Pokemon Destiny

Results 1 to 3 of 3

Thread: Pokemon Destiny

  1. #1
    Registered User Hoshii no Kaabii's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Pop Star
    Posts
    9

    Default Pokemon Destiny

    Pokemon: Azurill, Sewaddle, Shinx, Magikarp

    Part 1

    Chapter 1 - Wonder of the Ocean: Magikarp
    "Thank you, sir."
    Hoshii, a boy who had left his home and sought to befriend all types of Pokemon, just got his first Cyndaquil and some money to start off his journey. With his new pal, Hoshii went on the route closest to his house and went to the water.
    "What's that?" he wondered when he saw a figure under the water.
    Out of the water came a Magikarp.
    "Woah! That has to be the coolest Pokemon on the planet!" said Hoshii.
    Cyndaquil shook his head and laughed.
    "Let's catch it!" said Hoshii.
    Hoshii reached into his bag and his fingers met a PokeBall. He threw it at the fish and watched as a red light seemed to suck the Pokemon into the PokeBall. As he watched the PokeBall shake around, another kid walked by.
    "You must be new to this stuff, kid." said the kid who walked by.
    The Magikarp broke out of the PokeBall and flopped into the water.
    "What makes you think that... What makes you think that... I'm a beginner!?" asked Hoshii. "Huh?"
    "Well you failed at catching that Pokemon."
    "It was a really cool Pokemon. You can't just expect someone to randomly catch a Pokemon like that!"
    The bypassing kid laughed. "First of all, that's the lamest Pokemon there is. You have a lot to learn. Second, you didn't even battle it, stupid!"
    Hoshii looked around nervously. He realized his mistake.
    "WELL I COULD DO BETTER THAN YOU IN A BATTLE!!!" yelled Hoshii.
    "Be careful, kid. I've battled all of the champions and beat them. I'm Senshi"
    Hoshii gulped. "What have I gotten my self into?"
    "Okay then. You challenged me, so I'll accept the challenge. Don't worry. I'll go easy on you. I see you only have a Cyndaquil. I'll send out my ice Pokemon. Let the battle begin."

    Hoshii kneeled down to talk to his Cyndaquil. "You need to win this for us. I know we just met, but I feel that we'll have a strong relationship later. How about we build that relationship right now? GO CYNDAQUIL!!!"
    Senshi looked at his PokeBalls. "Glaceon? Nope. Maybe Glalie? Nope. Ah! Here's the perfect one!"
    "Alright, Cyndaquil! I choose you!"
    "Go... JYNX!!!"
    Hoshii took a look at Senshi's Pokemon. "HOLY CRAP! What is that thing!?"
    Hoshii pulled out his PokeDex. "Jynx; the... I don't want to talk about it."
    "Kill it! Kill it with fire!" yelled Hoshii.
    Cyndaquil charged up his fiery back. "Use ERUPTION!"
    "Cyndaquiiiiiiiiil!"
    A fiery explosion of rocks and lava covered the foe's Pokemon. Jynx braced herself and used ice beam at the command of her trainer. "Cyndaquil! Dodge!"
    Cyndaquil dodged the beam, but took a nasty cut to the knee upon landing.
    "Use flame wheel!" Hoshii commanded.
    "Counter it with Psychic, Jynx!" said Senshi in a surprisingly calm manner.
    Jynx used her mind to throw Cyndaquil back when he jumped at her with a ring of fire spinning around him. The fire went out when he touched the ground. Cyndaquil laid down in pain. "Hurry! Get up!" yelled Hoshii.
    "Your Pokemon is unable to fight. You lost." said Senshi with a grin.
    Cyndaquil lifted its head and sniffed the air. Senshi gasped when he saw his Pokemon stand up. "USE FLAMETHROWER!"
    The oblivious Jynx saw the blast of fire at the last second and got burnt. The it fell down and fainted.
    "What is this? I have been beaten? This.. this is not possible." said the smug Senshi, "There's no way."
    "Now I'd like to get back to catching that super-cool Pokemon if you'll excuse me." said Hoshii as he took out a fishing rod. He threw the line into the water and pulled up the weight he got on it. Sure enough, it was a Magikarp. "Use quick attack, Cyndaquil!" Cyndaquil sent the fish into the air and came back to Hoshii who then threw a PokeBall and caught Magikarp. "My first Pokemon that I caught!" said Hoshii, excitedly.
    Hoshii was pushed into the water after he put his Magikarp away.
    "We will meet again! But next time, it won't be so easy." said Senshi as he walked off.
    Hoshii, angered, jumped out of the water and had Cyndaquil dry him off.
    "Thanks buddy. One day, we'll be strong. And we'll prove it to him."
    Hoshii released his Magikarp. "Hi! You're my new pal!"
    The Magikarp warmed up to Hoshii in almost a second. "Back in the bag." said Hoshii as he put Magikarp back into his PokeBall and then put the PokeBall in his bag. As Hoshii walked on, his Cyndaquil followed. Hoshii had no idea where he was going, but he knew that he wanted to be the very best, like no one ever was.

