A Ranger's Trip - Feautring the URPG Rangers
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    Registered User -Apollo-'s Avatar
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    Default A Ranger's Trip - Feautring the URPG Rangers



    A Rangers Trip

    Buzz slowly opened the glass door and stumbled forward into the building. His shoes dragged across the floor and in his hand was a small half empty whiskey bottle. Buzz opened his mouth ready to same something, however a loud belching burp echoed from his mouth. The receptionist, after noticing the young man, quickly abandoned her post at the front desk and started to run towards him. He looked up and watched her run. He was fixed in a trance. She had the most beautiful eyes and her long blonde hair swept to one side. She wore a revealing low crop top and a short denim skirt. He was in heaven.


    “Sir, I’m afraid to say that they left without you,” she said. Buzz snapped from his trance and mumbled, “Whaaa, who, who left?”

    “The Rangers, silly. The left to go on a bonding exercise to the Lakes, however we all know that they’ve gone to get completely pissed,” She replied.

    “Aww crumpets,” he bellowed.


    ***



    “Woooo, it’s party time,” cried Joe as he stood up. He looked out from the Jeep and suddenly saw a huge lake appear on the horizon. He gulped his drink and sat back down, throwing the empty glass bottle into a black bin bag.

    “Hey, guys watch this,” said James. He grabbed a small beer can and held it in his palm. Then he quickly slammed the can into his forehead. The can crumpled up on contact with James’ forehead and fell to the floor. Joe was surprised that James didn’t react at all to it, since it looked pretty painful.

    “So guys, what do you want to do first when we reach the lakes? Swimming? barbeque?” Eric asked the group. James’ eyes lit up upon hearing the word barbeque and quickly replied, “Yes a barbeque. Since I have the most expertise about barbeques, I should be the head chef.”

    “Well I don’t mind going swimming first,” Ivy replied. Akinai looked up and added, “Yeah swimming sounds awesome.”

    Argent and Cameron looked at each other simultaneously and said together, “We’ll come.”

    Joe laughed and turned around and stared outside.

    I wonder how Jay is doing with his new job at BMG


    ***



    The Jeep suddenly halted. Everyone jumped out from the Jeep and started to help by unloading the food, alcohol and the barbeque. James watched eagerly as the barbeque was being unloaded and started to slowly rub his hands. Once they had unloaded everything, Argent, Cameron, Ivy, Akinai and Siless got changed into their swimming costumes and ran into the lake. Joe walked forward towards Eric and Bill, who were watching James ignite the fire.

    “So I guess this is normal for you then James?” asked Bill. James smiled and replied, “Of course, I’m an Aussie. Cooking barbeque food is in my blood.” James ripped open a small bag of burgers and threw them onto barbeque. Joe looked around and watched as Argent started to splash water towards Akinai like he was a little boy playing in a water park.

    “Hey guys, am I late?” called out Gaius. Joe turned his back and noticed Gaius appear from a small trail through the woods. “No, we just arrived. How was the run?” asked Bill.

    “It went pretty well, the guy caught a Phione. First one to be ever caught I think.” Gaius replied.

    “Shh, don’t tell Cameron that. I think his been to the Lakes 5 times now looking for a Phione.” Eric stated.

    “Hey Joe, could you go into my bag and get the Boomerang, might as well do something while we’re waiting for the burgers,” James asked. Joe nodded and picked up James’ bag. It was quite heavy, almost like lifting a ton of bricks. He placed the bag down on the table and started to rummage through it. As he was rummaging through his bag, Joe suddenly realized how much crap James had. He had a three pairs of glasses, loads of Pokedolls and a couple of items that Joe had never heard of before. He closed the bag and replied, “Nope, no boomerang.”

    “What!” he exclaimed. He quickly ran across towards his bag and tipped the bag upside down. The whole content of the bag cascaded down onto the soft sandy floor. Once he realized there was no boomerang, he turned around and slowly walked back to the barbeque. I guess it wasn’t a proper barbeque without a boomerang in his eyes.

    Then all of a sudden, a loud cry appeared from the lake.

    “Help!” cried Argent.

