Pokemon Choice!
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Thread: Pokemon Choice!

  1. #1
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    Default Pokemon Choice!

    “Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to this episode of Pokemon Choice! I’m Telly Tastion, your host!”


    Telly waved at the camera. He was a strange sight, with a bright baby blue suit, a yellow bowtie, and a large brown mullet. He had a dazzling smile which obviously had been unnaturally whitened. Legend is that if you started at his smile for too long, you would lose your sight. They also said that he drank more coffee then humanly possible. Telly pointed at the audience, and a mixture of cheers, whistles, and clapping came about.

    “We all know the rules,” Telly said, “But for any new viewers, let us review! We have two constants, who both pick a Pokemon. Then we have two Challenges! A constant must win two of them to win! But what if we have a tie? Then they’ll get a tie breaker! And the winner gets to keep the pokemon they choose!”


    “Now let’s meet our players!” Telly said, he sounded like he could explode with energy.


    “From the cold region of Sinnoh, Dave Colman!” He pointed at a young man, with a yellow polo shirt, black pants, white skin, and spiky brown hair. He was sitting at a yellow desk, with yellow lights that lit it up.


    “Do you have any thing to say to our viewers?” Telly asked.


    “Well I’m happy to be here Telly” Dave said


    “Glad to hear that,” Was Telly’s reply “Anything else?”


    “Well, I just want everyone to know that I’m going to win”


    “There you have it! Dave is ready and roaring to win!”


    “Now our other contestant!” Telly said as he pointed at a boy on the other side of the room. He was in a blue T-shirt, brown plants, and had blond curly hair. He was sting in a desk identical to Dave’s, only his was green .


    “Clive! Do you have anything to say to our fans?”


    ”Hi Mom.” Clive said while he waved at the camera.


    “Is that all?” Telly said. Clive nodded.


    “Then it is time to begin!”


    Two circular platforms were raised from the stage, curtain dropped down over them. A large flat screen TV was lowered from the roof; it had blue lights flashing on and off around it.


    “Time for the fist pick question!” Telly Said


    “We ask Dave and Clive a question. First one to get it right gets to be the one to choose the Pokemon they want!” Telly turned to face the screen

    “NOW,” he yelled “SHOWS US THE QUESTION!”


    A screen lit up and formed three Images, a large blue pokemon with two arms and two legs, a Swampert.A pale fur colored pokemon, with green arms legs, and a sombrero, a ludicolo. A Pink jellyfish, a Jellicent. Computerized world came from the screen “The question is which one of these Pokemon has does not have an immunity?” A large buzzing sound came from Dave’s desk; he had his hand on the buzzer.


    “The answer is ludicolo.” He had a confidant grin on his face.


    “Correct” the screen said.


    “That means that Dave gets to pick the Pokemon he wants!” Telly said


    “It’s time for the reveal that everyone’s been waiting for.” The stage went dark while two spotlights focused on the raised platforms. Telly pointed at the audience.


    “SHOW US THE POKEMON!” The curtain that was covering them was pulled away. On one of the platforms stood a small blue pokemon, with little feet, and a black swirl on its white belly. It had the shape of a ball, with a tail coming off of it's back. It had two black eyes placed on the top of it's body, a Poliwag. On the other stand a small light blue pokemon stood. It had three blue stripes on its chest, a round tail, and light purple gills sticking out from its side. It had a flat tail and black eyes, a Wooper.


    “So,” Telly said “Which do you choose Dave?”


    “I think I’ll go with Wooper,” Dave said


    “It only has one weakness, while Poliwag has more then that.” The Wooper jumped off the platform and ran to Dave. The Poliwag also jumped off and ran to Clive.


    “Now it’s time to see the first challenge!” Telly said as he pointed at the stage. Three-fourths of the stage reacted into the side of the stage that was not moving. A blue platform was raised into the place where the stage was. It had about a dozen iron poles sticking out of it, with red and white targets on the top.


