poke-ball of Honchkrow appeared in Drake's slot, and Vigoroth in Reggy's.

"That was pretty...neat," said Drake as he held the Poke-ball.

"I can tell you have never traded before, hm?" asked Reggy. "Well, now that the trade is over, can you show Drake to the door, Jeeves?"

"Yes, sir Reginald..." sighed Jeeves. "Right this way, sir Drake..."

They walked back to the entrance of the mansion, where they said their good byes. Drake walked happily down the hill, as he thought of the new adventures he will have with Honchkrow.

END OF CHAPTER.

Chapter Two

"Oh, gosh, why did I ever trade my Honchkrow for...for THIS?!" sighed Reggy as he saw his new Vigoroth deep in slumber. "This thing does nothing but sleep! I can see why Drake wanted to get rid of it so badly."

Earlier that day, Reggy traded his Honchkrow to a trainer named Drake, who in return gave him Vigoroth. Drake had a smile when the trade took place, but Reggy took no notice to it. Now, the rich lad regrets the trade, and wishes that he never contacted Drake in the first place.
"I bet he didn't even teach you any NEW attacks, did he?" asked Reggy angrily. And, with a silent nod from a dazed Vigoroth, Reggy kicked the side of his wooden antique Mew statue.

"Ow! That is it! I'm going to find Drake and demand a trade-back!" Vigoroth shuddered with the thought of going back to Drake, and with Reggy's voice in a harsh tone, he knew that he was surely going to go back. It quickly jumped up and started to use Slash on a big Rhydon doll, to show it wasn't as lazy as Reggy thought.

"On no! Stop! That's the doll my father gave to me, you stupid Pokemon!" Reggy commanded as Vigoroth slashed away at the doll. "Come on! Stop!" Still, Vigoroth continued hacking away at the now damaged doll. "Stop that NOW!" Vigoroth instantly stopped at the bellow, only to see that the only thing in front of it was the remains of the precious doll.

Reggy stared at the cotton remnants of the prized Rhydon. He was in confusion, deciding whether to be angry or depressed.

"Oh...my...g-g-gosh..." stammered Reggy. His face then grew red, scaring the already terrified Pokemon. "Why...didn't..you...STOP!? Why can't you do anything right? I have the badge which allows me to control you! Why won't it work!? You are going back to Drake, and that is FINAL!" Reggy whipped out Vigoroth's Poke-ball and instantly returned it.

Reggy picked up a bell and rang it. It was a short clinking noise, yet somehow was heard by Jeeves, who rushed to Reggy's room.

"Yes, sir Reginald?" asked Jeeves wearily. He was getting tired, and fast.

"Jeeves, get me a Poke-Tracker! We need to find Honchkrow!" said Reggy as he dressed for the cold weather outside. Reggy had put a special tracer on Honchkrow's Poke-ball,just in case something like this happened.

"Not happy, Vigoroth, I see?" asked Jeeves in astonishment.

"Of course I'm not happy! Its lazier than a Slaking!" replied an angry Reggy as Jeeves placed the tracker in his hand. "Oh and Jeeves, release that wild Pokemon we found in that forest a couple days ago. He might not want this abomination back!"

"Sir, are you sure you want to do that? It is possible he could defeat it," replied the weary Jeeves. It was obvious he didn't want to work anymore and just wanted a break.

"Yes, Jeeves! We gave it those vitamins to make it almost unbeatable!" replied Reggy. "Now hurry!"

"Yes, sir...I will release the wild... Ralts..."

***********

"Whew...finally!" said Drake, relieved to be back at the Pokemon Center. "That trek was long, and my legs need some rest!" He walked up to counter, a little more sluggish than usual.

"Hi Drake! What may I do for you?" asked Nurse Joy with the usual smile. In fact, no one has ever seen her not smiling.

"Um, can you see if my new Honchkrow is A-OK? I just got it from a trade!" said Drake, who sounded both tired and excited.

"OK, Drake. Which Pokemon did you trade?" asked Joy as she took the Poke-ball.

"Vigoroth, of course. I didn't like it that much, but the trainer was ecstatic!" said Drake, again sounding sleepy yet happy.

Joy seemed surprised. "What? Why on earth would you not like Vigoroth?"

"Well, because it hated me. It did nothing but eat and sleep, and never listened to me once!" replied Drake, sounding more awake.

"So? A lot of Pokemon people get usually start off like that. But, as you grow with them, so do they, and they will learn that you are a nice person!" exclaimed Joy as she returned the Poke-ball.

"Ugh, you just don't understand!" replied Drake. He took the ball, and stomped to his room, with temper going into every step. "No one does..." whispered Drake as he lay on his comfy bed.

"No one..."

END OF CHAPTER.

Chapter Three


"Hehe....There he is..." said Reggy as he menacingly looked at Drake through his room window. "Now I can trade him back!"