    The five men turned around and noticed that Argent was in trouble. Bill quickly took off and started to run down the bank towards the waters edge. He leaped into the air and dived into the water.

    “Get it off, get it off,” cried Argent. He looked up and noticed a small green Pokemon lying on his head. The small green tentacles gripped onto his large afro, there was no way this Pokemon was coming off easily. Bill finally arrived at the scene and looked at the Pokemon. It was a Lotad and it seemed to be attached to Argent’s hair. At this point, Ivy, Akinai and Cameron were all screaming and retreating back to shore. Bill grabbed Argent’s arm and started to drag him back to shore, hoping the rest of the Rangers would have a plan.

    He dragged Argent ashore and placed him in front of everyone else. Bill looked at the other Rangers and said, “What do we do. It seems the Lotad is stuck to Argent’s hair.”

    “Cut it,” exclaimed Akinai.

    Argent quickly glared towards Akinai, disapproving her suggestion. Joe looked at the Lotad and said, “It looks like it’s the only way to get the Lotad out from your hair. I think I have some scissors here.” He turned around and picked up a pair of scissors from James’ bag. He looked at Argent and replied, “Sorry mate, it has to be done.”

    After fifteen minuets of hacking at Argent’s hair, the Lotad was finally out of his hair. Argent got up from the ground and looked down at the pile of hair. Joe felt bad for him however unfortunately it had to be done or else he would be walking around with a Lotad stuck on his head.

    The Lotad looked around and suddenly felt threatened. The small water Pokemon opened his mouth and fired jets of water towards the rangers. Eric quickly dodged one of the jets of water and turned around wondering where it went. Then he noticed James’ kneeling down on the floor besides a fallen barbeque, sobbing.

    “Quick someone stop that Lotad,” shouted Ivy. Joe quickly reached into his belt and removed a Pokeball. He threw the ball through the air and watched as it landed on Lotad. The rampaging Lotad suddenly disappeared inside the Pokeball. Then after seconds later, a soft clicked rang out from the Pokeball.

    “Phew, glad that’s over. So when we eating?” Cameron said. Everyone turned around and looked at James, who was still crying.

    “First the boomerang, now the barbeque,” he cried.

    “Takeaway?” suggested Siless?

    “Good idea,” replied the Rangers.
    Last edited by -Apollo-; 6th May 2012 at 08:04 AM.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: A Ranger's Trip - Feautring the URPG Rangers

    Fine then, don't include me ;_;

    I'll claim this because I'm a Grader and that's what we do. Or something.

  3. #3
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Ranger's Trip - Feautring the URPG Rangers

    Mine.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



  4. #4
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Ranger's Trip - Feautring the URPG Rangers

    Introduction/Plot:

    The introduction to me fell flat. The introduction is a total of four paragraph, one long one, and three short ones. The problem with the introduction is that it has no relation to the story in any way except one, which said that the rangers went to the Great Lakes. That was the only essential piece in the entire thing.

    An introduction means just that, an intro to the story. Sometimes our introductions fail to carry the message that ties the introduction and the plot together. The intro was an interesting read due to Buzz’s drunken stupor and him missing the outing, but beyond that you could have thrown this entire piece out of the story and it wouldn’t have been missed in the slightest.

    Now, while you could make this introduction relevant to the rest of the story, in my opinion it would just be easier to throw this section and use the one below it. It’s a better start to the story and explains everything the introduction should have.

    For the plot, really simple of walking into an area and finding a Pokemon. Now, what makes this interesting is the extra elements you added into it. The party element and the interaction between the rangers made it interesting to read, even the Lotad attacking Argent was fun to read. Without these elements it would have been a boring read because nobody likes to read such a simple storyline.

    Now that I pointed out the things that worked for this plot, I want to focus on something that bothered me about the story. The thing that I’m referring to is the capture of Lotad. Only in the Safari Zone can you throw a Pokeball and capture the Pokemon without a battle or a compelling reason for it to stay. With all those rangers there I’m sure you could have one of them summon a Pokemon to battle the Pokemon.

