Thread: Quoth the Water-type... (Complete)

Target: Magikarp
Character Target: 3000+
Character count: 3236
And then... SWEARWORDS. Only a few, though.

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I surfed, weak and weary,
Over many a still and stagnant body of forgotten lake.
While I searched, nearly napping, suddenly there came a splashing,
As of some one gently thrashing, splashing at the lake's dry shore.
"'Tis some rare Poke," I muttered, "splashing at the lake's dry shore —
Only this, and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate fainted Pokémon floated to the surface of the water.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; — vainly I had sought to capture
From the stagnant water's rapture — A water-type for my sister —
Who had started her first journey just the night before —
A newbie, to be sure.

Over there I took my Lapras, when, with many a splash and splutter,
There flopped a stately 'karp of the gold category;
Not the least movement made he; not a metre moved or swayed he;
But, with IQ of seven, flopped around upon the shore —
Lying there defenseless on Lake Mahogany's shore —
Said "Herp-a-Derp," and nothing more.

But the Magikarp, sitting lonely on the bone-dry sand, spoke only
That one thing, as if his soul in that one thing he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered— An annoying motherfucker —
So I scarcely more than muttered, "I will capture you for her —
On the morrow she will leave Mum, as I had left before"
Again the 'karp said, "Herp-a-Derp."

But the Magikarp, still shining, tricked my sad soul into smiling,
So I steered the Lapras over 'til I was at the shore;
Then upon the sand, I began thinking, And I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this idiotic beast 'pon shore—
What this dumb, ungainly, foolish, dull and simple thing on shore
Meant in croaking "Herp-a-Derp."

This I sat engaged in guessing, but not a single word expressing
To the 'karp whose sparkless eyes now burned into my body's core;
This and more I sat pondering, until my head began wandering
To my own pillow's comfort lying at home upon my bed,
But whose velvet pillow lying underneath a sleeping head,
Could be better than a shiny, who Herped upon a Derp?

"Magikarp!" said I, "Thing of suck — Yet I cannot believe my luck,
For how many have a shiny Gyarados? Not one I have seen before -
I shall see the other trainers if, when thou evolve forthwith-
Thou shalt use Outrage, and everything can move or twist -
See them run out of the way when you go raging!"
Quoth the dumb beast, "Herp-a-Derp."

Then I gazed upon some trainers, upon red Gyarados all.
"Stupid thing" I shrieked, upstarting —
"Get thee into this capsule and off this lake's wretched shore!
I would take you for my own! But the RNG is broken!
So I shall give you to my sister when you leave this cursed shore!
You're not rare!" I shouted at the thing upon the shore.
Quoth the fucker, "Herp-a-Derp."

And the 'Karp, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
In the first box of my sister's new PC I had before;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon that is dreaming,
Of the day that he can rampage in vengeance for before;
But we're fine, because he's deficient, and my sister will not use him-
He shall battle- Nevermore!

The syllable count is off occasionally.
The rhyme scheme is iffy.
I am better than this.

I think you win.

Took me a bit longer than preferred.

Introduction: You used the word stagnant. Bonus points? I think yes. Other than that, there’s the immediate, BAHAHA, EDGAR ALAN POE WHAT moment, which was fantastic in and of itself. Such gimmicks started the poem out well, and served it equally well throughout the rest. I was rather impressed by the fact that you didn’t get too gimmicky—your intro did make me fret a little, because this is the sort of thing that is either awesome or embarrassing without inbetweeners.

Anyshmays. In terms of intro-atmosphere, you set everything up quite nicely. There was a bit of confusion with the main character (who is he and what’s he doing are vaguely answered… but how is he searching and nearly napping simultaneously…?). I don’t think there’s any effective way to resolve this tension—while the original Poe poem had the characters of Lenore and the Raven to build a sense of the poem’s speaker through interaction, you don’t have many tools besides the first person “Pokémon trainer”…. Don’t think that’s something that should be meddled with, necessarily. HOWEVER, despite a bit of weakness inherent there from the beginning, the scene actually felt quite solid in terms of “where, what, when…” et cetera. Additionally, it spurred me to read on. SO GOOD JOB.

