The Power of Sinnoh - (Chapter 2 is out)(Ready to Grade)

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    Default The Power of Sinnoh - (Chapter 2 is out)(Ready to Grade)

    Prologue


    “Garchomp, use Brick Break” Cynthia commanded.

    "Sceptile, leap into the air and use Leaf Blade" shouted the tall blonde man on the other side of the battle field.

    The crowd watched hesitantly as the huge land shark Pokemon flew up into the air and circled around the outline of the sun. As Garchomp completed the circle, it dived down towards the ground and raised his right fin. Sceptile however had different ideas and leaped into the air as Garchomp was coming towards him. Garchomp looked up at the silhouette of Sceptile and continued to soar on. Garchomp landed on the soft green grass and turned to watch the Sceptile land on the ground as well. Both Pokemon began to pick up some speed and dashed to get the first blow. Garchomp raised both of his fins in the vertical position and watched as the began to glow white. Sceptile did the same but with his long green blades on his arms. Both Pokemon were centimeters away from each other.


    As Garchomp was within touching distance he lowered his fins and sliced them across Sceptile's body. Sceptile wasn't able to touch Garchomp, it was too quick and powerful. The Trainer opened his mouth in amazement of the pure power and speed of the Garchomp. The Garchomp carried on running in the opposite direction and then glanced back to watch Sceptile slowly fall to the floor. The whole stadium was silent, all eyes fixed onto the Sceptile lying on the grassy surface. The referee pocked his head around to see if the Sceptile was unable to battle.

    "You can do it Sceptile" Shouted it's trainer from the sideline, hoping for a miracle to happen.

    A green Aura suddenly appeared from the body of the Sceptile. The green aura rose into the air and sparkled in the air. Cynthia suddenly smiled and watched as the Sceptile slowly got back onto it's feet. A loud cheer came from the crowd and a loud voice echoed from the tall speakers around the stadium.

    "Well it looks like Sceptile has survived the attack and it's ability is starting to take it's affect" announced the Commentator from one of the tall gray boxes placed in the middle of the stand.

    'Alright Sceptile, I knew you could do it. Let's start things off with Energy Ball" Shouted the very optimistic trainer. His facial expressions completely changed. He looked a lot more confident.

    Cynthia shrugged her shoulders and gave an order to her Garchomp, "Garchomp, finish this with Draco Meteor"


    Sceptile opened his mouth and produced a small green ball in his mouth. The green aura generated from Sceptile's body increased the size of the green ball. Sceptile fired the enlarged green ball towards Garchomp. Garchomp smiled and produced it's own ball, however this one was a lot different. This ball was red and orange infused together. Instead of firing the ball towards Sceptile, Garchomp fired the ball into the air. During this time, the large green ball soared towards Garchomp and as the Land Shark Pokemon sent the orange ball flying into the air, smacked against Garchomp causing it to be sent crashing towards the ground.

    The Trainer gave a cheeky wink to Cynthia and focused back on the battle. The small orange ball stopped mid air and split into hundreds on tiny meteors. The small meteors plummeted towards the ground and when they did hit the ground created small craters. Sceptile looked up at the failing meteors and began to try and dodge them. However after taking a powerful blow, Sceptile began to stumble around the pitch. A small meteor crashed into Sceptile leaving a small dust cloud. As the dust settled, the Referee announced that Sceptile was unable to battle, Cynthia is the winner.

    The crowd began to cheer violently and Cynthia slowly walked over to the trainer and shook his hand. She whispered into his ear, "Practice, Practice make’s perfect"


    ***

    Chapter 1

    The Abandoned Sandile



    In a small town not so far away from the Pokemon League, a young teenager walked out of his door and stretched his arms. He smiled before heading off into the rising sun which was creeping over the hill tops.

    “Sir, where are you going?” asked the large clay Pokemon. The Claydol slowly caught up with the young boy. The young boy turned around and placed his arm around the Claydol and smiled and replied, “I am going to finish what my brother started,”

    “But, Master Michael, you remember what happened to your brother, he was public humiliated by…” replied Claydol before being interrupted by the finger of Michael.

    “Please do not repeat her name,” Michael said as he began to walk down the path, thinking about what happened to his brother, a small tear ran down the side of his cheek. Michael quickly dabbed his hand over the tear to remove it.
    ***


    “Boss reporting for duty” reported a young man who stared anxiously at the black silhouette sitting behind a large wooden desk. He slowly swiveled around on his chair and faced the young man. Fear struck the man as soon as his eyes made contact with the large figure in the chair.

    “What is your name?” asked the large figure in the chair whilst looking at the sleek uniform the young man was wearing.

    “Damien, sir” replied Damien as a small sweat drop trickled down his red rosy face. The atmosphere was tense and the large figure swiveled around on his chair and faced the large pain of window that showed his large empire. A file lay on the desk which held the information of Damien next mission.

    “Open it, your mission lies inside that file. Do not let me down” stated the large figure as still faced the large window pain. Damien slowly grabbed the file and placed it under his arm and marched off. Damien walked towards the translucent doors and stared at the large Z in front of him. He slowly pushed the door and exited the office.

    ***


    It was confirmed that it was the hottest summer that Sinnoh had witnessed. Michael slowly walked down the path, trying not to waste most of his energy and water supply. He grabbed a small white towel and wiped his face removing most of the sweat. Michael looked across at Claydol and noticed that he was tired as well. In the distance Michael noticed a small building with a large Pokeball on the top. Michael rubbed his eyes thinking it was his mind playing with him but he was wrong. The large Pokemon Center stood out from all the other buildings by the large luminous Pokeball on the roof. Michael turned to Claydol and said “Well we better stay at the Pokemon Center for a while, until it gets colder to carry on”

    “I agree Sir, I am almost melting in this heat” Claydol replied and continued to float along side Michael. Within minutes they finally reached the large Pokemon Center. Michael opened the doors and felt a large breeze of cool air which blew through Michael wavy brown hair. Michael looked up and noticed all types of trainers were here to get out of the heat. A young lady walked up to Michael and handed him a small wet towel, “It’s to cool you down”

    “I am fine thanks” Michael said as he gave the wet towel back to the Nurse. Micheal walked around to the front desk and looked at the map. He scanned the map to find where he was and how far he had to walk. He placed his finger on one spot and the other on another spot. Michael gave a sigh as he realized how far away he was from his goal. Suddenly a small boy exploded through the door. He ran up to the front desk and handed over a small purple rat Pokemon.

