Plenty More Fish in the Sea

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Thread: Plenty More Fish in the Sea

  1. #1
    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
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    Default Plenty More Fish in the Sea


    Intended Capture: Tynamo
    CC Needed: 10,000

    "Alright, son, you ready to see a beauty?" the fisherman chuckled.

    The brown-haired boy beside him nodded enthusiastically. "I wanna see, Papa. I wanna see," he shouted happily.

    "First you have to sit down though. We wouldn't want this boat toppling over, would we?"

    "Nope."

    "Son, that's a rhetorical question. No need to answer... okay?"

    "Yup."

    The fisherman sighed. His son was the very essence of life; always throwing himself around and so excitable. Ahh, the innocence of youth. He quickly grabbed his son and snatched him back.

    "No going in the water!" his father scowled. "You could drown!"

    "But, Papa. It's me in the water! Look!" he squealed at his reflection in the water. In the water a freckle-faced boy of four years stared back. He ran his hand over the image.

    "Dad, I scared him away!"

    The man sighed. He knew he shouldn't have brought his son. Shame his mother wanted him out of the house for a few hours. "Okay," he whipped out a large battery box. "Watch this beauty!" the man laughed, flinging it into the water. Water splashed up creating ripples in the water as the box sunk. There was a horrible sizzling sound as the electricity spread through the water. Dead fish after dead fish bobbed to the surface.

    "Fishies!" the boy shouted as his Papa took out a large net.

    "Dinner." the man laughed.

    -o-

    At the bottom of this lake a young Tynamo was playing chasing with a little Poliwag. The two had been great friends since birth and when Tynamo's mother had to leave, Tynamo was put in the care of Politoed and her family. It was an odd thing for a Pokemon that wasn't a Water type to inhabit the lake, especially Electric types. But, Tynamo were very strange little creatures. Its little white body wiggled as it soared through the water. It resembled a tiny eel with a red cross mouth. Poliwag was similar to a tadpole in many ways and it bounded happily along after the Tynamo.

    Tynamo took a sharp turn and slipped underneath some coral at the lake floor. Poliwag was to large to fit through so it climbed over the coral. This gave little Tynamo a huge advantage and Tynamo was at the finish line in seconds.

    "Yes!" he squealed happily. Tynamo was such a speedy Pokemon, but this all changed, along with its love of water, when it evolved into the Lamprey Pokemon. Suddenly he felt a huge surge rush through his body, sending his heart pounding. He felt as though he could beat even the mighty Poliwrath in a race now.

    But, something wasn't right. Where did Poliwag go? He looked up and he saw Poliwag floating up the surface rof the water. Oh no! Politoed never let us up there. Poliwag would be in big trouble, Tynamo thought. Tynamo had to save his best friend from being grounded.

    "Poliwag! Come back!" he piped up as his litlte tailfin worked harder and harder to get there. Tynamo was growing tired but the thought of his friend getting in trouble propelled him. Eventually he got up with Poliwag, as it was near the surface but something wasn't right. She wasn't moving and her blue skin was covered in botchy bruises.

    "Poliwag, wake up, my good friend!" Tynamo began to panic as they were getting too close to surface level. The water was much thinner up here and his gills weren't taking in enough water. He grabbed Poliwag's long tail and began to tug it down. It was no use! Poliwag kept climbing higher and higher in the water and Tynamo had to stop. Tynamo pulled back and watched Poliwag hit surface level and stop. What the heck was going on here!? Tynamo turned around and noticed it wasn't just Poliwag. Hundreds and hundreds of bodies floated past him. Goldeen, the coral store owner! Poliwhirl, his adopted brother! He gasped in horror as he saw the familiar green Pokemon known as Politoed.

    "Mama!" he cried.

    Tynamo realised she wasn't sleeping like the rest of them and her eyes were flickering open a little.

    "Mama, what's going on?! Mama!" he demanded, panic evident in his voice.

    She croaked something unaudible, before her eyes slid shut one final time. He watched teary-eyed as his whole neighbourhood passed by him.

    It was some time before Tynamo swam back down to the bottom again. His eyes had been spilling tears non-stop for so long and now they were dry. He coughed as he got to the bottom and curled up in a ball. Perhaps this was just a dream...

    Wait a second, he thought. His whole body went still and he felt it again. It was like an odd tingling sensation as something pulse through the water. Huh? He followed the pulsing sensation as he swam through the water. It seemed to grow stronger and stronger until he reached a large black box he had never noticed before. The pulse was really strong here. What was going on?

    Tynamo stared intently at it; almost as though it was giving him instructions in the way electricity shot through the water. It was so odd he could just stare at it forever. He was the only one now.. perhaps he should just stare at it forever...

    -o-

    There was a ripple from behind Tynamo and he spun around. It was dark now so he must have been staring at the box for longer than he had realised. Something blue rushed by a little head in a whoosing noise.

