Proof of Life (GRADED)- Comments welcome

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Thread: Proof of Life (GRADED)- Comments welcome

  1. #1
    Perpetually Moneyless Timpeni's Avatar
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    Default Proof of Life (GRADED)- Comments welcome

    Pokemon being captured: Surskit
    Suggested Length: 5k - 10k
    Actual Length: 8,748

    This is based on two songs:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdD9aq4u2Nk
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvIVJ4GnEkk
    My goal is to make you cry, like I did. MUAHAHAHA

    Why do I keep on writing about poor little girls dying from incurable diseases? ;_;

    -----

    "Mimi? I got hot chocolate for you..." The boy opened the door to her sister's room. She had straight, short auburn hair and her frindge was pinned up by two white clips. Her fair face and blue eyes faded in the cold winter temperatures. She has been bedridden for a long time. As a child she was always weak, but he never knew her illness would escalate to such heights in such a short period of time. And outside her window, it was still snowing...

    "Thank you, Lucas," Mimi said, and with her trembling hands, she grabbed the hot chocolate, only to let it slip through her fingers. The cup fell in a crash to the ground, glass flying everywhere. Her brother looked dumbstruck as he stared at his sister, who was looking for an excuse. "Sorry... I... accidentally dropped it. I'm becoming clumsier and clumsier." Mimi said, adding a fake laugh in it too. Lucas looked brave and nodded, before going off to get his mop.

    Outside the door, the young boy grabbed his curly hair the same color as his sister's and, after making sure she could not hear him, he gave a soft sob and tears streaked down his face. He could tell his sister was lying. She didn't drop it; her hands have become so weak from yesterday and today she couldn't keep a cup of hot chocolate in it anymore.

    They lived in a small cottage in a remote village, buried in the snow of winter. The did not know of telephones, of planes, of cars; if anyone got sick, two things happened to them: They recovered naturally or die. Lucas knew that her sister would be one of the unlucky ones.

    The family's Surskit crawled up to Lucas, wrapping its tiny, thin legs around its owners, as if to comfort him. Lucas sniffed and nodded, before heading off to the room of his sister. She watched silently as her brother created her mess. She opened her mouth to say something, but stopped. Lucas noticed this and gave his sick sister a smile. Mimi opened her mouth again, and this time shaky words came out.

    "I don't know if this sounds crazy, but I want to go out in the snow again. Just one more time." Mimi said, and Lucas looked surprised. However, he simply smiled slightly and nodded.

    "Sure. I just have to wrap you up extra warm. And are you sure you can still walk?" Lucas said, which made his sister a bit angry. She motioned her legs on the ground to show her brother she could walk, but the moment a little bit of body weight was on her feeble legs it skidded, leaving her nearly hitting the floor if it was not for her brother Lucas being attentive and quick, grabbing his sister and putting her back into the bed.

    "Don't try anything reckless. Don't worry, I'll carry you outside. We'll go tomorrow in the afternoon, alright?" Lucas said, and her sister nodded. Lucas noticed he was done mopping up the drink, and he went off to grab his broom and dustpan while the Surskit crawled up to its weak master. She wrapped her body around Mimi and seemed to be protecting her. Mimi gave the tiny creature a light pat on the head before drifting off to sleep.

    *

    "Mimi, time to wake up, I have breakfast." Lucas said, one hand holding a steaming bowl of oatmeal. After both their parents died, Lucas did all the cooking, and he was quite good at it. Mimi's heavy eyelids eventually started to open, and she looked at her brother, the sunlight falling on her eyes. He sat by her side and filled a spoon in oatmeal, blowing on it to cool it. He held the next to him.

    "Open up." Lucas said, and Mimi gave him a confused look, as if she didn't hear him.

    "I said, open up." Lucas held the spoon to her sister's mouth. She knew what to do and opened her mouth as the slightly-sweet oatmeal entered her mouth. She displayed content, but her brother was fearing the worse.

    "Mimi, if you can hear me, say 'I can hear you'." Lucas said. Mimi looked at Lucas blankly, and Lucas knew she could not hear him, and she won't ever again.

    The Surskit, who fell asleep on Mimi, woke up with a start, after having a bad dream. It looked at Lucas, and immediately knew something was going terribly wrong.