    “I found this Rattata lying outside the playground. I think he is still alive but he is dehydrated. Please tell me there is something you can do” The young boy asked the Nurse as he handed over the small rat. Michael began to wonder if the young boy hadn’t been playing or even at the playground that the Rattata might have been in more serious condition.

    “Ok, I will look after that Rattata for you, could you wait over there while we look after the Rattata” said the Nurse as she pointed towards the purple couches in the corner. Michael began to think to himself how busy Pokemon Center’s were.

    ***



    “We will arrive in Celestic Town in 5 minutes” rang the voice over. Damien colleted his pieces of paper and placed them in the brown folder. He placed the file in his black briefcase before slowly rising from his seat. He walked down the isle trying not to look suspicious. He reached the end of the train and waited till the gray outline of the station was visible through the translucent windows. The train finally stopped and Damien grabbed his black bawler hat and placed it on his head. He walked towards the exit and looked out at the small shrine in the middle of the town. He smiled before walking outside the station. Celestic Town was a small town in the northern part of Sinnoh. It is told that ruins of Celestic Town tell a story of when the universe was made. Damien was not here to sight see, unlike most people on the train. Damien had work to do and continued to walk towards a small cottage of the edge of the town.

    Damien slowly opened his briefcase and removed the file that was there. He opened the file and turned to his victim’s profile. He scanned the page and put his finger on a piece of information. He lifted his head and studied the number on the door. Damien smiled before placing the file into the briefcase. Damien walked towards the door and knocked twice. An old woman opened the door and asked Damien what he wanted. Damien replied, “I am here to learn about the Sinnoh Legends”

    ***


    Michael lay on the purple couch thinking about how he was going to beat her. However a small noise distracted Michael thoughts and caused him to turn to the source of the noise. Michael looked at the empty space and frowned before returning to his original position. Before Michael could get comfy he heard the voice again, it sounded like someone was in pain. Michael rose from the couch was walked towards the source of the noise. He walked behind the desk and noticed the voice was coming out from the back door. Michael quickly raced towards the back door and opened the large steel doors. Michael couldn’t believe what he saw. He took a step back before walking over to the Pokemon.

    “Sandillee” cried the Pokemon as pulled at the rope which was tied to a large steel nail, which was hammered to the ground. Michael quickly untied the knot of the rope and watched as the tired Sandile fell to the ground. Michael thought to himself ”How could someone leave a poor little Pokemon out in this heat”

    Michael picked up the small Sandile and carried it into the Pokemon Center. As Michael walked inside the Pokemon Center, he could not help but hear a young boy’s conversation with his friends.

    “Yeah, it lost a battle so I left it out side. Stupid Pokemon couldn’t even hurt a fly. I am going to catch a better Sandile that actually wins some battles. They say it's from the Unova Region and that is rare, I think that it is the weakest Unova Pokemon” Michael couldn’t listen any more and walked over to the front desk.

    “Could you look after this Sandile for me please?” Michael asked the young Nurse behind the desk. She accepted the Sandile and headed through the white double doors behind her.

    Michael walked over to the young boy and his friends and interrupted their conversation. “Excuse me but did I just hear that you left a young Sandile out in the back?” Michael asked the small stubby kid.

    “Yes I did, why dose it have anything to do with you, it never won a battle and it will never evolve. It’s a useless Pokemon” replied the young boy. Both of his friends agreed and gave a snickering look at Michael. Michael was really angry at the way the young boy treated that Pokemon.

    “It’s a useless Pokemon? A Pokemon is never useless, with love, care and determination you can do anything with your Pokemon. You can make them stronger and win battle or you can train them to become good at Contest. Once my brother said to me this ‘Practice, Practice make’s perfect’ You don’t deserve to be that Pokemon trainer” Michael said as his face became a lot more red than usual. Michael didn’t like shouting or telling off someone but when a Pokemon is involved and the trainer treats it like dirt, that’s when Michael gets angry.

    “Fine why don’t you look after it!” the young boy exclaimed as began to walk off towards the exit of the Pokemon Center, not giving two cents about his Pokemon.

    Michael knew that now he had to make Sandile feel loved and start a new relationship with this Pokemon, unlike its previous trainer. From then on Michael began pacing up and down the Pokemon Center waiting to hear the news that Sandile was OK and well. An hour later, the young nurse appeared from the white double doors and carried a silver tray with Sandile Pokeball.

    “We heard the argument and the young boy left all his Pokemon hear to be healed whilst he goes off and looks for stronger Pokemon. I think that you will make a better trainer than that boy” said the Nurse as she handed over the small Pokeball to Michael. Michael grabbed the ball and clicked the small with button. A flash of red light appeared and a small Sandile sat on the floor with her leg’s crossed.

    “Ready to go on an adventure” Michael asked the Sandile who looked up at Michael with his big boldly eyes.
    Last edited by -Apollo-; 23rd April 2011 at 02:39 AM.

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    Default Re: The Power of Sinnoh - (Comments are welcome)(Ready to Grade)

    Nitty Grity things:

    Target Pokemon: Sandile (Medium)
    Estimated Length: 10k - 20k
    Actual Length : 13,085
    Last edited by -Apollo-; 8th March 2011 at 01:28 PM.

