Poliwag and the Torch of Friendship
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  1. #1

    Default Poliwag and the Torch of Friendship

    Poliwag and the Torch of Friendship
    Writing for: Vulpix and Poliwag
    15-30k characters

    “Come on, Poliwag! I don’t want to be late!” Vulpix exclaimed, dashing down the worn path towards the tiny group of huts they called a town. It was a beautiful day in the city of Pokeopia, where the skies were always clear and the Pokemon ran free. The little red-brown fox scampered down the road, clearly excited to be off. She sniffed the air, taking in the fresh smell of the flowers and trees. It was a very special day in Pokeopia today; it was finally the day of the Spring Festival! Pokemon all around waited for the whole year for it, the best time of all; this was when a huge party was thrown in Poketown Square. Vulpix loved the festival most of all; she was going to be lighting the Torch of Friendship, the most important item in all the land. She could not be late; this was serious stuff!

    “I’m coming, calm yourself, Vulpix.” Poliwag replied, hopping out the door of their tiny shelter. He was a fairly good looking tadpole, with an admirable spiral upon his belly and a smile always on his lips. The Poliwag was happy to live with his friend; they had known each other for longer than either of them could remember, and although she didn’t know it, Poliwag had always fancied her. It was something about those six maroon tails that blew him away, and that little tuft of hair on her head that was just so perfectly combed…it was amazing. Clearing his head of all these strange thoughts, the little tadpole pokemon joined his companion in their walk, side by side. Poliwag pulled out his map, placing it on a flat rock as he beckoned Vulpix to join him.

    “It looks like we have to pass a bridge, then pass through the forest and trek the valley and finish here,” he said, pointing at a huge dot in the map. The region was not particularly big; Pokeopia was the biggest town around, and it wasn’t too big either. However, neither of them could waste a minute, so they rolled up the map and took off. It was a rather long walk as well, with many fierce obstacles. The duo didn’t usually come to the city, except for the Spring Festival; it was the only time when they were ever seen in the area. As the two were walking, Poliwag slowly got closer and closer, their bodies almost touching. He was about to tell her something so vitally important that her entire concentration was needed. Turning to tell her, he began his speech.

    “Vulpix…will you-“ he said, but she had already scampered off. He followed her quietly, finally realizing why she had left. They had been walked past a little hill, but what they hadn’t noticed was two Bidoof fighting over a female. They butted heads as the female Bidoof stood off to the side, looking fairly confused as to what was going on. Realizing that they hadn’t said anything cohesive since the journey had begun, Poliwag began to speak up.

    “So…what’s up, Vulpix?” he asked, in a manner that could only be described as rather awkward. He stopped abruptly, shaking back and forth on his newly-grown feet. This wasn’t the smartest idea; this made him fall to the ground, wobbling his tiny feet as he blushed furiously. Vulpix chose this one moment to turn around, seeing her companion trying to roll over on his back. She walked back over to him, trying to hide her giggles.
    “I’m sorry Poliwag, do you need some help?” Vulpix asked, sounding actually sincere. She nudged his side with her nose, trying to get him up. He accepted her gesture with gratitude, still blushing like a small animal. She brought him back up, and they walked on. The two had picked a great day to go out; the flowers were all in bloom and the gentle breeze blew through, calming any sense of overheating. Poliwag turned to face Vulpix, preparing to face his fears. He had known her all his life; how hard could one simple question be? He liked her, and that was a fact! This was the perfect time to say it anyways. Taking in a deep breath, Poliwag tapped his crush lightly on the shoulder.

    “Yes?” she answered sweetly, completely expecting what was coming. She sat on the ground, seeming as if she had known this all along. Poliwag jumped near her, sitting next to her as they admired the surroundings.