Reggy travelled from his huge mansion to the Pokemon Center in Corona Town, which was quite a way from his home. Beside him, he brought the wild, but loyal Ralts, which he was to use on Drake if he refused the trade back. It was late, yet Reggy did not wish to go all the way home. "Come on. We have to spend the night here!" Reggy signalled Ralts to go inside.

"Hello, trainer! Welcome to the Pokemon Center! My name is Joy," said Joy happily. It seemed she never grew dreary of saying it, either.

"Hi. Can I get a room, please?" said Reggy, pretending to be tired. "My Ralts and I need to spend the night in someplace warmer than a tent."

"Hm? Ok, but can I please have your name? I don't believe I have seen you before," said a confused Joy, wondering how this boy can sleep in a tent when he had no bag.

"Um..Re-I mean Richard! My name's Richard!" said Reggy, or should I say, "Richard"?

"OK, Richard. Here are your room keys. Just don't stay up past midnight. Oh, and if you want to battle, there is a special room in the back where you may battle." said Joy.

"Er..OK. Thank you." said Reggy as he walked off to his room. "There, now we just have to ask Drake for the trade-back! Remember, Ralts, if he refuses..."

"Raltsralts..!" responded Ralts, obviously meaning yes.

"Good, now to find his door..." Reggy was confused, only knowing that he was in the building.

For nearly the whole night, Reggy knocked on people's doors, only to find either it was empty or an annoyed answer from a previously sleeping trainer. When he finally found Drake's room, he was ready to drop.

"H...Hi, D...Drake!" said the young snob, almost as tired as Drake was.

"Huh? Reggy? What are you doing here?" asked Drake, who was surprised that Reggy walked all the way from his mansion to the Pokemon Center.

"I'm here to trade you back your Vigoroth!" said Reggy, suddenly "back to health".

"W-What? But why? I thought you loved Vigoroth!" said Drake. He felt scared, thinking he might get Vigoroth back.

"I did, before I was shown yours!" snapped Reggy. "Now are we going to trade, or will I have to force you?" Reggy cracked his knuckles, showing that he meant business.

"No! I like Honchkrow, and I'm never going to get that lazy bum back on my team EVER!" snapped back Drake as he slammed the door, only to have it opened by Reggy.

"OK, then, I guess you'll have it the hard way! Go, Ralts!" said Reggy as Ralts burst from the shadows.

"Ralts ralts!" exclaimed Ralts as it showed off its extraordinary psychic power by cracking the door behind it.

"Oh, no..." whispered Drake to himself. He was terrified of Ralts, no matter the shape or size. "Hehe...Gotta go!

Drake ran towards the window and jumped out into the cold.

"After him!" shouted Reggy as he and Ralts jumped out and followed behind.


*********

"Oh man...I got to hide! There isn't any time to stop and battle!" thought Drake as he drove off into a nearby alley. "I wish I bought that shiny red bike back in September, when I still had the money. But, nooo, I had to buy stuff for that dang Vigoroth! Seems to be causing all my troubles lately..."

"There he is! After him, Ralts!" yelled Reggy as he and Ralts chased after Drake.

Drake ran furiously from the pair, somehow scared of the small Pokemon.

“Why is...why is that Ralts doing this? It's obviously wild!” Drake muttered to himself. He couldn't believe it. Reggy seemed like such a snob.

“Stop! Battle me like a real trainer, you coward!” raged Reginald. “Ralts! Stop him in his tracks!”

Ralts stopped rushing and paused. It slowly moved it arms, almost as if controlled by a puppeteer. Suddenly, Drake came to a jerking stop.

“Ah...it's using Confusion...Fine! I'll battle you!” Drake swiftly turned around and reached for his belt. “As it seems fit, I'll use Honchkrow!”

“What? I-I-I can't battle my own Pokemon!” Reggy seemed terrified of the thought of even harming his own Pokemon.

“Heheh. You seem scared. No matter! Go, Honchkrow!” Drake threw the glossy Poke-ball. In a glaring light, Honchkrow appeared.

“Honchkrow!” exclaimed the bird Pokemon. “Honch...?” It looked at it's old master, looking fearful and with a small Ralts by it's side. It looked behind itself and saw Drake. Instantly, it knew what it had to do.

“Please Honchkrow! Don't do anything you'll regret! I want you back!” Reggy cried. He noticed the stern look in its face. “...please..”

Ralts, on the other hand, was not as depressed as the human beside it. Actually, it seemed eager to battle its new foe.

“Well, let's get this over with, shall we? Honchkrow, use Night Slash!” Instantly, the dark bird swooped at the small enemy. Its wings were glowing with a dark purple as it rushed. Honchkrow seemed quite angry at Reginald for trading it.