    Mimi opened her mouth. "Lucas, I can't hear you. I can't hear anything." These words confirmed the boy's suspicions, and he tried to look as confident and positive as possible, to prevent his sister from freaking out.

    "It's okay. We'll bring you outside lat-" Lucas realized there was no point, with Mimi being unable to hear him. He sighed and continued feeding his sister oatmeal, which, after only three small spoonfuls, she felt reluctant to eat.

    "I feel full." She said, and Lucas started to get even more worried. He knew he would have to bury his sister one day, but he didn't want it to come, and he couldn't embrace the reality as well as most. It would be the next tragic turn in his life. His parents and sister would be gone, and only him and Surskit would be left.

    Lucas put the half-finished bowl of oatmeal on the table nearby, for he knew if Mimi didn't want to eat it, she wouldn't. He simply thought about how to communicate with his sister, but stopped. His sister knew enough about him to know what he wants her to do.

    Lucas grabbed his coat and grabbed his sister's too. "We're going outside."

    Mimi, despite not knowing what her brother said, at the action of grabbing both their winter coats she thought up of a reason why quite quickly for someone who was sick.

    "But... I just woke up... unless it's the afternoon, and you woke me up late?" Mimi said, but her brother simply gave her a reassuring smile before dressing her in the thick, soft clothing on the hanger attached to the wall.

    *

    "Wow! The snow is beautiful!"

    Mimi laughed as her brother carried her in his arms out to the snow outside. He was quite strong for a boy his age; not surprising, since he had a lot of time to work out, being responsible for the entire house.

    Lucas smiled as Mimi stared at the falling powder, which melted in her hands. Surskit followed in a Pokeball hanging from Lucas' belt.

    "Can you put me down on the floor for a while, Lucas?" Mimi said. Lucas obeyed, slowly putting down Mimi's fragile body onto the soft, powdery snow. Mimi motioned her hands up and down, forming an imprint in the otherwise perfect layer of snow.

    "Look! A snow angel!" Mimi said, laughing innocently. "Is it nice, Lucas?"

    Lucas didn't bother answering, knowing that his sister won't hear him. His sister looked at Lucas and said something.

    "Um, Lucas, could you sing Jingle Bells with me?" Mimi said, and Lucas stared at the enthusiastic Mimi. "You always sang with me. Can you do it one more time?"

    "Okay. At the count of three." Lucas said, and held his fingers up for Mimi to see. He stuck up one finger, than two. Mimi knew what it meant, and took a deep breath.

    "Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh, over the fields we go, laughing all the way..."

    *

    It was in the true afternoon when Mimi complained she was tired and both went back to the cottage. Lucas didn't want to put off the visit outside to the afternoon, because looking at how frail his sister was, he feared that if she fell asleep in the middle of that period she would never wake up again. Surskit walked around the whole cottage, bored, and was disturbed by a yell.

    "Lucas! I can't see!"

    Lucas nearly had a heart attack out of surprise. His sister should be sound asleep, but now, Lucas busted into his sister's room, looking at her frantic look and fast breathing. Her eyes looked alright, but it was now shut down, a spoiled machine.

    "Lucas, where are you? I can't see." Mimi yelled, her heart thumping right under her chest. Lucas grabbed his sister's arm, and Mimi could feel her brother's warmth. She immediately relaxed.

    "I just want to live a normal life like you, Lucas. But I can't. Any unappreciative person can just waste days, weeks, even years of their lives, but I'm hanging on to every second, and every second is painful." Mimi cried, and Lucas held her closer, trying to comfort her with his touch. Mimi continued crying, and Lucas couldn't help but cry too.

    "Take good care of Surskit, Lucas. Remember, you won't be alone. I'll be watching from above. Please don't hurt yourself, I don't want you too. I don't even know if your listening, but I'm sure you are." Mimi said, and she lightly pushed Lucas away before lying on her bed again.

    "I'll make it quick. I don't want you to suffer anymore." Mimi said, and Lucas' tears fell on the bed as Mimi fell asleep one last time, and Surskit just stared.

    *

    It was dark and cold that night. Lucas looked into the now empty room, where his sister used to sleep. His Surskit hugged his leg again, a similar gesture to what he did many days ago. Lucas felt a tear come out of his eye as he went away, shutting the door on the room forever.