    “Vulpix…I-“ he started, before yelping in pain. The fire-type leaped up to her feet in surprise, looking back at her friend. He had a razor sharp leaf stuck in his back, still lying on the ground. Scanning the area for the culprit, she let out a fierce growl of anger. To their left, they could see a tall tree covering up a small grass reptile, who batted its leaf-shaped tail against the ground as it sat. It was Snivy, the archenemy of the two. He was always causing mischief, trying to separate the two friends. It was said that he had a crush on Vulpix as well; this was possible, but he sure did express it in a weird way.

    “What do you want Snivy, and why did you just hit my friend?” she responded viciously, biting back some harsher words that probably didn’t belong in her mouth. The smug-looking creature came up to Vulpix, cutting a rose with his powerful claws. He stuck it in his mouth before talking, looking like some strange character out of a bad French TV show.

    “Ahh, mademoiselle! You are looking so…zee fine, they say?” he said, obviously faking his accent. He twisted the rose in his mouth, then turned to see Vulpix walking back towards the injured Poliwag. Not looking too happy, he began to trail her. She would not turn back, but he seemed as if he really wanted to tell her something.

    “Madame! We were not…how you say, done? We were going to faire l’amour!” he called out, but she had already left him. She thought that he had been long gone, but apparently he had much greater plans for her.

    “Poliwag, get up!” she cried out, smacking him gently with her paw. He got up, still looking rather sore. He stretched his back, looking better already. She lifted him back up, bringing them well on their way towards Poke-town Square. They came across a bridge, and Poliwag smiled; he had seen it on the map, and knew that they were getting much closer. It was not going to be much longer before they were there!
    However, Snivy really did not want to give up. He sneaked ahead of the traveling duo, reaching the bridge long before they did. He peered his head in the water, seeking out his buddy. Whispering quietly, a devious plan was quickly formed. Gasping for air, Snivy ran back into the forest. He hid behind a large shrub, hoping that the two traveling twits would fall for his trap. At this point, he didn’t even care about the festival or any other reason why he had thought of these things. When Vulpix had turned him down, she had made this into a personal fight.

    The traveling team finally reached the bridge, Vulpix exhausted from carrying Poliwag the whol way. She finally let him down, knowing that he would enjoy the water. They saw that the bridge was merely a few feet long, just a small convenience to cross the river. Poliwag dove into the water, assuming that Vulpix would simply take the bridge. He was splashing around, having a wonderful time when he looked back to the bridge and saw a tiny fish Pokemon, who seemed to be preparing to jump. Its tiny green body didn't match with its huge bulging eyes, which almost distracted Poliwag from the horrific events that were about to happen.“What could he be doing?” Poliwag wondered to himself, before realizing who was about to cross.

    “Wait, Vulpix! Don’t go! There’s a-“ he tried to say, then realized he was underwater. Paddling furiously with his miniscule feet, he reached the land just a second too late. The Remoraid leaped high in the air, preparing a stream of water in its mouth as it did so. It spotted Vulpix, letting its projectile fly as it tackled into her. She gave a shriek of surprise before falling into the water, the fast currents quickly dragging her away. Poliwag went back into the water without a single thought, chasing after the fire-fox like a wild animal. Finally catching up to her, he pushed his head against her body, lifting her higher and higher until…

    “Pfff!” Vulpix said, spitting the water out. She shook her fur out, licking places that had gotten worse damage than others. Poliwag awkwardly watched on, then realized what he was doing and tried to make some conversation. However, it seemed as though Remoraid was not done with his plan. The fish got onto land, looking as if it wanted to battle.

    “I can handle this,” Poliwag said. He waddled up towards the Remoraid before Vulpix could even object. She knew that this was a pride thing; he was a man, after all. She went back to cleaning her fur, keeping one eye on the battle as to make sure he didn’t get too badly hurt AGAIN.

    Poliwag started it off, using one of the only moves he knew. He wasn’t the greatest battler, but he really couldn’t let Vulpix down. Running up towards the Remoraid, he turned mid-step and slapped it across the face with his tail, repeating this multiple times. It was a DoubleSlap, and Poliwag’s family was certainly known for packing a punch with his move. Remoraid took some damage, but certainly was not yet down for the count. He opened his mouth again, preparing to use a move of his own.

