Poison's a *****

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  1. #1
    Wisco Wisco's Avatar
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    Jan 2011

    Default Poison's a *****

    (Catching a Croagunk)

    I only had 2 prized possessions when I moved away from Eterna City. I had my very first Pokémon, a Gligar I named Snips, and my blue bicycle. The two actually come from the same story. I was very young and my only wish was to have a Pokémon of my own. My father worked with Pokémon so he told me that I could go catch one whenever I was ready. I started saving money because I also wanted a bike so I could travel with my Pokémon and have adventures with it. I eventually saved enough for a blue, all-terrain bicycle. When I bought it, I had some money left over to buy my first Poké Ball. It was getting dark and I wanted to go find a Pokémon right away so I bought a Dusk Ball and started heading south, passing a big sign that said "Route 206". This of course was Sinnoh's very own Cycling Road.

    The sky was just about dark when the streetlights turned on. I was too determined to care about the dark or the trainers on the pathway. When I reached the end of Cycling Road I took a quick left turn and then went back north, I had heard about "Wayward Cave" growing up and that there were plenty of Pokémon to catch in there. I silhouette flew above my head and I stopped pedaling to try and see what it was. After my eyes focused, I saw what looked like a pink bat. It was coming right at me! I ducked and took out my Dusk Ball, aimed carefully, threw it, and got really lucky. I named him Snips (as I said before). The rest is history.

    I'm 17 now. Almost all grown up. So is Snips. After having him for nearly a decade he's evolved and gotten big and strong. When my dad and I moved away from Eterna City we headed straight for Fortree City. We were moving because he finally had gotten his dream job at the Weather Institute and Fortree was the closest place to live. When we got there, I fit right in. Eterna was right next to a forest so I was used to all of the trees and Snips had plenty of space to glide around and search for food. Today I was going on a bike ride with Snips.

    I woke up at around 8 and went to take a shower and get clean. I looked in the mirror to see my hazel eyes. I blinked and left the bathroom to go put on my maroon longsleeved shirt, my jeans, and my black beanie that I'd always pull over my dirty blonde hair. I stepped outside and started looking for Snips. As I started climbing down the ladder to my treehouse, I called him and by the time I reached the ground he was right next to me. "Hey buddy, I know you like sleeping during the day but we're going on a little bike ride today. Is that ok?" I said to him. He smiled and nodded at me and I smiled back and grabbed my bike and hopped on it. Snips jumped on my back and closed his eyes to get a little more rest. We were off.

    Route 119 was where my dad's workplace was and it was quite difficult to ride my bike in due to its usual rain and marshy landscape. Good thing I like a challenge, I started pedaling toward the cloudy road and felt the light, cool droplets come down on me. They didn't wake Snips up while he was snoozing on my back which made me worry less. There were some trainers and frequented this place and I had come to know some of them pretty well. Eugene the fisherman taught me about patience when catching a Pokémon and these bird keepers named Phil and Hugh always had fun with our aerial battles. You could occasionally hear Fabian play his guitar in the distance and his Manectric howling along. Rachel was always willing to let me rest under her umbrella while we watched her Goldeen swim in the ponds. I never really liked any of the ninja boys, though. They always creeped me out with their excellent hiding skills and weird clothes. Finally there were the very cool Pokémon Rangers Catherine and Jackson and they always taught me some cool facts about the Pokémon of Route 119.

    "Any questions for me today, Wisco?" Jackson asked me as I rode by.

    "Actually yes." I replied as I quickly turned around to backtrack to him. "Can you tell me anything about the Pokémon Croagunk? I only saw a few back when I lived in Sinnoh but they always interested me."

    "Ahh, Croagunk." He began. "They're quite interesting Pokémon, actually. They usually tend to live in wet marshlands much like Route 119 here. Most you will find to be very unfriendly and rude but you can occasionally see some peaceful, nature loving ones. They're quite poisonous which shouldn't be a problem for Snips if you're planning on catching one. You can tell when they're secreting their poison when their middle fingers glow purple so watch out when that happens. Finally, they're froglike so if you hear a croaking or ribbiting noise, you're probably close to one"

    "Thanks, Jackson. Are there any chances of finding one here on Route 119?" I never had many words to say like Jackson did.