    "A strong new trainer you say?"
    "Yes."
    "With a strong new Pokemon?"
    "Yes, sir."
    "Go snatch that Pokemon, for Team Darkness!!!"
    "Got it!"

    Chapter 2 - Magikarp's Revenge
    Hoshii was walking along the road when he noticed a bug squirming by.
    "What's this? It's adorable!"
    Hoshii pulled out his PokeDex. "Sewaddle; a bug Pokemon. They greet each other with the antennae on their heads."
    "Cool!" Cyndaquil, use ember!"
    Hoshii's expression changed to pure horror. The Pokemon burned into nothing but ash. There was nothing left of it.
    As Hoshii cried for the dead Pokemon, Cyndaquil ventured off into the forest to find some berries.
    "Gotcha!" said a mysterious man as he trapped the Cyndaquil in a cage. "Now you belong to us!"
    Cyndaquil kicked, screamed, and cried.
    Hoshii heard from a distance. "Cyndaquil!?"
    "Shut up you stupid mouse!" said the mysterious man.
    "Who are who!?" asked Hoshii when he found the man loading Cyndaquil into a truck.
    The man set Cyndaquil down. "You ask who I am? You already know me. I have seen the power of your Cyndaquil, and now it's mine!"
    "You're Senshi!?" asked Hoshii.
    "No, I'm not Senshi. He's my boss and the leader of Team Darkness, an evil organization who plans on ruling the world with the strongest Pokemon. I was watching the battle. See ya!"
    The man threw Cyndaquil into the back of the truck and drove off.
    "No! Come back!" yelled Hoshii.
    Hoshii dug into his bag and threw out Magikarp's PokeBall. "Let's do this!"
    "Use surf!"
    The Magikarp did nothing.
    "I said; use surf!"
    Still no reaction.
    "Oh yeah. I forgot how useless your kind was."
    At this, the Magikarp cried. Then a look of determination swept across his face. He stretched his two barbs out and wrapped them around two trees. Hoshii realized the plan and got in front of him. The Magikarp then launched them both to the car. Coincidentally, Hoshii and Magikarp landed on top of the truck. Hoshii kicked the driver in the face and stole the wheel. He bashed the man's face onto the windshield and caused it to crack. Then Hoshii threw him out of the vehicle and forced him under the tires. Hoshii stopped the car and jumped to the back and grabbed his Cyndaquil. "Maybe Magikarps aren't so useless." said Hoshii. Magikarp smiled.