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    Default Re: The Power of Sinnoh - (Comments are welcome)(Ready to Grade)

    Claiming. MAGGYO BROTHERS, UNITE!

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    Default Re: The Power of Sinnoh - (Comments are welcome)(Ready to Grade)

    Introduction:

    Your intro...

    The intro to this story is quite easily identified as a prologue; something I'm seeing more and more come to light. I like the idea of prologues as a whole, and have been considering using them myself. The purpose of a prologue is essentially is to give us some background on the story and possible start off some problem. The beginning of this prologue is through the use of dialogue, a nifty way of catching the reader's attention. That's not all to the intro though. There is the finale of a battle (Elite I'm guessing from seeing Cynthia), and you did a good job in telling this battle--what happens and what counters each move, etc.

    Dialogue

    Dialogue not only tells what a person is saying, but it also helps discover dialects; which in turn help tell the speaker's background. They help to convey what the speaker is thinking at the time, and the tone of the dialogue helps to show their emotion. This is why I recommend using this as an opening sentence. Did your story do that?

    “Garchomp, use Brick Break” Cynthia commanded
    From this sentence, I can tell several things. Clearly Cynthia is the owner of this Garchomp as she is telling it what to do, but there's more to that. Instead of using "said" the most plain form of describing speech, you used the better "commanded". This word alone tells the reader of her power and control over her Pokemon; aswell as her authorative nature. Good job there.

    My only reservation about this statement is that it's pretty much jumbled in with the rest of the battle, which, in turn, reduces it's effectiveness. If this line was sperated from the rest of the paragraph (which is what you should do when a speaker stops talking), it would stand out and.. yeah. I would recommend watching out for this, but t'was good nonetheless, boy.

    Battle preview

    Battles help to spark an interest in the reader through their fast-paced, action-packed, excitement-inducing nature. So, yeah, they're good. Later on, in the Battles section of the grade I'll elaborate on this some more, but I felt like bringing it up. One thing to watch with battles is that they can start a story off rather quickly, but the rest of the story may seem a little too relaxed and laid-back if you do this. This mightn't be the case as I'm doing this intro before reading the rest of the story. Also, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE seperate the speech and the battles. =] I feel like this is getting a tad long, so I'mma tell you all about detail, grammar quirks and what not later, but yeah, I approve of the intro.

    Plot:

    Okay, so you have a whole double-plot thing, i.e. putting two plots in one story before they intertwine(?). It's a nifty idea and I like how you did it, but in future seperate the sections in a more blunt way. Don't double-space paragraphs, have a little symbol. I kept getting confused when the story switched before I realised. Both plots themselves weren't overly complicated. The first is about an aspiring trainer cled Michael who wants to be the best, and eventually beat Cynthia. The other plot was about these "bad guys" ex hanging files and what not. BUT, WHERE'S THE BAD GUY ATTITUDE? The plot was just a little too basic, I found. While reading it I kept hoping something different and something exciting would happen.

    What's the one thing I look for in the plot...

    * Originality. Whether it's the storyline itself or the characters I love to see something different and unique. Even if it fails miserable, you get brownie points for actually being different. I didn't see all that much things that truely defined "outside the box". Because I know little about how the characters look, I had to assess their personalities. Michael was your typical just trainer with high hopes, and Damien is your typical bad guy who seeks to control the universe with powerful Legendary Pokemon. This is an opening chapter, so I don't expect much in plot development, but for future chapters, make sure to show me something new.

    Detail:

    The reader doesn't want to hear that the flowers smell nice. They want to know about the sweet scent from the pollen on the daisies. Did the ice cream taste good, or was it an explosion of chocolatey goodness? As the writer, you are creating a world for the reader, whether you realise it or not. They don't want to know about the smallest of things, like how the fourty third key on the piano had a small crack similar to the island of Manhattan, but they do want to know what's happening and help them create a vivid mental image. I knew nothing about Michael's appearence whatsoever, except that he has wavy brown hair. How can the reader relate to the characters, if they don't know how the characters look, or act, etc. Make sure to watch out for this. Oh, and, when describing characters try and do it when they are introduced, not mid-story or the reader may have created a completely different image by that stage.

    One more thing on the details, two 'basic' adjectives beside one another are not better than one more powerful adjective. So, a big fire tornado is not as effective as a towering inferno. Just watch this

    You did a good job in developing Michael's personality. He went through different phases as the chapter progressed; at first he was ambitious when thinking about beating Cynthia, then level-headed when he saw the poor Meditie, and finally compassionate when he chose to help it. I hope to see some more of this, as I felt it was a nice touch.

    Grammar:

    Okay, some things I noticed.

    “Please, do not repeat her name” Michael said
    Okay, two things with this sentence. Firstly, there is no need for a comma (,) after 'please'. Sencondly, and most importantly, when someone's done speaking you end the dialogue with the correct structure. So, dialogue always ends with a full stop (.), a comma (,), a question mark (?) and or an exclamation mark (!). As the sentence continues after the dialogue and Michael simply said something, a comma should be used; like so.

    “Please do not repeat her name,” Michael said
    Another thing I noticed...

    "But Master Michael"
    When addresing someone, a comma should go before their name.

    "But, Master Michael"
    They were the only two recurring grammatical errors I noticed. Also, watch out for typos. Online, or downloadable, word programs help identify and correct typos; saving you a lot of time and effort. One last thing, "minuets" is spelled as "minutes". I noticed this spelled oddly in a few places, but it isn't too much of a big deal.

    You do have the heaps of grammar and, with a bit more work, I think it will be pretty good so I look forward to seeing awesome grammar in future :P.

    Length:

    Barely cutting it :X. You needed to have at least 10,000 characters; your story landed 10,323. It's suggested that Medium stories aim for the midway mark, unless it is really good. I'd have liked to see a bit more, but you still got there so good job.