“Damn it, Honchkrow...Fine! I'll have to show you I'm worthy! Ralts, Confusion! Go go go!” Again, Ralts was a puppet by invisible strings.

Unfortunately for Reggy, Night Slash was still being used. It hit Ralts forcefully, knocking it to the ground.

“What? Why didn't Confusion do anything?” asked Reggy, confused himself.

“Seriously? Reggy, you should know that Psychic type attacks won't affect Honchkrow. You of all people should know that! Now, let's finish this. Night Slash!” Again, Honchkrow furiously swooped at the fallen Ralts.

“Ralts! No!” Reggy didn't bother calling an attack. The slash once again hit, and Ralts seemed unable to even stand.

“No...all those vitamins...Honchkrow...Maybe you were right, Drake...I'm not worthy of being a trainer.

“Wait! Honchkrow, return!” said Drake. The bird was engulfed in the red light, and went back inside the ball. “Reggy, I'm sorry but Honchkrow is mine now. It's better off with me, don't you think? It certainly loves to battle, and you are stuck in a mansion that's barely accessible. Do you, understand?”

Reggy looked up, sobbing.

“Yes...you are correct. I was just...I just didn't want to lose Honchkrow. But, I have Vigoroth now, and I'm sure I will get used to him. But, can you do me a favor, sir Drake?”

“Erm, sure. What do you need?” asked Drake, somewhat shocked the rich boy agreed with him.

“Capture Ralts. It, like Honchy, also loves battling. I learned that as Jeeves and I fed it those vitamins...I'm not the battling type, anyways.”

“Heh, sure, Reggy.” Drake grabbed an empty Poke-ball from his waist. Ralts was still lying down. “Poke-ball, go!”

He threw the ball at the little green Pokemon. The ball flashed open and the Ralts went inside.

“Come on...come on!”

Plot/Storyline: Ok, so this is beyond a doubt one of the weirdest stories I have ever read. Starts off explaining why a Trainer dislikes a member of his party, Vigoroth; and is consequently, on a quest to trade it. Fast forward a little bit and our ‘hero,’ Drake has finally managed to pawn off Vigoroth on some poor rich kid, Reginald. While at first ecstatic to receive Vigoroth, the rich kid quickly grows tired of it and decides to hunt down Drake and demand they trade back.
Eventually he finds Drake, requests they trade back, Drake refuses and they battle, Drake easily defeats Reginald and then catches the Ralt on request from Reginald.

-Phew- Ok, so it was definitely original, I’ll give you that much, I have never come across your plot in any other story, except maybe mine, I remember I once caught/stole another trainer’s Pokemon, but under slightly different circumstances.

Bottom-line, it was original, it was fresh, but personally, I just thought there was something missing. I think perhaps my problem wasn’t with the plot or story itself, but rather how much dialogue there was. I mean almost the entire thing was the characters talking and interacting with each other; I don’t mean to say that this was necessarily a bad thing, at least in most cases, but I would have liked to see a little more emphasis on the actual story and less dialogue writing.

Another thing that I’d like to bring up, although I can promise it won’t be affecting the grade in any way shape or form, is realism.
Now first and foremost this is Pokemon, it isn’t real at all, as far as I’m concerned your story could take on a flying spaceship battling aliens, realism just isn’t all that important.
However, I found the events that took place in this story, to just be absolutely unbelievable. From the way the characters talked to each other, to the way Reginald found Drake and the subsequent battle, it just felt like I was watching a really corny movie flick; where everything portrayed was highly unlikely to ever happen under any circumstances.

In ending I’d just like to say, no offense intended, everyone writes in their own style of writing, and such, and as I said, it won’t be affecting your grade in anyway, I just wanted to voice my opinion and let you know what I thought about it.

Grammar/Spelling: For the most part, you were pretty ok here, like I said before there was an unbelievable amount of Dialogue, which in a way makes it hard to determine exactly how good your grammar is. However, the spelling was pretty good. I would like to call to your attention, a few sentence fragments that I spotted early in your story.

The first being:

Drake was on his way to another trainer's mansion, on an invitation to a trade. A trade for Drake's Vigoroth, to be more exact. Drake was not very fond of Vigoroth, since it would only eat and sleep, unlike the rest of its species.

Ok, the sentence where you state “A trade for Drake’s Vigoroth, to be more exact” is a sentence fragment. As a rule, every sentence should be able to stand on its own, that is to say, that when said aloud on its own, it should make sense.

Alone, this sentence doesn’t make much sense; I noticed that you liked to use periods and ellipses (…) a lot in your writing, and I think this sentence fragment is just a bye product of that. Using a few more commas or semi colons, would help prevent that. For instance, rewriting the paragraph like the following, prevents it from becoming a sentence fragment:
[quote]

Drake was on his way to another trainer's mansion, on an invitation to a trade, a trade for Drake's Vigoroth, to be more exact. Drake was not very fond of Vigoroth, since it would only eat and sleep, unlike the rest of its species.

