Thread: Perseverence (mature)

"None y'all pussies could take us anyway!" a broad black man shouted from the square boxing ring. His sweat-stained vest and shorts were all he had to wear and yet still maintain a position of power down in the seedy world of Pokemon fighting. A silence followed. No one had beaten this man or his Pokemon yet. Few had dared.

"We could," I said far more bravely than I felt inside. I was nothing on thiis guy. Sure, we were both rather tall but I wasn't all muscles or intimidating.

"That's funny. White guys won't don't last long down here," he sneered. The crowd laughed along. They always laughed, wanting to keep on his good side. "Standard rules. You lose, you lose your 'mon. Still think you can take me or you gonna go cry?" he said with a false laugh. His cronies laughed as per usual.

"Yeah. I'm game. I'm sick of how you think you can run this joint." A momentary stunned silence pressed on. At this stage, he'd probably stab me. Regardless of whether I win or not. "Solosis, come out." There was a flash of red as the crowd parted. A green blob with a creature like a jelly baby residing inside.

"You're stupid sending out a Psychic type. Murkrow, show this motherfucker who's the shit,." There was a familiar, yet still worrying caw from the rafters above. A dark crow-like Pokemon with piercing red eyes dove down. It landed a little ahead of Solosis, stretching its wings back as it tried to intimidate. "Night Shade."

"Protect!"

Solosis's chestnut eyes started to glow a bright blue colour and within seconds a bright blue shield materialised before Solosis as the Murkrow shot forward, like a speeding bullet, flapping its wings to create grey and black waves of energy. They crashed against the shield, creating a crashing noise before the Night Shade ended. The blue shield vanished shortly after.

"Check this pussy out." The crowd laughed at me. Ignoring my quickly reddening cheeks, I shouted, "Toxic."

"Sub on that attack," he laughed.

Murkrow opened its mouth and some thick steam came out. It envelloped Murkrow for a few seconds and by the time it had faded, there were two Murkrow facing the Solosis. Solosis opened his mouth and fired a hissing purple toxin out. One Murkrow quickly dove behind the other, letting the substitute take the damage.

"Krow," it cawed mischievously.

"Great," I muttered under my breath. The biggest problem with this Murkrow was its extremely annoying ability, Prankster. It always moved first when using moves that didn't do direct damage. I had to find away to remove this ability...

"Dark Pulse." The raven on the left flapped its wings furiously and two dark gusts of aiur shot forward. They were going to do a ton of damage, but this created a perfect opportunity for Solosis.

"Skill Swap!" The crowd gasped in unison and I couldn't help but grin.

The twin dark blasts hit Solosis and he cringed a little, but I knew he would be fine. A bright sphere came out from Solosis and the Murkrow. The spheres travelled towards the center of the field before heading to the opponent. Now he had a useless ability and my Solo had Prankster.

"Focus Blast," I shouted.

"Fly up out of the way, Murkrow."

Murkrow began to rise up into the air, shooting back and forth in the air rapidly. It would be almost impossible to hit the Murkrow up there with Focus Blast, but there was always another one down here... A brown and tan sphere of swirling energy appeared before Solosis, gradually expanding until it was almost the size of Solosis.
"Quick, change targets to the other Murkrow!"

The sphere shot through the air and crashed into the unmoving, blinking Murkrow. It gave a sickening squack before vanishing from sight. The Murkrow above landed on the ground before his master. It was looking really tired from all that flying around. My plan was working.

"Ugh, you useless shit," he said spitting onto the ground beside his Murkrow. "Use a Calm Mind."

Exactly what I wanted him to use. "Snatch it."

Murkwo closed his eyes and let his body begin to relax, but Murkrow was shoved back, almost like he was punched by an invisible fist and lost his concentration. Solosis on the other hand closed his eyes and let his mind relax and concentrate. Although there was no difference in his physical appearence, I knew the Calm Mind had worked.
"Finish with another Focus Blast," I commanded Solosis.

"Wing Attack..."

Murkrow shot forward towards Solosis as another sphere of brown and tan energy began to form. He slammed into Solosis hard with his outstretched wings, but this just meant he was close enough for the Focus Blast to hit him dead on. The sphere slammed into Murkrow and the poor bird was knocked unconscious as it hit the concete ground. The crowd seemed awstruck but the owner of Murkrow flipped a blade out of his pocket. He advanced on me. I was backing up, but someone knocked the blade out of his hand. Everything was a blur as I shoved past people in an attempt to flee. I wasn't thinking. I'd been stupid. Why would he let me take his Pokemon? These sick fuckers don't play by the rules.

I saw a glimmer of light and took my chances, coming to a door. Familiar, winding steps lead upwards as I ran, heart beating in my chest. Behind me I could hear a scuffle of sorts and shouting and... gunfire. My heart froze and my foot hovered midstep. There was an unnatural silence from below. I looked back, knowing what I should do. But, I did the very opposite and ran. Ran past a flurry of people, onto the cobbled street and ran, ran, ran. The torrent of rain barrging down on me didn't stop my weary feet.

