Thread: Pichuphobia

(Stats)

My first story, so don't be mean.

Target Pokémon: Pichu (Simple)
Character Goal: 5-10k (7182)

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"C'mon, Squirtle! I know you can do this! Use Rapid Spin!" Pokémon Trainer Mason shouted at his Squirtle, trying to knock down a tree. "Squirtle... Squirt Squirt!" Squirtle got into its shell, started spinning, then slammed into the tree. All it did was shook. "Squirtle, it's not gonna work until you try harder!" Mason pointed at the tree. "Use the hardest Rapid Spin you can!"

They were in Pintu Forest. It was very green, and wild Pokémon happily roamed everywhere.

Squirtle nodded. "Squirtle!" He got inside his shell, then started spinning. He continued spinning, and got faster by the second. He slammed into the tree, but this time, it fell. Squirtle started panting, then fell down on his belly. Mason gave him a thumbs up. "Great job, Squirtle!" Mason sat down next to their campfire, and got his backpack off of his shoulder. "Hey, Squirtle, let's eat." Squirtle got up at the thought of eating, then walked over to Mason.

Squirtle was walking slowly, and a Pichu and an Igglybuff jumped in front of them. "Pi-Pichu, Pichu!" The Pichu argued. It slapped the Igglybuff. "Buff! Iggly-Igg!" The Igglybuff slapped back. "Whoa..." said Mason, "What are those Pokémon? I haven't seen them around!" Mason unzipped his backpack, and got out his PokéDex. He spun the dial on it until he found Pichu. "Pichu, the Tiny Mouse Pokémon, and pre-evolved form of Pikachu." the PokéDex's voice said. "It is unskilled at storing electric power. Any kind of shock causes it to discharge energy spontaneously."

He nodded, then continued to watch them argue as he spun the dial on the PokéDex until it got to Igglybuff. "Igglybuff, the Balloon Pokémon, and pre-evolved form of Jigglypuff. Igglybuff's resiliant body allows it to bounce endlessly once it's been put in motion." Mason smiled, then put his PokéDex back. "Squirtle! Use Water Gun on both of these Pokémon!" Squirtle put his head up, and started breathing in. Then, it spat water from its mouth at Igglybuff, which sent it back. He looked at Pichu, whom was making an angry face at him. Squirtle decided not to attack Pichu.

"Squirtle, what's wrong!? Use Water Gun on Pichu, now!" Squirtle stepped away from Pichu, and shook its head. "Pi-pi-pi-pi!" Pichu laughed. Then, it closed its eyes, and a small bolt of electricity shocked Squirtle. "Squirtle! Squirt Squirt!" he over-exaggerated. Igglybuff came in and slapped Pichu in the back of the head. Pichu turned around and they continued arguing. "Squirtle! What are you waiting for!? Use Skull Bash!" Squirtle shook its head, then ran over and hugged Mason's leg. "Squirtle!" Squirtle wept.

Then, a boy about the same age as Mason with a black shirt and jeans on came in. He had blonde hair that went to his neck and green eyes. "Igglybuff! There you are, I've been looking everywhere for you! Return!" he said. Igglybuff was dragged back into its Poké Ball. "Oh, you again." he said. "Sir," he looked at Mason. "Is this YOUR Pichu? If so, it's been making my Igglybuff very upset. I should report you to the authorities for this." Mason shook his head. "No, that's not my Pichu. But that was your Igglybuff?" Mason asked. "What's your name? Mine's Lance! Nice to meet ya!"

Lance stuck out his hand for Mason to shake. Mason shook it, and stood up. "My name's Mason. But, you avoided my ques-" Lance interrupted, "Hey, do you wanna have a Pokémon Battle?" He asked. Squirtle jumped on Mason's shoulder, then pointed at Pichu. It was running away from them "Pichu!" said Mason. "Aw, man! I was planning on catching th-" Lance interrupted, again. "I'll take that as a yes! Go, Igglybuff!" Lance threw the Poké Ball, and it hit Squirtle on the head. "Squirt!" He fell off of Mason's shoulder.

Igglybuff came out on the ground. "Iggly!" Mason pointed at Igglybuff. "Squirtle, let's go!" Squirtle jumped up, then walked over, right in front of Mason. "Let the games begin!" shouted Lance. Man, this guy's weird... Mason thought. "Igglybuff! Use Pound!" Lance yelled. Igglybuff ran over, and attempted to punch Squirtle, but he jumped in the air. "Buff?" Igglybuff was shocked. Mason laughed. "Now, Squirtle, use Rapid Spin!" Squirtle got in his shell, hit the ground, and started spinning like crazy.