    Battle:

    The only battle was the one in the prologue. T'was quite good and I could see what was happening in my head. I felt the battle could have been longer as it was only a paragraph in length. Battles aren't necessary, but if you're going to them, make them lengthy and detailed. And PLEASE seperate dialogue from the battle, or the battle will be nigh impossible to read. One final thing I recommend taking into account is the background. If they're in a Pokemon stadium-- Elite battles seem to all take place in these-- make sure to use it. When Garchomp hits into the ground, does dust spiral up into the air? If you go to the effort of creating background, use it. The battle was good, but the length and the restricted nature of it really let it down, I felt.

    Outcome:

    Despite the category being called Medium; a lot of work is still needed. I felt the story was fine, but nothing really special. The battle was a tad lackluster, the plot was a little slow and the grammar needs a bit of work still. The length was also quite short, unfortunately.

    I'm sorry to say, but Meditite not captured. If you have any questions, or when you're ready for a regrade IM/PM me. Make sure to keep edits in a different font, or something. Btw, please link me next chapter; I do see some promise in this and would like to read more.

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    Default Re: The Power of Sinnoh - (Comments are welcome)(Ready to Grade)

    Well, you did exactly what I recommended in fixing up the grammar, improving on the detail-- in particular with the introductory battle. I noticed you changed the capture to a Sandile, which is perfectly fine. So, Sandile Captured. Enjoy the little croc, but make sure to keep an eye on those typos, won't you?

    Gimme a holler when the next chapter is up. I want to see your progression on the characters and plot

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    Default Re: The Power of Sinnoh - (Comments are welcome)(Ready to Grade)

    Chapter 2: Dancing Poliwag


    Damien walked into the small cottage and sat down on the nearest couch. He placed his briefcase beside him and looked up at a couple of pictures on the fireplace. As he glanced over he noticed a familiar face appear. Damien quickly tighten his fist even more. That face, those memories. Then Damien looked up at the old women.

    "Tea?" The old women asked

    "No Thanks" Damien sharply replied

    Damien glanced across at a large painting hanging up on the wall. He stood up and walked over to examine the painting. It was a painting of three huge Pokemon hovering over some pillars. Damien raised his hand and placed it on the large painting before turning around and asking the women, "I am here to learn about the legends of Sinnoh, the legends that are in this picture"

    "I am sorry, I only tell to the people who are nice and kind towards me," the old women replied as she was sipping the tea she just made.

    Damien smirked and grabbed the old women by the throat and slammed her against the painting, the cup smashed against the floor and the hot liquid dissolved into the orange carpet. "I am not one to be messed with, tell me about the Legends."

    "Okay Okay, just release me" the old women said while choking. Damien lowered his arm and dropped the women on the floor. The old woman crashed against the floor, red liquid started to leak from her head, dripping down her wrinkly old face. Damien grabbed her arm and lifted her up to her feet. She cleared her throat before saying, “They are the three legendary Pokemon of Sinnoh. The one on the left is Dialga, the Temporal Pokémon, who is believed to govern the time dimension. On the right is Palkia, the Spatial Pokémon, who is believed to control the space dimension. The Pokemon in the middle is Giratina, the Renegade Pokémon, who is believed to rule the Distortion World,"

    "Yes, I know that, Just what has the painting got to do with it, It looks so real," Damien asked, intrigued by the painting before him


    "No I won’t say” the old women said try to stand up to Damien. Damien shrugged his shoulders and raised his fist again. Just as the fist was about to hit the old women said,
    “This painting is a reenactment of five years ago when a foolish man tried to create his own world. He was the leader of a group called Team Galactic, an organization that tried to create a new universe for themselves. This man was called Cyrus. After collecting the powers of the Lake Trio, Cyrus created a special chain called the Red Chain. It is said that the Red Chain summons Dialga and Palkia when it is put together. Cyrus, spurred on by the hope of a new universe, traveled to Spear Pillar, the place where both dimensions of Palkia and Dialga meet. Cyrus used the power of the Red Chain to summon both Pokemon and create his own universe,” The old women unwillingly replied. Damien lowered his fist and smiled.
    “That’s better, now how could one man control two legendaries at once?” Damien asked, anxious to find out the answer.

    “You see the power of the Red Chain also has the ability to control these Pokemon. They were forced to create his own universe, something that has never happened before. However Cyrus completely forgot about the third Pokemon, Giratina. When the dimensions of time and space collided, Giratina came up into the real world to see what was happening. After appearing into the main world, Cyrus was interested in Giratina and followed it back into the Distortion World. From then on, no one knows what happened to Cyrus. Some people think that he is still stuck in the Distortion World, others say that he escaped and is know living with a new identity.” replied the old women. She walked over to the couch and sat down and sipped her cup of tea. Damien however still stood up and kept staring at the large painting of the Legendary Pokemon, interested in the history behind the painting."

    The old women quickly turned around and hurried towards the kitchen. Damien shouted from the top of his voice "Could I have that tea now?"

    ***




    Michael slowly walked down the road examining the wildlife on both sides of the path. Beside him was his newly caught Sandile and trailing behind was his faithful companion Claydol. Michael grabbed his camera and began to take picture of the Pokemon running across the green grass. A flock of Pidove’s dispersed together as a small purple cat Pokemon started to sneak up on them from behind. He also noticed a pair of Pichu’s sitting together under a large oak tree, peacefully playing with a man-made ball. Michael smiled and said to both of his Pokemon “I think this is the best place to stop for lunch”

    Claydol quickly caught up with Michael and replied “Oh yes Master, what a brilliant idea” Joe flung his bag towards a small weeping willow tree and walked over it. He sat down beside the roots and opened the small gray rucksack. He removed a small box and placed it down on the grass. Sandile slowly sneaked up the box and shoved his large nose down the box. Michael quickly grabbed Sandile and said to him, “Wait a minute Sandile, you will get food. Patient” Sandile took a few steps back before slowly lying down on his stomach. Michael removed a large tartan coloured picnic blanket from his bag and placed it on the ground.

