Pokemon Pusher - Adventure in the Cave

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  1. #1
    Angry about Outer Heavens ChainReaction01's Avatar
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    Default Pokemon Pusher - Adventure in the Cave

    Pokemon Pusher – Adventure in the Cave

    Attempted Capture: Diglett (Simple)
    Required Character Count: 5000 - 10000
    Actual Character Count: 8662

    So here's a thing, I guess.

    ~~~~~

    “Hey guys! It’s time for yet another episode of POKEMON PUSHER!” the young man yelled. He was tall, brown-haired and very enthusiastically speaking into a shoulder-mounted camera, which was being wielded by a bored-looking woman of the same age. The woman sighed and zoomed in on the man, who was her brother. She wouldn’t even be here except the pay was really good. Also, she got to watch Matt embarrass himself.

    “It’s me, Matt Pusher, and today we’re going to be pushing the buttons of whatever we find in this here cave,” Matt continued, waving a walking stick behind him. His sister, Kris, sighed and pointed the camera towards the jagged black crevice, which was partially obscured by green plants. The pair of them weren’t actually sure where they were – Matt’s usual method involved picking a direction, then walking that way until they found something cool. All Kris knew for sure was that Lavender town was over seven kilometres back in the direction they’d come.

    Kris realised that Matt had started to walk towards the cave, rambling on about all the kinds of Pokemon that could be in this cave. The young woman sighed once more, pushing her long dyed-white hair out of her eyes.

    “Come on, Kris!” Matt yelled, pulling a torch out of his backpack and switching it on. “Let’s get exploring!”

    The young man pushed the large ferns aside and entered the cave. It was musty and the ground was slippery, but the treads on Matt’s boots prevented him from falling over. He spun the flashlight around in his hand, waiting for the woman to follow him in. The light strayed over a small blue Pokemon, which was clutching onto the cave’s ceiling. It looked like a bundle of skin, shifting slightly under the harsh torchilight.

    “Hurry up,” Matt hissed. He heard a grunt behind him, and a second shaft of light lanced into the darkness.

    “I’m here, what have you found?” Kris whispered.

    “That there is a Zubat, common harasser of Pokemon Trainers worldwide,” Matt said in a loud whisper, looking into the camera’s lens. “This one looks mighty tuckered out, though. Let’s get a little closer for a better look.”

    The two people inched closer, and Kris winced at the sucking sound that accompanied every single step. The Zubat continued to shuffle slightly, either asleep or studiously ignoring the beams of light. When they were within spitting distance, Matt coughed loudly. The Zubat didn’t even seem to notice.

    “Alright, this little bludger is ignoring me, and I don’t like that,” Matt shot a grin into the camera. He poked the ceiling right next to the Zubat, but there was no reaction from the little Pokemon.

    “No way that little bugger is asleep, it would have been jolted wide awake,” Matt chuckled. He prodded the bat right in the centre of its body. This gave the immediate reaction that Matt had been looking for – the bat unfurled, hanging from the ceiling by its two legs. Its face had no eyes or nose, only a mouth and four fangs. It emitted a evil screech, one that caused Kris to take a step back.

    “He’s pissed off now!” Matt yelled gleefully. He prodded the bat once more, being careful not to hurt it, but certainly attempting to enrage it. The bat screeched again and took flight, circling around Matt’s head and dive-bombing him. It was emitting a horrible ululating supersonic noise as it flew around, causing Kris to flinch and back up.

    “Oh come on, it can’t hurt you,” Matt called, trying his best to keep the torchlight centered on the bat. The very second he finished speaking, the Zubat dived and sunk its little teeth into Matt’s forearm.

    “Argh, bitch!” Matt swore. He didn’t try to shake it off, though. He rushed over to the camera and held the Pokemon up right in front of the lens.

    “See how it’s got a nice grip,” he said, pulling gently on its feet, “and while it’s not actually sucking my blood, this little guy is healing itself from my life-force.”

    “Can you just get it off?” Kris asked, feeling a little woozy.

    “Alright,” Matt chuckled. He rapped the Zubat on its head, and the Pokemon detached and started circling again. It screeched one last time before flying away into the deeper reaches of the cave.

    “Come on, let’s follow it,” Matt suggested.

    “Do we really have to?” Kris asked unhappily.