    "Excuse me mister hero." A shadowy figure with a hood walked by. "You're ruining my plans. I'm supposed to rule this world. Do not take the opportunity away from me! I deserve what I want."
    "Nobody stands in the way of good. Now prepare to get burned! Cyndaquil! Use lava plume!"
    The man jumped out of the way and his hood fell off. It was Senshi.
    "You will not win this time!" he said.
    "I have my Cyndaquil with me! I cannot possibly lose!" Hoshii said with his eyes closed. When he opened them, Cyndaquil was gone.
    "Use another Pokemon! Use your Magikarp!" said the man as he held the frightened Cyndaquil.
    "OKAY MAGIKARP!!! I CHOOSE YOU!!!" said Hoshi.
    He threw him out onto the field of battle.
    "Okay Sewaddle! Go!" yelled Senshi as he threw Sewaddle's PokeBall onto the field of battle.
    "This is an unfair advantage!" said Hoshii.
    "Team Darkness never stops their evil!" said Senshi with a laugh.
    "I need a plan." thought Hoshii. "Aha!"
    "Use bug bite!" commanded Senshi.
    Magikarp took a painful blow to his side fin.
    Hoshii thought deeply and then yelled Magikarp's next move. "Magikarp! Use... SPLASH!!!"
    Senshi laughed as Magikarp flopped on the ground. "At least use a move that does something. Like tackle!"
    Hoshii ignored him and stuck to the plan.
    "Use solar beam!" yelled Senshi.
    Sewaddle started to charge up.
    "USE SPLASH!"
    "Release your energy!"
    "Dodge it! Good job! Now use Splash!"
    "Use leaf cutter!"
    "Brace your self and then use Splash!"
    "Your Magikarp will be finished soon."
    "You don't know my Magikarp then."
    "Finish him off with bug bite, my Sewaddle!"
    Sewaddle looked at the Magikarp. Then he looked at his trainer. It started to think. "What's going on? Why does this Magikarp only use Splash?"
    Then it hurt itself in confusion and fainted.
    "WHAT!!!??? NOOOOO!!!!!" yelled Senshi in anger.
    Senshi fell down on his face a wept.
    "It's not the Pokemon that make me a strong trainer. It's my love for Pokemon." said Hoshii as he grabbed his Cyndaquil and returned Magikarp to its ball.
    "Team Darness will return. And you will be our first target!" yelled Senshi.
    Hoshii noticed something. The Sewaddle was crawling towards him rather than going back to its master. It liked him more. "Villans don't use Sewaddles. Seriously. Step it up." said Hoshii as he captured the Sewaddle.

    "My job as a trainer is done. I have defeated evil and became better than I was when I started. That's any trainer's goal. But when I thought it ended here, it didn't."

    Part 2

    Chapter 3 - A Shocking Experience
    Hoshii beat evil and became better than he was at the start of his journey, but he wanted to do one more thing to complete his challenge of being a trainer; challenge the Pokemon League.
    "Excuse me. Mister? Hello?" said Hoshii to a tall man with a Shinx in a cage.
    "Oh yes? Would you like to purchase this Pokemon?"
    "Yes I would. How much?"
    "3,000 sounds nice."
    "Okay."
    Hoshii payed the money and captured the Shinx in a PokeBall. "Yes! A new friend."
    The tall man watched and smoked a cigar as Hoshii rode down the street on his bicycle."
    "Someday... That kid will be the champion."
    Hoshii looked at his PokeBalls as he rode down the street. He had a Gyarados, a Shinx, a Typhlosion, and a Leavanny. He was getting to be the most powerful trainer there was. "Time to get you prepared, Shinx."
    Hoshii released Shinx and had it run around a play with him until it was warmed up. Then he had it attack plushes of Pokemon. "Time to get you for the real stuff now."
    Hoshii brought Shinx to the Pokemon Frontier. "Time to battle."