    "You're in luck, Wisco. The answer to your question is yes. Do you plan on finding one and catching it?" He cocked an eyebrow.

    "Why yes I am, I know the Ranger rules, though. Don't worry. I won't harm him anyone in any way."

    "Good. Have a nice day!"

    "You too, man!" I began to ride deeper into the marsh with new thoughts generating in my head. I was thinking about how Snips might get along with a Croagunk or if they'd fight all the time. I smiled and patted Snips on the head and he nibbled my shirt a bit. I saw many wild Pokémon flying around and swimming in the water and scurrying through the grass. I had already passed the Weather Institute where my father worked and I could see some scientists in the windows from where I was. I continued to absorb my surroundings when a noise penetrated my eardrums. There was a croaking sound amongst all the chatter of the marsh. "Croagunk." I muttered.

    The rain was starting to let up when I spotten a Croagunk on the water. It seemed to be lying on a lilypad and looking up at the sky. I nudge Snips a little and he wakes up slowly as I sit down to pull some recon on my desired Pokémon. It seemed to be male and definitely not mean like Jackson said the majority of Croagunks are. I made sure I had Poké Balls on me (which I did) and I planned my course of action.

    "Alright, Snips" I whispered "You have an advantage because you're a Ground/Flying type and he's a Poison/Fighting type. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't take some precaution. We don't want you getting poisoned before it's even lunchtime." Snips nodded his head at me and began stretching. I began thinking of battle strategies in my head and it mostly incorporated Snips's flight capabilities with a couple of swooping attacks. Once I had a few ideas down, I was ready for action. I got off my blue bike and dropped its kickstand and approached the pond where the Croagunk was. It looked over at us, yawned, and stood up and began croaking. "Let's do this!"

    Snips jumped up into the air and began gliding in the light rain. The Croagunk jumped off of the lilypad and dove into the water. Though frog-like, it wasn't a Water type so it would have to come up for air eventually. "Use a thunder fang on the water!" Snips flew toward the pond and placed his teeth on the surface when they began surging with electricity. The Croagunk flew out of the water and up at Snips with its purple middle finger. It had been damaged but we still had a long way to go before this fighter would go down. "Watch out for-" I began. But the Croagunk managed to hit Snips with it's poison-tipped finger. It wasn't very effective, but I was still worried about the possibility of getting poisoned. Thankfully, the Gliscor was quite the fighter too.

    "Hit him with an Earthquake!" I told Snips and he flew toward the ground with his claws out and it shook the earth and damaged the Croagunk greatly. "Dang! I could have sworn that an earthquake would finish him. Use another!" The Croagunk clearly heard me and jumped back onto its lilypad. The earthquake moved the water around but the Croagunk didn't take any damage from the shaking. "Use fire fang on the lilypad!" the Gliscor opened his mouth again and bit the lilypad with it's fiery teeth causing the the plant to burn to ashes. Some of the water got a little steamy from the sheer heat. The Croagunk had jumped into the air and landed bag down on Snips with its middle finger glowing purple. Snips was startled but it was too late, the amphibian punched him in the back and they both fell into the water.

    I winced a bit at the sound of my Gliscor's cry and waited for either of the two Pokémon to emerge from the pond. Snips jumped out of the water while holding the Croagunk in one of its claws and slammed it to the ground in front of me. The Pokémon seemed to be almost wiped out, so I took out a potion and sprayed it on where Snips had bit him. The Croagunk cried out in pain but eventually started croaking healthily again. I took out one of my signature Dusk Balls and threw it at the nearly-fainted Pokémon. The ball hit it, fell to the ground, and began rolling until it came to a stop. I smiled and picked up the green and black sphere saying "I think I'll name you Dart". I threw the Dusk Ball again and it opened, releasing the shadows in it and my newly caught Pokémon. Dart looked at me and smiled a bit, he was still weak from the fight. A thought hit me: Where was Snips? I looked around and found him near the water, quickly running to him I scooped him up in my arms and swore under my breath. He had been poisoned by that last attack. I quickly returned Dart back to his Dusk Ball and put Snips on my back, mounted my bicycle and began riding toward Fortree City. "Hold on Snips!" I shouted, trying to be louder than the wind rushing past us. He nudged me a few times, I knew he was in pain.

