The Peskiest Magikarp Ever (Pending Grade)

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  1. #1
    Pigeon Chaser BenBen's Avatar
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    Default The Peskiest Magikarp Ever (Pending Grade)

    Target Pokemon: Magikarp
    Required Chacracter Count: 3000-5000
    Character Count: 3278


    Ben finally had his 1st Pokémon, meaning he could start his journey, and such. He headed off, hoping to find a wild Pokémon to catch. It didn't matter if it was a Magikarp, even though they're useless, all he wanted was experience in catching a Pokémon. He noticed a Magikarp splashing around in a puddle. Ben sent out his Scraggy to weaken the Magikarp first.

    "Scraggy," he yelled, "Use Low Kick!"

    Upon doing so, the Magikarp used Splash, jumping over the Low Kick.

    "WHAT?!?!?!" Ben yelled. He never expected a Magikarp to dodge an attack. Unfortunately, since he just got Scraggy, Low Kick was the only attack it knew. This would require some clever thinking, which, luckily, was one of Ben’s specialties. However, thinking on an empty stomach was not. Since the Magikarp was obviously not going anywhere, he sat down with Scraggy to have lunch. He got out some sandwiches for himself and some poffins for Scraggy. He wasn’t exactly sure which kind of poffin Scraggy liked best, so he got some of each. Scraggy picked up the sour poffin and started eating. “Heh, I like sour stuff too,” Ben said.

    Ben tended to eat a lot, so Scraggy was done before him. While Ben finished his sandwiches, Scraggy continued to Low Kick the Magikarp, but it kept jumping over it with Splash. Who would have thought that such a useless Pokémon would be so hard to catch?

    Scraggy was getting tired. No doubt if Ben had a rival, he would be rolling on the floor, or ground really, laughing. Ben was failing to the max. All he needed was a way of stopping the Magikarp from jumping. Harder than it sounds, as jumping and swimming are all Magikarps are really useful for. Then Ben got an idea. Maybe he could distract the Magikarp with food. He threw a poffin at it. As he expected, the Magikarp took the bait. However, it literally took the bait, and ran off with it.

    “Hey!” Ben yelled as the Magikarp flopped away with the poffin in its mouth. He returned Scraggy to his pokeball and ran after the Magikarp. It stopped by a stream and began nibbling the poffin. This is ridiculous, thought Ben. But at least now it was distracted. He sent out Scraggy. Scraggy knew what to do. He used Low Kick on the Magikarp. Once again, It Splashed over the attack, then continued to nibble the poffin.

    Frustrated, Ben lost his cool and began to throw rocks at the Magikarp. Most flew in random directions, and any that did fly towards the Magikarp were knocked away by its tail. He tried sneaking up on it. But as soon as he got close, I flopped into the stream and out onto the opposite bank.

    Suddenly, and enraged Ursaring burst through the trees on the side of the stream the Magikarp was on. It kicked it over the stream and back to where Ben was, before picking up the Magikarp’s poffin and trudging back off into the forest.

    Suddenly, Ben took notice of some rocks in the tree above him. It seemed someone was trying to knock something out of the tree. This gave him an idea.

    “Scraggy,” he commanded, “Use Leer then use Low Kick on the tree!” Scraggy used Leer, lowering the Magikarp’s defence then kicked the tree. Some of the rocks fell down, landing on the Magikarp and knocking it out. This was his chance. Ben threw a pokeball at the Magikarp. It wobbled once, twice. Ben hoped that it would click, and then…
    Last edited by BenBen; 20th May 2011 at 07:29 PM. Reason: Addind more enter space.

  2. #2
    Pigeon Chaser BenBen's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Peskiest Magikarp Ever (Pending Grade)

    BTW, When this story gets graded, should I start a new thread for my next story, or put it as a new post in this thread?

  3. #3
    no Tyranitex's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Peskiest Magikarp Ever (Pending Grade)

    New thread unless its a sequel

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    Pigeon Chaser BenBen's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Peskiest Magikarp Ever (Pending Grade)

    EDIT: Actually, my adventure will be separate to this, so it will be in a new thread.

    Also, can someone please grade this. I'm starting my next story and I need to know whether or not to include the Magikarp in it.
    Last edited by BenBen; 28th May 2011 at 10:19 PM.

  5. #5
    Stay Classy The Jr. Trainer's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Peskiest Magikarp Ever (Pending Grade)

    Plot
    Well, this might be the most interesting Magikarp story I have ever read. Ever. Anyway, it was a cute little story, meaning that in the best way possible, that made me laugh a little bit. However, as you may know, there was no real meat to the story; just suddenly a Magikarp was like BAM out of no where. While this is fine for a Magikarp, since it’s a Magikarp, if you continue to write (which I assume you will since I read your post in the Story Chat), you will want to have an actual plot and build up to the battle. Although, the way this story was written was entertaining enough to not have a story before the battle. XD

    You’re cool as the summer breeze here. Just don’t forget to have an actual plot in higher ranked stories, though the whole Magikarp running into the forest and Ursaring crashing through trees was a nice little sub ... story plot thing. Yeah. Okay.

    Grammar/Spelling
    You have a fine grasp on grammar, unlike some people here (me). However, I did notice a few typos that you could’ve gotten rid of by just rereading your story once or twice, which wouldn’t take long considering it is about ten paragraphs. : P

    I’m not even going to pick them out because that is just being nitpicky and dumb. But I do have one more thing to mention – Anything that has to do with Pokémon should be capitalized; you did this for the most part but I think you forgot to capitalize “Poke ball” in there a few times. No biggie though.

    Goodgoodgood.

    Length
    Cool beans, bro.

    Detail
    Now this you lacked a bit. I understand we are on a Pokemon forum and we are playing a Pokemon RP, but we still need you to describe the Pokemon to us. As well as everything else in the world – the ground, the trees, the blanket they picnicked on, the color of the puffins, what the air smelled like even. Give me and anyone else who reads your stories a vivid image and sense of anything and everything that you can possibly think to. But at the same time do not over do it and completely cover the story in all this description and forget about the actual plot and character development and all that crazy stuff.

    If you have a hard time describing something, close your eyes and try to imagine it. Your mind is a good tool. If that doesn’t work go on Google and image search what you are trying to describe. Look at all the pictures and see how something is shown and try and put it into words.

    Not to sound like a broken record but for a ‘Karp you’re fine.

    Battle
    Well you did this fine all right. And you added in a bit of humor! :D I liked how you had your trainer be handicapped and only be able to use one move, but still get him to fend off Magikarp (like that is hard anyway, right?) and then eventually capture it.

    Just a tip, make sure for attacks you say how they are used. I may have missed it but I don’t think you ever said what Scrafty did to use the Low Kick. Yes, it is obvious, but in this here URPG place we love our descriptions.

    That is all I have for you really.

    Outcome
    I think this is obvious. It was a well written short little fic and I thought it was pretty silly and cute. So, take your Magikarp and run for the hills!

    Magikarp captured!
    Last edited by The Jr. Trainer; 11th June 2011 at 01:08 AM.

  6. #6
    Pigeon Chaser BenBen's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Peskiest Magikarp Ever (Pending Grade)

    Thanks. :) I'll take all this on board before posting my next one.

    Claiming Magikarp.
    *Zelda get postion*

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