Plot: This was pretty much a flop or flight that depended entirely on the concept’s plot execution and very little on actual poetry quality. While the introduction did make me worry, you upheld the concept well enough to overcome obstacles. There was very much an element of “trainer-woods-Pokémon,” but hey, this is for an easy story, and you certainly twisted it enough to make it awesome and original. Other than the basic convention rearrangement (ie trainer capturing Pokémon for sister, Magikarp beached rather than caught, Magikarp ignored and unused after being captured…), you also had meta jokes. Meta jokes always make me happy.

When you get into higher level captures, ESPECIALLY Hard and above, make sure that you have a basic plotline that doesn’t follow the trainer-woods-Pokémon pattern. Warping that works splendidly for a quick Easy/Simple (even Medium, every once in awhile) capture, but a lot of graders will eat you alive for it at the higher levels.

All-in-all, though, I found the plot element of your story quite amusing, nicely inverted, and straightforward enough to suit a story of this length.

Grammar: Um. I’m not well-versed in poetry to the point that I can comment on your meter/rhyme scheme. You seem aware that you broke the rhyme scheme (ie with “sister” in the second stanza), and honestly, it didn’t detract from the reading, so no complaints here. Your mimicked “ye olde English” was quite tolerable—perhaps even distressingly awesome. Good job.

The only thing that really made me go, “Huh?” was the phrase “who Herped upon a Derp.” I wasn’t entirely certain what that was intended to mean; it doesn’t really follow the traditional use of the phrase ____ upon a ____, ‘n I was just kinda like, WHAT. While poetry is flexible, “whats” should generally be a more awed “whaaaaaat,” articulated in the tone of one hopped up on cannabis, rather than a sharp, confused “what just hit me in the forehead” sort of what. Maybe take a look at that and tweak it to a different phrase, if possible.

Description: I was expecting to have to talk a lot, here, but looking the poem over, you actually had a splendid grasp of description—not just in the subjective terms of your limited medium, but on an actual objective writing plane. You made excellent use of adjectives, which is a rare and admirable skill. Bits such as “forgotten lake” and “bone-dry sand” made for excellent atmosphere- and imagery-inducing phrases, while “dumb beast” sorted out characterization gaps. You didn’t go overboard, which would have been incredibly damaging to a poem like this, but you certainly didn’t skimp, either.

I had a solid impression of place, action, and scene progression. There was a bit of a lack of tangible Pokémon description, and vagueness in the overall scene setting, but it “jived” with the poem tone and style. Just watch that the lack of solidity doesn’t transition too overtly into your prose. Also remember that URPG graders like to see coherent explanations of what Pokémon look like, for future stories.

On a whole, very nice job utilizing the tools available to you. It’s hard to work with such a miniscule length parameter AND a set of rough syllable/rhyme guidelines. You demonstrated an eye for the important, effective details and painted a strong picture despite these hindrances—hopefully that ability will serve you well in the future.

Battle: This was another pleasant surprise—you actually wrote a coherent battle scene, which I wouldn’t have expected possible with this format. Good good. On more difficult captures, you’ll be expected to have more interplay between the two Pokémon, incorporate fun strategies/Pokémon quirks/environmental toys, and maintain a similar level of engaging drama. On the current playing field, you performed excellently—the battle was suited to the medium and had the same tinge of humor and quirk to it, in addition to being dramatic and fairly beastly (though brief). I’m not sure I could ask for something better for this story. SO GOOD JOB, AGAIN.

Length: Good to go.

Verdict: Magikarp Captured. There are absolutely no grounds on which to deny this capture, unless I want to be a bitch and go all NO POETRY ALLOWED. But poetry is fun. So. Anyway, nice job with pretty much every aspect of this story. I thoroughly enjoyed the little jaunt through Poe/Pokémon/herp-a-derp related things. I hope to see more writing out of you—perhaps a little prose, mm? I’d like to see your full style in action.