    I could see the Pokémon center in the distance and I started pedaling faster. The light rain was still coming down but I didn't even notice it. I arrived at the red-roofed building and dropped my bike to the ground only to immediately begin running toward the front door. I reached the front counter and Nurse Joy saw the dark look on my face and Snips on my backand said "Oh my, he's poisoned. What happened, Wisco?"

    "Well he was fighting a Croagunk and-"

    "No worries, we'll take him in right away and get him healthy again"

    "Thank you so very much, Nurse Joy." I handed her my beloved Gliscor and also released Dart from his Dusk Ball and set him on the counter.

    "Is this the same Croagunk?" I nodded at her. "We'll heal him up too. It must have been quite some fight." I took my black beanie off and ran a hand through my sweaty hair. I saw a seat in the corner of the waiting room and sat down. After an hour or two had passed, I heard footsteps running toward me and it was Dart with Snips riding on his back.

    "You guys are ok!" I said smiling. I thanked Nurse Joy again and was ready to get back on my bike to go show Dart to my dad while he was still at work. Snips let Dart onto his back this time and began gliding in the air next to me as I rode. Just me and my purple Pokémon.

  2. #2
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010

    Default Re: Poison's a *****


    Introduction ~ An introduction should set up your story and provide some basic information. You want to create something that will catch a reader’s eye; this is called a hook. The problem with your introduction is that is just seems like a block of text that has no real bearing on the story. If you wanted this information within the story it would have been better for you to just mention the important parts and try to space it throughout the story.

    You want the first sentence to immediately draw the reader in so they remain engaged.
    Quote Originally Posted by me
    I had just completed my morning shower and stood in front of my bathroom mirror. Through the heated steam I saw a familiar face staring back at me. Hazel eyes, short wild hair, sharp features, and a dazzling smile. My normally pale skin began to flush from the heat of the steam so I hurriedly dress and exited the bathroom to my best friend, Snips, laying on my bed dozing.
    Instead of a block of text I immediately jump into description of the scene and the main character. The reader is introduced to the main Pokémon and from there you can write how the character originally got his best friend. Your introduction was fine, but in future writings try not to start off with a block of text.

    Plot ~

    The cliche story: boy walks into forest, finds mon, battles mon. This is used here. Basically, change a few details and this story fits the mold; this is not ideal. Your plot works for this mon only because you are going for a medium mon, but when you are going for hard and higher you have to become original and creative. For example, instead of just wandering to find the Pokemon. Something that I saw that you could have done was take a spin off the father’s job. For instance, there could have been a series of strong rain storms and the people at the weather center didn’t know why. Something like that add more excitement to the story and is not run of the mill. Try to apply this kind of thought in future stories if you do any.

    Characters ~

    A strong character can make or break a story. Although this was a short story, your character was shallow at best. You never really explained what kind of person he was and you had hardly any description of what he looked like. Try to tell us something about who the character is. Is he a pain to be around? A nice person? Et cetera. This adds more depth to a story and for higher ranks this is a must.


    Detail ~

    Your description was spotty at best and just shy of average. When writing you need to describe these things: senses, environment, characters, Pokemon, Pokemon attacks, and objects. These things combined give the reader a great understand of what is happening and draws the reader in. Now, you has some detail in terms of character, Pokemon attacks, and some of the senses. For a basics story you did good to mention those things, so good job. You did really well when you described the clothing of the main character so try and take what you did there and transfer that to other aspects of your writing. Here’s some examples of what I mean:

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    The rain was starting to let up when I spotten a Croagunk on the water.
    You have a grammar mistake there but we’ll get to that later. Your sentence was okay, but here is what you could done different.

    Quote Originally Posted by me
    The fierce downpour of water was just starting to let up when I stumbled upon a marsh. The sound of a low croak alerted me to the presence of another Pokemon. I slunk through the wild reeds until I came across a body of muddy brown water. Atop a shamrock colored lily pad was the lavender outline of a Croagunk. The two cherry red pouches on its cheeks were slightly puffed out as the Pokemon forced air through them to croak.
    I could have added some other stuff, but do you see how the whole atmosphere surrounding the sentence has changed? It gives the reader better visualization.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    "Hit him with an Earthquake!" I told Snips and he flew toward the ground with his claws out and it shook the earth and damaged the Croagunk greatly.
    This is some basic description for a story. But eventually you’ll need to take this one step further for harder captures.