    After several minuets of setting up the food, Michael grabbed a small bowl and poured some PokeFood into it. He gave it to Sandile and watched as the small Crocodile Pokemon began to scoff the food down. Michael giggled before returning to his own food. As Michael picked up a large ham and cheese baguette, he noticed Claydol sitting beside the tree trunk looking out into the distance. Michael placed the baguette down and picked up a bowl of PokeFood and carried it over to Claydol. Claydol rotated his head and watched Michael walk towards him. Michael placed the bowl beside him and said “Sorry I forgot about you, here dig in,” Claydol smiled and started to slowly eat the PokeFood.

    Michael sat upright against the tree watching the pair of Pokemon tuck into their food. He looked down at his wrist and stared at the black bulky watch lying on his bare wrist. He read the time and date and then sighed. It was exactly three years after his brother had died. Michael started to recall the event, the tragic accident of his brother’s death.

    “You’re the worst brother ever, I hate you” I shouted towards the tall figure with long brown hair. I quickly turned around and dropped my small Pikachu doll, which was given to me by my father as soon as he passed away, onto the soft green grass. Forgetting about my doll, I ran into the house and slammed the door shut. From there on I looked through the window of the tall figure slowly walk towards the wooden gate that leads to a small path. I watched him walk down the path, cursing underneath my breath for what he did.

    Later during the day, I walked downstairs to find my mother crying. Sitting next to her where two men that I had never seen before. One was extremely tall and bald and the other short with a pair of black glasses on almost like he was trying to hide something. I was told that he died when a car didn’t see him cross the road and collided into him. He broke both of his legs and was called dead on the spot. I couldn’t listen anymore and I ran straight upstairs to my room and cried all day. The day before that he told me one thing that I cherish, “Practice, Practice make’s perfect”

    Michael looked up and noticed both Pokemon were fast asleep, under the shade of the grand oak tree. They had been on the road for some time and that sleep sounded like a good idea. Michael rested against the tree and slowly rested his eyes.

    ***



    He traced his finger around the image of Dialga and Palkia. He mumbled underneath his breath, “We will control the power of these Pokemon, we will” Damien quickly turned around and pocked his head around the corner. He watched the old women drop the sugar jar on the floor. Now was the time to act. Damien grabbed his hand and pulled up his sleeve revealing a large black watch. He pushed a button on the watch and raised it to his right ear and said “Base, this is Damien; I have fixed eyes on the subject. She has told me information about project ‘Red Chain’ and how it failed. What do you want me to do?”

    There was a moment of silence. Damien quickly glanced over his shoulder and watched as the old women started to stir the tea. Damien quickly tapped the watch and raised it to his ear again. Damien was startled as a deep voice boomed down the receiver. “Damien, bring her back to base. After I want to you travel to Pastoria City, you will receive more instructions down there. It would be advised you carry a Pokemon around with you, it will make you less suspicious”

    The silence appeared again, there was no command of ‘over’ just a cut transmission. Damien lowered his arm and rolled down his sleeve. He grabbed his suitcase and opened up a secret compartment at the bottom of the suitcase. Damien was told never to go into the secret compartment unless it was in an emergency or he was kidnapping someone. He grabbed a small needle with some thick light yellow liquid already prepared. He quickly placed it up his sleeve and shut the suitcase. As he shut his suitcase, the old women slowly walked into the room. She held the tea cup in her right hand and asked Damien, “Is that all, or do you want to hurt me even more, your an evil git that is what you are"

    With that Damien quickly removed the syringe from his sleeve and within a flash stabbed it into the back of her neck. He pressed hard on the top of the syringe and watched the thick yellow liquid enter her body. Within seconds the old women collapsed to the floor and the cup shattered as it made contact with the stone cold floor. Damien quickly checked her pulse and tried to lift the woman onto his shoulder. After failing several times he gave up and grabbed the collar of the old woman and dragged her towards the back door. On the way out he picked up his brown leather suitcase. A thick red liquid oozed out from the old women, trickling down the grooves in the stone floor.

    ***



    “Master, Master, do you think we should get moving,” Claydol asked Michael by slowly shoving his shoulder. Michael slowly opened his eyes and looked around. The picnic blanket was still here, the food was eaten. Michael must have felt asleep. He quickly stood up and walked over to his rucksack. He opened it up and checked if everything was there. He removed maps and water bottles until he noticed something. He quickly took a few steps away from the bag and frantically looked around the picnic site. At this moment Sandile slowly gave out a loud yawn and stretched his legs.

    “Where is it, where is it,” said a frustrated Michael.

    “What have you lost Master?” asked Claydol

    “My father left me a small crucifix when he left us. Apart from you, it’s the only thing that he has given me. I need to find it,” Michael replied as he lifted up the picnic blanket.

    “Wouldn’t it be best if we pack everything up and then start looking Master?” Claydol asked.

    “No it won’t, you don’t understand how precious this things is. It means the world to me. I must find it,” said Michael in an angry tone.

    Sandile however wasn’t listening in the conversation and started to walk off into the distance. After taking a few steps forward, Sandile noticed something in the distance. A gold gleam caught Sandile’s attention straight away. Sandile quickly hurried up and as it got closer to the sparkle began to see what is was. It suddenly stopped and started at the small blue Pokemon in front of him. A small golden chain hung from its neck and swung from left to right.

    “Polii,” cried the Pokemon before running away. Sandile suddenly thought that this Pokemon want to play and so started to chase after it.