He smashed into Igglybuff, and knocked her down. Then, he turned around to go for a second blow. "Igglybuff, use Sing to knock him out!" Igglybuff hummed a lullaby, and Squirtle fell asleep. He started slowing down, and stopped right in front of Igglybuff. "Squirtle, no!" Mason shouted. "Now," said Lance. "Use Pound to send 'em flying!" Igglybuff chuckled, then punched the shell. It flew way back, and Squirtle popped out of his shell when he hit the ground. He was still sleeping, and was not soon going to wake up.

"Squirtle! Aw, man. I'm gonna lose!" Igglybuff walked over to Squirtle. "Igglybuff, use Pound, right on its belly!" Lance commanded. "Buff!" Igglybuff got ready to punch, but Squirtle woke up quickly, and kicked Igglybuff away. Igglybuff hit the ground, and got up. "Alright, Squirtle, get your revenge! Use Aqua Tail!" Squirtle nodded. It ran towards Igglybuff, and hit it with its tail. Once it hit, water went around them. Squirtle did a flip and landed on his feet. He stuck his tongue out at Igglybuff, who couldn't get up. "Igglybuff!" shouted Lance. "Yes!" Mason cheered. "I won! Ha!"

Squirtle walked back to Mason and smiled, then got on his shoulder. "You did great, Squirtle, and you know it!" Mason looked at Lance. "Hey, Lance! Good match!" Lance bawled and ran away. "Uh... O-kay... Squirtle, let's go-" Mason was interrupted by a squeak behind him. He turned around, and saw the Pichu. It had both hands on its hips. Mason gasped, then pointed at Pichu. "Look, Squirtle! Now's our chance! Use-" Squirtle was hiding behind Mason.

Mason sighed. "Squirtle! Don't you want a new friend? I'd think you were lonely being my only Pokémon and all. "Squirrt..." Squirtle looked at Pichu, which was laughing at him, and making mean faces. Squirtle shook his head. "Squirt, Squirtle!" Mason picked up Squirtle and put him in front of him. "C'mon. You won't even have to touch 'em. Use Water Gun." Squirtle covered his eyes, and used a light Water Gun. Pichu laughed in pity of his useless attack and started chasing him around.

"Amazing job, Squirtle, now jump over him and use Skull Bash!" Squirtle ignored Mason, and they continued running in circles around him. "Squirtle! Do it now or I'm not gonna give you lunch." Squirtle suddenly stopped, then gulped. He jumped, and went over Pichu. Then, he started running, head first. He slammed into Pichu, which sent him forward. Pichu turned around. It closed its eyes, then two bolts of lightning came from its cheeks.

"Squirtle! Use Protect!" Squirtle gulped, and a barrier went around him. The bolts of lightning hit the barrier, and Squirtle remained unaffected. "Now, finish it off with Bite!" Squirtle ran over, and bit Pichu's head. Pichu started running around, then tripped. "Perfect." said Mason. He got his backpack off of his shoulder, and unzipped it. He dug around, then found a Poké Ball. "Go! Poké Ball!" He threw it at Pichu. It was dragged inside.

C'mon... C'mon! Mason thought.

Claiming. I should get this back to you soon-ish.

Introduction: You gave us the character, the setting, and the situation, which is good. However, you did it in a way that didn’t really grab my attention. I don’t know what sortof person Mason is, even though I should start to get a sense of that right off the bat; I don’t know what Mason looks like; I don’t know what Squirtle looks like; I don’t know what the Rapid Spin hitting the tree really looks like. You have the baseline there, and it’s pretty solid. You just need to take your introduction a bit farther. An introduction should show me what’s different and special about your story. It’s kindof a couple paragraph “why should I read this?” manifesto. Give me something unique about Mason; give me something unique about his Pokémon; give me something unique about where they are. Your choice. Just, in the future, give me something to grab at.

A side note: the “They were in Pintu Forest” paragraph clarified some things, but it also felt pretty out of place. Description should flow naturally with the story. Instead of stepping out of the narrative to say “They’re in Pintu,” weave info like that into the action/thoughts of the characters. For example, when he’s attacking the tree, you could say, “It was your typical Pintu Forest tree—green, tall, plain. It blocked most of the sunlight, as did its fellow trees, but Pokémon were attracted to and happy in this place.” But in your style and your voice.

Plot: This is a step above the “forest-Trainer-Pokémon” plots, but if you strip away the little ornamentations (like the trainer-trainer battle), it has the same basic pattern. That’s fine, for now, and you definitely wrote this plot well. If you want to start capturing more difficult Pokémon, your plots will have to start getting more complex and original. Perhaps you could give your trainer a goal, or a conflict—and not just “beat the gym leaders.” Maybe it’s his dream to join Rocket, so he’s seeking out crime spots to follow ‘em home. Or maybe he promised a friend he’d raise their Pokémon for them, take it to glory in their name. Once you know what sortof story you want to write—inspirational, dark, comedic, adventuresome—figure out a plot and characters that will allow you to achieve that. And reach for the stars. Try something awesome. You’ve already got the hang of putting a spin on something old—so spin it more. Shake up our expectations and do something that we could never have seen coming, or something that we’ve never seen before. There are lots of ways to do this with characters, plots—even description—so start experimenting.