~

Six men killed in gang feud, the headline read. Now, had you not known what happened, you would think this is just a typical man. Standing just under six feet tall, with flyaway blonde hair and a denim jacket and jeans. He stood by a newspaper stand, staring at the paper with extroadinary interest. His face scrunched up as his chestnut eyes explored the contents of the page.

"You buying that or what?"

"Oh, no. I- I was just going," I stammered, backing away and back onto the dirty streets below. Mind going a mile a minute, I let my feet take me wherever the hell they wanted to go. I kept going, immune to the passing cars and people-- none sparing him so much as a second glance as I trudged onwards. Before I realised it, the night had started to draw closer. Stopping and glancing around, I recognised the street. I rarely went here, but I didn't have to frequent here often to know that this was were notorious drug lords came out to play when night time came along. My pace quickened and my shoulders hunched. The passing-byers became few and far between until I realised just how fucked I was. There was a park up ahead. Perhaps he could spend the night there, sleeping in a bush or something. It wasn't ideal, but what else had I?

No more than ten minutes later, I was there. Corroded iron gates pierced the night sky. Barbed wire wrapped tightly around the top to stop trespassers. Fuming, I kicked the locked gate and turned to look at the almost-bare street. The only other person was a skantily-clad woman on the other side of the road, lit cigarette dangling from her mouth. When she saw the lonely man, she pounced like a tiger in waiting.
"Hello," she said in a distinctly foreign accent. Fake blonde hair and a tight top designed to expose those just-as fake breasts were to attract her prey. She wore fishnet tights and large red hooker boots. She strode closer to me, each heel making a loud 'clunk' sound as it hit against the pavement. She was no more than three feet away before she stopped. A lone hand shot out before me, rubbing my hair.

"You looking for a bit of fun, no?"

"No thank you. I-I must get going," I said. No time for prostitutes or anything of the sort.

"Listen to me," she hissed. "I have a certain criteria to meet and you areloner, yes?"

"Look," I started. I retreated a bit, turned my back and started to walk quickly away. I didn't want anything else to do with this seedy underworld. Taking the lives of six men was surely enough. A quick blow to the back caught me off the gaurd, sending me sprawling onto the hard pavement. My heart was racing, mouth full of the coppery taste associated with blood. White fragments on the pavement-- my tooth. Grunting, I turned around to have a boot smash me in the face. I was knocked back. I struggled to rise, spitting blood from my throbbing mouth and stumbled a little as I backed up.
With a quick glance behind, I saw the attacker. I nearly fell over again in shock as I realised it was a Pokemon. Pokemon never showed their faces around-- especially wild ones. Most had been captured or hunted down by now. Pokemon were always despised as the monsters they were thought to be, or trained to be malicious creatures of destruction.

"TIMBURR" it roared. No fear in its cold grey eyes. It was small, but it looked really strong. Its body was a dull grey colour apart from the big pink bulges on his skin. They were like wristbands or armbands or something. There was a huge throbbing vein in his forehead. He pointed at the prostitute with a pudgy finger and made gestures. She had her head bowed, looking at the ground with extreme concentration. I wasn't quite sure what the hell was going on, but if I had to guess... he was her pimp. It was an odd thought, but I didn't know what to do.

"Burr! Burr!"

"Back the hell away," I said, staggering back. He advanced on me, eyes locked. He raised his fists before swinging them wildly like out of control windmills. I jumped back, moving away from his grasp before I bumped into something and heard a gasp. I knocked the woman to the floor and there was a distinct cracking sound. I saw tears well up in her eyes. Mascara cascaded down her face along with the tears. Her hands rubbed her ankle delicately. I turned and started to run. Nothing I could do but go.
Piercing scream. That was the only thing that made me turn around. The Timburr was over her, fists raised. He could kill her. I should have ran, but her screams brought back the bitter memories of the deaths I had caused so recently. No one else was gonna suffer because of me. I charged backwards as his tiny powerful fists cracked her in the skull. I grabbed the Timburr by the neck and shook viciously. He began writhing around in my arms and my hands jerked involuntarily, snapping his neck. The body went limp, the trashing hands fell down by his sides, dangling like abandoned puppets. I couldn't feel the thumping of his heart against my body as I held the body there. I let the body slide to the ground.

I couldn't feel anything. Would I want to feel anything now? I'd become a monster. The only thing I could hear other than my rapidly-thumping heart was the frightened breaths of the streetwalker behind me. There was a succession of rapid movements coming from the corner of my eye and when I turned around, I felt the bullets puncture through my right foot, right thigh and arm. I fell to the ground. I still couldn't feel a thing as I saw the bitch start to hobble away, handbag clutched to her chest. She didn't even spare a glance back at the man lying in a pool of blood, hardly breathing. Something landed just a few feet from me. It was jet black with a yellow beak and red eyes. My Murkrow stared at me, unblinking for several moments. I stared back and... smiled. First time I had done that for a while. It was then, I let go. Accepted my death and everything went black.