    "Who's there?" Tynamo called out into the ever-present darkness. A pressing silence greeted him and he began to panic. He heard that whoosing noise from behind him and spun around to see a blue tentacle disappear into the underwater reeds. "Hello?" Tynamo squeaked, backing away.

    "You're gonna pay for what you've done..." something whispered into his ear. It was a sly, seductive voice that seemed so confident in itself. Tynamo whipped his tailfin around in an attempt to hit whatever was there. It shot through the water without connecting with anything... or anyone.

    "W-who's there?"

    "We're the people..." that whispering voice said from somewhere above. As Tynamo looked up, he saw nothing there. "Who will make you pay!" it hissed and Tynamo spun around to see glaring red eyes peer out from the darkness. Lots of thrashing tendrils shot forward and wrapping around his body, constricting him from movement. Tynamo let the darkness overwhelm him as the tendrils wrapped tighter and tigher around him.

    -o-

    "Let me at him!" one of the blue creatures hissed as it floated forwards. Tynamo flinched a little as he saw the creature that had attacked him earlier before him looking ready to charge forward. "I'll squeeze the little eel to death. I swear." The jellyfish spat out some blotchy ink at Tynamo, who began to cower.

    "Back off!" one of the large creatures snapped. It had a puffy white chest and seemed to resemble a Seadra. "No one goes near him until we find out why he did it, and more importantly, how-- we need to know to prevent such a disaster ever reoccuring. It seems he has awoken," the mighty seahorse said, looking directly at Tynamo. He saw the fear and confusion on the face of the young Tynamo-- but not only that... he saw innocence."

    "Why would you be nice to that runt!" a large snake-like Pokemon hissed. It had a large orange head fin and it looked quite intimidating with its pointed fangs. "I say we demand answers from it!"

    Yeah," some of the many large onlookers muttered in approval.

    "Screw this," Frillish hissed and dove forward, tentacles lashing out at the poor Tynamo. Tynamo backed up against a large piece of pink coral and cringed, tears springing to his eyes. Before the Frillish could hit Tynamo wwith the tentacles its body was sent flying to one side and into more of the tough coral. It wheezed and slithered down to the sandy floor below. What had shoved the Frillish out of the way was that seahorse Pokemon. It looked so brave and strong, Tynamo couldn't help thinking. It had just saved Tynamo from pain so it was Tynamo's new friend.

    "Anyone else got a problen?!" the Seadra demanded, its pointed wing-fins were sticking out making it look much larger and intimidating. The crowd of large Water type Pokemon all shut up and looked at him-- some looked with hatred, but most looked with respect. "Now," he said softly, turning his attention back to the startled Tynamo. "Do you even know what has happened?"

    Tynamo felt as though he could trust this powerful seahorse so he told him the truth. "No, but I'm scared. Where is Poliwag gone?" he wailed, bursting into floods of tears. The Seadro swam forward and turned to face the others. "Clearly he couldn't control himself. He must have reached the age where he starts to develop!"

    "No," the snake-like Pokemon said. "Such a small creature could not do so much damage and wipe out almost a whole lake full of Pokemon in just a few shocks. He looks like he can hardly produce a spark as it is."

    "You should no better, Huntail. You shouldn't judge people based on first impresions. Eelektross are very powerful creatures, perhaps Tynamo are too. It's been so long since anyone has seen another in this lake," Seadra replied.

    "Wait," a small voice piped up. The large water-dwellers all turned around to see the Tynamo. "I know what happened, I think. I was playing with my best buddy Poliwag and when I won the race Poliwag started sleeping and he began to go up to the water top. Politoed said we could never go up there. So when I went up to save him from trouble, I saw a big black box. It wasn't a normal box. It sent out special waves... they made me feel good inside and I felt I could stare at it forever..." Tynamo said before taking a large breath. He had forgotten to take a deep breath before talking and now he felt light-headed.

    There was a very awkward silence before Seadra said the first words, "can you take us to this box?"

    -o-

    Six months had passed since this incident had happened. Seadra took the young Tynamo under his wing and trated him like family. The inhabitants of the lake began to repopulate and within just a short time there were lots of young friends for Tynamo. He was older than them, but he liked it-- he felt like a mentor to them. The news of what had happened had travelled far... even to neighbouring lakes and Tynamo was a local hero. The inhabitants of the lake had learned from their mistakes and they soon realised that by coating themselves in a layer of mud-- a very common substance in the bottom of the lake, the would be granted an immunity to these electric pulses that the box emitted. It took some brave volunteers to test it out though!

    "Seadra," Tynamo said, looking at the creature that was closest to family. "It is time that I move on. I am ready to evolve and I must reach dry land. I don't know how I know I need to do this... I just do. I must leave," Tynamo finished, a tear hanging in his eye.

    Seadra looked down at the seabed, unsure of what to say for a while. "Well then you must go. Farewell," Seadra said to his adopted son. Tynamo looked hurt, but he turned his back and started to head upwards to fresh air and to a new life. He had said his goodbyes to everyone already. They had all been understanding to him-- everyone except Seadra, he thought sadly.

