Passion (For Mature Audience) (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome
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Thread: Passion (For Mature Audience) (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

  1. #1

    Default Passion (For Mature Audience) (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

    “Hello there.”

    The Buneary was like any normal one- cream white fur fluffing above her shorter brown hair, and little black eyes twinkling in the moonlight. But she was much more capable of simply running around and hitting random Pokémon and people with its ear. The Volbeat looked nervously at the bunny as she giggled. His tail light was switched off, in fear of being spotted, despite the thick vegetation. He pressed his hand against the red ring around his neck, pushing it down to allow his nose to smell better. No, Fie wasn’t around. Good.

    “Are you SURE we should be doing this, Claire?” The Volbeat said, and the Buneary giggled. “I mean, we could get spotted, and Fie- not to mention Horace- will be enraged.”

    “Oh, don’t be such a worrywart,” Claire said sexily, before closing in on the Volbeat. “Oh, and Clive, I advise ditching that dirt bag of an Illumise you call your girlfriend and find someone better.”

    “Fie’s not a dirt bag! She’s just... paranoid.” Clive said. Claire grabbed an elephant leave and closed the only gap inside the plants shielding the small clearing in the woods. Claire scowled, and her heated breath could be felt on Clive.

    “Oh, really? I suppose you don’t count her Zen Headbutting me and nearly knocking me off a cliff a sign of being a dirt bag, I suppose,” Claire sighed. Clive wanted to retort, but Claire simply held her hand at his lips. “Shush. Let’s start this. We can’t delay any longer.”

    *


    “Augh...” Clive turned over in his nest, before a sugar sweet voice resounded in his ears. The figure beamed a forced smile on her face, trying not to look or sound irritated. The grass of the large nest was carefully bent and folded to a very precise angle, till it was able to hold together, even if it fell from the tall, shady tree in a storm. However, now, it was slowly falling apart, and Fie was the one who ‘fixed’ it most of the time.

    “Okay, Clive. Today, you are going to fix the nest, okay? I spend some whole days fixing the nest while you run of to who knows where.” Fie said. Clive stared at the feminine firefly, which took pride in her looks. She washed herself everyday, and did not make friends with those who she considered ‘dirty monkeys’. Clive trusted her, she didn’t trust Clive- or herself. There was an exterior motive apart from taking a break from ‘fixing’ the nest. Fie bid a farewell and took off into the rising sun of dawn. Still groggy, Clive grabbed and tore off handful of grass, before flying up, fixing it, tearing off some dead pieces, fitting in new ones... Clive didn’t pay attention to the nest often. But now, a hint of suspicion leaked into Clive’s mind. The nest was in pretty bad shape. Fie ‘fixed’ it yesterday. Wait, that’s it. Why would she let him fix it if she fixed it yesterday? Perhaps she realized that she didn’t do a very good job, or wanted Clive to have a better sense of responsibility. The firefly shrugged it off and simply fitted the grasses into the holes. Little did he know that, while flying up, his feeler got stuck in the grass. When he flew down, the nest fell. He yelled in horror- the nest in this fragile state would not make it through the fall. Clive has caught the nest before, though, so he was confident he could catch it again. He streamlined his body before diving after the nest. However, this time was different. There was a terrible ripping noise as Clive’s left feeler was crudely torn off. The pain was unbearable. Clive felt a sticky yet warm liquid flow from his head. With a groan, he picked up a blade of grass, tore it, and placed a patch of it as a bandage. His blood made sure it stayed on, so Volbeats and Illumise only need to put it on until it fell off by itself, from the wound clotting.

    Now, time for solving the mystery of the tattered nest. Clive also realized something else: Clive has gained weight, mostly shone by a growing bulge that was his belly, and still couldn’t go after the falling nest. The nest was also heavy enough to tear Clive’s feeler off. There was something else to this, and Fie was the prime culprit. Clive took one look at the scattered blades on the ground to deduce the conclusion, and the conclusion made him fume. The scales were unmistakable. Clive picked one up and crushed it in his hands. This was absolutely unforgivable. Clive took to the skies, a murderous look in his eyes.

    *


    “Oh Cliiiveee...,” Fie called. She returned to the tree, to see Clive sitting on the tree branch solemnly. Spying her boyfriend’s left feeler was missing, Fie sat down next to him and talked. “What’s wrong, Clivey-poo? Did your feeler get hurt?”

    “You. That’s what’s wrong. You probably would have returned later had I not done it.” Clive said in a monotone tune. Fie looked at him, her mouth hanging by her soft cartilage jaws. It took a while for the words to sink in, and Clive looked at Fie with the most terrifying expression. The darkness that completely flooded his eyes could only be obtained if a Pokémon has taken a life of another.