    "IN THE FIRST BATTLE OF TODAY, WE HAVE LUKE AND HIS JIGGLYPUFF AGAINST HIKARI AND HER PIKACHU!!!"
    Luke and Hikari stood on the outside of a boxing ring, where the two Pokemon duked it out. The called orders to their Pokemon from the sidelines and tried their best to win. Hoshii studied them carefully to make sure he knew what to do when it was his turn to go.
    "Use Rest!" said Luke.
    His Jigglypuff fell asleep and restored all health it had lost. Pikachu was too tired to fight it when it was asleep, and just pretended to faint.
    "AND THE WINNER IS... LUKE AND HIS JIGGLYPUFF!!!"
    Luke waved and smiled to everybody as they cheered.
    "AND FOR THE SECOND BATTLE OF THE DAY, WE HAVE CHRISTINE AND HER GEODUDE AND HOSHII AND HIS SHINX!!! LOOKS LIKE AN UNFAVORABLE MATCHUP FOR HOSHII!"
    Hoshii was surprised. Electric moves would do nothing, and normal moves would do almost nothing. He was sure to lose.
    "WHOEVER WINS THIS ROUND GOES AGAINST LUKE, THE CURRENT CHAMPION OF THE BATTLE FRONTIER!!!"
    "We could do this Shinx." Hoshii assured him.
    "Geodude, use Rock Smash!" yelled Christine.
    "Use quick attack to counter it!" said Hoshii.
    Shinx successfully avoided the attack.
    "A fighting move? Why use that on an electric type?" asked Hoshii.
    "Just shut up an fight!" said Christine.
    "Well excuse me!"
    Geodude threw some pushes and tried to hit Shinx with some deadly ground moves, but they all missed until there were non left.
    "Use Earthquake!" yelled Christine.
    But Geodude was too tired, and used self-destruct instead.
    "AND THE WINNER OF THIS ROUND IS... HOSHII!!!"
    Everyone cheered. How could he have won electric versus ground? Well, it happened.
    "AND NOW, FOR THE MOMENT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!!! THE CHAMPION AGAINST THE NEWCOMER!!!"
    "Wait! What!?"
    "SHINX IS EVOLVING!!!"
    In the middle of the ring, Shinx evolved into Luxio.
    "AMAZING!!! NOW FOR THE FIGHT!!!"
    Luke was the champion of the Battle Frontier. That means that he was alms equal in strength to the Elite Four. If Hoshii could beat him, he could take on the Elite Four.
    "START!"
    "Jigglypuff, use quick attack!"
    "Dodge!"
    Luxio got hit anyway.
    "Now use sing!"
    "Cover your ears, Luxio!
    Luxio was able to avoid hearing the song, then countered with thunder.
    Jigglypuff used rest, but Luxio used that time to use thunder repeatedly.
    Jigglypuff woke up right before she fainted and used tackle on Luxio, then quick attack, then mega punch.
    "Use quick attack!" both Hoshii and Luke said it at the same time.
    Luxio attacked a little bit earler, and sent Jigglypuff flying out of the ring.
    "AND THE WINNER IS... HOSHII!!!
    A group of people approached Hoshii with a stone.
    "This is a thunderstone. Use it on your Luxio." they said.
    Hoshii then evolved Luxio into Luxray.

    Chapter 4 - The Elite Four
    Hoshii took a couple taxis and a couple trains to get to Victory Road. It was no easy task, but he was doing what he needed to do to get the full meaning of being a trainer. When he got there, he found an Azurill and used the other stones that were given to him to evolve it all the way. He used lots of items to make his Pokemon stronger. There was something passed this road. A challenge that nobody had ever beat. "Until today."

    "I finally made it to Victory Road. My destiny lies ahead. Better get going. C'mon Typhlosion."
    Typhlosion followed and made sure any danger stayed out of Hoshii's way.
    "Gyarados! Use surf!"
    Gyarados got Hoshii passed bodies of water on the road and Typhlosion pushed rocks out of the way and broke them. There were a few wild Pokemon battles, in which Typhlosion finished with flamethrower. When Hoshii finally got to the end, he met a face he never wanted to see again.

