Otherworldly
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Thread: Otherworldly

  1. #1
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    Default Otherworldly

    The smallest of the three red moons that circled the planet broke free of the ashy gray clouds that scattered the sky. Florescent stars shone, the slight shine peaking through the clouds, slightly illuminating the exotic forest that lay below.

    In the sky alone, large Honchkrow’s of dark dull colors littered the landscape above the trees here and there. The dark hours of the night due to stretch on for three months because of the far proximity of this planet and its light source, much like the earth to the sun.

    Down below hung Slakoths from the high stretching whimsical trees, the harmless glowing Volbeat’s that flew in between though were quickly consumed by Seismitoad’s that stuck to the trees, hugging them for the fear of touching the ground and becoming eaten by large animals below. The ground had a whole other world alone. Flowers as high as houses stretched, buds the size of a humans head reaching to open from the moons light, sweet sugar water waiting to drop down from the large leaves of the trees to make a small pond sized puddle below in the lush grass.

    Don’t let this world fool you, harsh creatures existed beyond the mountains, and beyond those mountains held the kingdom that controlled this.

    Deep inside the dark marble, the dull stone and the haunting granite was the core of all the workings. A large crater/tavern held the under workings. Roots the size of sky scrapers stretched below, winding constantly, curling around one and another all periodically, dark thick liquid keeping them alive in the pit of it all. Creatures that worked these roots were Blastoise. There Hydro Pump helped fuel the roots and nourish it. It worked how everything was supposed to come together, grow, provide for the queen that lived inside the winding palace in the back.

    The palace, made of only dark blue granite held stones of all types inside, creatures of all sizes, but the main keeper was the Queen. She was tall, thin, prominent hips that jutted slightly from her body and a head that held itself up with its breathtaking face and long flowing hair. She was not the creator of this planet, but instead, the main provider. She was a Leavanny. She cared for all of the Pokemon that resided on the planet, even the less fortunate. He nickname was the “Queen Weaver” was she would often knit clothing or blankets for Pokemon that required her services. All were welcomed, including a small Sewaddle with no home to go it. It was missing its back leaf hood and was exposed to the elements. It wandered into the palace, intimidated of its massive size and texture. All it knew was caves and mud. It approached her humbly and bowed its head low.

    “H-humble queen. I wish for a new leaf. S-see my old one is torn and tattered. I was hoping you could knit me a new one?” the little pokemon muttered softly, in fear of being turned away.

    The Queen only looked at the child, feeling remorse for it. She got up and jumped down from her throne, landing squarely in front of Sewaddle. Using her String Shot attack, she plucked a leaf from a tree that resides in the north east corner of the room. It was the type that helped make the leaf hoods for Sewaddle children. Using her bladed hands she masterfully sculpted a new hood for the child, smiling as she did so. She used the special adhesive she produced inside of her body to seal it up like a thread. Gently placing it around the child’s neck, she smiled and pat its head.

    “Where do you live young one?”

    “I have no home. I am an orphan,” the smile bug replied as it looked to the floor in a mixture of shame and sadness.

    “Not anymore,” she said before escorting the Sewaddle into a spare bedroom. His new bedroom.


    Pokemon:Sewaddle
    Rank:Easiest
    Characters Needed:3,000
    Obtained: 3,681

  2. #2
    Dance in the ashes Dragoness's Avatar
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    Default Re: Otherworldly

    *cracks whip* Boy, we gonna have a talk ;)

    iClaim. Don't expect a grade for at least a few days. Patience, my friend, patience.
    Faith
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    Siggie by Dragoness, aka me | Married 2 Noble One

  3. #3
    Dance in the ashes Dragoness's Avatar
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    Default Re: Otherworldly

    I said I'd be getting the whips out. However, due to my hectic schedule, I myself cannot perform the act. I found a replacement though that is eager to do it in my stead. I think you will approve ;) Enjoy.


    --
    Description and Intro::

    The details were harder to find than a flea in a hurricane. There's a trick, or style really to description. A fictional story needs it, but too much or too bland a description leaves the reader bewildered or bored to death. Too little and you might as well say nothing. The trick is to figure out what you are describing to your reader and then decide on what words are necessary - no more, no less - to convey that description to your readers.

    It wasn't until the second paragraph that I realized the story was based on this unnamed planet. I surmise that is because the first paragraph was so vague and devoid of details. If you're going to start off with description of this planet, then you should really describe it. You rapidly moved from mentioning the outer surface of a planet to trying to describe its inner workings. It wasn't a smooth glide and it wasn't even a quick descent down a set of steps. It was more like a piano rapidly falling through space, barely allowing the reader to even recognize that it is indeed a piano about to squash them flat.

    The introduction not only invites the reader into the story, but it also sets an inviting tone. Creepy, funny, rustic, etc. This introduction was a few sentences long and was a fly by of a intro.
    -
    You have thought of what sounds like an amazing place, but I cannot begin to visualize it. I don't know much about it and I don't have the faintest clue how it feels to be there. Examples:

    Quote Originally Posted by Otherworldly
    Florescent stars shone, the slight shine peaking through the clouds, slightly illuminating the exotic forest that lay below.
    I want to congratulate you on describing the stars as florescent. It helps me visualize the stars and sets a tone of a bright night sky. But beyond that, I'm lost. WHY is the forest exotic? I dunno, you tell me why it's exotic. Is it teeming with rare animals? Do fairies perhaps make their homes in knotholes?