    A psychic beam quickly arose from his mouth, hurtling towards Poliwag in a very strange manner. It seemed to be convulsing wildly as it came towards him, making Poliwag believe it was merely a Hypnosis. However, on closer inspection he realized that some painful waves were floating off of it, like the sound of nails on a chalkboard pounding his brain. He struggled a little bit before picking himself back up, not wanting to let Vulpix down. He swept the dirt off his back with his tail, thinking about how he would do this.

    Poliwag remembered his idea in a flash, preparing himself as he did so. The move was an intricate one; he did not know why he knew it, but it had proved to be very useful in times before. Poliwag opened his huge mouth, filling it with some mud. He charged it up, forming it into tiny little balls of mud. Remoraid flinched; he knew that he did not like mud, and this attack looked like it was going to hurt even more than his Psybeam. The tadpole Pokemon quickly proved this to be true, shooting them in large bullets towards the fish. They rocketed violently towards the scared little fish Pokemon, who didn't look very happy at all. Remoraid tried to dodge, but the attack was coming at him way too fast for him to do anything.

    They pounded into his side, barraging him in a torrent of pain. The Remoraid cried in pain, realizing that he had no reason to keep battling. Snivy had not given him anything, and he had already done everything the nefarious grass-type told him to. Dashing away, it leaped back in the water and disappeared, swimming far downstream. Poliwag grinned as he approached Vulpix, who looked quite impressed for once. She usually made some jokes about how clumsy he was, but she actually looked sincere for once.

    “Nice battling, Poliwag!” she exclaimed, joining him as they began to cross the bridge. It was not a wide bridge, and the two could barely squeeze together side by side. Their tails grazed, and both Pokemon began to blush. They each turned to face each other, and yet again Poliwag began to tell her about how he felt.

    “Vulpix…I-“ he started, but she was actually looking behind him. The sun was just reaching the highest point in the sky, and the festival was going to be starting soon. She broke their gaze by running off, talking to him as she did so. The fire-type certainly didn’t want to wait; she knew that if she was late by just a single minute, they would replace her with that snotty Darumaka from across the city. Darumaka was a big bully that had been raised in the royal family, but was obviously not worthy of the title.

    “Hurry Poliwag, we have to go! I don’t want Darumaka taking my place!” she called out, forcing him to join her. They ran through the deep woods, climbing over tree roots and avoiding a deadly nest of Beedrill. The duo kept walking, looking a bit disheartened; it seemed as if the foliage would never end! They continued on until they finally reached a crossroad, with six paths surrounding them. Vulpix mumbled something under her breath, obviously not happy with the detour. Poliwag tried to cheer her up, walking to the middle of the intersection as he began to speak.

    “Come on, Vulpix! This won’t take too much time at all, we can just go this way!” he exclaimed, blowing some bubbles towards the path to their left. The fox didn’t look so sure, but she had no better plan. Sighing deeply, she joined her companion as they followed Poliwag’s bubbles. The trail was long and winding, with many wildflowers guiding the way. Little did they know that Pidgey was following them, watching them carefully. Finally reaching a stop, the two gasped in surprise to realize that they were once again at the crossroad!

    “Oh no!” they exclaimed simultaneously, then realized that panicking wouldn't do anything. They chose another path, but yet again the same thing happened. Poliwag shook his head as he tried to decide on a way to go, but they were so lost that neither of them knew what to do. Looking again, they realized that the Rattata and the Sentrets were not actually following the path. The fire and water types watched as the normal Pokemon darted in once certain direction, totally ignoring the crossroads. There was no doubt in their mind that Snivy had already been there; why else would there be a fake pathway?


    Finally getting out, Vulpix and Poliwag breathed a sigh of relief. The forest was Pidgey’s home; they would never leave it just to bother a couple Pokemon. However, there was one more obstacle in their way; the great PokeValley. It was not very big, but they said that many dangerous Pokemon lurked in its depths. Vulpix gulped before entering it, hoping that Snivy had not been there yet.