    Her brother didn’t reply – he was already hot on the Pokemon’s trail. Kris sighed and followed, being sure to keep the camera centred on Matt as much as possible. Usually right about now was when things started to go hilariously wrong for her brother. This was the other reason Kris worked with her brother – the embarrassment part. In their last five episodes, Matt had been kicked in the nuts by a Hitmonlee, thrown into the air by a Rhyhorn, and lightly singed by a Ponyta. Thankfully, Matt loved his work, and his fans all loved him. He kept coming back for more, and so they did too.

    “Well well well, what’s this?” Matt asked in his theatrical loud whisper. He crouched low over the ground, and Kris followed suit. A small tubular Pokemon was curiously looking up at them. It had two small black eyes and a bulbous pink noise. It made a small snuffling sound and closed its eyes against the bright lights being shined at it.

    “Awww, it’s so cute!” Kris squealed.

    “This here is a Diglett,” Matt said, aiming a serious look at Kris. She took the hint and re-aimed the camera onto the Diglett. “They’re actually pretty rare outside of their tunnel network. My guess is that this cave is actually connected to the Diglett’s Cave just outside of Pewter City.”

    The Diglett moved a little closer to Kris. She was curious to note that the dirt seemed to collapse in front of it and fill back in behind it as it moved. She saw Matt staring at her and she gave him a thumbs up to indicate that she had caught the movement on film.

    “As you just saw, we don’t know what Diglett bodies look like,” Matt continued. “No one can get them out of the ground, and they refuse to leave PokeBallls if there’s no ground for them to hide in. Today, however, I’m going to give it my best!”

    Kris grinned and back up. Matt rubbed his hands together and grasped the Diglett on both sides of its body. He heaved, trying to uproot the Diglett, which immediately began wiggling and squealing.

    “Come on, get out of there you little arse,” Matt grunted as he pulled. The Diglett’s squealing got louder, and finally it couldn’t take any longer. It blew a huge wad of snot into Matt’s face, making a horrible snorting sound as it did so. Matt reeled back in horror, and began spitting and wiping at his face. Kris roared with laughter, trying to keep the camera aimed on her big brother at the same time.

    “Alright, that’s it!” the young man yelled. He picked up his walking stick and twisted the top. A large curving blade ejected from the bottom of the stick, forming a kind of shovel. Matt wiped at his face one last time before attacking the ground in front of the Diglett. Kris guessed at his plan – if he couldn’t pull the Diglett out of the ground, he’d dig the ground out from underneath it.

    Unfortunately for Matt the Diglett guessed this as well. It slammed its head into the ground, and the whole cave started rumbling and shaking.

    “Matt, we’ve got to get out of here,” Kris yelled, lowering the camera.

    “See how the Diglett’s raw strength can even cause cave-ins,” Matt yelled determinedly, continuing to hack at the ground.

    The Diglett squealed and headbutted Matt in his shin, causing him to swear and fall onto one knee. Kris rushed over and grabbed Matt by his arm, hauling him to his feet and dragging him towards the cave exit.

    “What are you doing, Kris?” Matt shouted, struggling against her. “We’ve got to find out what Diglett’s body looks like!”

    “The cave is collapsing! If we stay here, we’re going to get crushed!”

    “I’m sure it’ll be fine, now let me go!”

    “If we don’t leave this instant, I’ll smash the camera,” Kris threatened.

    Matt stopped struggling immediately. He knew that the Zubat and Diglett footage they’d captured was invaluable, and he also knew that Kris wasn’t kidding. Last time she’d threatened to do something, she’d done it. It hadn’t been Matt’s fault, though – he never thought that she would have gone out on a date with his worst enemy just to spite him.

    The cave continued to shake, but Matt and Kris made it out safely before the entrance collapsed. They both fell onto the soft grass, panting heavily.

    “Well, that was an adventure and a half,” Matt said, picking up the camera and aiming it at himself. “Don’t forget to tune in next time!”

    There was a rumbling sound, and suddenly the Diglett’s head popped up out of the grass.

    “Scratch that!” Matt yelled happily, picking up his stick and hobbling towards the Pokemon.

    Kris sighed, but reached for the camera.
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  2. #2
    the vibration pokemon Nitro's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon Pusher - Adventure in the Cave

    Introduction-Story-Plot: Your story has a fun and interesting, almost "Hey You Pikachu!"-esque feel to it. For short stories, a quirky plot like this can be very effective.

    You started off introducing the Pokemon Pusher TV program, and the way it was done made for a solid hook to the story. It was enthusiastic and exciting, and that set the tone for the rest of the story. You also introduced a pretty important background element of the story to the readers right off the start.

    Your characters both had very distinctive personalities to them. Matt was a fun-loving and misguided in a humorous way, and he was a perfect personality to have as your main character for this kind of a story. His sister fit the role of reluctant helper that works in perfect contrast to such a distinctive protagonist.

    In my opinion, however, Kris' personality wasn't obvious from the get-go. While you did allude to it a little in the introduction, it wasn't as clear as I would have liked. Sometimes it's okay to establish a character's personality over time, but this isn't it. It works better with characters introduced to your main character during the story - characters that your main character doesn't have existing relationships with. For someone like your main character's sibling, you definitely should have defined her reluctant personality a little more clearly right off the bat. This wasn't a problem with Matt, however.

    The rest of the story was light-hearted and fun. You had your protagonist interact with Pokemon in a way that really made them feel less like battling monsters, and more like real animals. I really, really enjoyed that. Your choice of Pokemon in Zubat and Diglett also worked very well for this kind of a plot. They're 'cute' Pokemon that work very well as Pokemon to play with.

    In general, I loved this plot. It works very well as a short story. Just remember that for a longer story, it might not be something that can keep a reader's interest for a long time. Still, this is easily a pass here.

    Grammar-Spelling: It was pretty clean, but there were a few typos here and there.

    All Kris knew for sure was that Lavender town was over seven kilometres back in the direction they’d come.

    Capitalize the 'T'.

    Unfortunately for Matt the Diglett guessed this as well.

    There needs to be a comma in between 'Matt' and 'the'.

    No one can get them out of the ground, and they refuse to leave PokeBallls if there’s no ground for them to hide in.

    PokeBalls, not PokeBallls.

    Come on, get out of there you little arse.

    There needs to be a comma in between 'there' and 'you'.
    Unless your story is fraught with them, typos aren't going to hurt you too much. However, if you're the kind of person that hates having typos in their story (like me), giving it a quick proofread doesn't hurt.

    Detail-Description: I feel that the descriptions in your story were of a high quality. It didn't really stand out, but it was a strong point nonetheless.

    The visual descriptions were on point - I could imagine most of the scenes as I read your story, and it was pretty easy too. Your descriptions were written out in a way that made them really easy to understand. I didn't have to pause and think about them or anything, and they were just all-around effective.

    With that said, however, you were lacking in non-visual descriptions. Obviously, visual descriptions are the most important thing. However, in a story like this, non-visual descriptions could've been especially effective. Describing something like the scent of the Pokemon as Matt interacted with them would've worked very well, in my opinion. Even something as simple as describing how Matt felt when he was having his life-force leeched by Zubat would've offered an interesting perspective to things.

    For a Simple Pokemon, though, non-visual descriptions would be considered above and beyond. While they would definitely be a nice garnish to your story, I'm not going to mark you down for not including them in a story for Diglett. A job well done nonetheless.

    Length: You're good.

    Climax: This is probably the part of your story that I thought was the weakest.

    Your climax wasn't much of one to me. It lacked momentum, and I wasn't particularly invested in it. For obvious reasons, that's definitely not the reaction you want out of your reader.

    Maybe part of the reason is that your story in general was quick and light-hearted, making it hard to build up momentum for your climax. With that said, however, I still think you could've thought up a more interesting ending to your story then a simple cave-in where the main characters escape without any problems getting out. If nothing else, you could've at least added a twist to things, like if Matt tripped or something and the Diglett rescued him or something.

    For a story like this, it might not have worked out well if anything too serious happened, but at the same time, your climax was a little too light-hearted. It was unable to elicit any emotion at all in me, and you always want your climax to connect with your reader emotionally. You've got a good reputation as a writer, and I know you can do better than this.

    Outcome: I slammed on you in the Climax section, but the rest of your story was easily passable, particularly the plot/introduction. I don't have any doubts in my decision... Diglett Captured!

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