    Back at the willow tree,

    “It looks like we are going to have to search the whole perimeter, I will take the North to South-East sector, and you will take the South-East sector to the South-West sector. Sandile will then finish the circle off by doing the South-West to the North sector. You got that?” Michael said to Claydol, after managing to cool down a bit.

    “Yes Master, but I cannot see Sandile, where did he go?” Claydol asked Michael.

    “Must I do everything on my own,” Michael muttered to himself as he began to walk over to where Sandile was. After realizing that Sandile was gone, Michael suddenly became very worried. It was only a baby Pokemon, who had gone through two trainers in his life, surely Michael was going to loose a new found Pokemon. “Sandile, Sandile where are you Sandile!” Michael shouted out loud. Today wasn’t a good for Michael.

    Suddenly in the distance a silhouette of a Sandile erupted into the air by a gush of water. Michael quickly acknowledged the airborne Sandile and raced towards where it came from. Michael powered through bushes and plants, determined to find his Sandile. Then Michael heard a familiar voice in the distance and started to shout, “I am coming boy, don’t worry,”

    Michael suddenly stopped when he reached a small lake surrounded by a wood. He looked ahead and noticed the shape of two Pokemon, one of them was Sandile; the other was the shape of a Poliwag with what looked like a chain around his neck. Michael quickly scampered over to both of the Pokemon and noticed that they were having a battle. It was a bit unusual that Pokemon would have a battle with a trainer’s Pokemon without the Trainer’s aid. Sandile looked very hurt where as the Poliwag was untouched. Sandile needed his trainer’s help. As Michael was about to give an order he noticed something around the Poliwag’s head. Michael looked closer and noticed the small golden cross. That was the same crucifix that he lost. Was this Poliwag a thief?

    “Alright Sandile, use Crunch,” Michael ordered to his Sandile.

    Sandile nodded and started to pick up some speed. Just as Sandile looked as he was about to hit into Poliwag, Sandile quickly leaped into the air and performed a front flip over the Poliwag. Sandile quickly turned around and clamped his large white teeth into the Poliwag’s tail.

    “Hang in there, Sandile,” Michael said.

    Poliwag began to run around trying to get this Sandile off its tail. Sandile however had over ideas and listened to its trainer and held he grip. However Poliwag had an idea to remove the clamped Sandile. The Poliwag started to run towards the lake surface thinking that Sandile will release its teeth. Michael quickly began to think in his mind about what to do. Michael had no option but to just order his Sandile to release the Poliwag. However just as Michael was about to say something, the Poliwag accidentally slipped over sending the Sandile flying into the water.

    Michael couldn’t believe what had happened and wondered weather the Poliwag wanted that to happen or not. Sandile was now panicking in the water. He was slowly drowning. Michael quickly leaped into the lake and swam towards the stranded Sandile. The water was cold and slowly seeped through Michaels clothes. The weight of the clothes didn’t help the matter either; it was like swimming and pulling a rock at the same time. Michael quickly grabbed Sandile and placed it on his head so it was out of the water. This wasn’t something Michael saw him self doing today, swimming in a lake to save his Sandile which was battling a Poliwag which had stolen his crucifix his father gave him.

    Michael slowly reached the shore and Sandile quickly jumped on the land. Michael struggled to get out of the water however suddenly he felt himself hovering over the water. A small pink aura surrounded him and then he was dropped onto the ground. Michael looked up and noticed that Claydol had saved him. With the energy he could muster, Michael said to Claydol, “Thanks a lot you really are a true friend.”


    Michael slowly stood up and returned to the battle. It looked like most of the time Michael was swimming and saving Sandile, Poliwag had been dancing around like it was some sort of entertainment. Michael shacked his hair so that it was reasonably dry and said to his Sandile, “Use Crunch one more time, but this time don’t hold on”

    Sandile grinned and started to generate speed again. However this time Sandile did not leap on Poliwag but just simply dived at it with his fangs showing. The bright white teeth of Sandile sunk into the skin of Poliwag and quickly withdrew them before taking a few steps back. It looked like Poliwag was dealt some serious damage there but it wasn’t injured enough to flee the battle. Poliwag opened its mouth and generated a powerful blast of water directly towards Sandile. Sandile closed his eyes and hoped that the damage wouldn’t be too bad.

    However the move totally missed and hit Michael, who was to the side of Sandile. Michael could feel the power behind the attack and was sent flying through the air until he smacked into a small tree trunk in the distance. Sandile watched this and then suddenly turned around to the dancing Poliwag. Sandile opened his wide mouth and produced a ring of sharp hard rocks. Within sequence, Sandile fired each stone one after the other. The stones zoomed through the air and hit Poliwag. One of the stones hit Poliwag off balance and sent it on its back. The Poliwag quickly rolled right back onto his feet, it looked like it was going to take more than a few Crunches and Stone Edges to hurt this Pokemon.

    Michael slowly got up and rubbed his head. He removed his hand and noticed a dark red substance on his hand. After whipping his head he slowly returned to the battle. When he got close he noticed that the Poliwag was standing back on its feet. Michael quickly glanced down at Sandile and noticed a few sweat drops trickle down its scaly body. Sandile was looking even more tired now, Michael had had to act quickly or else the battle was nearly over.

    “Sandile, use Hidden Power,” Michael bellowed to his Sandile.

    As Michael said that, the small desert crocodile started to open his mouth wide. There in the middle of his mouth was a small yellow orb. Suddenly the small yellow orb started to increase; it gradually got larger and larger until the point where the orb was too big for Sandile’s mouth. Eventually Sandile fired the yellow orb towards the dazing Poliwag. As the orb was in mid-air, it started to emit some few sparks. Michael knew exactly what type this hidden power was. After a capturing him, Michael started to train the small crocodile Pokemon up. During those hard, exhausting training sessions, Michael understood what Sandile’s hidden power was, and it was times like these that it would be grateful to him.