    Sadly for them, he had. The devious grass snake had already summoned one of his most powerful friends, and he was just outside waiting for them. The monster was tall, fast, and strong; the most powerful combination of all. Poliwag and Vulpix took only a second to show up before they were ambushed, the Ninjask radiating power. Its large white wings and bright eyes scared them both, and as the menacing Pokemon got closer they could see splatters of blood on its arms. Its golden and silver armor reflected the light as a devilish grin grew upon his face. Vulpix screamed as their enemy sharpened its claws, coming in for the kill. However, with just a second of thinking Poliwag realized what he should do. Closing his eyes, the little water-type began to perform one of his best moves. A hypnotic wave of energy came from his mouth, headed straight for Ninjask. The wave quickly changed colors and shape as it blew into the Bug Pokemon, hitting him with an abrupt drop. Vulpix looked on in wonder, impressed with what powers her friend had.

    “Yes!” Poliwag cried, and the two travelled through the canyon with no problems at all. Sure it was dark, but they were used to that! Marching along at a great pace, the duo passed their next checkpoint with incredible ease. Finally, the town of Pokeopia was in sight; this was it!

    “And we’re on time, too,” Vulpix replied, seeming to know what Poliwag was thinking. He blushed as he realized that she had some psychic powers too; did she know what he was thinking about before? Before he could ask, their final task arrived.

    “No French accent this time, it’s just me and you,” Snivy said, the rose in his mouth looking dead and dry. He waved his arms back and forth, walking towards Vulpix at an incredible pace. He knocked Poliwag out of his way, hitting the poor tadpole onto the side as Vulpix gasped in surprise. . She had no idea what he was planning to do to her, and she frankly did not want to know at all. Preparing to fight, she ruffled her fur and prepared an attack.

    “Get away from me!” she cried, opening her mouth as she released an Ember. The yellow-red flames flew towards Snivy in a steady stream, but he was too fast. Deftly avoiding it, he countered with an attack of his own. His arms twisted in strange contortions as he gathered leaves from all around, which spun around his body in a rather strange manner. It was a Leaf Tornado, his signature move; and it looked like it was really going to pack a punch. The leaves contorted into a spiral, creating a blast of wind and razor sharp grass. The storm of foliage slowly made its way towards Vulpix, who was not quite sure what was coming towards her. She didn’t move but was decimated by the attack, blowing back. Snivy laughed as she tried to get back up, looking quite tired.

    “Feeling tired? You don’t deserve to go light that torch,” he said, kicking dust on her. Turning his attention to Poliwag, he spat on the ground. Jogging up to the tadpole, he quickly unleashed a powerful Slam. Snivy’s tiny but heavy body barreled into Poliwag as the water-type grunted in pain, his face sore from Snivy’s battering.However, Vulpix certainly wasn’t done yet. She opened her mouth yet again, this time releasing a different kind of fire. A bunch of firey orbs released from her mouth, flying everywhere. Snivy gasped in surprise as it penetrated his skin, taking serious pain. He would not admit it, but he was really hurt. At this point, he did not care about strategy.

    “I’ll kill you!” he said, obviously enraged. His hands went up as he slapped her to and fro, not letting her open her mouth for long enough to release an attack. Violently kicking her legs, she flailed in desperation but could not escape. Luckily Poliwag had awakened, and saw his friend in trouble. He jumped to her aid, opening his mouth for a powerful Bubble attack. A stream of iridescent water spheres popped out of his mouth, flowing as they sparkled in the light. It was rather honestly a show move, but it would be good enough to distract Snivy. At this point, he knew that he couldn’t injure the grass-type, only distract him for long enough so that Vulpix could get in some damage. Snivy took the attack with no trouble at all, but the time he had wasted was just enough time for Vulpix to charge up her powers. A flow of fire twisted towards him in a deathly Fire Spin attack, confusing him greatly. How would he know where to go? Sadly, he had taken too long to think, and the Fire Spin took him down. The unhappy Poliwag marched up to him, shooting a stream of mud at the evildoer The duo celebrated before looking at the sky, realizing that they were about to miss the festival. With a gasp of surprise, they took off, sprinting towards the town as they hoped that they had not missed it.