    -----


    Cry. CRY.
    *Ehem* Readers, please PM me your comments.
    Last edited by Timpeni; 27th January 2011 at 12:26 AM.
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  2. #2
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Proof of Life (Ready for grading)- Comments welcome

    Claimed, in the name of loooooove.

    Not sure where that came from......
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  3. #3
    Perpetually Moneyless Timpeni's Avatar
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    Default Re: Proof of Life (Ready for grading)- Comments welcome

    ... what.
    Thanks for claiming!
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  4. #4
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Proof of Life (Ready for grading)- Comments welcome

    Sorry, this took a bit longer to grade than I thought it would. X_X

    Intro: Rather than start your story with something like 'Mimi was very sick. Her brother took care of her.' or something like that, you dived right into the story with a piece of dialogue. Very nice. You do confront her illness right away as well, but in a way that captures the reader's interest and goes with the flow of the story. You give adequate descriptions of the characters and from the beginning, every action and word reveals more of the two siblings' personalities. This is awesome for a new writer.

    Plot: I've read a couple of your stories now and they seem to be tragic for the most part. Coooooooool. You start your story the day before Mimi died and show the loving, caring relationship she has with her older brother. You sneak the character's past in as the plot progresses, which is also badass. Eventually, Mimi loses her hearing, her brother grants her her last wish to go out in the snow, then she loses her sight and dies. This was actually pretty heart breaking. The scene where they sing Jingle Bells....But that's a good thing. You can tell how good an author is by how much emotion they get across to the reader. And you, miss, are a GOOD writer. You have a few problems with prose and grammar, but that'll get better as you go. You didn't have Surskit in the story too much, but this story wasn't really ABOUT Surskit, so I'll let you slide. I know this is supposed to be a Pokemon forum, but your story can't ALWAYS revolve entirely on the Pokemon's life. At least you had it in there. ^_^

    Dialogue: You did a pretty good job with dialogue and got a BUNCH of emotion across. You can tell how much Lucas cares about his sister and how much she depends on him. Good work.

    Grammar:

    The boy opened the door to her sister's room.
    Just a small pronoun switch. Since you're a newer author, that's not too bad, but you should make less errors like this with each story you write. You had a couple pronoun switches throughout the story, but don't worry too much. Just don't forget to reread your stories before submitting them.

    "Sorry... I... accidentally dropped it. I'm becoming clumsier and clumsier." Mimi said, adding a fake laugh in it too.
    That period after 'clumsier' should be a comma, since it's attached to a dialogue tag.

    She didn't drop it; her hands have become so weak from yesterday and today she couldn't keep a cup of hot chocolate in it anymore.
    This is worded a bit oddly. (Nice work with the semicolon though.) Something like this might make a bit more sense:

    She didn't drop it; her hands had become so weak since yesterday that today she couldn't keep a cup of hot chocolate in them anymore.
    if anyone got sick, two things happened to them: They recovered naturally or die.
    'die' should be 'died'.

    She watched silently as her brother created her mess.
    I THINK 'created' should be 'cleaned up'.

    "Mimi, time to wake up, I have breakfast."
    This could probably be broken up into two separate sentences.


    Detail: You do a pretty good job with detail. You remembered to describe all your human characters, the Pokemon, and the setting, so you're off to a better start than a lot of writers. Since you're already remembering to describe everything, try spreading out descriptions instead of lumping it all together right when the character is introduced. That's all the advice on detail I have right now.

    Length: You've got almost 9k and you needed 5, so you're way in the pass zone. ;D

    Reality: You didn't have too many problems....The only thing I had an issue with, was Mimi's speech/thing at the end. She was deaf, blind, and aware she was dying. There is NO WAY she would be that coherent, and think all that out so well. Also, up until then you had done awesome creating scenes that stuck in the reader's mind, but I think you could've created a more lasting image if you had just had her have a few, short last words and used all your writing skills to get across her fear and concern for her brother. But that's really the only thing I had a problem with.

    Personal Feelings: Tempeni, from what I've seen of your writing, you have a lot of promise. I enjoyed this story and though you have a couple problems, you're good to go for the most part. So rather than make you wait any longer....

    Outcome: Surskit....Captured. Have fun with your new Surskit (which you are awesome for writing for, by the way)


    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

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