    The small yellow orb was fired, at a blistering speed, through the air and eventually smacking into the wild Poliwag. The small tadpole was sent flying into the air, like a baby Ducklett learning to fly for the first time. The Poliwag quickly glided closer to the ground and within seconds of taking off, it crashed into the dirt field. A dirt cloud covered the body of Poliwag. Michael quickly rushed over to the injured Poliwag. As Michael was about to approach the injured Poliwag, it slowly got up onto its feet and gently stumbled over towards Michael. The small Poliwag rubbed his head against Michael’s leg. A tiny sparkle caught Michael’s eye, the sight of the crucifix hanging down from Poliwag body. As Michael quickly removed the crucifix, Claydol suddenly hovered next to him and said, “Master, I get the impression that this young Poliwag wants to follow you.”

    Michael smiled and bent down so it was nearly face to face. Michael said to the Poliwag “Want to join us? I am sure you will enjoy being with us.”

    ***



    It was night and the moonlight glimmered through the dark sky. Damien looked down at elderly old woman, who was being dragged through thorn bushes and rocks. In the distance a small black jeep awaited Damien. The sound of the night was so quiet, and the only noise was the scrunching of Damien’s feet on the pebbles and sound of the old women being dragged. Her touch was cold like death itself, Damien quickly stopped and bent down and placed his large thumb on the neck of the old woman. He was right, she was as cold as a winter in Russia. Damien needed her alive or else the mission would have been a failure. Damien tried to pick her up one last time and raised her to his shoulders. He left his suitcase on the floor and walked towards the black jeep. As soon as Damien was near the van, he gave a signal to the driver. The driver immediately opened the door and rushed towards the old woman. He took her off Damien shoulder and dragged her towards the back of the Pick-Up Truck. Damien grinned and turned around to where he left his suitcase. He picked up the brown leather suitcase and slowly walked towards the passenger’s seat. As soon as he arrived the midnight black tinted window slowly lowered down and revealed a tall mysterious bold man.

    “The Women is in the back, currently she is out cold but give her some time and she will come around,” Damien said to the man. Just as Damien was about to walk off, he turned around and said to the man. “She likes tea by the way.”

    “Thanks, the Boss wanted me to give you this, It might help you,” said the tall bold man as he handed over a small red and white ball. Damien snatched the ball and released the Pokemon inside. The bright white flash illuminated the dark night and a small bipedal lizard-like Pokémon stood before Damien. It large beady eyes pinned onto the large golden head. The thick red scaly belly stands out from the yellow coloured body and the thin piece of skin covering the bottom half of its body. The Pokemon quickly pulled up the skin forming some sort of shield from attacks. However moments later it fell down to its original position.

    “That Pokemon is Scraggy, a Pokemon not found in Sinnoh. The boss has imported it from another region called Unvoa. Look after it Damien,” the tall mysterious bald man said before winding up the window. The car drove off into the distance and Damien stood there with a small lizard like Pokemon standing beside him. Damien turned around and looked at the Scraggy and said, “So you’re Scraggy”

    With no reply Scraggy forced his head into the side of Damien’s leg, causing pain for Damien.

    Damien smiled before saying, "You remind me of a little brother I had"


    Bold is for regrading purposes
    Last edited by -Apollo-; 1st May 2011 at 03:12 PM.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: The Power of Sinnoh - (Chapter 2 is up)(Ready to Grade)

    Nitty Gritty Things:

    Target Pokemon: Poliwag (Simple), Scraggy (Medium)
    Estimated Length: 15k - 30k
    Actual Length: 21,132
    Last edited by -Apollo-; 23rd April 2011 at 03:49 AM.

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    Default Re: The Power of Sinnoh - (Chapter 2 is out)(Ready to Grade)

    Claimed.

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    Default Re: The Power of Sinnoh - (Chapter 2 is out)(Ready to Grade)

    Introduction:

    There was a nice transition between the ending of the first chapter and then the beginning of the second chapter; it was like just a regular scene switch so that the reader could easily pass on from one chapter to the next without becoming distracted. Straight from the beginning the reader sees a completely different side to this mysterious man, Damien-- a dark, merciless side in the way he grabs the old woman by the throat after almost no provocation. It also helps create a tense and surprisingly-dark atmosphere that seems to shadow this character.

    From the intro Damien, and also the reader learn more about these three mysterious Pokemon-- unless of course they have played any of the Sinnoh games, then they should really know all of this. This may also spark an interest in the reader regarding why Damien is so adamant on knowing about these three Pokemon. Then, in the last paragraph you make a stab of humour.

    "Can I have that tea now?"
    That brought a grin to my face, but, it also reinforces how moody Damien is and how quickly and erratically his moods seem to change. So, that's a bit of action, character development and humour from the introduction alone. Not bad, but there was something that was a little off-putting, something evident throughout this story as a matter of fact.

    There seemed to be breaks when telling this stories. By that I mean some of the sentences didn't exactly flow as well as they could have and you could have even slotted some more sentences inbetween them. Here's a pretty good example of what I mean

    Damien lowered his arm and dropped the women on the floor. She slowly stumbled onto her legs and walked towards the picture.
    Alright, first things first. The strength of a man hurling a feeble elderly woman to the floor would be pretty dire and I doubt she'd be conscious, let alone jumping right up to her feet right away. You choose to do that, which is fair enough, but you got to make that work with your story. First off, you should be describing the fall-- did the elderly woman's arm attempt to protect her face from the impact, did her leg twist as she stumbled, did she see her whole life flash before her eyes? Next, on the floor. Could see smell the musty odour of the carpet invading her nose, was it scratching against her cheek, did she lose feeling somewhere in her body? Finally is when she is rising. Was it a struggle, or was the drive to protect her home from this intruder enough to bring her up to her feet? Gotta elaborate on these kinda things.