    “Good day, citizens! Today is finally the day of the Spring Festival!” a stout-looking Scizor announced, gathering a large crowd around him. His short claws clasped the microphone as he ruffled his clear wings, trying to attract attention. Flashing his metallic red body, the Pokemon did not look very happy. Pokemon of all shapes and sizes looked on as he turned his attention towards the fire pit, which was still stained soot-black from previous years. However, Vulpix was not there yet; what was he to do?

    “It appears our torch-lighter is not here yet, we will just give her a second…” Scizor said quietly, hoping that no one would notice. A murmur of discrepancy fell through the crowd, and he was quickly growing nervous. He was about to make another announcement when a Darumaka got up from the crowd, standing up on the stage. She was wearing two bright pink ribbons in her hair, and looked rather prissy indeed. It was Darumaka, the heiress to the royal family. She was just about to light the torch, and Scizor knew he could not stop her.

    “Wait!” Vulpix called out, running towards the square. Poliwag was just behind her, but at that moment he decided that he should tell her how he felt before she got up. Trying to stop her, he realized that she would miss her moment to shine if he did it now.

    “Vulpix… I…..” he started, but his friend was already going for the stage. Darumaka closed her mouth, charging a powerful Ember attack as Vulpix leapt up on stage, trying to let her own Ember fly before it was too late…

    Last edited by White Knight; 4th December 2011 at 01:00 PM.

    Thanks Pokemon Trainer Sarah!

  2. #2

    Default Re: Poliwag and the Torch of Friendship

    Introduction:

    Not bad of a start at all. You introduced both the main characters of Poliwag and Vulpix and you had some hefty detail on both so the reader wasn’t wondering what the pair looked like.

    Two things that I liked that you did here were the senses aspect of the detail and the little bit of the friendship between the characters. To start with the detail part, you talked about what kind of day it was but you also talked above the smell of the air. I like it when authors use the senses to describe things because it adds an extra dimension to the story. You could have described the scent beyond ‘fresh’, but it’s good enough for Pokemon of this rank. The other part of the characters is that Poliwag seems to be pining for the attention of his [best] friend of Vulpix. This adds some interpersonal dynamics to the story if the author would continue to explore the relationship.


    Plot:

    Your typical Pokemon journey as seen countless times. However, the little obstacles and the dynamics between the three characters added some ‘character and depth’ to the story that if were missing would make this boring.

    Now, this biggest problem I have with this story is length, it should have been longer. Especially towards the end, it felt like you rushed things anxious to get to the end. The battles, which came more common at the end, were done in only a few moves and that greatly added to the rushed feeling. For example, the Ninjask battle consisted of one move. The remoraid of only two three moves. The Snivy battle was much the same way. If you would have took more time to flush out the battle it would have created a great ending coupled with the lighting ceremony. But, it felt forced, and to me ruined the ending.

    You did the same thing to the forest section and the valley section of the story near the end. They were so brief and not at all relating to the story that you didn’t really need them. You could have simply said the pair passed through the areas or you could have done more detail about what the place looked like and how they were harassed.

    He knocked Poliwag out of his way, hitting the poor tadpole onto the side as Vulpix cowered in fear. She had no idea what he was planning to do to her, and she frankly did not want to know at all. Preparing to fight, she ruffled her fur and prepared an attack.
    ~ You have two contrasting actions here in terms of what Vulpix is doing. First, she is cowering in fear from the Snivy rival, but a sentence later she is preparing to fight the battle. If you wanted to portray a sense of fear or foreboding in the Vulpix, it would have worked better if an emotion was used instead of an action.