    "Son," a familiar voice croaked. Tynamo spun around to see the Seadra looking up at him, teary-eyed. "I love you."
    Last edited by Synthesis; 21st March 2011 at 12:22 PM.

  2. #2
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Plenty More Fish in the Sea

    Claimed.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
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  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Plenty More Fish in the Sea

    Intro: You start off from the point of view of some supporting characters. Also, they're the characters that set the plot going, which makes it even cooler. Funnily enough, I think you did a better job giving personality to the father and son than any of the Pokemon. Anyways, you set up the plot, and soon after that you introduce the Pokemon characters. We get some quick background on Tynamo, which is nice, if not super elegant (You could try working in background throughout the story instead of all together in one paragraph) and then the story happens. So you're intro does what it's supposed to, which means you're good. ;D

    Plot: Alright, so, a Tynamo is living with a family of Polis. One day, a father and sun come to the lake where the Pokemon live and electrocute most of them. Tynamo gets to see all his dead family and friends float by and freaks out. He runs into some tougher Pokemon who didn't die, who then beat him up. Fortunately, a Seadra (who appears to be leader) steps in and helps him, then raises him for six months until Tynamo is ready to evolve. Wow, Synth. Compared to most of your stories, this is almost heart warming. Other than, y'know, the part with the dead bodies floating by, but that was actually kinda cool, so....

    Most of your stories seem to revolve around horror to some degree. I think you could've gone into more detail about how psychologically screwed he was after that. I mean, you don't see the electrocuted corpses of your loved ones floating around you, then go along your merry way. WHERE IS THE ANGST!? You could've even drawn it out and gotten a Poliwag. But meh. What you had was pretty good, though you've been churning out these 5 or 10k stories for a while now. You should step it up, 'cause you're a good writer and I know you could do it. WRITE FOR A ROTOM! YOU CAN DO IT! GOGOGOGOGOGOGO!

    Dialogue: Not much dialogue, but it's not super good or bad. There was some grammar stuff involved with it, but I mentioned that below.

    Grammar:

    In the water a freckle-faced boy of four years stared back.
    Comma after 'water'.

    "Watch this beauty!" the man laughed, flinging it into the water.
    You can't use laughed as a dialogue tag, because you can't laugh dialogue. Instead, you could say something like:

    "Watch this beauty!" the man said with a laugh, flinging it into the water.
    Water splashed up creating ripples in the water as the box sunk.
    Comma after 'up'.

    At the bottom of this lake a young Tynamo
    Comma after 'lake'.

    Its little white body
    Comma after 'little', since you're listing characteristics.

    At the bottom of this lake a young Tynamo was playing chasing with a little Poliwag. The two had been great friends since birth and when Tynamo's mother had to leave, Tynamo was put in the care of Politoed and her family.
    You say Poliwag the rest of the story, but here you say Politoed. :X Be careful of little slips like that.

    Poliwag was to large
    'To' should be 'too'.

    Suddenly he felt a huge surge rush through his body
    Comma after 'suddenly'.

    But, something wasn't right.
    You don't need a comma there.

    Poliwag would be in big trouble, Tynamo thought.
    You should make thought obviously separate from the prose. You can usually do this with italics or something like that. It's not really wrong, just a good thing to do. ^^

    Where is Poliwag gone?"
    'Is' should be 'has'.

    You should no better,
    'No' should be 'know'.

    Detail: Your description was kind of the bare minimum here. We vaguely know what the Pokemon and the lake look like and get one or two quick mentions of hair color in the human characters. It would've been nice to have a little more. Also, the mini-battle between Tynamo and the bigger Pokemon could have had more description of the moves. I DID Like the description of the waves of electricity moving through the length and how they made Tynamo feel. So....Since I seem to keep end up grading your stories, in your next one, I want you to do a better job of describing stuff. Alright? Baha. I won't let you be lazy.

    Length: You needed 10k and you had 11k, so you're good.

    Reality: There are two things I want to point out here and I'm probably being nitpicky, but there you are.

    He watched teary-eyed as his whole neighbourhood passed by him.
    I know you wrote this to express grief, but I'm pretty sure Tynamo would be unable to cry. See, most non-mammalian marine animals lack tear ducts (With the exception of crocodilians, turtles, and a few others, who cry tears to get rid of excess salt in their bodies). No fish is able to cry and eels are a type of fish. I'm not really counting this against you, just saying, if you'd done some research, it would have impressed me, and probably a lot of the other graders who have some kind of background in science.

    "Son, a familiar voice croaked. Tynamo spun around to see the Seadra looking up at him, teary-eyed. "I love you."
    The Seadra and Tynamo only knew each other six months. That seems a little....personal. MAYBE saying 'I love you' would work, but calling him 'son'? I dunno. Just seemed odd.

    Personal Feelings: As usual, I enjoyed your writing and won't make you wait any longer for the verdict.

    Outcome: Tynamo....captured.

    Have fun with your new rape-eel....I mean....Tynamo!

    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

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