All I’m doing is replacing your period with a comma, which connects the two thoughts and makes it a complete coherent sentence which is able to stand on its own.

Likewise with some of your dialogue, you used a ‘hella’ lot of ellipses and periods, and I think your writing would benefit a little bit more if you cut down on their use a little, and started experimenting with the use of commas a bit more.

Other than that small complaint, and the one or two sentence fragments I spotted, your story was pretty clean; as I’ve said like a thousand times now, dialogue heavy, but ultimately correct; nicely done.

Detail/Description: This part of the story really hurt you; detail and description are a huge integral part of the story for me, and in a lot of ways, this was lacking. You did a really good job of describing the characters, that is, Drake, Reginald and ‘Jeeves.’ However, outside of a brief description of the mansion and Night Slash attacks, you really didn’t describe anything at all.

Another thing I’ve said a million of times is that detail and description is one of the most vital parts of the story. Each and every person is different (lame) and so they see/interpret things differently (see how understanding I am?). This is important because how one person imagines something can be totally different then how another person does. As an author it’s your job to express as clearly as possible what it is you wish to convey through your writing. How did Vigoroth look, did it have any distinguishing marks, what color was its fur, etc. All of this is important; your goal here is to show the reader exactly what you see in your mind when you envision a particular scene playing out.

For instance, what exactly did the mansion look like? You need to explain to the reader exactly what you see when you imagine that mansion, what was its color, how tall was it, did have a bunch of windows, did it have spires like some sort of castle, etc. All of this is extremely important, because as it stands now, I have absolutely no idea what it looks like, for all I know, it could be straight out of the “Haunted Mansion” movie, and I would never know.

Same goes when describing people and your surroundings, what did Nurse Joy look like, what color was her hair, what was she wearing, what did Drake’s room look like, or the forest he was running through, all of this adds realism to the story and allows the reader to become more engaged. If they can see and imagine what it is you have written, then they become that much more involved in the story and it has that much more meaning to it.

This especially goes for the Pokemon, you didn’t describe Ralts at all, except to say that despite its size Drake was still scared of it. All this tells the reader is that Ralts is probably small, but they have little idea how small, does it go up to his chin, or maybe his stomach, hell even his ankles maybe? Unless one knows right off the top of their head exactly how big Ralts is, and how big your character is, they have no idea and are left to wonder and imagine it on their own. As an author this is something you should try to avoid at all cost, maybe not entirely, sometimes it is good to let the reader infer some aspects of the story, but as a whole you should aim to paint the clearest picture possible.

So, ya, this part hurt you quite a bit, I recommend that in future stories you take a little bit more time thinking everything out and describing them so the reader has some idea what you are talking about.

Length: Enough

Battle: Not much to say here, there wasn’t much of a battle to be honest, it lasted a whole two attacks with Honchkrow not taking any damage. All things considered, with the build up to the battle with that chase scene, it was pretty disappointed for the battle to end so soon, especially when earlier Jeeves and Reginald remarked on how strong Ralts was. For it to only last two hits without damaging Honchkrow at all was anticlimactic to say the least.

In most stories, the battle is a pretty important part of the story, and usually it’s better if you can draw the battles out a little longer and make them a tad more interesting. This makes for a more exciting read for the audience and in some cases can vastly improve the length of the story, not that you needed that here.

All in all, I can’t say I enjoyed the battle, as I said, it really wasn’t a battle at all, Honchkrow was sent, it stomped Ralts, the end. That was pretty much how I read it, and as you might be able to see, it doesn’t sound all that exciting. I realize that Ralts is against Honchkow and that psychic attacks don’t affect Dark types, but make it a little bit more interesting. Hell, Ralts is PSYCHIC, have it lift rocks and throw them at Honchkrow, or summon some invisible barrier for the bird to fly into causing damage. Anything to have given Ralts a chance and make the battle a little bit longer, a little more exciting would have been great. As it stands now, it really wasn’t much of a battle and didn’t do much overall to help the story except provide an ending.

I’d like to say more on this subject but considering how short it was, it’s really hard for me to provide any feedback at all, it really needs to be lengthened, with more attacks and such.

Sorry, but that’s all I have to say about this part.

Outcome: Ralts…… NOT CAPTURED!
Sorry, but the lack of description coupled with the incredibly short battle just killed the story, especially the battle. If you want Ralts read through my grade, describe a few of the Pokemon, (Ralts, Vigoroth and Honchkrow would be nice) and lengthen that battle considerably. Everything else, story, grammar etc was fine. I would suggest eliminating some of the dialogue, but that’s a personal preference and not something you absolutely have to do. Just make the few changes I suggested, and then ask for a regrade.
If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to ask me anytime.