    "Remember me? I'm Senshi! And I'm here for revenge!"
    "Stay out of my way, and Typhlosion won't burn you to a crisp." said Hoshii.
    Senshi grinned.
    "Say that to my new Pokemon!"
    He sent out 5 Pokemon; Metagross, Houndoom, Garchomp, Salamence, and Haxorus. Hoshii sent out his 5 Pokemon; Typhlosion, Gyarados, Luxray, Leavanny, and Azumarill. Gyarados went straight for Houndoom and soaked him with hydro pump. Leavanny used leaf cutter on Metagross, and Typhlosion used Eruption on all of them.
    There was a barrage of orders being commanded.
    "I will win this time. For Team Darkness!!!" declared Senshi.
    "The evil never wins!" said Hoshii.
    "USE HYDRO CANNON!!!" yelled Hoshii.
    All of Senshi's Pokemon were wiped out.
    "And to make sure you don't return..." Hoshii said.
    He commanded Leavanny to use leaf cutter on Senshi's neck, decapitating him. and therefore finishing him off, once and for all.

    "This must be where the Elite Four are." said Hoshii.
    Typhlosion nodded.
    "Let's go in."
    They walked into a circular room with four doors and an elevator in the middle that was turned off.
    "Here's the plan. We go in each one and beat the person there." Hoshii said to Typhlosion.

    The first Elite Four was a phsychic trainer. Hoshii used Leavanny to defeat them, but Leavanny also fainted.
    The second Elite Four was a Poison trainer. Hoshii used Azumarill to wipe them all out, but Azumarill also fainted.
    The third Elite Four was a fighting trainer. Hoshii used Gyarados for the advantage of flight, but Gyarados also fainted.
    The fourth Elite Four was a dragon trainer. Hoshii used Luxray to defeat them, but Luxray also fainted.

    After beating them all, it was only Typhlosion left. The elevator was turned on. It's time, Typhlosion. We're going to be the very best. Hoshii stepped into the elevator and waited for it to lead him up to the champion. When the elevator stopped and opened, Hoshii was in for a surprise.

    Chapter 5 - The End
    There were two goons, the last two of the team, with swords. The champion was on the floor, headless. Out of anger, Hoshii ordered Typhlosion to use eruption on them, which killed them.
    "What do I do now? The champion is dead."
    Hoshii's mom walked in. "Then you're the new champion."
    "What?"
    "Yep. You made it all the way here. You're life as a trainer is complete. Have fun being the champion.
    "I'm sure I will."
    "Bye."

    And the Pokemon trainer Hoshii, lived happily ever after, until he was run over by an army of Tauros.
    THE END
    Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 28th June 2012 at 02:36 PM.

  2. #2
    Head of Stories Princess Crow's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    URPG!
    Posts
    1,400
    Blog Entries
    6

    Default Re: Pokemon Destiny

    Claimed, the grade will be up as soon as possible.

  3. #3
    Head of Stories Princess Crow's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    URPG!
    Posts
    1,400
    Blog Entries
    6

    Default Re: Pokemon Destiny

    Introduction: Your introduction was short, concise, and a little abrupt. While I would have liked some more to base the rest of the story off of, particularly regarding your characters, you got the very basic job down, which was all that was required of you. I’ll go into my four W’s (I usually don’t include why) to better explain my viewpoint.

    What: A boy begins his quest to become a pokemon master. This has been done thousands of times before, but the reason why is because it works. There isn’t much to complain about here, as it is fairly simple and straightforward. While it was a little one-dimensional, so are most stories like this; even the games do the same thing.

    Who: The story follows a boy, Hoshii, a hot-headed trainer who is just getting started with his journey accompanied by his Cyndaquil. We’re also somewhat introduced to his rival, the champion-defeater, Senshi. While all of your characters had a nice sense of humor, they had almost no physical description whatsoever. It made it very hard for the reader to visualize what was going on in the story, which could have benefited your story greatly.

    Where: The story's setting hops around a lot, mainly between each chapter. Starting near a lake and eventually progressing, the location of your story was never really solid. It's not a bad thing, but, again, it gives the reader less to visualize and familiarize themselves with. If your setting isn't clear or is changed too often, your readers could have entirely different experiences that might differ vastly from what you want it to be.