I stepped into the light.

~

Author's notes: I'm not really sure what happened with this. It started off as something leading to the seedy world of Pokemon brawling (similar to pitbull fighting), or something. I kind've liked how it flowed, but the ending seems a little rushed because I had a mind block. I know Timburr isn't exactly the focal point of the whole story but it's in it at least.

Attempted capture: Timburr

Claimed, because I said I would. NITRO YOU'RE NEXT I PROMISE. ;D

Intro/Plot/Characters: The first sentence of your story is:

"None y'all pussies could take us anyway!"

This is attention grabbing and the reader is immediately pulled into the story. Over the next few paragraphs we are introduced to the main character and the world of underground Pokemon battling. You leave your main character somewhat mysterious and in this case, it keeps the reader guessing. While I would have preferred a little more physical description, I think you're fine with how it was. You made up for the lack of info about what he looked like with all that good stuff about his heart racing and being nervous about challenging. It gives us a little insight into the character as a person and makes the things he go through have that much more impact on the reader, so good job!

At first I thought the plot was a bit slow, being primarily a battle, but towards the end of the battle it picked up as the crowd broke into a riot and the main character fled. I definitely liked the story and how you had the main character full of guilt about accidentally causing the death of six people, and that whole side thing with the Timburr pimp/hooker, but it's never fully explained why he's wandering around the ghetto at night. I feel like you just kind of aborted the whole story half way through. There's this stuff about Pokemon being rare and thought of as monsters, some super ghetto city, an underground battling scene, all sorts of stuff that's never explored or mentions and it's disappointing because you could've had a huge story talking about all of this for more Pokemon and it would've been great. As it is, it was somewhat confusing and all this cool stuff was left at a dead end. It's sort of like Lost, man. You don't want to be JJ Abrams, trust me.

Your main character himself, though, is pretty interesting. He's got some sort of major guilt complex, he wanders around streets at night, and at the end, even though he was trying to help the woman, he thinks of himself as a monster. Unfortunately, just like the rest of your story, wherever all that was leading to was kind of abandoned. I am disappoint in you. :>

Though real quick, I have to add:

"You're stupid sending out a Psychic type. Murkrow, show this motherfucker who's the shit,."

My favorite line of anything ever.

Grammar:

His sweat-stained vest and shorts were all he had to wear and yet still maintain a position of power down in the seedy world of Pokemon fighting.

'Maintain' should be 'maintained'.

No one had beaten this man or his Pokemon yet. Few had dared.

You should elaborate on that second sentence, as if no one's beaten him, then no one could have dared to.

Sure, we were both rather tall but I wasn't all muscles or intimidating.

Comma after 'tall'.

White guys won't don't last long down here," he sneered.

You don't need 'won't' and 'don't'.

At this stage, he'd probably stab me. Regardless of whether I win or not.

You should combine those two sentences.

Now he had a useless ability and my Solo had Prankster.

You didn't even type its full name. ;-; That's just lazy, Synth.

The passing-byers became few and far between until I realised just how fucked I was.

I think the correct word is 'passerby'.

Basically, you still have some problems with your grammar, but it's improved a lot since you started writing. :D

Detail: Your detail was mostly good. I would've liked some more physically for your main character, but you described the other characters and the Pokemon really well. Here's a couple of my favorite passages:

Murkrow opened its mouth and some thick steam came out. It envelloped Murkrow for a few seconds and by the time it had faded, there were two Murkrow facing the Solosis. Solosis opened his mouth and fired a hissing purple toxin out. One Murkrow quickly dove behind the other, letting the substitute take the damage.

Very original. I would've never expected Sub to be described like that.

The only other person was a skantily-clad woman on the other side of the road, lit cigarette dangling from her mouth. When she saw the lonely man, she pounced like a tiger in waiting.
"Hello," she said in a distinctly foreign accent. Fake blonde hair and a tight top designed to expose those just-as fake breasts were to attract her prey. She wore fishnet tights and large red hooker boots. She strode closer to me, each heel making a loud 'clunk' sound as it hit against the pavement. She was no more than three feet away before she stopped. A lone hand shot out before me, rubbing my hair.

IS SHE BASED ON ME!? ;D

My Murkrow stared at me, unblinking for several moments. I stared back and... smiled. First time I had done that for a while. It was then, I let go. Accepted my death and everything went black.

I stepped into the light.

What I liked about these paragraphs, is that they explained things in a way that helped me imagine them perfectly, yet wasn't overwhelming. Also, now that you're becoming more experienced as a writer, realize that some words carry different connotations than others, so they can be used to aid in describing things. As a writer, you have to pick your words carefully, as well as the order they're in. Artists have unlimited numbers of colors and shades to pick from, but as writers we only have so many ways to say what we want. You gotta learn to do it well. ;D

Length: You're just over the limit, so that's good I suppose.

Outcome: Well, this could've been so much better, but at the same time, I think this was definitely good enough for a medium Pokemon so... Timburr captured.

HAVE FUN WITH IT.