    Grammar:

    Semicolon usage: you used it a lot. I only spotted a few times were you used incorrectly, so I’m not going to bug you about that aspect. But the problem I have it that you use it too much in the story. A semicolon should not be something that is commonly seen in a story, a period should be used unless it would look just plain wrong or for some other grammatical reason.

    She sniffed the air, taking in the fresh smell of {} It was a very special day in Pokeopia today; it was finally the day of the Spring Festival!
    ~ Looks like you are missing another ‘it’ plus a period at this part.

    “I’m coming, calm yourself[,] Vulpix.”
    ~ You need a comma here because you are addressing the Vulpix.


    She had been raised in the royal family, but was obviously not worthy of the title.
    ~ This comes when Vulpix is wanting to get to the city first so Darumaka wouldn’t get to light the torch instead of her. The problem is that the ‘she’ in this sentence is very vague as to who you are referring to.

    “Hurry Poliwag, we have to go! I don’t want Darumaka talking my place!”
    ~ You have ‘talking’ instead of ‘taking’. You had a couple such errors, not too grievous, but you need to keep any eye on them because too many can ruin a story.

    A hypnotic wave of energy came from his mouth, headed straight for Ninjask. It hit him with an abrupt drop, falling to the ground.
    ~ Second part of the sentence needs to be redone as the execution of the word placement is poorly done. It should e something: it hit him abruptly, dropping the Pokemon to the grassy floor.

    She didn’t move but was decimated by the attack, blowing back.
    ~ Same problem as the sentence above, word placement here is causing a problem. Apply what was said above to here; if you want further help just ask me.

    Description:

    This was like a see-saw. In some places the detail was pretty good and I had no trouble with visualization. But in other spots it was completely lackluster.

    He jumped to her aid, opening his mouth for a powerful Bubble attack. It didn’t seem to injure the grass-type much; this was understandable, but it was just enough time for Vulpix to charge up her powers.
    ~ Here’s a bad example, you just said he used Bubble, but you never showed the reader what happened. If you have battles you need to describe the attacks.

    The yellow-red flames flew towards Snivy in a steady stream, but he was too fast.
    ~ Here’s an opposite example of the one above. Here, you described the Ember. It was intricate or detail filled but it got the job done, and that’s all you need.

    A hypnotic wave of energy came from his mouth, headed straight for Ninjask. It hit him with an abrupt drop, falling to the ground.
    ~ Another spot where you told the reader instead of showing them. Showing is always better than telling.

    A psychic beam quickly arose from his mouth, hurtling towards Poliwag in a very strange manner. It seemed to be convulsing wildly as it came towards him, making Poliwag believe it was merely a Hypnosis.
    ~ Another spot where more was needed. This will be the last example I plan to show, but there were other spots just like this where the detail was lackluster.

    He was a fairly good looking tadpole, with an admirable spiral upon his belly and a smile always on his lips.
    ~ This if for the character description. This is a good job, you also did the same for Vulpix and Snivy. But, you didn’t give description to Scizor, Remoraid, or Ninjask at all. You left the spots completely blank without any detail. A basic rule is that if a Pokemon or human is in the story you should have some description on them based on how much that person or Pokemon is in the story.

    The two had picked a great day to go out; the flowers were all in bloom and the gentle breeze blew through, calming any sense of overheating.
    ~ I like this sentence. It is very basic but fulfills the need of environmental looks on a basic level.

    That is all for the detail, but let’s sum some things up. Your environmental detail of the outdoors looked was spot on, I don’t have any trouble in this department. You hit and missed on describing the attacks and characters adequately. The same problem presented itself during Pokemon attacks occasionally. Next time, be sure to go over these areas and make certain that you have detail for them.


    Length: I usually don’t have something here, but it hurt you because it felt rushed.


    Overall: Poliwag Captured. If you want the other Pokemon you need to extend at least the most important battle and that was the Snivy encounter at the end. Furthermore, you’ll need to go back and add detail to the battle moves and the Pokemon that you encounter.

    @White Knight
    Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 30th November 2011 at 02:37 PM.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



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