    When: It starts right after Hoshii obtained his starter, eventually progressing until he's presumabley much older and experienced. The time had very little importance in this story, which happens often in many stories, so you won't be graded on this.

    Plot: Like I said above, I was thinking that this plot is fairly one dimensional. Your humor, however, managed to salvage my viewpoint on it, since the spontaneous and hilariously violent outbursts, especially at the end, were some of the funniest parts around.

    Your individual chapters seemed a little bit broken. I understand that you needed to split it up into several different parts in order for your story to work out pokemon-wise, but it kind of seemed like an entirely new story in each chapter. Besides the fact that they're all posted as one piece of work, the only things that could have lead us to believe you were actually writing the same story were the names of the characters, as we didn't have physical or personality descriptions.

    I also noticed that the story had no gym challenges, no matter how briefly. If I remember correctly, you have to have all eight badges of a region in order for you to even attempt at challenging the elite four. If Hoshii had only gone to the Pokemon Frontier and didn’t take on the gym challenge, the elite four wouldn’t have even accepted his challenge request.

    I liked that you showed us the Shinx’s evolution. It was a cool piece to add to your story and I enjoyed this part over most others. However, I would have loved to see more character/pokemon development/progression in your story. I feel this especially applied to the Azurill, mainly because you only told us that Hoshii used items to make it strong and stuff, which, by the way, isn’t how you make Azurill evolve. Actually, now that I think about it, Azurill evolves through happiness, and, if he was only itemed to be strong, he never would have gained this happiness.

    Overall, your plot was sort of all over. Sure, it was fun to read and I enjoyed doing so, but I never really felt like there was a set plot. Because of this, a lot of the story seemed just like filler so that you could get both the required characters and the pokemon you were wanting. Stories without plot are mainly written for the easiest pokemon available, and you were writing for two pokemon that were not of that calibur. A coursing and well thought-out plot, especially for something of this length, is very helpful and can raise your grade even higher.

    Climax: The climax, by definition, is, basically, the peak of the entire story. It is usually where the most action happens. It is the solution to all the plot's problems and could even be considered the conclusion of your story. Though I hate to say it, your climax was none of these things.

    Sure, your humor and creativity struck through even this, but it wasn't exactly something that had the whole story leading up to it. While Hoshii's quest to conquer the elite four appeared about half-way through the story, and it easily could have been resolved in an effective way, you didn't even give the details of the battles, besides the fact that Hoshii's pokemon dominated. It would have been marvelous if you had actually shown us the battles between the elite four and Hoshii, even if they were short battles and ended with decapitation. It would have made for a bigger build to the climax, as well as add some more content to your story.

    Mimicking what I said above, this definitely should have applied to the battle with the champion. If his semilife goal was to defeat the champion in battle, why didn't he battle him/her? It was cool how you had the champion killed, but Hoshii barely even reacted. Yeah, he killed the champion's slayer, but he was all happy afterwards? If your life goal was just snatched before your eyes, tell me you wouldn't do anything.

    In all honesty, your climax was anti-climatic. It was actually a let down to see that Hoshii didn't get to defeat the champion, just as much as Hoshii just brushing it off in the end and saying, "Okay, what's next?" Like I said in the first paragraph of this section, the climax could be the concluding act, but if your characters were expecting more to the conclusion of your story, imagine how your readers must feel.

    And no, Hoshii being run over by a herd of Tauros is not a viable answer to my complaints.

    Grammar/Conventions: This is an aspect of your story that really caused some damage to it. Simple things like proofreading could have helped you solve this issue, which might have been something that could make your story even better. I'll jump right into some examples of what I'm saying.

    One thing that kind of irked me was your inconsistencies with capitilization. More specifically, pokemon moves. Our writing community has recognized pokemon moves as proper nouns, which require capitalization. If you didn't capitalize any pokemon moves, I wouldn't really be focusing on this, as a simple, informative sidenote would have easily solved it. However, you occasionally capitalized and occasionally didn't. This shows to me that you didn't really look through your work after you were done, which is something that all writers should do. I'll point out some examples.