    This maybe a short story, but it would have been easy for you to add a thousand characters for a battle. It would have made the ending more memorable and not left a bad taste in the mouth of the reader.

    Description:

    I was really disappointed here. Even a really short story deserves the honor of having detail in it. Detail is needed in a story, just look at any novel, and is an essential factor in drawing in the attention of the reader.

    The very first paragraph of the story was the only area where you actually had good detail. You described the ‘beautiful’ receptionist decently, but after that the detail complete dropped off. The lake, the rangers, and the Lotad weren’t described in a complete manner.

    You did have a tiny amount on the Lotad, but it was woefully inadequate to explain what the Pokemon looked like. Just saying it had tentacles-which I’ve never heard of-and that it was green doesn’t tell the reader anything about the Pokemon that is enough. Based off that along I would have thought I was looking at some sort of squid Pokemon. As a writer you can’t assume that every one of the people who reads this knows exactly what each Pokemon looks like, you should give them the proper cues.

    As for the lake, you only need a little detail here. If this was me, I would describe the layout of the area, and I would discuss the weather. The idea isn’t that you overwhelm the reader with detail, but that you give them enough details that they can create a general picture, then fill in the rest of the details themselves. For instance, I truly didn’t know whether it was a sunny day with high heat, or a cloudily day with patches of sun. These things the reader should know.

    Finally, none of the characters had detail. This was a killing point for me. All the rangers in the story, but you couldn’t take the time to paint a picture of any of them? There are many of them so you don’t need a paragraph for each person, but a sentence or two for them couldn’t have hurt. They were literally blank spots as I read the story. I can’t harp on this enough for any story that I read, make sure your characters have detail, even a little is better than none.

    Grammar:

    A fair number of grammatical errors. Most of them are either the wrong words, or grammar relating to dialogue. There was perhaps a comma splice or two, but those seemed to me like simple typos. What was a weak point was the dialogue. It appears to me that you’re not familiar with some of the rules relating to dialogue, I have therefore put down numerous examples with the fixes.

    Buzz opened his mouth ready to [same] something, however a loud belching burp echoed from his mouth.
    Being a short story with your experience, these sort of grammar errors shouldn’t really be present. You know that a simple spell check isn’t sufficient, it requires a proofread as well.

    “Sir, I’m afraid to say that they left without you,” she said. Buzz snapped from his trance and mumbled, “Whaaa, who, who left?”
    You have two different people talking here, meaning that the paragraph should be split up into two different paragraphs. You did a few times in the story. Remember, that even if the dialogue is related, it has to have its own paragraph.

    “Hey guys, am I late?” called out Gaius. Joe turned his back and noticed Gaius appear from a small trail through the woods. “No, we just arrived. How was the run?” asked Bill.
    Same deal here. You have two different people talking in one paragraph. It needs to be split into two different ones.

    “It went pretty well, the guy caught a Phione. First one to be ever caught I think[.]” Gaius replied.
    Replied is a dialogue tag, meaning that this period in the brackets should actually be a comma.

    I think [his] been to the Lakes [5] times now looking for a Phione[.]” Eric stated.
    Two mistakes in this sentence and something else to consider. The first bracket is a wrong word, it should be [he has]. The brackets around the five is really a thing that is loose rule. You should really only put the number in a document if it’s a thousand. Even over one hundred is fine, but the five should really be spelled out. The final bracket relates to the quote before this one, the period should be a comma.

    Hey [,]Joe, could you go into my bag and get the Boomerang, might as well do something while we’re waiting for the burgers,” James asked.
    If a person is talking to another then the name needs to be surrounded by commas.

    “Takeaway?” suggested Siless[?]
    Don’t know if this was a mistake or not, but the question mark needs to be replaced by a period.

    Length:

    Near the bottom...

    Conclusion:

    Lotad Not Captured. The grammar did hurt you here, but the real killer to this story was the complete lack of detail. With the exception of the one person in the beginning, there was absolutely nothing. This was especially damning for the main characters. If you want the Lotad you’ll need to add detail, and fixing the grammar wouldn’t help.

    @gmandiddy
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



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