    “I found Mothim scales in the nest. You think I’m stupid?” Clive barked, and Fie took a step back. “He’s the only Mothim in the forest colored blue. I can tell what Mothim scales are like, you know. He doesn’t come here often. Only by... invitation. An invitation I didn’t know about.”

    “What are you talking about, Clive?” Fie slowly whispered.

    “I killed him. Him and the six Burmy he raised. It’s time for true justice to show its colors.” Clive said. Fie felt an horrendous being in front of her, not a sweet, clumsy and loyal Volbeat. Clive sighed, and Fie felt it was time to run. But her muscles were locked stiff- stiffer than a wooden stake. She was too absorbed in her terror. Her legs have forgotten how to run, her wings forgotten how to flap.

    “Oh, but I’m such a hypocrite. Before I break up with you, and perhaps subsequently kill you in the near future, I may as well tell you this. I was in an affair too- with Claire. But does it really matter? After all, to be in an affair you must have gotten bored of me. I know how it feels,” Clive said. A demented grin was carved into his darkened face, before he whispered nearly inaudibly. “Run.”

    Fie screamed, and she ran. She swiftly kicked the branch, using it as a launching pad for her to leap into the air. Her wings began to beat again, and she flew far away, with no clear destination in mind. She didn’t look back; she didn’t dare to. But there was one set thing in her mind, though the initial anger hasn’t yet taken over the fear that she felt since learning Clive killed Osborne, the oddly-colored Mothim that she had an affair with. To kill Claire.

    However, her mind resurfaced from the sea of insanity and chaos, she started to have two coherent thoughts, first a sad one, then a confusing one.

    “Osborne didn’t know I had a boyfriend. I told him... I’ve broken up with Clive.” Fie muttered, suddenly feeling a weight pulling down her body. It was her fault the innocent Mothim died. The Illumise had a conscience, yes, though most of the time it was buried deep in her haughty exterior. Very deep. Not only that, but his six adopted Burmy’s lives were taken away swiftly. They probably didn’t even have enough time to say good-bye. And that was when the confusing thought came up.

    “Wait a minute. Osborne had seven Burmy!”

    *

    “For the love of Arceus, Claire, where have you been all night? You rarely ever sleep in our cave.” The Pokémon said. He lifted his tail at all times, though when the paint was dark green it tended to drip on the floor. The Buneary sighed, before launching another excuse of having accidentally fallen asleep while collecting berries. Horace eyed Claire suspiciously, before sighing and turning away. He didn't want to upset Claire- that rose had thorns. But at the same time, Horace wanted to learn where has really been. But Horace was naive and meek; if he was short-changed in a berry trade, disturbed by a ruckus or something else, the Smeargle would just shrug it off. Claire also had a way of dealing with Horace.

    "Hey, I made up this song as I was collecting berries. Would you like to hear it?" Claire knew Horace was a victim to her voice. She used to hold Moonlight Concerts in the forests, singing on a hill near the middle of the forest. At midnight, the moon would be behind Claire, and she would sing. Pokemon before had to resort to Jigglypuff's songs, and listening to them made them fall asleep. Though Claire could not send anyone to slumber, her voice was still one to marvel at. People scrambled to see her every night- until she met Horace and moved away from the hill. The hill then was abandoned, no one living near it or even knowing the beauty it possesses during a full moon.

    "Oh! Sure!" Horace said, his mood changing.

    "I can be like a camellia flower, with blossoms in the winter. With rain or frost on my body, let me present myself to you. Or, I could be a splendid rose, on the verge of falling. With scent on my neck and hair, I'll be wrapped in the scent of death.

    I can be like an obedient dog. With a cord, a rope, or a chain, I'll let you tie me up. Or if you prefer, I can be like a kitten. I shall endearingly, with my fingers, feet, and lips indulge you."


    "Oh, bravo!" Horace said. Claire sent a cheeky smile his way, but quickly erased it before Horace could notice.

    "I have another thing for you. I have successfully mastered a new move today- want to see it?"

    *


    "Soon, soon, revenge will conquer all, justice will prevail. Yes, my pretty. It will."

    Fie was in an absolute mess. Instead of a well-groomed body, Fie was displayed with her yellow shawl nearly torn off, her purple appendage that once surrounded her face gone, along with her scent that came from the appendage. Her left wing was bent, hanging from its hinges. The other wing wasn't in too good of a shape either. Both were stained with a huge amount of dirt. Several sleepless nights of horrible nightmares and her conscience yelling ferociously, she has spiraled into a tornado of self-hurt, a tornado which was traveling over the sea of depression. As the tornado vanished, Fie was left to swim or drown.

    She was drowning.

    Fie's left eye was hanging by its blood vessel, with a sharp piece of wood plunged deep in. It has been that way for an entire day. It was Fie's last attempt to rid herself of the pain she felt. It didn't work. After she resurfaced into reality- well, a bit of her- she stopped her suicidal attempts. But the damage has been dealt.

    Fie hugged the leaf in her hand. "If I had to commit suicide, why didn't I dare to destroy my vital points? Why did my hand freeze?" Fie muttered to herself. "Yes, Amilia. If I am to depart from this world, I have to pull down a certain someone with me. But I have to be quick. Clive is on my tail, and my injuries are severe. You are smart, Amilia." Fie stroked the half-dried leaf. She stuck it on the back of her head where her appendage used to be. The wound was still oozing blood, and Fie felt herself lose her strength as the seconds ticked by. She knew she didn't have long, and she knew she had to hurry.

    That was when she heard a tree fall close by. But it fell... strangely. Fie turned her head, to see a multicolored Pokemon, knocking down the tree. Yes, it was Dizzy Punch. The three symmetrical punches and a flash. That was what Fie remembered. Claire was the only Buneary in the forest, and only she knew Dizzy Punch. With a twisted grin, Fie took out the piece of wood at he eye. Quick as a wink, she pulled out her eye, too, making sure it didn't get in the way of her kill. The eye was still firmly attached to her head, and Fie's body bent forth as a ripping sound was heard. The ripping sound, though loud to Fie, was hidden in her head; her victim didn't hear her. Fie was running so fast, she realized her vision was blurred. Never mind, the colorful look of Claire gave her away. Fie landed on Claire, and gasped.

    "What the hell?! Get off me!" Horace yelled. Fie swore. The Smeargle must have sketched Claire's moves. The forest was one big family. Many knew who was with who, though their information was not always up-to-date or too true. And Fie knew Horace was Claire's boyfriend. He would tell Claire. Now, that won't do!

    Fie hacked at Horace's neck. The Smeargle screamed, trying to use new move. As his tail glowed, his body followed. He was shining all over. With a swift three punches, Fie was sent sprawling backwards. Gagging, Horace felt pain that he has never felt or dreamed of before. His windpipe ripped, and as Horace gagged and clutched his throat, he fell, blood trickling down his neck. The warmth of his own blood was the last thing Horace felt before the world before him went dark.

    Fie forced herself up, opening her eyes. At that moment, she wish she didn't. The world of a murderer was so... surreal, and so disturbing. Everywhere, eyes surrounded her. But as she turned to look at them clearly, they disappeared. The stench of rotting flesh met her nose, but Horace was just a fresh corpse. The trees seemed to be bending towards Fie, judging her. Fie screamed in absolute horror before running off, trying to close her eyes, shutting herself away from reality again.

    *


    "Um, Claire, I want to talk about something..." The Butterfly peered into the cave. She saw Claire staring at the ground, looking away from the sunlight. The Butterfly gulped. The Buneary didn't handle her boyfriend's sudden death too well. Claire muttered something inaudible, and the Butterfly flew closer.

    "What... what was that? Do you need me to get something?" The Butterfly said. Claire said it again, and this time with a more raspy and hostile tone.

    "Get the hell out of the cave."

    The Butterfly took a step backwards, before Claire suddenly turned around. "Are you fucking death?! I said get the hell away from me!" The Butterfly yelled before flying off, muttering 'This isn't safe, this isn't safe' over and over again. Claire turned back from what was once the inviting embrace of the sun. The tears flowed out like tap water, a pitter-patter sound echoing off the walls as Claire cried. "Why would anyone want to kill you, Horace...?"

    Claire repeated to herself over and over the line. The sun slowly set, the rivers flowed. Life went on without Claire, who was sitting in the dim corner of her cave, trying to stop her emotions from gaining complete control. There was only one place where she always visited when she stooped so low. When her parents died, that was where she was away from it all, where she could finally curl up and sleep forever. Claire forced herself on her limp legs. The feeling of needles pricking her was ignored. Claire sucked it all up before trudging to her ultimate destination.

    The hill.

    She used the longest route, the most remote path of the forest. She had lots of time to think. Her mind was blank all the way. As the trees slowly cleared, Claire sat on the hill. A beautiful sound emerged from her voice box as she recounted her life. Over again, when she was entered into the world. When she met Horace during one of her concerts. When she got bored of Horace and had an affair with Clive. Now...

    "Why did I have to fall asleep, to be oblivious? I took it for granted, everything for granted. When I woke up, you have left my side. The deep scar, the regret was carved in my heart so much it still pains me to cry for you.

    I don't know where you are, may it be the sky, sea or someplace far, my heart will split and spread, so at least you have to get a piece. My heart will flutter away in the strong winds, fluttering, falling.

    One day, the world will forget you and I, and the memories will decay, leaving only me with your precious smile. Why did you have to leave before I woke? Why couldn't you wait till my true eyes open, seeing you and how I love you? Why did I only realize you were irreplaceable when I lost you forever, when you slipped through my flimsy grasp?

    I can't deliver my heart twice, but I hope I can deliver my empty shell, to flutter in the winds to where you are... wherever you are. Let's live in the clouds, meeting each other. Our tears will be the gently falling rain..."


    "There you are. I knew I would find you here."

    Claire turned her head to see Clive in the shadows. He looked normal, except for his pitch dark eyes. Claire screamed, running back, away from Clive. No, it couldn't be! How could Clive be the killer? The person who claimed Horace's life?

    "Nah, it's not what you think. You see, three days ago, the day after the last time you say me, I discovered Fie had an affair with Osborne, a Mothim. I killed Mothim and his six Burmy, so I could exact my revenge. But I think when I told Fie what I did, I mentioned I was having an affair with you as well. I don't know why she would attack dear old Horace though." Clive said. It took a while for the words that came out from the murderer's mouth to finally make an impact. Claire clenched her fist and suppressed the urge of killing Clive for letting their secret slip, probably the cause of Horace's death.

    "How do I find Fie in the forest?" Claire said, and Clive smiled.

    "I was waiting for you to say that. Well, you see, with my new eyes, I can spot other murderers. If I am correct, Fie is... that way." Clive pointed at the direction where he felt the presence of a murderer. Claire looked at Clive, wanted to ask whether it was a trick, but sighed. After all, she had nothing to lose.

    *


    "No, no no... I will kill... her... everyone who tried to bring me down... Amilia, what did you say? I should sleep for the night? But what if someone sees me- or I don't live to see day... your right, Amilia. I have to conserve my energy for the vital moment." Fie said. Now, both her eyes have been removed. Having been completely dislodged from sanity, she didn't think of the fact she probably couldn't find Claire blind. Fie stroked her leaf, stained in her blood, before she laid on the ground. She jolted up when she heard the crunch of dried leaves. The heavy breathing of Claire met her ears, and Fie panicked.

    "NO! GET AWAY FROM ME, DEMONS OF HELL! I WANT TO BRING SOMEONE WITH ME!" Fie tried to flutter her wings to use Bug Buzz, but her tarnished wings only vibrated weakly before falling off due to strain. She screamed at the 'demon' to get away frantically. Her legs were too weak to run, and her body was crippled. It didn't take much for Claire to tear the bark off the tree and stab Fie.

    "THIS IS FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE- GO TO HELL! YOUR THE REAL DEMON!" Claire screamed, stabbing over and over the dead body that laid before her. Claire felt satisfied as the blood poured out and stained her once stunning fur. A victorious laugh echoed through the forest as a cloud of darkness flooded Claire's eyes.

    "YES! YES! HORACE, I'VE DONE ALL I COULD! WHERE ARE YOU, HORACE?! I NEED TO SEE YOU!" Claire screamed. That was when Claire saw the horrors of murder flood her. Her sins, all she has done... it flashed through her mind. Claire picked up the wood and stabbed herself with it. If the wound didn't kill her, the blood poisoning would. Claire sniffed. Her last coherent thought was of Horace's smile.

    *


    "Great. I sensed Claire's murder energy, but then it faded away. I guess she took her own life." Clive sighed, slumping against the tree. He was the most insane of them all. After murder, he enjoyed the sight he say. He accepted his grueling act, and as for that, the horrible vision was lifted, but his eyes were still stained in the painful memory. He was completely oblivious of the avenger until four deep slashes appeared in his chest.

    "GAH!" Clive screamed and looked up. His attacker's orange scales shone as the sun dawned in the horizon, revealing his features. A Mothim looked down on him, booming out his reasons for attacking.

    "I am the adopted son of Osborne, whom you have killed. As he died, he wrote out the name of the murderer. Now, I am here to avenge my father's death!" The Mothim yelled. Clive gasped upon learning the fault in his murder. Poison powder flew down, and Mothim slammed into Clive, stuffing them in his wounds. Clive screamed before using Bug Buzz. But Mothim was quite resistant to the painful buzz, and used Psychic to compress Clive with a storng telekinetic force. Clive gasped for breath as the grip of the energy tightened, until the pain in his lungs faded. A shrill scream from Mothim ensured his reaction towards what he was now seeing.