    “This is the target challenge” Telly said as the targets stated moving “You have one minute to hit as many targets as you can”


    The Wooper and Poliwag jumped onto the desk that they were in front of. Both turned and faced the moving targets.


    "Your minute starts now, begin!”


    A loud sound, like a fog horn, blared and the two Pokemon shot small blasts of water at the moving targets, Dave and Clive giving advice about where to aim.


    “A little to the left Wooper!”


    “That one is too high! Aim for a different one!”


    After sixty seconds passed the fog horn blared again.


    The screen lit up, showing a picture of Dave and Clive. A number appeared under Dave, nineteen. Then a number appeared under Clive, a twenty.


    “The winner of our first challenge is Clive!” Telly said as he pointed at Clive.


    “Next is our second challenge, right after this break!”


    The studio workers ran about, making sure that Telly’s hair was looking good, that the desks had enough battery power. A nurse cam by and made sure that Wooper and Poliwag were in top form. Somebody gave Dave and Clive some water.


    “We’re on in three” The director yelled. All of the workers ran off of the stage as Telly waked to the center of the stage.


    “And we’re back!” Telly said “Clive has won the first challenge, and if he wins the next one he gets his own Poliwag.”


    The target stage was lowered down to the stage, and a different set was raised. It had a large plank of wood which was about fourteen feet tall. It had the numbers one to fourteen.


    “This is the height challenge,” Telly said “Both Pokemon get to shoot a shot of water up, which ever goes highest wins! Since Dave lost the first challenge, he gets to go first!”


    The Wooper Jumped of the desk and ran over to the plank, with Dave right behind him. The Wooper stood right next to the plank, and pointed its head up.


    “Ok,” Dave said to the water ground type “Just focus on shooting”


    The Wooper made a small ball of water in its mouth and shot it up. It went up, reached nine, and then came back down. The screen, (which had removed the numbers that were there before) now displayed a nine.


    “Good job!” Telly said “Now it’s Clive’s turn!”


    Poliwag ran over to the plank and stood next to it. Clive walked over to him.


    “Try to store as much water in your belly, then shoot it all out at once.” Clive said.


    Poliwag nodded and seemed to focus as it filled his belly with water. Then it shot a beam of water up. It went up to the eleven mark before the water ran out.


    “Our Winner is Clive!” Telly said as he walked over to Clive, graved his arm and held it up.


    “He wins this Poliwag! And he also wins an all expense played trip to Oblivia region. Where you can enjoy the lovely beaches and palm trees!” Telly pointed at Dave,


    “You’re not going home empty hand ether! You win the runner up prize! A pack of AA batteries and two hyper potions!” Telly turned to audience


    “Tune in next week for the next extreme episode of Pokemon Choice!”


    Last edited by Meow Wow; 24th June 2012 at 08:29 AM. Reason: Grammer

  2. #2

    Default Re: Pokemon Choice!

    Grade up Wednesday or Thursday.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



  3. #3

    Default Re: Pokemon Choice!

    @Joltik

    Introduction/Plot:

    It’s hard to really get a grasp on any introduction in such a short story because there really isn’t much there to comment on adequately. However, there can be a few areas that can be explored simply for the sake of improving one’s ability.

    So, I did like the introduction. It introduced us to Telly, the program, the contestants, and the Pokemon thereafter. You introduced all the important elements and got the reader wondering what direction the contest would take. You even described how the contest would work without giving the exact details, which helped the mystery of the story, nice work.

    In terms of the plot, I really liked the concept. Something I had never seen before, and you made it a game show for a Pokemon without having the Pokemon battle it out. Your originality really showed through, and that’s half the making of a good part. The Pokemon competing against one another was a nice touch and a fresh take on it.

    Things to look out for, the prize at the end seemed too much for a simple show, but it’s your story so just remember to keep things semi-realistic. Finally, nothing you did wrong, but I would have like to see the Wooper win at least one contest so that we have tie breaker for the winner. This builds suspense and creates a more climatic ending the closer the two contestants are. So, consider that for next time.