Your plot right now is drawn together pretty tightly. Trainer in woods meets other Trainer; they have a fun scuffle; Trainer captures Pokémon friend. If you wanted to spice this up, you could give one of the Trainers an unusual reason for being in the woods, or something in the woods could alter their plans for the day (earthquake, poison Pokémon attacks, et cetera). Play with what you have and see if you can come up with something even more awesome.

Like I said, this plot is pretty good for a Simple level—especially a first story. It’s far more coherent and complex than a lot of what we see in URPG at this level. So great job, there. ^_^ Just consider what I’ve said about plots for when you write more in the future.

Grammar: Your grammar was pretty darned good. It’s always nice to see a grammar section this short. Just remember to check over your story for clarity, because you had a few sentences that didn’t make sense. Usually, it was because a question went unanswered or you couldn’t tell who was acting/being addressed/speaking.

The only big problem that’s relevant at this point: paragraphing.

Every time you have a new speaker, action, thought process, flow of ideas, et cetera, you need a new paragraph. You got the last few down, but the “speaker” section had some issues.

Then, a boy about the same age as Mason with a black shirt and jeans on came in. He had blonde hair that went to his neck and green eyes. "Igglybuff! There you are, I've been looking everywhere for you! Return!" he said. Igglybuff was dragged back into its Poké Ball. "Oh, you again." he said. "Sir," he looked at Mason. "Is this YOUR Pichu? If so, it's been making my Igglybuff very upset. I should report you to the authorities for this." Mason shook his head. "No, that's not my Pichu. But that was your Igglybuff?" Mason asked. "What's your name? Mine's Lance! Nice to meet ya!"

This should look something like…

Then, a boy about the same age as Mason with a black shirt and jeans on came in. He had blonde hair that went to his neck and green eyes. "Igglybuff! There you are, I've been looking everywhere for you! Return!" he said.

Igglybuff was dragged back into its Poké Ball.

"Oh, you again," he said [looking at the Pichu]. "Sir," he looked at Mason. "Is this YOUR Pichu? If so, it's been making my Igglybuff very upset. I should report you to the authorities for this."

Mason shook his head. "No, that's not my Pichu. But that was your Igglybuff?" Mason asked.

"What's your name? Mine's Lance! Nice to meet ya!"

A smaller issue: you flubbed your dialogue tags a little. Remember that when you add “he said,” “he exclaimed,” et cetera, to a piece of dialogue, you need to use a comma, not a period. You got it most of the time, but you missed a few periods that should’ve been commas.

Also, remember that if the “tag” sentence isn’t a “dialogue verb” like said, spoke, yelled, and the like, you have to use a period. So…

"Sir," he looked at Mason. ← looking at Mason isn’t a speaking verb.
“Sir.” He looked at Mason. ← correct form

Description/Battle: You have most of the details there. I’m still wanting a picture of Mason, Lance, and their Pokémon. However, you also gave us indications of the surroundings, the actions, and the interactions pretty darned well. Remember that visual and action details aren’t your only options—you can give us an even better picture of Pintu Forest by describing the musky, rotten-wood and moist-ground scent in the air, the sensation of well-traveled mud squishing beneath Mason’s boots, the happy calls of Pokémon in the distance… Little tidbits paint a scene without setting you down and saying, “THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE.”

One thing to consider is that, in your battles, what will make them really, really interesting is the description. “Pichu sent Igglybuff flying” is one thing. “Pichu released a column of electricity into Igglybuff so powerful that it flew through the air and dented a tree, sending a shower of leaves and a confused nest of Pidgey to the ground” is another thing. You don’t want to overdo it, but you definitely want to get a bit more specific. Show what the attacks look like, sound like, feel like… then show the consequences. Don’t forget to incorporate the natural playing-field, ‘cause that’s a huge draw to battle scenes.

On a whole, you battle scene was well choreographed, but wasn’t as awesome as it could’ve been because your description didn’t paint it in my head as amazingly as it could’ve. You definitely have a solid start, though. I can see you nailing this no problem.

Length: Yup

Verdict: Pichu Captured. You’ve got a solid head start on grammar, and your plot was definitely good for a Simple capture (especially considering that it’s your first story). Like I said, you’ll want to ramp up the complexity for higher captures, and you definitely need to sort out your description. However, you’ve got a pretty good start on those. It’s a matter of improving your skills, rather than creating them—that makes you lucky. Improvement happens naturally as you write more, but you should also try to work towards it. I can see you shaping up to be a really, really awesome writer. Good luck. ☺