    Plot:

    Like with the first chapter, there seemed to be two plots going on simultaneously; Michael going on his adventure, and Damien discovering more about the rare Legendary Pokemon. 'Cause there are two plots more or less, I'm gonna treat them like that.

    Now, Michael's plot was rather basic indeed. He loses his father's special crucifix, finds the Poliwag thief, befriends it, blah, blah, blah. It was just so plain and lacking excitement, or anything new. I've seen this kind of plot so many times and it really just starts to bore you when you see it so often. It's not original, or even very exciting. I know this is for a Simple 'mon but that doesn't mean the plot can be so simple and minimalistic. It kind of was a let-down after Reading the really cool introduction and I just lost interest in Michael and co. I think if you want to keep the reader's attention you will have to spice it up a notch or two. The more original and drastic things are-- as long as it is within reason, the better. I really expect to see a lot more from Michael's half in the next chapter.

    Now, the other subplot, is pretty darn badass. This mysterious man Damien just seems to get more reckless and fearless as this chapter progresses. You had some pretty interesting ideas that you worked really well with him (read: the syringe incident), and things were just way more consistent and dark. I'd like to see more time devoted to Damien and his mysterious friends aswell as find out more about their motives and what not, just remember to keep that suspenseful and mysterious manner that follows him. You told me on AIM that things will get a lot darker soon and even hinted at a murder of one on of the characters. I think that could really help excite things up in chapter three.

    Damien's subplot is far better than Michael's one, and it's actually interesting. I advise having something interesting happen with Michael's as soon as possible, but there was still a lot of development done on the plot in contrast with the first chapter, so good job with it.

    Length:

    16,000 characters is a great length to aim for for two Simple Pokemon.

    Spelling and Grammar:

    First up, I have to say is "Old Women" shouldn't be capatilised and should be woman when in the singular. It should read "old woman" for the numerous times you said it.

    "Yes I know that, Just what is the painting got to do with it, it looks so real" Damien replied, intrigued about the painting before him.
    There's a few problems with this paragrpah. I'll break this sentence up for ease of understanding it better, 'kay?

    There should be a comma after "Yes". I also recommend ending the sentence after "that", like so.

    "Yes, I know that."
    "Just" should only be capitalised now that it is at the start of a sentence because it is not a person, place or thing. "Is" should be replaced with "has" in this context.That sentence is a question so it should end with a question mark aswell.

    Just what is has the painting got to do with it?
    "It" should now become capitalised as it is at the start of a sentence. There should be a comma at the end of when Damien is speaking and "about" doesn't quite fit there. I'd replace it with "by".

    It looks so real," Damien replied, intrigued about by the painting before him.
    “How could one man control two legendaries at once?” Damien said with an intriguing voice.
    Seeing as how Damien is asking a question and not saying it, I'd replace "said" with "asked", "intriguing" should also be "intrigued" because this is in the past tense.

    stabbed it in the back of her neck.
    Replace "in" with "into" because he didn't stab it inside her neck :p

    “Hang in there Sandile,” Michael said.
    When adressing a person or animal/Pokemon you use a comma before their name. I saw a few instances with this, so watch out for them

    “Hang in there, Sandile,” Michael said.
    There were some other things, such as random capitalisation and minor typos, but there isn't much point listing all of them. This section was good but it still needs more work. There's a big improvement from the first chapter.

    Detail:

    There were places where the detail and description was really good and the words suited with what you writed, but there were other places that could've appreciated detail, was lacking in detail.

    The black tinted window slowly lowered down and revealed a tall bold man.
    Right, you got the description in in this line but it doesn't really work with the story. Having two descriptive words side-by-side is generally a no-go unless they ,esh really well together. Also, those words are real basics varients. Using stronger words like black, inky, raven, midnight could be substituted in this case, along with many others. I'm not too sure what you mean by bold here either. If you're describing what he looks like it is probably best to leave the personality description for another paragraph/sentence.

    Hey, look, this part's bold so check it out. Okay, you really should try and use the five senses to help your writing relate to the reader. All of them can, and should, be used throughout most stories. Ask me through PM or on AIM if you need help with this 'cause it's very important.

    Battle:

    The battle was rather short, consisting of just two Crunch's and some sort of tossing attack done by Poliwag. Although it was far too short for my liking, it was actually pretty good. You did a good job in how you described what both of the Pokemon done and it was layed out pretty well too-- seperating the paragraphs rather well between speech and the attacks. The moves and combo attacks weren't exactly very creative or exciting, but they served their function. I would elaborate on this more but the grade is quite long for two Simple 'mons and I don't want to bore you too much.

    Realism:

    Poliwag isn't purple! It's an aquamarine colour or, eh, blue would do. The whole incident with the elderly woman being knocked to the ground and then rising to her feet immediately is a little unbelievable but it's still plausible.

    Outcome:

    There was notable improvement between the two chapters, but the grammar and detail sections kind of hurt the story, let alone Michael's part of the plot. But, you did quite a lot so I'm going to say Poliwag captured! The second Poliwag was only mentioned at the end, and very briefly, and there were areas that needed improvement so second Poliwag not captured.

    As always, any comments or concerns, just feel free to talk to me about it on AIM or through PM.

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    Default Re: The Power of Sinnoh - (Chapter 2 is out)(Ready to Grade)

    Okay, you fixed up what I asked of you but I want you to bear in mind that it's perfectly fine to go for another Pokemon if the first one fails, as far as I'm aware. Seeing as how you upgraded in rank by going for a Medium 'mon, it does require an even higher standard yet again. All in all, the areas should be quite strong and you should be doing some unique or clever things. I'm going to let you have the Scraggy 'cause you did what I asked, but bear in mind that you'll need to work hard if you want Pokemon in higher ranks AND definitely re-read your work. Enjoy :)

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