    Quote Originally Posted by me
    ”Hit him with an Earthquake!” I told Snips. The peach colored Pokemon used its skin folds to glide and gain altitude before it turned to the ground, its curved claws stretched before it. Using the Pokemon that it contained as ground type, Gliscor hit the Earth and plunged its claws into the soft, loamy dirt. A cry sprang from its lip and heaved. A rolling wave of energy underneath the ground shot from Gliscor and sped toward Croagunk. Unable to dodge, the poison Pokemon do a good deal of damage.
    You don’t want to just tell us what the Pokemon did, show us what happened. It creates an in depth battle and draws the reader in. You did well for the first time, though.

    Overall you did a decent job, you just need to focus on environment, Pokemon, and characters.


    This was the weakest part of your story. You had a few things that proofreading would have solved, but there are some were you consistently got it wrong. Those will be the ones that I will focus on.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    Good thing I like a challenge[,] I started pedaling toward the cloudy road and felt the light, cool droplets come down on me.
    Because these are two independent clauses you need to have either a period or a semicolon.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    They didn't wake Snips up while he was snoozing on my back[] which made me worry less
    Where the brackets are you need to have a period because you have an independent clause.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    Eugene the fisherman taught me about patience when catching a Pokémon[] and these bird keepers named Phil and Hugh always had fun with our aerial battles
    You need to have a comma by the brackets because they are both independent clauses.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    "Actually[] yes[.]" I replied as I quickly turned around to backtrack to him. "Can you tell me anything about the Pokémon Croagunk? I only saw a few back when I lived in Sinnoh but they always interested me."
    You need to have commas by the brackets. You need the second comma because you are using an action word to describe the dialogue. If you didn’t, then the period would be fine.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    Most you will find to be very unfriendly and rude[] but you can occasionally see some peaceful, nature loving ones.
    You need to have a comma in the brackets because you are contrasting.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    Finally, they're frog[]like so if you hear a croaking or ribbiting noise, you're probably close to one"
    There needs to be hyphen here.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    "Why yes I am, I know the Ranger rules, though. Don't worry. I won't harm him anyone in any[ ]way."
    That is one word not two.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    "Croagunk[.]" I muttered.
    There needs to be a comma there, just like before, because you are essentially continuing the sentence.

    "Alright, Snips[]" I whispered[] "[Y]ou have an advantage because you're a Ground/Flying type and he's a Poison/Fighting type.
    Same thing as before. Comma in the first because of whispered. Now for the second. If you put a period after whispered then the cap Y stays. But if you use a comma then you need to remove the cap. I spotted a few of these so be sure to get them fixed.

    "Use a [t]hunder [f]ang on the water!"
    Spotted a few of these. Pokemon things need to be capitalized. You did it correctly for Pokemon and items, but not for attacks. Remedy this for future writings.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    [t]he Gliscor opened his mouth again[] and bit the lilypad with it[']s fiery teeth[] causing the the plant to burn to ashes
    Here are the things that you did wrong. Be sure to go back and check for mistakes like these because I didn’t list them all. Remember to keep an eye out for these errors if you continue to write.


    Just above the length.


    This was probably your best section. The final fight was even and both Pokemon took their hits. Something to make your battles better will be to take abilities and environment into account. For instance, because it is raining Croagunk has the advantage over Gliscor because not only does it heal in rain it has the ability to remain underwater for a good period of time. Furthermore, because Gliscor is weak to water you could have used attacks on the water with Croagunk to injure Gliscor, or you could throw Gliscor in the water. Try to be creative in your attacks also. Don’t keep trying the same attacks over and over again. Mix it up and try to use combos to make moves more effective.

    Overall: This was borderline for me, but I’m going to say Captured. For the effort of a medium mon you did pretty well and i think you deserve the mon. For harder mon you’ll need to work on what I pointed out otherwise you’ll fail. If you take what I said to heart you’ll go far as a writer. Have fun with them mon.
    Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 17th June 2011 at 08:35 PM.
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