    "No, no! More must see and suffer the fate my father has suffered!" The Mothim yelled.

    *


    In his delusional state, the Mothim killed more people, whose loved ones teamed up to kill him. This was followed by an accidental drowning, and many suspected one Beautifly, whose life was claimed by the victim the accident's loved ones. Then, the Beautifly's loved ones started a feud...

    Today, the entire forest is empty.

    Only the bloodstains still remaining on the floor tell the tale of the first feud that inspired all other feuds.
    Last edited by Timpeni; 18th February 2011 at 08:39 AM.
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Passion (For Mature Audience) (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

    Pokemon being Captured: Smeargle
    Suggested Length: 20,000 - 30,000
    Actual Length: 21,016
    Story deal for Bumblebee.
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  3. #3

    Default Re: Passion (For Mature Audience) (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

    Plot/Introduction/Characters:


    Plot ~ I do and don’t like the plot. What I like about it is that it is very original and I’ve never read anything quite like it before. I also liked how the story switched from person to person. It gives a different perspective.

    Now here’s what I didn’t like. The plot made sense, but it wasn’t very cohesive at the same time. Like I said, I liked the different perspective but the transitions between the views was loose and didn’t tie together that well. If you’re going to try something like this you have to be sure that the transitions between each point flow together in a seam. You achieve this by tying the views together with a common focal point.

    Another critique I have it that all the views were essentially the same thing, a murder of a loved one. The story was repeated with some variations and came off as redundant. If you are going to do something with multiple perspectives they have to combine at the end in a climax that required every piece and wouldn’t not have been completed without all the other pieces. Your climax felt like a circle instead of a build up. Something that I feel could help you was just having one affair and you weave that into a tale or revenge and murder, instead of having everyone having an affair and killing everyone.

    Finally, your ending of the forest going nuts doesn’t really make sense if applied to the whole story. Is it realistic that all the Pokemon would start just killing each other? Chances are that wouldn’t help.

    Introduction ~ I liked the introduction. It was engaging and hinted at the affair aspect of the story as a whole. You introduced two of the characters and gave the reader an opening scene. Although you did fine I felt you could have improved on a few things. First off, the environment could have been more detailed than what you had. I figured out it was a forest and at night, but what was the terrain? Was it cold? The scene was vague on a few things and you’ll want to change that for harder captures. Finally, you might have hinted at the murders by saying it was a decision they would regret later on or something like.

    Characters ~ You did good here as well. I really liked how each Pokemon had a different personality and how you illustrated that, especially Claire. Something some authors overlook is emotions and thoughts of the characters and you really hit this part on the head. Your choice of words really infused the personality into each character. The one problem I had is a realistic matter. Is killing another Pokemon really going to turn one insane? Or to make them see another murderer? Pokemon live a tough life full of challenges and struggle; to suggest that whenever a Pokemon kills another it goes psycho isn’t that realistic.



    Grammar: Your grammar was spot on for the most part. The only problems were mostly consistent or just the typical minor mistake.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    “Are you SURE we should be doing this, Claire?” [T]he Volbeat said, and the Buneary giggled.
    ~ That does not need to be capitalized because it is not the beginning of a sentence, it is a continuation of the dialogue. I spotted two others of these so be sure to go back and look them up.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    “Fie’s not a dirt bag! She’s just... paranoid[.]” Clive said.
    ~ Once again, a continuation so you need a comma. This was probably your biggest mistake, so go back and fix these and be sure to watch out for them in future writings.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    "Are you fucking death?!
    ~ This is the last thing I noticed, you had a few typos where you had the wrong word in place of the correct one. A read through will solve this problem if you go over your text with a fine toothed comb.


    Detail: Above average on this part. You did really well in describing the senses and Pokemon alike. That which I felt needed more detail was the environment . I can’t seem to stress this enough, you need to have something because it is the backdrop of the story. The other detail builds on the background/environment to paint a full picture in the reader’s mind.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    Fie's left eye was hanging by its blood vessel, with a sharp piece of wood plunged deep in.
    ~ This is good detail, its vivid and paints a pretty good picture. You need to extend detail here and put in the in the environment. Is the environment hot?Cold? is is most trees or bush? Try to think of it as a painting, you need to supply us with those details.



    Length: Good my young apprentice.



    Battle: Overrated my young apprentice.


    Overall: Captured. Your story was decent with some mistakes. The biggest problem I spotted was in the plot and I explained to you what you need to watch for and take into account for next time. For the grammar section, it was mostly the same mistakes so be sure to watch and correct for those in the future.
    Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 22nd June 2011 at 06:02 PM.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



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