    Description:

    Overall, above what I would expect for a story for this rank. With the exception of one minor spot everything was well described and easily able to imagine. You really stepped it up from the last story I graded for you, and that’s good, it’s really fun to see progress in a writer. So, I’m going to go over three areas and see what worked and didn’t work.

    Telly waved at the camera. He was a strange sight, with a bright baby blue suit, a yellow bowtie, and a large brown mullet. He had a dazzling smile which obviously had been unnaturally whitened. Legend is that if you started at his smile for too long, you would lose your sight. They also said that he drank more coffee then humanly possible.
    I like this sentence in the beginning description-wise. You gave the reader a nice general view of what this guy looks like, and you threw in some aspects about his personality that go beyond his physical detail. I believe I pointed this to you in a previous story, but when going for characters, physical description is only a part of it, personality does play a role. I wasn’t looking for that here since you are along going for a medium Pokemon, but I do like how it is added. Keep doing that.

    Here’s some good Pokemon detail you had in the story:

    On one of the platforms stood a small blue pokemon, with little feet, and a black swirl on its white belly. It had the shape of a ball, with a tail coming off of it's back. It had two black eyes placed on the top of [it's] body, a Poliwag.
    Pretty decent detail here, this isn’t much else that can be done detail-wise. The goal should be that if a reader didn’t know what a Pokemon looked like they would be able to conjure up an image, and you did that. Another good note, you also put the relative size of the Pokemon. The brackets around ‘it’s’ is because you have a grammar error. It should be ‘its’.

    The part that was minor and in the wrong was that I didn’t know the age of the contestants for the show. While I could guess at their young age, you were really vague on this matter. It’s pretty minor all things consider, but age does play a factor on how a character should react. We don’t expect a seven year-old to be a gym leader, etc. So watch out for this.

    Grammar:

    “We all know the rules,” Telly said, “[B]ut for any new viewers, let us review!
    A simple mistake here, but because you have a comma after ‘said’ the word ‘but’ is not capitalized because you are continuing the sentence, not ending it.

    A [constant] must win two of them to win!
    Obvious mistake that should be seen with a proofread. This word should be ‘contestant’. Remember, read your work.

    He was [sting] in a desk identical to Dave’s, only his was green.
    Once again, proofread is very important, I can’t stress that enough. A simple spellcheck will not catch these errors, they must be done by hand.

    “Well[,] I’m happy to be here[,] Telly[,]” Dave said[.]
    Missing a bunch of punctuation marks in this sentence. ‘Well’ is a start of the sentence that answers a question, so it needs a comma. Because Dave is talking to Telly you need to have a comma before the name. The comma after Telly is because you have a dialogue tag at the end. Then you are missing the period.

    “Glad to hear that,” [W]as Telly’s reply[.] “Anything else?”
    Because you are saying that Telly replied the word ‘was’ isn’t capitalized. You are also ending the sentence so you need a period.

    Well, I just want everyone to know that I’m going to win[.]”
    The ending of the sentence requires a period.

    ”Hi[,] Mom[.]” Clive said while he waved at the camera.
    Once again, Clive is addressing his mother so a comma needs to go before her title. The period at the end of mom should be a comma because you have a dialogue tag at the end.

    “Ok,” Dave said to the water [] ground type[.] “Just focus on shooting[.]”
    The bracket between ‘water’ and ‘ground’ indicates an errors that can be solved in a couple of ways. The first method would be for you to put the word ‘and’ between them. Or, you can place a hyphen there instead. You also missed the periods at the end of the sentences.

    Alright, you still have a fair number of grammar mistakes that have to be corrected, but you are getting better. You have a few trends punctuation-wise that need to be clear up, but in some places those errors that were present in other sentences were there it make it correct. You are inconsistent, but that can change the more you work on the grammar.

    Length:

    You got there.

    Conclusion:

    You’re progressing pretty well. Poliwag Captured. You’re developing as a writer and slowly getting better. Keep up your progress, pay attention to my critiques, and enjoy the Pokemon.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



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