    Quote Originally Posted by Otherworldly
    Down below hung Slakoths from the high stretching whimsical trees...
    Again, I like the little detail about the Slakoths, but on the other end, I have no idea what a whimsical tree looks like. You can let the reader fill in some details with their own imagination, but you need to give them a good starting point. Some connection to the whimsical you're talking about.

    Quote Originally Posted by Otherworldly
    The palace, made of only dark blue granite held stones of all types inside, creatures of all sizes, but the main keeper was the Queen.
    What up with that? Stones? What stones? Gall stones? Sun stones? Precious stones? And what do you mean by 'main keeper'? And what is with the short description of the palace? YOU HAVE A BLOODY UNDERGROUND PALACE. (Or maybe it's in the mountains, I'm not quite sure.) The point IS - you have a huge amount of material to work with here! A wonderful plot and yet you're throwing crumbs to the reader. So get busy and write!

    I mean, I saw how you described certain things. You did it so nicely at times. Good comparison to skyscrapers; good reference to sweet water; haunted granite = good. Some good stuff. I just want more of it, man.

    I won't mince words, this story disappointed me. It has its merits, but I've read several of your other stories and I have seen how well you can do and how much you have improved since I graded Darker than Black. I don't know if you were rusty when you wrote this, or if you were one sick puppy that day or if you just said 'Screw it, I'm going to throw this down on Wordpad and not even bother.' You're better than this story - and at it's core, it is a good story, but not a good read. Yes, it's a Simple 'mon - but if I am taking the time to grade this, you should take the time to write it well and proofread it.
    --
    Spelling, Grammar and Whatnot:

    Main points:

    - you overused words;
    - misspelled words;
    - misused words.

    Quote Originally Posted by Otherworldly
    In the sky alone, large Honchkrow’s of dark dull colors littered the landscape above the trees here and there. The dark hours of the night...
    You used night twice in two back-to-back sentences.

    Quote Originally Posted by Otherworldly
    Florescent stars shone, the slight shine peaking through the clouds...
    Shine and shone is the same word, just in slightly different contexts. You also used granite a couple times as well. The point is unless a particular word serves a very special meaning to your story, then you should use it sparingly. Use a thesaurus and alternate that one word with other words. \

    Quote Originally Posted by Otherworldly
    She was tall, thin, with prominent hips that jutted slightly from her body and a head that held itself up with its breathtaking face and long flowing hair.
    I added the bold. Otherwise it would be fragmented - and trust me, I do it all the time. We'll both fond of those frags, but we...must...make...complete...sentences :o Gah. That was hard for me to churn out 'cause I like frags. But often it really is smoother to add that extra word. You do not always realize it until you read someone elses writing, but while fragments serve their place, they can also be a distraction (unless it's in dialogue, in which case it's almost always okay to use frags if the speaker would naturally use frags).

    Quote Originally Posted by Otherwordly
    The dark hours of the night due to stretch on for three months because of the far proximity of this planet and its light source, much like the earth to the sun.
    Quote Originally Posted by Otherworldly
    “I have no home. I am an orphan,” the smile bug replied as it looked to the floor in a mixture of shame and sadness.
    Quote Originally Posted by Otherworldly
    "He nickname was the “Queen Weaver” was she would often knit clothing or blankets for Pokemon that required her services."
    vs.

    Quote Originally Posted by Otherworldly, bold by Dragon
    "Her nickname was the “Queen Weaver” because she would often knit clothing or blankets for Pokemon that required her services.
    There are a couple other boo-boos and typos, but I am not going to hit you any more quotes. The point is that you have typos. I am not sure if you did proofread and you're just under stress and didn't catch all this, or if you were tired and didn't see the typos, or if you just didn't proofread period. You might need a beta, or you might need to speak the words aloud to yourself as you proofread (that can be a big help for a speed reader like me who too often skims content).
    --

    Plot: I already mentioned I liked the plot. It's rather inventive and although there are questions that arise from it (such as the name of the planet, exactly what evils that exist beyond the mountains, the story of the Sewaddle, ect.) I'm not going to pick too much. You have other things to be thinking of right now and the plot as it stands is good enough for a Simple 'mon.
    --
    Length: Is about as long as you say it is. No problem here.
    ---
    Conclusion:

    Due to the typos and lack of detail, I am not going to pass this story. I know the writing skills you possess and I see all the typos, so I have to say that the decision was due more to a lack of effort than anything else. I know you can and will do better, honeybunches *cracks whip*.

    If you want this story to pass, you must do the following:

    - Take five minutes. Close your eyes and think about this beautiful world you've imagined. The great big tree roots, the queen, the palace, everything. Take a deep breath and just imagine what you can see (colors, shapes, objects, sun/moon light reflecting, ect.); what you can feel (moist, hot, slimy, ect.); what sounds you can hear (shrill, loud, whispers, ect.); what you can smell (rot, sweet flowers, sweat, ect.); and what you can taste, if anything. Sight, smell, hearing, taste and feel. THEN write down what you imagine. (aka, more details)

    AND, also you have to go through this story and fix the errors I quoted.


    Good luck :) And don't worry, the grade just looks big because I quoted you a lot.
    Faith
    ...
    Siggie by Dragoness, aka me | Married 2 Noble One

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