    Here, we have one of the sentences that you wrote in your story:

    Gyarados went straight for Houndoom and soaked him with hydro pump. Leavanny used leaf cutter on Metagross, and Typhlosion used Eruption on all of them.
    In these few short sentences alone, my point was proven. You capitalized one of them, but not the other two. You should have capitalized all of them, as it helps the reader distinguish what the pokemon is doing. If you don’t capitalize it, the reader could think that the Gyarados is using a fire hydrant hose and the Leavanny used a lawn mower. While it seems outlandish to go to such extremes, this helps distinguish the difference between a pokemon move and an action.

    This is how it should have been written:

    Gyarados went straight for Houndoom and soaked him with Hydro Pump. Leavanny used Leaf Cutter on Metagross, and Typhlosion used Eruption on all of them.
    Another thing that I found was hard to understand in your story was the dialogue scenes. I could only rarely tell who was talking at a random time. Your usage, or rather lack of usage, of ‘he/she said’ at the end of a dialogue section made it very hard to distinguish who was talking. I’ll point out some of the things that I’m talking about:

    "AND NOW, FOR THE MOMENT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!!! THE CHAMPION AGAINST THE NEWCOMER!!!"
    "Wait! What!?"
    "SHINX IS EVOLVING!!!"
    In the middle of the ring, Shinx evolved into Luxio.
    "AMAZING!!! NOW FOR THE FIGHT!!!"
    I got totally lost in this section. Eventually, I found my way back, but it was a fairly big interruption to your story, which messed up the flow of it all. Was the ref talking the entire time? Was Hoshii interrupting occasionally? I honestly had no way of knowing. I’ll add some things that could have made it more easily distinguishable.

    "AND NOW, FOR THE MOMENT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!!! THE CHAMPION AGAINST THE NEWCOMER!!!" exclaimed the referee.
    "Wait! What!?" Hoshii asked, bewildered.
    "SHINX IS EVOLVING!!!" the referee replied.
    In the middle of the ring, Shinx evolved into Luxio.
    "AMAZING!!! NOW FOR THE FIGHT!!!" the referee shouted as he turned his attention to the battle once more.
    See how much easier it is to tell who is speaking? It makes your reader more interested in what they have to say, rather than trying to figure out who is saying it.

    Another thing that really doesn’t affect your writing but is nice to know anyway is to double-space your paragraphs. This is more visually appealing and makes the reader fully realize that there is a paragraph change. If a sentence ends near the margin and a new paragraph starts on the line right below it, the reader will assume that the sentence and the paragraph actually belong to the same paragraph, which is not what you had in mind.

    Last but not least, I merely advise you to proofread through your work. This will save you from countless grammatical, capitalization, and spelling errors. Your eye will pick up on things that are not right, but you have to give your eyes the chance to spot these things. Not only will this help you with the smoothness of your writing piece, but it will help your grade too, increasing your chances of getting the pokemon you desire.

    Length: The required length for all the pokemon in your story combined is, at a minimum, 16,000 characters. You place just above it with approximately 75 characters above the minimum. This says to me that you did the bare minimum to get all these pokemon, which does not show that you put effort into obtaining these pokemon. Also, since several parts of your story were merely filler, it shows that you didn’t really have a plot that you were trying to follow.

    Results:

    I had a really tough time deciding on the grade for this story, but I’ll have to say that Sewaddle and Magikarp are captured while Shinx and Azurill are not. The quality of the work you submitted definitely belongs under the easiest ranking, so those pokemon are the ones you will receive. However, the Shinx and the Azurill, which belong under the simple rank, require a little more planning, description, and essential writing tools. Your humor was great, and it saved you from receiving even less pokemon, but your grammar errors and things of that nature held you back. Make sure you enjoy your two new pokemon, and make sure to try again for the others!
    Last edited by Princess Crow; 23rd September 2012 at 03:41 PM.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •